EWR Diary for XPW

[Guest Powerplay]

Multiple Orgasm

Cock Joust

WhoreFest ‘03

Death by Association

Rear Mount Position

Good Friends, Better Enemas

Cum Piss on This Hell Hole

 

I spit my Coke onto the floor when I read that one. But Frost, you have some kick ass stuff. I've watched this thing for a while and there is no end to the hilarity.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

You'll be pleased to know Judge, that Cock Joust and Whore Fest '03 were both GOdrea's. And I still might bring in her idea of Big Jim Slade.

[Guest Powerplay]

Yes, only GOdrea could think up such eloquent names as those. I should have seen that one from a mile away, especially with Whore Fest '03.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

How do you do Handicap matches???

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

For handicap matches, I basically just book a triple threat and then touch up the description to make it SEEM like a handicap match. I know it's not quite the same, but I try not to use them much, only when I really want one for storylines. I think I mentioned that before, maybe not. I know I'm the XPW, but I don't want it to seem like I'm cheating people with that.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for June 18th 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Major Gunns is in her stall office. She promises the GREATEST WET DREAM EVER~! Three Swedish stewardesses and a midget with a camera show up. Uh…maybe later. On tonight’s show we will have a four-way elimination tag match for a Tag Title shot at XPW Multiple Orgasm. Mexico’s Most Wanted will defend said titles against 2 Tickets 2 Paradise. Perry Saturn with face archrival Kaos in a submission match. Ahmed Johnson and Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti will sign a contract to square off at Multiple Orgasm and the crew of the Enterprise will take on the birds of the Flock-Nest. Palumbo stumbles in smoking a cigar. Major Gunns is not too pleased with how his investigation is going thus far. Trust him, it’s all coming together. All he has to do is question one last witness, SUPREME! Supreme? Supreme can only say his name and random babblings. Exactly, Palumbo speaks his language.

Segment Rating: 59%

 

Perry Saturn arrives at the arena and learns of his match with Kaos from a derelict with a clipboard. That’s great, because Saturn still has batty. Batty? Kaos attacks with a chair for such audacity. It’s the Gonad Whacker. The sacred and all-powerful Gonad Whacker you damn freak. Saturn lies on the ground moaning “Chairy, how could you betray me?”

Segment Rating: 55%

 

Elimination Tag Team Tussle for a Shot at the XPW Tag Team Titles Ultimate Jobbers Match

Villanos vs Alter Boys vs Politically Incorrect vs New Panthers:

Spin kick by Alter Boy Luke to the face. Super frankensteiner on Vil IV, who hit hard. Tag between Alter Boy Luke and The Miserly Jew. Vil IV takes a chop from MJ. The Miserly Jew hits Vil IV. Tag between The Miserly Jew and The Drunk Irishman. Weak headbutt on Vil IV by Irishman. Big kick from Irishman. Villano IV ducks a clothesline attempt. Flying elbow from Villano IV, barely hitting the target. Vil IV tags out to Villano V. Diving headbutt from Vil V, not much elevation. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Vil V defeats Irishman. Running clothesline from Salid Jihad, sloppily done. Jihad DDTs Villano V. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Tag to Raphael Muhammed. Salid Jihad scoops up Vil V. Muhammed bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Powerslam from Raphael Muhammed on Vil V. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Villano V takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Vil V tags out to Alter Boy Matthew. Driven DDT by Alter Boy Matthew. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. DDT from the top rope by Alter Boy Matthew. That looked brutal. Tag between Alter Boy Matthew and Alter Boy Luke. Alter Boy Matthew scoops up Muhammed. Luke bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Luke defeats Muhammed. Driven DDT by Alter Boy Luke. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Super frankensteiner on Vil IV, who hit hard. Villano IV avoids a Alter Boy Luke avalanche. Alter Boy Luke takes a knee lift from Vil IV. Flying elbow off the top rope by Villano IV, poor elevation though. Cover for a two count. Tag between Villano IV and Villano V. Villano V hits a crap missile dropkick on Luke. Alter Boy Luke fights out of a grapple. Luke tags out to Alter Boy Matthew. Back heel kick off the second rope, Vil V goes down. Pin, but Vil V is out just before the three count. Vil V takes a flying neckbreaker from Alter Boy Matthew. Vil V counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Chop by Vil V on Matthew. Villano IV floors Alter Boy Matthew. La Magistral! 1....2....3. DUD and by that I mean *****.

(Villano V pins Matthew with a La Magistral cradle after a chop. I’d say he just made Matthew his bitch. Also note that the Villanos worked most of the match, because they rock and/or roll. Post match the Villanos turn water into wine and the Drunk Irishman accepts them as his personal lord and savior. The Alter Boys shed a single tear over losing another one.)

Winners: Villanos

Overall Rating: 44%

Crowd Reaction: 32%

Match Quality: 67%

 

Ahmed Johnson comes out to the ring eating a stick of butter covered with M&M’s. Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti follows spraying himself down with that fake tan spray so he can get that nice Tazz family glow. Lizzy Borden presents the two of them with a contract on a small card table. All they have to do is sign it. Uh…where’s the pen. Damn, Lizzy forgot the pen. You can use her vaginal juices. No, thanks, we’ll just use the butter. With their names signed in butter, the two men turn to leave. *cough* What? *cough* What? Oh, yeah, it’s a contract signing. Ahmed Johnson powerbombs Chetti through the table.

Segment Rating: 54%

 

Tag Team Match for the Glorious and Honorable Right to Face the Villanos and the Tag Title are on the Line too

Mexico's Most Wanted vs 2 Tickets 2 Paradise:

Halloween tastes a high angle back suplex. It probably tasted like chicken. Brutal forearm by GQ. Cover for a two count. GQ tags out to Julio Dinero. Julio Dinero scoops up Halloween. GQ bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Spin kick by Julio Dinero to the face. There's a two count on the pin. Kick from Julio Dinero to the leg. Dinero walks into a trip. Halloween blasts Dinero with a rather-less-than-super kick. Tag between Halloween and Damien 666. Flying elbow from Damien 666, barely hitting the target. Damien 666 hits a crap missile dropkick on Dinero. Damien walks into a trip. Dinero tags out to GQ Money. Suplex into a front slam from GQ, but the execution was crap. GQ Money with an enziguri, although the late Owen Hart's version was far superior. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Damien takes a chop from GQ. GQ Money gets taken down out of nowhere. Back heel kick from Damien on GQ, missed by miles. Mexico's Most Wanted have GQ Money to themselves. Double Brainbuster! 1....2....3! It's over. Villanos just hit the ring with chairs! Stereo chair shots put down Mexico's Most Wanted! Dinero tries to attack, but gets beaten to the floor with punches and kicks. GQ Money has a brief offensive flurry, but gets nailed with a boot to the gut...and hit with the Glory of the Villanos! Villanos have laid everyone out! Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous. As usual, the Villanos save things.

(Is it Jim Neidhart appreciation night around here or what? I’ve got flying Hart Attack clostheslines flying all over the damn place. The Glory of the Villanos is where they just stand there with their hands on their hips like Superman and radiate an inner light that blinds their opponents.)

Winners: Mexico’s Most Wanted

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 62%

 

T’Pol is with Lizzy Borden, but not in the biblical sense. As is The Sandman, but not in the biblical sense due to whiskey dick. As is Terry Funk and don’t I dare talk crap about the bible with him around, you son of a bitch. They are moments away from facing the Flock-Nest All-Stars in a tag team match. Considering that it’s the third tag match in a row on the card. Not to criticize my own booking, but I’m not exactly Jim Cornette’s protégé here. Although my frequent use of tennis rackets might speak differently. I go off on a random tangent and the segment still nets 86%. T’Pol is over what can I say. If it weren’t for the Breast Flavored Tea, Rob Black would be rounding up carts at the A&P.

Segment Rating: 86%

 

Lee Marvin Invitational Tag Team Match of the Drunk and Surly

Sandman \ Funker vs FN All Stars:

Nesty hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. Funker slams FlockNest Monster down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Flapjack from Funker on Nesty. Tag between FlockNest Monster and American Wild Child. Wild Child hits an arm drag on Funker. Funker blocks a punch. Wild Child receives some unexciting punishment. Tag between Terry Funk and The Sandman. Funker \ Sandman hook up Wild Child, then hit a double suplex. The Sandman DDTs Wild Child, poorly executed. Sloppy tornado punch from The Sandman, Wild Child barely got hit. Sandman tags out to Terry Funk. American Wild Child is in trouble. DDT! 1....2....3. Villanos come running down the aisle with chairs! They slide in behind Sandman \ Funker...and drop them with stereo chair shots! Villanos leave the ring, the damage done. I'll give a 1\2 star rating. However, I must applaud the second Villanos run-in in a row.

(I’ve got a former NWA World Champion and a wrestling legend along with one of the most popular cult wrestlers ever from the ECW in the ring and I said to myself, “I need more star power, I need something to carry those two, I need a little more of that Villanos magic.” And the Villanos being the troopers they are make their second straight run-in to save the show. Villano bless the Villanos. XPW: More Villanos run-ins than any other wrestling organization today.)

Winners: Sandman and Funk

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 48%

 

Honky Tonk Orton isn’t on the show tonight in favor of bigger losers. He feels like Tim Meadows. He’s the XPW Television Champion and his only competition is beating Bilvis Wesley back at Amazingland in Space Invaders. So, he challenges any son of a bitch in the XPW today to square off in a match on Nightmare with the winner facing him for the title at Multiple Orgasm. Screw trying to do an insta-feud, he just wants an opponent. Terry Funk bashes him in the head with a cookie sheet for stealing his gimmick, you son of a bitch.

Segment Rating: 72%

 

Excruciating, Mind Bending, Unfathomable Submission Match of Death for the XPW Deathmatch Title

Perry Saturn vs Kaos:

Lightning kick by Kaos on Saturn. Saturn powers out of a headlock. Perry Saturn fires off some right and left hands. Second rope flying axe handle, Kaos goes down. Perry Saturn with a spinning neckbreaker on Kaos. Kaos avoids a Perry Saturn avalanche. Kaos crushes Saturn with a big legdrop. Vicious kick to the teeth from Kaos. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Perry Saturn pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Saturn slams Kaos down. Tiger suplex on Kaos, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Perry Saturn has Kaos down...and locks in the Rings Of Saturn for the submission victory! I don't think the fight has finished. Perry Saturn and Kaos have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(That witty Scott Keith. He pulls the old “nowhere” joke and then immediately comments how the mule kick also comes out of nowhere. Notice how “Nowhere” is capitalized like it’s a real city. So, I did some research and there is a Nowhere, Oklahoma. There’s also a No Name, Colarado and a Nothing, Arizona. You guys should know by now that I have a lot of time on my hands. Rob Black makes preparations to buy Truth or Consequences, New Mexico and rename it Type Name Here!)

Winner: Perry Saturn

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 59%

Match Quality: 71%

 

Supreme cries on Lady Victoria’s shoulder afraid to face Palumbo. “Supreme scared of creepy man with glass eye. Ask Supreme questions he no know answer to, like what 2+2 and who buried in Grant’s tomb.” Lady Victoria reminds him not to reveal who the mysterious new leader of the Flock-Nest is. “But you no tell me.” There’s a reason for that.

Segment Rating: 58%

 

Main Event Singles Match that Probably Shouldn’t Be

Palumbo vs Supreme:

Stiff chop lights up Supreme. Supreme elbows Palumbo in the face to break a hammerlock. Supreme hits Palumbo. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Side suplex from Supreme. Cover, but there's no one to count for Supreme. Supreme walks into a trip. Palumbo slams Supreme down. Palumbo hits a stump piledriver on Supreme. Hooks the leg for a two count. Powerbomb on Supreme. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Supreme elbows Palumbo in the face to break a hammerlock. Supreme DDTs Palumbo, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Palumbo counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Palumbo turns...and falls for the distraction! Supreme runs at Palumbo from behind...but misses! Supreme collides with Lady Victoria! Palumbo moves in for the kill. Here it comes - One More Thing. 1....2...3, it's finished. Supreme is pounding the canvas with punches, shouting about how unfair everything is. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(Palumbo goes to leave, then remembers something and walks back toward Supreme. “Who is the new leader of the Flock-Nest?” “Supreme, supreme, supreme, follow the paper trail, supreme, supreme, supreme.” “What did you just say?” “Supreme?” “No, after that.” “Supreme?” “No, before that.” “Supreme?” “No, between those.” “Follow the paper trail?” “That’s it.”)

Winner: Palumbo

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 65%

Match Quality: 61%

 

Show Rating: 57%

TV Rating: .56

Attendacne: 171 people who really enjoy back to back tag matches and frequent Villanos run-ins. But then again, who doesn’t?

[Guest Sandman9000]

I'm working on who should be added to XPW's roster. Stupid MadMan Pondo, had to be under contract somewhere.

 

Any suggestions, people?

[Guest RevEvil]

What about Jake the snake?

[Guest Angel_Grace_Blue]

How about Villano X? Or some other Roman numeraled Villano...

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Jake the Snake is an owner in the game with MLW, so can't use him. I was thinking about hiring lucha types and adding them as Villanos.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Name an entire faction Los Villanos

 

On "Names you have to hire", theres a guy called Crappy The Clown

 

Speaking of which, whatever happened to POGO THE CLOWN

[Guest RevEvil]

Is Supercrazy available?

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Crappy the Clown is available, but listed as a manager. Is he really a manager?

 

Pogo is under contract to the FOW.

 

Super Crazy is under contract to the MLW.

[Guest RevEvil]

So can you find out how many people are free? It would be easier to find someone then.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for June 23rd 2003

Live from a cabbage patch in Cabbage Patch, California

Hosts: Joey Styles and The FlockNest Monster

 

Lizzy Borden is in the parking lot. Is she supposed to blow a sponsor or something? No, she’s there to greet Palumbo. Palumbo pulls up in a 1959 Peugeot Model 403 that backfires like it should belong to Uncle Buck. He followed Supreme’s clue from Wet Dream. “Supreme?” “No, the other thing he said.” “Supreme?” “No, between those two.” “Supreme?” “Right after that.” “Follow the paper trail?” “Yes!” Palumbo did so and holds up a wad of papers. He knows without a doubt who the mysterious new leader of the Flock-Nest is and will reveal it TONIGHT~~! Double tilde bang means it’s mucho important.

Segment Rating: 61%

 

Yawn, Whatever, Wrestle and Shit Already Singles Match

Kaos vs Alter Boy Luke:

Kaos hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Dropkick connects, Luke goes down. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? (I covered this last week Keith, get a clue.) Hard back suplex on Luke. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Kaos gets taken down out of nowhere. Spin kick by Alter Boy Luke to the face. Flying reverse elbow by Alter Boy Luke. There's a two count on the pin. Luke walks into a trip. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Luke is down. Cover for a two count. Tiger suplex on Luke, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin, but Luke is out just before the three count. Luke reverses a Kaos hammerlock. Kick from Alter Boy Luke to the leg. Kaos counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Second rope flying axe handle, Luke goes down. Kaos misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Alter Boy Luke floors Kaos, then signals for the Twisting Swanton Bomb. Meanwhile, Kaos has something in his hands. Luke comes over...and gets nailed with a set of brass knuckles! The referee wakes up to see the pinfall: 1....2....3! It's over. Perry Saturn comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Kaos gets floored with the Gonad Whacker! Gonads are whacked all over the place! Kaos has been left down on the canvas. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(I’m just trying to get the Saturn vs. Kaos feud over with. It’s been going on for like over four months and Sophie still thinks I should keep it developing. If you can’t get a feud finished in four months, you have a major story telling problem. But then again, Kaos and Saturn aren’t exactly F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ayn Rand writing scripts for St. Elsewhere.)

Winner: Kaos

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 42%

Match Quality: 74%

 

Lizzy Borden has Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti. Then they put their clothes back on for an interview. (Ba-bum-bump, ching! I’ll be here all week, tip your waitresses.) Chetti is tired of Ahmed Johnson interfering in all his matches and having to deal with his flunkies, who he doesn’t even talk to anymore. He knows he made the error of trusting Ahmed as a partner, but he won’t make that mistake twice. He needs backup and he’s bringing in family for it! He is TAZZ’S COUSIN by the way. TAZZ OF THE WWE, TAZZ FORMER ECW WORLD CHAMPION, TAZZ is his COUSIN. TAZZ is FAMILY. I’m bring in FAMILY and I’m TAZZ’S COUSIN. Lizzy: “Why are you shouting?” Chetti: “No reason.”

Segment Rating: 59%

 

4-Way Dance of Television for a Shot at the XPW Television Title (because it would be a dance of death for the Deathmatch Title)

GQ Money vs Alter Boy Matthew vs American Wild Child vs Raphael Muhammed : Muhammed walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Wild Child hits an arm drag on Muhammed. Hooks the leg for a two count. Wild Child tags out to Alter Boy Matthew. Matthew uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Diamond Dust from Alter Boy Matthew, Muhammed is out. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Tag between Alter Boy Matthew and GQ Money. Muhammed takes a chop from GQ. Tag to American Wild Child. GQ takes a kick to the chest, and staggers back. American Wild Child misses a clothesline. GQ Money scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Pin, three count, it's over. GQ Money pins Wild Child. Weak bodyslam on GQ by Muhammed. Big clothesline from Muhammed. Hooks the leg for a two count. Running clothesline from Raphael Muhammed, sloppily done. Tag between GQ Money and Alter Boy Matthew. Alter Boy Matthew hits a rolling kick on Muhammed. Spin kick by Alter Boy Matthew to the face. Muhammed drops out the back of a Alter Boy Matthew bodyslam attempt. Running clothesline from Raphael Muhammed, sloppily done. Flapjack from Muhammed on Matthew. Cover gets three. Raphael Muhammed pinned Matthew. Raphael Muhammed hits a bulldog off the ropes. Raphael Muhammed turns GQ inside-out with a clothesline. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. GQ counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Raphael Muhammed gets knocked to the ground by GQ, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Through the air, Money Shot! 1....2....3. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Only my tag jobbers would put GQ Money over. Is he a leper or something? Maybe he’s just committed to being good or putting in effort or something insane and foreign to the XPW like that. So, you can be sure that Orton won’t want to put him over and, of course, he’s one loss away from putting a German luger in his mouth and squeezing the trigger anyway. I should have the Sandman introduce him to alcohol to ease his problems. I was going to do a Money/Orton program anyway, but pretty much forgot. I already know the joys of alcohol.)

Winner: GQ Money

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 34%

Match Quality: 68%

 

Palumbo is in the ring. He holds up a wad of papers and says that in checking the XPW books for the past month there are some interesting oddities that point to one man being the mysterious force behind the Flock-Nest and that man is…

 

Wait for it

 

 

Wait for it

 

 

Wait for it

 

 

Dude, that’s your cue

 

Not so suddenly, a figure jumps over the railing and blindsides Palumbo with a chair before he can speak. He totally destroys Palumbo and stands triumphantly over his shattered body. And that man is TONY STETSON! Tony Stetson? The new Flock-Nest leader is Tony Stetson? Not even Joey Styles can get excited about that. Couldn’t we have gotten Reese, or Lodi, I mean Christ, Tony Stetson. The audience groans collectively and hangs their heads. (You wanted the suck. I bring the suck. Tony Stetson was literally the only former Raven associate available to hire. So, Stetson is the new leader of the Flock-Nest…or is he? Or maybe this is just a smokescreen for the new real leader…or is it? Or maybe I’m just trying to make you all think someone else will get involved so you don’t stop reading…or am I?)

Segment Rating: 42%

 

Show Rating: 52%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 175 cabbage dolls, they have to go somewhere, no one wants the damn things

[Guest KanadianKrusty]

Hey Frost, I've been reading that diary in the past 3 days and I must say it REALLY kicks ass, keep 'em coming.

 

I was thinking about doing one myself but I'm way too lazy, even if my game is pretty interesting IMO, I'm running WWC and went from 35% Regional to 41 in 3 shows (2 monthly shows and a TV show from the deal I just signed). I fired 5 or 6 guys that sucked, hired JT Smith, Austin Lee, and that's it, I changed nothing else... of course the Colon family is unsackable and they'll only work with each other so I have to deal with the fact that I have CARLOS FRIGGIN' COLON as my champion, but as soon as I get Lee and Smith are over it's gonna be good, since Carly and Eddie Colon and pretty good... or maybe I should fire everyone and start from scratch and re-create mid-90's WWF with worse wrestlers or something.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

WAITAMINUTE

 

 

TONY STETSON????????????

 

THATS BRILLIANT

[Guest RevEvil]

http://web.archive.org/web/19991008001209/...skeith/wcwf.htm Here's a Scott Keith fed that you'll probably like if you like this.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Jesus Ive been looking for that for ages Rev, thankyou very much

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

First let me mention that I was offered a job by owner Harley Race to be the head booker for the WLW. I declined, because I know you guys would not want me jumping ship. The WLW was at 29% PI on the Regional level, but they have a crap load of money being funneled in from a Swiss Bank account, after all Race was the King at one time. Considering their third top star is Headbanger Mosh and other talent includes the Drill Instructor and Turkey Creek Johnson, I think I would have been at home there. So, if I ever get another offer to jump ship, should I or are you too much in love with the XPW?

 

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for June 25th 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Tony Stetson is Hot Shit, Deal With It Opening Singles Match

Tony Stetson vs The Drunk Irishman:

Tony Stetson hits some weak-looking punches. Tony Stetson hits some weak-looking punches. Tony Stetson punches away at The Drunk Irishman. Cover for a two count. Incredibly weak powerslam on Irishman by Stetson. Hooks the leg for a two count. The Drunk Irishman fights out of a grapple. The Drunk Irishman hits Stetson. Cover for a two count. The Drunk Irishman hits a sloppy double axe handle. Stetson powers out of a headlock. Side suplex from Stetson. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Stetson. Tony Stetson gets whipped into the corner. Irishman charges in, but into a pair of raised boots. Stetson uses a roll up, with feet on the second rope! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! This gets a DUD, and should be thanking me for not bringing out the red-hot pokers up the ass rating.

(Yes, this is the man who will lead us into the Promised Land. I like how he opens with weak punches, hits some more weak punches and then punches some more. That’s the mark of a true champion.)

Winner: Tony Stetson

Overall Rating: 35%

Crowd Reaction: 27%

Match Quality: 51%

 

Post match Tony Stetson gets on the mic and proclaims, that he’s here, he’s hot shit, he’s in charge of the Flock-Nest, deal with it. Big changes are going to go on around here. I know we’ve all heard it before, but would Tony Stetson lie to you? (don’t answer that) He points up at the XPW-Tron (Re: a 12-inch Zenith propped up on a t.v. tray) and it flashes to Major Gunns tied up in the “basement” (you might remember it better as “New Mexico”). The other members of the Flock-Nest are lined up slapping her in the face with various weapons as she screams like that hysterical woman in “Airplane!” Gunns is going to be tortured until she gives him what he wants. Anal sex? No, she already gave him that. He wants a World Title shot at Terry Funk this Sunday at XPW MULTIPLE ORGASM…then more anal sex.

Segment Rating: 50%

 

Standard Splitting up the Teams to Build to the PPV Singles Match

Damien 666 vs Villano IV:

Forearm to the face from Damien on Vil IV. Kick from Damien 666 to the leg. Damien hits an arm drag on Vil IV. Damien 666 arm drags Vil IV over. Villano IV elbows Damien 666 in the face to break a hammerlock. Vil IV hits a spinning back kick. Back heel kick from Vil IV on Damien, missed by miles. Hooks the leg for a two count. Damien counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Badly executed second rope splash by Damien. There's a two count on the pin. Damien face jams Villano IV. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Vil IV blocks the suplex attempt. Damien takes a kick to the chest, and staggers back. Damien counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Flying elbow from Damien 666, barely hitting the target. Damien 666 floors Villano IV...and climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Moonsault, forget about it. 1....2...3! Damien 666 is still in the ring celebrating. Villano IV pushes the referee away, then floors Damien! Villano IV signals - La Magistral! Damien 666 has been laid out. ** ½ for only featuring one Villano.

(Points to Damien on using 600 armdrags instead of 600 punches to open. However, Villano IV gets revenge on Damien by…cradling him? He pins him in a post match beatdown? He beats him down by cradling his ass for a pin? I know I’m just repeating that, but I’m still trying to fathom it. It would be like if we nuked Iraq back to the stone age and they retaliate with a firecracker on the White House lawn.)

Winner: Damien 666

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 39%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Terry Funk and The Sandman kill time in the back by playing Scrabble Ship. They can’t believe Tony Stetson is the new leader of the Flock-Nest. Actually, who the hell is Tony Stetson? He was in ECW and all, but neither one really remembers him. Although, Sandman was usually drunk and Funk is most likely suffering from Alzheimer’s. Perry Saturn runs in with Danny Doring in tow. They saw Stetson’s tape and Saturn has discovered that they have Gunns tied up in the “basement.” He’s recruited Doring to up the star power just that much more and they need to go save the commissioner. Ah hell, The Rockford Files ain’t on for another hour.

Segment Rating: 92% (highest segment ever due to the playing of Scrabble Ship)

 

Standard Splitting Up the Teams to Build to the PPV 2: Electric Boogaloo

Halloween vs Villano V:

Chop by Vil V on Halloween. Halloween reverses a Villano V hammerlock. Vil V takes a chop from Halloween. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Diving headbutt from Halloween, not much elevation. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Halloween misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Vil V hits a dropkick on Halloween. Villano V uses a running dropkick into the corner, although it looked more like a badly done leg lariat if you ask me. Hell, maybe that's what it was supposed to be. There's a two count on the pin. Slingshot clothesline by Vil V, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Pin, but Halloween is out just before the three count. Halloween backdrops Villano V out of a piledriver attempt. Badly executed second rope splash by Halloween. Pin, but Vil V is out just before the three count. Villano V powers out of a Halloween headlock. Villano IV comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Halloween turns around.... and gets knocked to the ground. La Magistral!!! Vil IV leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin, three count, it's over. Villano V pins Halloween. Vil V and Vil IV are putting the boots to Halloween! Damien 666 comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending Villanos running for cover. Damien 666 saved Halloween from a major beating. ** ½ for using the other Villano.

(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP RANDOMLY CRADLING PEOPLE! GOOD LORD VILLANO IV IS A DOUCHEBAG! I now see why Villano V is more over. Look at Damien what did he use to interfere, a chair. That’s right a chair. Grab a chair and smack them with it. Or a ball bat or the ring bell, or hell just punch the guy in the face, but just don’t run in, cradle the guy like you did something and run out. I love the Villanos as much as the average person and understand about how they have come to Earth to heal us all of our sins and suffering, but all this random use of the La Magistral has to stop.)

Winner: Villano V

Overall Rating: 38%

Crowd Reaction: 34%

Match Quality: 53%

 

Lizzy Borden is in the back with Ahmed Johnson. He’s tired of Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti getting his shizzle all up in his hizzle. He can bring in any relative he wants for back up for their match this Sunday at XPW MULTIPLE ORGASM, he doesn’t care. Whether it be TAZZ or TAZZ or TAZZ or even if it’s TAZZ. Hell, why doesn’t he just bring in TAZZ. Get a machine and clone TAZZ, a whole army of TAZZ clones right here in XPW. TAZZ clones HERE in XPW! “Why are you shouting?” “I’m a 300 pound black man, it’s what we do.”

Segment Rating: 48%

 

Standard Singles Jobbings of Both Catholics Because Frankly They’re Catholics

Kaos vs Alter Boy Matthew:

Standing leg lariat by Kaos on Matthew. Matthew takes a flying neckbreaker from Kaos. Hooks the leg for a two count. Alter Boy Matthew comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Hard back suplex on Kaos. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Matthew hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Kitchen sink shot, Kaos gets floored. Kaos counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Kaos crushes Matthew with a big legdrop. Alter Boy Luke comes running down the aisle with a chair! Matthew and Kaos continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Alter Boy Luke slides in and prepares to swing the chair...but Kaos moves! Luke accidentally blasts Matthew with a chair to the head! Kaos throws Luke out of the ring! Kaos floors Alter Boy Matthew...and climbs the turnbuckles. Kaostrify!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Uh…kitchen sink? This wasn’t a hardcore match. Where did it come from anyway? Was it randomly lying under the ring? Maybe Kaos brought it with him to replace the Gonad Whacker? Wait, wasn’t the kitchen sink like T.L. Hopper’s alternate finisher or something? Maybe it’s akin to the Moss Covered Three Handled Family Credenza. I should have Saturn use that again. Actually I should just have the whole fed use that as their finisher.)

Winner: Kaos

Overall Rating: 52%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 74%

 

We cut to the basement where Major Gunns is still chained to the wall. Druids stand around her with lit torches and chant. Uh, didn’t we use them for the black wedding last month? Yes, but they’re in a union and we have to use them so many times, blah, blah, blah. Tony Stetson demands her to give him a title match with Terry Funk at XPW MULTIPLE ORGASM or he’ll rape her up the ass with a flaming branding iron. Well, if you must you must just promise her you’ll charge people $19.95 to view it on the XPW website. (I’m thinking Stetson has some sort of cowboy gimmick, but he’s going to get funked up for stealing Terry’s gimmick. The flaming branding iron that is, not the ass raping.)

Segment Rating: 75%

 

T’Pol is walking by when the cell phone on the wall (that’s an oxymoron) rings. She answers it to hear smacking and beating sounds. Oh my God, they’re killing Major Gunns! “Well, I’m killing IT to Major Gunns.” “Dude, are you beating off again.” “Beating off or beating on…wait, that doesn’t make any sense.” “Hey…isn’t Tony Stetson the mysterious stalker and Flock-Nest leader? Then who’s this?” “Wouldn’t you like to know? BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…uh, this is T’Pol right?” “Yeah.” “Good. BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…good stuff.”

Segment Rating: 81%

 

Pabst Blue Ribbon Six Pack Challenge Match

Webb & Memphis Mafia vs Chetti & 2 Tickets 2 Paradise:

Some weak shots by Bilvis. Uninspiring brawling from Bilvis Wesley. Tag between Bilvis Wesley and Webb. Webb with a spinning neckbreaker on Chetti. Spinebuster by Webb. Cover for a two count. Tag to Honky Tonk Orton. Webb \ Orton whip Chetti into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Orton slams Chris Chetti down. Chetti pushes out of a Honky Tonk Orton hold. Chetti hits a dropkick on Honky Tonk Orton. Tag to Julio Dinero. Orton takes a flying neckbreaker from Julio Dinero. Tiger suplex on Orton, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Flying elbow from Julio Dinero. Tag between Julio Dinero and GQ Money. GQ Money strikes Orton. GQ hits an arm drag on Orton. GQ Money gets taken down out of nowhere. Orton tags out to Bilvis Wesley. Bilvis Wesley hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Tag to Chris Chetti. Chetti hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Chetti crushes Bilvis with a big legdrop. Chris Chetti moves in for the kill. Chetti-Plex!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(I know Chetti is supposed to be a loner until his relative comes in, but I needed to plug somebody into this slot and all my other main event faces are off playing tickle, poke grab ass while looking for Major Gunns. I know you’re all wondering who TAZZ’S COUSIN Chris Chetti is bringing in to aide him. I’ll give you one clue; it’s Tazz. D’oh. I meant to say it’s Tazz. D’oh! Did I say Tazz, I meant Tazz. D’oh! [of course, this assures that it is not Tazz])

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Eddie Money

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 65%

 

The Druids sit around mastering the fine art of Scrabble Ship when the Dudes with Mattitude (man wouldn’t that be a kick ass stable) charge in and kick some druid ass. The Flock-Nest forms a line around Major Gunns like the Rams on Kurt Warner. Danny Doring shows them a poster of Adam Vinateri though and they fold like a house of cards. American Wild Child restrains Villano IV from cradling everybody in sight. A giant pull a part brawl starts. Where they got broken beer bottles and pool cues from I have no idea. Major Gunns shouts for them to break it up. Tony Stetson wants a match at XPW MULTIPLE ORGASM, fine he’s got a match. Any four members of the Flock-Nest he chooses versus any four other XPW wrestlers she chooses, let’s say these four here for instance, in a Survivor Seri…er, Series of Survival match for complete control of the XPW! The druids are unimpressed. Not only did this segment end about the same as last month’s but it also rips off Survivor Series 2001. When druids are pointing how lame your storylines are you have a serious problem.

Segment Rating: 57%

 

Show Rating: 56%

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 179 teamster druids

 

XPW Multiple Orgasm Card

 

Get Your Nachos Opening Squash

Julio Diner vs. Bilvis Wesely

 

Fistful of Titties Bra and Panties Match

Major Gunns vs. Lady Victoria

 

Something To Do Hardcore Tag Match

Webb and Kaos vs. the Alter Boys

 

I’ll Eat Your Relatives and the Horse They Rode in on Singles Match

Ahmed Johnson vs. Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

 

Tag Titles, We Don’t Need No Stinking Tag Titles Tag Team Match for the XPW Tag Team Titles

Mexico’s Most Wanted vs. Los Villanos

 

I Planned on Doing This a Long Time Ago, so Meh, Television Title Match

Honky Tonk Orton vs. GQ Money

 

Main Event Series of Survival Match for Control of XPW as if Anybody Would Want That

Flock-Nest (Tony Stetson, Supreme, FlockNest Monster, American Wild Child) vs. The Major’s Gunns (Terry Funk, The Sandman, Danny Doring, Perry Saturn)

[Guest Lightning Flik]

Dude, I think you could do great anywhere.

 

But you've left your mark on XPW. Keep the legacy going~!

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Multiple Orgasm for June 29th 2003

Live from the Moonlight Ranch right outside of Las Vegas

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

Event Theme: “It’s in the Way that You Use it” by Eric Clapton (try telling Lizzy Borden that)

 

Get Your Nachos Opening Squash

Julio Dinero vs Bilvis Wesley:

Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Bilvis Wesley can barely stand. Here it comes - Super Kick. 1....2...3, it's finished. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

(Couldn’t you guys have gone a bit longer? (I know, all the women say that.) People are rushing back to the their seats, nachos are flying everywhere, women are getting soaked with hot cheese and that costs extra, the Moonlight Ranch is a respectable whore house with fixed rates after all.)

Winner: Julio Dinero

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Fistful of Titties Bra and Panties Match

Lady Victoria vs Major Gunns:

Major Gunns gets hip tossed by Lady. Lady Victoria attacks with some poorly executed flying moves. Flying dropkick from Lady on Gunns. Gunns kicks Lady Victoria in the gut to reverse the momentum. Major Gunns uses a running dropkick into the corner, although it looked more like a badly done leg lariat if you ask me. Hell, maybe that's what it was supposed to be. Lady Victoria powers out of a Major Gunns headlock. Lady hits a stump piledriver on Major Gunns. Lady Victoria blasts Gunns with a rather-less-than-super kick. Gunns counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Some chops from Gunns, all of which barely touched Lady Victoria. Lady Victoria ducks a clothesline attempt. Lady hits an arm drag on Gunns. Lady Victoria has Major Gunns down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Flying Body Press hit hard. Lady Victoria pulls the clothes off Gunns to leave her in her bra and panties for the win! Lady Victoria slides to the outside and grabs a chair, then climbs back into the ring. Gunns turns around...and gets planted with a huge chair shot to the head! She is left down and out on the canvas. Rating: 1\2 star.

(I think this is the first time the ladies have gotten to double digits on the match quality. They still showed better work rate than most of the fed, and yes I’m looking at you Ahmed Johnson. I just give Ahmed all the shit don’t I? Well, I finally got Sandman 9000’s contest pick, so let’s say he won’t be alone as our worst worker for long. Teaser~!)

Winner: Lady Victoria

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 66%

Match Quality: 10%

 

Something To Do Hardcore Tag Match

Kaos \ Webb vs Alter Boys : Power drive elbow by Kaos. Webb \ Kaos hook up Matthew, then hit a double suplex. Big clothesline on Luke. Kaos walks into a trip. Alter Boy Matthew dropkicks Webb after leaping off an upturned shopping cart. Webb blocks a kick from Alter Boy Matthew. Luke walks into a face crusher variation. Kaos has Alter Boy Luke down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Kaostrify!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(A hardcore match and the only hardcore move is a jump off of a shopping cart. Was this some sort of homage to Kenny Rogers’ Jackass? Because you know they were drunk and didn’t give a shit on top of things. POLL: Should I fire the Alter Boys? Lord knows they’re just jobbers and I never do anything with them. I could use the free roster space and cash. I would ask about Politically Incorrect, but I know you guys love the stereotypes much more than the Catholics.)

Winners: Webb of Kaos (which I think was the title for that whole Spider-Clone saga.)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 76%

 

Palumbo comes to in what we are calling a hospital room, regardless of the Motel 6 logo on the bedspread. He’s been in a coma since Tony Stetson jumped him over a week ago. I know I never mentioned that, but it’s not like I’m going to do segments on a guy in a coma. Ahmed Johnson matches are at least slightly more exciting than that (so, I’m lying, sue me). Anyway, Palumbo comes to and a busty Asian nurse immediately runs to his side. The XPW is owned by Rob Black after all, busty Asians in nurse uniforms are a dime a dozen for us. She fills him in on the crap that’s been going since he’s been out of it, including that Tony Stetson has been revealed as the new Flock-Nest leader. Tony Stetson?! He’s not the new Flock-Nest leader and he can prove it. Palumbo storms out of the room and leaves the nurse with a video camera, a can of whip cream and a catheter. Wait until you see that tape.

Segment Rating: 71%

 

I’ll Eat Your Relatives and the Horse They Rode in on Singles Match

Ahmed Johnson vs Chris Chetti:

Chetti hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Chetti walks into a trip. Ahmed Johnson punches away at Chris Chetti. Ahmed Johnson misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Flapjack from Ahmed on Chetti. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Chris Chetti fights out of a grapple. Second rope flying axe handle, Ahmed goes down. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. There's a two count on the pin. Tiger suplex on Ahmed, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Ahmed Johnson reverses a hip toss. Ahmed Johnson hits a bulldog off the ropes. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Ahmed Johnson gets taken down out of nowhere. Joey Numbers comes running down the aisle with a chair! Chetti whips Ahmed Johnson into the ropes. Numbers jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Numbers, Ahmed, and the chair! Ahmed Johnson staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Ahmed Johnson goes nuts, screaming and yelling at everyone within earshot. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(That’s right, it’s the debut of JOEY NUMBERS! The long talked about friend of Tazz who in my reality is the cousin of Chris Chetti. So, he’s like Tazz’s Second Cousin Joey Numbers. Numbers is really Evan Karagias, but lord knows I wasn’t doing anything with him anyway and this gimmick has to get more over than being a Backstreet Boy knockoff and sex tool of Tank Abbott. The funny thing is, the day after I changed Evan’s name he was pulled over by the cops for drugs. We explained to them that it was just Stacker 2, Paulie Walnuts slipped them a couple bucks to the look the other way and everything was jake.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 53%

Crowd Reaction: 56%

Match Quality: 49%

 

Tag Titles, We Don’t Need No Stinking Tag Titles Tag Team Match for the XPW Tag Team Titles

Mexico's Most Wanted vs Villanos Funk 49:

Vil V takes a kick to the chest, and staggers back. Running clothesline from Damien 666, sloppily done. Damien 666 with an enziguri. Tag between Villano V and Villano IV. Villano IV strikes Damien. Villano IV misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Damien hits a quick kick on Vil IV. Tag between Damien 666 and Halloween. Mexico's Most Wanted hook up Vil IV, then hit a double suplex. Flying elbow off the top rope by Halloween, poor elevation though. Slingshot clothesline by Halloween, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Halloween tags out to Damien 666. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Damien turns...and falls for the distraction! Villano IV runs at Damien from behind...but misses! Villano IV collides with Lady Victoria! Damien 666 floors Villano IV...and climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Moonsault, forget about it. 1....2...3! Villanos don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack Mexico's Most Wanted, and send them to the outside with The Glory of the Villanos. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends. Slap ***** on it, move on.

(I congratulate Villano IV on not cradling everybody. Post match they all drink Tequila and dare Lizzy Borden to eat the worm before eating their worms. Who wants Taco Bell?)

Winners: Mexico’s Most Wanted

Overall Rating: 45%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 52%

 

I Planned on Doing This a Long Time Ago, so Meh, Television Title Match

Honky Tonk Orton vs GQ Money:

GQ gets slammed. Honky Tonk Orton misses a clothesline. Lame kick from GQ. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. GQ Money uses something vaguely resembling a reverse suplex. Cover, but there's no one to count for GQ Money. Orton ducks a wild right hand. Big backdrop on GQ, executed well. Big piledriver on GQ. There's a two count on the pin. Death valley driver by Honky Tonk Orton, GQ Money got planted. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. GQ counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. GQ Money hits a shaky delayed suplex on Orton. Pin, but Orton is out just before the three count. Honky Tonk Orton avoids a GQ Money avalanche. Honky Tonk Orton gets a roll-up...and grabs a handful of tights as well! The referee doesn't see it: 1....2...3!! Honky Tonk Orton slides out of the ring to the floor, then turns and leaves through the crowd. He's happy to have the win, and evidently isn't going to hang around for GQ to get some payback. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(Ref bump ten seconds in, I think that breaks Triple H’s record. This should also end the epic Eddie Money vs. Elvis Presley feud with the King coming out on top. I need now is a stable of Foghat marks and we’re back on track.)

Winner: Honky Tonk Orton

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 52%

Match Quality: 68%

 

Main Event Series of Survival Match for Control of XPW as if Anybody Would Want That

The Major’s Gunns vs Flock-Nest:

First Fall : Double arm suplex by Danny Doring, Wild Child hits hard. Flying shoulder tackle by Doring sends Wild Child to the mat. There's a two count on the pin. Danny Doring misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Flying knee to the face from American Wild Child. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Wild Child only gets knees on a splash. Spinebuster by Danny Doring. Pin, three count, it's over. Danny Doring pins Wild Child. Second Fall : Big dropkick by Danny Doring, who got good elevation. Big piledriver on Stetson. There's a two count on the pin. Doring walks into a trip. Stetson DDTs Danny Doring. Tony Stetson moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Fists Of Fury. 1....2...3, it's finished. Third Fall : Tony Stetson hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Stetson hits a stump piledriver on Terry Funk. There's a two count on the pin. Funker counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Side suplex from Funker. Tony Stetson gets knocked to the ground by Funker, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - Moonsault, forget about it. 1....2...3! Fourth Fall : Uninspiring brawling from The Sandman. Powerslam from The Sandman on Nesty. Hooks the leg for a two count. Nesty blocks a kick from The Sandman. Back heel kick off the second rope, Sandman goes down. FlockNest Monster has The Sandman down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Moonsault!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Fifth Fall : Nesty hits a dropkick on Terry Funk. Nesty crushes Funker with a running senton. Hooks the leg for a two count. Terry Funk ducks a clothesline attempt. Terry Funk turns Nesty inside-out with a clothesline. Terry Funk moves in for the kill. DDT!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Sixth Fall : Supreme strikes away at Terry Funk. Funker takes a vertical suplex. Hooks the leg for a two count. Supreme walks into a trip. Funker DDTs Supreme. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Supreme fights out of a grapple. Supreme hits a sloppy double axe handle. Pin, three count, it's over. Supreme pins Funker. Final Fall : Flying elbow from Perry Saturn. Saturn crushes Supreme with a running senton. Pin, but Supreme is out just before the three count. Perry Saturn scores with a standing spinebuster. Supreme powers out of a headlock. Weak bodyslam on Saturn by Supreme. Perry Saturn is in trouble. Supreme Choke Slam!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Ok, no witty missives, keep reading, the good stuff is in the next segment. I know, I know, I’m a terrible liar. Plus, not even I felt like reading that mess of a match review above. I’m sure it looked like a 12 car pile-up on the 405 at rush hour.)

Winners: Flock-Nest

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 46%

 

Palumbo storms into the arena a little too late. He gets on the mic and wants to bring this farce to an end. He’s closing the whole promotion? No, he’s going to tell everyone who the new Flock-Nest leader is. Through his meticulous (and by that we mean retarded and sloppy) investigation he’s found some interesting notations on the XPW books for the month. One, a 200% increase in the funds spent on cleaning utensils and several phone calls a day from an unlisted number to Commissioner Gunns’ office (so, that’s why we’re losing money). Major Gunns was in on it the whole time! And who is Major Gunns always sweet on in backstage segments? And who had been close to Raven and Richards in the past as an ally and adversary to know how they work? And who was conveniently the last man in the ring to be pinned and give the Flock-Nest control of XPW in a match sanctioned by the Commissioner? Not Tony Stetson, but that evil, malicious criminal genius PERRY SATURN! Saturn bashes Palumbo’s brains in with the Gonad Whacker! The Flock-Nest clear the ring and stand behind their new leader and malicious mastermind PERRY SATURN! Joey Styles beats his penny loafer on the table and then smokes a whole pack of Kool’s to calm down. Terry Funk is a little confused at to what’s going on. He used to be with it and then changed what ‘it’ was and what is ‘it’ now seems weird and strange to him, like Perry Saturn as some sort of James Bond villain. He hasn’t shown the brains pour water out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel in the past. I guess it’s better than Tony Stetson as the leader though. Tony Stetson? How much acid was I on? Oh yeah, about six tabs.)

Segment Rating: 62%

 

Show Rating: 57%

Attendance: 890 guys who were just there for hookers, but hey we take whatever audience we can get.

[Guest chirs3]

... how the hell was a cross body off the top rope the very first move of the Dinero/Wesley match?

 

Dinero: "Hey Wesley, look over there!"

[Guest Lightning Flik]

... how the hell was a cross body off the top rope the very first move of the Dinero/Wesley match?

 

Dinero: "Hey Wesley, look over there!"

Easy. While the one dude is parading around the ring, the other dude runs up the top rope while his back is turned around, and then dive into the cross body while the other just turns around into it.

 

Or the XPW explanation:

 

Dude 1 didn't expect Dude 2 to actually do a top rope move right off the start.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Yeah, I'd go with explanation 2. They fucked up pretty much. I wanted them to do at least 5 minutes while people were still finding their seats. Bilvis wears these lifts in his shoes because he's really only like 4 foot 11, so he pretty much just tripped over his own feet and couldn't get back up. (I like how I pretend this shit is real. I am so doing Sophie.)

[Guest Lightning Flik]

Yeah, I'd go with explanation 2. They fucked up pretty much. I wanted them to do at least 5 minutes while people were still finding their seats. Bilvis wears these lifts in his shoes because he's really only like 4 foot 11, so he pretty much just tripped over his own feet and couldn't get back up. (I like how I pretend this shit is real. I am so doing Sophie.)

Dude, it's no biggy. This stuff is really great. I swear, I laugh harder with each XPW show you do.

 

Although, I've gotta admit something.

 

Seeing too much of your XPW warps your mind. Before I was a listener of nice normal music. Now, I'm freakin listening to Justin Timberlake singing and liking it. *sadly, I really am listening to Timberlake, no joke*

 

You gotta put an advisor up or something for each post. You know, "Viewer Discretion is Advised, but we all know you want your XPW filling."

Edited March 8, 2003 by Lightning Flik

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Funnily enough Frost, I also re-named a jobber Joey Numbers

 

Fire the Catholics

[Guest ShooterJay]

Dude, don't fire the Catholics!

 

If you check their stats, they'er actually a couple of the few decent workers you have, plus there's so much potential humor there it's ridiculous.

 

Give them a "sexy nun" manager and whip them into shape!

[Guest Zack Malibu]

For the next show, you should have a "CUM as you are" battle royal, and play off the Bunkhouse Stampede. Have Major Gunns show up with a dildo still in her ass or something (like her and Orton were engaged in some Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love backstage) when her # was called. Then have her use it as a weapon. Dirty dildos=ratings.

[Guest Zero_Cool]

Dude, I just started reading this stuff..and it's fuckin' fantastic. Also, where have I heard the name Tony Stetson before? It reminds me of EWD.