Guest DrainYou42 Posted September 20, 2002 Report Posted September 20, 2002 I used to like going to the "Jokes" folder on the old board, and seeing as it isn't on this one, I figured I'd start a thread.
Guest RenegadeX28 Posted September 20, 2002 Report Posted September 20, 2002 Ok, I got one. What do you call a big ant??? A GI-ant!!!
Guest Punk Princess Posted September 20, 2002 Report Posted September 20, 2002 evenflowDDT is a joke. Does that count?
EL DANDY~! Posted September 20, 2002 Report Posted September 20, 2002 Why did the dude cut holes in his pockets? So he could flow his fingers through his hair...ewwwwwwww...
Guest DeputyHawk Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 the queen mother dies and goes to heaven. she floats up to the pearly gates, and once inside the kingdom she meets princess diana. "hello again, granny," says di, batting her adorable bambi eyelashes. "but why is it that you have a halo and i do not?" demands the queen mum. "no, no granny, this is not a halo, this is a steering wheel."
Guest Ravenbomb Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 I got this in an E-Mail Funny Court Statements These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last one. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or 35, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Q: Were you present at the time your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
Guest MaxPower27 Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 Remember the last time we started a "joke" thread? It turned into dead baby jokes. Good times, good times.
EL DANDY~! Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 What yellow and blue and eats balls? Gonorrhea....
Guest Big McLargeHuge Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 What do you call nuts on a chest?...chestnuts. What do you call nuts on the wall?...walnuts. What do you call nuts on a chin?...a big fat dick in your mouth! Ahahahahahahahahaha!...Who be bad now?
Guest DJ Jeff Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 "Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Lettuce" "Lettuce who?" "Lettuce in god dammit!"
Guest Youth N Asia Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 What do you call someone else's cheese??? NACHO Cheese! Boo Yah!!!!
Guest Ravenbomb Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 how many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? a few
Guest CoreyLazarus416 Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off it's head. What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac? I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
Guest Ravenbomb Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 what's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of bowling balls? you can't pick bowling balls up with a pitchfork.
Guest saturnmark4life Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 how do you know when your sister is on her period? your daddy's cock tastes of blood.
Guest Angle-plex Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 how do you know when your sister is on her period? your daddy's cock tastes of blood.
Guest Mystery Eskimo Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Guest Youth N Asia Posted September 21, 2002 Report Posted September 21, 2002 How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off it's head. Dead Baby Float...I was told it was two parts ice cream, one part dead baby. AHHHH Christ! I was almost tempted to make a dead baby joke with my post but I resisted the urge. What's more fun then nailing a dead baby to the wall? Ripping it off. How do you get 100 dead babys into a bucket? With a Blender How do you empty that bucket? Tortia chips! (you can also use straw for this one)
Guest Lord of The Curry Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
Guest jimmy no nose Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 What's the hardest part of having sex with a vegetable? Getting it back into the hospital bed.
Guest Grenouille Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 What do priests and zits have in common? They both come(cum) on your face when your 12.
Guest Kotzenjunge Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 Here's a neat joke: Watch the bazillion snap fumbles from the Tennessee game today and play the Benny Hill theme at the same time. Laughs for hours. Fo sheez, Kotzenjunge
Guest BionicRedneck Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 OK, this joke is about 6 months old, but... What is brown and half-eaten? The Queen Mother's easter egg. What do you call a truck full of dead babies? a good days huntin' They sucked.
Guest AM The Kid Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage? A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)
Guest AM The Kid Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes? A: Gouge its eyes out.
Guest midnight_burn Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 Ah, dead baby jokes, fun for the whole family. Q: How do you stop a baby from choking? A: Take your dick out of it's mouth.
Guest Ravenbomb Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
Guest Kotzenjunge Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 As best as I can remember it from an episode of BET Comic View: A man came home late from work one evening, on the eve of his anniversary with his wife. He saw the light off in their bedroom, so he got really excited and said to himself that he'd give her a little special preview of their anniversary. So inside he went, and upstairs, and saw his wife's feet poking out from under the covers. He swiftly disrobed and proceeded to tear it up real good until about 1 AM, when he noticed that she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He said to her that he was going downstairs to get something to drink, but he'd be back. He got a beer out of the refrigerator in the kitchen, and on the way back upstairs, noticed his wife sitting in the living room watching television. He asked her how she got down there so fast after being asleep. She replied, "foo', yo momma came over and fell asleep in our bed!!" Fo sheez, Kotzenjunge
Guest Big McLargeHuge Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A. Very satisfying. Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Guest Youth N Asia Posted September 22, 2002 Report Posted September 22, 2002 THEN THE CLASSIC: What's better then sex with a 10 year old boy? ...NOTHING!!
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