Hoff

Oh, SNAP, Papa. That's my favorite logo yet. Nicely, nicely done.

Try to burn down Hardcore Discussion. Ryan Smith...pfft.

Side note: Patty lets you put it anywhere.

Rob, NO! That's the line.

That's more true than you'd like to believe.

If by feedback you mean wee-- OH! You were being clever, like that one thread.

OMG FEEDBACK IS TEH GATEWAY DRUG~!

Apologies are irrelevant. You will be assimilated.

Actually this one time.....never mind.

You seem to be a decent human being. That's enough for me.

There were, in the end, I believe EIGHT matches on the show. Wow. It's a good thing efeds don't have timeslots or we'd be in trouble. Good show this week, everyone's writing was strong. - So both CCB and NYU sent me opening segments, featuring Josie...so I had to hybrid them into one. Hope it came off well...I think it did. Okay, so tell me, what the hell is a "sarong?" I'm lost. I loved the opening performance, though, it really helped the show feel "big." So yay! - So why would JR wear a bikini? And DON'T SAY BECAUSE OF THE THEME. I'll kill you if you do. Great story told here, with the teamwork (and heel tactics) of BT being too much for the powerful, and resillient, Hitmen. This again showed why Black T are the BEST. - I genuinely don't know what to think of Warren Peace. This match was hot for a bit, but the end seemed abrupt, a little disjointed. It put the DoC over very nicely, though. - Zack. Girls have two X chromosomes. Guys have one of each, an X and a Y. This wouldn't bother me nearly as much if I hadn't referenced it in a match a while back. You've disappointed me. I think I may quit. That said, good promo, with Josie outsmarting the Original Elite. - The 70s Dude is a DICK! Nice, with the borderline racism there. I mean, hey, some people are racist in real life. Hell, maybe Frig is. But it was a good heel move, and I liked it. - Honestly, I had no idea what to make of the Mad Cappa videocam bit. Maybe I missed something with Rusco that happened before I got here...maybe I'm just stupid. But I was confused. - For some reason, I really thought the Saints were going over here. Logan Mann has a good look, a good name, and a good ability to wrestle, and he could BE something as a singles guy...soon, too. That's my prognosis, anyway. Is this a subtle heel turn I see? Hmm. Anyway, hot little match, a lot of back-and-forth, and a WILD ending. But...I mean, who's the faces and heels here? And if the answer is "no one" that's great, I love shades of grey, but it's hard to get behind either team a little bit. I'm a Saints mark, so I'm cheering for them, but not for any reason per se. - Axel is INTENSE with his love! I smiled at this promo. - The Climax ad was GREAT. The match was cute, and Adam wrote Jumbo very well. Nicely done. - Patty, once again: sufficiently disturbing. If Alix was real she's the kind of girl I'd hang out with. In fact, thinking of that reminds me of my friend Dena. Also, sufficiently disturbing. I loved this. - Fun women's match...a little Russo, but fun. - Panther and PR are PISSED!! I...dunno what else to say. Except poor Thomas Rodriguez. - Good segment between Axel and Cappa in the back, playing on Crystal not completely on the same page as Axel. - GOD I miss Janetty. He makes vanilla look like chocolate. Hard to believe this guy is a coked-out partyer. This was actually a very good, fun match. I am impressed with Mr. Adam out there. - VERY entertaining NNMX/Holly promo. Better than Springer. - I like how Cappa covers for his not wanting commentators. Very clever. Cappa's been on fire as of late, and I hope he gets his due someday before too long. He deserves at the very least a TRUE main event program. - Good Dude/Josie bit, referencing past legends. Glad to see Brock Ausstin not forgotten, as well. - Adam done good with his storyline, that's all I'm gonna say. - I like the dynamic between Axel and Josie a lot. Could lead to interesting storylines. - There is no way Blood on the Dance Floor is physically possible. No frickin' way. Anyway, a sufficiently vicious match here; Patty, despite his own assumptions, has not lost his touch. Very hot finish as well, and the Candie commentary was a nice touch. - I'm too tired to get into the insane main event, but NYU knows how I feel. It was great. So yeah, all in all a very good show with great writing from everyone. w00t.

Remember, you can do BACKSTAGE and INTERNET EXCLUSIVES as well, although I personally wouldn't make a habit of it.

Bitchin', I'm there. Here it's almost exclusively highschool kids, although it's GREAT on weekdays...there's a bar as well, so it's mostly 20-30 year olds.

Not I, said the fly.

When I read it this morning I was dying.

We have that, it's called Cosmic Bowling around here. It's a weekend thing, Friday and Saturday nights...maybe Sundays. Anyway, it's okay once in a while, but my 23-year-old old man soul can't take all the teens. It's not that they're loud, it's that they won't shut up...if you feel me. I have edited in the P.R. segments, so look for those. And this is something I want to say to the whole group: if you've got a small seg to be edited in later, fine. But if you have an entire match AND another promo, please at least let me know to make room, because it's a bitch to go into a show that you took the time to work out as far as formatting and plug that much stuff in. Gracias.

From moi: Hoff will not be in the building. He has returned early to his Minneapolis residence. There'll be a special taped segment from the lovely city, from Hoff's home. Remember when Bret and Shawn went back to Calgary and San Antonio, respectively, before WM XII? Like those segments. Kinda. You'll see. Also, as announced by the lovely Josie Baker, The Happy Couple vs. Chris Stevens and The Mad Cappa. Stevens' shenanigans will be addressed by the GM herself.

Patty's turn with the kids, his choice of locale. Send stuff to him unless he says otherwise. Last show before Zero Hour, so let's make it good! Edit: The show is in Long Island, NY. Super Edit: The main event has been called, so don't even ask.

Dr. Pepper gives your thirst the Future Shock. Very good show this week, the matches were all funtimes to read and it had a lot of energy. Details to come.

I'm leaving for crazy Thursday night bowling in a bit, but I'll edit it in later; PM it to me, or just ask another mod.

© 2005 OAOAST Enterprises/HeldDOWN~! Entertainment, Inc. CREDITS: Ken NYU Adam Adam myself Tony Patty Eski Zack Cappa TARDY TO CLASS: MST3K Phenom

COLE And now we’ve come to our Heavyweight Title matchup here tonight. CABOOSE This….this is absurd, Cole. I can not be the only one here to realize that. COACH Absurdly amazing! CABOOSE Er….no. COLE Well, no matter if you feel it’s absurd or not, General Manager Josie still decided to make the matchup anyway. And with the signing-up process now complete, it looks like Drek Stone is going to have three opponents here. Three opponents running for the gold! COACH Josie explained the rules before, but just in case you were watching Pimp My Ride…. COLE I LUUUUUUUUV that show, s0n! COACH Let’s go over the rules once more. Drek Stone, Leon Rodez, The Mad Cappa, and Alix will all be lining up across the steet from the arena. They are going to be making their way through the streets. Through the fitness center. Through these entrance curtains onto the beach. And finally to the ring. Waiting inside the ring is the OAOAST Heavyweight Title. Whoever grabs that championship first claims it as their own. This is going to be huge! CABOOSE The injustices just keep on piling up for Drek Stone. I don’t recall ANY other superstar having to defend their title under such idiotic circumstances. I just cannot understand it. COACH Entertainment usually IS a difficult concept for you to understand anyway….. COLE BUUUUUUUUUURN~! CABOOSE Right. COLE Anyway, we’ve got a camera waiting outside the arena to broadcast television history. The FIRST-EVER OAOAST “Run For The Gold” competition! Let’s get to it! The camera cuts away to the outside of the arena, where Alix, Leon Rodez, and The Mad Cappa are all standing in position. While Alix has dressed for the occasion in a floruescent orange bikini and a baby-blue sarong, and Leon Rodez has taken the time to pick out banana-yellow swim shorts, The Mad Cappa has simply decided to wrestle in his normal ring attire. However, missing from this casual beach party is one individual. One important individual. One person that is absolutely essential for this match to even start. YO~! YO~! YO~! WOKE UP DIS MORNIN…. GOT YOSELF A GUN…. POPPED A CAP IN DAT MOTHA’S ASS…. TOOK HIS WALLET AND RUN!! OAOAST Heavyweight Champion Drek Stone walks up to his three opponents, accompanied by two street rappers behind him. Drek, with a dreadfully frustrated look on his face, tries to shoo away the two rappers, but they only continue to sing behind them. SHE SAID YOU ONE IN A MILLION… DREK Guys… IT BE TIME FOR YOU TO SHINE… DREK Please stop. BUT YOU GOTTA PASS THE HO‘S.… DREK No more. THE BLUNTS AND THE MOONSHI-I-INE! DREK THAT’S IT! THAT’S IT! GET OUT OF HERE! The rap quickly stops as the two men drop their microphones and stare down this unhip Italian stereotype. RAPPER #1 Yo, man. Josie paid us to rap for you tonight. You want it over? Fine. RAPPER #2 We best be getting paid, still. The two rappers finally leave as Drek shakes his head unbelievably and looks at his three opponents. CABOOSE I can’t believe Josie would force Drek Stone to go through something so degrading. COACH I was feeling that, dawg. Drek’s song needed a change anyway. With the pre-match shenanigans out of the way, the four combatants finally line up to get this thing started. And away we go. *BANG~!* With the sound of the starting gun going off, two Cocoa Beach inhabitants immediately drop down to the ground. Yet, they find themselves only more confused as they walk Drek Stone, Leon Rodez, The Mad Cappa, and Alix start sprinting for the arena. Cappa, looking to get an advantage as quickly as possible, stops short and sticks his leg out, causing Alix to trip over him and fall to the ground. CABOOSE HA! With a laugh, Cappa starts running ahead, making asure to stare back at Alix. However, this time, Rodez sticks HIS leg out, tripping Cappa in exactly the same way he did to Alix before. Rodez tries to sprint forward, but sure enough, he winds up getting tripped by Drek Stone. With all three of his competitors down, Drek has already wound up with the early advantage. CABOOSE There we go! Even in the mean, rumbling streets of Cocoa Beach, Drek Stone is always thinking! As Drek starts sprinting forward, he suddenly realizes that running is for suckers. Seeing someone ride nearby him on a mountain bike, Drek stops the person quickly for a brief conversation. DREK Yo, man. Let me borrow your bike. BIKE RIDER No! Get your own! DREK …….WHAT?! Get the hell off that bike! Despite the bicyclist’s defiant stand, Drek simply places a hand on the biker’s face and shoves him off the bike. With the rider tumbling off the bicycle, it’s easy pickings for Drek Stone to get on and ride away. COLE Oh, that’s terrible! A few seconds in, and Drek Stone has already broken a law! CABOOSE Oh, Cole, please. He shouldn’t have even had to ask to use the damned bike. COACH If Drek is able to stay on that thing, this one could be over before it started. However, that’s definitely easier said than done. The biker, clearly disgraced over being shoved off his bike so easily, picks up a rock and HURLS it at the Heavyweight Champion. The rock hits Drek Stone square at the back of the head, sending him careening off the bike and onto the cement street. CABOOSE WHAT?! HOW DARE HE! COACH Such vivid imagery! As Drek rolls around on the ground, stunned that someone would have the audacity to do such a thing, Alix runs forward and tries lifting up the bike for her own use. But, once again, the bike rider tries to stop this law violation. BIKE RIDER Won’t you all just stop trying to steal my bike?! With a sigh and a shrug of her shoulders, Alix steps back and takes off her bikini top for a moment. BIKE RIDER OMGZ WAT ARE THOZE BUMPSS ON UR CHEST?!?! ALIX Breasts. BIKE RIDER WOWZ!!!11 U CAN TAKE THE BIKE NOW, LADY~! As the bike rider drops down on the ground to take care of his business, Alix picks the bike up and immediately starts riding away with it. The fans standing around the streets rise up in a solid cheer as Alix rides off with the early advantage. COACH Here we go! We could be minutes away from seeing Alix win the Heavyweight Championship! COLE …..what the hell WERE those bumps on her chest? I’m really afraid Alix might have two serious tumors, guys. CABOOSE Idiot. As Alix speeds away to the arena, she suddenly gets knocked over by a car plowing right into her. COLE This is total madness! COACH Why don’t they just walk to the fitness center?! It’s not even that far away! The force of the car sends Alix right off the bike and rolling along the street. When she gets back up, she merely tosses the bicycle off to the side and goes to confront the person who just ran her down. She yanks open the car door and screams as her assailant is shown to be…. COLE GALLAGHER?! CABOOSE Oh boy, all the big stars are coming out tonight…. As Alix stands before this washed-up comedian in absolute shock, Cappa moves over to the backseat of Gallagher’s car and hurls open the door. While Alix attempts to get out her autograph book quickly, Cappa muscles a watermelon out of the automobile. He then runs forward and smashes the massive fruit over the head of the starstruck Tag Champion. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” COACH WATERMELON?! WHY, I NEVER!! COLE Who would have thought there would be a watermelon in Gallagher’s car?! ANYTHING can happen in the OAOAST! As Alix rolls around, covered in a sticky mess of melon and black seeds, Cappa tries making a run for the fitness center. But after his first few steps, Leon Rodez lunges out of nowhere and gives The Mad Cappa a hard shove. The force of the push sends Cappa uncontrollably falling into a collection of garbage cans strewn along the side of the curb. *CRASH~!* The sound of crunching aluminum is the only thing that can be heard as Cappa knocks down the entire collection of garbage bins. Almost as if he was picking up the nearly impossible 7-10 split. Not wanting to ease up on his hated rival, Rodez quickly grabs a garbage can lid and moves over to his opponent. As Cappa struggles to get up, Rodez lifts up the lid and… *CRASH~!* …BANGS it off the head of the Mad Cappa! Cappa starts staggering around a little as Rodez lifts up the lid again and…. *CRASH~!* ….DRILLS it off the side of the head of The Mad Cappa once again! As Cappa goes falling back into the garbage cans, Rodez drops the lid and tries walking towards the fitness center. Yet, before he can get there, the X-Champion finds himself surrounded by mob of fans that weren’t there only a second ago. RODEZ Guys, guys. I gotta finish this match. No autographs now. Later. One older woman, with her wistful grey hair up in a bun, steps out from the crowd and confronts Rodez face-to-face. WOMAN AUTOGRAPH?! Oh no, Leon Rodez. We’re here to confront you about that awful video just discovered! MOB BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Rodez looks around the mob with wide-eyes as a middle-aged, balding, 30-something-year-old man steps out of the crowd and hurls a banana at the disgraced superstar. MAN Why not use that in front of all of us right now?! SICKO! MOB YEAHHHHHH! SICKO! SICKO! SICKO! This time, another male figure -- this one dressed in a priest’s robe -- steps out of the crowd and solemnly asks for the mob to quiet down. As the crowd starts to lower their voices, the priest grabs a firm hold of Rodez’s hand and looks into his eyes. Rodez smiles a little, comforted in the idea that there could be someone there who finally understands him. PRIEST Son, Austin 3:16 might whoop your ass……but John 3:16 will save your ass! As it says in verse 7, line 16.…..And the Lord said to John…..THOU SHALT NOT VIOLATE THYSELF WITH A BANANA!!! MOB YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! With even the priest himself mocking Leon Rodez, the mob once again starts to bark insults at the X-Champion. PRIEST MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS…….SIN AND IMMORALITY WILL DO A…. MOB J-O-B… PRIEST TO….. MOB G-O-D!!! PRIEST YESSSSSS!!!! MOB J-O-B to G-O-D!! J-O-B to G-O-D!! As this gathering of right-wing zealots continue to scream at Leon Rodez, the camera catches a glimpse of Drek Stone confronting a young three-year-old happily manuevering a tricycle along the sidewalk. The Heavyweight Champion, without a moment’s hesitation, pushes the child off the trike and grabs it for himself. Although the box says the tricycle may be for ages 7 and under, Drek Stone absolutely refuses to allow himself to be contained by the conformities of society. CABOOSE YES, DREK! FIGHT THE POWER! COACH This match just keeps getting worse and worse. Drek tries pedaling along with the tricycle but, shockingly enough, finds that he’s not moving too quickly. That point is only reinforced as he walks an elderly couple pass by him with accompanying canes and walkers. He winds up feeling further shamed as a Rascal scooter zips by him, moving a swift 10-miles-per-hour. Getting frustrated with his lack of progress, Drek picks the tricycle up and hurls it at the Bible-Thumpers group. The crowd parts like the Red Sea as the trike sails past them and breaks through the back window of Gallagher’s car. *CRASH~!* COACH Hmm. COLE Well, that’s going to cost Drek Stone a pretty penny. CABOOSE I guess. Even I have to admit it’s not cool to vandalize someone’s house like that. With that out of the way, Drek finally takes this opportunity to sprint towards the fitness center. He manages to push himself through the double doors and step into the building! COACH Imagine! What a novel concept! Actually running to the fitness center! COLE Well, to be honest, who’s smart enough to think of that? Drek tries jogging past the front desk, but it turns out Alix was actually waiting for him behind the double doors. As Drek enters the room, she runs at him with a clothesline -- BRINGING THE TWO OF THEM OVER THE FRONT DESK AND ONTO THE FLOOR! “YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Everyone working out in the fitness center immediately stop and break out in a rabid cheer for their female hero. Alix gets up first off the floor first and starts laying in a series of stomps to the Heavyweight Champion. CABOOSE I don’t understand this. Why don’t these guys just forget about beating up the opponent and just sprint for the title? COACH Well, we wouldn’t really have much of a match then, would we? Drek tries crawling on the floor to get away from the assault, but Alix isn’t letting up. She yanks Drek Stone up off the ground by his hair and begins pulling him into the weight room. One particular obese men steps off a weight bench and tries waddling away as quickly as possible. Everyone in the room scatters as Alix picks Drek up -- and BODYSLAMS him onto that newly evacuated weight bench! Drek, nursing his back, rolls over onto his chest. As soon as he does so, Alix grabs him by his hair and picks his head up slightly off the bench. CABOOSE Oh no…..oh no! She wouldn’t! COACH She might! CABOOSE She couldn’t! COACH SHE IS! ALIX WIPES DREK’S FACE INTO THE FAT GUY’S ASS SWEAT! CABOOSE Oh god! That is DISGUSTING! Drek immediately rolls off the bench to the ground, and starts clawing at his face to get the revolting scent away from his nostrils. The fans quite clearly love Alix pulling off such a disgusting act, as they break out in another chant for her. “ALIX!” “ALIX!” “ALIX!” As Alix looks down at her fallen opponent, she suddenly finds herself being brought down by a Leon Rodez bulldog! The people in the weight room cheer once more as Alix hits the ground face-first and rolls over onto her back. Rodez, without wasting a moment’s time, moves over to the military press machine and scales up to a standable level. With the inhabitants of Cocoa Beach rooting him on, Rodez points to them for a moment…. ….AND JUMPS OFF THE MILITARY PRESS MACHINE, HITTING ALIX WITH BECAUSE THE LADY LOVES!! COLE What a move! Rodez might have just taken Alix out of this prestigious matchup! CABOOSE Prestigious isn’t the word for it. As Rodez starts getting off the ground on his knees, an overweight soccer mom runs forward and hits him in the head with a Bible. The force of the shot sends Rodez staggering off-balance. LADY CAST ASIDE NEEDLESS SEX, MR RODEZ! With fire in her eyes, the woman starts charging at the X-Champion with the Bible in her hands. LADY THE LORD NEEDS TO TEACH YOU ABOUT PEACE!! As she charges at Leon Rodez like a distraught buffalo, he easily steps aside, allowing her to go crashing into a wall. As Rodez turns around, he suddenly finds a 10-pound bench press weight whisking near his head. Rodez DUCKS at the last moment, quick enough by merely a second to watch the weight make a noticeable dent in the fitness center’s wall. COLE Whoa! Rodez pops right back up to his feet, to see who was responsible for such a despicable thing. There, he sees The Mad Cappa standing near the entranceway with a wide selection of weights at his disposal. This time, Cappa quickly picks up a 5-pound weight and hurls it at the inspiring OAOAST Porn Star. Rodez, with a deep breath, drops to his knee and somersaults forward out of the way. As he pops back up to his feet, he suddenly gets a kick to the stomach from Drek Stone. Drek then grabs him in a front-facelock position….JUMPS UP….. ….AND SPIKES HIM INTO THE CALF PRESS MACHINE WITH A STONECUTTER!! CABOOSE Stonecutter! YES! It doesn’t matter WHERE he does it! Fatal, each time! Immediately after Drek hits the move, he gets up to his feet and finds himself face-to-face with The Mad Cappa! COLE Here we go! Drek Stone and The Mad Cappa, face-to-face! COACH But Mikey, the circumstances are a little different than they were a few months ago. Now, BOTH guys are heels! CABOOSE Heels? FLAIR THE NAITCHA BOY SAYS STOP USING INSIDER TERMS!! WOOOOOOO!!! *CHOP!* Drek Stone and The Mad Cappa start shoving each other as the surrounding sweaty crowd continues to cheer them on. Finally, Drek comes in with the first punch -- a hard shot to the right temple of The Mad Cappa! Cappa reels back for a moment but then comes shooting back with his own shot! The Mad Cappa and Drek Stone then start exchanging punches in the middle of the weight room as the fans continue to only get more rabid! *BAM!* *BAM!* *BAM!* *BAM!* Drek and Cappa continue to beat upon each other unmercifully until they both wind up breaking through the double doors on the side. The camera follows them as the two arch rivals find themselves in the aerobic room, surrounded by treadmills, stair climbers, and power bicycles. After a continued fistfight, Drek finally manages to get the advantage. He then forcefully grabs Cappa by his right-arm and gives him a hard irish-whip. The Mad Cappa goes sailing into the wooden horse (you know, the things gymnasts jump over)! The crowd groans as Cappa hits the horse chest first and flips over it, landing on the TOP OF HIS HEAD! COACH OHHHH!!! COLE Ouch! Well, I guess that answered the question if things have patched up between these two. CABOOSE Who would ask such a dumb question anyway?! Drek moves over and begins stomping The Mad Cappa -- but stops when he hears some particularly disturbing footage. COACH THE MAD CAPPA DID IT!! HE DID IT!! CABOOSE I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!! THIS IS DISGUSTING!! BUFFER Your winner…. CABOOSE Ugh. Don’t say it…. BUFFER …..AND NEEEEEEEEEW OAOAST ITALIAN CHAMPION……….. CABOOSE I can’t listen to this….. BUFFER THEEEEEEEEEEEE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAD CAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPA!!!! With rage in his eyes, Drek shoots his head up and spots a television monitor standing before him, hanging from the ceiling. He looks to his left and finds another television. Looking to his right, he finds ANOTHER television. And all of these televisions are playing the exact same thing: COACH You remember this well, don’t you Boose? CABOOSE Ugh, get this off the screen! We don’t need to see this anymore! COLE If I remember correctly, this was from License to Pin, when The Mad Cappa actually made Drek Stone tap out in the Hell-in-a-Cell, winning the Italian Championship back in the process. CABOOSE I think we’ve seen enough of those clips. However, whoever’s responsible for running the television monitors doesn’t exactly agree. The footage rewinds itself and loops back to The Mad Cappa entrapping Drek Stone in the Walls of Cappa once again. Drek, taking a wary breath, can’t help but keep his eyes focused upon the TV screen. DREK I…..I DIDN’T TAP OUT! Almost immediately -- somewhat like sheep -- well, not really somewhat. Exactly like sheep. But you get the idea -- the crowd in the aerobic room start chanting at the Heavyweight Champion about his shameful past. “YOU TAPPED OUT!” “YOU TAPPED OUT!” “YOU TAPPED OUT!” DREK I DID NOT!! I DID NOT!! “YOU TAPPED OUT!” “YOU TAPPED OUT!” DREK IT WAS AN ALLERGIC REACTION! I’M ALLERGIC TO THE WALLS OF CAPPA!! I’M ALLERGIC! I HAVE A DOCTOR’S NOTE SAYING SO!! COLE Uh oh. Drek Stone is starting to flip out here. CABOOSE Well, if he has a doctor’s note, case closed, I think. DREK YOU PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ALLERGIES! NOTHING!! Unfortunately, since Drek Stone was so busy screaming at the audience about his terrible allergies, he’s unable to notice The Mad Cappa locking a handcuff around his taped wrist. In a flash, Cappa then secures the other end to a nearby treadmill. CABOOSE What?! What the hell is The Mad Cappa doing?! Drek, looking shocked that Cappa would pull such a dastardly thing, tries pulling at the handcuff, but inevitably finds himself securely attached. Drek moves onto the treadmill to get a better grip of the cuff, allowing Cappa the chance to turn on the running machine. DREK WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! I’M ALLERGIC TO TREADMILLS TOO!! Drek starts running in place as The Mad Cappa grinds up the treadmill’s speed to its top level. The machine starts moving at a FRANTIC pace as Drek struggles to keep up with it, running as fast as he could. Cappa laughs as he runs out of the room, continuing his bid for the Heavyweight Title. DREK AHHHHHHH! JOSIE!! GET ME OFF THIS CRAZY THING!! Drek then looks up and finds the License to Pin footage still playing on the TV screens. DREK AND GET THAT DAMN MATCH OFF THE SCREEN TOO!! As Drek Stone continues to run in place, The Mad Cappa breaks through the double doors to find himself now in a basketball court. CABOOSE Guys, this isn’t good! Someone needs to get a key and quick. If Drek stays locked to that treadmill, that’s it. His Heavyweight Title run could be finished! Somebody DO SOMETHING!! COACH SO GO GET THE KEY!! CABOOSE …..hmm? The Mad Cappa could see the beach -- and the Heavyweight Title -- calling for him through the next door. But he could also see Alix Spezia standing before him, clutching a basketball in her muscular hands. The room is surprisingly dark, but there’s no doubt to Cappa that the Tag Team Champion is standing before him. ALIX Hey Cappa…… Alix forcefully checks the ball to Cappa. ALIX ….you think you have game?! “YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” With a grin, Cappa catches the ball and starts dribbling it slowly. *BOUNCE* *BOUNCE* *BOUNCE* Alix pushes up to him to steal the ball quickly, but Cappa shoves her away with his hip. COACH Guys, Cappa’s Puerto Rican, right? COLE I think so. COACH Oh, this should be cake for him then. COLE ….we make enough racist comments tonight yet? After being checked away so easily, Alix focuses on The Mad Cappa with even more determination. With his back to Alix, Cappa starts easing his way backwards, still calmly dribbling the ball. But suddenly, Alix reaches a hand out and shoves the ball away from Cappa’s control. Cappa gasps as the ball goes bouncing down the court, but Alix runs after it, easily retrieving it. The fans pop loudly as Alix starts marching down the court with the ball safely dribbling before her. Cappa can only look on and stare as Alix brushes past him…. SHE JUMPS UP…. SLAM DUNK!!! COACH BOOMSHAKALAKASHAKALAKA~!~! CABOOSE Already, I’d take her over anyone on the New York Knicks. COACH ZING~! “ALIX!” “ALIX!” “ALIX!” Alix hangs triumphantly off the basketball net, but starts screaming when she realizes that The Mad Cappa is pulling at her panties. Her scream is quickly drowned out by the deafening roar of all the fans standing in the court. “YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!” As Cappa continues to pull at Alix’s underwear, he notices that he’s no closer at removing the panties from her waist. Instead, a seam is starting to split along the top of her head. Cappa keeps pulling as the seam continues to tear along the back of Alix’s head, then her back, and finally towards her legs. COLE What the hell is going on here? With one final pull, Cappa yanks at the panties -- and an entire bodysuit falls on top of him! Alix, clearly flustered, lets go of the basketball net, drops to the floor, and turns around to face The Mad Cappa! COACH WHOA!!! COLE THAT WASN’T ALIX! IT WAS….. COLE ABE VIGODA!! COACH The former OAOAST Chairman is BACK on HeldDown! The Mad Cappa stares at this Alix IMPOSTER~! in absolute shock. VIGODA Yes, indeedy, son. WHO GOT GAME NOW, BOYEEEEEEEE~?~! For absolutely no reason whatsoever, Abe Vigoda starts doing the Charleston in the center of the basketball court. The Mad Cappa is speechless. The fans are speechless. The announcers: COLE ….. CABOOSE …… COACH …… All speechless. Finally, The Mad Cappa just shakes his head and starts breaking for the final door. COLE So wait…..does this mean Abe Vigoda has been Alix the entire time? CABOOSE Well, it certainly would explain a lot of things. COACH That bicyclist earlier must get off on some really wrinkly titties then…. As The Mad Cappa gets closer to the door leading to the beach, Leon Rodez suddenly leaps out from behind the bleachers and pulls down Cappa’s shorts! Everyone in the building screams out in laughter as The Mad Cappa tries desperately to cover up his Puerto Rican flag thong. COLE *whistles* CABOOSE GHEY~! As Cappa struggles to pull his pants back up, Rodez runs out the door and steps onto the beach. The fans in attendance at Cocoa Beach break out into a wild roar, realizing that Leon Rodez is now the closest one to obtaining the Heavyweight Championship. He starts taking a few steps towards the ring but is suddenly surrounded by his right-wing Christian best friends again. RODEZ Oh, Jeez. What the hell do you guys want now?! Sister Mary Jane, an elderly nun from the Great Church of St. Dominic, steps out of the group with a bottle of clear liquid in her hand. She does the Sign of the Cross upon Rodez’s forehead, then calmly starts spraying the liqud into his eyes. RODEZ Oh my God, that BURNS!!! MARY JANE MR. RODEZ, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!! I PROMISE TO GET SATAN OUT OF YOUR SOUL!! As Rodez shields his eyes in pain, the nun places her right hand on Rodez’s forehead and opens the Bible to some random page. MARY JANE SATAN, EVACUATE THIS YOUNG MAN’S BODY! LET GOD FILL HIS HEART WITH ABSTINENCE AND PRAYER! DRIVE OUT THE EVILS OF SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK N’ROLL! As Sister Mary Jane continues her exorcism upon the X-Division Champion, the crowd suddenly turns to the ocean when they hear someone screaming from a far distance. SWIMMER Help me! HELP ME! I’M DROWNING! However, the Christian group still stays focused on Leon Rodez, determined to help evacuate him from the Devil. RODEZ Guys…..YO! Shouldn’t someone go out and try to help that swimmer? MARY JANE Help him? Oh, God will help him with salvation, yada, yada, yada. Now, BEEZLEBUB, THE LORD DEMANDS YOU LEAVE THIS YOUNG MAN’S BODY! MAY HE NO MORE TAINT THIS COUNTRY WITH IMMORAL PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEOS! As the mob starts to tighten their circle around the X-Champion, Leon Rodez suddenly breaks through them with lightning quick speed and starts darting towards the ocean. COACH Now that is a real hero! He’s determined to save that poor swimmer out there! As Rodez dashes towards the ocean to save this unfortunate diver, the footage suddenly begins to slow down. Instead of running quickly, Leon Rodez seems to actually be going in slow motion. His footprints in the sand become more impactful. The wind slowly blows around him, causing his hair to lightly flip around his head. And from nowhere in particular, a familiar jingle can be heard. Some people stand in the darkness Afraid to step into the light Some people need to help somebody When the edge of surrender’s in sight.. The camera dramatically catches the swimmer struggling the ocean, then Rodez continuing to surge towards the water. Don’t you worry! Its gonna be alright ‘cause I’m always ready, I won’t let you out of my sight. As Rodez gets closer to the ocean, the camera suddenly finds someone running alongside Leon Rodez. Rodez comes to a slow stop and looks across him to find…. RODEZ PA…….PAM….. PAMELA ANDERSON Rodez, let me handle this one. Don’t worry about it. Pamela Anderson then shoves Leon Rodez into the sand and dives into the ocean, presumably to save the diver. I’ll Be Ready I’ll Be Ready Never you fear No, don’t you fear I’ll be ready Forever and always I’m always here. Of course, we don’t care about him anymore. CABOOSE Was that PA…..PAM….. COACH PAM…..um, PAM….. COLE Pamela Anderson, right? I don’t understand this attraction everyone has to her. COACH I didn’t even realize she still did this gig! As Rodez rolls along the sand, still enamored with the fact that Pamela Anderson touched him on the shoulder, he slowly moves onto his knees. Once he gets up, he starts running forward and almost goes crashing into a hot dog vendor. However, he manages to stop himself at the last minute from imminent deep-fried disaster. Wanting to confront this near catastrophe, Rodez gets ready to scream at the vendor -- but stops when he actually realizes who it is. CABOOSE Well, now this is just getting ridiculous! Rodez shakes his head in surprise before speaking to this superstar actor who has fallen from grace. RODEZ David…..it’s come to this?! HASSELHOFF It’s not too bad! All the free hot dogs you could want, you know? The ever-popular AWKWARDNESS floats down between these two modern American heroes as they slowly stare down at their feet, wanting to break away from the conversation but not quite knowing what to say. Finally, Leon Rodez makes the first move. RODEZ Well, David…..I, uh….hmm…..I have a Heavyweight Title to win. I’ll talk to you later. HASSELHOFF Yeah, sure, sure. Nice seeing you, man. As Leon breaks away to obtain his first ever Heavyweight Championship, David Hasselhoff thinks out loud to himself. HASSELHOFF An actor winning a professional wrestling Heavyweight title?! That could rejuvenate my career! Seconds after Rodez starts running down to the beach, Hasselhoff goes chasing after him. COACH Well, that probably isn’t going to end good. COLE Wait, I’m being told someone else is walking around here…. The camera picture leaves the Rodez Saga for a second, and spots Drek Stone jogging along the beachside, trying to get back into this thing. CABOOSE YES! DREK! How do you think he got out of those cuffs?! COACH Let’s just say a wizard did it. The Heavyweight Champion continues to run along the beach, desperately trying to get his title belt before someone could steal it from him. Along the way, he makes it a point to stomp down sandcastles and grin at the children’s sobbing faces as he does it. He suddenly stops his run in the middle, however, when he spots someone tanning on a beach towel. With a smile, Drek eases his way over to the man, wanting to get a better look at what exactly the casual tourist is doing. DREK Hmm. Drek Stone slowly looks down at the lotion-covered face of this casual beachgoer. With evil intentions dancing through his mind, Drek reaches down and grabs a nice, heavy handful of sand. COLE Oh, come on. There’s no need for this. With reckless abandon, Drek then drops the cloud of sand onto the tourist’s face. The man turns and starts coughing as Drek steps back -- and KICKS a plume of sand into the man’s face! CABOOSE YES! YES! That’s how you treat a 100-lb weakling! Wonderful. Drek Stone lets out a LOUD laugh as the man rolls over, trying to get the sand of his eyes. He then stands -- --and keeps standing -- --and keeps standing! COLE UH-OH! COACH That wasn’t a 100-lb weakling, guys! With unbelieving eyes, Drek stares upwards as the man’s height continues to rise. Finally, the Heavyweight Champion comes to the same realization everyone at home has already discovered. COLE IT’S THE SADIST! CABOOSE RUN, DREK! RUN! DREK Without waiting another second, Drek starts high-tailing it out of there, not wanting to face The Sadist’s wrath. The Sadist takes a moment to wipe the sand out of his eyes, then pulls a pair of sunglasses out of his swim trunks. He slowly puts them over his eyes, cracks his fists together, then starts stalking down the beach after Drek Stone! The fans of Cocoa Beach start cheering rabidly as Drek jets down the beach, with the suntan lotion-covered face of The Sadist following right behind him. CABOOSE Come on, Sadist! It was a joke! COACH Can’t blame the man. He was trying to pick up chicks, na’mean? CABOOSE Na…..what? As Drek zooms down to the beach, he comes to The Mad Cappa and Alix shoving each other back and forth. Suddenly, Leon Rodez comes between the two of them and pulls them apart. THE MAD CAPPA Why the hell would you have Abe Vigoda dress up in a Alix costume?! ALIX I told you! I thought it would be FUNNY!! LEON RODEZ Guys, guys, come on. That’s enough fighting! Cappa, I hate you. Drek, you’re an asshole. Alix, you be one happening ho. And while I know we’re in the middle of a match right now, stop and think about it for a second. We’re on a beach, right? CAPPA Yeah…. LEON RODEZ The weather outside is beautiful, correct? DREK Sure. LEON RODEZ So come on! There’s only one thing we really can do right now. Let’s…. ALIX DANCE! Everyone on the beach -- the fans, the wrestlers, and even the referee -- suddenly break out into a wild beach dance as a boom box nearby starts to play some lively pop music. ALL I’m gonna grab my girl And head to the beach Hick-A-Doo-La! Drek Stone and Alix start grinding together as the song plays. ALL We’re gonna all hang then And then maybe then Hick-A-Doo-La Cappa and Rodez fall simultaneously to the sand, then do kip-ups back to their feet CAPPA, DREK, RODEZ Cause I’m a Hick-A-Doo-La Boy! ALIX And I’m a Hick-A-Doo-La Girl! ALL And together it’s a Hick-A-Doo-La world! Hick-A-Doo-La! As everyone on the beach dances in place, Cappa leans over to Alix with a confused look on his face. CAPPA Alix, what does Hick-A-Doo-La mean? The music stops for a moment as everyone stares at The Mad Cappa. ALL WHAT DOES HICK-A-DOO-LA MEAN?! ALIX Well, Hick-A-Doo-La is that special feeling you get when you fondle your tag team partner! RODEZ It’s having kinky sex with two beautiful girls! DREK It’s stomping grapes at your beautiful summer home in Sicily! STEPHEN POPICK It’s obeying ALL the rules! Simulatenously, Drek Stone, Leon Rodez, Alix, and The Mad Cappa pick Stephen Joseph up over their head and run towards the ocean. They then throw Stephen Popick… *SPLASH* …into the water! “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Suddenly, the music stops and all four superstars stare each other down. But before they can react, The Sadist stomps by and pushes both Drek Stone and The Mad Cappa to the ground. Drek and Cappa look up in absolute shock. DREK CAPPA All four wrestlers then start sprinting for the ring, really eager to capture the Heavyweight Title they all feel they’re entitled to. COLE It’s a wild sprint to capture that title in the center of the ring! Who’s gonna get to it first?! CABOOSE Come on, Drek! GET THAT TITLE! COME ON!! Somehow, Alix actually manages to pull away with the lead. Drek, Cappa, and Rodez start screaming as Alix hops up to the ring apron with one jump and tries making her way in. But before she can step through the ropes, Cappa snatches her in a powebomb position and starts pulling her away from the ropes. Alix tries holding onto the top rope with all her strength, but Drek and Rodez work together to swat at her arms. Finally, she’s forced to release. As she does, Cappa runs forward and…. *CRASH!* GIVES HER A CAPPABOMB ONTO THE WOODEN RAMP! Instantly after Alix hits the ground, she breaks through several of the planks, leaving an imprint of her body in the wood! The fans can’t believe it, and break out into a loud series of jeers. However, those jeers are quickly broken up by a familiar chant. “HOLY SHIT!” “HOLY SHIT!” “HOLY SHIT!” The Cocoa Beach crowd breaks out into a wild applause as Alix rolls around a mangled mess of wooden planks and splinters. COLE My god! Alix went RIGHT THROUGH that wooden ramp! CABOOSE What a POWERFUL powerbomb! I already respect The Mad Cappa even more! The Mad Cappa turns around and spots Drek Stone and Leon Rodez standing there watching him. It’s now down to those three. An actual moment of silence passes between the competitors before they suddenly make a wild scramble to the ring again! Leon Rodez tries sliding into the ring to get the belt quickly -- “YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” -- but Cappa manages to hold onto his ankle, keeping him from getting into the ring! CABOOSE Oh my god! This is too close! Cappa, hold him there! Please! Rodez tries kicking himself away from Cappa’s grip, but it’s no use. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Drek Stone comes running with a beach umbrella in his hands. He swings it upward -- -- AND SMASHES THE UMBRELLA OVER CAPPA’S HEAD! The Mad Cappa’s head pops out through the other side of the fabric, effectively hanging the umbrella off his neck! COLE Beach umbrella! Beach umbrella! Beach umbrella! CABOOSE YES! WE KNOW! Cappa stares at Drek Stone with a blank expression on his face for a moment, then slowly starts falling backwards. COACH TIMB-E-E-R-R-R-R-R-R-R! Cappa hits the grains of sand lifelessly, with the umbrella still wrapped around his neck! COLE Looks like Cappa might be out of this match too! We could be down to two! With Cappa’s grip now released from his ankle, Leon gets back up immediately. With no one blocking him, Rodez is free to RUN FOR THE GOLD…. CABOOSE NO! NO! ….NO! DREK HOPS UP TO THE APRON AND YANKS AT LEON’S HAIR! Leon turns around quickly and gives Drek Stone a hard shot to the face. Drek reels back, coming close to falling off the apron, but Rodez hangs onto him by his head. He pulls the Heavyweight Champion towards the corner and starts forcing him to climb the turnbuckle. COACH What is Leon Rodez prepared to do here?! CABOOSE Come on, Leon! This is the guy you just danced with! Still grabbing a full hold of his opponent’s hair, Rodez finally forces Drek to stand on the top rope. Once he does so, Leon starts climbing up after him. Eventually, they both end up on the top turnbuckle, with the reaction in Cocoa Beach starting to reach a fever pitch. Leon hooks Drek Stone up in a superplex position, and the fans start screaming even louder. CABOOSE NO, NO, NO, NO!!! COLE Is he going to push him off that turnbuckle?! Finally, after taking a few moments to summon his strength, Rodez LIFTS DREK STONE UP -- -- NO! DREK BLOCKS IT! Not being deterred, Leon tries lifting Drek up AGAIN -- --NO! DREK BLOCKS IT AGAIN! Rodez tries a third attempt, but suddenly Drek drops his head, placing it near Rodez’s midsection. Stone suddenly lifts his neck up quickly -- -- AND DROPS LEON RODEZ FROM THE TOP ROPE TO THE SANDY BEACH WITH A BACK-BODY DROP!! LEON LANDS FLAT ON HIS BACK AFTER FALLING FROM THE TOP TURNBUCKLE! COACH WHOA!!! CABOOSE YES! THAT’S IT! “HOLY SHIT!” “HOLY SHIT!” “HOLY SHIT!” CABOOSE Come on, Drek! This thing is over! Grab the title! However, instead of seizing his opportunity and rushing for the title, Drek falls off the top rope onto the ring mat. He simply looks too spent to reach for his belt. COLE What’s going on here?! Everyone is out cold! Who the hell is going to claim this title?! COACH WAIT….wait, Cole! Not everybody! As the fans wait for one of the competitors to stir, they can only watch as David Hasselhoff jumps out through the crowd and over the ring barrier. He makes a sprint for the ring as the fans scream for someone -- ANYONE -- to stop this! COLE NO! NO! COACH DON’T TELL ME! DAVID HASSELHOFF SLIDES INTO THE RING!! HE REACHES FOR THE TITLE!! NO!!! THE SADIST SUDDENLY GRABS A HOLD OF HASSELHOFF’S ANKLE AND YANKS HIM OUT OF THE RING!! COACH OH MY GOD!! In one swift motion, The Sadist wraps a hand around Hasselhoff’s throat, lifts him up -- -- AND CHOKESLAMS HIM INTO THE SAND!! COLE What a chokeslam! CABOOSE Serves Hasselhoff right! Go back to Germany! With Hasselhoff now taken out of the match as well, Drek Stone slowly starts to stir in the ring. The fans begin screaming as they see the completely worn out Drek start to muscle himself onto his knees. CABOOSE Yes! Go Drek! Come on! COLE Could this be it?! With the Heavyweight Title halfway across the ring from him, Drek starts to slowly crawl towards it. The fans of Cocoa Beach really start shouting for anyone to stop him, but it looks to be useless at this time. Drek keeps crawling. Crawling for his gold. Crawling for HIS property. Finally, he gets close enough! CABOOSE YES! YES! He reaches his arm up -- “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” -- and wraps his hand around the Heavyweight Title! *DING! DING! DING!* BUFFER WINNER OF THIS MATCH…..AND STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OAOAST HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION……DRRRRRRRRRRRRRREK STOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!! The REAL sounds of “Woke Up This Morning” start to blast over the loudspeakers as Drek pulls the title closer to him and hugs the gold tightly near his chest. CABOOSE Oh, wow! I can’t believe it! What an amazing champion! What an absolutely inspiring champion! COLE Well, Drek Stone is sure to go in the record books now. The first-ever Run for the Gold winner! Folks, this was an entertaining one the entire way through, no doubt about it! COACH I don’t even know what the hell happened. As Drek holds the title to his chest, he starts using the top rope to pull himself up to his feet. Once he gets to a standing position, and all is right in the world to him, the hard-rock sounds of an electric guitar are enough to scare the Heavyweight Champion once more. CUE: Black CABOOSE NO! COLE COULD IT BE?! CABOOSE Come on! Keep him out of here! Nobody let him through! With wide eyes, Drek stares out at the entranceway, obviously not wanting to see his Zero Hour at this point and time. Stone then moves to the ring ropes facing the ramp and leans out over the top, signaling to Hoff that’s he ready to fight him. However, since his attention is so solidly focused on the ring ramp, he’s unable to notice someone running out through the crowd. Someone jumping over the ringside barrier. Someone sliding into the ring. And someone KNOCKING DREK STONE OVER THE TOP ROPE! COLE HOFF!! CABOOSE OH, DAMMIT! Once Drek hits the ground, Hoff immediately climbs out through the ropes to follow him. Drek tries sprinting away from the current #1 Contender, but Hoff simply won’t allow him to get away. He grabs Drek by his left arm, yanks it towards him, and brings Drek Stone down with a HARD short-arm clothesline! The fans in the building let out a wild cheer as Drek drops to the ground nursing his neck. “YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Once Drek spends a second regaining his bearings, he grabs his title belt and starts making a wild dash towards the beach. Hoff chases after him like a lion stalking his prey, knowing he has the champion at his mercy. Drek tries desperately to run down to the ocean, but once he actually gets close to the water, Hoff hits him with a clothesline to the back of the head, bringing Drek Stone down once more. CABOOSE Come on! Where’s the Sadist when you need him?! David Hasselhoff?! Abe Vigoda?! SOMEONE! SOMEONE STOP HOFF FROM DOING SOMETHING WE’LL ALL REGRET! Not happy with simply knocking Drek Stone down, Hoff picks him up off the beach by the back of his head. He takes a moment to brush the sand off Drek’s chest, then lightly kicks the Heavyweight Title off to the side. Drek woozily tries to fall down, but Hoff keeps a solid hold on him. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Unleashing a violent scream, Hoff picks Drek Stone up…. *BAM!* *SPLASH!* …..AND SPINEBUSTERS HIM INTO THE OCEAN! The fans in Cocoa Beach start going absolutely INSANE as Hoff rises and stands before the Heavyweight Champion, proudly grinning at what he just did. CABOOSE I can not believe this! What happened to the honor Hoff used to have?! I ACTUALLY USED TO RESPECT THAT GUY! I can’t believe it! As Drek lays lifelessly in the water, Hoff picks the Heavyweight Title off of the beach. With a wink, Hoff looks out at the fans, then wipes the grains of sand of the gold plate of the Heavyweight Championship. Finally, Hoff symbolically places the title over his shoulder, receiving a massive positive reaction in return. COLE Hoff was the Heavyweight Champion once before! Could this be what we see at Zero Hour?! COACH Well, minus the beach, of course. But honestly, Cole, I really do think this is a good sign of the future! Can Drek Stone actually beat Hoff?! CABOOSE YES! YES! Even after Hoff’s disgusting actions tonight, Drek Stone will destroy him at Zero Hour! He has to! Hoff raises the title up over his head, as the current sweeps in and slowly starts to take the lifeless body of Drek Stone out to sea. The camera fades away as Drek floats further out into the ocean. Missing one important possession. The one possession that means the most to him. The one possession he fought so unbelievably hard for tonight. The OAOAST Heavyweight Title. Now proudly sitting over Hoff’s shoulder. *fade to black*

Axel and Crystal are seen walking through the hall, arm in arm, when Axel suddenly stops. AXEL Hey, Crys, I gotta swing by the office now, but I’ll meet you in the lockerroom in ten? CRYSTAL Yeah thats fine, see you in a bit. Axel walks down the corridor, a happy man, when he stops at the General Manager of HeldDown’s office. He knocks, hears a ‘come in!’, and slowly opens the door, to find Josie, with Jasmine sitting at a desk near her, her daughter in a cradle on the other side of the room. AXEL Hows everyone’s favourite boss? JOSIE Adam! Jasmine hugs Axel and Josie does the same, all three smiling, obviously happy to see each other. JOSIE So, what do I owe this surprise visit from my surrogate brother? AXEL Well Jose, I wanted to see how you were settling in first, because I didn’t want to disturb you in the last few weeks, and there was the whole Crystal and me thing going on. Tension is bad. Anyway, you’re doing a top job girl, I knew you would. But I also came here to talk business. JOSIE Ah yes, I saw what Cappa did earlier , and he’ll be recieving a verbal castration from me, no worries about it. I suppose you want a match? AXEL Well actually, yeah, I do. But I want to settle this crap with Stevens and Jumbo as well. Can you help me out there? JOSIE Well, I think they got the message tonight, but of course. How does this sound? Next week on HeldDown, it will be a tag team match, with Axel and Crystal facing Chris Stevens and The Mad Cappa. Then, at Zero Hour, in a preview of AngleMania four, its going to be Axel versus The Mad Cappa, one on one, with Chris Stevens and Jumbo barred from ringside, so you won’t get any trouble from them. Hows that? AXEL Perfect Jose. Now, hows my favourite niece? JOSIE Oh she’s fine, a little cranky tonight, I think she misses her dad a bit, but she’ll be ok. AXEL Well once you’re done here, Crystal and I are headed out to dinner, you and Jas want to join? JOSIE Nah, I think you two have a little catching up to do after what I saw in the ring. I’ll see you next week. AXEL Alrighty, and thanks again. JOSIE Psh, no trouble. Axel walks out the door, leaving Josie and Jasmine with smiles all around. They go back to work as we fade out. *back to the boys~!* COLE Our GM setting up some big matches! CABOOSE If Drek Stone was in them he'd win them all. COLE What's your point? CABOOSE That Drek Stone is great. God, I cannot believe this farce of a title match. COACH Speaking of, we've got a match for mah FAVORITE title up next: da LAAAAAAA-DIIIIIIIIEEES TITLE!! CABOOSE At least he's passionate. Only U by Ashanti plays leading the fans to boo! Candie comes out from the back dressed for the occasion in purple flip flops, black shorts, and a red t-shirt that says “Can you afford me?” Still on crutches, thanks to the Women’s Champion, Candie hobbles over to the announce team, who’s heterosexual members are more then thrilled to see her! CABOOSE Have a seat your highness! COACH Triple C has become Quadruple C, thanks to the addition of these double D’s. CABOOSE M.C. Coachman, everybody. CANDIE Caboose, Coach, always a pleasure to be out here with you. The two of you make life worth living. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. COLE Candie, Josie made a very controversial ruling last week when she said if anyone interferes in our upcoming Women’s Title match, you will be held personally accountable and will lose your Women’s title shot. That means if, say, Logan or Jim Cornette or Alix or Simon gets involved in this match, you’re deemed responsible! CANDIE Why do you think I’m out here? I’m making sure no one tries to deprive me of my fair share. If anyone who doesn’t belong here comes out, I’m launching a crutch at their skull. Because Krista is too cool (and too old) to enter to a Lindsay Lohan song, her singles entrance music of You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette drips out of the loud speakers. The curtain/door/whatever sweeps open, revealing one half of the tag team champions. COLE Fans, don’t forget that the OAOAST, Ebay and The Humane Society of America are teaming up to give you the chance to win a night with the tag team champions, Chicks Over Dicks! Log on to Ebay.com right now and place your winning bid! COACH Bitch, please. The basement dwelling, sad sack, wrestling nerds that make up our fanbase can barely afford a Playboy to jerk off to, much less a multi thousand dollar date with the two finest honies in wrestling. CANDIE Ouch! That was a good one. COLE Yes, insulting the paying customer is always a good thing. BUFFER Now making her way to the ring, from West Hollywood, California...she is one half of the professional wrestling tag team champions of the world, author of the New York Times best selling self help book No Man, No Cry, and star of the award winning fitness video, Buns With Kid...KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAAANNNNN! “KRISTA! KRISTA! KIRSTA!” One scowl from the reigning tag team champion shuts the crowd up instantly. Krista is in no mood to hear them bleat her name. Decked out in a sparkling gold mini skirt with a rhinestone belt stretching around her waist, and gold top, the smoking hot tag team champion slides into the ring, waiting on her opponent for the night. The eery opening piano solo of Another Body Murdered kicks up. It’s quickly followed by the hard driving guitar riffs, then joined by anger tinged vocals. Holly strides out to top of the makeshift entrance ramp. Attired in baggy leather pants, and a black bikini top, she thrusts her extravagantly decorated diamond belt high in the air, the light shimmering off it’s beautiful surface. BUFFER And the champion...from Hollywood, California....appearing courtesy of Arista Records....HOLLY-WOOODDDD! CANDIE Holly costs The Saints their match against, GPX, and she goes unpunished! I don’t do anything but bring up the fact that Holly attacked me from behind and all of a sudden Josie hangs a threat over my head for something I have no control over! That’s straight stupid. Ned Blanchard comes running out from the back and quickly catches up to Holly. The smiling wrestler takes his hand in hers, but she jerks her body part away, showing that she wants nothing to do with him! Although, her orders of “Get lost!” would lead one to believe that she wishes to be rid of her annoying tag along, he sports the Lime Green Lacoste shirt, that was acquired on their alleged date. This article of clothing sheds a different light on their relationship. COLE That’s the shirt Ned said Holly forced him to buy on their date. I don’t know why he wouldn’t want to buy it. I think the green is an ab fab color. It does so much for his complexion. And the way the shirt is tailored really lends to his physique. I’m not a fan of the trucker hat he’s got on. I think there is a time and a place for such headwear, but in a wrestling event full of hicks where everyone is a trucker, it loses some of its fashionista stylings. At least in my mind. CANDIE I agree. And its tilted way to much. A small tilt is fine, but the line between cool tilt and early 90's rapper tilt is even finer. Ned positions himself on the outside, while both wrestlers get the pre match pat down. After they’re deemed clean, the bell is rung. *DING DING DING* Lockup to start. Right off the bat Krista gets an arm wrench. Holly immediately drops to the ground and does a forward roll. She then kicks her leg back and pulls Krista down with a surprise drop toe hold, ending the arm wrench! Krista does manage to get her hands in front of her face, protecting her model good looks from the rock hard mat. Holly puts Krista into a headlock. A short struggle ensues and Holly eventually leads Krista upright, looking to gain better positioning. Using sheer strength, Krista powers her way out of the hold, by pushing Holly off her! Now its her turn to get a side headlock on a shocked Holly! BUT, Holly recovers from her surprised state and spins her body in front of KID’s, so that she’s facing away from her enemy. She reaches backwards and flings Krista forward with an over the shoulder arm drag! Wasting no time, Holly snags Krista into an armbar. In this form of the armbar, Holly has herself in a kneeling position. “What do ya say, Krista?” OAOAST referee Charles Robinson asks the challenger. Krista grunts out a no and motions for Robinson to give her some space. She rolls onto her stomach and pushes herself up off the mat. Holly, trying to keep her armbar on, has little choice but to join her, and the two battle over the hold. Holly fakes like she’s going to Irish Whip Krista, but quickly pulls her back in and nails her with a single leg takedown. On her own free will, Holly breaks the armbar on Krista, who’s lying back up on the mat. Holly moves into a camel clutch. NO! Krista counters the submission by sliding her arms behind Holly-Wood’s legs and driving her to the ring floor with a grounded double leg takedown! Holly’s face slaps the canvas and she’s in obvious pain! A true competitor, Krista goes in front of her and takes full advantage of this and grabs her into a bodylock. COLE I have to say this match is pretty captivating from a technical stand point alone. CANDIE If you think a match is captivating after two minutes, you must have a terrible attention span. Krista pulls Holly up, transforming the bodylock into a standing head scissors. She goes for a pile driver, but Holly simply counters that by dropping to her knees and dead assing Izzy. Disgruntled, Krista takes hold of Holly’s arm and hauls her upright. She hurls her into the ropes! Upon rebounding, she sends the redhead flying overhead with a back body drop! NO! Holly stymies Krista by landing on her feet! BUT Krista takes her out with a sneaky chop block to the knees! Holly crumples to the ground, letting out a surprised whimper. The crowd sits enthralled by this match. Krista grabs Holly into a leg lock, applying pressure to the champ’s left leg which she just chopped block. The tag team champion leans forward and presses Holly’s shoulders into the mat for a leg lock pin! 1 2 KICK OUT~! “Way to go, sweetiecakes!” Ned says, clapping his hands together. Grabbing her rival’s Coke can color hair, Krista brings her forward and pulls her into a guillotine choke with a leg lock. A high pitched scream springs forth from Holly’s throat, two different parts of her body now being mercilessly attacked. The champion raises her hand and uses a closed to fist to slug Krista in the jaw! The blow, while illegal, rocks Duncan’s world and she let’s Holly’s head go free to attend to her own wounds. Seizing on a new found freedom, Holly, still in an annoying leg lock, lunges forward and pushes Kris into a lateral press! 1...2...KICK OUT! CANDIE Krista and Holly are the two oldest wrestlers on the roster. Not oldest women, but oldest wrestlers. Just thought I’d bring that up. Krista releases the leg lock and they both stand up. Izzy spins behind Holly and locks in a waistlock. It’s nothing that Holly can’t handle and she easily spreads Krista’s arms apart, breaking the ensnarement. Keeping possession of one of Krista’s arms, the incumbent tries for an armbar take down....COUNTERED WITH THE DIVORCE (single arm ddt!)! BLOCKED with an elbow to the face by Holly! The ill tempered diva staggers forward, having nearly been floored by the divorce. Showing no ill effects from the elbow shot, Krista drags Holly to the mat with a side headlock takedown. She tries a new tactic by dropping the head lock and wrapping her legs around Holly for a grounded head scissors. She crosses her ankles just to make sure the hold is sealed in tight. Not one to let Krista dominate, Holly painfully shifts her body so that she’s lying with her back on mat. Her hope is that she can kick out of the hold. The hope is snuffed out as Krista, still with the head scissors, slowly flips and adjusts Holly so that’s she put into a crouching position. Holly’s head is buried in between Krista’s legs, drawing a raucous pop from the horny and heavily inebriated males in the audience. COACH I had to pay 3,000 big ones of Mikey’s money to get some chick named Whysper to put me in that position last night. Holly flips her legs forward so that they’re wrapped around Krista’s head. Pressing her arms against the mat she’s able to break the head scissors. Now, she shoots her entire body forward, landing her ass square on Krista’s face, drawing another pop and another envious remark from Coach as well as pushing Krista down for a pin. 1...2...KICK OUT! “Come on babycakes, you can do it!” Ned shouts. “I’m not you’re babycakes, asshole!” Holly snaps back. Her attention diverted, by her vain boy-toy, Holly fails to see that Krista has climbed to the top turnbuckle. Holly turns around only to get smacked in the face with missile dropkick! Holly spreads out across the mat, leaving her back open to a bombardment of attacks. Krista runs the ropes then comes back with a double stomp, savagely driving her boots into Holly’s back! After the stomp, she tosses her body into the air with a senton splash, hitting Holly in the same part of her back that the stomp did. The audience, clad in beachwear, applauds Krista’s attack. She keeps them entertained by running to the ropes and rolling back towards Holly. She stands her body up and extends it into a frogsplash, DRILLING Holly’s back once again! “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” CANDIE Holly is thirty, and Krista is thirty-two. I felt that’s important to point out. They’re the only ones on the wrong side of 30 in the OAOAST. After yanking Holly to her feet, Krista ties her arm around her waist, then proceeds to lift her for a pendulum for a backbreaker! With the peaceful noise of waves crashing against the shores off in the distance, Krista drops Holly back first into her knee! Spasms of pain sweep through Holly’s body, but her expression remains characteristically blank, as she’s unwilling to give Krista the satisfaction of seeing her hurt. “Let’s go, sweetheart!” Neddy hollers, slamming his hand against the mat to rally the champion. Ned’s unwanted encouragement seems to be causing more pain to Holly then Krista’s back breaker. The champ stands up and tosses a kick towards Krista! The fresher challenger, catches her foot and wags her finger like a mother chastising a misbehaving child. The best selling author spins Holly around so that she’s facing a beach volleyball game as opposed to her lethal challenger. Krista grabs an inverted face lock then hammers Miss Wood with an inverted DDT, once again slamming her back into her knee! The fans cheer, while Krista pushes her thick golden hair out of her eyes. She goes for a pin. 1 2 KICK OUT! Krista stands Holly up. She pulls her into an all too familiar front face lock and tries to go for a vertical suplex! BUT Holly very wisely hooks her leg between Krista’s. This makes it almost impossible to lift her up. Krista, perhaps the most stubborn woman alive, refuses to admit defeat and keeps trying to suplex Holly! Sweat launches off her forehead as she attempts in vain to lift the champ up. Holly, who’s starting to feel like she’s being choked to death, begins to punch Krista in the ribs. After the fifth body blow connects, Krista breaks the hold. Although a tad dazed from the successive rib shots, Krista is capable of ducking Holly’s clothesline attempt! The redhead’s arm sails over KID’s head and she clumsily stumbles forward. Ever the opportunistic one, Krista jumps on the fact that Holly’s mistep has left her wide open! She leaps into the air and shoots her legs forward, dropkicking Holly in her injured back! The flame haired diva, having no idea of what hit her, staggers forward and hits the ropes. Her momentum works against her, and carries her back to Krista who floors her with The Sweetest Thing(reverse face crusher)! The fans go bonkers, the small group creating nearly as much noise as arena packed with thousands! Krista leans forward and grabs Holly’s leg for a pin! 1 2 KICK OUT! “THAT A GIRL!” Ned screams, bouncing up and down and clapping his hands like a father watching his daughter at a figure skating competition COLE Holly kicked out of Krista’s finisher! CANDIE Is it a finisher if you never pin anyone with it? IS IT???? COLE Must you yell? I’m sitting right next to you! CANDIE SORRY! Unlike most wrestlers who would delve into endless accusations of a slow count, Krista calmly dismounts Holly and grabs both her legs. No one but Krista knows what she’s going to do, which is just the way she likes it. Holly does nothing to fight out of the mysterious hold, allowing Krista to easily snatch her into a figure four with her arms, holding one of the champ’s legs underneath her arm pit. Kris steps over Holly, pulling her onto her stomach and hooking in the Texas Clover Leaf. A move that’s designed to primarily target one’s back. CABOOSE Excellent choice of attack. Go to a hold that continues to work on the back. CANDIE Oh, Caboose, I didn’t even know you were still here. A couple of fans put down their Coke cups, and hot dogs and bang their hands against the steel bleachers to root on Holly-Wood. Holly mutters a few unprintable vulgarities under her breath as she starts to crawl her way to the ropes. To make matters worse the ref is in her face asking her if she wants to tap out. Ned is on the outside, his body a basketball, bouncing up and down while his motor mouth yells orders of “Get to the ropes!” “What do you think I’m trying to do, moron?” She snaps back, pushed to her wit’s end with her celebrity stalker. Krista, getting the feeling that Holly isn’t about to tap out, concludes that she needs to rev up the pain for her ice cold rival. She stands her body up, while holding a very tight grip on Holly’s legs. To the unmatchable amazement of the fans in attendance, those watching at home, the announcers at sofa central, Ned on the outside, and Holly herself, Krista does a backflip, sending her foe, who’s still in the Texas Cloverleaf flipping through the air! SMACK! Holly’s face drills the hard canvas, her hands unable to protect her from the awe inspiring but needlessly brutal move! Chants of “Holy Shit!” are heard loud in clear as the crowd is left wowed by the move Krista, who landed perfectly on her feet, calls Blood On The Dance Floor. COLE Holly’s face just eating the mat! CANDIE Remind me to give a damn! Holly raises her left hand, and for the moment it looks like she just might tap out! The time keeper even prepares to ring the bell as most figure this contest is over. But, Holly clenches her raised hand into a fist, showing a resolve to retain her title, even though momentum, having turned against her, is seeking to carry her away like a tidal wave. Krista is understandably peeved that her foe won’t tap out and abruptly breaks the submission. Holly gets no time to catch her breath however as Krista drops down and hooks on a crippler crossface! COLE This could be it! Double champion! Cole is so very wrong, as Krista’s nifty Blood on The Dance Floor finisher ended up putting Holly way too close to the ropes. She throws her hand forward and grabs a piece of fabric salvation. Being a babyface, Krista is required by wrestling law to give a clean break and she does so without quarrel. Holly stands up feeling like every limb on her body has been subjected to the most cruelest of torture, unthinkable to any reasonably sane human being. CANDIE Hit her with your walker, grandma! Hahahaah! Because they’re old. Krista prepares to end this match once and for all. She hooks her head between Holly’s left arm, grabs a fistful of her tights and tries for a Northern Lights Suplex! Holly, having encountered this move countless times in her training at the OAOAST developmental center, blocks it by going for a tornado DDT! Unfortunately we’ll never know what type of damage the move might have an inflicted as a nettled Krista shoves her off before her head can eat mat! Holly lands on her feet and immediately lunges for her enemy! But Krista sweeps behind her and grabs a sleeper hold! Instead of going for the boring move, the fitness guru lifts Holly up for a sleeper hold drop! However, Holly moves her legs out so that they hook around Krista’s side and pulls her down for an awkward roll up! 1 2 KICK OUT! CANDIE Holly looks like she needs to change her Depends! She’s old. Krista rolls away from Holly, putting some much needed distance between the two. Holly after catching a breather, charges at Krista one more time! It appears the poor girl didn’t learn her lesson from her last foolish rush, but Izzy is more then willing to teach it to her again! She drops to her stomach and hits Holly with a drop toe hold! Ned is sent into a fit of panic as Krista’s drop toe hold sends Holly tumbling through the middle ropes and to the outside! The fun loving fans cheer the champion’s big bump, but the slashing pain in her back and arms prevents her from sharing in their merriment. CANDIE Have a nice trip see you in the fall! Did you break a hip, old woman? She’s thirty years old. Krista, as mentioned before as holding the dubious distinction of being the oldest wrestler on the roster, rolls out of the squared circle. Blanchard starts to come over to help his honey bunny, but is frozen in his tracks by Krista’s piercing “You don’t want none” glare. COLE Do you think Ned and Simon...you know...when they get lonely..and there aren’t any girls around....maybe...you know... COACH No, I don’t know! And no, I don’t want to know! Krista lifts Holly up like she’s about to body slam her onto the floor. That would be devastating enough when one takes into account the fact that hard sand is this week’s substitute for outside mats. But Krista is obedient to her thirst for carnage, and a simple body slam will not quench it. With Holly in tow, she darts towards the steel steps. The fans murmur as they expect her to slam Holly on top of them. Krista promptly shocks them all by smashing Miss Wood’s back into the steel ring post! CANDIE BAM, BABY, THAT’S WHAT I LIKE! CABOOSE That phrase is 2005's “I’m Rick James, Bitch.” At Robinson’s request, Krista pushes a near lifeless Holly back into the ring. The tag team champion follows her in, locking on a grounded full nelson upon reaching her. Holly’s hair across strings itself across her eyes, blocking her face in a mask of red curls. Krista stands her up, with the full nelson still cinched in. Gathering her strength, she starts to drive Holly back down with a full nelson suplex! The wrestling gods smile down on Krista as a strong gust of wind furiously interjects itself into the match, lending force to her suplex, causing Holly to be spiked into the canvas harder then she normally would! Krista bridges it into a pin! 1 2 KICK OUT~! Krista hovers over Holly, tugging at her hair, as the violent wind passes, settling into a cool breeze. Her sweat soaked body glistening under the brilliance of the night sky, Holly makes an effort to fight off Krista with knife edge chops. COACH Candie do chops hurt women? I mean, because they hit your chest, but you got padding there. I suppose it would be kinda like giving Mikey a low blow. Krista’s response to the knife edge chops is just a hard kick to the side of the face. Almost more of a boot scrape then a kick. Whatever you wish to call it, the move puts Holly’s championship reign in peril. If it wasn’t there already. Krista takes her sweet time in pulling Holly into a standing position. When she does, she makes up for lost time by scoring a clubbing forearm to her antagonist’s back! It’s a move designed for a brawler, and doesn’t really fit Krista’s technical style, but the miserable look on Holly’s face shows that it was very effective in accomplishing its task. With Holly facing away from her, Krista applies an inverted face lock. She hooks her tights, then lifts her into air upside down! Once again Ned rallies on Holly, as Krista drops her forward, forcing her to land on her outstretched knee! CABOOSE That’s called a..uh... CANDIE An inverted face lock back breaker. CABOOSE My career is over. Krista, figuring that this match is all but over, drags a limp Holly to the corner. She lifts her up like she’s going for a back drop, but rather then fall backwards, she seats Holly onto the top turnbuckle. Holly’s body faces away from the ring, as Krista slips underneath the ropes and onto the ring apron. The crowd gets to their feet, anticipating an awesome display of aerial showmanship. Krista, prepares to not disappoint, climbing to the top turnbuckle. She softens Holly up with a few quick punches to the head! Holly tethers on the turnbuckle, but Krista keeps her from falling off. Taking a fistful of the champion’s hair, Krista stands herself and her adversary up. Another gust of wind comes whipping by them, nearly causing them to plummet to the floor bellow! Krista starts to lose her balance thanks to the wind, allowing Holly to gain precious seconds of recovery time. Although these seconds were short, they were long enough for Holly to regain her strength. Krista, still maddened by a force she can’t control in the wind, fails to notice that her foe is bringing herself back into the match. The challenger wraps her opponent into a side face lock, like she’s going to sitout DDT her. The fans pop for the possibility of a match ending top rope DDT! COLE What’s going to happen! Holly has something forthcoming that’s far more impressive then any before seen top rope move. She wraps her arms firmly around Krista’s slender waist. Before Izzy even knows what’s going on, Holly starts to take her over with a top rope Northern Lights Suplex! But as Holly begins their descent, she does a backflip, CRUSHING KRISTA with a BACKFLIP NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX OFF THE TOP ROPE! QUADRUPLE C DAY-UM! The crowd erupts, blowing the roof off the entire world! They’re chanting “Holy Shit” so loud, you could probably hear it on Mars. Near by beach goers flock to the area, fighting for a glimpse of what has caused such a riotous commotion. Ned, smiling from ear to ear, jumps about ten feet in the air in joyous celebration! Holly, breathing heavily, reaches back and places her arm across Krista’s chest, knowing that if the move didn’t do it, nothing will. 1 The sounds of the ref hitting the mat can barely be heard over the never ending “Holy Shit” chants. 2 3!!! BUFFER Your winner and still Women’s Champion....HOLLY-WOOD! Holly rolls off of Krista, exhausted after completing a miraculous comeback, and claiming an upset victory of the tag team champion. Blanchard high fives a few fans in the front row, acting like he put forth the same monumentus effort as his “girlfriend.” CANDIE She thinks she’s all bad! But when I have my rematch don’t expect a similar outcome. CABOOSE Holly was a desperate woman. All she has left is a title belt and she’ll do anything to keep it. Its too bad she didn’t give The Saints a chance to taste gold like she did. Outright exhausted, Holly stands up and receives her diamond adorned title from Charles Robinson. Krista uses the ropes to pull herself up. The tag team title holder, not known as the most amiable personality in the OAOAST, walks over to Holly. The audience, still buzzing over the victor’s highlight worthy move, focuses their attention on a possible after match brawl. CANDIE Kill her! Kill her! COLE Which one are you talking to? CANDIE Both. It would seem that no fight is on the horizon. Rather, Krista has extended her hand in respect for the woman who not only withstood her assault, but beat her in the center of the ring. Holly, arches her eye brows, and tilts her head back, not totally sure of what to do. Again Krista thrusts her hand forward, demanding that Holly shake her hand. An awkward pause occurs, Holly still mulling over what to do. Finally, she takes Krista’s hand and shakes it, honoring both herself, her belt and her fellow competitor. The fans clap for the classy move. CANDIE Awwwww! Yuck! Gag me! I wanna vomit. COACH I get down wit a lot of bidness. But, puke ain’t something I play. You can’t shower these hip threads with yesterday’s bowl of Rice Krispies. COLE Because your clothes are expensive? COACH No, because they’re the only pair of pants I own. Dragons ate all my clothes. COLE There are no such things as dragons! CANDIE Sheyeah! Next thing you know, you’ll be saying that gay people aren’t the only ones who get aids. Don’t be dumb. COACH Whatever your feelings on gays -- and 'da Coach loves them -- CABOOSE Oh COME ON!! That writes ITSELF. COACH Well whatev, Booze, 'cause we got a MAIN EVENT comin' up! CABOOSE Poor, poor Drek... COLE The run for the gold is....NEXT!! *commercial*

"Breathe" by Fabolous plays up on the speakers of the "arena". The Mad Cappa walks out of the fitness room in bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a pair of sun shades, a piña colada in one hand, and a cigarette in an another. Boos from the crowd! Cole: "Oh great! Cappa's here to ruin the party!" Caboose: "No, I think Coach is about to!" Cole: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" A spider crawls over the monitors over in Triple C as Coach screams trying to squash it with a hammer, accidentally knocking the headset power off. Cappa makes his way down to the ring as he takes his sweet time while basking in the boos! He blows smoke in front of the ring announcer's face! The ring announcer drops the mic and runs off! Cappa puts the ciggy in his mouth and picks up the mic. He places the colada on the mat and proceeds to do a promo! Cappa: "Hey, hey, hey, what's up people?!" BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! "I see this side of Florida hasn't changed a bit! Still a sleazy, low down, dirty, redneck Florida infested trash receptacle area!" "Asshole" chants come from the crowd as Cappa feigns shock! "WHOA! I just speak da' truth! (Puffs a smoke) MmmmmmmM! Menthol!" Someone from the crowd yells out "Get to the point!" "GET TO THE POINT?! GET TO THE POINT?! WHO SAID THAT?!" The fans all point out to the loudmouth who yelled it out. "You want me to go to the point?! So you can watch other people not named The Mad Cappa come out here to waste your money and time?!" "YOU SUCK!" chants! "Oh I get it! College humor! Here's one thing I can say! STOP WASTING YOUR PARENTS' MONEY! GET A JOB!" BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! "You all will be looking back at this in 5 years down the road when the degree that you get won't mean jack shit! You all will be saying, (in a mocking southern accent) 'Damn! That Cappa guy was right all along! Grr, whuwha!'" BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Besides that point, I want the new General Manager to come down here. So I'm gonna stall some time, maybe make smoke circles or give Cappaology 101!" "Vertigo" by U2 plays up as Josie comes to much fan fare as some drunk fans yell out "Shut him up!" Josie stops at the enterance as she has a mic in her hand. Josie: "Well well well Cappa! Let me re-iterate something to you. NEVER CALL ME OUT! I'M NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT BE PUSHED AROUND!" Cappa: "Stop it with the animosity! I'm asking why did you put me in a joke of a match for the World Heavyweight title tonight when I never had a straight one-on-one match for the belt! It's been almost two years since I debuted. I want a shot damn it, but not like this! Run for the Gold! Pshhh!" Josie: "There are two choices you have. You either take the match or you don't get a chance at the title. Simple as that! I thought you would be thrilled at the chance to get a title shot. Especially since Axel threw you over the top rope to end your dream then. So you better change into something more appropriate for your match! So long!" Josie walks off into the back as Cappa has a look of "What am I going to do?!" At this point, OAOAST officials have fixed up the headset power as Triple C didn't pay attention to the segment at all. Caboose: "Damn it Coach!" Cole: "An another Cappa segment we didn't comment on." Coach: "Oh well, on with the show." Cole: "Well, Cappa better not forget about Axel!" Coach: "I SAID ON WITH THE SHOW." Cole: "Yikes!" The cameras cut to Chris Stevens and Jumbo in the backstage area. STEVENS Man, you know who I hate? Axel. JUMBO Why'd you make me fight your match tonight? STEVENS Him, and that bitch girlfriend of his. JUMBO Come on, Chris, why? You were supposed to fight it. STEVENS We need to show them that we don't like them. JUMBO I mean, you're probably gonna get into trouble with Josie... STEVENS And they're all buddy-buddy with Hoff, now. If we hurt one of them...maybe he'll get the message. JUMBO Hey, good plan. STEVENS Yeah, well, I don't pay you to think. JUMBO You know, I have an M.B.A. from Harvard... STEVENS Silencio! Come on, we got hurting to do. COLE They can't be up to any good! *The camera brings us into the office of HeldDown GM Josie Baker. Josie is sitting at her desk filling out forms when the Grandmaster of Funk himself; The 70s Dude, struts on in while wiping his brow with a towel* 70s Dude I got your note after my match. Something about you wanting to see me, and The Dude always has time for a sexy kitten like yourself. *Josie looks up, cocks an eyebrow, and then a bit of disgust can be seen in her expression over the fat hippy that stands before her desk hitting on her* Josie Yes…I wanted to see you concerning your matches as of late… *The Dude quickly cuts her off* 70s Dude The Dude certainly has been putting on a show huh? I mean you saw me take out that high flying legend Marty Jannety earlier. Josie Riiiiight…as I was saying though, concerning your matches, I think its time for you to step up a notch in your level of competition. 70s Dude Well whatta ya have in mind? Brooklyn Brawler? Josie No 70s Dude Doink the Clown? Josie Not Quite… 70s Dude Kamala? Josie Um…no. I was thinking more along the lines of an OAOAST exclusive. Next week in that very ring it will be The 70s Dude… *The Dude shows a big grin as his name is mentioned* …against Brock Ausstin! *The Dude’s grin quickly turns into a look of shock and fear. The arena shakes in cheers over the announcement they’ve just witnessed via the TitanTron* 70s Dude Whoa, whoa, whoa! The Dude doesn’t mind competing but that man’s nowhere on the level of The Dude. It just wouldn’t be fair to him or the cats in the arena and at home watching for The Dude to go right through him. Now if you want I can get ahold of The Red Rooster and… Josie No, that’s a risk I’m willing to take *Josie flashes a quick smile* Now if you don’t mind I have a lot of work to do leading into next week since it’s the show before Zero Hour, you dig what I’m trying to say? *The 70s Dude gives her a look of frustration and then proceeds to turn around and stomp out of her office. The cameras then turn back to Triple-C at Sofa Central* Coach: Whoa! Do you believe that? Next week is going to be off the hook! Caboose: There’s no way The Dude should have to face Brock Ausstin. What has he done as of late to deserve stepping in the ring with a man the talents of The 70s Dude? Cole: Either way it will be The 70s Dude vs. Brock Ausstin , next week on HeldDown~! But let's go to our next contest!! "SET IT OFF, SET IT OFF NOW CHILDREN!" The Female Phenom's music hits, and the crowd goes apeshit, as per usual. She jigs out and greets the sea of fans, the sound almost deafening. COLE It never ceases to amaze me how much these fans love Crystal guys! COACH It does amaze me! She MAH BAYABAY GURL~! CABOOSE Oh god, can we please get on with it? You are going to make me chuck. COLE OK, OK Caboose, CRystal is of course preparing to face... COACH Wait! Cole, look! CABOOSE Ha-ha! Crystal continues her trip to the ring, when she is blindsided by none other than Chris Stevens, with Jumbo following close behind! COLE This is an ambush! Crystal falls forward and rolls down the entrance ramp, and Stevens quickly picks her up to her feet again. Stevens and Jumbo grab Crystals arms, and send her for a double Irish Whip... right into the steel steps! COACH Oh my! Why are they doing this? CABOOSE Its a message guys! Axel is a friend of Hoff, Hoff is the sworn enemy of Stevens, so now Stevens and Jumbo have directed their attention to the main person in Axels life - his girl! Brilliant! Stevens orders Jumbo to get Crystal into the ring, and the 300 pounder obliges, throwing the Female Phenom into the squared circle like she's a paperweight. Stevens rolls into the ring and begins stalking the now defenseless former OAOAST Champion, yelling inaudible obscenities at her. He perches in the corner, waiting for his prey to get to her feet, readying for a SuperKick! COLE Oh no! Not this! COACH No Stevens! Don't! Don't do th... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! The arena is suddenly ROCKED by a huge pyro explosion that scares the crap out of Chris Stevens and Jumbo. Suddenly, "Down with the Sickness" begins to blare, and Axel SPRINTS down to the ring! COLE Axel is here, and HE IS PISSED! Axel slides into the ring, where Jumbo greets him. Jumbo tries a right hand, but Axel blocks it, and lands three of his own, before backing up, and knocking the big man down with an uppercut! Chris Stevens attempts to attack Axel from behind, but The Dark One realises this, and turns around to face Stevens at the last moment! Stevens stops mid punch, and gets into negotiating mode, telling Axel not to hurt him. Axel looks around at the crowd, fist cocked, shrugs, and sends Stevens to the mat with a hughe right hand anyway. Jumbo charges at Axel, but Axel ducks under his incoming right, and delivers a 300 POUND SPINEBUSTAH~! Chris Stevens tries the same thing, but ends up with the same fate, being driven into the mat for a SPINEBUSTAH~! as well! COACH Do we say that was twice as good as Hoff's Axel picks Jumbo to his feet to continue the dismantling, and in a feat of stength not usually seen by The Dark One, Axel lifts Jumbo over his shoulder, and into a Tombstone position! COLE My god, what strength! Axel looks at the crowd once again, jumps... DARK ROYALTY! CABOOSE This is terrible! Referees, stop this man! Jumbo rolls out of the ring on impact, leaving Chris Stevens in the ring, struggling to get up from the impact of that last Spinebuster. Axel stalks Stevens ala The Rock, just like he did to Jumbo earlier. Stevens finally gets up, facing away from Axel, with a happy look on his face, thinking that his attacker had left the ring. He is soon brought back to reality however, as Axel picks him up from behind in a Burning Hammer Position! COLE He doesn't hit these often nowadays, but when he does, you know he hates the guy! Axel steadies... AXEL SLAM! COLE That shook the ring! COACH What, you're so stuck for ideas that you steal Dames' EWR commentary? "Down with the Sickness” begins straight after the impact of the Axel Slam, with Jumbo pulling Stevens out of the ring, and retreating up the ramp. Axel stares a hole in the two men, who now know the extent of his wrath. Axel then turns to face Crystal, who is now standing in a corner, and who saw the whole thing. Thier eyes meet, a violin begins playing in the background, and they come together in the centre of the ring, with Axel now having earnt back Crystal’s trust. They looks deep into each other’s eyes, lean into eachother, and engage in a passionate kiss, that has the whole male population stiff with excitement, and the females going ‘awwwww!’ COACH awwwwww! CABOOSE Someone give me a paper bag, I think Im going to vomit. Just as the two are engaged in a lengthy embrace, PYRO~! goes off around the ring, as if by magic (the magic of LOVE!) COLE Well what a great story, Axel and Crystal are back together! We’ll be right back! COACH awwwwww! *commercial*

HeldDOWN~! returns with The Lightning Crew and Stephen Joseph Popick heading into the Fitness Club. Suddenly, Tha Puerto Rican screams. “THE CORPORATE CHAMPION” THA PUERTO RICAN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! PR throws chairs all over the room. The LC scream, while Popick stands back, watching Puerto Rican destroy any chair he finds. P.R. throws a chair through a window, steps on another chair, and then punches another. PR CHAIRS! CHAIRS! CHAIRS!!! I CAN’T STAND CHAIRS!!! I HATE CHAIRS!!! I HOPE I NEVER SEE ANOTHER CHAIR AS LONG AS I LIVE!!! COLE Sorry, PRL, but Chairly The Chair Sprite won’t make your wish come true. CABOOSE Wait, what?! COLE Obscure reference. CABOOSE Oh. PR NO MORE CHAIRS! I AM SICK OF USING CHAIRS! I AM SICK OF PANTHER USING CHAIRS! IF HE WANTS TO FIGHT ME, THEN FIGHT ME FACE TO FACE! DON’T HIDE BEHIND A WEAPON! DON’T SHIELD YOURSELF WITH A CHAIR! I WON’T! I’VE HAD ENOUGH CHAIRSHOTS TO LAST A LIFETIME! I’M SICK TO DEATH OF CHAIRS!!! NEXT TIME PANTHER SEES ME, I AM GOING TO MEET HIM FACE TO FACE! I AM GOING TO LOOK HIM IN THE EYES AND KICK ASS CANDY ASS! HE WANTS SOME, THEN HE’LL GET SOME! PANTHER! IF YOU ARE OUT THERE! COME GET ME! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!!! I’M RIGHT HERE! COME AND GET ME! GO FOR IT!!! I WON’T USE A CHAIR! COME ON!!! COME AND GET IT!!! PANTHER P.R.! At this, P.R. jumps up, and grabs a chair, hiding himself behind it. Panther walks into the Fitness Club, but is meant by The Lightning Crew. Panther beats on The LC, with the crowd cheering it. Popick stays out of the way, watching everything. P.R. continues hiding behind a chair, as Panther beats The LC some more. With The LC out of the way, Panther rushes towards PR, grabs a chair, and prepares to hit PRL. Suddenly, security shows up and takes the chair away from Panther, and holds him back. Popick doesn't do anything, he just watches. PANTHER LET ME GO! LET ME GO!!! P.R. laughs evilly as the security guards hold Panther back. P.R. puts his chair down and smiles. PANTHER P.R.! I WANT A MATCH! I WANT A MATCH AGAINST YOU! AND I WANT A MATCH AGAINST YOU...AT ZERO HOUR!!! COLE WHOA! PR Me? You want a match against me? Moi? You want to go one-on-one with the most electrifying man in professional wrestling NOT sports-entertainment? You want to fight the P.R. Menace? You think you can handle "The Corporate Champion"? You honestly think you can layeth the smacketh downeth against me? You want a match against Tha Puerto Rican? Well...YOU GOT IT! COLE WHOA! Panther Vs. Tha Puerto Rican in two weeks at Zero Hour! P.R. Hey, security dudes, maybe it would be a great idea if you take Panther off to jail from now until Zero Hour. That way, he can, even for just a little while, feel the pain that I felt for those 8 long months. Maybe then, he can feel the hell I felt. Maybe then, he can feel the anguish and torment. Maybe then, he can feel REGRET FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME, THROWING ME OUT OF THE LETHAL RUMBLE!!! MAYBE THEN, HE CAN FEEL SAD FOR WHAT HE DID!!! MAYBE THEN, HE CAN REALIZE THAT HE MADE A BIG MISTAKE IN MAKING ME LOSE MY CHANCE AT ACHIEVING MY DREAM!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!! MAYBE THEN, YOU WILL HAVE SHOW SOME HEART YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU THAT I LOST MY CHANCE AT BECOMING WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!! THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!! PANTHER YOU MADE ME LOSE MY CHANCE AT BECOMING CHAMPION!!! YOU ELIMINATED ME FROM THE RUMBLE!!! YOU TOOK AWAY MY CHANCE AT GETTING WHAT I DESERVED!!! PR IF THERE'S ONE THING YOU DESERVE, YOU DESERVE AN ASS WHOOPING FOR BEING A PAIN IN MY ASS!!! YOU BASTARD!!! I CAN'T WAIT TILL ZERO HOUR!!! IF YOU DON'T REGRET WHAT YOU DID, I'LL MAKE YOU REGRET WHAT YOU DID!!! PANTHER PUERTO RICAN, FEBRUARY 27TH, YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH!!! P.R., ZERO HOUR, FEBRUARY 27TH, YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT THERE'S NO RIGHT WAY, THERE'S NO WRONG WAY, THERE'S ONLY PANTHER'S WAY, AND THERE CAN'T BE ANY OTHER WAY!!! PR SCREW YOU!!! Take him away, boys! Panther spits at P.R. as security drags him away. Panther struggles to break free, but can't. P.R. smirks and waves at Panther as he is taken away. P.R. Bah! Stupid Son-Of-A-Bitch. Tha Puerto Rican grabs another chair and throws it down in frustration. The Lightning Crew are all in pain. They are lying on the floor, trying to get up. PRL And what the hell are you people doing lying down? Bunch of lazy candy asses. Get up! Let's go! I can't stand to be in place any longer. Bunch of pieces of trailer park trash are making me sick. Let's go Popick. Tha Puerto Rican and Stephen Joseph Popick leave the Fitness Club, while the other Lightning Crew members moan and groan. They continue struggling to get up. Some of The LC are lying in awkward positions from Panther's attack, and some are shaking their heads from being hit from the chairs PRL threw. Thomas Rodriguez is lying underneath a pile of chairs. THOMAS RODRIGUEZ Help. COLE That is wild! COACH I hear we got some more commotion elsewhere backstage! Let's go! *cut to...um...elsewhere* CRYSTAL Hey, I saw what happened out there. You ok? AXEL I'll be fine, but I know someone that won't be... CAPPA! Axel sees Cappa in the hall, standing about 10 feet away. Cappa sees Axel, and the two men go face to face. AXEL What the *bleep* was that? CAPPA That was a little message. AXEL Oh yeah? You got anymore of those, you give them to me right here, face to face. CAPPA Oh, really? OK, here's one. You eliminating me from the Rumble? That was a mistake. AXEL Ahhh, so that's what this is about, I throw your ass over the top rope, and you decide to stun me while I'm in a match? Real classy Cappa. If you want a piece of me, all you have to do is ask. Anytime. Any place. CAPPA Well I just might do that. But for the moment, I'd better be off, duty calls. AXEL Payback's a bitch Cappa. I've beaten your ass down before, and I can bloody well do it a second time. CAPPA Oh, we'll see about that. Cappa backs away and walks down the hall, and Axel begins to stop him, but Crystal stops Axel from doing anything. CRYSTAL Adam, now isn't the time. And I can sorta understand how he feels, you eliminated me too you know. AXEL Crys... come on, we've been through this. If I could go back and move out of the way, I would, but I can't. I've got to earn your trust back, and I will, any way I can. CRYSTAL Look, we'll talk about this later, I've got a match. AXEL Ok, I'll be watching. CRYSTAL Good. AXEL See you after. CRYSTAL See ya. Crystal and Axel part ways, as we fade out. *to the Sofa we go!* COLE Those two are on a collision course! CABOOSE Axel and Crystal? COLE No! Axel and Cappa! CABOOSE You sure about that? COACH Oh, TAG. COLE Well, hopefully, Axel and Crystal will persevere, and I personally cannot wait for any Axel and Mad Cappa match! Of course, Cappa's in our main event tonight...but here's our next contest! *Colored strobe lights begin to pan the crowd while KC & the Sunshine Band can be heard all along the beach “I'm your boogie man, that's what I am. I'm here to do whatever I can. Be it early morning, late afternoon Or at midnight. It's never too soon”* Coach: Here comes one of the OAOAST’s new up and rising stars, the 70s Dude Caboose: The undefeated 70s Dude for that matter. The man who took out Calvin Szechstein only a few short weeks ago. *The fans boo as the 70s Dude enters the ring and as his music dies down the Ring announcer gets on the mic* Ring Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall. On my right and hailing from Newark, New Jersey…the 70s Duuuuuuuude!, and his opponent… *just then an old rockin’ guitar riff covers the beach causing the fans to get to their feet and cheer* from Columbus, Georgia… Marty Jannetty!!! *Jannetty appears at the top of the ramp and starts doing that running skip he does down to the ring. He high 5s the hands of some fans sitting at front row and then slides into the ring and pops back to his feet while the fans continue cheering* Cole: Marty Jannetty is a tough man wrestling in the condition he’s in tonight Coach: What are you talking about? Cole: Well I was hanging around outside the men’s restrooms today and I saw Marty come out. He had a major case of the sniffles and his eyes were watering a tad too. Its obvious he’s going into that ring tonight with some type of illness. *Coach and Caboose look at one another and then both shake their heads in dismay. The music dies down and as the ring announcer steps out of the ring the time keeper sounds the bell.* Cole: And we’re under way! The 70s Dude and Marty Jannetty are circling one another trying to feel the other out. Caboose: Watch your mouth, the FCC could be reading this! *The Dude and Marty lock-up. The Dude comes out of it in control with Marty in an arm wringer. The Dude tries to spin Marty’s arm over once but Marty reverses it and as he does that The Dude reverses him and Irish Whips him into the ropes. Marty bounces off and The Dude greets him with a reverse elbow right to the jaw sending Marty down to the mat. The Dude begins to lay in a couple of stomp-style kicks. Before Marty can get off the mat The Dude drops to his knees and puts a chinlock on Marty* Coach: The Dude seems to have come out tonight with a little fire in his belly and is showing us all his aggressive side. Caboose: This isn’t going to take long. Might as well get the commercials ready to go soon. *just as Caboose says that, Marty starts to pound the mat with his foot getting the fans to cheer some life back into him. Marty feeds off the energy and is able to get to his feet with the hold still on him. He then sends an elbow into the mid-section of the Dude, followed by another which loosens the hold. Marty uses the moment to push The Dude into the ropes. The Dude bounces off and comes back at Marty taking him down with a shoulder block. As Marty gets to his knees the Dude runs off the ropes again, but Marty falls flat on his stomach and the Dude skips over him. Marty gets to his feet as the Dude bounces off the other side. The Dude rushes towards Marty again but this time Marty leap-frogs over him and while the Dude continues on and hits the ropes again, Marty runs and bounces off the opposite rope. The two men meet in the middle of the ring with Marty delivering a flying forarm to the Dude’s forhead.* Cole: It seems that Marty is in the driver’s side seat now! *The fans start to chant “Marty” as the Dude slowly gets to his feet. The Dude swings at Marty with a right, but Marty ducks it and locks his arms around the waist of the Dude and lifts him landing an Inverted Atomic Drop. The Dude lands hard and hops about a bit favoring his “mid-section” and as he turns towards Marty again he gets hit with a standing dropkick causing him to fall and roll out of the ring.* Cole: These fans are going crazy Caboose: This is all a part of the Dude’s plan. He’s just placing Jannetty into a false state of confidence. Coach: It looks more to me like he’s getting his tail kicked Caboose: And that’s why I’m here. To explain to the idiots like you what a wrestler’s strategy really is at points. *The Dude starts to slowly get up with his right fist clenched. As he does this Marty looks out at the crowd and then points towards the Dude. The fans go nuts and its then that Marty decides to try and put this one away. He sends himself off the ropes and then runs at the Dude for a suicide dive. The Dude however notices and as Marty makes his way through the 2nd and 3rd ropes the Dude throws a fistful of sand into his face and then falls back ducking the maneuver and causing Marty to hit hard head first into the barricade separating the fans from the action.* Coach: He just blinded Marty with some of that sand! Caboose: He used his surroundings to his advantage. The 70s Dude is always 6 steps ahead of his opponent. It was just smart wrestling. Coach: Throwing sand into your opponent’s eyes is NOT wrestling. Caboose: If you don’t like it then take it up with the GM. It was her idea to have this event outside *As the commentators continue to argue the 70s Dude gets to his feet and walks over to Marty who still lays strewn on the ground clutching at his face. The ref who is now on the outside to check on Marty and see if he can continue gets shoved away lightly by the Dude. The Dude brings Jannetty to his feet and out of desperation Marty swings blindly at the Dude. The Dude as Marty did once before, ducks the punch and uses this opportunity to grab Marty in a fireman’s carry.* Coach: Not on the beach! *Marty tries desperately to wriggle his way out… Cole: This could end the man’s career right here! …but his attempts prove futile and The 70s Dude sends him down hard into the scorching sand with a Draft Dodger* Coach: The 70s Dude has no disregard for anybody. Caboose: That’s what makes the man a winner. Something you’ll never understand! *The Dude gets up to his feet and a paper cup flies out of the audience and strikes him in the head. He ignores it though and picks Marty up by the hair. Marty’s face is covered in sand and small scratches from the friction of the sand. The Dude rolls him back into the ring and then follows. After getting back in The Dude drags Marty into the middle of the ring and looks out at the crowd.* Cole: What is he doing? *The Dude points from side to side while crossing and uncrossing his arms quickly* Caboose: I think we’re about to see it! *The Dude bounces off one side of the ring and skips over the motionless Jannetty* Caboose: The funkiest move today! *The Dude then bounces off the other side of the ring and stops right as he gets back to where Marty is. From there he begins doing the Robot Dance* Caboose: The Dirty Hippy’s Elbow! *Just as Caboose says that the Dude drops a lazy elbow into the sternum of Jannetty and from there proceeds to cover him* 1! 2! 3! *the bell sounds, the fans boo and throw junk towards the ring and the Ring Announcer states that the Dude is the victor. KC & the Sunshine band once again fills the beach while the Dude stands and does the Hustle. All the while the ref checks on Jannetty who lays still covered in sand and hardly moving* Coach: You’ve got to be kidding me *Caboose tries to dance along to the music but he has no rhythm* COLE I understand Josh Matthews has caught up backstage with the New New Midnight Express. Let's go to Josh. We cut backstage, the picture a bit shaky because Josh and the cameraman are running after Sarcastic Simon and Narcissistic Ned. We walk past several local employes and production crew members before Josh finally catches up with the New New Midnight Express and sticks the mircophone in their faces. JOSH Gentlemen, if I may-- SIMON No, you may not. JOSH Guys, please. Narcissistic Ned Blanchard, what is your relationship with the OAOAST Women's Champion Holly-Wood? NED It's pretty clear, don't you think, Josh? We're going steady. HOLLY (Off screen) LIAR! The men whip their heads around and see Holly-Wood storming their way. HOLLY I don't know who the hell you think you are... NED Your boyfriend. HOLLY Oh, no, you're not. I don't even know you. Hell, we've never even been on a date. NED Baby, don’t you remember our Valentine’s Day date? We went to the Lacoste store on Rodeo and I wanted to get that red shirt, but you said I’d be better off getting lime green, but I said its my money and I can do whatever the hell I please. You got major pissed off, and started talking about how I never listen to you anymore. I had to buy you dinner at Spagos just to make up for it. If you don’t remember my Mastercard bill might jog your memory! SIMON Dinner at a 5 Star restaurant: 95 dollars. Shirt and matching skirt from Neiman Marcus: Three hundred Seventy Five dollars. Deluxe Room at the Beverly Hills hotel: Four hundred thirty five dollars. Swapping bodily fluids with a natural redhead: Priceless. HOLLY (ignoring Simon) What is your deal, Ned? You’re delusional. You and I have nothing. Got that? Nothing. SIMON Drama, drama, drama. This is better then The O.C. NED So true. Just like my love for you, Holly. SIMON Now if only we can get Alix and Krista to kiss. I mean, we can take them...in a match, that is. Then the gold would finally be around our waists once more. NED Holly, my sweet apple of love, not a minute goes by when I don't think about you. I know you've had a bad couple of weeks and you've been kinda moody lately, but I understand you're in that time of the month. Holly SLAPS Ned. He laughs, rubbing his left cheek. HOLLY Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just in that time of the month, you know? NED Mmm. I love it when you're rough. Josh holds his hand against his ear, apparently receiving information through his earpiece. JOSH Guys, I hate to breakup this epsiode of Dr. Phil, but I've just been informed that a new match has been signed for Zero Hour Februrary 27th live on pay-per-view. It'll be 6-Person tag team action -- The Saints and Jim Cornette vs. yourselves and Holly-Wood. Holly tilts her head back, hands on hips. Narcissistic Ned and Sarcastic Simon look at each other, big smiles on their faces. SIMON Well, Jimmy did plan on humiliating us in the Anderson Cup Finals, but there seems to be a change in plans. NED Synth, Logan, and you little jerk, Jim Cornette, Simon, my girlfriend-- HOLLY I told you: I'm not your girlfriend! NED I love it when you play hard to get. Such a turn-on. I'm hard right now. But to finish off my I was saying -- and I'll finish off on you later tonight, my lover -- Simon, the OAOAST's #1 hottie Holly-Wood and her Neddy Bear have four words for you: Payback's a bitch! Narcissistic Ned wraps his arm around Holly, who quickly pushes him away, leaving on her own. Ned blows her a kiss and leaves with Sarcastic Simon. CABOOSE (laughs) Luckily Josh is engaged. Sorry, Cole. Otherwise he'd be left in a trail of dust. COLE And catch our network's new western-set teen drama, "Dusty Travails!" *ad for the new show*