5_moves_of_doom

And we cut back to the packed Delta Center in Salt Lake City, Utah, as SWF Lockdown comes back on the air! The air is filled with energy as the living contradictions that are Mormon wrestling fans wait for the first match of the night. “Citizens, welcome back to SWF LOCKDOWN! I’m the ever-vigilant Cyclone Comet,” says the masked man with his usual dramatic flare, “And joining me at the Announcer’s Table of JUSTICE~! is the ever-so-evil Robert Riley!” Bobbie rolls his eyes at the lame introduction as Comet continues on. “Tonight’s first match is an interesting one as it’s a return to the ring for one and a half men. We have “Judge” William Hearford making a return in the form of a manager for newcomer Justin Bowers.” “Bah. The man doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing anymore. Did you here him talk last time? I think senility has finality set in.” “And we also have Mark Kinxx, a man who had a very short stint in the JL, fighting for a chance to get back into the SWF after being released over a year ago.” NOW TESTIFY! Jets of red pyros shoot up from the stage as the crowd gives a modest pop coupled with some boos. As the familiar theme continues on, the former wrestler-turned-manager steps out, yielding a mix result as his charge follows along side of him as Funyon rattles off his stats. “The following match is scheduled for ONE FALL! Now entering the ring, hailing from Warren, Michigan, and weighing in at 224 pounds, being accompanied by “Justice’ William Hearford…. JUSTIN! BOOOOOOOOWERS!” A small pop for the newcomer as he gives a few waves to the crowd as he walks down the aisle and steps into the ring, with Hearford stepping up onto the apron behind him. He starts to do some stretches as the Judge starts reviewing their strategy. “Stay away from his grip; his dumb, but he’s strong enough to crush you to death if he gets his hands on you. Go for the legs, keep him on the mat, and own him from there on out.” “It looks like the Judge is giving him some solid, if simple tactics for the match. Nothing to shabby, I’d say.” “And his opponent…” Blue lights cover the stage as “Juggalo Chant” by ICP hits the speakers, and out comes the big dumb animal, bellowing out his love of peanuts. The crowd doesn’t give much of a reaction outside some scattered boos and the much more common “Who the hell is that?” remarks. “Now entering the ring, hailing from Detroit, Michigan, and weighing in at 300 pounds… MARK! KINXXXXXXX!” The stocky man plods his way down the aisle, occasionally growling at a fan or two before finally making it to the apron and climbing into the ring. He gives a final “I LOVE PEANUTS!” before going over to his corner with a demented look on his face. “Apparently that’s all he can say,” says Comet, shuffling through his notes, “Even though he hates them. Truly a tragedy.” “You think that’s a tragedy, then wait until he starts wrestling…” The referee gives a quick motion to each corner, checking if each man is ready, eliciting a “Yes” and a “I LOVE PEANUTS”, causing him to point at the timekeeper to ring the bell! *DING DING DING* And the match is underway! Kinxx is the first to react, immediately charging out of his corner like a mad bull at Bowers! Caught a little off guard by the fury of the charge, Bowers only barely manages to duck out of the way, causing Kinxx to slam into the turnbuckle. “Damn it, Justin, pay attention!” calls the Judge from the apron as the boy quickly gets off the mat and turns to face Kinxx again. The big man charges once more, but this time Bowers is ready, and he slides to the mat, scissoring Mark’s feet with his legs for a drop toe hold! The big man lands right on his face as the rookie quickly gets back up to his feet. He runs back towards the ropes as Mark gets to his hands and knees, putting him in perfect position for Justin to grab his head and slam it down with a jumping bulldog! The crowd gives a small pop for the maneuver as Kinxx is left clutching his face. “A nice move by the newcomer, but he’s going to need much more than that to take down a monster like Kinxx.” The big man gets back up to his feet, slightly dazed but otherwise okay. He faces up against the smaller Bowers, who gives a small smirk as he charges forwards, preparing to deliver a dropkick… but Kinxx is expecting it, catching the rookie’s feet right in midair. He pushes them aside, putting Bowers on the ground perpendicular to him. He immediately puts an elbow up and drops down, only barely missing the quick youngster. Once again, Hearford calls out to Bowers, telling him to “Target the legs! The legs!” “Eh, it doesn’t look like Hearford’s having much success keeping the boy to task.” “Yeah, he’s got some fire, but you can’t win with just that.” “That coming from the great flamer himself…” Shaking his head for a moment, Bowers gets up to his feet, lining himself up and making a charge forwards. He prepares to hit a crossbody… but Kinxx catches him as he stands back up, dropping forwards for a quick fall-forwards slam! ONE! TW-Easy kickout, but Kinxx isn’t done with Bowers yet. He pulls the young man up and starts delivering stiff punches to the head of the youngster. Justin stumbles backwards as Hearford watches, shaking his head in anger as the young boy gets beat back into the ropes. As he hits the side, Kinxx grabs him by the arm and tosses him to the other side with a whip, preparing a huge clothesline… … that misses! The crowd gives a small pop as the rookie ducks under it, bouncing off the other side. He comes back, and grabs Kinxx’s head in a facelock as he turns around, leaping up and spinning for a jumping Tornado DDT! A big pop for the great looking move, but he quickly covers up for a pin! ONE! TWO! TH-No! Big kickout by Kinxx! Bowers quickly jumps to his feet, as Kinxx’s slowly gets up to his. Bowers moves in, clinching a ¾ Headlock… BAM! Surprise Witness! ONE TWO THREE! “Wow, that sucked. Big time.” Says Riley with a whistle. “Well, he’s only a rookie. He needs some time to get into a grove…” says Comet as Judge shakes his head at the abortion that just took place. As the boy leaves to a mild reaction Judge pulls him aside and begins to give him a few pointers about listening to his manager. With that, we thankfully… *FADE TO COMMERCIAL*

"Start the show!" "Start the show!" "Start the show!" chanted the crowd! "Alright!" said TNT! MAIN EVENT WORLD TITLE MATCH Toxxic© vs Dace Night SINGLES MATCH Johnny Dangerous vs Landon Maddix CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH Tom Flesher vs Austin Sly TAG MATCH Andrea Montgomery & Blanka vs Ace Lezaire & M. Bison USJL CONTENDERSHIP MATCH “The Corona” Vladimir Everheart vs Martin “Big Country” Hunt HARDCORE TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH David Cross vs The Birdman FOUR WAY ELIMINATION TAG MATCH Hollywood Boulevard (Todd Cortez & Mike Van Siclen) vs The Wayward Sons (Ced Ordonez & Edward James) vs Sean Davis & Spike Jenkins vs The Masked Man & "The Icon" Max King SINGLES MATCH "The Notorious" John Duran vs Jamie Drazon SINGLES MATCH Nathan Xavier vs Candace SINGLES MATCH Justin Bowers vs Mark Kinxx

I dumped all of my old JL matches. Plenty of room now. I SACRIFICED THE TNT VS. CED ORDONEZ VS. T-BONE TABLES MATCH FOR YOU!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!? ARE YOU!?

... ... ... Explain yourself. Now. Note: And for the record, my favorite Zeppelin album is III. Sentimental value, since it was my first, but overall I just think that of all the albums, it flows best, and that Tangerine/That's the Way combo is unbeatable.

I flip that. When I first got Pinkerton, it was the bees-knees. Loved it for a long time, and still like it. As far as pure pop pleasure and overall enjoyment, the debut holds up much better. I don't think it's terribly weak on lyrics, either. As far as witty, snappy cheese goes, it's right on-point. Bang! Bang a knock on the door another big bang and you're down on the floor oh no! What do I do? Don't look now but I lost my shoe I can't run and I can't kick What's a matter babe are you feelin' sick? What's a matter, what's a matter, what's a matter you? What's a matter babe, are you feelin' blue? oh-oh! WIT~!

Oh, one more. Weezer -- Weezer (The Blue Album) -- This album is just so, so, SO lyrically weak, and just OK musically. I used to be a pretty intense Weezer fan, but now all I can stand is Pinkerton.

"Battle of Evermore" and "When the Levee Breaks" make it worth it, though. But I really shouldn't be talking. Pink Floyd has replaced Led Zeppelin for me in a big way recently, and I hardly even enjoy the band anymore. It's probably just a phase, but still, they were my third favorite band ever behind the immortal Pixies/VU combo, so this has come as quite a shock. Anyway, for me, I would say... AC/DC -- Back In Black -- For having such an intense reputation, this is quite... just "OK." Bon Scott was the better singer, but just in general, I prefer Black Sabbath A LOT in comparison to these guys. Still cherish my copy of High Voltage though. The Flaming Lips -- The Soft Bulletin -- *hides from pummeling* I'm sorry. It's a good album... but maybe I just haven't quite soaked it in. For some reason, I simply enjoy Yoshimi's stuff infinitely more. Beck -- Odelay! -- Same as above. I like the album a whole lot... I just prefer his debut to this, for some odd reason. The Sex Pistols -- Nevermind the Bollocks -- What a load of average. The Clash simply blew these guys away. That's all I've got for now. I mainly only buy the essentials, usually. Maybe I'll have a few more for later, though.

Copy/pasted from my "What Are You Listening to Right Now..." post... I meant to post in here, pretty much. "Oh, and I've also been listening to Nico's first solo album... (Great stuff... a few songs go on a bit too long, but usually it's appropriate, and overall this is one of the most sad, melancholy records I've ever heard, while still somehow uplifting and warm at times. Hrmph.) ...Beck's Mutations... (I'd only heard his first two records and was under the impression that Beck could do no wrong. Well, he can. This is decent, if not good, but just not up to par with Odelay, and especially Mellow Gold, which I enjoy slightly more.) ...the Ugly Cassanova album... (Great stuff... can't believe I didn't discover this earlier... the only problem is that most of the tracks sound more like soundscapes than actual songs, but for some reason, it feels like that's the way it should be, and I quite like it.) ...and finally, The Madcap Laughs by Syd Barret. (Songs are hit and miss, but overall it's a great documentation of Syd's downward spiral into madness. It's especially haunting because a lot of the time, it's not Syd just going crazy in your face in any way whatsoever. A lot of the tracks are quite sad, because they seem normal enough, and you can tell that Syd's just trying to write some normal, harmless pop songs, but you can always hear the underlying madness if you listen close enough. That's what I like the most about this record -- it's not obvious for the most part. You really have to listen, but once your in Syd's world and are totally engrossed in the album, it's a thouroughly interesting and sad journey.)" Also, I picked up Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music" yesterday. Eek. How soothing.

Oh, and I've also been listening to Nico's first solo album... (Great stuff... a few songs go on a bit too long, but usually it's appropriate, and overall this is one of the most sad, melancholy records I've ever heard, while still somehow uplifting and warm at times. Hrmph.) ...Beck's Mutations... (I'd only heard his first two records and was under the impression that Beck could do no wrong. Well, he can. This is decent, if not good, but just not up to par with Odelay, and especially Mellow Gold, which I enjoy slightly more.) ...the Ugly Cassanova... (Great stuff... can't believe I didn't discover this earlier... the only problem is that most of the tracks sound more like soundscapes than actual songs, but for some reason, it feels like that's the way it should be, and I quite like it.) ...and finally, The Madcap Laughs by Syd Barret. (Songs are hit and miss, but overall it's a great documentation of Syd's downward spiral into madness. It's especially haunting because a lot of the time, it's not Syd just going crazy in your face in any way whatsoever. A lot of the tracks are quite sad, because they seem normal enough, and you can tell that Syd's just trying to write some normal, harmless pop songs, but you can always hear the underlying madness if you listen close enough. That's what I like the most about this record -- it's not obvious for the most part. You really have to listen, but once your in Syd's world and are totally engrossed in the album, it's a thouroughly interesting and sad journey.) And that's all for me right now.

Lou Reed -- "Metal Machine Music Pt. 1" ...Uhm...

Please do. That was always my favorite... though I simply have a thing for double-albums, so I'm totally biased. But still. It's Godliness, and stuff, so rate it. Oh, and for me, putting the VU albums in order has always been impossible. The first 3 have constantly alternated as far as my favorite one goes (though most of the time I like the first one the best simply due to "Heroin,") but oddly enough, Loaded has never been my least favorite at any given point. It's always solidly in the 2nd or 3rd place spot. So that's... wacky, and stuff.

OK Computer and The Bends are considered to be the two essentials by just about anyone that you would ask. I like the former better as an entire album, but I like the latter better song-for-song... so I just advise that you pick up both. That should be enough to start you out. I'm not sure if you wanted me to suggest albums or just individual songs. By the way, does anyone have an in-depth scoop on the band's state at the moment? I heard that they were taking a hiatus or something... I've heard several different things about what their plans are though, and I'm not sure what to believe.

Hrmph. Funny. Birdland and Free Money are two of my favorites, falling just short of Gloria and Land status. Birdland does get a bit tiring though due to the length and the lack of the song really... evolving... into anything, but I still like it a lot. Nice mood to it. And I've been meaning to pick up Spiderland for eight months now. I think I'll finally go for it.

I'll make this as short and sweet as I possibly can. Just picked up one of Built to Spill's albums. Thought it was really good. Coincidentially, I discovered that they're playing near me in 10 days for $16. So, the question is -- for anyone who knows much about them -- are they any good live? Would it be worth it? Thanks to anyone who answers. Sorry the post is so brief, but I just want to know as soon as possible.

Eh, it does for the Velvet Underground. There are few songs on the four main VU albums period that I would rate below a 7. I can't name one off the top of my head, actually.

Let's see... that's my favorite album ever, so I'll start with that. Don't expect too many low scores. Sunday Morning 10 I'm Waiting for the Man 9 Femme Fatale 9 Venus in Furs 10 Run Run Run 8 All Tomorrow's Parties 9 Heroin 10 There She Goes Again 8 I'll Be Your Mirror 9 The Black Angel's Death Song 9 European Son 10 Aaaaaand then... well, I tried rating "The Lonesome Crowded West," and had a mental breakdown, so that's it for me. I can't do these sorts of things.

I think I'm going to go ahead and give them a try. Not much to lose, seeing as how it's only $16 or $17.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. "Love them all" may have been a slight overstatement, but I think I'd definitely like them. Wilco and Interpol have both impressed me mightily before, and Morrissey's solo career has been "OK," but the two or three songs I heard off of his new album sounded anywhere between quite good and really good. As for Loretta Lynn, I will admit that that might have been a semi-blind statement, but I though I'm not the most intense White Stripes fan, I trust Jack White, and more to the point, trust the various people who have told me nothing but good things about the album. Anyway... yes, I'm specifically interested in the Wilco here. Does anyone have any opinions on that that they'd like to share with me? How does it match up to their last two albums? Oh, and someone tell me who TV on the Radio are, puh-leeze.

Hrm, this year actually hasn't been half bad. The new Modest Mouse was "eh" for me at first, and then I loved it for a while, but listening to it a bit too much sort of ruined it too much, whereas their older albums have faired well even after the most obsessive listening imaginable. That said, overall, the album is great, my favorite track being "Bukowski," one of the band's best songs to date, in my opinion. However, it's hard to notice that the last third of the album is not quite as spiffy as the first two thirds. A lot of the slower songs like "Blame it On the Tetons" are kind of "eh," which is quite sad seeing as how Modest Mouse has put out some of the prettier songs of the '90's. The new Sonic Youth amazes me. Over twenty years of making music, and they're still this good... wow. In my opinion, this even tops Murray Street. Hell, it tops Dirty (it should be noted that I didn't like Dirty too much, though.) The first track and "Unmade Bed" drew me into the album at first, but now I love most every song. I'm a huge Sonic Youth mark, so it's a given that I like this album, but fortunately, I haven't heard of anyone DISLIKING this album yet, so it's not just me. And if not anything, you at least have to respect them for lasting this long and still putting out important music. I really need to see them live on this tour or the next one, before it's too late. ...Actually, come to think of it, old artists making good music abound this year. Patti Smith, Prince, and the Beastie Boys, oh my! The Fantomas albums is... interesting. I'm not sure if I like it or what, but it definitely intrigued me, so I'll include it here. I'm interested in seeing what they do next. I have not heard the Morrissey, Wilco, Interpol, or Loretta Lynn, but something tells me I'd love them all. So... the rundown... - Good News for People Who Love Bad News - Sonic Nurse - Trampin' - Musicology - To the Five Boroughs - Delirium Cordia - more to come... As I said, this year doesn't look half bad... but it's kind of sad that pretty much everyone on there has been around since forever. Someone give me a band that's only one or two records into their career that I can love, please? Is the Franz Ferdinand really worth picking up?

The Smarks Wrestling Federation Proudly Presents… SWF SMARKDOWN!!! Monday, June 28th!!! LIVE from THE BEAUTIFUL ROSENBLATT STADIUM IN OMAHA, NEBRASKA!! (send all shenanigans to: realitycheck) RIDICULOUS DEBUT AGAINST TWO ESTABLISHED VETERANS!! Munich vs. Manson vs. Rob Gilbert ~ Rob Gilbert’s debut match is… against two guys who have been in this fed since I was born. Wow. In theory, he’d be doomed… but a win here really could impress the bookers backstage. Quite a bit. An out-of-character note to Munich and Manson: If you do not show, you will die. That is all. Rules: Triple-threat rules. First man to get a pin or submission wins. I’m confused as to what the DQ/count-out rules are in a typical triple-threat, but… well, just don’t end your match in a DQ. Simple enough. Word Limit: 3800 Marker: Suicide King NEWBIE GETS CHANCE TO BOUNCE OFF OF LOSS BY FIGHTING A MAN IN A PENGUIN SUIT!! Heath Black vs. Petey the Irish Penguin ~ Newbie Heath Black lost his debut match here in the SWF, but he has a chance to redeem himself here by fighting a… man in a giant penguin suit. Yeah, don’t ask. Rules: Standard. Word Limit: 3800 Marker: Grand Slam NEWBIE GETS CHANCE TO CONTINUE WINNING STREAK BY FIGHTING FORMER REFEREE!! "The Icon" Max King vs. Ced Ordonez ~ Max King won his first match. Can he win his second?? This match has been built up for MONTHS and now this epic feud is finally ready to be blown off!! WHO WILL WIN?? Rules: Standard. Word Limit: 4001 Marker: realitycheck CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE DEFENSE ALREADY?? CRAAAAAZY!! Martin “Big Country” Hunt vs. Austin Sly© ~ Hunt won his first match here in the SWF in impressive fashion, and… just on an impulse, if you will, he’s IMMEDIATELY been given a shot at the newly-crowned SWF Cruiserweight Champion!! Wowza! Both men are in a very good way right now in the SWF, coming off of two pretty important victories, but only one can continue their streak. Which man will it be? There’s only one way to find out. BATTLE! Rules: Cruiserweight Rules. Word Limit: 4500 Marker: Suicide King HARDCORE TITLE SHOT CASH-IN!! Ryan Dustin vs. Mike Van Siclen© ~ MVS is coming off a pretty hard loss at the hands of Danny Williams from the last show, but Dustin’s got a title shot, and he wants that shot now. hArDK0Re. Rules: Uh, none. Duh. Word Limit: 5000 Marker: Thoth #1 CONTENDERSHIP FOR SWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE!! “Deathwish” Danny Williams vs. Toxxic ~ Since Tom was supposed to compete against Janus tonight for the World Title, these two were supposed to be competing to see who was next in line for the title. But, since things have turned out the way they have… this is to decide who gets to compete in DOUBLE #1 COMPETITOR WACKINESS~! for the World Title. Hurray at Zed throwing a wrench into the World Title shot machine. Rules: Standard. Word Limit: 5800 Marker: chirs3 ICTV CHAMPION IS IMMEDIATELY SENTENCED TO DEATH IN BOILER ROOM BRAWL!! Jay Dawg vs. Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix© ~ One might say “Oh, huzzah! Maddix is our new ICTV Champ! He deserves rest!” But I might punch one out. Ohohohoho. Rest is for sissies. Fighting the most hardcore competitor to ever grace the SWF in a Boiler Room Brawl is for REAL men. Good luck. Rules: I think you both know this one. Both men start out in the boiler room of the stadium, and kill eachother. But the killing should slowly work its way towards the ring, and whoever enters the ring and collects the ICTV belt from referee Anthony Michael Hall first is the winner, and the champion. For stadium lay-out and whatnot… be creative. Word Limit: 6000 Marker: Grand Slam TOM CASHES IN ON TITLE SHOT… JANUS SUSPENDED… FIGHTS JOHNNY DANGEROUS INSTEAD!! “The Superior One” Tom Flesher vs. Johnny Dangerous ~ Tom was all set to go on his #1 contendership for the World Title tonight, but unfortunately, the World champion himself has been temporarily suspended. The obvious replacement, of course, was… Johnny Dangerous. Some might question this line of thinking, seeing as how Dangerous is coming off of a loss to Austin Sly for his Cruiserweight Title here, and Tom’ll probably be pretty ticked off that he’s not getting the title shot that’s rightfully his, but… well, let’s just see what happens. This should be interesting. Rules: Standard Singles Match. Excitement. Word Limit: 6000 Marker: realitycheck

I'm listening to this... Fantomas... thing... ... ...Uhhhh... Actually, I've gotten past the point where any music has even a remote chance of weirding me out, and I quite like it (and want more,) but still. Is 20 minutes of record hiss really necessary? And *I* probably find this a lot LESS pretentious than most people. Oh, also listening to the Oysterhead album. Rock on.

woo.

Ohohohohoho, don't get the wrong idea, there. I work FROM bed. And yeah, I fought JD in a Boiler Room Brawl match at some point... and it's really the only match I've ever lost where I think that I was ROBBED~! ROBBED I SAY!!! That said, I've got no idea on his version, though I've got my copy lying around here somewhere, I believe. It was evidentially close, at least.

All you no-showers are dumb. That's my only comment on the show, really. I think just about every match on the card was a default win, though the matches that ended up being posted were good all around. Check out the surprise match. It's... SURPRISING! The card will not be going up for a while. I'm leaving to Idaho in a day and I've got to sort some shit out, and on top of that my internet speed is being a bitch. It'll be up eventually, though.

Fade in. From black to a rather homely looking office, the camera lightens to show a close up of the ICTV title, having been cleaned and polished after its disrespectful forgoing by the world champion. The camera pulls back to reveal the belt over the shoulder of interim SWF commissioner Alexander Zenon, who (as always) has a sour expression on his face. "Tonight," Zenon begins, idly tapping the hand of his free arm on his desk, "The SWF Intercontinental-Television Title will be contsted in an inproptu matchup, so that a new champion may be determined." Pause. "A new champion that, I hope, will treat the belt with significantly more respect than the last one did... Terrence 'Janus' Bailey," Alex almost spits out the name. "From the moment that I replaced Mark Stevens a few months ago, it was made abundantly clear that Janus was going to be a large, thorny issue to me. I attempted to deal with him swiftly, calmly, and... passive aggressively." Alex rests his face against his free hand, twitching a moment as he speaks, "Unlike... other certain charges. I allowed him to reach the top of the SWF unabbaited, leaving any of his issues... personal or otherwise... to be dealt with in the ring. I tried to act as the consummate professional, put aside any problems I myself had with Janus, and allow other wrestlers such as 'Deathwish' Danny Williams and... Toxxic," Alex grits his teeth, "To handle him for me. "And in this, I have failed," Zenon's eyes narrow as he speaks. "His actions with the Intercontintental-Television title on Storm have forced my hand; I will have to interject myself into Janus' affairs, regardles of whether or not Dace Night can do in the ring tonight what no-one else seems to be capable of." Alex finishes that line with a smirk, and then turns slightly in his char, "Janus aside... the ICTV title will be fought for in a singles match between Ace Lezaire and Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix, two men I'm confident can bring back a bit of esteem to the belt," says Alex with a bit of a chuckle. "So in closing... consider this a compliment, Chris Card, because I won't give you many. And it's nothing more, so don't get any fishy ideas just because I've decided to be a little benevolent. As for you, Janus," Zenon adopts a serious expression, and leans in towards the camera. "I know you're watching. Do not fuck with me again, Bailey." Alex mutters 'enjoy the show' and slowly pulls away, standing from his chair and walking out of the picture, as we fade...