JHawk

What's wrong? Don't they have rednecks of Japanese descent?

I've been writing is as if the pin must take place in the ring but that the action can go anywhere. If it *does* mean FCA then it shouldn't take more than a couple minutes of editing to fix it, so either way's cool with me.

I'll take all of that into consideration, but clarification on the finish... Manson's vitality is like an 8 or something, so it wouldn't have felt right if I just went for the quick tap out. Character-wise, he probably never would have tapped out, and I've rarely seen a quick passout that didn't feel flait.

Lance Storm got on the mic at an ECW House Show while fighting Super Crazy, and said "What are you saying USA for? I'm Canadian and he's from Mexico. What are you, a bunch of idiots?" I was at that house show, and the crowd almost immediately began chanting "Mexico" to get on Storm's case. Classic shit. And yes, Hassan should just start calling everybody who chants "USA" during his matches idiots.

A few notes before you read this: I understand you've all read the show, so I didn't want to do full PBP like I normally would. But I also wanted to make sure this felt like an actual recap From JHawk's Beak. So I tried to just get the storylines across and point out key things I liked (or didn't like). Also, outside of the main event, the comments about "That looked like a pin" on false finishes are just in character comments and not necessarily criticisms of the matches. Without any further ado... SWF Battleground from JHawk’s Beak By Jared “JHawk” Hawkins We are L-I-V-E LIVE from the Alamodome in San Antonio, Texas! Your hosts are Longdogger Pete and Suicide King! Barroom Brawl: Arch Griffon vs. Mohammed Koran (w/Haram Nazeer) Clearly pretaped, as the commentary gives the impression that this was to air later in the card. This is taking place from the “Brawling Titty” in San Antonio. Named such so patrons can tell their buddies they went to the titty bar. Koran gives a redneck the Arabian Pride before the match starts. That would have gotten him banned for life from any bar I ever went to, but I don’t have three teeth and call my sister “honey” either. Griffon flicks a cigarette into Koran’s face, and we’re underway. Nazeer gets thrown through a window early to make things 1-on-1. Cute spot where a coonskin cap falls off the wall, and Griffon pretends to be Davy Crockett. Griffon dominates early, even sliding Koran completely down the bar, but Koran regains the advantage by tossing Griffon into a mirror. Griffon’s busted wide open, but still manages to counter the Arabian Pride with the Gridlock. He’s too exhausted to hold onto the move. Nice touch. Sensing time’s running out, Griffon hits a cradle piledriver (dubbed the “Arch Nemesis”) for the pin at 6:28. Short, but some good stuff while it lasted. ** Griffon’s got enough left in him to super kick Nazeer before walking out of the bar. Video package for JJ Johnson vs. Insane Luchador. One fall with a 30-minute time limit for the #1 Contendership to the SWF International Championship: “The Dean of Professional Wrestling” Jay Hawke vs. Manson Logically, Hawke should go over here since he’s been chasing Johnny Dangerous for this championship anyway. Manson has control for the opening couple of minutes, but the match is almost completely Jay Hawke’s after Manson misses a charge and hits the ringpost. Manson makes the big comeback, but clotheslines the referee. There’s the Consequences and the cover, but there’s no referee, so Hawke hits Manson in the shoulder with a lead pipe before locking in the Wing Span. Manson passes out after over two minutes in the hold, giving Jay the victory in 18:27. Very slow start and too much brawling outside the ring, but the finish should put Manson way over while still establishing Hawke as being willing to do anything to win. **¾ Todd Cortez vs. Ejiro Fasaki (w/Melissa) Melissa is apparently Ejiro’s sister, apparently the one he’s been on the phone with, and she’s actually quite the looker. I think she’s adopted. Some good wrestling early on, with Cortez controlling the opening minutes. Ejiro goes for a chokehold, but Melissa chants “No” to get him to release the hold. Ejiro works the arm, and at one point uses the ropes for leverage before Melissa squeals on him. I’d say he’s whipped, but as far as I know he’s not from West Virginia. Ejiro argues with his sister until a roll up gets 2. Ejiro finally decides to listen to his sister and follow the rules, and the end result is a near fall off a top-rope rana that has Ejiro begging to cheat. Cortez gets a couple of near falls as Melissa encourages Ejiro with “You can do it on your own!” Then why are you here? The comeback falls short, as Ejiro counters a flying lariat with an arm drag and gets a submission to the Cobra Crossface at 12:38. He did it all on his own without cheating…unless you count the stuff Melissa bitched him out about. **½ Postmatch, Cortez offers a handshake, which is reluctantly accepted. I’m digging this gimmick of Ejiro’s, but how long can it last without getting repetitive? Ben Hardy tries to interview Insane Luchador, but JJ Johnson and Toxxic interrupt before he can. After some choice words, Johnson invades the locker room, leading to… SWF Hardcore Gamer’s Championship: Insane Luchador vs. JJ Johnson© They brawl backstage in the corridors for most of the match, using a pretty decent combination of wrestling and innovative use of wooden crates. Yes, wooden crates. The tornado DDT IL used was absolutely pretty. IL also does a sweet counter, using the walls of the corridors to break out of a rear naked choke. The brawl moves into Tom Flesher’s office, and I’ll be damned if Allison Onita wasn’t ready to drop that towel. Flesher sends them out with a rolled up newspaper. Seriously. They eventually brawl through a swinging door…and into the women’s restroom as once again Allison Onita runs by. This time she’s not ready to drop the towel. The challenger shatters a fluorescent light bulb over the champion’s chest before smacking him against the wall with a monkey flip. The battle spills into the parking lot. JJ power bombs IL through a windshield, and I think he got the pin but referee Matthew Kivell only calls it a count of 2. If IL kicked out, that’s as close as you can get without winning the match. They brawl to the second floor of the lot, and IL takes JJ (and himself) off the VIP section down to the main level with the Brink of Insanity. HOLY SHIT! I haven’t seen a fall like that since Nighthawk threw Loki off the second concourse of Jacobs Field in the old HIWF. That gets the pin, and Insane Luchador regains the title at 20:09. Insane brawl. The only way they could have topped that finish was to cave the roof of the Alamodome in. ***½ Janus returns! Wearing a pink tuxedo and coming to the ring to the tune of “Pretty in Pink”, Janus cuts a promo to say Wildchild and Johnny Dangerous should start dating, as well as Toxxic and Scott Pretzler. Nice to see Janus, but gay jokes are soooooooooooooooooooooo 2004. I doubt Janus is back full-time, but had they announced his appearance they might have picked up a few more buys. Lord David vs. Lil’ Buck David begins trying to use his speed to keep the much larger Buck off guard early. To answer a question Suicide King asked, I haven’t seen Jay Hawke use a double stomp yet and he’s a cruiserweight, so there you go. Buck soon gains control and uses his superior weight and power to damn near knock LD out. Seriously, keep David against the Wildchilds and Scott Pretzlers of the world so he’s only out weighed by 100 pounds. David does the smart thing and shoots for Buck’s legs, but he can’t hurt Buck enough to keep him down for any length of time. All the submission attempts to the legs finally begin to slow the larger man down. David finally hits his frog splash, and unlike in the hardcore title match, there’s no doubt that three count hit before the shoulder came up, but the match continues anyway. David goes for it again, but Buck catches him in mid-air and spins him around in a belly-to-belly suplex. That somehow only gets 2. A pump handle power bomb, and that gets 3...or 2. Whatever. That was less obvious of a fuckup than the one on the frog splash. David avoids the Buck Wild Ride with a sweet looking neck breaker. Buck’s power is eventually too much for David, as he taps to Champion’s Requiem at 18:41. A little long for the message they were bringing across, but this might have turned Lord David into a bonafide superstar. *** Ladder Match for the SWF Cruiserweight Championship: “The Critic” Scott Pretzler vs. Wildchild© I’ve been waiting for this one all week. Both men show how well they know each other early, as they each have their finishers countered. WC sends Scott OVER THE TOP ROPE with a hiptoss, then dives onto his with a tope con hilo. It took all of three minutes to bring out a holy shit chant. Pretzler makes his play for the ladder, and for once we don’t get the usual baseball slide spot, as Scott avoids it and levels Wildchild with a European uppercut. WC makes the first real attempt to climb, but has to take Scott down with a sweet dragonrana since it’s still early in the match. Pretzler gets tossed to the floor, and Dub Cee nails him with a corkscrew moonsault off the top of the ladder. Ho-lee shit! Pretzler mounts a nice comeback, but gets taken down with a leg lariat. Wildchild makes his move, but Pretzler tips the ladder over, trapping WC’s knee between the rungs. That’s about the only thing that can take away Wildchild’s speed. And Pretzler smells blood, focusing his entire attack on that knee. Wildchild kicks away at a figure-four attempt, sending Scott into the ladder, and Pretzler’s spitting up blood. Dear God, this is brutal! The injury doesn’t faze the challenger, as he spends at least the five minutes doing nothing but working the knee. Pretzler goes for the belt, but WC hits a desperate flying ax handle to keep his title reign alive. Pretzler makes another attempt at it, and WC puts him on his shoulders…and the knee buckles, causing an accidental electric chair suplex that sends the challenger over the top rope. Un-fucking-believable spot. Give Pretzler credit for even taking that move. That’s not enough for the win, as WC improvises a tornado DDT from the ring to the floor. The champion goes for the Wild Ride halfway down the aisle, but it’s countered into the Tildebang Driver! That’s gotta do it! Pretzler makes his way up the ladder…and how the hell did WC run up that ladder for that flying neck wrecker off the top of the ladder? WC limps up the ladder and grabs the belt just before Pretzler can take the ladder from underneath him at 22:07. After the match, Pretzler asks for a handshake, which is accepted…but he attacks WC with a vicious lariat! Pretzler continues the beat down until EMTs break it up. Simply awesome. You could nitpick about the running flying neck wrecker, but I’m going to chalk it up to adrenaline and give this one the full monty. ***** Ben Hardy interviews Toxxic regarding his title defense against Mak Francis. The usual good interview from the champ. One fall for the SWF International Championship: Landon Maddix vs. Johnny Dangerous© The winner will defend against Jay Hawke at some point, and this is the fifth match of their unofficial best of 5 series. We have dueling crowd support stuff before we lock up, and the challenger gets the better of a technical wrestling exchange early on. Dangerous works a headlock for at least two minutes, and this one could take a while. Maddix gains control as the pace picks up, but he takes a hard fall to the floor attempting a plancha. Maddix tweaks the knee, and that’s the focus of Dangerous’ attack. Maddix makes a brief comeback, but Dangerous goes right back to work on the knee. The psychology throughout this show is absolutely amazing. Megan distracts the champion and gets flipped off, but not before she hands some powder to Landon, and the powder is promptly in Johnny’s eyes. The first blatantly illegal move of the night comes from Landon Maddix. That’s the advantage the cockroach needs, as he gets the Landon Eye for 2. Maddix teases a super kick but hits a DDT instead. That’s the most brilliant move of the night so far. Maddix appears to have the title won, but decides to miss a swan dive head BUTT instead. Idiot. The MI Slam gets the pin, but Landon’s got a foot over the bottom rope. Dangerous’ ensuing argument leads to a roll up for 2, and Johnny’s PISSED! He damn near obliterates the knee. Johnny attempts WC’s Wild Ride, but Landon gets a roll up for 2. There’s the Land of Nod! Johnny refuses to give in, so Landon counters it into Tom Flesher’s old Wet Cement. That gets the submission (and the title) at 22:45. Todd Cortez comes to the ring for a celebration and offers Dangerous a handshake, but Johnny apparently cements his heel turn, super kicking Cortez out of his shoes. Great psychology with the knee work, and a great finish to get around the knee. But why is Tom Flesher getting a bigger push in retirement than he ever did when he was active? **** I don’t get Landon going over here since the feud was Dangerous-Hawke, but with the heel turn it makes sense. One fall for the SWF World Heavyweight Championship: Mak Francis vs. Toxxic Toxxic was clearly expecting Spike Jenkins to be in this spot here, as the mat wrestling of Francis keeps him off-guard. Toxxic uses his speed to regain the advantage and tries to turn it into a faster-paced match. To his credit, Toxxic tries to use mat wrestling, but it gives Francis a chance to get back into the mat. The Million Dollar Plex gets 2, and only the ropes save Toxxic from being the victim of the Bittersweet. Toxxic finally regains the advantage and goes to the arm. Francis finally makes the comeback, but the arm injury’s got him so panicked that he begins cheating to try to pick up the win. Francis finally locks in the Bittersweet, and Toxxic gets to the ropes to save the title. I thought for sure we had a title change right there. That begins another comeback for the champion, but he misses the Shooting Star Legdrop. This might be Mak’s last chance. And talk about borderline bad calls: Francis gets such a close near fall after an enzuigiri that the crowd explodes, thinking they’ve seen the big title change. Sensing he needs one major move, Mak goes for the frog splash for the first time in forever, but he meets Toxxic’s knees. Toxxic locks the Regal Stretch, but Francis doesn’t quit, so Toxxic maneuvers his body onto Mak’s back. That’s enough for Toxxic to finally win via submission at 25:09. Excellent as usual from Toxxic, and Francis impressed me here. ****½ Toxxic celebrates down the ramp, but Johnny Dangerous apparently un-cements his heel turn by taking Toxxic down on the ramp with an MI Slam. Now Landon going over doesn’t make sense. Dangerous holds the World Title belt up as we fade out. I lost the PPV feed for about 15 minutes and apparently missed Spike vs. the mystery partner because of it, so if anyone has that result let me know. Overall, what an awesome freaking PPV. The last three matches are instant classics with the ladder match being a front-runner for match of the year, and even the stuff that wasn’t spectacular was passable. I’ve never seen a promotion be on the roll that the SWF is always on, and this show was no exception.

International Title Match I won't predict a winner since it's my match and all. Storyline-wise Hawke should win it since Maddix was kinda thrown into the title mix, but it's gonna be good either way. Hardcore Title Match I consider IL's win at Battleground a mild upset. JJ regains when the roof actually does cave in.

Maybe Zbyszko really didn't like the guy and wanted to be nice. Only Larry knows for sure, and as far as I know, nobody's ever confronted him on it.

Actually, shouldn't the Dean of Professional Wrestling be the Secretary of Education?

OK, I lied a little bit. I've still got three matches to go, so the full review will have to wait until tomorrow. However, one comment real quick: Holy shit was that ladder match awesome. Possibly the best match I've read since I joined the SWF a couple of months ago.

I busted out a DDT one time out of sheer accident, then got the hell out of there before the guy could wake up.

Be on the lookout tonight for "Battleground from JHawk's Beak" once I can sit down and read the entire show.

95% of the time when the faces tag behind the referee's back, both faces are still in the ring when the referee turns around, making it seem as though no tag could have possibly been made since the illegal man would have been on the apron already. To counter that, when the heels do the illegal switch, the legal man has gotten onto the apron, thus giving a referee the impression that they've made the tag. Simple, really. As an aside, when I referee I disallow the heel illegal tag unless they tell me beforehand they're doing the illegal switch spot.

Is this really more important than a brand new episode of Robot Chicken? Watch the insane goodness, yo!

ICTV-USJL Unification Tournament Round One: Jay Hawke vs. Todd Cortez There's not much to choose from in a two month career, but I was very proud of this one before I was even halfway finished with it.

About 5.2k. The sad thing I was wondering how to make a PPV match with no prior buildup feel like something more than a TV match. Then my finish went nearly 1k.

So I'm the only one who makes sure I have recent stats before I start writing?

And for those who don't even know what Daylight Savings Time is?

I've got to second Dean Douglas. The gimmick itself was a good concept. The execution wasn't great, I thought, but a little tweaking and it could have taken off.

I want a case of Corona extra, three bottles of tequila, all the Mexican food you can carry in the bed of a pickup truck, and a hot senorita who can give me taco-flavored kisses.

Washington Senators Starting Lineup CF Tris Speaker 2B Johnny Evers 1B Pete Rose LF Kirk Gibson RF Rocky Colavito 3B Brooks Robinson SS Luke Appling C Gary Carter P Pitching Rotation Walter Johnson Don Drysdale Tommy John Herb Score Fernando Valenzuela Bench 1B Orlando Cepeda 1B Fred McGriff C Rick Ferrell OF Vince Coleman CF Edd Roush SS Willie Wells 3B Buddy Bell Bullpen Clark Griffith Jesse Haines Hilton Smith Kevin Appier Dick Radatz (CL) Inactive IF Pep Young P Don Aase 3B Brook Jacoby OF Ivan Calderon P Storm Davis Managerial Style Whitey Herzog

Due for what? Not to say that Pretzler isn't a good writer, because he is, or that he can't win, because he can, but why is he "due?" Because I've had the belt for two whole weeks? Have I been holding him down in some way? I meant no offense, but I'll try to explain it. Sometimes in sports you get the game between two teams that are simply awesome, but that one team has been on just a major roll. Everybody knows the other team's good, but the first team has just had that good of a roll going that they almost seem unstoppable -- and the second team is almost pushed to the background. I see WC as that first team and Pretzler as that second team. Wildchild's just had this incredible roll going since before I even joined the fed, so it's hard to go against you...but Pretzler's so good that I've just got a feeling he's going to put the extra effort in and take it. That being said, this is the match I'm looking the most forward to on this show. This should be awesome as all hell no matter who wins.

SWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP Toxxic (SWF World Heavyweight Champion) v. "The Franchise" Mak Francis Toxxic, but it should be awesome either way SWF INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP Johnny Dangerous (SWF International Champion) v. Landon Maddix I'm thinking Dangerous MYSTERY MATCH ??? v. "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins Depends on who the mystery man is, but odds are ??? takes it SWF WORLD CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH Wildchild (SWF World Cruiserweight Champion) v. "The Critic" Scott Pretzler Pretzler. As good as WC is, Pretzler's due SINGLES MATCH Lil' Buck v. Lord David I've only glanced through the last two shows since I got back in town, so no pick. SWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP JJ Johnson v. Insane Luchadore JJ RANKINGS MATCH "Urban Legend" Todd Cortez v. Ejiro Fasaki Cortez SWF INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP #1 CONTENDERSHIP Jay Hawke v. Manson No pick, but trust me, I'll make time to write. BAR ROOM BRAWL Arch Griffon v. Mohammed Koran Arch

What if Jeff 'Unover' Jarrett decided to wear a wig and enter the diva search so he could monopolize TV time in two promotions? That's entertainment, baby!

Here's the part I found funny: Note to Vince: WE WERE BOOING HER WHEN SHE WAS A BABYFACE DURING THE INITIAL HARDY-KANE FEUD! Hell, some of us started cheering Snitsky because Lita "lost the baby" over it and the asinine feud was done. Try again.

\/\/\/ Doesn't agree with anybody