The Ill One

I'd also like to point out that I'm not being defensive but tryin' to generate some conversation.

All part of the plan.

Well, he's shooting straight and like he said, he's not really threatening him (to IL, at least) much as trying hard to persuade him... plus he's just going to do his best to get into his opponent's head if he feels the need. But, eh, this one might have been pushin' it. So did you not like it or was it just a mixed message? Edit: Plus, I'm figurin' it's more about the crowd reaction in the ring. Edit Two: Actually, re-reading it I maintain Luchador's just trying to plant that seed of doubt, he just happens to be going about it in a dickish, personal way.

Alright, so I'm going to try to jump start a lil' discussion of the show since it seems to be a pretty good one. I'll more or less just throw out some thoughts and, in hopes to get you egotistical bastards to respond , maybe even toss out a few questions to people if they cross my mind. I mean, really, why the hell do we do this if nobody is a) reading it or b) just not commenting on it? I'm hoping it's the latter so here's an attempt to see what we can get goin'. Don't make me bust out the Fuvolution and try to get Thoth to get the bus, god damn it~! -- JJ Johnson returns... well, Dr. Pirata debuts... I mean, technically it is JJ's return: Nice promo for JJ's return as well as a cute way to explain the upcoming gimmick, plus we found out Johnson has a soft spot for the Big Lewobski, who can blame him? I can't, that movie's classic but I digress. So JJ, I have to say that it's awesome that you've returned but I'm figuring this angle is a nice way to mix things up and have a nice plan to fall back on by allowing the ass kickin' JJ to return, that's pretty damn smart. If I'm wrong... well, it doesn't really matter since you're back. A good opening and works out well to go to- Dr. Pirata versus Olaf Andersen: First things first, I forget- who was the one who created the Four Norsemen? Whoever it was they created the best jobbers to use for debut squashes or, as Tod did, launch a lil' angle. Anyway, the line "boos rain down like candy from a pinata" was amusing, as well as King instantly recognizing the entrance music. Apparently the ice cold machine has forgotten the importance of cardio during the entrance but it doesn't show at the start of the match, which is a nice opening exchange. I liked pointing out the Buffalo Sleeper and the line of- "only to feel something wrap its arms around his waist and tuck its head underneath his arm, which means one of two things: Blazenwing is getting clingy again, or he’s in for a world of hurt." -is classic. Same with the comparsion to droppin' to the canvas like a 80s Mike Tyson opponent, although if it were Buster Douglas then Pirata would be in trouble (was that early nineties? I'm not sure). "Hispanic head?" Geesh, since when do people assume that luchadores wearing masks are Mexican, or that one can't be a luchadore if they're just a white guy from Pennsylvania without a mask? But, again, I digress. An amusing match that serves its purpose, but I have to ask- did you have fun writing as Pirata? I hope so, man, 'cause I'm banking on you to stick around. (Y)~! Oh My God, Shit's Goin' Down Backstage: Man, where are all the road agents when you need them? Oh yeah, we can't afford them anymore, I'm mean we're freakin' out over a damaged door, afterall. S.I.N. and Bruner is one ugly, ugly pairing for anybody in their way and they prove it by kickin' the shit out of Dace (Fuckin'!) Night. Short but it didn't need to be long because it puts over the two as the monsters they are by smacking Night silly. Arne Andersen vs Munich: Munich~! Nice, man, glad you're back (we can whip up some whacky, tacky, zany, kooky antics later ). Like Star pointed out, "Suck it from the source" was funny, as well as the banter throughout the match. The one-thousand dollar bet about IL never becoming World Champion, in my mind, always seemed like a pretty sound bet for King to make, for the record. Poor Doubting Thomas Bastard. Anyway, droppin' Trash's name brought back memories. But that's not important, although the exchange on the outside is since it was nicely done. The ending was, well, pretty much out of nowhere but it just proves the kick-wham-insert-move-here is always dangerous, as well as the returning Munich. Triple D vs Chris Card: Some great dickish shennigans, yes shennigans, by Card before the match and a nice opening exchange. Chris Card cologne would sell huge, for the record. I liked King's thought that the mask is padded by surviving the knee strike but, really, King's borderline Riley with is obession on Card... that might be a bit too harsh, though. I dug Card getting into Triple D's head by messing with the mask throughout the match, it's a simple but really effective technique, I also dug King's paranoia regarding the Japanese. The ending fits pretty well and doesn't give any resolution to the escalating situation since Card and Natasha are simply brilliant with their cheating. It was a fun match. TKO vs S.I.N./Bruner: "Even if a steel guardrail is about as much protection from Tracey Bruner as saran wrap would be against a rabid rhinoceros." Golden. Edit: I promise to wrap it all up later.

Shit, man, what's been up? It's been a long, long time.

What's up, Drew? It's IL if you remember me, it's pretty cool to see you drop by, man. Thinkin' about makin' a return, eh?

I'm around.

Things are simple. The room is nothing more than a normal locker room, plagued by that musky smell, shoddy furniture, and (for whatever reason) it’s dimly lit as often seen when these sort of things happen. Simply put, it’s not exactly what one would expect for a World Champion, although the man who is the World Champion isn’t exactly who one would expect to be the World Champion. But apparently, to the Ill One, this is all just fine because suddenly he comes into view. He steps up close, awkwardly fumbling with the camera to adjust its view, and he glances behind him at a steel chair. He makes sure the World Championship Belt is seen as he slings it onto his shoulder with a cocky smirk. “Well, well, well…” IL says, grabbing the chair, violently swinging it toward him, and sitting in it backwards, his arms dangling over, fingers drumming on the back of the chair. “Tod James Stuart… Tod James Stuart… I have to admit, man, I’m not exactly feeling’ it. Tod the Bod? Not exactly feelin’ that nickname either but hey, that’s your thing. Not mine.” He sighs and replies, “I was just trying to be nice backstage, Tod, try to catch up with an old colleague, co-worker, acquaintance, whatever. Bbbbbuuuutttttt we just couldn’t have that, could we? No, no, no… you had to go and make it awkward, Tod, I was enjoying the change in pace of not exchanging threats with my opponents. You had to go and I have to say that I appreciate the honesty, really, I do…” He stops just to pat his World Title because, well, because he can and that liberty hasn’t gotten old yet. “I appreciate the fact that you respect me and I have to say that, I suppose in ways, I respect you… we can relate, you and I. We’ve shared a long time with limited success, the frustration of the business, and maybe even trying to shed ourselves of old images… but I think that’s where it all ends. See, because I’m World Champion now, I slaughtered the competition and I’m going to continue to, not just because it’s my job, not only because it’s what I love, but a lot of the time it’s since they’ve pissed me off. Va’aiga has gone through fire, S.I.N. got put through a barbed wire board coupled with a C4 explosion, and Alexander, well, we all saw what happened there, didn’t we?” He pauses once again. “I know, Tod, I know that you were just being honest, not exactly trying to piss me off. I have to admit, though, I have a short fuse… I have a tendency to…” “Snap.” “Pretty easily, too. So I’m going to be bluntly honest- you don’t want to open Pandora’s Box, Tod, I respect you enough to offer you that advice, okay? See, we may have been around each other but we don’t really know each other, do we? For example, I didn’t even know that you had a little girl… a little girl that you promised, ‘on her head,’ that you’d beat me to kick-off this revolution you oh-so desperately crave. So I’ll offer you another tidbit of advice…” “Don’t bring her, don’t even let her watch, what is going to happen at Duck and Cover is something that you don’t want her to be scarred with. I mean, really, I was scarred as a child and you wouldn’t want her to end up… like me? Although, I suppose, she may just want to be more like me than her daddy, if we’re talking strictly based upon success. I’m not trying to be cruel… I’m actually just trying to run with this whole ‘honesty’ bit that I’m really diggin’.” He psychotically smiles before saying, “So, Tod, you’re right- we respect each other and we’re facing each other. None of this is personal, yet, and I recommend that you keep it this way because if there is anything I have proven in the last few months- these aren’t idle threats.”

Recently I really got back into writing (I always have written but I mean with some motivation) and that actually became the spark that led me to showing again. I've enjoyed writing the last six matches or so and I mostly contribute it to picking back up older stories. I've got a couple things goin', mostly for my own amusement, but recently for a class I wrote a twenty-something page story that I liked so much that I'm using the general premise to try my first actual novel. It's currently the only thing I have written with complete confidence about it being a solid piece of work, which is really, really refreshing. So here's another question, does your writing greatly differ from matches (general style, obviously not content)? It's sort of a dumb question since most stories vary but you get the jist of it. Personally, I've actually written matches more like I may with a story. Once upon a time I found in-jokes (as in, within the description of the action itself) or anything not straight-forward description to be useless but that's far from the truth. Lettin' that style seep in actually has made it match writing more enjoyable, which is always a plus.

Looks like a fun one and fuck yes to a JJ return. By the way, Tod, I'm tweakin' with the stats but nothing should hinder writing 'fore they're posted.

I liked it, especially since it set up my follow-up promo (read it, motherfuckers, read it). Seriously though, this one will be fun.

(Y)~! I'm excited for the main event and Tracey/S.I.N. versus TKO should be fun.

Well, I said I'd try to get some comments up so I'm going to do just that. IL vs Alexander Hype Video: Yeah, I know that in the real world chances are none of that could be fit into the tempo of the song but that's the beauty of imagination. Movin' on. JTS/Smith vs Fleihr/Andersen: Nice to see another big guy enter the picture here. I'd make jokes about the move names but I don't give a flying fuck about hockey so, you know, I liked the early jumping to take the other two Norsemen out, a lil' bit o' revenge there. The opening exchange in particular was nice but this was pretty much just a wreckin' shit match so I don't have much more to say to it. However, I really liked the commentary since it was dead-on, funny, and got the moves (well as the names) over. Good match to really introduce us to the beast that is Smith. Emma Dumass Interview: Hurray for fixed doors, Dumass being a dumbass, and Landon being oblivious to geography (liked the check Wiki). Except she made a great point about people already having purchased the DVD. I'm also glad to see that Maddix was a Doubting Thomas, asshole. An amusing promo. Triple D vs TORU: Loved King referring to Triple D as a "Flesherweight" and "YOU... MOSQUITO!" Also liked TORU thinking Kivell was telling him to grab the mask and the following shaking D around like a ragdoll. The little sequence of cheating involving Card and the mask was utterly genius, too. Trying to cheat by wrapping the tassels while concealing it as a rear chinlock was superb and now I echo King's statement of missing TKO. "But a pretty nonchalant cover, if you ask me." Mak criticises. "I don't recall doing so." Just another example of witty, cute commentary (including the "Just in case you forgot they were Japanese.") "DIE MUDDAH-FUCKER" was great, although all I could think of is when Muta does it. Triple D takes it but also takes a hell of a beating afterwards. S.I.N. versus Spike: Cocky words before the match in a great interview. He also calls out IL, assuming he'll be the loser, and -shamelessly hype for next show- he'll be getting a shot at him, only he's facing the winner, not the loser like he called for. There, I had to. Mak's a hell of a man for defending Jenkins and letting that whole "crippling" thing slide and I like him defending Spike without seeming too bias throughout in the commentary. I really liked the chain of signature moves that S.I.N. hits, putting Spike in danger, and then the realistic rally from Jenkins only to have S.I.N. knock him back down. I loved the ending because S.I.N. gets put over and so does Jenkins as the smart wrestler, an opportunist, catching him with the Super Ego Trip for the three. A nice way to kick-off a return for Sike. Annie vs Taiga: Aaaannndddd the feud heats up. “Fans in your... Mak, we're in Halifax!” exclaims King, “Who cares what people from Halifax think?” “The marketing department.” “... Halifax is a wonderful place. The SWF would like to take this moment to espouse the wonders of the Canadian Wilderness and its beauty.” Very nice. Annie really is an utter bitch in this match up and I like the visual of a pink mist. Also enjoyed the brawl through the crowd, invading the men's bathroom, and the toilet spot. That is pretty disturbing. Also loved using the guy as a launchpad, which would be horrifying to be that guy, for the Yakuza Kick, sending Annie into the mirror. I liked the exhausted trip back to the ring before Allison ensures the win. An effective ending to continue a feud that is really, really entertaining. Bruner vs Va'aiga: A brutal beatdown in a quick DQ match, continuing what's going to be a violent, violent situation. IL vs Alexander: I won't comment. Enjoyable show, everybody.

Wow, I'm not going to lie- I'm really, really happy. Thanks to everybody who gave me congrats, put up with my bullshit over the years, and whatnot. I know, I know... this isn't an acception speech but, you know. Seriously though, Alexander, thanks a ton for runnin' with the promo battles, the hype, and everything... you know you have the rematch and, therefore, another World Title reign coming. I'll try to put up some comments for the rest of the show in a little bit. Edit: I'm also not going to lie again, I practically went insane(r -run with it-) writing this one.

Yeah, it didn't occur to me that that may have fucked you over but, you know, I no-sold death so a lil' weapon placement...

A camera warily follows a quickly moving man who is pushing a loaded shopping cart down the corridors as the hours approach closer to the show. The cameraman keeps his distance but zooms in to reveal it is the Ill One, indeed, apparently having fulfilled his sadistic grocery list that quickly turns a corner near the ring entrance. Suddenly a portly man, dressed in an SWF ring crew shirt, walks over while the camera peaks around the camera to see IL shake his hand. "Eric, what's up, man?" he asks to the man's shrug, who is mostly fixed on the packed shopping cart. "Not much, Jesus Christ- am I supposed to take care of all of this?" IL glance down in the cart in surprise, as if it were nothing, and replies, "That's why you get the big bucks..." He hands over a crisp twenty and pats him on the arm, perhaps a little too hard. "Yeah, yeah. How many things are in there?" "Enough," IL simply says, gently pushing it towards the employee. The camera zooms in closer to reveal the contents including a light tube grid (light tubes arranged in a square with two lights running across in the middle) but namely three, yes three, Excaliburs, the light tube sword(s). "I'd say... Okay, well, you know the drill, where do you want them?" "Surprise me." "What? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose...?" IL pause before concluding, "Yeah, good call. Alright, look, I want the three on each side of the ring except for the side facing the entrance ramp, the grid can go where ever, really..." Eric nods before asking, "How about two and one instead? Do you want to keep the shopping cart? I mean I can't really fit that..." Luchador apathetically shrugs and says, "Do what you do best, man, and thanks." "You bet, hey IL?" "Yeah?" IL asks as he turns away, noticing the camera, and he faces the employee again. "Good luck... and bash his fucking skull in." Luchador psychotically laughs and replies, "Thanks, you have no clue..."

For the record, the purpose is just to logically explain how IL knows where his Excalibur is so I can keep doing the "Oh noes! He found it!" spot.

I'm around far as I know so far.

At first the camera focuses closely on an empty steel chair in a dimly lit room when suddenly a body, unknown thanks to the camera’s zoom, sits into the chair. It begins to pan out to see a heavily scarred chest and it becomes clear as it continues to pan away that it’s Insane Luchador who has sat down, hanging his head over but still looking up at the camera. “Alexander,” IL begins and lifts his head up, looking straight into the camera, “I just want you to know that I saw your cute little cheap shot towards me. Personally, I’m curious as to how you managed to find my ‘secret dumpster’ out back… it makes me think that maybe you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. Hell, I have. But none of that surprised me and I also have to admit, your arrogance ironically proves your ignorance if you find me to be a little… obsolete, incompetent, or even dated. That’s all really pretty funny to me because, well, I’m not the delusional one for once- do you realize that? Your confidence, your ego, and your god damn arrogance are the very things that’ll make you fall. I know, I know… how can a perfectly sane, incredibly smart man like you, Alexander, be displaying any sort of ignorance coming into this one?” “You’re simply trying to discredit me to reassure yourself but I expected that,” he casually admits. “You’re faking confidence and trying to compensate for that fear of the unknown, like me. You can watch every match I have wrestled, Alexander, and it’ll take you a while but you just might notice a lil’ wild card here because I know your type, you have a knack for the technical side that I’ve always lacked.” “Good for you,” he sarcastically says after a pause. He sits up straighter in his chair before continuing to address Alexander- “But for a guy like you, for an analytic guy like you, if you really prepared for me then you’d notice something, a really foreign element thrown into your equation, apparently an unforeseen variable. Unpredictability. Now there is not only the unpredictability alone but then add the countless opportunities this upcoming hardcore match has and it’s not an easy thing to break down into a game plan. But I have confidence in you for that, really I do, I think you’ll have a vague enough idea of what you’ll want to do coming into that ring.” “Now obviously those things aren’t going to happen in that ring but at least you’ll have visuals of what ‘could have been’ to cling onto,” IL says. “Actually I’d say you’ll have plenty of things that you will have to cling onto, unforgettable mementos, a souvenir, maybe even a gratuitous plastic second place trophy, who knows…” He leans back in his chair and then hovers his hand over his bare, war torn chest, drawing attention to the numerous imperfections with a small smile. “I’m not simply ‘touting’ these scars to intimidate you,” IL explains with a laugh. “However, every single one of these scars has a story, most of them are painful ones, and every single one is also a testimony towards me. These are simply constant reminders, Alexander, of what I’ve been through, what I’ve done, and most likely a reminder for what’s to come. Now I’m no Miss Cleo, I’m no psychic, but I’m also not –that- crazy but if I had to guess what will happen at Hell Freezes Over…” He pauses as if reflecting on it. “Well, you’ll have your own constant reminders of what happens when you cross the Ill One, of what will happen if you take these as idle threats.” He laughs and stands up, waving the cameraman to stand up as well. He walks into the darkness and his voices speaks out through it- “Now you may be wondering what it’s so dark in here… do you like the tone of the room, Alexander?” IL facetiously asks. “See, it’s not just some cliché way to show angst or symbolic towards the unknown… it’s actually pretty simple.” Silence takes over until the light switch gets flicked on, the room instantly lighting up, and it becomes clear why the Ill One breaks into psychotic laughter. Barbed wire sits on a steel chair with a bat leaning next to it, thumbtacks and a hot glue gun on the table, and freshly bundled light tubes on his couch, obviously the start of construction for Excalibur, his signature weapon. He waves his arms across the room and raises his eyebrows. “So how do you like it, what do you think?” He glances around and apologizes, “Actually I left a lot out of the picture but, you know, I can’t show you all the goodies and plus, some hurt like hell even to hold.” His head slightly tilts and a psychotic smile spreads across his face. “So you see, Alexander, you’re right- I did choose the perfect stipulation, I chose one that helps me and hurts you, literally. So if you want to bank on the fact that these are the only way I could win the match,” he says and motioning across the locker room in reference to the various weapons. “Then I’m ready for that too,” IL says. “I’m ready for everything, Alexander, and I really don’t think you’re ready for anything...” “See, this all began with me getting a title shot and you were just my opponent, the World Champion. You have the belt that has been destined to be mine and now would be my time, so you were just an opponent, a guy to beat for that coveted title. That’s bad enough. A guy I had to beat to get what has slipped away from me so many times… Then you became the antagonizing guy, pissing me off, and now I was finding the upcoming match even better. That’s even worse. But after a little bit, well, you just became the catalyst for the Ill One’s rage, Alexander. See, now I have to defeat you, not just to win the World Title or save face, I am talking about destroying you. I’m not going to rely on a roll up or a hollow victory, Alexander, I am going to squash any doubt surrounding me after we’re done, after I have beaten you decisively.” “So I hope you bring your ‘A’ game, I really do. Because after all your talk of my incompetence and all the shit you spew out only makes your fall that much sweeter to view, just that much sweeter seeing that heap of what had once been a proud World Champion.You aren’t even going to be recognizable, Alexander, at least not to yourself. Sure, your face may be rearranged or your body horribly mangled, at least, but there are surgeons to fix it. But that’s only at the surface, isn’t it? Because after Hell Freezes Over I know that you won’t be able to look into a mirror, unable to face yourself, and it will be because your fall will be that far, after I have defeated you then you’ll be left wondering what you have done to yourself, what you have done by neglecting my potential, and just wishing, frantically wishing to live it all over again, to change the outcome. But that’s not going to happen, now is it? You have to see now that to change your perspective, to knock your ass off the pedestal, and to see you give up on yourself is almost as much incentive as the World Title itself. Almost.”

Well, I'm obviously pretty pumped up for this one since if there has ever been a time for me to even potentially win the World Title then this stipulation is it. Plus we get more Annie vs Taiga, S.I.N. vs Spike battlin' it out for NY pride, Triple D vs TORU should be fun, and Tod gets to wreck the Norsemen's shit. So gather 'round people, make chit-chat, talk shit, predict, or whatever else. Good luck to everybody and Alexander, expect a promo up soon enough.

"I must crush you." (Y)~!

Nice, very nice... now I'm going to dig a few tunnels, a few holes in the arena and then pop out to roll you up. Asshole. Seriously, nice one, man. I'll see what I can muster up in response.

Actually, I take that back- I had forgotten about that somehow. Franco can be pretty funny, too, like on the extras on the Knocked OUt DVD when he's ranting about Freaks and Geeks.

I might have missed the thread if there is one but go and see Harold and Kumar. Now.

Last night at Harold and Kumar had the trailer and everybody was dying, I lost it when they show Rogen glide/falling/pouncing onto somebody. Now I'm looking forward to this one and have taken back any Doubting Thomas claims I had previously made about it, hopefully the trailer didn't show the funniest parts but I'm sold.