SWF Tape Rants: Edition One

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

A Brian Hennessey rant on “SWF: The Revolution”

By Brian Hennessey

 

Hello, fans, I’m Brian Hennessey and this is the first rant on the new site. God, it feels good to be back and not a sellout, like a certain Mr. Keefe I know. How’s it hanging, fatty?

 

*snicker*

 

Anyway… I was at Little Lucky’s Video and I saw this tape (SWF: The Revolution) for sale, so I picked it up and now YOU lucky readers get to see the first Hennessey rant of the new era!

 

---

 

The tape starts with Xstasy and Edwin MacPhisto hanging out in a bowling alley. This tape is obviously pre-Silent, because Edwin and X are both acting like the idiots they… well, are. Xstasy bowls, and gets a strike, prompting him to yell out “My score is higher than yours!” and prompting me to think “And his score isn’t the only thing higher than Edwin.” Regardless, Edwin intros the first match…

 

SWF United States Title

Sacred © v Xstasy

(SWF Storm, March 1, 2002)

 

Boy, this one should be a test for Sacred. Can he carry the Xceptionally Huge Crybaby to a decent match?

 

…

 

Yeah, that’s what I thought too. Xstasy’s pop is insane… ly piped in. The truth, it’s out there… Sacred comes out and we get apathy. WHY MUST YOU TINKER, SWF? Sacred hisses at a ref who tries to take the US title from him… people say politics don’t exist, where do you think that came from? Meh… bulldog by Xstasy before the match even starts, and the people cheer him. What a crock. Xstasy smashes Sacred’s face into the canvas nine times, but gets cut off by Sacred! Sacred with the whoo chops.. but X takes over with a firemans carry. Why am I not shocked. X with the German delivered with all the force of your mail, and he follows it up with a forearm smash. Sacred gets right back up… into a kick and a near fall. Jeez, let’s at least TRY to put Sacred over, or is that too much to ask?

 

Fluid Moonsault by X, bridged into a two count. It pains, but that was a NICE Moonsault by X. Whip to the buckles, leapfrog… X runs right into a Superkick! Clutch pin… two count and reversed into another two count. Sacred doesn’t even get the best of that sequence… disgusting. Punches to the face by Sacred into the RX Facebuster… two count. Whip into a rollup by Sacred, but X rolls out and into a… crossface? I swear, if Sacred taps here… well, he got to the ropes. I’m surprised X didn’t work in a ref bump. Perfect Drug looking for a roundhouse… but Sacred ducks and gives Xstasy the Spanish Inquisition! Cover!… kickout. That fucker.

 

Sacred and Xstasy get up… Xception! Man, I hate him but I mark like hell for that move. One, two, it’s overNOITSNOT! Oh my God, X let Sacred kick out of his finisher. I’m more shocked than amazed. X looks for the Xstatic… Sacred rolls out of the way! CRUEL FATE~! It’s over!… foot on the fucking rope. Grr. Kamikaze by Sacred misses into a flip suplex from X. Crossbody to the outside by Xstasy, and X goes nuts, smashing Andrew’s head into the barrier. Twice. Then into the steps, multiple times. And here comes Thugg… wow, can’t you just feel my excitement? Sacred looks for the chairshot, but hits Thugg! Pissed off, Sacred looks to hit Xstasy… but it bounces off the ropes and onto Andrew! God dammit X… Cover and we have a new US champ at 10:41. Dammit. This one gets **3/4 because the wrong guy went over and dominated for much of the match. Plus I’m pissed about the kickout of the Cruel Fate.

 

Backstage, Edwin and Xstasy intro our next match…

 

Intercontinental-Television Title Guest Referee Match

Edwin MacPhisto © v. Thoth (referee – Spider Nekura

(SWF Smarkdown, March 4, 2002)

 

Gee, I wonder who will win here. Edwin, maybe?

 

MacPhisto attacks Thoth from behind while the music plays. And the music stops. And Thoth gains the upper hand with a snapmare… OH THE INTENSITY~! Leg clothesline by the Balancer… say, that’s not very intimidating. The name, not the clothesline. Knee to the neck by Thoth, and Nekura… oh my God, in the shocker of the year he does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Ced Ordonez should be in this match. Elbow from the top by Thoth, and dear GOD why do you hate me. Backdrop to the outside by MacPhisto… the man’s a grand slam champion, and that’s the only move he uses to reverse the momentum 3:15 into a match?

 

Curry shills McClelland/Nekura as Thoth thrust-uppercuts MacPhisto, leading right into a Downward Spiral on the outside! Cover! Two count. Shoulder block and hard chop on the barrier to MacPhisto by Thoth, and he leads him over to the announce table. THIS should be beyond entertaining… which is more than can be said of Keefe’s last rant. Thoth looks for the inverted suplex on the announce table… but MacPhisto lands on his feet, causing the (piped in) noise to begin! Kick to the face by Eddie Mac, and it’s! Face! Comeback time! Crane kick by MacPhisto with PANACHE, dammit! Spider starts the count-out… why didn’t he do this when Thoth had the advantage? Stupid road agents.

 

DDT on Thoth, and Edwin bows to Spider… who stiffs him a good ‘un. Power to ya, buddy. Sin neckbreaker by Spider… who motions for Thoth to come in! Cover, supafast~! Two count. Punch to the face by Thoth, SUPAFAST~! Two count. Damn, Mac, let’s make everyone look weak. Which of course he does by hitting a STAR WIPE! On Thoth. Cover and no count by Spider, in what replaces the previous shocker of the year as the new shocker of the year. Rollup by Thoth, two count but Edwin reverses into a three count that’s not counted. I’m sure millions of fans are damning Spider Nekura to hell-o operator! Right now. Thoth with the sunset flip, but Edwin punches Spider in the face to knock him out of it long enough to break Thoth’s SF. And Spider is beating down Edwin. And Edwin looks for the Sound Check on Thoth, only to get kicked in the gut once by Nekura! Twice! Nekura makes another kick, but Edwin releases Thoth and the Balancer gets kicked instead! Delayed German on Thoth!

 

Tilt a whirl front slam by MacPhisto! Cover… and Spidey kicks Eddie again. Damn, they don’t like each other much. Thoth puts Edwin in the Dragon Sleeper… and they waste a minute with the ghey arm drop, and EDWIN GRABS SPIDER BY THE NECK IN A SHOCKER~! Edwin overpowers Spider! Thoth looks for the Riot of the Blood, but Edwin cartwheels out… into a double chickenwing by Thoth. T turns around and S gives E a boot to the stomach… AND HERE COMES OOTCAST! FORCEFUL INDOCTRINATION ON NEKURA! ENCORE CROSS ON THOTH! TYLER MAKES THE… aww, three count. Fuckers. Edwin retains, and guess what? Only four months until he gets to monopolize the World title, too! 11:28, and *1/2 stars. Damn SWF…

 

 

Here’s X and Edwin again, and Edwin is owning Xstasy. Dammit, I marked for Xstasy, but this just isn’t fair… Xstasy is a great bowler. Anyway, Edwin throws a strike as X introduces the next match…

 

Grahf v. Cardboard Comet

(IGNWF IGNite, date unknown)

 

The pyros catch CC on fire pre-match, what a surprise. Grahf comes out, Sacrifice, one-two-three. This one’s a DUD, kids, but amusing in a look-it’s-like-Ivory-or-Hulk-Hogan way.

 

Xstasy and Edwin are laughing at that match. I’m laughing at how horrid this tape has been so far… not one *** on a comp tape? Disgusting. Anyway, we get the intro for the next match…

 

Non Title Four Corners

K-Os (World Champion) v. Annie Eclectic v. Low Brass v. Renegade

(SJL Metal, February 27, 2002)

 

Three hosses and a wannabe hoss. And it’s the JL. This is a sick, cruel joke.

 

Annie begins the attack on Brass and begins punching! Hard! But Renegade blind tags in for her, and Annie leaves, a bit PO’ed. Renegade is speared by Brass. Quick ups, R looks for the DDT but Brass reverses it with a knee to the gut. Man, they don’t put Renegade over here… can I blame them? Northern Lights by Low Brass, bridged into a two count on Renegade. Renegade rolls outside and Brass follows… only to get tripped up by the R-Loving R-Masta. Ugh. Renegade slams the left knee on the outside. Pick up and whipped into the STEEL~! Pole is Brass by Renegade, and he rolls in and out. You just don’t see that enough. Renegade holds Low Brass up and motions to Annie to Drop Kiss him. By the way, Annie… if you read this, you can drop kiss me any time.

 

Brass, however, doesn’t want to be drop kissed, and instead Annie kisses Renegade. I hate the word kiss now. Big big time stall here, slow count-out going on, and MAN is this getting old. K-Os wants the tag, and Brass wants to give it to him… but not without DANCIN’! Thankfully, Renegade stops the shenanigans with a reverse suplex into a near-fall. Renegade looks for the Renebreak, reversed by Brass into a T-Bone Suplex! Brass walks over to K-Os, who is jawing with the fans, and taps him on the shoulder… giving him a hard right hook to tag him in! K-Os makes his way into the ring, where Renegade stiffs him with rights and lefts. The Fit Finlay of the JL, is he. WHOO and WHOOO chops by Renegade, and three kicks to the chest! Renegade snap suplexes K-Os, and another! And a third! Renegade kicks K-Os in the jaw and looks to tag Annie… but she hops off the apron!

 

Renegade looks PISSED, and K-Os adds to that with a hard shot! Scoop slam by K-Os but the ref gets knocked out by Renegade’s limp foot, constituting the WORST REF BUMP EVAR! This tape is full of history. Annie grabs the timekeeper’s chair on the outside and WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA’AM ONTO RENEGADE WITH THE CHAIR! Owie. Or so Renegade would say, if the chair didn’t miss him and hits K-Os! Low Brass Cactus Clotheslines Annie and himself out, and Renegade puts K-Os in the Sharpshooter! K-Os taps… but IN COMES THE CLAN! CLAN DEVASTATION ON LOW BRASS AND RENEGADE! K-Os pins Renegade at 9:14, but the Clan continue the beatdown! Annie and K-Os are in the JL’s Clan! And Brody is too! What a shocking ending… and when I first saw it, it honestly was. This was the first show of the Smarks era PERIOD, and to end it with the first good storyline of the Smarks Era and, not only that, but to have a good match pretty much guaranteed that the SJL would be here to stay. This match is **** for the bitchin’ finish and the excellent story told in the ring, which is more than could be said for the previous three matches.

 

We’re back at the bowling alley, where Xstasy and Edwin intro our final match…

 

SWF World Heavyweight Title

Hville Thugg © v. Mark Stevens v. Xstasy

(SWF Battleground, April 1, 2002)

 

Bah Gawd, Curry Man! It’s a Kliq reunion, LIVE AT BATTLEGROUND!

 

Of course, it’s not live on the tape, technically.

 

Thugg is double-teamed to start. Ugh, I hate triple threats for that reason alone. Sidekick to the head from Xstasy, with not nearly enough VICIOUS MUSTAHD~! On it. Slam and X trade punches on Thugg before a sidekick by Xstasy… damn, they’re getting him pretty over. Especially for a guy who’d be gone in two months. The bell rings and X and Mark give HVT a double clothesline, ooh entertainment. Elbow to Thugg’s head by Mark, and the Upstart Slap from X, and MAN if this double team shit goes on much longer I will puke in my Frost Flakes. And of course it does… but Thugg grabs Mark by the neck! And X! And they’re flailing, and I’m marking out because THIS IS SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT~!

 

Of course, X and Stevens both use kicks to the midsection to get out like good double-teamed foo’suckahs should. Double Suplex on Mark and X by Thugg… well, he can lift things, but I’d love to see him race a turtle. The green one would win. Big rest, and then Stevens is thrown ovahtop by Thugg, which is just BEAUTIFUL WRESTLING, dude. Thugg and X trade punches, but they’re charged up from the excellent (read: sucktacular) buildup! Tornado DDT on Thugg, and OUCHAMUNGO. Or somesuch, but Thugg probably couldn’t even feel it, the no-selling bastard. Whipback Kick by X on Thugg, and FAST FACT – That move won Edwin an ICTV title. Doubt it’ll do much now, though. X blatantly chokes Thugg and basically no-sells referee Matthew Kivell’s count, so Matty forces X off. Wow, that speaks volumes about how much of a weakling X truly is. Drugman looks to beat down Thugg some more… but Thugg lowblows X, and Kivell is somehow blind enough not to notice.

 

Whip to X, into the corner… HVT looks to avalanche the Perfect Drug but is met with a boot to the face for his troubles as GSMS slides into the ring and HOLYSHITOH~! German on Thugg from Stevens! No need for steroid questions now, buckshot, it’s a given. And ANOTHER German. God, what happened to sequences like that… oh yeah, they lost novelty. And there’s ANOTHER German, this time a release one! Mark with the cover… broken by Xstasy. GSMS and X argue, as HVT gets up… but the fearless faces clothesline the heinous heel over the top! Thugg bangs X’s head on the table, only to be met with a forearm to the back from the apron by Stevens. Thugg barely feels it, whipping Mark into the STEEEL~! Steps. Pain, meet Mark Stevens. Thugg grabs X with both hands in a choke hold and chokebombs him onto the announce table! Thugg mounted punches X… which prompts me to wonder where the f’n count is. Thugg looks for a beltshot on Stevens… and there’s Kivell, and he strips Thugg of the belt. If only they had given it to CED… anyway, Stevens with a DDT on HVT, and…

 

WALK OFF ON THUGG! It’s OVER, baby! One, two, new champ… X BREAKS IT UP! Shoving and punching match between X and GSMS, and X looks to win it… but Mark locks in the full-nelson and gives X the Double Play! NOW it’s over! One! Two! Thre KICKOUT BAH GAWD! I’m as shocked as everyone else is over that one. FLYING CLOTHESLINE OUT OF NOWHERE BY THUGG ON MARK! Cover! THREE COUNT NO KICKOUT! Thugg and X make their way over to the buckle, and Thugg looks for the superplex… but the small X manages to knock Thugg onto the mat! Shooting Star Press!… misses! HVT looks for the Untamed… but X REVERSES INTO THE SOARGASM! I’m creaming on my keyboard… wait, I’m not Scott Keefe. Thugg looks ready to tap… but STEVENS BREAKS IT UP! X SPEARS STEVENS AND THERE’S THE COVER!

 

(note: if X had won the title with a spear, I’d’ve shot Jayson Grant.)

 

COVER! AND THUGG BREAKS IT UP!

 

(note: I could kick out of an Xstasy spear, but Mark can’t? Pathetic)

 

X looks to kick Thugg… but he hits the ref! Thugg grins, looking for an Untamed, but X doubles him over and Xceptions him! But there’s no ref for the count! AND STUBBY’S HERE WITH A REF SHIRT ON! XSTATIC ON THUGG! The count!… Stubby stops it. What the hell… there’s the answer, PARANOID FREAKOUT ON XSTASY! Thugg drapes his arm over, and McWeed makes the count!

 

ONE! TWO!

 

THREE!

 

Thugg retains in 21:51 on the first PPV of the Smarks Era, and a very good triple threat. I’ll give it ****1/4 stars, and not more simply because of the screwjob. Keefe would’ve given it five. I’m not that nice.

 

And here’s X and Edwin again, and they’re… sending us home? Only one bonus match!?

 

…cheap tape. Overall, if you haven’t seen Battleground, this tape is a definite thumbs up. If you have, find someone to bum the SJL Metal tape off of, because this tape won’t be worth it.

 

RECOMMENDED THUMBS UP.

 

- BH

[Guest Kibagami]

/me marks for "obviously pre-Silent" tapes.

 

Funny shit, Mike. How many more of these do we get?

 

S.

[Guest crusen86]

Gold.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Christ. MVS and Frost make this community board my favorite place ever. Bowling alleys are totally sweet.

[Guest Muzz]

You had to pick a match I practically no showed didn't you? Grrrr.

 

Fun stuff anyway, I look forward to more of the same.

[Guest Crowe]

 

Very entertaining read. Good work.

 

Crowe

[Guest AnnieEclectic]

*dropkisses MVS*

 

(Y)

 

-Annie

[Guest redbaron51]

and i feel ignored!

 

LMAO though, keep it up

[Guest HVilleThugg]

I swear.....you just have way too much time on your hands. I'm not sure if you liked my match or not...I'm just happy to see that it made the tape. Wonderful work, and like Edwin said...between you and Frost, you're going to make sure these boards never go dead and you'll make sure we have plenty of "time-wasting-procrastinating-from-homework" reading.

 

Da "immortalized in tape form" H

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

Heh...four day weekend, Thugg. I'll be back to jobbing to the whole JL Tuesday, but until then, "SWF: The New Order" will drop Sunday.

 

</cheap shill>

[Guest Thoth]

STAR AND A HALF? FUCK YOU BRIAN! THOTH IS A TECHNICAL GENIUS! HE'S RAVEN AND BENOIT ROLLED INTO ONE! AARRRGH!

[Guest TheBostonStrangler]

*expects Strangler/Taylor from Ground Zero to be on the SWF: Hardcore tape*

 

That is all.

[Guest CED Ordonez]

/me is expecting much angst when his name and Deathwish's come up.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

/me is expecting that at least ONE T-Bone match goes on there...preferably the first Mall Brawl or my TV Title win. I liked my TV Title win, personally...best match I had ever did, and if you DARE not put in the FIRST EVER WINDOW PAIN MATCH between Frosty and me...you suck...just kidding.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

*expects Hell In A Poke Ball or any one of the Ash/Flesher or Ash/Stryke matches on one of these tapes*

 

That is all.

[Guest Coffin Surfer]

Wow, that was really good. Way better than my rushed dully written reviews. A new standard has been set.