The Reverend Returns With A Sermon

[Guest MrRant]

Some of thou have wandered from the flock and forgotten about the Church of NO MA’AM! Have thou forsaken the word and image of Bundy? Can thou even still repeat the sacred 10 Commandments of NO MA’AM?

 

 

 

Have you forsaken Him who stands at the beer alter and proclaims the Glory of NO MA'AM?

 

Perhaps I The Reverend Rant will have to go back and tell the glory of Bundy and Church Of NO MA'AM.

 

The Formation

 

 

This Sermon brought to you by the Church Of NO MA'AM and PBS.

 

 

NO MAAM was formed by Al Bundy in 1994 in retaliation to Jerry Springer changing the MAN's bowling night to an all womens night. Al got together a group of men and created NO MAAM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood)

 

The Great Al Bundy climbed the mountain in search of the great Ironhead Hanes... a mythical figure who wore spurs to school. No shoes. Just SPURS. And when the Holy One finally ascended the mountain and came face to face with Ironhead he gave Al the following Commandments of NO MA'AM that we live by. Those Commandments where:

 

1. It is OK to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays

2. It is wrong to be French

3. It is OK to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder

4. Lawyers, see rule three

5. It is OK to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes

6. Everyone should car pool except me

7. Bring back the word stewardess

8. Synchronized swimming is not a sport

9. Mud wrestling is a sport

10. Ok, so there are 9 commandments

 

We the humble followers on Al Bundy only hope to carry on the tradition and spread the word of NO MA'AM to all men that are being oppressed by the females. To liberate this country from Tampax commercials and mothers and daughters walking down the beach discussing "freshness". These my followers are the goals we hope to achieve.

 

Now bask in the picture of our Savior holding the Holy Commandments:

 

 

Now let us say the Bundy prayer:

 

Lord, give onto thee the power to resist the temptation to run out on our wives/girlfriends/fiancee's when they go on and on and on about sitting on their ass watching Oprah. Give us the power to instead drink our beer and nod at the appropriate moments as to not incur their wrath.

 

And Lord... keep our subscriptions to the porn that we get on the internet plentiful and free. And let the beer run free and a light golden brown.

 

Amen.

 

 

Some of the wandering flock may have come under the power of It:

 

 

The Chicken.... Leader of the Feminists. The one who has put Tampon commercials on thy TV! The one who has made it okay to have fat fashion models! The one who has convinced Rosie to get that god awful haircut!

 

BEHOLD!

 

 

Yes we shall consume in great quantities Weenie Tots and cool beer in the name of our savior Al Bundy. Of course we cannot mention Al Bundy and beer without telling a story of His triumph.

 

Yes... not long ago a heathen by the name of Marcy Darcy tried to get the beautiful women who posed for beer ads taken away because of her belief in the bastard religion called "feminism". Yes, twas a dark day in the life of NO MA'AM and men around the world until He arose to the challenge.

 

In a mighty battle Al and his NO MA'AM brethren defeated Marcy and her fellow chickens. That is why today we have supermodels telling us how cool we will be if we drink beer instead of some cud chewing, flannel wearing, truck driving hoss of a woman.

 

So when you are downing that most glorious of drinks remember this saying from Him:

 

" Pretty women make us BUY beer.... Ugly women make us DRINK beer."

 

And know I end this Sermon with a Hymn:

 

at the nudie bar

where you can look at a thigh

and blacken an eye

at the nudie bar

 

at the nudie bar

where they show you their BUTT

and their trap stays shut

at the nudie bar

 

at the nudie bar

where you can't touch a breast

but you can cave in a chest,

at the nudie bar

 

at the nudie bar

where the girlies dance

in their underpants

at the nudie bar

 

at the nudie bar

Where the music stinks,

and they water the drinks.

The nudie bar

 

at the nudie bar

Where the beer gives you gas

But the Bundy's KICK ASS.

the nudie bar

 

at the nudie bar

Where Christmas is nice

And lap dances are half price

at the nudie bar

at the nudie bar

Where you drink down the shooters

and unwrap the hooters

at the nudie bar

 

at the nudie bar

Where egg nog's a plenty

and the girls are all 20

at the Nudie bar

 

Amen.

 

If that isn't enough of a reason to come back into the flock then thou hast certainly forsaken Him.

[Guest Midnight Express83]

TESTIFY, TESTIFY, TESTIFY! ::does D-Von war dance::

[Guest Midnight Express83]

I think there could be three more Commandments:

 

1: thou shall not steal, except from the French.

2: thou shall not kill, except the French.

3: Thou shall not FUCK with NO'MAAM, except big titted girls that want to fuck the members of NO'MAAM!

[EL DANDY~!]

AMEN BRUTHA! TESTIFY! TESTIFY!!!

 

I LOVE THAT. I'm signing up to be in the church, dood...

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

I like the anti-friench policy

[Guest T®ITEC]

I also like your anti-French sentiments... Wasn't I part of this earlier? Oh, yeah... The rabbi has returned! (Y)

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

I never left the flock...but the french thing rules

[Guest Midnight Express83]

Rev, may I ask for a change in name. Instead of Father Express. Can I be Bishop of the Connecticut Conjugate? Or the Midnight Bishop for short?

[Guest Zero_Cool]

Yeah, French people do kind of suck.

 

Say, good Reverend, when will this chapter of No Ma'am take the fight to foreign soil? We have been chained up, waiting for a call to duty. I believe that it is time to fight the good fight against the feminists and the miserable French. For Al!

 

*holds up a beer*

[Guest evenflowDDT]

For some reason I thought this was going to work into NFL predictions somehow.

[Guest Paranoid]

Preach on Bro. Rant!!! This message needs to be heard by the multitudes!!!

 

*goes and watches re-runs of Married with Children on FX*

[Guest danielisthor]

Amen. Thank the gods for NO' MAAM.

[Guest MrRant]

For some reason I thought this was going to work into NFL predictions somehow.

Heathen! I deem you Grandmaster B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And all the appropriate ways to make fun of your new name.

 

 

Mixmaster B

Grand Marshall B

Bed Wetter B

Toastmaster B

Grand Flasher B

Dustbuster B

Grasshopper B

Grandfather B

Grandpappy B

Bellringer B

Grand Bastard B

Thumb Sucker B

BUTT-wagger B

Grandmaster Virgin

Abdomenizer B

Bass Master B

Crossdresser B

Grave Digger B

Dishwasher B

Grinchmaster B

Gas-passer B

Stairmaster B

[Guest evenflowDDT]

 

"Yo I'm proud to be Grandmaster B / Proclaimed by the Rev R-A-N-T / As whiter than the walls of the padded room / Where I live my life and plan your doom / One day I'll bring down society / Make everyone love the dumb films I see / Call me the virgin, the heathen, but I'll always be / The Everflowing Evenflowing DDT~!"

 

What what? Y'all just hatin' 'cuz you drank too much koolaid. I'm out!

[Guest MrRant]

Rhyme all you want Grand Bastard B.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

I forgot my belt, I don't remember why /

But this cat saw me saggin' and thought it was fly /

He came my way and he passed me a mic /

I said "Me rhyme? Yea I'll do it in a minute... PSYCHE~!" /

Slapped him in the face 'cuz I do what I like /

Never thinking that my free will would ever start a fight /

He introduced me to the wall, which I met with my face /

Said his name was Schwarzenegger and I'd soon be erased /

I started praying for anyone, or an-y-bod-y /

Than I remembered what I saw on RAW last week /

I laughed: "Yo Bitch, ya three minutes are up!" /

The Island Boyz came and ate him like a queen eats a bishop /

But they turned to me, looking hungry as ever /

I had to think of something but I wasn't feeling clever /

So I just whipped out a knife and their tongues I severed /

A good move or not? Hell I'm not a debater /

But some more of this story will surely come later...