The Ill One

I'm Insane Luchador, Tim Dillon, and Petey the (Irish) Penguin. Most of you newbies see me as just another lukewarm body that no-shows all the time. This wasn't always the case but it is now- so how can I blame you? But even though this is a competitive federation, we do this for fun. Damn right we write "x" amount of words a week just for fun. Crazy, no? Now some of us like writing more, some of us like wrestling more- some of us don't neither know wrestling nor write well. (Guilty right here). But beyond that, this federation provides a lot of other things you can do for fun. As a guy who's been here for wwwaayyyy too long (roughly three years, maybe? From ages 11/12 to 15). I know the plague that can usher some of our best writers away- the BURN OUT~! It's the feeling that writing's a chore, it's not fun, yadda yadda yadda. Therefore, since I'm doing this real quick 'cause nobody will read it anybody, here's a good list and tips to avoid that awful stage- Predictions -Go on, have fun with them. Don't take them personally though- predictions are easy to do, quite amusing, and can actually movitate certain folk. But there's not much more to this than what I said, so carry on my wayward son- Comments -Okay, this is one thing that makes baby Jesus crying. If you're a Satanic fuck (*glares at Aecas, Dace, and Crow*), an evil fuck (*glares at Dawg*) or just an Atheist fuck (*glares at whoever*) then it makes the panda sad. You don't want the panda sad, do you? No you don't. Because otherwise Edwin shall return and sodomize you with, uh, something pointy. Anyway, I digress. But guys, newbs and veterans alike, FEED BACK Give feedback, it encourages people to keep going. Sometimes people say, "Well, I don't know what to say." I'm sorry, do you only think in Tao? Just type what you say. Not every comment HAS to be an in-depth Dace or Danny like report, just give some comments. I liked this, this was okay, hey try to improve in this area. Social -We don't bite, well, most of us don't. (See: Roja vs Munich) Go to the chat, post on the community board, IM the guys you think are pretty cool. Making friends will really improve your time in the federation, plus helps with burn out because you usually have the bugger that prods you to keep going. Other -Zed will HATE me for saying this- but if you don't feel like writing. Don't write! Forcing yourself to do it increases your chance to feel burnt out so much more. -Ask for feedback but don't challenge authority (*cough cough*). -Don't be intimidated to ask questions or try to get to know us. Most of us are pretty damn cool. -Try change every now-and-then but don't make it radical. For example a guy named Rane went from being a HOSS~! to cruiserweight. Now correct me if I'm wrong- but Slimfast isn't THAT good, is it? We also had a "ninja" turn "sumo"... well, I guess that works because think of Marlon Brando *bum bum phish* Anyway just tweak your style, your character, maybe moves. Ask people for advice, they'll give it to you. -Remember, real life > e-fed life. Always. I don't give a fuck what everybody else says- if there's one thing in real life I'd rather do than the federation, I'd go with the real life. But at the same time... you're expected to do your share of work also. (Mind you I'm a fuckin' no-talented jobber so maybe this isn't that great of advice). -Don't be too sensitive, we poke fun at each other. A lot. -Have. A. Good. Time. Now focail leat!

Phft, guys, wrestling logic 101- every place has a boiler room. Every. Oh and I'm showing, after somebody deleted my SWF folder which included chat and other shit, so, uh, that sucks. But I have all tonight to write, so I will. Petey cannot become IL jobber like, muahahahaha.

Fight Club The Godfather Taxi Driver The Godfather Part II

Let's get all nostaligic again, damn it! Alright here's the deal, for the next show I need many, many jobbers. I have many, many jobbers listed- but I must be missing some. So let's reflect on the worst of the worse or people who weren't really jobbers but teased as being one (such as Spark~!). So far I have- KFC (consisting of Flink, Kernel McJabbid, Senile Lloyd, Henry, Big Nosed Nerd, Nostril Midget, Bloated Oaf, and Scrawny Pixie) Xtreme, Payne, Venom, Bonecrusher, Lucky, Captain Falcon, T-Bone, Brimstone, Myers, D-Red, Heat, HamSauce, Goldeneye, Spark, Cutthroat, Simon Flare (eh more of a classic), Iceman, Xero, Thor, D-Devil, Hammer, Adonis, Juggalo Joe, Johnny Rotten, SOS, Jack the Ripper, the Dark Reaper, Snow Demon (muahahahaha, sorry Mike), Shadow, Brahma Bull, Triple E, Basketball ASA, Lost Soul, Adrenaline, MBASK, Kojack, Tom Cat, Jack Beatnick, Suicide, Reason, Vanguard (one match wonder), Molock, John Stark, Cardboard Comet (CLASSIC~!), Leo Breslin, Quiet Death, and J.T. Playa!

99.9% I no-show! Good luck to those who write.

I no showed!

I think that three man commentary team is insanely delicious, as is Axis/Wilson. ...You're all going to kill me for this one bbbbuuuutttttt- Axis/Comet/NTD Think of Axis as the referee from the two others so the goofiness isn't too bad... while it's possible to write Comet easily with his sanity and wits about. NTD, well, not so much but Comet/NTD is wwwaaayyyyy too fucked up. So throw in Axis, who is ideal on any pairing, and it could work out.

I personally adored the three guy team long as the guys have history or click. Like nothing was better than Justice and Rule with Annie with Ejiro making bitter quips about Judge's shortcomings. Edwin/Axis/King was insanely fun but that just won't due to the storylines that's been done. I'm thinking this- Riley Axis Judge Mark Erek Comet (Could be zany) Justice and Rule Comet (Judge serving as sensible) Wilson Axis NTD

Not until you try to win by a scoop slam and then book yourself in the main event, Thoth *coughs LDP*

I guess I'd qualify there, 'cause I had a midget no-sell a Burning Hammer in my match *plug*~! I never liked the "no over-the-top" rule anyway.

Main Event Non-Title Bout; Special Guest Referee Dace Night vs Janus Special Guest Referee: Tom Flesher ~Flesher~! (No predicition). Cruiserweight Title Match Austin Sly vs Johnny Dangerous ~Sly. Submissions Match "Deathwish" Danny Williams vs Mike Van Siclen ~Williams. USJL Title Match Alan Clark vs Aecas vs Todd Cortez vs Masked Man ~Eck, I'll go with Clark or Aecas. Toxxic vs "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins ~Toxxic, but I'd mark the fuck out if Spike won. Hardcore Title Contendership Ryan Dustin vs Munich vs Manson ~Munich~! Heath Black vs Martin "Big Country" Hunt ~Black, because I don't want to discriminate. Max King vs Petey The (Irish) Penguin ~King. But this Penguin doesn't go down without a fight, motherfuckers!

You bitches better sell Petey the (Irish) Penguin and the Celtic Misfits! The summary is simple- Dillon burned his SJL contract that had a two year clause he couldn't return and he was the international Linux mascot. But he got fired and since Zed's a fuckin' dick comissioner he'd rather have Tim wrestle as Petey the (Irish) Penguin than be reinstated. Simple, right? Good luck to all.

Raynor- covered. KFC is definitely covered. Oh and check out this show, you'll love my new character.

Fight Club Se7en Scarface The Godfather To Kill A Mockingbird Apocalypse Now Casablanca The Godfather Part II

Almost done and it looks like it might have the shot at hitting 7k. Oh and I updated the stats, oh, and the promos for the show. Man I've done more work for one show than I have for about two years.

Alright, B-U-M-P for the finale that's coming up! I totally forgot about it 'til I was like "Hey, it's Tuesday... oh hey! The Shield!" (Has no sense of time due to summer).

Most of my suggestions have already been added but throw in the Casualties there too- oh and fuck NOFX. I can't stand their shit, serious or not- for some reason them and MxPx should burn in the deepest pit of hell.

Bodha is ashamed of you all.

Note- read the “notes” area, read the promo, read the Gauntlet. this new character. Smarks Board Name: InsanityMan Wrestlers Name: Petey the (Irish) Penguin Nicknames: “Petey” “The Penguin” “Petey the (Irish) Pimp Penguin”, and “The Squawker” Height: 6’3” (Penguin’s head adds a bit of length it’s a tall Penguin) Weight: 227 (costume added) Hometown: South Pole Age: …22? Yeah. Face/Heel: Face. You can’t hate Petey! Stable: The Celtic Misfits (see notes) Ring Escort: Occasionally “Adorable Edwin- the Mini-MacPhisto”, Wallace McHaggis or Adorable Edwin hitchin’ a ride on Wallace McHaggis’ shoulders! Weapon(s): Just about anything, this is quite the hardcore penguin. Quote: “Squawk!” “Oh come on!” (In the heavy brogue accent) Looks: This is Tim Dillon. But he’s dressed in an overstuffed penguin suit that comes down a bit past his knees. So his khaki cargoes have the same shamrock patches at the end, same Emerica black skate shoes, his face is exposed as the beak is “opened” so his face pokes out of the beak and the rest of the suit above it. Attractive guy, nice green eyes, scattered freckles on a nose, blonde hair, has some dimples, and somehow has a dazzling smile. But his legs and arms are rather free but overall this movement is constricted. Ring Entrance: The lights dim and a loud “BBbuuuurrrr, it is cold in here!” Then a long pause as blue lights switch on “UNLEASH THE FURY!” This leads right into the bagpipes blaring for “Barroom Hero” by Dropkick Murphys! Meanwhile the SmarkTron shows Petey Irish jigging and two penguins getting into a chest-bumping contest. White, green, and orange pyro explodes everywhere! Confetti rains down in the shape of a penguin and out comes Petey! The fans give their cheers as if Jesus and Edwin were in a dance-off while Petey mimes some boxing punches. Then depending on if it’s a special occasion he might be smoking a hand-rolled, green dyed papers cigarette or chug a Guinness to an “Oi” chant! Slaps fans’ hands maybe lets a little kid pet his beak, you know, he’s a great guy. Stats: ¯¯¯¯¯ Strength: 20(4- you sell his strikes) Speed: 20 (3- he’s a quick penguin but his attire constricts him) Vitality: 20 (7- tough Penguin, plus the suit absorbs blows, I mean the South Pole is COLD~!) Charisma: Numbers can’t describe. (6- is it possible to NOT love Petey?) Style: Well Petey is a master brawler. But he’s rather capable of moving swiftly but he’s restricted by his suit. So basically he’s a brawler at heart who just uses good, (mostly) simple wrestling and fighting to win. Now he’s not sadistic but by nature he likes knocking people out silly. Matter of fact it makes him quite the happy penguin. Signature moves: Penguin Panic- Trap both arms under arm pits, a battle cry (“squawk!”) headbutts galore, then throwing them overhead. Fury Unleashed- Garvin-like stomps after a snapmare, hip toss, or side headlock take down. But instead of stomping he hops onto your chest and treats your ribcage like a treadmill with waddles! Rapid strikes and brawling moves before he busts out an Irish jig and clotheslines or dropkicks the opponent down. Arctic Freeze-Three to five rolling DDTs THE Spear- Always done with a “squawk” as a battle cry. Penguin’s Power- Hurricarana from the top rope. Just brawling with hints of “dirty fighting” kneecap shots, kidney kicks, elbows, palm strike Arctic Atomic Bomb- Yeah but you sell this like it is death, for no real reason. Leg drop off top rope Just about every springboard because it’s DAMN impressive to see Petey suicide Planchas to the outside. Wings of Wrath- basically you got opponent on middle turnbuckle- grab a hold of his head out and gets to middle rope- spiked DDT Common moves: Ten head butts in the corner- where the fans “squawk” instead of count along Beak Buster- snapmare into chinlock Snap Suplex Side headlock takedown into retaining hold German Suplex Hip toss Monkey flip Sting Splash- Mostly a joke move because, you know, there’s a lot of fluff in that costume. But sets up for the ten head butts in the corner. Boston Crab Simple top rope moves just because Petey got the fundamentals down. Super Kick Squawk Slam- backdrop Spine buster Wing Taps- quick bitch slaps… mostly as humiliation and get the crowd rallied. Rare moves: Tux’s Takedown- Burning Hammer. That’s right, you read it correctly. Finishers: Penguin Pandemonium- Same as “blood and whiskey” which is a reverse DDT with elevation due to grabbing hold of pants and lifting up. Penguins Can Too Fly- Petey vaults onto the top turnbuckle and then hits a corkscrew Moonsault, it’s beautiful really. Notes: So here’s the deal, guys. This is Tim Dillon, it’s OBVIOUSLY Tim Dillon, but dressed up as Petey the Penguin. The idea is he’s being half-goofy and half-serious in the federation so he fights to win but prefers a good time. This guy is Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky there isn’t any “anguish” that IL was “plagued” with. Anyway but only Alex Zennon, The Celtic Misfits, and Bobby Riley (who just realizes how obvious it is) have caught on. Petey the (Irish) Penguin is quite the player, therefore he can be referred to as “Petey the (Irish) Pimp Penguin” also. “The Squawker” works too. Instead of swearing, most of the time, he “squawks.” He also jigs, slips into Gaelic, has the same silver flask with gold chain with the family crest covered up by a piece of paper with a huge “P” taped over his family crest. Same with the silver lighter too. It’s rare when Petey is being serious but when he is, it’s pretty intimidating. As a rule of the universe- people adore Petey the Penguin. The thick, brogue accent can make girls melt with a big grin and how can guys NOT like a Penguin who can chug down a keg… then casually ask for another! You can’t. You love Petey. Most likely he loves you back, too. The Celtic Misfits is more of Petey’s “posse” or group he’s almost always around. Here’s how it breaks down- “Adorable Edwin- the Mini-MacPhisto” (Mini-Mac, Mini-MacPhisto, and Adorable Edwin all work as nicknames)- He’s a midget impersonator of Edwin MacPhisto. But not in a disrespectful way, it’s because he freakin’ worships the guy! Now Adorable Edwin is very charismatic and runs with the jokes about him being who he is. However at the same time this guy is roughly 4’4” and got ups. Therefore a Cocktail O’ Shame, Encore Cross, Standing Shotei, Kip-Up, and all other classics can be attempted. He’s a feisty guy but at the end of the day he makes a good manager. He looks exactly like Edwin, if he was shrunk. Wallace McHaggis- That good natured Scotsmen, but his weight puts Rikishi to shame! This guy can sprint across a ring and that’s about it. But he knows how to throw his weight around, damn it! He’s around 6’1”, eats haggis, and has full, ruby face with blue face paint that matches Gibson in “Braveheart.” Wears a kilt, can use bagpipes as a weapon, and has the fighting spirit inside him. Usually you just have to get past the pounds and pounds of fat to get to it. Sean O’Connor- He is Petey the Penguin’s friend who helps him out. Of American-Irish descent he has shaggy brown hair, green eyes, pale skin, and is only 5’10.” He works out though and knows how to box and fight, but doesn’t really like to unless it’s for the sake of a sport. But he’s very defensive, so it happens. Candice- Petey’s girlfriend, rarely seen though, usually stays in Limerick, Ireland. But she’s pretty short, 5’8” or so then shoulder length blonde hair, blue eyes, cute smile. You know, the type only such a(n) (Irish) Pimp Penguin could snatch. Sean Daly- Another Petey the Penguin friend but he's from Limerick, Ireland. Short, curly brown hair, rather dull brown eyes, freckles, very muscular though. He's about 6'2" and just not the type of guy to piss off. He's usually only there when the shows are on the East Coast but doesn't mean he can't catch a ride. His accent is actually very light but he's too intimidating to attract many girls. He's that friend that takes life and everything too seriously so next to Petey he's going to be coming out swinging. (Inflatable Buddy Christ- Eh, it just travels with them wherever it goes. Doing anything to Buddy Christ is asking for certain death.) Oh, last but not least- YOU! THE FANS~! Entrance theme- “Cadence to Arms” by Dropkick Murphys begins as the bagpipes speed their way through the classic and the crowd chants “Oi!” along with the bagpipes. The pyro explodes and so do the cheers! Out comes the Celtic Misfits to do whatever the agenda is. If they have to wrestle or there’s the chance of a fight then “Adorable Edwin- the Mini-MacPhisto” will also have blue battle face paint as Wallace McHaggis does (like the Scotsmen in Braveheart, the pattern usually changes). http://www.insults.net/html/swear/irish.html Gaelic swears, which he'll use. Bio: Tim Dillon burned his contract in a fury as he stormed out of the SJL life. The only problem was that included the clause where he could return to the SWF ever again. Without knowing this Dillon went back to Limerick and had to find new work. The underground knuckle boxing wasn’t enough income so he auditioned to become Linux’s mascot for the United Kingdom. However after a few too many shots of Jack Daniels Tim began rambling about Pro-IRA comments while in a British pub. An altercation broke out and Dillon was promptly fired. Insanely desperate for money he came crawling back to the SWF, where he was informed it’s not legally possible for him to return as Tim Dillon. However the bitter Alex Zennon decided there’d be absolutely no harm in having Dillon become Petey the (Irish) Penguin (due to have seen a Linux commercial with Dillon dressed up) then made Tim get back into Linux costume… never to reveal his true identity or he’s FIRED~!

Yeah, you're fly is open too. I'm at 5.6k now, by the way. Only, like, 25 people eliminated too!

Oh yes Judge, all 66th are in use right now. This show will also debut a new character, dammit!

Oh God yes! So much fun writin' this monster (shush to those who know) and wow a few bridges -might- be burnt down when this is done.

Well duh, Taamo. But he blew off his head, came back, and uh... he's in Afghanistan too! Landon don't be bitter about me getting more heat on the last HOLT report, you poopyhead.

I'll be turning something in... oooohhhh yes I will.

Nice, JD. See not only am I hyped for -hopefully- your long-lasting return... but all the hardcore matches we could see are joygasmic- JD vs Crow JD vs Dace JD vs Aecas JD vs IL JD vs Cardboard Comet Alright, nix the last one. But I must give one comment- It strikes me funny that here's all these hardcore moves then there's Ash eating a urinal puck...