Ask Metal Ed

[Metal Ed 0]

dear metal ed,

 

are you aware that willie nelson, if you had the chance to meet him, would hook you up with some free grass? it might even be some kind bud!

 

during the 80's, when faced with the decision of purchasing the 'white lion' debut album and great white's 'once bitten', which did you choose first?

 

if the govt. put a ban on all mullets, how would you react?

Well, that might give me something to think about. I pretty much get all my stuff from the rockin' dudes around Wausau. Matt's got one of them greenhouses and everything. It can't hurt to have some more, though. I figure I probly would take Willie Nelson's weed, but if he tried to play a banjo within 40 feet of Metal Ed, I'd have to crack his skull. Rules are rules.

 

My, my, my! I'm once bitten, twice shy, baby! Man, that's some bitchin' stuff. I used to bang my head to that shit all the time back in 8th grade, before I dropped out. I'm cool with White Lion, too, dude. Don't get me wrong. I might go put them tapes on the Rock Box a little later. You're a pretty bitchin' dude, man.

 

Ain't no government known to man could make Metal Ed cut his mullet. They'd have to kill me, dude. It just ain't gonna happen.

[Metal Ed 0]

Metal Ed

 

Who wields the greatest axe in rock history?

Man, there been some good ones. Eddie Van Halen gets a honorable mention for being a hard rockin' sumbitch before that Sammy Hagar bullshit, but I'm gonna have to go with Yngwie Malmsteen. Ain't no one ever shredded the axe like him, before or since. Gets me to bangin' my head like no other.

[Guest goodhelmet]

metal ed,

 

when metal began to decline in the early 90's due to the grunge explosion, did you cling to your copy of quiet riot's 'condition critical', hoping that not all metal acts would meet thier demise as quickly as they did, resulting in there playing nightclubs that hold 300 people?

 

after ratt released 'way cool jr.' did you want to take a pick axe to stephen pearcy?

 

when poison and faster pussycat and the like were rocking down the house, did you use hairspray?

[Metal Ed 0]

metal ed,

 

when metal began to decline in the early 90's due to the grunge explosion, did you cling to your copy of quiet riot's 'condition critical', hoping that not all metal acts would meet thier demise as quickly as they did, resulting in there playing nightclubs that hold 300 people?

 

after ratt released 'way cool jr.' did you want to take a pick axe to stephen pearcy?

 

when poison and faster pussycat and the like were rocking down the house, did you use hairspray?

That was a pretty rough period for Metal Ed. I went from being the toast of Wausau to yesterday's news. That's all in the past, though, dude cuz metal is back in a serious way. I ain't gonna claim to be a big fan of most of this stuff, but it ain't a big deal. As long as kids everywhere are rockin' out, everything's cool.

 

I ain't never heard that album. I think Matt told me it sucked and I was gonna buy it, but I ended up gettin some Joe Satriana instead. I don't really remember much from that period anyway. I was on some stuff. Don't never buy none of them Arcade albums, though. They suck majorly.

 

Metal Ed used hairspray then, and continues to use it for special occasions today. I didn't wear no makeup or frilly stuff, though. Metal Ed can impress the chicks just lookin like a dude, thank you very much.

[Guest areacode212]

Metal Ed,

 

As a Skid Row fan, what did you think of Sebastian Bach's starring role on Broadway's Jekyll and Hyde?

 

EDIT: Also, would you mind giving me the phone number of Wanda, the big girl from Wal-Mart? I can't convince any of these stuck-up New York girls to engage in a threeway with me.

[Guest crandamaniac]

Is there anything that you listen to other then heavy metal?

[Guest Marshall]

Hey Metal Ed, did you see Swimfan?

[Guest NazMistry]

Dear Metal Ed,

 

This crew that hang around the corner from my house used to give me heat every time I walked by because of my Metal stylings.

One time they told me to shave my 20 inch hair off, and I lost it.

I cracked all their heads but now I'm on the run from the cops.

What should I do?

[Guest swan]

Hey Metal Ed-

 

Lita Ford or those chicks from Nelson?

[Guest goodhelmet]

metal ed,

 

how did you feel when rob halford of judas priest said he was gay? were you surprised or indifferent? did you still rock out to 'eat me alive' even though the meaning had changed?

 

when combing your mullet, does your hair ever get tangled in the brush, forcing you to cut off portions of the magic locks?

 

when you were growing up, what was the biggest poster on your wall?

[Guest crandamaniac]

Ed, is your mullet like Samson's hair, in that if you got a buzz cut today, you would lose all ability to rock out?

[Metal Ed 0]

Metal Ed,

 

As a Skid Row fan, what did you think of Sebastian Bach's starring role on Broadway's Jekyll and Hyde?

 

EDIT: Also, would you mind giving me the phone number of Wanda, the big girl from Wal-Mart? I can't convince any of these stuck-up New York girls to engage in a threeway with me.

Metal Ed doesn't see too many plays, so I didn't know nothin about that. I figure that if Sebastian Bach is involved with it, it's gotta be pretty bitchin'. Plus, I remember seeing that "Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde" movie with that dude from "Wings" and thinkin it was pretty funny. I bet it's a pretty rockin play.

 

I don't know Wanda's number or nothin. She pretty much stopped coming around after the threeway. She's probly embarrassed or something. If you ever do have one those, I got some advice for you: Don't never do it with a dude who you ain't real sure about. Matt's pretty bitchin and all, but he's got some of them Rob Halford tendencies. He started tryin to feel on my chest, was running his fingers through my mullet and all. Metal Ed ain't no queer, though, so I punched him right in the nose. He got my message, dude, I can assure you. I don't know nothin about stuck up girls in New York or nothin. Just give 'em some Pabst and they're pretty much putty in your hands, man.

[Metal Ed 0]

Is there anything that you listen to other then heavy metal?

I listen to some hard rock, too. I gotta admit that I'm a pretty big fan of Kansas. The band, not the state. They ain't really metal or nothin, but they got some rockin' tunes. I put 'em up on the Rock Box and it sounds as good as most of my metal shit. Gets me to bangin' my head a little slower with a little more feeling. I ain't got no problem with that. Don't you go telling anybody that Metal Ed's a pussy, though. I'll crack your skull, dude. You can believe that.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

Metel Ed what do you think Of Nirvana, Led Zeppelin, and Hole?

[Metal Ed 0]

Hey Metal Ed, did you see Swimfan?

I don't get to see too many movies or nothin. I saw a preview for it up to the Sears in the mall when I was looking for a wrench, though, and it looked pretty decent. I might could take this chick I met up to the hospital today to see it. She's pretty hot, dude. Got some of them of them big old titties and everything. I bet she's only around 250, so that ain't too bad. I'm probly gonna ask her out next time I'm up there, so maybe she'd wanna see Swim Team. I was hopin to see one of them Freddy Krueger movies, but you can't win em all.

 

If they ever re-release Smoky and the Bandit, though, you can bet Metal Ed'll be the first in line.

[Metal Ed 0]

Dear Metal Ed,

 

This crew that hang around the corner from my house used to give me heat every time I walked by because of my Metal stylings.

One time they told me to shave my 20 inch hair off, and I lost it.

I cracked all their heads but now I'm on the run from the cops.

What should I do?

Man, you come up here to Wausau and Metal Ed could take you in. I done had some criminals in here before. This one big dude named Percy broke in through my window last year, saying he done killed his wife and needed some place to crash til the heat died down. I wasn't too happy about it or nothing, but I didn't wanna piss this dude off. You know? So I pretty much housed him and gave him some of my Beanie Weenies and all that. He was a pretty bitchin dude. Liked all that metal shit and everything. One thing about Percy, though, was he liked to walk around naked. That sumbitch was never wearing nothin. I eventually had to turn him in cause people round my neighborhood were getting suspicious. Not about him being a murderer or nothing, but about me being his boyfriend or some shit. I can see what they mighta been thinking. You got a handsome dude like Metal Ed and big ol' naked guy like Percy living in the same house...people gonna get suspicious. I just hope he don't never break out or nothing. Metal Ed's in a bunch of trouble then.

[Metal Ed 0]

Hey Metal Ed-

 

Lita Ford or those chicks from Nelson?

Lita Ford on account of them Nelson chicks being dudes. I got a story about how I found out they weren't chicks, but I don't feel much like tellin it. Metal Ed's got his pride.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

You didn't let Percy touch the Rock Box, did you?

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

 

EDIT: Also, what tips would you recommend for picking up a newly-single Australian Pop star?

[Metal Ed 0]

metal ed,

 

how did you feel when rob halford of judas priest said he was gay? were you surprised or indifferent? did you still rock out to 'eat me alive' even though the meaning had changed?

 

when combing your mullet, does your hair ever get tangled in the brush, forcing you to cut off portions of the magic locks?

 

when you were growing up, what was the biggest poster on your wall?

I ain't got no real problem with faggots or nothin. As long as they ain't all feeling up on Metal Ed, it's cool. And man, it's Rob Halford! Rob FUCKING Halford! Dude would have to kill a bus full of puppies and orphans for me to respect him any less. Shit, I'd probly like him more then. He'd do it, too, the crazy homo.

 

I got one of them special brushes that are real gentle on the hair. Cost me $75, too, so I didn't eat too much that week. It was worth it, though, cuz I got the best mullet in Wisconsin. I won a contest and everything. It was pretty cool.

 

I had a big ol' one of them Farrah Fawcet nipple posters. That was probly the biggest one. My momma made me take it down when she caught me humping the wall, though. After that, the biggest one was probly the Iron Maiden poster. Had that big freaky monster dude playing the guitar. It was totally bitchin, man. I'm saving up for one of them blacklights right now so I can see my Hendrix and 'shroom posters the way they was intended to be seen. That's pretty much my next big investment.

[Metal Ed 0]

Ed, is your mullet like Samson's hair, in that if you got a buzz cut today, you would lose all ability to rock out?

Metal Ed would always be a pretty rockin' dude. The mullet is mostly to attract the chicks and basically send the message to the rest of the world that I'm a rocker. I wouldn't wanna do without it or nothing. I got some of that male pattern baldness, though, and I'll probly shave it off once it gets to the middle of my head. I ain't lookin like that Devon Crosby dude.

[Metal Ed 0]

Metel Ed what do you think Of Nirvana, Led Zeppelin, and Hole?

I ain't too big on Nirvana. I listened to 'em for a little while and thought they were pretty bitchin', but I kinda let off once I saw the way they keep their hair. I ain't no queer or nothin, but I can't really respect no dudes that don't take care of the hair God gave 'em. That's why I ain't listen to them much. Led Zep is pretty damn bitchin', though. Always get me to bangin' my head real good. I ain't too big on that "Stairway to Heaven," though. That's pretty much a pussy song for chicks. Metal Ed ain't no chick. I ain't never even heard of Hole. That ain't David Coverdale's new band, is it?

[Metal Ed 0]

You didn't let Percy touch the Rock Box, did you?

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

 

EDIT: Also, what tips would you recommend for picking up a newly-single Australian Pop star?

I didn't have much control over what Percy did round here. Dude was probly about 275 and always naked. If he's going for the Rock Box, I ain't gettin in his way. I mostly tried to hide it from him. I'm startin to get sorta nervous talking about him, so I'm gonna leave off here. I really hope that dude don't never get out.

 

I don't know nothing about your second question. I pretty much just suggest you get her some Pabst and show her how American dudes rock. You could get her some Fosters, too. It don't matter, just so long as she's pretty drunk.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

Metel Ed what do you think Of Nirvana, Led Zeppelin, and Hole?

I ain't too big on Nirvana. I listened to 'em for a little while and thought they were pretty bitchin', but I kinda let off once I saw the way they keep their hair. I ain't no queer or nothin, but I can't really respect no dudes that don't take care of the hair God gave 'em. That's why I ain't listen to them much. Led Zep is pretty damn bitchin', though. Always get me to bangin' my head real good. I ain't too big on that "Stairway to Heaven," though. That's pretty much a pussy song for chicks. Metal Ed ain't no chick. I ain't never even heard of Hole. That ain't David Coverdale's new band, is it?

Hole was Courntey Love's band...it sucked.

[Guest NazMistry]

Dear Metal Ed,

 

Would you swap your own Trans-Am for the Trans-Am from Knight Rider? The Trans-am in Knight Rider was KITT and talked and jumped over high shit.

[Guest swan]

Metal Ed:

 

Would you drink dog urine for front row seats to see Britney Fox?

 

[Guest goodhelmet]

metal ed,

 

if you went to an alice cooper concert and he played a ballad, would you pull out your zippo lighter and light the ballad flame? if so, once the ballad began to ROCK OUT (similar to the way 'Stairway to Heaven' rocks out at the end), would you start banging your head with the flame still going strong? if so, if that flame accidentally burnt the aqua net infested hairdo of the metal whore in front of you, what would you do?

 

(true story by the way)

[Metal Ed 0]

Dear Metal Ed,

 

Would you swap your own Trans-Am for the Trans-Am from Knight Rider? The Trans-am in Knight Rider was KITT and talked and jumped over high shit.

Hell yeah! I'd have to get that voice replaced, though. I ain't too cool about having Mr. Feeny talkin to me when I'm driving. I'd probly try to get Ronnie James Dio to talk for the car. That'd be bitchin'. I might could finally win that car contest up at the state fair if I could get KITT. Ain't no one else up there got a talking car except for Leroy and his mostly just cusses.

[Metal Ed 0]

Metal Ed:

 

Would you drink dog urine for front row seats to see Britney Fox?

 

I probly wouldn't drink dog urine for nothing. I learned that lesson the hard way.

[Metal Ed 0]

metal ed,

 

if you went to an alice cooper concert and he played a ballad, would you pull out your zippo lighter and light the ballad flame? if so, once the ballad began to ROCK OUT (similar to the way 'Stairway to Heaven' rocks out at the end), would you start banging your head with the flame still going strong? if so, if that flame accidentally burnt the aqua net infested hairdo of the metal whore in front of you, what would you do?

 

(true story by the way)

My mullet got lit on fire one time. Me and Matt were shootin WD-40 into his lighter, gettin a good blowtorch going. I started bangin my head pretty good, just like you said, and his had slipped. I was runnin around the yard and everything, trying to get it out. Burned my scalp pretty good. Looking back on it now, we probly shoulda stopped with the WD-40 then. I know Matt misses his dog a bunch. To answer your question, though, I'd probly run like hell. Metal Ed don't normally run from no one, but someone who just had their hair caught on fire ain't no one to fuck with.

[Guest goodhelmet]

metal ed,

 

if you had to pick between cyndi lauper or that chick from til tuesday, which 80's pop star would you do first to try and inject some metal in them?

 

what do you do when someone's mullet (dare i say it), rocks harder than yours? would you be filled with envy and go into a jealous rage?

 

will the ROCK BOX~! ever be put to rest?

 

IF you had a choice, would you rather beat up elvis costello or micheal stipe of REM for being the biggest nerd?