JHawk

"This game could have gone either way."

"control pitcher". I would hope so if he made it to the major league level.

I find the basketball expression "taking it into the hole" to be really perverted and disgusting for some reason. There are children watching for crying out loud!

I didn't say I was advocating a 32-school format, I was just using it hypothetically to prove my point.

Aren't finishes like that one ofthe main reasons the AWA folded in the first place?

The biggest argument against a playoff system is how long it would take. Another bullshit reason. Ohio State's last game before last night was November 18. Conference championships ended December 1. Assuming a playoff featured 32 schools, had it started the weekend of December 8 and ended with the special Monday night championship, the championship game would have still been last night anyway. Not to mention that more people would have tuned into a playoff game than a bowl game between two random 7-5 schools that wouldn't have otherwise been in contention for a postseason game. And this way Boise State would have at least had a shot at a national championship. And if finishing undefeated doesn't give you that opportunity, why the fuck are you on the field playing the games in the first place?

Hell, I was supposed to referee a Marty Jannetty match a few months ago but he cancelled because WWE rehired him, so I missed the firing at some point too.

Come on. What? And the Kip up is more of a spot than move. Same goes for Skinning the Cat. That's like saying Bret Hart's chest first turnbuckle bump is apart of his move set. ARM-bar. arm-BAR. He forgot those two.

As I understand it, that show was in Kelly's hometown. High school friends of hers, maybe?

Umaga wins the title so Cena can regain it at the Rumble. Rated RKO via DQ. Hardy. Victoria (leading to Mickie regaining at WrestleMania). Kenny. Carlito.

For a case of booking like that worked very well, find a copy of Starrcade 91 and find the Sting/Abdullah the Butcher vs. Bobby Eaton/Brian Pillman match. Abby spends the entire match trying to take out Sting and Pillman's spending the entire match trying to keep Sting from getting killed. Brilliant stuff.

I don't know, the show at Milliway's was fun. In general though. yeah, bad idea.

Smarks Board Name: JHawk Wrestlers Name: "The Dean of Professional Wrestling" Jay Hawke Height: 5'9" Weight: 215 Hometown: Cleveland, OH Age: 30 Face/Heel: Heel Stable: None officially Ring Escort: Weapon(s): lead pipe Quote: "You're going to be taught a wrestling lesson you'll never forget, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it!" Looks: Hawke comes to the ring wearing a Ric Flair-esque purple and black robe. He keeps his light brown hair cut short and usually remains clean-shaven, although he'll grow a goatee on occasion. Once in the ring, he removes his robes, showing a well-built but not too muscular frame. He wears black tights with "Dean" written in purple down both legs and "Class is in session" in purple on his ass. He finishes his ensemble with a pair of black boots with purple soles and laces. Ring Entrance: "Learning to Fly" by Pink Floyd comes on the PA as the lights dim. Ring Announcer: Introducing...from the Hall of Fame City of Cleveland, Ohio, and weighing in at 215 pounds...he is "The Dean of Professional Wrestling"...Jay Hawke! A spotlight shines on Jay Hawke as he makes his way to the ring. As Hawke makes his way onto the ring apron, he takes off his robe, folds it, and hands it to the ring attendant. Then he stands up on the turnbuckle with both arms in the air as the crowd boos. Stats: ¯¯¯¯¯ Strength: 4 Speed: 6 Vitality: 5 Charisma: 5 Style: Jay Hawke relies on technical wrestling but can take to the air if need be. Signature moves: Fujiwara armbar shoulderbreaker short arm scissors Rings of Saturn dragon sleeper blockbuster front facelock into a DDT (NOT a transition move and designed to KO an opponent) surfboard Common moves: belly-to-back superplex chokehold diving headbutt faceslam legdrop swinging neckbreaker sunset flip roundhouse kick camel clutch inverted DDT onto the knee springboard lariat tilt-a-whirl backbreaker leg lariat backflip cradle German suplex STF Rare moves: Burning Hammer diamond dust Finishers: Jay Hawke's primary finisher is a submission hold called the Wing Span. It's a crossface chickenwing with a twist, as Hawke uses his legs to scissor the opponent's other arm. His secondary finisher is a moonsault called the Hawke Swoop, but it's notable because instead of landing with a bodypress, he lands with a kneedrop onto his opponent. This is only to be used in extreme situations where the Wing Span hasn't worked and should not be debuted until a title is on the line. Notes: Jay Hawke is out of an old school cloth where he prefers to wear down a body part to weaken it for the finish. Notice that most of his common moves affect the neck and back, while the signature moves mostly affect the arms. Once he begins to use the signature moves, odds are it's just a matter of time before the Wing Span comes into play. Bio: Jay Hawke began wrestling September 12, 1996, losing to Knightrous in the now-defunct High Octane Wrestling Federation. It was a minor setback, as he would win the HOWF Tag Team Title once and the HOWF National Title twice, retiring the latter title in March 1997. From there, he moved onto the High Impact Wrestling Federation based out of Cleveland. Although he wrestled largely in tag team matches in the HIWF (holding the HIWF Tag Team Title seven times), he holds the record as the longest-reigning HIWF World Champion (five months), as well as multiple reigns as United States and Hardcore Champion. He also had a cup of coffee with the Missouri Wrestling Alliance Cruiserweight Title in 2000. Hawke's career took a setback in 2002 when he retired after suffering his second serious neck injury in as many years. He has spent the last two years training promising wrestlers at the Legion of Pain Compound in Cleveland, but has gotten the itch to return to the ring. Accomplishments since joining the SWF: SWF USJL Champion (5 days) SWF World Tag Team Champion (35 days) SWF International Champion (twice -- 29 days, current since 13th Hour 2005). The current International Title reign is the longest uninterrupted title reign in SWF history, and Hawke loves to rub it in everybody's face. TAG TEAM STATS Team Name: The Predators (w/Nighthawk) Combined Weight: 500 Escort: Falcon Entrance: The arena goes dark, lightning strikes go off at the top of the ramp, and a spotlight follows them as the team comes out to Pink Floyd's "Learning to Fly". Make this as elaborate as need be, as you know these arrogant SOBs are gonna flaunt themselves. Finisher: Crash Landing. Nighthawk holds one opponent up on his shoulders, and Jay Hawke leaps off the top rope, taking the opponent down with a Frankensteiner (rana, huracanrana, call it what you will). NOTE: The Predators have been teaming up for some ten years at this point, so if there's a double team move in existence, they probably know it, and they might know a few that aren't on the books. Remember, they're heels, so cheap tactics and double teaming are not only allowed, they're encouraged

In as Cheat2Win and on top of the board for probably the only time all season.

What I don't understand about changing Benoit's finisher (although it doesn't bother me) is why the 20-year veteran has to change his finishing move of ten years for a guy who didn't start wrestling until after the move became Benoit's finisher.

Death wish?

I'd have called the guy and told him to paint my house. Then I wouldn't have paid him. That would have been fun.

Why are we arguing over a match from several years ago? Obviously WC's match won legit since it was his match, and not Tom's, that everybody can read in the archives.

Having not seen the best of ECW show due to lack of interest...did RVD-Holly extreme rules at least get some sort of mention? I mean, since that's the one ECW-style match they've had since the relaunch and all, you'd think they'd include it.

The fact that those aren't the requirements for every single job in the known universe is scary, isn't it?

How sad is it that there's very likely going to be at least one playoff team that barely finished .500?

There's still a Fox Sports channel?

That reminds me of Newsradio when Mr. James had his book translated into Japanese and then back into English.

This admittedly sucks, but since Raynor actually liked the finish I figured I might as well throw it in. ---------------- As Crimson Yuletide returns from an in house advertisement for the Ashes 2 Ashes DVD, we get a shot of the ring, as a pole is set up in each corner. At the top of each pole is a platform. On each platform is a gift-wrapped box. Francis: "Crimson Yuletide is once again on the air, and we have a fantastic match coming your way for the Hardcore Championship here tonight. Jimmy the Doom is set to defend his title against not one, not two, but three opponents." King: "By the time this match is over, not only is somebody walking out of here with the hardcore championship belt around their waist, but quite possibly somebody is walking out of there with a brand new car." Francis: "We'll let Funyon get to the rules in just a few moments, but let's take a quick look at how this match came about." King: "Well, last week on Lockdown, Jay Hawke was scheduled to meet Jimmy the Doom in a hardcore match, but he chose to forfeit that match rather than fight because the title was not on the line." Francis: "Well, nobody can say Joseph Peters isn't charitable this time of year. He has given Jay Hawke a shot at the title tonight, but Peters has added Insane Luchador and Devin Benson into the mix tonight." King: "Well, these are four guys who only have one thing in common. They want to win. Because winning brings more mony, money buys more stuff, and having more stuff is the most important thing. That's the spirit of Christmas, you know." Francis: "Leave it to you to bastardize the season of giving. Anyway, why don't we let Funyon take things from here? Funyon?" Funyon: "Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a Christmas Gift Match scheduled for one fall for the SWF Hardcore Championship!" "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Funyon: "There are four gifts hanging above the ring from poles. During the course of the match, each wrestler is allowed to climb one pole and grab one giftwrapped box, then open it up. Whatever a wrestler opens is his Christmas present, and it's legal for him to use during the match! One lucky wrestler will receive the keys a brand-new Porsche 9-11!" "Learning to Fly" by Pink Floyd comes on the PA as the lights dim. Funyon: "Introducing...from the Hall of Fame City of Cleveland, Ohio, and weighing in at 215 pounds...he is "The Dean of Professional Wrestling"...Jay Hawke!" A spotlight shines on Jay Hawke as he makes his way to the ring. As Hawke makes his way onto the ring apron, he takes off his robe, folds it, and hands it to the ring attendant. Then he stands up on the turnbuckle with both arms in the air as the crowd boos. Francis: "Nothing fancy from Hawke here tonight, King. He simply comes to the ring focused and ready to go." King: "Just the way it should be, Mak. Hey, depending on what is in those gift boxes, this could be a bloody, violent matchup. There's no time for tomfoolery or screwing around." The arena darkens as "Poison Godmachine" by Nevermore plays over the PA, and the aisleway fills with smoke as red strobe lights fill the aisle. Funyon: "Introducing next, from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 185 pounds ... Devin Benson!" Francis: "This guy might be the dark horse in this whole thing, King. A solid showing here, and he might very well pull off the upset." King: "I don't know, Mak. I think he's going to be so far out of his element here that he's not going to stand a chance!" "Man in the Box” by Alice in Chains begins and a surge of red and black, yes black, pyrotechnics goes off. Insane Luchador emerges from the lingering smoke and energetically throws his arms up into the air to rally the crowd. Funyon: "From Easton, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 223 pounds ... 'Your Psychotic Hero' ... INSANE LUCHADOR!" Insane Luchador then sprints down the aisle while slapping fans’ hands until he hits ringside, where he slides into the ring, roll up, and then waits for his final opponent. Francis: "Now here's a guy who is far from out of his element, King!" King: "No, but let's be honest here. Last year, Jay Hawke hit this guy with a DDT that injured him for so long that people thought he was dead. And he's going to chance being injured like that again here?" Francis: "He's got that fighting spirit, King." King: "And that gives him an excuse to commit career suicide?" The arena lights go out suddenly and two columns of hooded druids/monks/acolytes/Jedis march down the ramp and to the ring, chanting “Doom” the entire time. They place themselves against the crowd barriers, facing the ring, but leaving a gap from the entrance ramp open. The lights come back on, the chanting stops immediately, and Boots Randolph’s “Yakety Sax” plays over the speakers. Funyon: "And accompanied to the ring by Lois the Unethical ... from Doomopolis, Doomtopia ... weighing in at 230 pounds ... the SWF Hardcore Champion ... JIMMY THE DOOM!" Jimmy the Doom and Lois the Unethical walk down the ramp, then Jimmy shouts try to catch me. He weaves in and out from between the druids, now not only spreading along the aisle, but also among many of the displays throughout Santa's Village. Lois doesn't even try to humor Jimmy, who is too busy zigzagging through the druids to notice. Francis: "Well, this is certainly one of the ... um... most ... unique entrances in SWF history." King: "Well, he does list Wonko the Sane and Marge Schott as his role models, so I can't say I'm surprised." Jimmy the Doom finally enters the ring, looking at Lois and going, "Nyah nyah, you missed me!" With that, referee Nick Soapdish takes the title belt from him and holds it over his head. Francis: "It looks like we're just about ready to get this one underway!" King: "Thank God. That entrance was right out of the Vince Russo playbook, and that is not a good thing." DING DING DING! At the bell, the three challengers start to move in toward each other, but Jimmy the Doom stops them. As the three men look at each other in confusion, Jimmy points at the corners and says "Gifts first!" The challengers look at each other and shrug their shoulders, and Jay Hawke nods, saying "What a Doomtabulous idea!" Jimmy jumps up and down and claps like a junior high school cheerleader about to have her first kiss and makes his way to a corner. As he starts climbing, all three challengers charge, hitting a triple dropkick into the back that sends Jimmy the Doom face-first into the pole. Francis: "Well, Jimmy had an idea that they might as well grab the weapons first, but it seems the challengers had something else in mind entirely." King: "Well, one thing we should point out is this isn't an elimination style four way. The first fall wins it." Knowing that, the three challengers begin trading forearm blows in the center of the ring. A solid shot from Devin Benson sends Jay Hawke sprawling back into the corner, leaving Benson and Luchador to their warring forearms. Sensing an opportunity, Jay Hawke begins to climb in the corner. Francis: "And Jay Hawke makes his first attempt at getting one of those presents." King: "I personally hope that's the corner with the midget stripper. She's a hottie." Francis: "What?" Jay Hawke has made his way to the top rope just as Devin Benson dropsaults Insane Luchador, who takes a tumble to the corner near Jimmy the Doom. Benson immediately charges after Hawke, leaps, springboards off the top rope, then dropkicks Hawke in the ribs. Hawke tumbles off the top rope to the floor, hitting the concrete floor hard. Francis: "Impressive move by Devin Benson in the early going here!" King: "It looked impressive, and it takes Hawke out of the equation, but moves like that could be the death of him if he tries them too often!" As Benson soaks in the cheers of the crowd, Jimmy the Doom makes his way to his feet, stumbling around like a 62-year-old man who had a few too many drinks the night before. Or Terry Funk after a chairshot. Either description works. Benson walks over and dropkicks him, and Jimmy is down and rolls to the floor as Insane Luchador gets to all fours. With that, Benson steps on Insane Luchador's back, using him as a stepping stone to begin his climb up a corner. King: "Here we go! Grab something and bloody something with it!" As Benson reaches the top rope, Insane Luchador reaches up and grabs a hold of Benson before climbing up after him. He locks in a waistlock then falls backwards, releasing him on the way down but not preventing himself from taking a hard tumble himself. "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Francis: "Release German suplex off the top rope, and while I'm sure the Luchador got the best of it, he didn't exactly land with a lot of flair!" King: "That's the problem with matches like these! Getting the gifts off the poles isn't necessary to win the match, but it's simply too inviting to pass up! That leads to big moves and risks that don't necessarily need done!" Jay Hawke crawls into the ring, with Jimmy the Doom climbing in a second or two later. Hawke, probably taking the champion a little too lightly, moves in quickly, only to get caught with a karate kick to the thigh that buckles his legs. Jimmy then unleashes a series of martial arts kicks to the legs, breaking the challenger down until he's on both knees with his head bowed down. A roundhouse kick catches Hawke in the temple, and Hawke collapses to the mat in a heap as the crowd goes wild: "JIMMY! JIMMY! JIMMY!" Jimmy takes a moment to do the Cabbage Patch for the fans, unaware that Insane Luchador has made his way to his feet behind him. IL doesn't even wait for the champion to turn around, instead catching him in mid-cabbage patch with a rear naked choke. Francis: "This could do it right here! If Jimmy taps or passes out, Insane Luchador will win the championship without a weapon being used!" King: "A hardcore title match without a weapon used? Why not a cruiserweight match with two 350 pounders while we're at it?" Jimmy the Doom is starting to fade, and Insane Luchador pulls him down to the mat for the full effect of the hold. As he tightens in the hold, Devin Benson appears out of nowhere, coming in with a baseball slide that catches IL in the head to break the hold. Francis: "And Devin Benson breaks the hold before it can put Jimmy the Doom out." King: "What happens if this match ends before somebody wins the car?" Francis: "I don't know. Knowing Peters, he'll try keeping the car for himself." King: "Maybe he'll give it to me for my Christmas bonus." Devin Benson begins to climb the turnbuckle, reaching the top rope in fairly short order. He begins to climb up the pole, unaware that Jay Hawke is behind him.... "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Francis: "Low blow!" Hawke then shoves Benson off the pole, and he hits the ring apron as he falls to the floor. Hawke then begins his own slow climb up the pole to try to get his gift. Francis: "Jay Hawke is once again making his way up that pole, looking for that first Christmas gift of the contest!" King: "And it appears as though he's going to make it up there, Mak!" Hawke reaches up for the gift on the platform, getting one hand on it. As he reaches up to cradle it, Devin Benson climbs onto the apron. Out of a combination of desperation and instinct, he leaps, grabbing the ringpost, swinging around it, and kicking Hawke in the face to knock him back into the ring. With the Dean of Wrestling landing hard, Benson decides to climb up the pole himself. Francis: "What a move!" Devin Benson reaches up and pulls down the first gift box, and he pulls off the lid to reveal a pair of brass knuckles. King: "Good! It's about damn time somebody gets to use a weapon against somebody tonight!" Devin Benson comes down from the pole and slides the brass knuckles over his fingers, unaware that Insane Luchador is standing behind him. As he turns around, he is met by a kick to the midsection, which is followed by an implant DDT that lays him out flat on the canvas. Seemingly, this would be the perfect opportunity to go for a pin, but Insane Luchador instead decides he wants to climb up one of the poles. Francis: "Insane Luchador making his way up the pole now. Could be taking a big chance here." King: "As is everybody else." Francis: "This is true." Jimmy the Doom has regained his bearings as well (at least as much as Jimmy the Doom can), and he is actually climbing up the corner on the opposite end of the ring. Francis: "But Jimmy the Doom is coming up on the other side as well!" King: "There's a 67% chance that somebody's about to win a car right here!" Each man grabs a gift box and removes the lids to look inside. For Insane Luchador, he holds up the keys to a brand new Porsche 9-11. Francis: "Luchador gets the car and Jimmy gets...?" King: "A rubber chicken?" Indeed, Jimmy the Doom hops off of the turnbuckle with a rubber chicken in his hand. Weighted of course. I mean, how much damage could a rubber chicken do otherwise? At any rate, The Insane One hops off his corner as well, and the two men charge, hitting each other with a double clothesline and falling to the mat, dropping their gifts on the mat. This is an opportunity for Jay Hawke, who has rolled to the corner in the middle of all the confusion. He climbs up the last turnbuckle, hellbent on making this last gift count. He opens the gift box and pulls out... ... ...a piece of paper? Francis: "What?" King: "What's he going to do with that, get somebody to bleed to death via paper cut?" Hawke looks quizzically at the paper, then smiles, showing it to referee Nick Soapdish. Soapdish looks it over with a puzzled look on his face, then shrugs his shoulders and calls for the bell. DING DING DING! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Francis: "What the...?" King: "I think the Clusterfuck just came about six weeks early. I'm confused." Nick Soapdish heads over to confirm with Funyon, grabbing the title belt as the conversation ends. Funyon: "Ladies and gentlemen, the gift box Jay Hawke opened had a note on official SWF letterhead signed by Joseph Peters, which says the following: Congratulations. Grab the hardcore belt and go. My Christmas gift to you? You are the hardcore champion. Therefore, the winner of this match ... and new SWF Hardcore Champion ... JAY HAWKE!" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT!" Francis: "I've got to agree with the crowd in this one, King." King: "Hell, I've got to agree with the crowd. What the hell was the point of this match if grabbing the gift box was enough for a victory?" Francis: "At any rate, that ends what had been shaping up to be a fantastic match, but we have other matches that are guaranteed to please coming your way in just a matter of moments!"

Now if Cornette would challenge segments that he's not in, we might get something more than Clusterfuck shows out of Impact. Never mind.