The Ill One

...Whoa, whoa, wait? Who's Deep Throat? Who's Ghost Machine 2.0?

The Insane Luchador, Andrew Rickmen, briskly walks through the chaotic backstage maze of the Rose Garden. SWF crew employees scramble about their business while Luchador has to fight against the current in an impatient manner. He had forgotten how overwhelming the musky, lingering arena scent can be and the numerous workers that run about like cockroaches scattering from light. He slows down as he sees a gold nameplate on the door that reads “Joseph Peters.” He gives two brief knocks on the door and gets a grunt in reply. He takes a deep breath and releases a heavy sigh as he opens the door. “Insane Luchador!” Peters says as he stands up in feigned joy. IL stands in the doorway, motionless, as Joseph waves him in. “Oh come on in, I won’t bite.” He slowly walks in and shuts the door behind him. He approaches Peters and stands next to the chair in front of the boss’ desk. He looks down at the chair and then back up in Peters hoping to signal to keep it brief. Peters sits back down and leans back in his plush leather swivel chair. “What brings you here?” “You scheduled me for an appointment,” Luchador says. Peters glances down at his cluttered desk and his hand swipes across to send papers everywhere. He looks down at the calendar buried underneath the mundane paperwork and he looks back up. “I’m sorry. I don’t have you penciled in…” “My name isn’t Insane Luchador,” IL says in disbelief as he hovers over the calendar, “I am Andrew Rickmen.” He points down to his name that’s even circled in red. Joseph slowly looks up in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, so you are. We haven’t met before…” His voice trails off. “So can I call you Andy?” “No.” “Alright, well, how’s the return been?” “Fine, but why the hell does everyone think I’m dead?” He asks. Peters blushes and he shuffles around papers uncomfortably. “Wow, those crazy tabloids, you know? Anyway, I called you in here to see what your plans are?” He shrugs. “Okay, well, I know you’ve just expressed an interest in the Ultraviolent Division,” Joseph says. “Blank,” IL snaps. Peters is taken aback from his reaction and pauses. “What is?” Insane Luchador slowly blinks his eyes and grunts, “Bruce Blank.” Peters is still lost. “Okay, what about him?” “I want a shot at Bruce Blank!” “Oh, the Ultraviolent Title? Well Ghost Machine 2.0 could win it, you know, don’t count that mystery machine out,” Peters says with a fake laugh. “No, I want a shot at Bruce Blank!” Insane Luchador raises his voice in a prelude to a tirade. “Well his comments were pretty harsh on Aftershox,” Peters in mutters reference to Bruce’s throwaway comments towards IL. IL doesn’t pay any attention and he props his arms on Peters’ desk before leaning in. “I want to see Bruce Blank bleed, okay? I want to see him hit the canvas just to twitch in agony. I want to see his mangled body in a pool of his own blood, I want to see that desperate crawl in a futile escape, and I want him know the true meaning of Ultraviolence,” he growls. Peters slightly gulps and nervously laughs. “Fair enough… but the man did just have a chunk of his ear blown right off, incredible ratings.” Insane Luchador stares right into Peters’ eyes as a smile slowly creeps up on his face. “No, that’s not what I need either, because he won’t find salvation in a bomb on a timer.” “That’s what you call salvation?” Peters asks in disbelief. He pauses and awkwardly asks, “So a resurrection angle isn’t your interest?” A growl. Joseph quickly nods. “Fair enough, uh, I’ll look into that, uh, kill Bruce Blank thing. Oh yeah, my secretary left you a post-it note…” He hands it over to Luchador. He glances down at it- If you still go out for Black Mists with Flesher then say hello for me. Joseph Peters chuckles. “I think she’s just trying to get a feel for the whole roster, you know, build some working relationships?” Insane Luchador glances up with a smirk and turns around to walk over to the door. He grabs the handle and pauses to turn and say, “Nice to meet you.” “Same,” Peters yells out as IL slams the door shut. “Wow, ca-razy… that can bring in some serious ratings,” he mumbles.

I second the fact that Flesher and Davenport make for some great exchange. "Thinking fast, Tom replies, “Allison. She gave me quite a workout.” “Oh, ho, ho! I understand how that is…” “… so what are you training for?”" Classic.

Wow, this may be one of the best show cards in a while. Plus it's definitely one of the most "pimped out" ones too.

Sweet, sweet timekillers. SWF Favorite Writer(s)? Favorite Match(es)? Favorite Promo(s)? Favorite Character(s)? Favorite Spot(s)? Favorite Move Names? Favorite Stipulation(s)? Least Favorite Stipulation(s)? Favorite Match(es) and Promo(s) (Written by you)? Dream Matches? Dream Angles? Funny Moment(s)? Fondest Memories? Any Regrets? I've became most friendly with...? Wrestling Favorite Federation? Favorite Worker? Least Favorite Worker? Favorite Match(es)? Favorite Stipulation? Dream Matches? If I worked for a company it'd be... My style of wrestling would be... Face or heel? Dream Matches (that includes you)? Personal Name? Age? Single? Biggest Turn On? Biggest Turn Off? Religious? Favorite book(s)? Favorite movie(s)? Favorite actor/actress? Favorite bands? Favorite song(s)? Most Recent Accomplishment? Most Recent Failure? My biggest flaw... I like my... Future Goal(s)? Do you write outside the SWF (if so, what do you write)? Heroes? I would love to meet... Hardest moment of my life... Greatest moment of my life... Would you want to be famous? Favorite swear word? Favorite food? What would you want God to say if you want to Heaven? What would you want the Devil to say if you were in Hell?

I forgot about the staged flame wars. That thread had me shocked and I remember rambling to King until he finally told me it was a hoax, then I read the post. That was great.

Next week's episode looks packed. Things are beginning to pick up and the end of this episode must've been awkward moment for Vic and Kavanaugh.

You missed out that when the officer asks the neighbor if she dealt drugs she gets very offended and says- "I'm a prostitute."

Wait, what was the story of you getting lost at sea?

Even Galatea can't get enough Galatea. I hope his journey to find Thor has treated him well.

Neilsen of the Jungle. An older WFer.

SWF Favorite Writer(s)? -Flesher, Edwin, Nekura, WC, Taylor, and Toxxic Favorite Match(es)? -Edwin vs Raynor at Genesis III is my absolute favorite. There's a slew of others that are a bit behind that match. Favorite Promo(s)? -I have a soft spot for most of wrestler's leaving promos and P.O.O.F.N.A.R Favorite Character(s)? -Spider Nekura, King (heel version), and Edwin. Favorite Spot(s)? -Edwin going through the glass I at Genesis III, Renegade hittin' his finisher on CIA in the Hell in a Swimming Pool, Neilsen and Comet plunging off the HIAC via Russian Legsweep, and DiaB's weedwhacker spot. Favorite Move Names? -I have no clue why I included this. I'm not sure. Favorite Stipulation(s)? -Anything hardcore. I adored Times Square Brawl, All Show Ironman versus Toxxic (despite losing), Motor City Rumble, and Mall Brawl. I love to read most stipulations. Least Favorite Stipulation(s)? -One time I was booked in a five-way match. That was a complete bitch to write. Favorite Match(es) and Promo(s) (Written by you)? -Not sure about matches but I had fun writing some. The only promos of mine I still like was Confrontation (IL and Edwin talking), Dillon's original leaving, and IL's Afghanistan Adventures. Dream Matches? -MacPhisto vs Kibs vs Raynor vs Wilson, Fallout vs Toxxic, NoTJ vs Bruce Blank, and I always wished I could have written against Grimedogg in a competitive match. (One time I got to when he wanted to make a return but didn't show). Dream Angles? -In the ML I would talk to Nekura a lot... plus I was a huge Clan mark. So I always wished I had a brief run in the Clan. Also Renegade versus IL never really worked out. Funny Moment(s)? -My favorite would have to be poor Thoth's "penis signature" debacle in the chatroom. Fondest Memories? -The only time I got a true "fuzzy, warm" feeling was when I won the SJL World Title at Countdown to Genesis and I read the comments thread. Any Regrets? -A lot, actually. Bailing out multiple times (including IL's "death" and when the JL was ruled by hardcore), subjecting everyone to my "Dude, I'm so ____", and the various no-showing along the way, recently what I did to Toxxic (sorry man). I've became most friendly with...? -Renegade Wrestling Favorite Federation? -Shit, I'm not sure. Depends on my mood- CZW is my guilty pleasure, RoH and AJPW churn out the goodness, but crusier WCW may take the cake. Favorite Worker(s)? -Benoit, Nick Mondo, Kobashi, Samoa Joe, J.C. Bailey, Kawada, Steamboat, and Jack Evans. Least Favorite Worker? -I'm not sure... I've never liked Undertaker or Ultimate Warrior. Favorite Match(es)? -By fed(in no order): NOAH: Kawada vs Misawa (Haven't seen enough NOAH as I wish) RoH: Jay Brisco vs Mark Brisco (Honor Invades Boston), Samoa Joe vs Kobashi, Daniels vs Danielson vs Low Ki CZW: Nick Mondo vs John Zandig (2 out of 3 lighttube cabins), Cage of Death 6, Mondo vs Wifebeater (TOD 1 finals), J.C. Bailey vs Ric Blade(Barbed Wire Ladder) WCW: Eddie vs Rey (Title versus Mask), Liger vs Pillman, Mysterio, Juventud, Garza vs Psicosis, Silver King, La Parka, Dean Malenko vs Ultimo Dragon ('96 Title Unification Match) WWE/WWF: Bret vs Owen (WM X), Hart vs Austin (Submission), Benoit vs Angle (Royal Rumble '03), and Steamboat vs Savage (WM III) AJPW: Let's say (for sake of simplicity) majority of Kawada/Misawa/Kobashi in their various combinations and matches. Tsuruta vs Kobashi, Misawa, Taue vs Akyama, Kobashi NJPW: Ultimo Dragon vs The Great Sasuke, Liger vs Owen Hart, Benoit vs Ohtani, Ultimo Dragon vs Liger Favorite Stipulation? -I'm not sure. I've enjoyed the lighttube matches but sometimes a single match is best. Dream Matches? -There's some floatin' around in my mind that aren't coming to me. If I worked for a company it'd be... -Shit, I'm not sure. Everyone always says CZW is like a family or RoH would be cool. My style of wrestling would be... I'm not sure because it's kind of hard to say I'd be able to work deathmatches. But either hardcore or junior heavyweight Face or heel? -Face Dream Matches (that includes you)? -It'd be an honor to have Misawa, Kawada, Taue, or Kobashi stiff me to near death or face Liger (covers Puro). Otherwise it'd be Nick Mondo, Jack Evans, Samoa Joe, J.C. Bailey, Jay Brisco, and Rey Mysterio Jr. Personal Name? -Andrew Age? -17 Single? -To quote Mitch Hedberg, "I don't have a girlfriend... but I do know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that." Biggest Turn On? -Course decent face and body but good eyes, good sense of humor, open minded, and easy going. Biggest Turn Off? -Girls who are too into themselves and the ones who just seem like a future stalker. Religious? -Nope, I switch back-and-forth from agnostic (atheist on a bad day) to Deist. Favorite book(s)? -Cathedral, Fight Club, American Gods, and (this is cheating) Poe's short stories. Favorite movie(s)? -This is Spinal Tap, Pulp Fiction, The Godfather, Fight Club, Blazing Saddles, I (Heart) Huckabees, and Anchorman: Legend of Ron Burgundy (stupidity can be funny). Favorite actor/actress? -Eh, I'm not sure. Favorite bands? -Bruce Springsteen, Led Zeppelin, Operation Ivy, Bob Dylan, Nirvana, Dropkick Murphys, older Offspring, and a few others rotate for my favorites. Favorite song(s)? -In no particular order- "Jungleland" Bruce Springsteen, "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You" Led Zeppelin, "House of the Rising Sun" The Animals, "Like A Rolling Stone" Bob Dylan, "Backstreets" Bruce Springsteen, and Nirvana's cover of "Where Did You Sleep Last Night." There's actually way too many, come to think of it. Most Recent Accomplishment? -I've gotten my act back together within the last six months or so. Most Recent Failure? -Blew off a school project due to disinterest. O' course I'll be seeing the effects in my grade. My biggest flaw... My temper or making small issues become huge problems. I like my... Eyes. Future Goal(s)? -Community College (save money and raise up a damaged GPA) for two years to transfer over to Iowa University for it's English department. Then take the Writer's Workshop offered there and see what happens. Do you write outside the SWF (if so, what do you write)? -Yes, I write fiction (usually short stories). It's a lot better than my writing for the federation, I swear. Heroes? -Nah, I've never idolized somebody. I respect a lot of people throughout history but nothing near "hero." I would love to meet... -I don't know. Hitchcock, Poe (just to see how twisted he really was), Jefferson, Mitch Hedberg, and (to throw in the wrestling aspect) meeting Nick Mondo would be cool. Hardest moment of my life... -7th grade I found out my (then favorite) Uncle died and it was my first death to deal with. Plus he was a young mofo' so it was a complete shocker. Greatest moment of my life... -Not sure, to be honest. Would you want to be famous? -Probably not. Favorite swear word? -Probably fuck because it can be used in so many ways. Favorite food? -Eh, probably potatoes (in their many forms). I forgot favorite drink but Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper has grown on me. What would you want God to say if you want to Heaven? -"Wait, what?" What would you want the Devil to say if you were in Hell? -"Way to go, asshole."

Well, how about that. I actually reposted the list. It's just as absurd as I remember and there's legitimate stips that aren't listed. This is for entertainment purposes (though the moped match must happened someday)- http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/index.php?...topic=12659&hl=

I tried to search through it and couldn't find it. It had the basics from like Battle Royal to Lighttube Cabins to Death Island (thumbtacks surround the ring, barbed wire ropes, and broken glass in the ring)... so just some bizarre shit. But my search wasn't very thorough, I don't remember when Payne bailed though. Anyway I'm just glad to see the deathmatch stips (~!) back.

The Main Event - SWF World Heavyweight Championship Match El Luchadore Magnifico © vs. JJ Johnson ~Man, who knows? But JJ Johnson winning would make me mark hard. It can go either way but I got faith in JJ. -=-=-THE CLUSTERFUCK-=-=- 1. Spike Jenkins 7. Ghost Machine V. 2.0 10. Todd Cortez 15. Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix 18. Zyon 19. TORU ~The tricky part about guessing this is who actually writes. For example, if Davenport wrote then he has a great chance. But I tried to narrow it down to who I think will show. Now I'd cream myself with GM 2.0 pulling it off but I'm thinking Maddix or TORU. I'm not sure, this is a bitch to predict. SWF International Championship Match Jay Hawke © vs. Wildchild ~Joygasmic. I can definitely see WC pullin' it off. SWF Ultraviolent Championship Match - Japanese Deathmatch - Best of Five Bruce Blank © vs. "The Divine Wind" Akira Kaibatsu ~Now here's a stipulation to end a series. I'll go with Blank for the win but you never know. Singles Match Michael Cross vs. Ced Ordonez ~'06 is the Year of the Ordonez! Additional Clusterfuck Match Predictions: How many will actually turn in a match? I'd say six. Who will be the MVP of the Clusterfuck? (You know, the guy that lasts almost the whole match but doesn't end up winning.) ~Zyon or Spike gettin' so close, but so far.

Does anybody remember that huge list of a hundred something stipulations that Payne would post? It had some of the most stupid, crazy shit on it... Not -quite- the topic but close enough since it's a trip down memory lane.

Even though I lost that match I adored writing it. The Motor City Rumble (IL versus Dace inside a car factory) was a lot of fun to write too. My favorite stipulation hasn't been done yet but someday might be (foreshadowing~!).

Man it's crazy to think how far the Clan has developed- when it first came about in the ML and G addressed the fact that it was a bunch of white guys dressed in hooded robes. Anyway it's even better to begin to learn the history and to piece together everything revolving 'round the Clan. So I second Hawke, this is getting good.

MAIN EVENT El Luchadore Magnifico© and Kevin Coyote vs. Todd Cortez and JJ Johnson ~A nice match up but I'm going with Cortez and JJ. INTERNATIONAL TITLE MATCH NON LADDER MATCH Jay Hawke© vs. "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins ~Hawke but I'm not counting Spike out. Best of 5 Ultraviolent Matches "Agony of Defeat" Bruce Blank© vs. Akira Kaibatsu ~Akira, because it'd defy wrestling logic not to go into sudden death at the CF match. But keep in mind this whole "logic" thing is coming from a guy who's no selling death in order to return. Wes Davenport vs. Wildchild ~Both are great writers but I'll say Davenport. TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH????? TKO(?)© vs. Landon Maddix and "The Icon" Max King ~I don't know because ??? man can either be great or disappoint. So I'm not sure. Zyon vs. Matt "The Cosplay Master" Myers ~Zyon. BATTLE ROYAL! Jason 'The Rage' von Dierch vs. Manson vs. Labertino vs. Christian Fury vs. Stryke ~This could go a lot of ways but I'm a Fury mark. OPENING MATCH OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! Ghost Machine 2.0 vs. The Crimson Skull ~Joygasm.

I was hoping that Doomsday would be a reoccuring problem for the Strike Team. Then it becomes another issue because of the pressure for the Strike Team to redeem themselves with that arrest. But that's nothing big. I'm wondering if Lem will use this for leverage or maybe try to screw Vic over again. But after admitting it to him I doubt he'd try to cooperate again. I agree with JasonX and hope they make sure Terry causes Lem and Ronnie to team up on him because it'd just get that much more interesting.

I think they said two and a half years on the show. I'm not sure.

"What's he going to do with them? Put them on a pike?"

The Big Show vs Rey and London in a handicap match has me ready to murder somebody. Everytime I get near a win Show runs out of gas and the two just keep hitting move after move in center of the ring 'til I lose to a punch or something else that frustrating.

Did anybody else hear giggling or laughter after that table spot?

Oh yes, it's back... with more stupidity than ever! -- The Insane Luchador, Andrew Rickmen, impatiently rocks on his feet while swinging his arms around like a little kid on a white cloud just at the massive, pearly white gates of Heaven. The great Saint Peter stands in front of the gates at a wooden podium above a neon ticker that corresponds with the ticket’s numbers the hopefuls receive upon arrival. He stands among the throngs of people seeking eternal salvation who all stand in complete silence. Feedback from a microphone goes off followed by a mumbled swear. “Now serving 667… that’s 667…” Saint Peter’s loud voice echoes in the Heavens as the ticker above him slowly turns. The crowd groans as Insane Luchador fishes into his pocket and sees the paper ticket of 667. He gives a little smirk before pushing his way through the crowd and right in front of the podium. The Saint glances up from his giant, weathered book before looking back up again. He sighs and asks in a monotone, “Name?” “Andrew Rickmen,” IL simply says as he tries to look past the gates. “Rickman?” He asks the deceased Luchador. “No, Rickmen.” “That’s a fucked up name,” Peter laughs as he flips through the pages. “Here we go, Andrew Rickmen.” Andrew glances back at the restless group who stares and as he looks back he sees the Saint staring. “…Go to Hell.” “What?” “You heard me, go to Hell. Literally, go,” Peter says as he goes to reach underneath the podium. “Oh, wait, no. I’m arguing my death,” IL quickly says. The Saint sighs and laughs as he shuts the leather book shut. “Oh good, because I’m sick of the people who repent at the last second as if it counts then comes here in shock.” “No man, I’m a complete heathen,” he reassures. “That’s good. So why are you contesting your death?” He asks. Insane Luchador rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I’m not happy about it.” He shrugs and looks up at the Saint to see the reaction. “Well usually you have to more convincing… but alright, do you have any unfinished business?” Peter asks. “Says here you were in Purgatory for nearly six months, didn’t the elevator music drive you crazy… uh, crazier?” “Yes, same damn Cosby tune on loop. But, uh, I never won the SWF World Title,” IL says. “I still have a lot of hatred, rage, and violence left in me, you know?” He slowly nods in response to the former superstar. “Okay, hope springs eternal but I’m not the miracle creator.” He insults. “You’re dumb enough to follow a map of treasure to Afghanistan… that was simply a paper that said ‘Afghanistan and Treasure.’ We don’t redeem the slower ones.” He stops and judges Luchador’s reaction. “Or the crazy.” “Doesn’t God love every child?” Luchador skeptically asks. “Actually we are Catholic, so not at all. God hates a lot of his children. A lot. But he is a softie at heart…” “…Oh,” IL says with a depressing tone. “So, uh, can I do anything to be back alive?” Peter shakes his head from side-to-side. “Okay, here we go- were you buried?” Luchador thinks it over. “No.” He muses over the thought and asks, “Never had a funeral?” “No… wait, shit, why didn’t I have a funeral?” Luchador touchily snaps. He shakes it off though and reaches into his pocket for a cigarette. “There’s no smoking here… anyway, no burial makes this whole ‘resurrection’ thing easier. Alright, so you could conceivably come back into the world and act as if it was all an act?” “I did it once,” IL says in reference to a long, long time ago when wrestlers could easily be murderers. “…Right… well God frowns upon that whole ‘slaughtering’ thing, so you might want to keep that in mind,” he replies. “Do you still have a soul?” “I’m not sure.” “Perfect.” He stops and glances behind the gates. A loud, triumphant trumpet rings clear and shakes the skies. “Fuckin’ a, Happy Hour Friday… alright, I’m going to make this quick- go down to Hell, seek out Lucifer, and earn it back.” Insane Luchador flinches at the sound of it but nods. “How do I get there?” Peter turns around and waves his hand behind him in apathy before snapping his fingers and pointing downward. Suddenly the Insane Luchador is engulfed in darkness as he plummets into the abyss. His fall is broken by an uncomfortable rug and he splats against it, bounces up, and undoubtedly getting some vicious rug burn. He gets to his knees and lifts his head up to see himself inside a cramped receptionist’s office. He stands up and rubs his hands on his shirt as he notices an uncomfortably humid room. “Is this Hell?” IL slowly asks. He looks around at the plastic chairs, out of date magazines, Bee Gee’s greatest hits on loop, and gets a whiff of the stale room’s smell. He carefully approaches the office behind thin Plexiglas with the secretary gigantic chair turned behind him. He taps on it and the swivel chair whirls around. Luchador can’t believe his eyes. “Dace? Holy shit man, is that you?” “Rickmen!” Night proclaims as he looks up in surprise. “I heard about you dying man!” “…I didn’t know you were dead.” IL says in embarrassment. Dace laughs. “I’m not. Aecas hooked me up with this night job. I worked in landscaping for a little bit but some bugger skimped my paycheck and I carved him up with my weed whacker.” “Right on,” Luchador laughs. “Uh, I need to go see Lucifer?” Dace shrugs. “Go on in man,” he says as he points to the door. “Hey man, maybe later, we could go snag a drink? All we have is High Life though…” Luchador gags. “Man, we are in Hell,” Night reminds him. “Yeah, true. Alright, later,” he says as he plows through the door. He steps into a chilly, pitch black room and suddenly is bombarded by a low, booming voice- “Are you Andrew Rickmen?” “Yeah, that’s me,” he replies as he blindly reaches his hands around. “Are your nipples erect?” “…What? Uh, it is cold in here.” “Good!” “This is really, really awkward.” “You wish to seek the almighty Prince of Darkness and work for my hierarchy of Pandemonium?” “…Do I get to live again?” “Yes.” “That’s all I want. Just a resurrection.” “Then we shall proceed. But you must earn your celestial body, you must earn your chance at my redemption. You must complete tasks for me.” “Sure.” “You have to be my errand boy.” “Got it.” “My bitch.” Insane Luchador stops in silence and shakes his head in disbelief. “Alright, whatever it takes man.” “You must prove yourself worthy. You are going to complete twelve tasks for me… and we shall call these-” Insane Luchador waits in anticipation. “The Twelve Labors of Luchador.” --