The Ill One

Nope, I didn't. Kudos to Spike.

Ladies, ladies... can we please all change our tampons? No offense meant to neither WC nor Muzz but man people have been touchy recently. Somebody needs to dig up some Galatea classics. Oh and where the fuck is Crow?

Well, he's moved onto a better place.

The bra and panties match ruled. *Nature nutshot* God bless the Galatea.

G0R0 eats Birdman! Uh oh!

I am a powerful Penguin. I am a pugnacious Penguin, I am a powerful Penguin. I am an Irishman dressed up as a Penguin… however, I am a popular Penguin. … I’m a pathetic penguin… -- Petey the (Irish) Penguin sits in his locker room that’s now been infested by his cigarette smoke. He couldn’t snatch his usual green dyed rolling papers from Wallace who usually went through, well, whoever to get them. So he resorted to about five packs of Kamel Reds and already he seemingly is running low. He’s feet are slung onto the wooden table while he stares across the room at Candice who’s taking a nap on the overstuffed black leather couch. He takes a long drag as he reaches across to the ash tray, violently snuffing the cigarette out. During the exhale of smoke he reaches across and grabs his glass of Bushmills whiskey on the rocks. He takes another sip while letting the nicotine do its magic, him staring up at the smoke that swirls around the light bulb like moths flocking to a light. He rolls his eyes and carelessly ashes his cigarette onto his “fur coat.” “Oh cac!” The Squawker Punk Rocker blurts out as he leaps up as a small flame catches up towards his beak. Thinking of proprieties he shots down the rest of the booze before starting to flap his wings on the small fire. Candice is hardly disturbed, luckily, as Petey takes a big sigh examining the black scorching spot in his fur. Because I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here, I don’t belong here With a heavy sigh Petey pours himself another glass of whiskey before wondering where his friends are. Maybe they’re not the Celtic Misfit, maybe I am. Maybe I’m not meant to be here… not everybody belongs here. He slowly reaches his hand across the table and snags the package of smokes. He pauses and reaches out another, his left wing hunting for the cigarette lighter. Soon he’s inhaling the sweet cancer stick before shutting his eyes. …I’m a fuckin’ failure, a miserable failure. I don’t care if it hurts, I want to have control I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul I want you to notice, when I’m not around You’re so fucking special I wish I was special “I’m a miserable Penguin, the Punk Rocker Squawker is a motherfucking, Big Bird cock sucking FAILURE!” Petey blurts and this promptly wakes up Candice. Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want … “What is that emo shit?” He says as he knocks down the radio playing the God-awful “Creep” by Radiohead. Candice seems rather startled yet confused. “What’s wrong honey?” Petey turns around and after a long drag stops and exhales. “Just the fact I’ve done nothing since rejoining.” “Well you’ve been surprisingly good about the whole arrangement,” Candice points out. “What smells like burnt hair anyway?” She asks as she sniffs in the locker room’s orgy of bad smells. “Ah, nothing,” Petey chuckles nervously as the door swings open. “Finally the Prince of Flash and Panache is back in the Mellon’s Arena!” A high pitched voice yells as the room’s so incredibly smoky there’s a small, large, large, and fat outlines of men. “Edwin you don’t have to drop a promo every time you enter a room, I told you this,” Petey begs as the Celtic Misfits pile into the locker room. “Yeah, well, you should really cut down on smoking Petey!” Edwin says in a huff as he walks over to the couch Candice is on and tries to fling himself onto it. Sean Daly follows down as he drops a piece of paper onto the desk with Petey’s clutter. “You were awful close about the Big Bird line,” he says with a smirk. Petey stares at the Lockdown card and blinks in disbelief. “What’s this guy’s story?” “Well Big Bird has been compiling information about you, that’s one thing,” Daly admits. “Because, you know, he actually wants to win in his federation. Not just gather a fan base,” Sean O’Connor points out as he snags himself a cigarette also. Finally the lovable yet portly Wallace McHaggis comes into the room as he chomps down on a turkey leg, bag in hand. “What’s in the bag, Wallace?” “Haggis,” he says. “…What the squawk are you doing bringing in a haggis?” Petey questions as the rest of the Celtic Misfits groan. “Well I gotta’ keep my shape to me somehow!” Wallace defends. “You mean weight,” Daly quips back as he lifts up Mini-MacPhisto onto the couch who had been struggling to get up. O’Connor helps himself to a drink of Bushmills right out of the bottle before sitting on the chair backwards. With a foolish, tipsy grin he points the cigarette at Petey. “What now Sean, did you piss in the punch again?” The (Irish) Penguin accuses. “No but somebody’s catching onto you,” He says with a big grin. “Who?” Petey demands. “Calm down Petey,” Daly suggests casually. “But what am I going to do?” Petey asks. “I mean, I mean, come on! It’s my job on the line!” “I mean, I mean, Petey- you’re drunk,” Daly bitterly retorts as Petey calms down. “It’s no big deal; Big Bird here has a talent scout who’s just been compiling information. You need to change your game plan, man, that’s all.” “Such as?” Petey asks. “I’ll tell you,” Daly says as he blows smoke away. I am a pathetic Penguin… wait, no, I’m just a drunken Penguin. Now a happy Penguin.

Robert De Niro Kevin Spacey Morgan Freeman Edward Norton

I told you it was pointless. Now I'm drunk, somebody figure out a way for me to get in chat!

It'd be dandy if you guys unbanned me so I can postpone writing after coming back from a 19 hour drive.

...Yeah, I find it pretty amusing too. Anyway. MAIN EVENT HANDICAP MATCH Janus vs Alan Clark and Edward James (the WAYWARD SONS!) ~Janus. But upsets are always good and dandy. SINGLES MATCH FOR THE USJL CHAMPIONSHIP Masked Man vs Todd Cortez ~MM. SINGLES MATCH ALSO UNDER CRUISERWEIGHT RULES "The Superior One" Tom Flesher vs Ced Ordonez ~Flesher. SINGLES MATCH Manson vs "The Corona" Vladimir Everheart ~...Another Vladmir in our federation's history? Hmph, Manson, show! TAG MATCH Ryan Dustin and Johnny Dangerous vs Martin "Big Country" Hunt and Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix ~Maddix. SINGLES MATCH Toxxic vs Jamie Drazon ~Coin toss. SINGLES MATCH The Birdman vs Petey the Irish Penguin ~This will be a true epic! FOR ME TO POOP ON! Ahem, Birdman. HARDCORE MATCH Ace Lezaire vs Rob Gilbert ~Ace! SINGLES MATCH Sean Davis vs Dace Night ~Dace. SINGLES MATCH FOR THE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP Austin Sly vs "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins ~Sly, but Spike, dammit, use your ska super powers!

Minor updates on 5/5/05 (well, move wise). Smarks Board Name: InsanityMan Wrestlers Name: Insane Luchador (Andrew Rickmen is his real name). Height: 6’4” Weight: 201 Hometown: Easton, Pennsylvania Age: 23 Face/Heel: Face. Underdog, borderline psychotic face. Stable: None. Ring Escort: None. Weapon(s): Everything and anything. His favorite is a light tube “sword” (three light tubes taped together with a makeshift metal handle to grab with) and the light tube table. (Bundle of light tubes that have two legs). Quote: Looks: His body is built in the frame of a rather tall, average twenty-something man in good shape. He has black hair that he spikes up, wild green eyes with streaks of blue, yellow, and brown, a somewhat beaten nose, and an overall an intimidating sense. He doesn’t make people run for cover but his looks do match his occasional psychotic behavior and it’s unnerving. He wears baggy, khaki cargo pants, either a skateboarding, music t-shirt, sweatshirt and beaten up black Emericas. He dresses casually inside the ring and outside. Ring Entrance: “Man in the Box” by Alice in Chains plays as the opening guitars grind into the audience’s heads. Once the song kicks up pyro of black and red burst and he just walks out. He milks the cheers before throwing his arms into the air energetically before sprinting down to the ring. Stats: ¯¯¯¯¯ Strength: 3 (His strikes hurt and he’s wiry. Nothing too impressive, nothing to be ashamed of). Speed: 6 (He’s no Wildchild but he can move). Vitality: 8 (It’s Insane Luchador. This guy is tough, sadistic while wrestling, and sometimes a full fledged masochist). Charisma: 3 (He does and can talk but his longevity and persona gets the fans’ support). Style: A street fighter with acrobatic, suicidal, and aggressive (read: hardcore) tendencies who aims for head and neck injuries. Note: In the vein of Flesher’s stance- if you see a move that Luchador could conceivably do, especially for spots, then go wild. Signature moves: Flying Crossbody- One that would make Ricky Steamboat proud. Rolling DDTs- Three to five DDTs done in succession. Legacy of Brutality- Strings of strikes until the opponent falls onto their knees. IL then bounces into the ropes then leaps out with a dropkick onto the foe’s face. He then rolls up and leaps into the air with a kneedrop onto their face. Tree of Woe followed by baseball slide Tornado DDT Frog Splash Combination of strikes (kicks, knees, punches) to daze the opponent then finish with a flying headscissors. Brainbuster- Geared towards cruisers and sometimes heavier opponents. Moonsault- Off the top rope into pin fall Reverse DDT Common moves: Spinning Backfist- Jab, hook, jab, and spinning backfist. Monkey Flip Standing Rear Naked Choke (Stolen from JJ Johnson after he learned how hard it is to escape) Flipping neckbreaker Backdrop Arm drag Knees, knees, and more knees Cross armbreaker Spear Baseball slide Snapmare Super Kick- Way too weak, just to turn momentum. Camel Clutch Dropkick Flying clothesline Hurricanarana Snap Suplex Elbow Drop- Off the top turnbuckle. Scoop Slam followed by kneedrop Spinning elbow strike Head slams Yakuza Kick- To sway momentum so it’s not too powerful. Jawbreaker Rare moves: Piledriver Snap Powerbomb Corkscrew moonsault Hardcore moves: Balcony Sault (Signature)- It’s a moonsault from a balcony. Pretty self explanatory- he’ll hit it against anybody if the opportunity presents itself but he rarely hits it. It’s safe to say that off any high object IL will have no problem trying to hit a moonsault. Hanging On the Brink (Signature)- It’s the same thing as Brink of Insanity (see finishers) but instead of the usual he hangs the opponent over the ropes. This is perfect for smashing foes through objects on the outside. GoreGasm (Signature)- Backdrop driver. But it MUST be done through or onto something. Get creative it’s one of his favorites. Master of Masochism- Off some sort of higher object he hits a release German suplex and then leaps off with a senton splash. Finishers: Evenflow DDT- He could make it linger, he could make it split-second. Either way it’s his preferred finisher. Brink of Insanity- Hooks the opponent in a full nelson and backs towards the turnbuckle, hops onto the top turnbuckle. Leaps off and swings legs to the side and lays the opponent flat down. Destruction- Foe and IL are back to back. IL reaches one arm back and hooks it around the opponent’s throat then holds the other arm out in a cross. He then bends down and lets the opponent lay elevated then jumps backwards to smash them on their faces. It’s hard to explain and it’s sketchy but I’ve seen this move done. It’s possible. Notes: Insane Luchador has been around for ages and ages. He’s a brawler but from time he’s learned to use his speed to his advantage. His threshold for pain is nearly unbelievable and he’ll pass out before tap out. No matter what the consequence- he’ll never back down. But he’s far from invincible and his right shoulder will always be weak. If he breaks down and has a streak of insanity or over-the-top brutality, well, it’s a defensive mechanism. Bleeds like a first timer. In conclusion- he’s hardcore… not a great wrestler but damn hardcore.

...Well, he's meant to be written as Tim Dillon in a giant penguin suit... but since I don't show and people are stupid- you get a mixture of both. Kind've like if Riley had an in-ring return how many people would write him as gay as Rico, which wouldn't be the case.

Hmmm, a ringer! Yes. I'm drunk. Yes. I'll show. Once I leave New York's Ball Sack (New Jersey).

I'm not home, but I wouldn't be writing anyway. I'll update stats and shit eventually. Now back to cheap booze.

"The, uh, special herb that makes you feel " Edition! 5) Pink Floyd- Wish You Were Here 4) Led Zeppelin- Fool in the Rain 3) Speedy Pipers- Super hyper bagpipes 2) SOAD- Bounce 1) Operation Ivy- Bombshell

Nah, your parents pay us to just pretend we're you're awesome! Just can't break through the glass door, eh? Aw Todd, you know we all hate you! Tehehehe! Man, I'm just playing with you, how goes it!

Hahaha I not gonna show-ho, I'm not gonna show ho! Yeah man I just feel like writing, especially due to my mental trouble due to substances that Toxxic says no too! But maybe a promo while I feel a little- The weed orgasm, ahahaha!

My match is almost done!

Hmmm, a bizarre turn indeed. Well he's not dead yet but I can't say I feel very sympathetic. Let me give this a shot- Oh, my throat hurts like a bitch! ...All to line Bush's pockets! Or was it 'cause I smoked way too many cigarettes? Damn that Bush and this useless war!

Yeah, I heard about that from a "fiend." But I guess that link clears it all up. Fun song to cover.

MAIN EVENT TORNADO TAG TEAM MATCH "The Superior One" Tom Flesher & Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix vs Toxxic & Jay Dawg ~Flesher and Landon. CAGE MATCH ICTV TITLE CONTENDERSHIP Johnny Dangerous vs Aecas ~Aecas. TAG TEAM MATCH TAG TEAM TITLE BOUT Hollywood Boulevard© (Todd Cortez & Mike Van Siclen) vs The Wayward Sons (Ced Ordonez & Edward James) ~Wayward Sons. SINGLES MATCH USJL TITLE BOUT The Masked Man© vs Alan Clark ~MM, but if Clark did that'd be sweet. SCALED DOWN SURVIVOR SERIES TAG MATCH HARDCORE TITLE CONTENDERSHIP Martin "Big Country" Hunt, Petey the Irish Penguin & Munich vs Heath Black, "The Icon" Max King & Manson ~Not me. SINGLES MATCH NON-TITLE BOUT Austin Sly© vs Ryan Dustin© ~Eck, uh, Sly. SINGLES MATCH Rob Gilbert vs Sean Davis ~Davis.

Silly Maddix, I don't write! Nice card though and good luck to all.

...Whoa, I guess Zed explained it... but, uh, since I don't watch wrestling- what exactly is a survivor series?

I also have ceannairc91011, just for the record.

He's famous for doing book readings where people end up puking. Nice story.