EWR Diary for XPW

[Guest the 1inch punch]

2 Tickets to Paradise is the best name for a tag team, EVER

[Guest netslob]

you should play up the "crotchety-old-veteran" angle with Funk: "Back in MY day, we hadda walk FIFTEEN miles in the snow to get to a match, and had to wrestle 4 matches in a row and got paid 5 cents, but we were THANKFUL!"

 

great job. keep it up.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Scene of the Crime for April 27th 2003

Live from a crack house in Long Beach (lot of crime going on there)

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Sandy: “Scene of the crime? What crime?”

Joey: “Maybe the fact that the XPW exists in the first place.”

 

Lady Victoria and the Flock-Nest traipse through the back looking for Major Gunns with chairs at the ready and tennis rackets lubed. They run into T’Pol with a cell phone. It’s Major Gunns. She’s up at a spa in the mountains getting her ass waxed (take that anyway you’d like) to speed up the healing process. Feel free to strip and anally rape T’Pol though. T’Pol’s deadpan response, “Oh, joy.”

Segment Rating: 70%

 

Let’s Get the Losers Out of the Way Early Six-Man Tag Match

Chetti\Ahmed\Doring vs Jihad\Muhammed\Webb:

Doring bodyslams Raphael Muhammed. Back elbow connects, Muhammed staggers backward. Tag between Danny Doring and Ahmed Johnson. Punch by Ahmed, missing Muhammed by a good six inches. Ahmed Johnson DDTs Muhammed, poorly executed. Hooks the leg for a two count. Ahmed tags out to Chris Chetti. Ahmed \ Chetti hook up Muhammed, then hit a double suplex. Chris Chetti hits a rolling kick on Muhammed. Muhammed kicks Chris Chetti in the gut to reverse the momentum. Weak bodyslam on Chetti by Muhammed. Tag to Webb. Big clothesline on Chetti. Lifting DDT by Webb, looked good. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Running knee lift from Webb. Webb tags out to Salid Jihad. Chetti hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. Running clothesline from Salid Jihad, sloppily done. Chetti blocks a punch. Tag between Chris Chetti and Danny Doring. Stun Gun from Danny Doring! There used to be this blonde guy in WCW in the early 90's who used that...i wonder what happened to him? Jihad tags out to Raphael Muhammed. Raphael Muhammed hits Doring. Raphael Muhammed gets taken down out of nowhere. Raphael Muhammed is in trouble. Wham Bam!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

(Post match, Webb and the New Panthers throw an eight ball of crack and a box of donuts at Ahmed Johnson to make good their escape. Ahmed gets so confused that he eats the crack and smokes the donuts. I think he’ll be on the shelf for a while.)

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 60%

 

I fired Kriss Kloss (who will still make you jump jump) a while back, so Julio Dinero has to conduct his own interview.

“So, Julio Dinero, do you have any words for Honky Tonk Orton on your big contest for the XPW Deathmatch Title later tonight?”

“You bet, Julio Dinero, Orton has been running from me since he came into this league and tonight he’s going to get what’s coming to him.”

“And your opinion on it being a barbed wire deathmatch, Julio Dinero?”

“I’ll tell you, Julio Dinero, I’ve been thinking a lot about that and I wouldn’t want it any other way. It just makes it easier for me to carve up Orton’s pretty face.”

“No prettier than yours, Julio Dinero.”

“You’re a pretty good looking guy yourself, Julio Dinero.”

“If I was gay, Julio Dinero, you’d be the first guy I’d go after.”

“Well, Julio Dinero, who says your not.”

Dinero makes out with himself to end the segment.

Segment Rating: 55%

 

The Sandman is quite disheartened that there’s a dining room table (with the leaves in mind you) piled from end to end with crack in the green room, but no beer. Looks like he’ll have to raid the medical staff’s cabinets for rubbing alcohol again. Supreme then attacks him out of nowhere with a Coat Rack Steven Richards to the head. He throws some crack in his eyes and beats him like Wahoo McDaniels in a cage match. GQ Money makes the save and smokes the Sandman’s face.

Segment Rating: 69%

(I seem to get a 69 out of this game a lot…wait…no…scratch that.)

 

They’re Going to Keep Wrestling this Match Until They Get it Right for the XPW Tag Team Titles

Mexico's Most Wanted vs FN All Stars:

Badly executed second rope splash by Damien. Wild Child tags out to FlockNest Monster. Damien 666 arm drags Nesty over. Tag between Damien 666 and Halloween. Halloween, chanelling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on FlockNest Monster. Nesty tags out to American Wild Child. Badly executed second rope splash by Halloween. Halloween with an enziguri. Halloween scores with a forearm, sending Wild Child down into the corner. The referee pulls Halloween away to get the break. Wait! Wild Child has pulled something out of his tights. Halloween walks over...and gets floored by a punch! No, the referee saw the brass knuckles! We have DQ decision! FN All Stars look like they aren't done...and they attack Mexico's Most Wanted! After an exchange of blows, Halloween and Damien are laid out in the ring. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(The XPW: we’re not below stealing from William Regal. Mexico’s Most Wanted have been the tag champs since I started the game, but since I don’t, you know, have any other good tag teams it’s kind of the necessity of the thing.)

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 42%

Match Quality: 67%

 

Excruciating Barbed Wire of Death Match for the XPW Deathmatch Title

Honky Tonk Orton vs Julio Dinero:

Orton hits a right hand. Honky Tonk Orton throws Dinero into the barbed wire! Big backdrop on Dinero, executed well. Running knee lift from Honky Tonk Orton. Julio Dinero ducks a clothesline attempt. Julio Dinero throws Orton back-first into the barbed wire. Orton takes a hurrancarana from Julio Dinero. Julio Dinero misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Orton hits a stump piledriver on Julio Dinero. Death valley driver by Honky Tonk Orton, Julio Dinero got planted. Honky Tonk Orton misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Dropkick connects, Orton goes down. Orton backdrops Julio Dinero out of a piledriver attempt. Flying shoulder tackle by Orton sends Dinero to the mat. Honky Tonk Orton throws Dinero into the barbed wire...and he goes over, getting hung by the wire!! Orton pulls him back into the ring, then makes the cover and gets the three count over a bloody opponent. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(Originally I was going to put Julio over here, but Orton refused to take a sick bump for the finish. Julio didn’t have a problem with it though and, while not injured, is at 54% physical condition and will need a few weeks off to heal up. So, being a giant pussbag allowed Orton to retain the Deathmatch title, the belt not for pussbags. He’s a damn genius.)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 65%

Match Quality: 54%

 

Not So Ultimate, More Appalling Submission Match for the XPW Television Title Even though we’re not on Television

Perry Saturn vs Kaos:

Kaos walks into a high dropkick from Perry Saturn. Perry Saturn with a spinning neckbreaker on Kaos. Spin kick by Perry Saturn to the face. Kaos pushes out of a Perry Saturn hold. Super kick by Kaos. Saturn blocks the suplex attempt. Saturn crushes Kaos with a running senton. Delayed brainbuster suplex, Saturn held that one for ages. Kaos blocks a punch. Kick from Kaos to the leg. Perry Saturn pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Saturn hits a dropkick on Kaos. Perry Saturn has Kaos down...and locks in the Rings Of Saturn for the submission victory! I don't think the fight has finished. Perry Saturn and Kaos have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(For a submission match there was only one submission hold used and no psychology leading up to it. This game does understand how crappy the XPW is. Wow, virtual intelligence improves by the day.)

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 72%

 

Oddly Enough Not for a Title Singles Match of Some Mild Interest

Supreme vs The Sandman:

Supreme strikes The Sandman. The Sandman takes a right hand to the temple from Supreme. Weak bodyslam on Sandman by Supreme. Sandman gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. The Sandman avoids a Supreme avalanche. The Sandman punches away at Supreme. Powerslam from The Sandman on Supreme. Cover for a two count. Supreme backdrops The Sandman out of a piledriver attempt. Supreme DDTs Sandman, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. There's a two count on the pin. Sloppy tornado punch from Supreme, Sandman barely got hit. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Sandman ducks a wild right hand. Supreme takes a weak kick. Supreme powers out of a The Sandman headlock. The Sandman takes a right hand to the temple from Supreme. FlockNest Monster comes running down the aisle and into the ring! The Sandman turns around.... and gets floored! FlockNest Monster climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Moonsault!!! Nesty leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Supreme defeats Sandman. Supreme and Nesty are beating the hell out of The Sandman! GQ Money sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Supreme, exchanging punches, while The Sandman comes back, sending Nesty out of the ring with a clothesline. GQ \ Sandman have cleared the ring, driving off Supreme and Nesty! Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(The FlockNest Monster just waltzes into the ring and takes out the Sandman without even a ref bump to cover for him. XPW: Home of bad angles done badly.)

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 67%

Match Quality: 53%

 

Don’t Hold Out a Lot of Hope for This One, Falls Count Anywhere Match for the XPW World Title

Terry Funk vs Johnny Smith:

Johnny Smith hangs Funker in a tree-of-woe in the corner, then hits a golf club to the nuts. Reverse DDT into a backbreaker by Johnny Smith, great move. There's a two count on the pin. Funker blocks a kick from Johnny Smith. Funker strikes away at Johnny Smith. Terry Funk with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Johnny. Hooks the leg for a two count. Frying pan shot by Funker. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Johnny Smith takes a right hand to the temple from Funker. They brawl to the outside and into the crowd. Terry Funk uses a headbutt on the outside. Hooks the leg for a two count. Terry Funk punches Johnny on the outside. They wind up back in the squared circle. Funker only gets knees on a splash. Gutwrench into a stomach breaker, Funker may be winded. There's a two count on the pin. Johnny Smith nearly kills Funker with a released tiger suplex. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Gut buster, Funker hits hard. Gutwrench powerbomb through a table on Funker. Funker counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Johnny takes a vertical suplex. Sloppy tornado punch from Terry Funk, Johnny barely got hit. Terry Funk moves in for the kill. DDT!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Terry Funk is still in the ring celebrating. Johnny Smith pushes the referee away, then drops Funker to the canvas! Johnny Smith quickly locks on the Leglock Submission! Terry Funk is left hurt on the canvas. **1\2 rating for a decent contest.

Winner: Terry Funk

(JESUS CHRIST! It’s a falls count anywhere match and they spend almost the whole damn time in the ring wrestling like it’s a hardcore match (props to the golf club to the nuts shot though). I’m this close to pushing Ahmed Johnson to the World Title and having him feud with the Alter Boys. Don’t mess with me EWR!)

Overall Rating: 68%

Crowd Reaction: 62%

Match Quality: 74%

 

Show Rating: 61%

Attendance: 719 junkies, hookers, deadbeats and other assorted Sandman fans

 

Coming up look for more of the same old stuff as we push the same old guys against the same old guys in the same old angles. But the month after that, big changes, yes sir, big changes. Yes…changes…big…big changes…yup…changes that are big…sure…yeah…

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for April 28th 2003

Live from a vacant lot next to a crack house in Long Beach (nobody felt like driving)

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

 

Terry Funk walks out to address the crowd after retaining the XPW World Title the night before. He would like to attribute this win to heroes of his growing up like Strom Thurmond, Spartacus and that hippie dude who used to live down the street, Jesus something or other. His revelry is cut short as Lady Victoria, Supreme and Johnny Smith attack him from out of the crowd (or what passes for a ‘crowd’ at XPW shows). Funk fights them off gallantly until his dentures pop out in the melee and the Flock-Nest use the distraction to cold cock him with Coat Rack Steven Richards. “In my day we didn’t even have COATS!”

Segment Rating: 55%

 

Cut to the back where Ahmed Johnson is following a trail of chicken wings on the floor. They stop at a table in an empty room. From the other direction comes Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti following a trail of women’s phone numbers with the note “only call us if you are related to Tazz” on them. It’s an ambush! The FlockNest Monster and American Wildchild attack the duo and powerbomb them through the table. The FlockNest Monster then starts eating the chicken wings while Wildchild collects the phone numbers to call later, but stops when he sees that they say “only call if you are related to Tazz.” Sure they setup the ambush, but neither is the shiniest penny in the jar.

Segment Rating: 59%

 

Honky Tonk Orton is thrilled that he will be facing Perry Saturn tonight for a chance at the XPW Television Title. If he wins he’ll become the first double singles champion in XPW history. Damn, that means he would have more of a reason to stick around and be even more entrenched in the XPW. Orton goes to coat himself in butter and see if Ahmed will eat him to death.

Segment Rating: 62%

 

Show is Half Over Opening Singles Match

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs FlockNest Monster:

Spinning back kick from Chris Chetti. Dropkick connects, Nesty goes down. Chris Chetti hits a rolling kick on Nesty. Second rope flying axe handle, Nesty goes down. Chetti walks into a trip. Second rope flying axe handle, Chetti goes down. Lightning kick by Nesty on Chetti. Hooks the leg for a two count. Chetti counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Nesty is down. Cover for a two count. Back heel kick off the second rope, Nesty goes down. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Nesty powers out of a headlock. FlockNest Monster scores with a back heel kick on Chetti. Chetti blocks the suplex attempt. Flying elbow from Chris Chetti. FlockNest Monster is in trouble. Here it comes - Chetti-Plex. 1....2...3, it's finished. Chris Chetti offers a handshake to Nesty...and he accepts it! No! FlockNest Monster levels Chetti with a cheap shot right hand! FlockNest Monster climbs to the top rope and hits the Moonsault! Chris Chetti has been knocked silly. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(Tazz is quite displeased with his cousin offering a handshake post match. What are they the Santana family? Ahmed takes Chetti down to the boardwalk for a shrimp burrito to cheer him up. Fuck, not even Ahmed will eat those things.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 40%

Match Quality: 72%

 

Something’s Rotten in the State of Denmark Singles Match for the XPW Television Title

Perry Saturn vs Honky Tonk Orton:

Honky Tonk Orton hits some punches. Stiff chop lights up Saturn. Flying shoulder tackle by Orton sends Saturn to the mat. Flying shoulder tackle by Orton sends Saturn to the mat. Saturn kicks Honky Tonk Orton in the gut to reverse the momentum. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Super frankensteiner on Orton, who hit hard. Hooks the leg for a two count. Orton drops out the back of a Perry Saturn bodyslam attempt. Spinebuster by Honky Tonk Orton. Cover for a two count. Honky Tonk Orton scores with a standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Saturn counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Perry Saturn strikes Orton. Saturn walks into a trip. Orton slams Perry Saturn down. Kaos comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! Saturn turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Kaos! Kaos has left Saturn in big trouble. Honky Tonk Orton moves in for the kill. Shake, Rattle and Orton! 1....2....3. Orton and Kaos put the boots to Perry Saturn, stomping away on him. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(ORTON IS A DOUBLE CHAMPION!!! I’m sure you can all guess where this is going. HHH better watch out if Orton is this smart in real life. And Orton’s morale is still only at 82%. He’s a damn double champion and the most over heel in the company and he’s still not skipping around giddy while whistling Dixie. Does he want T’Pol to give him a blowjob? Does he want Ahmed Johnson to give him a blowjob? Maybe he still realizes that he works for the XPW. I’m sure that gun gets closer to his temple by the day.)

Winner: Honky Tonk Orton and new champion

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 65%

 

Show Rating: 59%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 170 people who were too damn drunk or stoned to leave after the Scene of the Crime the previous day.

 

Keep the positive feedback and comments coming. They've been a great help and you can see that I've taken some tips into my writing.

[Guest Sandman9000]

More sodomy. It isn't XPW without objects going into people's rectums.

 

-edit: And more of the Gonad Whacker. I mark for that.

[Guest chirs3]

I, too, mark for the Gonad Whacker.

 

How much longer is Steven Richards gonna be out? Odd as it may sound, I find the Coat Rack amusing, and I'd hate to see him/it just get tossed into a corner somewhere, or used as a tennis-racket-sodomizing-alternative (although really, that would be interesting).

 

Honky Tonk Orton as a double champ is gold, GOLD I say! If the game weren't such a biatch about "physical condition" (pshaw!), I'd say let him fight twice a show.

[Guest chirs3]

BUMP! I refuse to let this masterpiece fall off the "active in the past week" list!

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

I'm working on a new entry and it will be up by midnight most likely. I've been held up this past week with writing a very long match for the SWF. Thank you to all the readers who have expressed intrest in knowing when a new update will be coming.

 

Stevens Richards is due off of injury at the end of the current month. The Gonad Wacker will return soon.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for April 30th 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Major Gunns is back from her spa vacation and ready for anal sex. The San Diego Chargers clear their calendars for the next month. While she’s putting a cozy on the plunger in her office, Perry Saturn walks in and demands a match with Honky Tonk Orton tonight for his Deathmatch title, since Orton took his Television title on Monday. Gunns is cool with that, if Saturn gives her a little something something beforehand. Uh…ok, but he gets to take the plunger out to dinner. Deal!

Segment Rating: 64%

 

Terry Funk plops down at the announcer’s table. Joey Styles informs him that it’s not Monday, so he’s not on commentary. Well, in his day there were two Mondays in a week and six Thursdays, so shut the hell up. He’s the World Champion and in his day that meant something. Well, we don’t have six Thursdays anymore ei…whack! Joey Styles takes a cookie sheet to the head. Johnny Smith is never getting another shot at his World Title belt ever. However, Terry Funk is not a man to run so he is going to give every single member of the Flock-Nest one title shot and one title shot only. And they only get until the end of the month to take the matches; because then he goes on Social Security and has to cut his dates back or lose his check.

Segment Rating: 66%

 

Feels Like the First Time, but Not Really Singles Match

Danny Doring vs Evan Karagias:

Evan Karagias walks into a stiff lariat clothesline from Doring. Danny Doring with a spinning neckbreaker on Karagias. There's a two count on the pin. Karagias powers out of a headlock. Karagias hits a dropkick on Danny Doring. 'Hit' may be an exaggeration, as it barely touched. Karagias hits a quick kick on Doring. Evan Karagias arm drags Doring over. Doring counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Karagias walks into a jaw breaker. Evan Karagias can barely stand. Here it comes - Wham Bam. 1....2...3, it's finished. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(You’d think after six hundred matches, they could get over a *1/2, it’s not like they’re Albert and Big Show here. Although they might be jobbing to them soon.)

Winner: Danny Doring

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 66%

 

Who Wants to be Fired Singles Match

Webb vs El Mosca De La Merced:

Webb hits a stump piledriver on El Mosca De La Merced. Death valley driver by Webb, El Mosca De La Merced got planted. Powerbomb on Mosca. Pin, but Mosca is out just before the three count. Back elbow connects, Mosca staggers backward. Hooks the leg for a two count. Mosca powers out of a headlock. Second rope flying axe handle, Webb goes down. Flying reverse elbow by El Mosca De La Merced. Webb powers out of a headlock. Massive backbreaker, Mosca got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. Webb ducks a Mosca clothesline and does a quick roll up. Webb has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! DUD.

(Once again Merced sinks the match by not selling, but he only does it against Webb. Webb informs me that Merced cannot work XPW style and his breaking of kayfabe is sinking the fed. I’d rename him WWW, but if a panda bear can take the WWE down imagine what the whole internet could do to me.)

Winner: Webb

Overall Rating: 40%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 44%

 

Danny Doring runs in from the back and slides into the ring. He runs up to Webb and…forgets what he was going to do. Shit, give him a minute. Ok, ok, I run from the back, I get in the ring, I attack Webb and I…hold on, let me got back and ask Sophie. Webb says to hell with it and crotches himself into the post like he was Mr. Perfect with a superball up his ass. Nice selling.

Segment Rating: 51%

 

Johnny Smith is totally pissed off about not getting another title shot at Terry Funk. Well, with Smith he looks constipated more than anything when he’s trying to display emotion. Lady Victoria tells him not to worry. The Flock-Nest will bring the World Title back into the fold later tonight, but right now he has to get psyched up for a match with Damien 666. Smith says he’s pumped up, but still looks constipated. We’ll work on that.

Segment Rating: 50%

 

Funny thing happened on the way to pasting the Johnny Smith vs. Damien 666 match. I apparently didn’t hit the copy button right and I just pasted the Webb vs. Merced match again without notice until now. Or maybe I did do it right and my computer just didn’t register it. I start this damn thing with a lawnmower cord and still play Oregon Trail on it. Use your imagination for the match. Punch, punch, punch, blown spinebuster, dropkick misses by a mile, kick, kick, nutshot, teardrop suplex, remember when that was Shawn Michaels’ finisher, stun gun, remember when that was Steve Austin’s finisher, blah blah blah, somebody runs in, ref gets bumped for no reason, Joey can’t believe it, leglock thingy of death. Smith wins. Cut to a commercial for the Taco Hut.

Winner: Johnny Smith

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 49%

Match Quality: 73%

 

Lady Victoria is prepared to announce who will be taking the first shot at Terry Funk for the World title later tonight. Not only will it be the first shot, but the only shot the Flock-Nest will need as this is the man who’s going to win the title and send that geriatric to the retirement home…AMERICAN WILDCHILD! Crickets chirp, a tumbleweed rolls by, not even Joey Style sounds excited.

Segment Rating: 57%

 

Not the Main Event, Because Terry Has to take his Liver Pill by 11p.m. XPW World Title Match

Terry Funk vs American Wild Child:

Wild Child hits an arm drag on Funker. American Wild Child hits a sloppy double axe handle. Cover for a two count. Funker pushes out of a American Wild Child hold. Lame kick from Funker. Wild Child takes a vertical suplex. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Funker on Wild Child. Pin, but Wild Child is out just before the three count. Terry Funk with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Wild Child. Wild Child reverses a waistlock. American Wild Child uses a running dropkick into the corner. There's a two count on the pin. Flying knee to the face from American Wild Child. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Hooks the leg for a close fall. Funker takes a chop from Wild Child. American Wild Child strikes Funker. Funker powers out of a headlock. Wild Child gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Funker DDTs American Wild Child. American Wild Child is in trouble. DDT! 1....2....3. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(An old man and a kid who hasn’t worn out his first razor do just as well as four guys I’ve had wrestle sixty times already. Now I know why most wrestling bookers are insane. Kevin Sullivan sends me a sympathy card and a note not to let Johnny Smith anywhere near Sophie. The quiet ones take your old lady every time.)

Winner: Terry Funk

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Match Quality: 63%

 

Honky Tonk Orton walks through the back with giant rose-colored glasses, rings on every finger, scarves on his shoulders and fifteen guys with sideburns out to here and drinking PBR mumbling, “that’s a good one Big O.” Orton scoffs at me trying to put a weight clause in his contract.

Segment Rating: 49%

 

Cage Match of Fiery Death Deathmatch for the XPW Deathmatch Title

Perry Saturn vs Honky Tonk Orton:

Standing leg lariat by Perry Saturn on Orton. Perry Saturn drives Orton into the cage side. Perry Saturn and Orton climb the cage....but both end up crashing back to the canvas after a struggle! Fallaway slam by Perry Saturn. Perry Saturn with a spinning neckbreaker on Orton. Orton kicks Perry Saturn in the gut to reverse the momentum. Honky Tonk Orton drives Saturn into the cage side. Massive backbreaker, Saturn got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. Honky Tonk Orton climbs the cage, but gets pulled down by Saturn! Perry Saturn pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Saturn crushes Orton with a running senton. Death valley driver by Perry Saturn, Honky Tonk Orton got planted. Perry Saturn misses a clothesline. Orton slams Perry Saturn. Saturn blocks the suplex attempt. Saturn climbs the cage...but Honky Tonk Orton is in hot pursuit, and they both end up back on the canvas. Back elbow connects, Orton staggers backward. Honky Tonk Orton gets knocked to the ground by Saturn. Honky Tonk Orton gets locked in the Rings Of Saturn! Honky Tonk Orton goes limp! Perry Saturn and Orton climb the cage....until Honky Tonk Orton gets knocked off by a right hand! Saturn climbs over the top for the win! Kaos comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Saturn gets slammed down. Kaos climbs to the top rope...Kaostrify! Perry Saturn has been left down on the canvas. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(Yes, we basically just switched belts. As long as I keep the mops in heavy supply Saturn will wrestle any type of match I want and I don’t care if Kaos breaks every bone in his body taking a suicide dive off the Joe Louis Arena. Orton can have the pussy TV title, but since Dinero is still in no shape to compete, he has no real challengers. Orton is a goddamn genius. Yet then again, he is under contract to the XPW. Things that make you go hmm…)

Winner: Perry Saturn

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 60%

Match Quality: 61%

 

Show Rating: 56%

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 167 people still following us from The Scene of the Crime hoping we have more crack.

 

Thanks for hanging in there with me guys and I promise to have another installment up by tomorrow night. A lot of feuds and storylines are getting rapped up this month and I’ve got a lot of really bad….er, really swell ideas in the wings. (C’mon King Kong Bundy, take us to the promised land.)

[Guest The Notorious CRD]

Post match, Webb and the New Panthers throw an eight ball of crack and a box of donuts at Ahmed Johnson to make good their escape. Ahmed gets so confused that he eats the crack and smokes the donuts. I think he’ll be on the shelf for a while.

 

Oh man, that is gold right there. LOL I spit water everywhere after reading that. Keep up the good work!

[Guest Goodear]

Wait a minute,,, if Steven Richards comes back from injury and meets the Coat Rack version of himself from another universe, will the world end in an antimatter explosion?

 

The world awaits Bundy vs. Ahmed in the donut eating contest. Loser has to lose 15 pounds match...

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for May 5th 2003

Live going doing highway 40 in a big ol’ pickup truck

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

 

Opening Major Ass Beat Down

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Adnon El Big Kahuna:

Lightning kick by Chetti on Adnon. Adnon El Big Kahuna can barely stand. Here it comes - Chetti-Plex. 1....2...3, it's finished. This one gets * rating and likes it.

(Post match, Chetti does a soft shoe routine to kill time. Then remembers that he’s Tazz’s cousin and Tazz’s cousin don’t dance. Does that make Tazz a Chetti, or is Chetti like a Tazz on his mom’s side? I’ve been wondering that.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 36%

Match Quality: 67%

 

Honky Tonk Orton and Kaos find Perry Saturn flipping through a janitorial catalogue with a hard on. They demand a tag team match tonight with him and Julio Dinero. GQ Money just happens by (“no, man it says right here in the script I’m supposed to…oh, yeah, yeah”) and will take Dinero’s slot in the match since his fellow Money Man is still on the down low on the DL. You got a match! …………uh, is that it. Man that was a pointless segment. You guys all want to play canasta or something?

Segment Rating: 59%

 

I Have Tag Titles, Might as well Use the Damn Things Triple Threat Elimination Match for the XPW Tag Team Titles

Mexico's Most Wanted vs New Panthers vs Politically Incorrect:

MJ gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. MJ receives some unexciting punishment. Muhammed tags out to Salid Jihad. The Miserly Jew takes a right hand to the temple from Jihad. Jihad hits a stump piledriver on The Miserly Jew, although it was quite weak in its execution. Jihad tags out to Raphael Muhammed. New Panthers whip MJ into the corner. Raphael Muhammed whips Salid Jihad in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Tag between The Miserly Jew and The Drunk Irishman. The Drunk Irishman with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Muhammed. Cover for a two count. Tag to Halloween. Halloween strikes Irishman. Tag to Salid Jihad. Halloween, chanelling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on Salid Jihad. Halloween tags out to Damien 666. Damien 666 with an enziguri. Pin, but Jihad is out just before the three count. Damien tags out to The Drunk Irishman. Uninspiring brawling from The Drunk Irishman. Salid Jihad powers out of a The Drunk Irishman headlock. Salid Jihad DDTs Irishman, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Pin, three count, it's over. Salid Jihad pins Irishman. Weak headbutt on Damien by Jihad. Damien gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Jihad tags out to Raphael Muhammed. Muhammed DDTs Damien 666. Damien powers out of a headlock. Damien tags out to Halloween. Back heel kick from Halloween on Muhammed. Halloween moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Nightmare Slam. 1....2...3, it's finished. Rating: 1\2 star.

(Nightmare Slam on Monday Nightmare, isn’t that conveeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient. Also note that the final fall lasted about as long considering the Sandman for your designated driver. I’ve said it before, but Ahmed Johnson is just a black hole of suck pulling down everyone in the locker room. He so fits right in to the fed.)

Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 33%

Match Quality: 63%

 

T’Pol is sent out from the back, but she’s not sure why. SHOW US YOUR TITS! She really doesn’t have anything to talk about. SHOW US YOUR TITS! She will be in Money and Saturn’s corner later tonight, but…SHOW US YOUR TITS! Please, she is a highly intelligent, independent, liberated wo…SHOW US YOUR FUCKING TITS! Oh, to hell with it. T’Pol flashes the crowd and storms to the back. Oddly, it was Terry Funk at the commentator’s table screaming it the whole time. That old randy dog.

Segment Rating: 80% (highest rated segment ever!)

 

Main Event Tag Match that Really Doesn’t Mean Anything to Anybody

Orton \ Kaos vs Saturn \ GQ:

GQ gets slammed. Back elbow connects, GQ staggers backward. Hooks the leg for a two count. Orton tags out to Kaos. Orton \ Kaos whip GQ into the corner. Honky Tonk Orton whips Kaos in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. There's a two count on the pin. Driven DDT by Kaos. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. GQ counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Sloppy short range spear from GQ Money. There's a two count on the pin. GQ tags out to Perry Saturn. Flying reverse elbow by Perry Saturn. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Saturn uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Saturn drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Kaos hits a dropkick on Perry Saturn. Tag to Honky Tonk Orton. Orton slams Perry Saturn. Saturn tags out to GQ Money. Big clothesline on GQ. GQ scores with a forearm, sending Orton down into the corner. The referee pulls GQ Money away to get the break. Wait! Orton has pulled something out of his tights. GQ Money walks over...and gets floored by a punch! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the brass knuckles! I don't think the fight has finished. Orton \ Kaos and Saturn \ GQ have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(Ahmed Johnson runs down to help out and everyone starts screaming DON’T SHOW US YOUR TITS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SHOW US YOUR TITS!)

Winner: Honky Tonk Orton and Kaos

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 67%

 

Show Rating: 59%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 165 disfigured alien cat people (who actually thought the show was pretty good. Go figure.)

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for May 7th 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Opening Singles Match of Suck

The Miserly Jew vs Adnon El Big Kahuna:

Adnon receives some unexciting punishment. The Miserly Jew strikes Adnon. The Miserly Jew with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Adnon. Running clothesline from The Miserly Jew, sloppily done. The Miserly Jew gets taken down out of nowhere. Running clothesline from Adnon El Big Kahuna, sloppily done. Adnon El Big Kahuna hits a sloppy double axe handle. Cover for a two count. MJ counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. The Miserly Jew hits a delayed suplex on Adnon. Hooks the leg for a two count. The Miserly Jew scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Adnon El Big Kahuna comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. MJ takes a back suplex. The Miserly Jew comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. MJ drives a thrust kick into the chest of Adnon. The Miserly Jew has Adnon El Big Kahuna down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Shooting Star of David Press, forget about it. 1....2...3! Slap a DUD on it, move on.

(Joe Lieberman called and said to push the Miserly Jew or he would personally come down and cram a menorah up Rob Black’s ass. Those are prongy. I bet we could pop a ppv buy rate for that though.)

Winner: The Miserly Jew

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 26%

Match Quality: 58%

 

Secondary Hardcore Match of Suck

Damien 666 vs Alter Boy Matthew:

Damien snapmares Alter Boy Matthew. Damien drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Dropkick connects, Damien goes down. Damien reverses an irish whip...and Alter Boy Matthew runs into the referee. Springboard dropkick from Alter Boy Matthew. Nicely done. Cover, but there's no one to count for Alter Boy Matthew. Damien 666 elbows Alter Boy Matthew in the face to break a hammerlock. Damien 666 dropkicks Matthew after leaping off an upturned shopping cart. Back heel kick from Damien on Matthew. Hooks the leg for a two count. Flying knee to the face from Damien 666. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Hooks the leg for a close fall. Matthew reverses a waistlock. Springboard kick drives a table into Damien. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Damien drops out the back of a Alter Boy Matthew bodyslam attempt. Damien 666 has Alter Boy Matthew down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Top Legdrop, forget about it. 1....2...3! This one gets * rating and likes it.

(The “off the top top legdrop.” I’m told that Damien also does an on the ground grounded Octopus stretch and a standing standing spinebuster. Nova takes credit for inventing all the above moves. Shit, why don’t I have Nova on the roster?)

Winner: Damien 666

Overall Rating: 52%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 67%

 

Julio Dinero is still a little banged up from the match he had with Honky Tonk Orton at the Scene of the Crime. Don’t ask us what the match was, as no one can remember it two weeks later and we erased the tapes it was on so Rob Black could produce more porn. Dinero doesn’t care if Orton is the Deathmatch Champion, the Television Champion or the Watch Monkeys Fly out of My BUTT Champion (damn, the WXW already have that belt). He’s going to take whatever title Orton has off of him at the next big show and if he doesn’t have a title he’ll take that flashy eagle cape with all the sequins on it. He needs a Mother’s Day present anyway.

Segment Rating: 55%

 

The Sandman is having a beer in the back when Supreme comes by. They don’t know the cameras are on and Supreme talks in an English accent about the socio-economic state of Borneo. Sandman asks for a light of his smoke before he falls asleep. However, we all know how flammable alcohol is and the Sandman gets lit up like Peter O’Toole on his birthday (and yes I stole that from Dennis Miller). Sandman throws whisky on his face to put it out, but it just burns more. Supreme sees the camera on and starts blubbering “Supreme,Suprme,Supreme,Supreme” and craps his pants.

Segment Rating: 65%

 

Number One Contenders Fatal Four way Squash for a Shot at the XPW Deathmatch Title

Danny Doring vs Alter Boy Luke vs Evan Karagias vs American Wild Child:

Hard back suplex on Wild Child. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Spinning back kick from Alter Boy Luke. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between Alter Boy Luke and Evan Karagias. Karagias hits a dropkick on American Wild Child. 'Hit' may be an exaggeration, as it barely touched. Evan Karagias blasts Wild Child with a rather-less-than-super kick. Pin, but Wild Child is out just before the three count. Tag to Danny Doring. Gut buster, Wild Child hits hard. Tag to Alter Boy Luke. Luke hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Doring drops out the back of a Alter Boy Luke bodyslam attempt. Death valley driver by Danny Doring, Alter Boy Luke got planted. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Doring defeats Luke. Wild Child hits a flying kick on Doring. American Wild Child uses a running dropkick into the corner. Hooks the leg for a two count. Doring walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Doring tags out to Evan Karagias. Karagias hits a spinning back kick. Wild Child walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Wild Child blocks a kick from Evan Karagias. Karagias walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Wild Child face jams Evan Karagias. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Wild Child defeats Karagias. American Wild Child hits a crap missile dropkick on Doring. Diving headbutt from Wild Child, not much elevation. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. American Wild Child misses a clothesline. American Wild Child can barely stand. Here it comes - Wham Bam. 1....2...3, it's finished. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(After reading that match I am totally convinced about how overrated the ‘duck’ tactic is, but the ‘goose’ tactic doesn’t get nearly enough dap. I am also changing American Wild Child’s finisher to the “Crap Missile Dropkick.” Why is he the American Wild Child? Is there a Yugoslavian Wild Child running around out there somewhere? It’s questions like this and Sophie’s sweet lovin’ that keep me awake at night.)

Winner: Danny Doring

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 69%

 

Terry Funk needs to geometrically shave his stubble so he has that nice Sonny Crocket perpetual two-day growth. He’s trimming it up in the back when the FlockNest Monster attacks him and bloodies him with his razor. You have to consider that Funk uses a big ass machete and no shaving cream, because he’s a crotchety old man and, damn Chewbacca, that’s how crotchety old men shave.

Segment Rating: 59%

 

A Match that Should Just Plain Suck

Ahmed Johnson vs Johnny Smith:

Johnny Smith uses move #193 (arm-BAR). Johnny Smith gets taken down out of nowhere. Incredibly weak headbutt on Johnny by Ahmed. Johnny Smith charges, Ahmed moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Ahmed Johnson drops Johnny with a clothesline. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Johnny Smith reverses a hip toss. Ahmed Johnson takes a butterfly suplex from Johnny. Brutal T-Bone suplex by Johnny, Ahmed got folded in half. Cover for a two count. Blind lariat by Johnny, Ahmed never saw it coming until it was too late. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Ahmed Johnson powers out of a Johnny Smith headlock. Messed up bodyslam by Ahmed. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Ahmed Johnson misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Lady Victoria is at ringside! Ahmed wastes valuable time by yelling at Lady! Johnny Smith takes advantage of the distraction and nails Ahmed from behind! Johnny Smith floors Ahmed Johnson. Ahmed Johnson gets locked in the Leglock Submission! Submission victory! Ahmed Johnson slides to the outside and grabs a chair, then climbs back into the ring. Lady turns around...and gets planted with a huge chair shot to the head! She is left down and out on the canvas. I'll give a 1\2 star rating

(I don’t know what the hell I was thinking here. I was looking at the roster and thinking Johnny should wrestle, Ahmed should wrestle, let’s smoke a joint, YEAH, LET’S HAVE THEM WRESTLE EACH OTHER! This would be what JR would call a “clash of styles,” like when William Regal wrestles anybody. And notice how Johnny Smith’s short name is just ‘Johnny.’ I understand how common Smith is, but isn’t Johnny a common name too? I think I’ll give him the nickname of Angry Johnny. Nope, can’t do that, he might actually have a character and get over.)

Winner: Johnny Smith

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 40%

Match Quality: 61%

 

T’Pol and Terry Funk are in the back to hype the upcoming match with the Flo… “SHOW US YOUR TITS!” “Shut up, Terry.” Funk has his whole head rapped in toilet paper. He considers those stencil pencils and severe medical attention to be for pussies. T’Pol realizes that the FlockNest is just throwing cannon fodder at Funk until they make the big play for his title belt next week with Supreme. I have an in-depth continuing storyline. Rob Black is so against that.

Segment Rating: 68%

 

Number One Contenders Not Quite a Squah And Not So Fatal Four Way for a Shot at the XPW Television Title

Webb vs GQ Money vs Halloween vs Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti:

Halloween takes a headbutt from Webb. Flying shoulder tackle by Webb sends Halloween to the mat. There's a two count on the pin. Halloween counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Tag to Chris Chetti. Second rope flying axe handle, Webb goes down. Chris Chetti misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. DDT from the top rope by Chris Chetti. That looked brutal. Cover, but there's no one to count for Chris Chetti. Second rope flying axe handle, Webb goes down. Webb blocks a kick from Chris Chetti. Tag to GQ Money. Badly executed second rope splash by GQ. Chetti takes a vertical suplex. Chetti counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Tornado DDT from Chris Chetti, GQ got planted. Cover gets three. Chris Chetti pinned GQ. Kick from Halloween to the leg. Halloween hits a spinning back kick. Cover for a two count. Halloween hits a crap missile dropkick on Chetti. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Chetti counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Tiger suplex on Halloween, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Tag between Chris Chetti and Webb. Massive lariat, apparently Webb has been watching The Best Of Stan Hansen again. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Webb defeats Halloween. Chetti receives some punishment. Webb gets taken down out of nowhere. Super kick by Chris Chetti. Pin, but Webb is out just before the three count. Webb reverses a Chris Chetti hammerlock. Rude Awakening on Chris Chetti by Webb. Chris Chetti is in trouble. Here it comes - Powerbomb. 1....2...3, it's finished. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Webb steals the Rude Awakening for his neckbreaker, but his finisher is just a plain ass powerbomb! READER CONTEST: Name Webb’s finishing powerbomb! Which ever name I like best wins and that person gets to choose any wrestler available in the game for me to hire! It’s interactive! It involves exclamation points!)

Winner: Webb

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 45%

Match Quality: 64%

 

Lady Victoria is behind closed doors “motivating” the FlockNest Monster for his upcoming World title match. If you put your ear to the door you can hear a lot of slurping noises and “yeah, baby, who’s your monster? Who’s your monster?” Rob Black tells me that Lady Victoria will be having a special “motivational” session this Saturday to promote the XPW in the back of BUTT Beads and Beyond.

Segment Rating: 52%

 

There’s Only 35 Seconds Left Singles Match for the XPW World Title

Terry Funk vs FlockNest Monster:

Terry Funk hits a sloppy double axe handle. Terry Funk has FlockNest Monster down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Moonsault, forget about it. 1....2...3! Johnny Smith comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Funker gets floored...Leglock Submission! It's locked on tight! Terry Funk has been left down on the canvas. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(And this was still the best match of the night. You think Comcast could slip me some of that RAW overrun time, but nah. We don’t even have enough time left to run credits. Although the credits are usually just Old Gus wearing a sandwich board with names on it.)

Winner: Terry Funk

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 68%

 

Show Rating: 55%

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 164 anal retentive Comcast executives with stopwatches

[Guest Will Scarlet]

Good stuff as usual. As for Webb's finisher. I guess I would go with the "Webb Crawler." With a name like Webb, he seems to more suited to a submissioner finisher. Like the Webb of Deceit or something.

[Guest Sandman9000]

Still waiting for the Gonad Whacker.

 

And, FYI, Webb used to go by the name of "White Trash" Johnny Webb, so something like the White Trashinator or something.

[Guest ShooterJay]

Playing up the white trash angle:

The Shithole Slam

The Welfare Check

Sister Sodomizer

Incest Stretch

The Cletus Clutch

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for May 12th 2003

Live from Phil Spector’s House (dig that wall of sound)

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

 

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti arrives at the venue in a 1988 Pontiac Reliant K-Car station wagon. He’s getting his bags out of the back…bowling ball, anvil, sledgehammer, usual travel luggage. The New Panthers jump Chetti, beat the hell out of him with the stuff in his car and lock him in the back. “Dude, ain’t we going to steal his car?” “Man, not even we’d steal a K-car.”

Segment Rating: 45%

 

Let’s Just All Pretend this is a Handicap Match

Ahmed Johnson vs Alter Boy Luke vs Alter Boy Matthew:

Ahmed comes out for his tag match, but Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti is nowhere to be found and he must go it alone. Some weak shots by Ahmed. Spinning back kick from Alter Boy Luke. Alter Boy Matthew comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Matthew crushes Ahmed with a big legdrop. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Ahmed is down. There's a two count on the pin. Tornado DDT from Alter Boy Luke, Ahmed got planted. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Ahmed Johnson powers out of a Alter Boy Luke headlock. Matthew crushes Johnson with a running senton. Ahmed Johnson scores with a weakly-hit standing spinebuster. Alter Boy Matthew is in trouble. Pearl River Plunge!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(All you have to do is change a couple names here and there and voila, handicap match. Post match Ahmed sees Chetti’s figure near the entrance stage, he runs to him and finds a Chetti carved out of butter placed there as a decoy by the New Panthers. He eats half of it, throw ups and eats some more. I’m happy to say the statue was not anatomically correct.)

Winner: Ahmed Johnson

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 33%

Match Quality: 62%

 

GQ Money comes out to the ring. No one cares. He challenges Kaos to a match since he was pinned in the tag match last week. No one cares. Kaos comes out to accept. No one cares. And for kicks lets make it a gonad whacker on a pole match! The place erupts! Men have heart attacks, women give birth and children play in the streets. An inanimate object is the most over thing in the promotion. Coat Rack Steven Richards grumbles in the corner. If I could have a Coat Rack Steven Richards vs. Gonad Whacker match I would.

Segment Rating: 53%

 

Danny Doring is a Worthless Cock who Must be Put Over Like he was HHH

Danny Doring vs FlockNest Monster:

Double arm suplex by Danny Doring, Nesty hits hard. Big clothesline on Nesty. Tiger bomb by Danny Doring, although no mention is made of whether it originated in Pearl River. Powerbomb on Nesty. Danny Doring has FlockNest Monster down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Mamma Jamma Legdrop! 1....2....3. Webb comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! Doring turns...and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! Webb has left Doring down and bloodied. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(Who’s in charge of the FlockNest Monster’s conditioning, Scott Steiner? All his matches are shorter than a sustained Terry Funk erection. Also notice how much I’ve put Danny Doring over lately. He’s still at only 50% morale. He’s Danny Doring and he wrestles for the XPW fighting with Johnny Webb, what does he expect a fucking cookie every time he goes to the ring?)

Winner: Danny Doring

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 45%

Match Quality: 71%

 

Gonad Whacker on a Pole Match

GQ Money vs Kaos:

GQ walks into a high dropkick from Kaos. Stiff high kick on GQ by Kaos who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Second rope flying axe handle, GQ goes down. GQ takes a flying neckbreaker from Kaos. GQ Money elbows Kaos in the face to break a hammerlock. GQ flattens Kaos. GQ Money hits a shaky delayed suplex on Kaos. He heads for the pole, but Kaos cuts him off. Kaos reverses a GQ Money hammerlock. Flying reverse elbow by Kaos. Cover for a two count. Diamond Dust from Kaos, GQ is out. Kaos starts climbing the pole, but GQ drags him off the turnbuckles. GQ drops out the back of a Kaos bodyslam attempt. GQ Money hits a right hand on Kaos. Kaos takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Kaos hits a rolling kick on GQ. Kaos misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. GQ Money knocks Kaos to the outside, then signals for the Money Shot. He reaches out of the ring for Kaos...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee wakes up to see Kaos sliding in and retrieving the Gonad Whacker! Forget about it. An academic whack leads to a pinfall! 1…2…3 The fight has started up again! GQ Money attacks Kaos, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(All you have to do is change a few pinfalls here and there and viola, you’ve got a gonad whacker on a pole match. I would just write my own matches from scratch, but I’m not that motivated. Maybe I should call Lady Victoria, but I wouldn’t want Sophie to get jealous, she is a fine piece of ass in her own right. Post match, gonads get whacked and GQ Money looks to take his gold nuggets to the exchange counter.)

Winner: Kaos

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 45%

Match Quality: 68%

 

Show Rating: 52%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 161 dead floozies, at least they don’t ask for their money back

 

 

Keep the names coming for the powerbomb. I'll wait and see what else I get. I knew that Webb was White Trash Johnny Webb. I think I said something about being mad at him for getting away from his white trash roots. Maybe I should have him go back to that name. Couldn't hurt.

[Guest Goodear]

I would call it the Webb Jack ... because Jack Webb sounds like some police officer name from some TV show that I can't remember. The best part is I might have imagined the whole freaking thing.

 

Bonus Johnny Smith idea... He puts on sunglasses and calls everyone Mr. Whathaveyou and who he can't stand the smell of humans. That's right... he's Agent Smith!

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Jack Webb was the creator of the original Dragnet and played Sgt. Friday on the show.

 

Agent Smith? I'll go with a no on that one. I really don't think Johnny Smith has the personality to have a personality

[Guest the 1inch punch]

GODDAMN no creative juices in me!!!!!!!!

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Webb's Powerbomb names could be:

 

Trash Dump

Food Drive

Clothing Drop

Deliverance Bomb

Webb Shooter

[Guest Will Scarlet]

Trailer Park Thrash

Food Stamp

Wife Beater

[Guest Sandman9000]

The "God I Suck" Bomb.

[Guest Sandman9000]

Oh yeah, forgot this.

 

::Marks out like a motherfucker for the Gonad Whacker::

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Supreme sees the camera on and starts blubbering “Supreme,Suprme,Supreme,Supreme” and craps his pants.

 

Congrats, Frost. You made me spit cookies all over my god-damn desk. I hope you die.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for May 14th 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Opening Welcome Back Jobber Squash

Adnon El Big Kahuna vs Julio Dinero:

Standing leg lariat by Julio Dinero on Adnon. Adnon El Big Kahuna reverses a hip toss. Leg trip from Adnon El Big Kahuna. Julio Dinero charges, Adnon moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Adnon El Big Kahuna scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Julio Dinero pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Hard back suplex on Adnon. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Flying reverse elbow by Julio Dinero. There's a two count on the pin. Vicious kick to the teeth from Julio Dinero. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Adnon reverses a waistlock. Adnon El Big Kahuna scores with a face jam on Julio Dinero. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Adnon drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Julio Dinero moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Super Kick. 1....2...3, it's finished. Honky Tonk Orton comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Dinero turns around...straight into a Shake, Rattle and Orton!! Julio Dinero has been left down on the canvas. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(Tear drop suplexes, superkicks, is Shawn Michaels booking for me? Kahuna always jobs, but is at 100% morale. I’m thinking he knows he’s a jobber and is just real happy with all the T.V. time. This will not go unnoticed Adnon…as I will probably fire you with new additions after the first of the month.)

Winner: Julio Dinero

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 33%

Match Quality: 63%

 

Ahmed Johnson catches up to Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti and wants to know where he’s been since Monday when he didn’t show up for his tag match. Dude, he was locked in his car by the New Panthers. Good thing he had a stale bag of Combos in his trunk to eat. Stale combos…you got any left? Uh, that’s not important. They have a tag match next and he better have his ass out there. Chetti assures him that everything is good and he’ll try to make things up to Ahmed by taking him out to the Golden Corral this week. Ahmed just shakes his head, “You know I’m banned from all buffets on the west coast.”

Segment Rating: 51%

 

Tag Match for Storyline Purposes Only

Chetti \ Ahmed vs Politically Incorrect:

MJ hits an arm drag on Ahmed. Big dropkick by The Miserly Jew, who got good elevation. There's a two count on the pin. MJ tags out to The Drunk Irishman. Politically Incorrect whip Ahmed into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. There's a two count on the pin. The Drunk Irishman with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Ahmed. Ahmed counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Ahmed hits a stump piledriver on The Drunk Irishman. Hooks the leg for a two count. Ahmed tags out to Chris Chetti. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Irishman takes a flying neckbreaker from Chris Chetti. Chris Chetti misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Chetti gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Tag to The Miserly Jew. The Miserly Jew strikes Chris Chetti. Tag to Ahmed Johnson. Ahmed Johnson takes a right hand to the temple from MJ. New Panthers come running down the aisle with chairs! MJ and Ahmed Johnson continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Raphael Muhammed slides in and blasts Ahmed Johnson with a chair to the head! Muhammed climbs out of the ring, the damage done! The Miserly Jew floors Ahmed Johnson...and climbs the turnbuckles. Through the air, Shooting Star of David Press! 1....2....3. Chetti and Ahmed remain in the ring, arguing. Ahmed Johnson looks really angry. Chris Chetti pushes Ahmed away and walks off, looking furious. DUD.

(Do I sense animosity in wonderland? These lovers’ quarrels are going to tear that team apart. However, we should all know by now that Ahmed Johnson only has one true love……Asian whores. What did you think I was going to say spare ribs?)

Winner: Politically Incorrect

Overall Rating: 43%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 49%

 

Terry Funk prepares for his upcoming World Title match by gumming down some tapioca pudding, but the little bubbles rub hard on his gums. He goes to Dr. Nick for some Ambesol, but is jumped on his way there by the Flock-Nest! They leave him down and beaten. For extra insult Supreme steals his pudding. “Supreme like pudding.”

Segment Rating: 69%

 

Lady Victoria is out in the ring and proclaims that she, yes she, will be the next member of the Flock-Nest, yes the Flock-Nest, to face Terry Funk for his World Title, yes the World Title. So, he better get his ass out there to the ring right now, yes right now, or forfeit, yes forfeit, the belt. Why I am repeating everything, yes repeating everything, I don’t know.

Segment Rating: 62%

 

Swerve, but at Least we Set Up the Swerve, Single Match for the XPW World Title

Terry Funk vs Lady Victoria:

Weak headbutt on Lady by Funker. Terry Funk strikes Lady Victoria. Running clothesline from Terry Funk, sloppily done. Terry Funk strikes Lady Victoria. Lady pushes out of a Terry Funk hold. Incredibly weak powerslam on Funker by Lady. Lady Victoria hits a crap missile dropkick on Funker. There's a two count on the pin. Funker ducks a wild right hand. Terry Funk hits a sloppy double axe handle. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Funker on Lady. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Lady reverses a Terry Funk hammerlock. Chop by Lady on Funker. Funker counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Terry Funk with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Lady. Johnny Smith comes running down the aisle with a chair! Lady goes to irish whip Terry Funk into the ropes. Johnny prepares to swing the chair...but Terry Funk reverses! Johnny accidentally smacks Lady with a chair to the back! Lady Victoria can barely stand. DDT!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Lady \ Johnny are beating down on Terry Funk! The music of The Sandman hits, and he comes running down the aisle into the ring. Lady and Johnny bail out of the ring, leaving Terry Funk down in the ring. The Sandman may have saved Terry Funk from a brutal beating. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(This is the first time we have seen the Sandman since he was burned by Supreme. He’s wearing one of those Bill Lambieer facemasks, which makes him surlier than ever because you can’t drink beer through the damn thing. This now leaves Supreme as the Flock-Nest’s last hope to wrestle the title away from Terry Funk. Supreme’s response to having the weight of the world on his shoulders, “Supreme like pudding.”)

Winner: Terry Funk

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 44%

 

Perry Saturn arrives at the arena. A group of kids ask for is autograph, but are disappointed to find out that he’s not Rick Steiner. That big kid in the back with the Steve Perry hat looks familiar. He should, because he’s WEBB! Webb attacks Saturn and gives him the powerbomb yet to be named on the asphalt. Webb turns to the camera and screams; “I will win the XPW Deathmatch Title tonight, for I am the WEBBSTER!” Hmm…I don’t think we’ll be able to get that over as a catch phrase.

Segment Rating: 57%

 

Danny Doring is very concerned about his Television Title match with Honky Tonk Orton tonight. He invites him out to discuss things and gets THE HONKY TONK MIDGET! A midget dressed like Orton parades around in an Elvis jumpsuit and says things like “that ring is huge man, just huge. Doring, man, you’re huge, huge man, you’re going to kick my tiny ass later tonight.” Hilarity ensues. If we could have gotten a monkey to wear the suit, we would have. However, monkeys are much more expensive on the black market than midgets.

Segment Rating: 70%

 

Flaming Tables Deathmatch for the XPW Deathmatch Title (but we can’t find any matches, damn)

Webb vs Perry Saturn:

Webb goes to slam Saturn through a table, but he manages to escape. Saturn walks into a spike slam. Saturn blocks a punch. Perry Saturn hits some punches. Big backdrop on Webb, executed well. Perry Saturn goes to slam Webb through a table, but he manages to escape. Back elbow connects, Webb staggers backward. Webb avoids a Perry Saturn avalanche. Spear by Webb. Lifting DDT by Webb, looked good. Big clothesline on Saturn. Webb goes to suplex Saturn through a table, but he slips out the backdoor. Webb gets taken down out of nowhere. Running knee lift from Perry Saturn. Massive lariat, apparently Saturn has been watching The Best Of Stan Hansen again. Saturn throws Webb onto the table, then climbs to the top rope...and hits a flying splash to break the table and get the win. The fight has started up again! Webb attacks Saturn, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(Mark it on your calendars. Scott Keith complimented Webb. Somebody should email him this review and then watch him go nuts as he tries to figure where the hell he wrote that. Maybe he’ll have an aneurysm. Not that I would wish that on anyone, well maybe Richie Sexon, but he’s a douchetard.)

Winner: Perry Saturn

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 64%

 

Honky Tonk Orton is not happy with the Honky Tonk Midget. He doesn’t look like him (the midget is taller), he doesn’t sound like him (the midget is better on the mic), he doesn’t wrestle like him (the midget is working hard on expanding his moveset) and he sure as hell doesn’t act like him (the midget is not on a suicide watch). Orton looks down at the microphone, “man, this microphone is huge man, just huge.”

Segment Rating: 53%

 

You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Hound Dog Midget Match for the XPW Television Title

Danny Doring vs Honky Tonk Orton:

Orton takes a headbutt from Danny Doring. Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Danny Doring uses a forearm to the face. Gut buster, Orton hits hard. Running knee lift from Danny Doring. Orton blocks a punch. Running knee lift from Honky Tonk Orton. Spear by Honky Tonk Orton. There's a two count on the pin. Danny Doring reverses a hip toss. Orton walks into a spike slam. Hooks the leg for a two count. Front legsweep slam by Danny Doring, hit with precision. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Orton blocks the suplex attempt. Orton slams Danny Doring. Danny Doring takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Fallaway slam by Danny Doring. Julio Dinero comes running down the aisle with a chair! Doring whips Honky Tonk Orton into the ropes. Dinero jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Dinero, Orton, and the chair! Honky Tonk Orton staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Honky Tonk Orton goes nuts, screaming and yelling at everyone within earshot. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(Orton goes from having two titles for refusing to take a sick bump to Julio Dinero to going titleless due to Dinero interference. Karma, ain’t it a bitch. The Honky Tonk Midget sings Heartbreak Hotel to close the show. Who says we’re bush league? Huh? Who?)

Winner: Danny Doring

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 60%

Match Quality: 66%

 

Show Rating: 57%

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 167 sequin coated midgets

 

I’m going to pick a winner of the name the powerbomb contest this Saturday. So there is still time to get suggestions in. The winner will be able to pick anyone available in the game for me to hire. Although, since I am the XPW I wouldn’t push your luck too much on whom to ask for.

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

Oh! Oh! I vote you change Webb's name to the "French Webb" and name his finisher the "Pourquoi Bomb". Because "Pourquoi" supposedly means "Power" in French. Word.

[Guest ShooterJay]

Another White Trash reference: The Bestiality Bomb.

 

Also, Deacon, you realize all you have to do is hit the "Move Up Card" button and the wrestler stops bitching about their push and their morale goes up right?

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Yes, Shooter, but I already have both Webb and Doring in the main event and they're both still pissed and neither will negotiate for more money or anything like that. Orton is in the upper card, I could still bump him and I might after the first of the month. Thanks for the tip though.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for May 19th 2003

Live from Robert Blake’s Prison Cell

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

 

Revenge is Mine, so Says the Fat, Angry Black Man Singles Match

Ahmed Johnson vs The Drunk Irishman:

Uninspiring brawling from Ahmed Johnson. Ahmed Johnson hits a weak elbow on The Drunk Irishman. Cover for a two count. Ahmed only gets knees on a splash. The Drunk Irishman with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Ahmed. Irishman strikes away at Ahmed Johnson. Ahmed Johnson takes a right hand to the temple from Irishman. Ahmed pushes out of a The Drunk Irishman hold. Big clothesline from Ahmed. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. The Drunk Irishman is in trouble. Powerslam!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! This gets a DUD, and should be thanking me for not bringing out the red-hot pokers up the ass rating.

(post match, The Drunk Irishman says there are no hard feelings and invites Ahmed out to a pub for a brew and some fish and chips. Fish and chips, now you’re speaking his language. Ahmed threatens Scott Keith for trying to intimidate him with red-hot pokers up the ass. Although, that would leave his meat moist and succulent. MMM…red-pokers up the ass. *drools*)

Winner: Ahmed Johnson

Overall Rating: 35%

Crowd Reaction: 27%

Match Quality: 44%

 

Lady Victoria is in the back with Supreme to hype a match with GQ Money. This is just a warm-up before he destroys Terry Funk on Wet Dream. And T’Pol better keep her perky tits and tight ass out of her business or she’s going to whip her bare behind, which can be viewed through streaming video on the XPW website. “Supreme still like pudding.”

Segment Rating: 52%

 

Try and Start Trouble with Me and My Pal, will Ya’ Beyotch Singles Match

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Raphael Muhammed:

Stiff high kick on Muhammed by Chris Chetti who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Flying elbow from Chris Chetti. Chetti crushes Muhammed with a big legdrop. Tiger suplex on Muhammed, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Salid Jihad comes running down the aisle with a chair! Muhammed goes to irish whip Chris Chetti into the ropes. Jihad jumps onto the apron with the chair...but Chris Chetti reverses! Collision between Jihad, Muhammed, and the chair! Raphael Muhammed staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Muhammed and Jihad put the boots to Chris Chetti, stomping away on him. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(That’s the same booking we used in the Terry Funk vs. Lady Victoria World Title Match last Wednesday. Some of our writers are sleeping on the job. Which I guess is better than Major Gunns who is sleeping around FOR her job. Also, notice no Ahmed for the save. Curiouser and curiouser.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 36%

Match Quality: 66%

 

T’Pol is with GQ Money for the Democratic rebuttal. Money is going to get the win tonight, even though he hasn’t won a single match in over a month and is just a glorified jobber for the Enterprise since we can’t job Funk and Sandman out, but he’s getting the win tonight damn it. And Lady Victoria, if she spanks her bare behind then T’Pol’s going to hook jumper cables up to her nipples and hook them up to a car battery, which can be downloaded from the XPW website for a one time fee of $19.95. “Bitch, can I have pudding if I win?”

Segment Rating: 77%

 

Pounding the Pudding Singles Match

Supreme vs GQ Money:

GQ Money takes a right hand to the temple from Supreme. GQ pushes out of a Supreme hold. Leg trip from GQ Money. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. GQ Money nearly ends the career of Supreme with a screwed up german suplex. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. GQ walks into a trip. GQ gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Powerslam from Supreme on GQ. Hooks the leg for a two count. Supreme DDTs GQ Money. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. GQ reverses a Supreme hammerlock. Sloppy short range spear from GQ Money. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Supreme counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. GQ scores with a forearm, sending Supreme down into the corner. The referee pulls GQ Money away to get the break. Wait! Supreme has pulled something out of his tights. GQ Money walks over...and gets floored by a punch! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the brass knuckles! The Sandman comes running down the aisle with a flamethrower, and gets into the ring! Supreme and Lady Victoria run for the back with T’Pol, the Sandman and GQ Money in hot pursuit. Too bad we’re desperately out of time. This one gets * rating and likes it.

(That sounded pretty brutal. I don’t mean the flamethrower, I mean the damn match. Triple H and Scott Steiner could give these guys pointers on how to work a match. Seems like Sandman wants to return the favor of the scorched face to Supreme. Let’s see if I got any listed gimmick matches that could help us out with that. Oh, here we go, an Inferno match. Everything’s just coming up Sandman.)

Winner: Supreme

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 48%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Show Rating: 53%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 163 people keeping their eye on the sparrow

 

I made a bit of an error. I thought that May 31st was a Sunday, but it’s a Saturday. Meaning that my big show, Redemption, is this coming Sunday not the next. D’oh! Stupid Gregorian calendar, this wouldn’t happen to me in a leap year. So, for Wednesday’s show I’m going to have to cram everything I was going to stretch out over two shows (because when does anything significant ever happen on Nightmare) into one show. Everything will just seem real rushed and forced like the average episode of RAW, so pretty standard really.

 

I’m also going to most likely pick a winner late tonight for the name of Webb’s powerbomb and inform that person by pm. I know I said I would wait until Saturday, but no other names look to be coming and my timetable got pushed up due to my scheduling error. Because whomever the winner chooses to join the roster will be debuted at Redemption as a mystery man, most likely against GQ Money who isn’t doing anything else right now. I’ll probably have another reader’s contest setup by next week as I see some more naming needs to be done.