Toxxic

*dun-dun-dun-dun-dun BA-HA-MAN BOMB-ER dun-dun-dun-dun-dun dee doo! (whee-whoo!)*

My money's on Orden Noash being a ringer anyway, and I even think I know who. However, if you want to write the Clusterfuck sir (or madam), you write the Clusterfuck.

I'm sure I've seen in someone's signature a quote from Mayweather saying that MMA is just for people who couldn't hack boxing, or something...

“Well folks, don’t say that you don’t get your money’s worth from the SWF,” Mak Francis says at ringside, “it’s a week before Christmas and we’re serving up two title matches and a host of other festive treats - here’s the first of those two title matches, the Tag Title match between holders Revolution Zero and the challengers, the Violence Distribution Network!” “I can’t believe we’re having Wildchild and Spike Jenkins headlining the show,” King groans, “that’s just ludicrous. Still,” he adds, brightening up, “at least I get to see Tom tie Kibagami in knots.” “I think Kibagami might be too brittle to be tied in knots these days,” Mak replies, “and I think he might have severe objections to Tom trying that anyway, but we’ll see… for now it’s the Tag Titles we’re focusing on. Revolution Zero took the titles from Wild & Dangerous in Toxxic’s home country of England and have kept them ever since, but tonight they could face their stiffest test yet as the former tag team champions of the Unholy Trinity, Dace Night and Va’aiga-” “Try and pronounce his second name, I dare you.” “-are looking for their second title reign,” Mak Francis concludes, casting a sideways glare at his commentary partner. “We saw them in action against Austin Sly and The Fabulous Jakey at Ashes 2 Ashes and their win can only be described as ‘emphatic’; will things change tonight with the World Champion in Sly’s corner and the Sly One himself certainly out for revenge, or will the VDN roll on?” “Mak, it takes more than beating two of the Four Norsemen and then a fluke win over Jakey and Sly to make you tag champions,” King asserts, “tonight we’ll see normal service restored.” It is at this point that the Juno Reactor remix of ‘Guilty’ by Gravity Kills kicks up, and smoke starts to fill the entrance ramp. Red and white lights start to flash as the beat kicks in, and then two imposing figures appear through the smoke. “YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “Ladies and gentlemen, the following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the SWF Tag Team Championships!” Funyon booms as Va’aiga flicks a couple of phantom jabs in the general direction of the crowd. “Introducing first, the challengers; at a combined weight of 608lbs, they are ‘The Maori Badass’ Va’aiga and Dace-” “FUCKING!” “-Night, the VIOLENCE… DIST-RRRRRRRRRRRIBUTION… NEEEEEEEEET-WOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!!” The big Maori removes his entrance robe and the challengers enter the ring to the cheers of the crowd before each one climbs onto the second buckle. From there Dace throws the horns to the crowd while Va’aiga makes the Shaka sign. “King, you might not like them-” “I don’t.” “-but you have to admit, Dace and Va’aiga make an impressive combination,” Mak Francis says. “After the tension between them led to Va’aiga attacking Dace in 2003, and the war between the Trinity and the Unnamed, they’ve come back together with one goal - the SWF Tag Team Titles.” “Mak, what we’re seeing here is two over-the-hill wrestlers combining together in the hope that nostalgia and pure blind luck will re-ignite their careers,” King declares. “Would Dace Night and Va’aiga really be teaming up if they thought they could get by on their own?” “I want to see you tell them that to their faces,” Mak snorts. “Let me know beforehand so I can book the ambulance.” The commentators’ bickering is interrupted by the Smarktron going white, every light in the arena hitting full and a faint *skritch-skritch* sound of a needle on vinyl drifting out from the speakers. For a few long seconds nothing happens. Then: “WEL-WEL-W-W-WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION!” The deep voice booms out of the PA system as the epileptic Rage Against The Machine guitar riff rings around the arena, while on the Smarktron the word ‘REV-0’ appears and rotates. It intercuts with shots of the members while the arena lights slowly dim down. Then suddenly the pace changes as the main riff rings out, and three pyros explode from the soundstage- *BOOM!* *BOOM!* *BOOM!* “KNOW YOUR ENEMY!” -just before Zack de la Rocha’s voice roars out and the song kicks into full gear, and through the flame and smoke come the figures of the Tag Team Champions. “And their opponents,” Funyon declares, “at a combined weight of 458lbs and representing the SWF Stable Champions, they are the reigning and defending SWF Tag Team Champions; Austin Sly and SWF World Heavyweight Champion Toxxic… this is RRRRRRRRRRREVOLUTION… ZERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Sly and Toxxic saunter down the entrance ramp, Sly with his two title belts slung over his right shoulder, Toxxic with the World Title around his waist, Tag Title on the right shoulder and Stables Title on the left. Sly walks up the ring steps and then heads across the ring to leap onto a turnbuckle and adopt his crucifix pose, while Toxxic simply rolls into the ring underneath the bottom rope. The two men then hand their assorted title belts over to Brian Warner, who struggles to hold them all (much to their amusement). Sly pulls off his Black Flag T-shirt while Toxxic removes his black-and-red canvas trenchcoat and his customised England soccer shirt before the champions start a couple of stretches to warm up. “We’ve got two conflicting histories colliding in this match,” Mak Francis notes. “Toxxic has had two matches at the SWF’s previous end-of-year shows and has lost both of them - one to Landon Maddix, one to Gabriel Drake, both for the World Title - but on the other hand, Toxxic has never lost to Dace Night in any form of competition. Either way, one of those two records is going to end tonight!” “Toxxic’s better than ever, and in Austin Sly he has a truly reliable tag team partner for the first time ever,” King comments, “there’s no way the VDN are taking tag gold here.” Brian Warner signals for both teams to get their first representatives into the ring; Va’aiga steps through the ropes for the VDN and rolls his arms to get warmed up; Sly and Toxxic hold a quick discussion before the Straight-Edge Sensation gets ready to kick things off for the defending champions. Toxxic nods respectfully at the Maori Badass, who returns the gesture as they wait for Warner to ring the bell. “Va’aiga is a long-time associate of Chris Card,” Mak Francis notes, “who is Toxxic’s fellow countryman and former trainer; I’m not sure if the two have ever met in person, but they’ll know each other by reputation.” *DING-DING-DING!* “It’s power against quickness here, no doubt about it,” King says, “Revolution Zero are used to Austin Sly handling the power end of things in their tag matches but let’s be honest, he’s not going to stand up to these two gassed-up giants. On the other hand,” the Gambling Man continues, “Sly and Toxxic are far more talented, so there’s nothing to worry about.” Toxxic himself doesn’t seem to have quite the same carefree attitude as the Suicide King, but that’s probably because he’s in the ring with Va’aiga and King isn’t. The Predator slaps his chest a couple of times and utters some sort of Maori imprecation, then lunges forwards to try and secure a lock-up with his small opponent, but Toxxic dodges aside and under his opponent’s huge arms, then fires a kick into Va’aiga’s thigh as the Maori Badass lumbers past. “VAI-ING-UH!” “VAI-ING-UH!” Va’aiga turns around and glowers at Toxxic, who shrugs as if to say “what, you thought I was going to stand still?”. The big Maori turns and comes after his opponent again, this time a little more cagily; all the same, Toxxic manages to keep out of his reach by circling, then suddenly darts in and leaves his feet to fire a dropkick into the big man’s knee! Va’aiga staggers and Toxxic leaps back up to grab the Maori’s arm, trying to tug the off-balance former World Champion into an Irish whip. To his astonishment he succeeds, but as Va’aiga rebounds off the ropes quicker than the Englishman expected it becomes clear that perhaps Va’aiga allowed this… *BANG!* …and the resulting shoulderblock knocks Toxxic flat! Va’aiga raises one hand in the Shaka sign… ‘BOO-YAH!’ …but it’s never wise to take your eyes off Toxxic. *whump-CRACK!* “Kip-up enzuigiri!” Mak shouts as the World Champion explodes up off the mat. “…but Va’aiga’s still on his feet!” Indeed he is, much to Toxxic’s consternation. The big man staggers but remains upright; Toxxic frowns, coils his legs and does the same thing again… *whump-CRACK!* …but although the Maori wobbles he’s still not going down! Toxxic looks up from the mat where he’s landed a second time, audibly curses and then tries once more… *whump-CRACK!* …and this time Va’aiga drops to one knee! Toxxic gets back up to his feet with an expression of mild relief on his face, turns to run to the ropes and rebounds… …but Va’aiga explodes upwards, hoisting the World Champion high into the air and dropping backwards to bring him down with a flapjack! *BANG!* “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Va’aiga roars aloud and drags Toxxic to his feet, then easily scoops the straight-edger up and drives him down hard with a bodyslam that gets the crowd cheering again! Dace Night shouts and points and the Maori Badass turns to see Austin Sly running towards him for a blindside attack, but he raises one big boot and takes a step forward to drive what amounts to a self-powered Yakuza Kick into the Sly One’s face and send him rolling back out of the ring! “VAI-ING-UH!” “VAI-ING-UH!” Va’aiga turns around and reaches out one big hand… and Dace Night tags himself into the match. “DACE! DACE! DACE! DACE!” The High Priest of Horrorcore steps through the ropes and brings the wheezing Toxxic up to his feet, then drives a knee into his gut as he slaps Va’aiga on the shoulder. The Maori Badass runs to the ropes and rebounds to take the World Champion down with a running DDT, and as he rolls away Dace returns from his own trip to the cables to jump into the air and drop a knee directly into Toxxic’s face! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Dace comes back to his feet and throws the horns for the crowd, then picks Toxxic up off the mat and hoists him up immediately for a backdrop suplex. As soon as his fellow Englishman has hit the mat Dace rolls into a cover… ONE! TWO!! …but Toxxic kicks out straight after two, and the Tag Titles are still safe. “The VDN have certainly kicked this match off at a high tempo,” Mak comments, “can they keep it up?” “The only thing they can keep up is their pretence that they’re still relevant,” King snipes. Dace brings Toxxic back up to his feet once more, unwilling to give his old adversary time to rest. However, when he tries to Irish whip the World Champion into the ropes Toxxic twists around and pulls himself up short on their arms, kicks Dace in the gut and then uses both arms to haul the Brummie towards the ropes instead. Dace hits… …Austin Sly’s knee, which the Sly One has jabbed into his back. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Dace staggers, his momentum suddenly no longer under his control, and Toxxic seizes this chance to leap into the air and take his opponent down with a spinning heel kick! Night goes down and Toxxic rolls to his corner to tag in Austin Sly, who grabs the rope and slingshots himself in to land an elbow drop on Horrorcore’s chest. Sly doesn’t bother going for a cover yet, well aware that it’ll take more than that to even give Dace pause; instead he simply places one hand around Dace’s throat and starts choking. “Oh come on!” Mak shouts. “Come on what?” King asks as Brian Warner starts counting, “Sly has five seconds to apply that move!” “The five second rule was originally meant to ensure wrestlers didn’t get disqualified for a hold accidentally slipping into a choke,” Mak snorts, “not the sort of deliberate abuse Sly subjects it to.” “You’ve used those five seconds too many times to count,” King says dismissively, “not being in the ring for a couple of years has made you soft.” Warner reaches four-and-a-half and Sly breaks the hold, then gets back to his feet and starts driving stomps down into Dace’s chest. The Sly One then heads over to his corner and tags Toxxic back in before returning to Night; the Brummie is tough as hell and already starting to get back to his feet, but Sly cuts him off with an eye poke before bending down and doubling Dace’s leg up underneath his body. He lifts Night up, brings him down into a shinbreaker- *WHAM!* -and Toxxic comes off the top rope with a European uppercut that takes Horrorcore straight back down! He gets back up and repositions to leap into the air and come down with a standing moonsault… ONE! TWO!! …but Dace Night kicks out with some violence! Toxxic starts to bring the bigger Englishman up by his hair, then grabs a front facelock and instantly swings sideways to bring Dace down with a swinging neckbreaker. With Night momentarily incapacitated Toxxic heads back to his corner and tags Austin Sly back in, then both Revolutionaries head towards the luckless Brummie. “Toxxic and Sly working well as a team here and cutting off the ring,” Mak acknowledges as the duo haul Dace back to his feet. Sly then hoists him up and down in another shinbreaker, but this time turns it over into a single-leg crab. Toxxic runs to the ropes and rebounds to drive a basement dropkick into Night’s trapped leg! *SMACK!* “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Toxxic gets back to his feet and happily flips the v-sign at his detractors as he leaves the ring while Sly cranks back on the hold. For his part Dace, who is now in some pain but more than able to gut it out and continue fighting, starts trying to get towards the nearest set of ropes. “Look at Dace go!” Mak shouts, “this is one of the strongest competitors in the SWF right now, and Sly can’t hold him!” Well, Sly can, but not easily. The Tag Champion figures that something needs to be done so instead of pulling the other way he suddenly steps backwards, matching Dace’s direction but then cranking back and down as he makes the hold suddenly much more high-angle than before. Dace groans in pain, reaches for the ropes that are still far too far away… and then forces himself up on his arms, tucks his head in and rolls through! Sly topples backwards as he suddenly encounters no resistance and collapses to the mat, only to find Dace Night now locking his legs around Sly’s with a hiza-juji-gatame! “YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “What a reversal!” Mak yells as Austin reaches backwards and desperately grabs for the ropes that are still a few inches out of reach… *BANG!* “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “What a Hangover!” King yells back as Toxxic quickly registers his partner’s predicament, vaults to the top rope and comes off with a somersault legdrop to Dace Night. The blow dazes Night but his legs don’t fully relax their grip; however, when Sly sits up and smashes a double sledge into his knee the Brummie does let go and rolls away. Sly follows up by getting to his feet and firing stomps into Dace’s leg, which prompts Va’aiga to get into the ring; Brian Warner rather bravely blocks him off, but that just gives Sly the opportunity he needs to bury his boot into the Brummie’s balls! *CHING!* “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “YOU SUCK!” “YOU SUCK!” Toxxic rolls his eyes at his partner’s cheating ways as he returns to his corner, but despite Va’aiga’s violent rantings Brian Warner didn’t see the infringement. Sly drags the pained Brummie up to a vertical base, then hooks him in a front facelock and grabs a leg for good measure before lifting… and dropping. *BANG!* “Fisherman’s DDT!” Mak calls, “a personal favourite of mine, although never quite as good when it’s not the Franchise Tag.” Sly gets back to his feet and tags in Toxxic, who vaults over the top rope to the second buckle… …to the top rope… …MOONSAULT! “Radford Calling!” King shouts, “count, Warner!” Brian Warner dives to the mat and obeys… ONE! TWO!! …but Dace kicks out again! Toxxic instantly grabs Dace by the head and starts bringing the bigger man back up. “I think Toxxic might normally consider a wear-down hold at this point,” Mak surmises, “but he knows better than to try and mat-wrestle against Dace Night.” Sure enough Toxxic takes Dace into a front facelock and then stretches his right arm out to signal for the Unfinished Business… but as he twists and swings Dace slips out of the facelock, straightens up and wraps his arms around Toxxic’s waist, then hoists backwards with a German Suplex! *whump* …but Toxxic lands on his feet, as Toxxic is wont to do, and steams up behind Dace as the challenger gets back up- *CRACK!* -only to get pasted with a spinning elbow smash! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Toxxic hits the canvas hard; Dace staggers, a bit wobbly still, then takes a couple of steps towards the out-stretched hand of Va’aiga… *THUNK!* …and Austin Sly hits him from behind with a chopblock. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Sly instantly grabs Dace’s wrist and drags the Brummie a bit closer to the Rev-0 corner, then steps back out to the apron again. Toxxic manages to rouse enough braincells to get back to his feet and tag Sly in, who now enters the ring legally as Va’aiga hurls abuse from the other side of the squared circle. Austin instantly grabs Dace’s leg and sets to work on it, applying an anklelock! “Slylock!” Mak calls, “Austin Sly is really targeting the leg of Dace Night, perhaps setting up for the Bootheel Stretch that spelled the end for Wild & Dangerous!” Dace yells in pain as shooting agony travels up his leg, but the High Priest of Horrorcore rarely loses his wits and he knows that once again, weight and momentum can be on his side if he uses them properly. He straightens his arms underneath him, forces himself upwards and then rolls forwards, pulling Austin Sly over and not only forcing him to release his hold but also allowing him to grab the Sly One’s leg and apply an anklelock of his own, wrapping his legs around the trapped limb to grapevine it and prevent Sly from pulling the same trick! “What quick thinking from Dace!” Mak calls as Sly reaches for the ropes that are too far away, then tries and fails to tug 260lbs across the mat towards them. Night is however aware that he is vulnerable and looks up to see Toxxic falling out of the sky again with an elbow drop… *BANG!* …and rolls away just in time, allowing Sly to reach the (now-redundant) ropes but making sure Toxxic doesn’t rain on his parade twice today! “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Va’aiga is pounding the turnbuckle and screaming for Dace to make the tag, but Night wants an insurance policy first; he grabs the slightly-winded Toxxic, applies a front facelock and drops backwards with a DDT that spikes the World Champion’s head into the mat! Toxxic collapses into a limp heap and Dace staggers back to his feet, sees that Sly is struggling to rise and staggers across towards Va’aiga. In his desperation Austin Sly grabs onto Brian Warner to pull himself to his feet… *smak* …and Dace Night makes the tag! “YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” …but as the Maori Badass thunders into the ring Brian Warner was turned around by Sly’s sudden sloth impression and he didn’t see the tag! The referee gets in Va’aiga’s face and demands that the Predator leave the ring! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “I can’t believe this!” Mak yells, “that tag was legal!” “The referee didn’t see it!” King shouts, “and that means it’s not legal!” Dace didn’t help his cause by limping back towards the middle of the ring as soon as his partner entered, theoretically to lend a hand, but this just makes it look to Warner like he never got to the corner in the first place and makes the referee argue all the harder. Va’aiga is incandescent but Warner yells at him to leave and then starts a very pointed five-count, and with no option but be disqualified Va’aiga turns and fumes his way out of the ring. Dace takes a moment to work out what’s just happened and turns to ask his partner… *CRUNCH!* …which is just asking for Sly to nail him with his double-knee bulldog. The Sly One rolls Night over and makes the cover… ONE! TWO!! TH-broken up by Va’aiga! The Predator spouts what have to be Maori swearwords at Brian Warner as the referee remonstrates with him for interfering, and Warner decides not to push his luck. Sly just drags Dace away from his corner and further into neutral territory, then brings him back up to a vertical base where he applies a double underhook and smirks around at the crowd for a second. “You don’t think he’s going to try for the Defenestration…?” Mak asks, well aware that Sly often uses a double-arm DDT and Dace’s high-angle one wouldn’t be much of a change… …but Dace answers the question himself by suddenly bridging backwards, bringing Sly over into a pin! *BANG!* ONE! TWO!! TH- -but Sly kicks out! The Sly One scrambles back to his feet and instantly goes to the eyes- “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” -then levels Night with a superkick! Sly throws one more smirk, this time at Va’aiga, before leaning down and grabbing Dace’s leg in preparation for the Figure Four Leglock… …but as Sly starts to twirl, Dace reaches up and grabs him, then rolls backwards into a small package! ONE! TWO!! THR- -but Sly kicks out again! “THAT WAS THREE!” “THAT WAS THREE!” Sly gets up, but simply gets blasted back down to the mat with a double-leg takedown! Dace scrambles into a mount and starts wailing on the Sly One with forearm smashes, then looks up to see Toxxic ascending to the top buckle. “DACE! DACE! DACE! DACE! DACE!” Toxxic leaps off, but Night surges to his feet and catches the plummeting World Champion for long enough to drive him down into the canvas with a release spinebuster! *WHAM!* Dace staggers sideways, turns, falls with arm outstretched… *smak* …and this time Warner sees the tag! “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” Va’aiga steps through the ropes and explodes into action, surging forwards and flattening the resurfacing Austin Sly with a shoulderblock! The big Maori then picks up Toxxic and simply throws him bodily over the top rope before lining up on Sly as the other half of the Tag Champs struggles to his feet. Va’aiga steps, shuffles and… “BOO…” “BOO…” “BOO…” …the three left jabs find their mark on Sly’s jawbone and Va’aiga backs up, kisses his fist and swings. *CRACK!* “…YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” Sly collapses to the canvas and Va’aiga throws the Shaka sign to a massive response from the crowd. Then the Maori Badass starts to wind up, bouncing on the spot and psyching himself up as Austin Sly slowly starts to get back to his feet, before accelerating across the ring, rebounding off the ropes… “MOVE!” King shouts. …but Sly doesn’t hear him, allowing Va’aiga to hit the LOUD, PROUD, COMING ATCHA FROM THE NORTH ISLAND AT THE SPEED OF SOUND LARIATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! *CRACK!* “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “HE HIT IT!” Mak yells, “Goodnight, Austin Sly!” Va’aiga finishes his overrun of the move, heads back to Sly and drops into the pin… ONE! TWO!! THRE-broken up by Toxxic! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “Toxxic got there at the last moment!” Francis gasps, “the World Champion managed a springboard basement dropkick to the head of Va’aiga… but the Maori looks pissed now!” Sure enough, Va’aiga is not pleased at having his potentially match-winning pin broken up and the big man starts to rise up to his feet. Unfortunately for him Toxxic is considerably quicker and the Englishman grabs a front facelock before driving Va’aiga’s head into his knee (which doesn’t have much effect) and then falling backwards into a DDT (which does slightly more). “Sobering Thought!” King shouts, “that’ll slow him down!” “It’s about all it’ll do!” Mak fires back as Toxxic tries to rouse Sly. Brian Warner starts counting to try and persuade Toxxic to leave the ring, but Va’aiga takes the decision out of both their hands by returning to his feet, grabbing the Straight-Edge Sensation from behind and hauling him upwards, then delivering a back suplex that sends Toxxic rolling across the canvas clutching at his spine! Va’aiga gets back to his feet, reaches down again and starts to bring Sly up, but the man from St. Louis is apparent deadweight. Not that this is really a problem for Va’aiga, who easily has enough muscle to haul the 240lbs of Sly upright… …what is a problem is when Sly pokes him in the eyes. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Va’aiga yells in pain, even the toughest skull doing nothing to protect his delicate eyeballs from Sly’s deadly accurate fingers. The Sly One, his own head nearly splitting with the pain, manages to wobble sideways and tag in Toxxic as the straight-edger hauls himself upright on the apron. Toxxic doesn’t seem best pleased at this but steps through the ropes (not without a wince) and leaps up to fire a dropkick into Va’aiga’s chest. The blinded Maori staggers, unprepared for the blow, and Toxxic scrambles back to his feet before reaching up and grabbing a ¾ facelock, then turns and runs for a neutral corner… “Sunny In England!” King shouts in anticipation. …but the Gambling Man is premature (as so many hookers can confirm) and Va’aiga shoves the Straight-Edge Sensation off into the turnbuckles chest-first! The Maori follows in with a right hand to the head, then Irish whips Toxxic clean across the ring towards the far buckles. As Toxxic hits Va’aiga turns and darts for the ropes, knocking Sly off the apron as he rebounds, then accelerates towards the Englishman as he staggers out of the corner, one big arm coming up and around and readying for the CLINICALLY INSANE, DAMAGING YOUR BRAIN, ANTIPODEAN FREIGHT TRAIN LARIATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… … …that misses! Toxxic ducks it and, with no resistance to his onrushing mass, Va’aiga hurtles on into the far ropes only for the World Champion to grab the rebounding and off-balance Maori and bring him over into a schoolboy! ONE! “NO!” Mak shouts. TWO!! “YES!!” King hollers. THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “HE KICKED!” Mak roars, “Va’aiga kicked out!” Indeed he did, although at the very last moment. Toxxic takes a moment for an emotional appeal to Brian Warner but a moment is all he has, as Va’aiga is already starting to get back to his feet; Toxxic appears to weigh up the logic of hitting the Maori in the head, decides that won’t work, and simply turns and runs for the turnbuckles behind him. He vaults to the top rope, then moonsaults back off with arms outstretched, looking for the Sunny In England… …but Va’aiga sees him coming and takes a step back, so instead of grabbing his opponent by the head Toxxic lands on the Predator’s shoulder! Both men struggle for a moment, each trying to win the battle of weight and momentum, but then Va’aiga gets a good hold, turns around and drives Toxxic down with a powerslam! *BANG!* “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Va’aiga surges to his feet, takes two steps towards his corner and tags in Dace Night, then picks Toxxic up again. The winded straight-edger is powerless to prevent himself from behind hoisted up into a back suplex position as Dace climbs to the second buckle… and then nature takes its course. Dace Night’s leg hurts. No, it kills. But he’s got enough left in it to power the one move that will finally, finally give him the win over Toxxic. *KER-RACK!* “DECAPITATOR!” Mak yells, “IT’S OVER!” Dace rolls Toxxic over onto his back and covers… ONE! TWO!! THREE!!! *DING-DING-DING!* It is, indeed, over. “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,” Funyon booms over the din, “here are your winners, and NEW~ SWF WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! The team of Dace Night and Va’aiga, the VIOLENCE DISTRIBUTION NEEEEEEEEEEEEEET-WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!!” “VAI-ING-UH!” “DACE FUCKING NIGHT!” “VAI-ING-UH!” “DACE FUCKING NIGHT!” “VAI-ING-UH!” “DACE FUCKING NIGHT!” The warring chants roll around the arena as Austin Sly picks himself up on the outside from where he was knocked by Va’aiga and stares into the ring in disbelief. Meanwhile Brian Warner collects the two title belts from the timekeeper and hands them over to the Violence Distribution Network, who raise them in the air triumphantly to even louder cheers. “They’ve done it!” Mak Francis yells above the din, “Dace Night and Va’aiga are Tag Champions again, four years after they first did it! I don’t think any team has waited that long between title reigns, but it was worth the wait! They did everything they set out to do; they weathered the storm of good tag wrestling from Revolution Zero, then they came back and not only did they win, but finally Dace Night has got a win over Toxxic! It’s Christmas blues for the Straight-Edge Sensation once again, but it’s Happy Holidays for VDN!” “This makes me sick,” King groans, “can we get these two losers out of the ring? Please? Now?” Va’aiga and Dace Night actually exchange a very brief hug, then each man climbs to the second buckle and raises his title belt in one hand and the other in either the Shaka sign or the horns. “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” And we FADE OUT

DUDE! HE F5'D THE 7'0", 500LBS BIG SHOW~!!!!!!!!!! For a moment I read that as seventy foot... So I'll take your answer to be 'no, except in kayfabe' then.

Well, I've had nothing from anyone, and no requests for extensions.

I ask this as someone with very little experience of watching MMA, so please don't kill me. Is Brock REALLY that strong? I know he was put over as such in the WWE, but in terms of real life is he proportionally much stronger than an equivalently -sized, roughly equivalently-built guy? Or is it just that he's big in comparison to most other fighters?

*blinks* Dupree?

OK, special Christmas Present to all concerned. If you do not have a match in yet, you have until MIDNIGHT EST to get something, anything in. On current showing, something might well win. Don't make me break out you-know-who.

Yeah, Landon's posting the show and was the marker for a lot of matches, including WC's. However, at time of writing I had nothing from MANSON vs Johnny, Tom vs Kibagami or indeed Fury vs Insane Luchador. I do now have a MANSON match. I'm currently trying to work out a decent time to give the rest of you to get something in on the 'better late than never' approach, but bearing in mind that I'll be asleep before you'll have had time to do much and won't get to go online until late tomorrow night, i doubt.

As far as I remember, me and Landon. So it's looking good for this year! (yeah, but this year you have about four times as long to write a match of the same length. So come on, SOMEONE should be able to get in SOMETHING)

Yeah, put that up so everyone can get a good run at it. You've got over a month, so that works out at an average of about 500 words a day. Obviously things won't work that way exactly, but see what you can do people.

Location: Somewhere with an ‘SWF’ banner in shot behind Time: Sometime before Toxxic’s bedtime “Evening all,” the World, Tag and Stables Champion says as the picture comes online. “I won’t be taking up too much of your valuable time. I just have something I need to address, and my comments tonight are specifically directed at the Violence Distribution Network of Dace and Va’aiga, a tag team so imaginative they named their team after their own initials.” “Va’aiga,” Toxxic begins, “first of all, let me say that Austin Sly would like me to pass on his apologies for his absence. No, wait,” the straight-edger corrects himself, “that’s inaccurate. Austin Sly would like me to pass on that he doesn’t have time for your shit.” He inspects his nails briefly. “See Va’aiga, in that impressively structured and emotional tirade you directed loosely at a camera, for some reason you completely forgot to mention my tag team partner. You remember Austin Sly?” the Englishman asks, raising an eyebrow. “You know, the guy who pinned one half of Wild & Dangerous to win us these titles? The guy who made the other half of Wild & Dangerous tap out to ensure we retained these tag titles? Hey, if you want to completely ignore half of the team you’ll be facing, you go right ahead, that’ll make our job that much easier.” The Straight-Edge Sensation grins lopsidedly into the camera and adjusts the plethora of title belts that adorn his right shoulder. “However, if you’re really determined to simply focus on me, well, let me give you two reasons why you’re not going to win. Number one,” he states, holding up a black-nailed finger, “as Tom Flesher so accurately pointed out once, I am a ‘big man specialist’. I have never, never been pinned or made to submit by anyone weighing over about 280lbs. Aecas, Carnage, Bruce Blank, Nemesis, Grappler… the list goes on and on, it just doesn’t happen! I’ve made a career out of beating super-heavyweights Va’aiga, and your puku certainly puts you in that category now. Number two,” the World Champion adds, holding up a second black-nailed finger to complete a hand gesture that is rather unfriendly, “your tag team partner beside you, Mister Silent-and-Violent Dace Night. Dace Night, who has competed against me in three singles matches, two six-man tags and one regular tag and managed the outstanding record of five losses and a time-limit draw. Quite frankly, I’m shaking in my boots.” The straight-edger scratches his nose briefly, then continues. “See Va’aiga, I’m not denying that you’re good. You’re a former World Champion, there’s no argument about that quality. But I’m put in mind of a quote by Bing Crosby about Frank Sinatra - stick with me here - when he said that ‘a voice like that only comes along once in a lifetime. Unfortunately, his came along in mine’. See, Bing was good, but Frank was better. Va’aiga,” the Englishman states with a faint smile, “I’m younger than you, I’m faster than you, I’m smarter than you… and I’m better than you. And I’m not going away. You’ve had your career, and it’s been a good one, but you need to recognise that all your posturing and shouting doesn’t change the fact that you will not shine now I’m on the scene.” Toxxic turns, apparently to go, but then seems to have a second thought and turns back to the camera which he fixes once more with a steel-grey stare. “Guys, I hope you bring everything you have to that ring tomorrow night. I hope you come and give us the match of our lives, but you need to accept that it won’t be enough. You can bring your pain, destruction and hospital bills but at the end of the night the Violence Distribution Network will be… how can I put it…?” The familiar lopsided grin spreads up the right hand side of Toxxic’s face. “…Returned To Sender.” The grin disappears as abruptly as it arrived, and Toxxic stares down the camera lens for a second. “Prepare to be proved wrong.” END

And suddenly everyone's promoing! A good promo, IL. The part I particularly like was about wasted potential being romanticised and not knowing someone's true limits can make their abilities seem greater than maybe they are... not only a very true statement, in wrestling and in many other things, but also a good angle to take on the Insane Luchador buckling down and making a steady, determined run at wrestling in the SWF rather than... I dunno, doing whatever he does in his spare time! Now show!

Proof yet again that somewhere in a high rise in Sneinton lurks a shadowy figure with real promo talent... Excellent work my friend. Now to beat your arse

Done. You'll be replaced by a mentally challenged quadriplegic orphan nun. Or, you know, not.

Yeah, but I also remember him Stunnering Stacy for not drinking beer (granted not a chair-shot, but to a non-wrestler it should have been the same) and getting cheered for it.

Right, gotcha. Unless you're Stone Cold, presumably. God I hate Stone Cold. Really though, you should get heel heat for hitting anyone with a chair, particularly if they're smaller and weaker than you. It's just most female wrestlers are smaller than most male wrestlers. I mean, otherwise it's sexist. You wouldn't get heel heat for hitting Amazing Kong with a chair. You'd just die.

Some things still don't make sense, but at least that's helpful... cheers. So, new question. In my only primetime show, the segment ratings for matches are below both the match quality AND its heat, rather than an average of the two as usually is the case. This has been going for a couple of weeks, but only on my primetime show. At first I thought it was just one of those occasional shows where things don't 'click', but it seems too regular for that. Same announcers as ever, no massive drop in production values or anything. Any ideas, anyone?

That was meant to be Ventura? I though that was their first go at parodying Macho Man.

The hell? And why is Senshi still there, didn't he leave?

I don't get 'cheap heel heat' to be honest, I get 'uncomplicated face who might cheat a little against opponents who deserve it'. We'll have to see where she goes with it.

Card updated to include the Triple Threat stip at the end (cheers Spike) and Aaron Starr's stats, since Cross is a lazy bastard.

Since Cross STILL hasn't got the stats for Aaron Starr up yet, here they are as emailed to me. No, I don't know what his hometown is, that wasn't in the stats. Make one up, or ignore it, as you wish. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Smarks Board Name: super_tigris Wrestlers Name: Height: 5'11'' Weight: 200 lbs. Hometown: Age: 20 Face/Heel: Face Stable: N/A Ring Escort: N/A Weapon(s): Prefers to keep matches clean. Given the right circumstances, he'll use whatever he can get his hands on. Quote: N/A Looks: The closest resemblance is to Peter Parker. He looks like the young superhero archetype. He's got short, black hair, fair skin, and a very young look about him. Like a blue chipper. His attire consists of long, white tights with red out-lined white stars. He has a pair of high boots with white out-lined red kick pads. No tattoos. Slim, his muscles are not very defined but he's in very good shape. To the ring he'll wear red and white striped zip up hoodie. Ring Entrance: He enters very confidently at an average pace without paying much attention to the fans. The first part of his entrance music, a forty-five second opening called "White Lightning" by the RZA plays in its entirety before cutting to "Euphoria" by Spiritual Beggars. He typically follows this pace on his way to the ring. When entering the ring he steps up to the ropes with his hood up and points into the audience completely motionless. Stats: ¯¯¯¯¯ Strength: 2 – not very strong, most of his game lies in his speed. Speed: 8 – he's got all kinds of pace, ridiculously fast. Vitality: 3 – not the most durable of athletes, but can take a decent beating. Charisma: 7 – the kind of wrestler the fans can get behind even as a heel. Style: Fast paced with a lot of counters – not very offensive oriented, likes to strike with speed off the ropes, through the air, with his legs, and on the counter. Will not look to attempt to throw all of his stamina/strength into one move, will probably look to finish a match with a succession of signature moves or a pairing of his finishers. Typically speaking, his entire game plan is built up to a single moment in which a spur of strikes or one devastating finisher is delivered (the latter typically only to Cruiserweights.) Signature Moves -An impressive Moonsault, with a very high jump. -Starr Scream: Drop kick to the knee, then using the ropes to rebound behind his downed opponent and either stomp the back of their head or deliver another drop kick to the back of their head (depending on if they're kneeling or laying after the drop kick to the knee.) -Super Springboard Huricanrana -Springboard Flying Cross Body (runs up the turnbuckle, springs off the third rope, turns in mid air and delivers the Cross Body.) -Top Rope Cannonball Senton Splash -The Roaring Elbow (often used in succession on larger opponents.) -Tornado DDT -Tornado head scissors take down. Common moves: -Arm Drags -Dropkicks -High Kicks -Diving Elbows -Diving Clotheslines -Chain Wrestling -Enziguri -Drop Toe Hold -Huricanrana -Scoop Slam -Running Elbow Drop -Running Senton Splash -Running Leg Drop Rare moves: None as of now. Finishers: -Seeing Starrs: set up by the Starr Scream, instead of going for the second dropkick/stomp, Starr drives a pseudo-Yakuza kick to the back of his opponent's head. His combined speed and fortunate striking abilities make this a devastating blow for Cruiserweights and a near assured pin-fall against bigger opponents (feel free, however, to set your own limits with this one. It can be used as a finish or a transition.) -Starr Struck: this is about the move that's capable of assuring a win. It's the most versatile move in Starr's arsenal of fast paced, impromptu attacks. A flying, or rather, springboard Diamond Cutter. Can be done from just about anywhere in just about any given situation making it unpredictable and a threat. Notes: He's very ethical, but at the same time has a mean streak in him. He's not often prone to letting it out but when push comes to shove he'll get physical and turn up the tempo of a match. He's not afraid to get bloody, either. After all, red is his favorite color.

Well, I think it is. You've had other good ones, but this seems to have the most natural flow and the best consistent portrayal of Spike as a character.