EWR Diary for XPW

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

1) Tony Stetson was a jobber in ECW that briefly ran with the Nest and was a tag team with Johnny Hotbody. He was the only guy I could find affiliated with Raven in the game and that's why I picked him up as a red herring.

 

2) A "Cum as you are Battle Royal" is funny. I think I'd work the dildo bit with Lizzy Borden, who is becoming my resident whore. Probably won't be able to work it in for a couple more shows.

 

3) I actually do like the Alter Boys and they are decent workers. However, I already fired the New Panthers and I know there would be an outcry if I fired Politically Incorrect. I should be able to keep everyone on as of now, next month might be a different story.

 

A new show should be up later tonight or tomorrow afternoon. Keep yours open and thanks for the all the feedback.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for June 30th, 2003

Live from the Moonlight Ranch (there are hookers, we like it here)

Hosts: Joey Styles and the FlockNest Monster

 

Perry Saturn leads the Flock-Nest to the ring with Major Gunns in tow. He gets on the mic to address the crowd. “Now, you know the height of my diabolical machinations. Now, you know the zenith of my intellectual prowess. Now, everyone can quake in the wake of the lascivious devastation I shall bring to XPW. With the Flock-Nest as my legion, with Lady Victoria as my paramour, no insubordinate simpleton from the Enterprise shall stand in my path! The path of Perrious Saturn!” (image Perry Saturn saying all that stuff and it’s pretty funny.) Wait a minute, what about Major Gunns? It was she who allowed Saturn to work his mysterious dealings out of love. “Yes, out of misguided, sordid love, which I, Perrious Saturn, shall turn to loathing!” Saturn cold cocks her with the Gonad Whacker and the Flock-Nest takes turn sodomizing her with a tennis racket…until they realize she’s enjoying it and stop. Now in control of XPW, Saturn fires Major Gunns and instills Lady Victoria as the new commissioner. Her first official act as Commissioner is to book Perrious Saturn vs. Terry Funk for the XPW World Title this Wednesday on Wet Dream. Why not do it tonight? Because only 3 people watch Nightmare and at least 11 people watch Wet Dream; larger audience. Plus, the rodeo is in town and you know how Terry Funk gets when he smells bull dung.

Segment Rating: 55%

 

Yee-Haw, Gets me a Rope and We’s Hang ‘em Stereotype Singles Match

“Hot Shit” Tony Stetson vs The Miserly Jew:

Messed up bodyslam by Stetson. Side suplex from Stetson. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Stetson. Stetson DDTs The Miserly Jew. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Weak slam from Stetson. Hooks the leg for a two count. MJ counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. The Miserly Jew hits a right hand on Tony Stetson. The Miserly Jew hits a bulldog off the ropes. Stetson counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Powerslam from Tony Stetson on MJ. MJ scores with a forearm, sending Stetson down into the corner. The referee pulls The Miserly Jew away to get the break. Wait! Stetson has pulled something out of his tights. The Miserly Jew walks over...and gets floored by a punch! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the brass knuckles! Tony Stetson slides out of the ring to the floor, then turns and leaves through the crowd. He's happy to have the win, and evidently isn't going to hang around for MJ to get some payback. Slap a DUD on it, move on.

(Saturn meets up with Stetson post match and promises him a reward on Wet Dream for being such a loyal follower and serving as the red herring for his plans. It is the XPW; blowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs!)

Winner: Tony Stetson

Overall Rating: 41%

Crowd Reaction: 32%

Match Quality: 50%

 

Lady Victoria as the new commissioner gets settled into Major Gunns’ old bathroom stall office. She’s going to have to hire a truck to come get all of these used dildos and jars of ass lube. T’Pol charges in and demands to know why the Villanos have been booked in a rematch against Mexico’s Most Wanted from last night. Well, I don’t know, possibly, maybe, perhaps, it’s because she’s evil and plans to screw Halloween and Damien. Screwing the workers, glad to see she’s picking up where Gunns left off. T’Pol made sure to visit Rob Black earlier in the day at his home, the chained up slave girls don’t scream as loud as one would think and the puppy eating snakes are actually kind of a letdown, but she digresses. She’s worked a deal with Rob Black to assure that Lady Victoria cannot fire or excessively bury the Enterprise or any of their direct allies. And you can view the fruits of this deal in a series of erotic videotapes beginning with your introductory cassette of “T’Pol Does Every City in the U.S. Beginning with the Letter Q.” You bitch! You whore! You tramp! You floozy! You Gunns! You Borden! A catfight erupts and Victoria winds up taking a swirlie.

Segment Rating: 74%

 

Perrious Saturn is being fitted by tailors in the back for a three-piece suit to fit his new image. Palumbo wanders in and informs Saturn that he knows he is the new Flock-Nest leader and he’s going to reveal it TONIGHT! “You blithering dolt, you revealed my manipulations last night at XPW Multiple Orgasm!” Oh…right…he forgot. Still, the mystery might be solved, but the threat lingers. Palumbo is going to hound his tracks and bring him to justice if it’s the last thing he does. Of course, he said that about beating Q*Bert too back in 1983. “It will be a distinct gratification to thwart your petty nuisance at every rung of my ladder of operation.” Sitting up reading the dictionary late at night does payoff.

Segment Rating: 56%

 

Yeah, Like you Don’t See a Screw Job Coming in This Tag Match for the XPW Tag Team Titles

Mexico's Most Wanted vs Villanos:

Vil V hits an arm drag on Halloween. Kick to the gut from Vil V, who couldn't even execute that properly. Hooks the leg for a two count. Vil V tags out to Villano IV. Villanos whip Halloween into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Cover for a two count. Villano IV arm drags Halloween over. Villano IV gets taken down out of nowhere. Back heel kick from Halloween on Vil IV, missed by miles. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Halloween and Damien 666. Back heel kick from Damien on Vil IV. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Vil IV walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Damien 666 misses a clothesline. Flying elbow from Villano IV, barely hitting the target. Tag between Villano IV and Villano V. Some chops from Vil V, all of which barely touched Damien 666. Tag to Halloween. Sharp kick from Vil V, although it clearly missed. FN All Stars come running down the aisle with chairs! Vil V and Halloween continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. American Wild Child slides in and blasts Halloween with a chair to the head! Wild Child climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Villano V moves in for the kill. Super Kick! 1....2....3. Mexico's Most Wanted look like they aren't done...and they attack Villanos! After an exchange of blows, Vil V and Vil IV are laid out in the ring. Rating: ***** star.

(At least they didn’t cradle them. And where’s the referee in all this? He doesn’t see Wild Child blasting Halloween with a chair? The Flock-Nest era starts in full now: retarded screw job endings are up 37%! An over six month run with the tag titles for Mexico’s Most Wanted is pretty decent if you ask me and to be defeated by gods among men isn’t a bad way to go out.)

Winners and new XPW Tag Team Champions: Los Villanos

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 54%

 

Show Rating: 53%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 180 hookers with the day off and out of yarn for their quilting circle.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Yee-Haw, Gets me a Rope and We’s Hang ‘em Stereotype Singles Match

I would have kept the New Panthers around for this sorta thing Frost

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for July 2nd, 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Perrious Saturn and Commissioner Lady Victoria come out to the ring. Since Saturn is so sure that he’s going to win the World Title at the end of the night, he would like to vacate the Deathmatch title now. They scoured the ranks of the XPW to find a charismatic, death defying, superstar wrestler that exudes all that is good and true with the sport. However, they couldn’t find anyone that fit the bill and just decide to be mondo-dicks and give it to the FlockNest Monster instead. The FlockNest Monster would first like to thank the academy, his parents, his step-parents, his foster parents, his illegitimate father, Catfish Hunter, Spiro Agnew, Charlie the Star-Kist Tuna, the Cylons from Battlestar Galactica, the inventor of Windex…uh, how much more time do we need to fill…Barbara Feldon, Joe Kinky Big Dick Friedman, the producers of Zardoz, David Allen Coe and the starting lineup of the 1976 Boston Bruins. But not God, because really when was the last time God ever really did something for him. (FlockNest Monster is a heel after all.)

Segment Rating: 58%

 

“2 Tickets 2 Paradise” by Eddie Money hits and out walks GQ Money. Hey, if they’re going to turn the Deathmatch Title into the Jobber to the Stars belt, he might as well get in on it. He challenges FlockNest Monster to a title match later on and they’ll get it on “just like Ronnie said!” Lord, help me his catch phrase is “just like Ronnie said.” I think that’s the first real catch phrase I’ve come up with outside of Terry Funk just randomly saying the word “son of a bitch.”

Segment Rating: 57%

 

Stetson Reward Match and a Treat for us All Really

“Hot Shit” Tony Stetson vs Bradshaw (yes, Bradshaw):

Incredibly weak headbutt on Bradshaw by Stetson. Tony Stetson hits a weak punch on Bradshaw. Tony Stetson strikes Bradshaw. There's a two count on the pin. Tony Stetson punches away at Bradshaw. There's a two count on the pin. Bradshaw blocks a kick from Tony Stetson. Bradshaw hits Stetson. Hooks the leg for a two count. Bradshaw DDTs Stetson, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Stetson reverses a Bradshaw hammerlock. Sloppy tornado punch from Tony Stetson, Bradshaw barely got hit. Bradshaw is in trouble. Here it comes - Fists Of Fury. 1....2...3, it's finished. Tony Stetson gives a murderous look toward Bradshaw...and attacks! Bradshaw gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Stetson leaves the ring having left Bradshaw down and out. DUD.

(So, here is my brilliant idea. I hire lumps of useless flesh we all hate, like Bradshaw here, job them out to Tony Stetson, have Stetson beat the shit out of them post-match and totally make them look like a douchetard. They get pissed off, I offer them their release, they accept it and it doesn’t cost me one thin dime and I damage a stiff while putting Stetson over. Unless I miscalculated on having to pay Bradshaw even after him being fired, I am a beautiful genius. I promptly fired Bradshaw the next day and MLW picked him up and fired Stevie Ray. I won’t start in on what kind of problems that fed has.)

Winner: “Hot Shit” Tony Stetson

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 40%

 

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti and Joey Numbers are with Lizzie Borden in the back. Hey there, two at once costs you extra. Chetti would like to officially welcome his cousin, Tazz’s 2nd cousin and friend, Joey Numbers to the fed proper and thank him for helping out in his match with Ahmed at XPW Multiple Orgasm. Hmm…you know Joey you look a lot like Evan Karagias. Oh no, that guy is a faggot, Joey Numbers is a real man’s man, have some Stacker 2, Lizzy. No thanks, they react odd to my implants. Nah, c’mon, try some Stacker 2, all the cool kids are doing it. I better not. It’s free, won’t cost you a dime, just take one, I know you’ll like it. No that’s ok. “FUCKING BITCH, TAKE SOME STACKER 2 BEFORE I KILL YOU!” Borden downs a whole bottle and now has to piss really, really bad and her mouth tastes like copper.

Segment Rating: 59%

 

Looks Like We’re in the Right Place to Burn Some Fat Singles Match

Joey Numbers vs Ahmed Johnson:

Some weak shots by Ahmed. Numbers takes a weak kick. Big forearm by Ahmed, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Ahmed Johnson hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Numbers counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Joey Numbers hits a rolling kick on Ahmed. Super kick by Joey Numbers. Hooks the leg for a two count. Ahmed drops out the back of a Joey Numbers bodyslam attempt. Ahmed Johnson hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Sloppy tornado punch from Ahmed Johnson, Numbers barely got hit. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Joey Numbers takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Spinning back kick from Joey Numbers. Ahmed pushes out of a Joey Numbers hold. Numbers takes a weak clothesline. Mark Henry comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Joey Numbers turns around.... Big Splash!!! That shook the ring. Henry leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Ahmed defeats Numbers. Ahmed and Henry are beating the hell out of Joey Numbers! Chris Chetti sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Ahmed Johnson, exchanging punches! He goes down quickly though when Henry clips the knee from behind! The Fat Boys put the boots to Chris Chetti, and leave him down on the canvas next to Joey Numbers. What a demolition! Slap a DUD on it, move on.

(Ok, so who makes a good nemesis for two fat burning pill peddlers? Why, two obese, pissed off black guys, of course. If you took all the fat out of Ahmed and Henry they would be about the size of Gary Coleman. This is one part of Sandman 9000’s choice for our roster addition. Want to know the rest, then read on MacDuff.)

Winner: Ahmed Johnson

Overall Rating: 45%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 48%

 

Mark Henry and Ahmed Johnson regroup in the back with their new manager Heavy D (some random indy manager, I forget his name, it’s not like you would know him anyway, hell he might not even be a real guy). Ahmed called him and Mark in to deal with Chetti and his drug dealing cousin. They stand for what’s real and right, the truth. Chetti and Numbers need to get down with the brown…the brown gravy that is. It’s American to be obese, it’s you’re God given right to pick your teeth with a pork chop and then wash it all down with a glass of hot lard. They will make the XPW and the west coast safe for overeaters everywhere! Heavy D would like to talk more, but they have to make it down to Straw Hat Pizza before they close the dinner buffet. (I’ve got this all backwards, these guys should be the faces and the weight loss guys should be the heels.)

Segment Rating: 53%

 

Perrious Saturn is in the back swallowing small kittens whole (he’s evil!). Honky Tonk Orton would like a moment of his precious time, if he wouldn’t mind talking to such a lowly peon sir. “Very well, but make it post haste as my mental synapses must prepare for the thrashing the one known as Funk shall receive at my manicured hand.” After tonight, the Flock-Nest will control all the belts in the XPW, but one. Namely his T.V. title and he wanted to offer his services to the Flock-Nest so he could hold onto it. Well, he was thinking of giving it to Tony Stetson as a hood ornament, but I guess he can keep it if he does a small favor for him. The Sandman might prove to be a thorn in the Flock-Nest’s side and he would appreciate it if Orton would divert his attention. What do you want me do? I don’t know; drink him under the table? No, that’s not happening. Give him the keys to your car and have him go by a donut shop so the cops pick him up for drunk driving.

Segment Rating: 53%

 

Craptastic Means to an End Singles Squash

The Sandman vs American Wild Child:

Weak kick from Sandman. Uninspiring brawling from The Sandman. The Sandman hits a weak elbow on American Wild Child. Wild Child takes a weak clothesline. American Wild Child comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Sandman takes a chop from Wild Child. Badly executed second rope splash by Wild Child. There's a two count on the pin. Sandman reverses a waistlock. Sandman hits a stump piledriver on American Wild Child. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Sandman on Wild Child. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Sandman only gets knees on a splash. American Wild Child strikes Sandman. The Sandman takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. The Sandman strikes American Wild Child. The Sandman floors American Wild Child...and climbs the turnbuckles. Through the air, Top Rope Legdrop! 1....2....3. Honky Tonk Orton comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Sandman turns around...straight into a Shake, Rattle and Orton!! The Sandman has been left down on the canvas. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(The Sandman vs. Honky Tonk Orton! Now that’s a real feud. I might spoil you guys with all these hot feuds and sizzling * matches. Post match, the Sandman tries to get back at Orton by calling Elvis a lush just like him. Elvis was a pill popper thank you very much. Joey Numbers: “You rang?”)

Winner: The Sandman

Overall Rating: 53%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 51%

 

Hardcore Deathmatch that Will Make Your Eyes Burst and Your Ears Bleed for the XPW Deathmatch Title

FlockNest Monster vs GQ Money:

Nesty hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Flying trash can shot from the top rope! GQ takes a flying neckbreaker from FlockNest Monster. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Nesty walks into a trip. GQ Money slams Nesty onto a video machine. GQ Money scores with a face jam on FlockNest Monster. Hooks the leg for a two count. FlockNest Monster powers out of a GQ Money headlock. Spinning bulldog in the corner, GQ is down. Cover for a two count. Back heel kick off the second rope, GQ goes down. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. GQ counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Uninspiring brawling from GQ Money. FlockNest Monster fights out of a grapple. Flying elbow from FlockNest Monster. FlockNest Monster gets a roll-up...and grabs a handful of tights as well! The referee doesn't see it: 1....2...3!! I don't think the fight has finished. FlockNest Monster and GQ have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(Grabbing a handful of tights in a hardcore match is cheating? You’ve got to love that, that’s like Flair level heelery. I know you’ve all been chomping at the bit for it, so the FlockNest Monster push starts now! You have to put up with the Tony Stetson push too, so I guess it all evens out. But he is Hot Shit you know?)

Winner: FlockNest Monster

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 46%

Match Quality: 72%

 

Terry Funk is in the back with Lizzy Borden. He has some choice, well thought out words for Perrious Saturn. Funk clears his throat, drink a glass of water, pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket, puts on a pair of reading glasses and states, “Perrious Saturn is a cock smoking son of a bitch! Thank you.” Funk bows and walks off camera.

Segment Rating: 76%

 

So It Has Come to This Singles Match for the XPW World Title

Terry Funk vs Perrious Saturn:

Saturn receives some unexciting punishment. Terry Funk hits Saturn. Terry Funk strikes Perrious Saturn. Running clothesline from Terry Funk, sloppily done. Saturn blocks a kick from Terry Funk. Perrious Saturn with a spinning neckbreaker on Funker. Funker walks into a spike slam. There's a two count on the pin. Terry Funk ducks a clothesline attempt. Big clothesline from Funker. There's a two count on the pin. Terry Funk scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Terry Funk misses a clothesline. Saturn hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Funker powers out of a headlock. Weak bodyslam on Saturn by Funker. Kaos comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Perrious Saturn turns around.... and gets floored! Kaos climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Kaostrify!!! Kaos leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin, three count, it's over. Terry Funk pins Saturn. Perrious Saturn goes nuts, attacking the referee! DDT! The referee is out! Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(Notice how we don’t even do ref bumps anymore? Kaos runs into the ring, hits Saturn and then goes up top to hit his finisher. At the least that has to take a minute to get through. What is the ref doing, checking the turnbuckle pads, retrieving Terry’s dentures from where they got knocked out of his mouth. It’s almost as bad as Villano IV’s magistral cradle beat downs. Also, I know, not even Vince Russo would have booked a swerve like that. How could the evil machinations of Perrious Saturn go so wrong? Well, he is supposed to be a knock off of a James Bond villain after all. He’s still feuding with Kaos anyway and I could use another face so turning Kaos was a good idea. But I tell you; I just can’t get their feud to end. It’s like having a case of Natty Light in your fridge, you drink it all and somehow still have a twelve pack left.)

Winner: Terry Funk

Overall Rating: 66%

Crowd Reaction: 68%

Match Quality: 63%

 

Show Rating: 57%

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 176 people who really, really, really, really, really wanted to see Bradshaw job, i.e. his family and friends.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

This Stetson Push is GOLD, Frost, GOLD

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

State of the Union Address for Monday July 7th

 

For all of you who seem to care of such things, this is the complete rundown of the fed as it stands about six months into my tenure. Want to know anything else? Ask.

 

Xtreme Professional Wrestling (XPW)

Regional organization

Public Image 55%

Owner: Rob Black

Operating Capital as of Monday July 7th: $218,440

Risk Level 95%

Production Values: 70%

Merchandising: 27%

Advertising: 40%

Commissioner: Lady Victoria

Main Sponsor: Franklyn Ltd.

Minor Sponsors: Brinkman Records, Blunt Connection, Duke Furnishings

 

Television:

XPW Monday Nightmare

Graveyard shift on KJLA

Currently 37 weeks left on contract

Highest possible rating: .15

Average rating: .15

Current hosts: Joey Styles & the FlockNest Monster

 

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream

Prime Time on Comcast

Currently 30 weeks left on contract

Highest possible rating: .56

Average rating: .56

Current hosts: Joey Styles & Sandy Finkel

 

Highest T.V. rating we could achieve at this time is a 1.20, but no networks where we could pull that are interested due to our risk and/or production levels.

 

Wrestling Market:

The market is at a healthy 54% of its peak, but weakening

 

Staff:

Announcers-Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

Referees-Felony, James Hart, Kim Deal, Mike Kehner

Production-Andy Polshaw, Banky Banderas, Ben Hickman, Winston Morrison

Medical-Chris Peak, Chris Pepper, Larry Gossard

Writers-Beckie Stones, Holden Suicide, Mike Brinkman, Red Mystery (it’s like the Marvel Bullpen from the mid-eighties)

Road Agents-Jan Kolasinski, Matt Cumberlidge, Tawny Cuthill

 

At this time we can hire staff workers of 60 or below skill level

 

Roster

Main Eventers

 

FACES

Terry Funk

Palumbo

Sandman

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Danny Doring

 

HEELS

Perrious Saturn

Honky Tonk Orton

Supreme

Webb

 

Upper Carders

 

FACES

Kaos

Damien 666

Halloween

Julio Dinero

 

HEELS

Ahmed Johnson

Mark Henry

 

Mid Carders

 

FACES

GQ Money

Joey Numbers

Alter Boy Luke

Alter Boy Matthew

 

 

HEELS

FlockNest Monster

American Wild Child

 

Lower Carders

 

HEELS

“Hot Shit” Tony Stetson

Villano IV

Villano V

 

Openers

 

FACES

The Drunk Irishman

The Miserly Jew

 

HEELS

Bilvis Weseley

 

Managers

 

FACE

T’Pol

 

HEEL

Lizzy Borden

Lady Victoria

Heavy D

 

Title Belts:

XPW World held by Terry Funk with an image rating of 62

XPW Television held by Honky Tonk Orton (63)

XPW Deathmatch held by the FlockNest Monster (57)

XPW Tag Team Titles held by the Villanos (53)

 

Feuds:

Terry Funk vs. Supreme (87)

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs. Ahmed Johnson (66)

Mexico’s Most Wanted vs. Los Villanos (22)

GQ Money vs. the FlockNest Monster (51)

Danny Doring vs. Webb (64)

Perrious Saturn vs. Kaos (66)(will end soon and Saturn will feud with Palumbo)

The Sandman vs. Honky Tonk Orton (76)

Joey Numbers vs. Mark Henry (55)

 

Tag Teams:

Los Villanos (IV and V) (Experience level of 66)

Mexico’s Most Wanted (Halloween and Damien 666) (52)

Alter Boys (Luke and Matthew) (40)

2 Tickets 2 Paradise (Money and Dinero) (2)

Memphis Mafia (Wesely and Orton) (2)

FN All-Stars (Monster and Wild Child) (9)

Politically Incorrect (Irishman and Jew) (10)

The Fat Boys (Henry and Johnson) (0)

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection (Numbers and Chetti) (0)

 

Stables:

ENTERPRISE:

T’Pol (stable manager)

Terry Funk (stable leader)

The Sandman

Damien 666

Halloween

GQ Money

Julio Dinero

 

FLOCK-NEST

Lady Victoria (stable manager)

Perrious Saturn (stable leader)

Supreme

FlockNest Monster

American Wildchild

Villano IV

Villano V

“Hot Shit” Tony Stetson

[Guest Goodear]

You know, I think about stupid things way too much...

 

Joey Numbers, who looks nothing like Evan Kuriagous, used to be in 3 Count.

 

Tazz's Cousin Chris Chetti, if you took his name and boiled it down to initals ... would be TCCC or... T3C... or THE 3 COUNT!

 

COINCIDENCE!?!?!??!?!?!?!

 

Only Chuck Palumbo knows.

 

PS: Perrious Saturn eating Kittens whole because he's evil makes me laugh.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

BUMP......just in case

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for July 7th, 2003

Live from Fair Play, California (because it’s ironic and stuff)

Hosts: Joey Styles and FlockNest Monster

 

Perrious Saturn is in the back and mad. Did his cheap trash bag break? No, he’s still fuming over Kaos costing him the World Title last Wednesday. He tries to appease his aggression by smashing hamsters with a mallet, but it’s of little help. There is only one thing than can “quench my thirst for righteous and swift justice.” He books a cage match at the end of show between himself and Kaos. BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *SMASH!*

Segment Rating: 64%

 

10 Man Tag Team Battle Royal of Time Filling Uselessness, but Let’s Pretend it Isn’t

Alter Boys vs. Politically Incorrect vs. FN All-Stars vs. Memphis Mafia vs. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise:

The team with one man left at the end gets a shot at the Villanos on Wet Dream for the Tag Titles. The FlockNest Monster is announced, but keeps his post at the commentator’s table. Standing leg lariat by Alter Boy Luke on Wild Child. American Wild Child was eliminated by Luke. (Elimination # 1) GQ Money strikes Alter Boy Matthew. Alter Boy Matthew was eliminated by GQ. (Elimination # 2) Kick from Julio Dinero to the leg. The Drunk Irishman got bundled out by Dinero. (Elimination # 3) Super kick by Julio Dinero. Dinero went for the elimination, but GQ Money held on to the ropes. Dinero uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Dinero hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Dropkick connects, GQ goes down. Orton tried to get GQ Money over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Stiff high kick on Oroton by Julio Dinero who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Dinero tried to get Honky Tonk Orton over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Kick from Julio Dinero to the leg. Springboard dropkick from Julio Dinero. Nicely done. Full nelson slam on Bilvis Wesely. Orton tried to get GQ over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Nesty hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Diamond Dust from Alter Boy Luke, GQ is out. Standing leg lariat by Julio Dinero on MJ. Dinero threw The Miserly Jew over the top rope. (Elimination # 4) Fallaway slam by Honky Tonk Orton. Julio Dinero was eliminated by Orton. (Elimination # 5) GQ walks into a high dropkick from Alter Boy Luke. Luke tried to eliminate GQ Money, who hung onto the top rope. Luke hits a dropkick on Bilvis Wesley. Dropkick connects, Bilvis goes down. Luke hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Alter Boy Luke hits a rolling kick on Bilvis. Big backdrop on Luke, executed well. Luke gets slammed. Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Honky Tonk Orton uses a forearm to the face. Bilvis Wesley got thrown over the top rope by Orton. (Elimination # 6) Orton slams GQ Money. Massive lariat, apparently Orton has been watching The Best Of Stan Hansen again. Luke uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Luke went for the elimination, but GQ Money held on to the ropes. Luke gets slammed. Alter Boy Luke got eliminated by Orton. (Elimination # 7) GQ Money hits a right hand on Honky Tonk Orton. GQ Money uses an armbreaker to take Orton down. GQ hits a rolling kick on Orton. GQ threw Honky Tonk Orton over the top rope. (Elimination # 8). GQ Money celebrates, thinking he won. The FlockNest Monster slips into the ring under the bottom rope and sneaks up behind GQ to dump him to the floor unawares. FlockNest Monster uses underhanded tactics to take the win for his team. I don't rate battle royals.

(Orton bitched about jobbing. Who bitches about jobbing in a battle royal? You put him in a feud with the Sandman and he thinks he’s Shane Douglas all of a sudden. Watch, he’ll be at a WLW show putting the XPW Television Title in the trash next week……and no one will care. I altered the description so the FlockNest Monster has that cool little angle of sneaking in and dumping GQ. I’m furthing all kinds of storylines in entertaining and logical fashion. I will never work for the WWE. If I did get a job I would be fired for “thinking” within a week.)

Winner: FN All-Stars

Overall Rating: 53%

Crowd Reaction: 40%

Match Quality: 66%

 

Lizzy Borden has Kaos in the back. He thinks it’s funny that Perrious Saturn can become the new leader of the FlockNest and forget all about him. Funny haha or funny queer? Queer? Who’s queer? I ain’t queer. I’m Kaos and I’m going to teach Saturn the meaning of the word tonight. Meaning? You can’t even spell the word. Oh, cause I can’t spell chaos that makes me gay? You suck a guy’s dick one time and it makes you gay? Uh…let’s end the interview right there.

Segment Rating: 61%

 

Doring is Bitching Again and Henry is Hungry for Some Ass (that sounds bad) Singles Match

Danny Doring vs Mark Henry:

Henry takes a back suplex. Henry reverses a waistlock. Some weak shots by Henry. Henry whips Doring into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Henry DDTs Danny Doring. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Doring reverses a Mark Henry hammerlock. Henry gets caught with a short powerbomb from Doring. Nice piledriver on Henry. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger Driver nearly crushes the spine of Henry. Misawa approves i'm sure. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Mark Henry reverses a hip toss. Mark Henry hits a bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Danny Doring takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Joey Numbers comes running down the aisle with a chair! Doring goes to irish whip Mark Henry into the ropes. Numbers hits Henry with a chair to the back! Mark Henry can barely stand. Here it comes - Wham Bam. 1....2...3, it's finished. Joey Numbers remains in the ring. Mark Henry pushes the referee away, then spins Numbers around! Mark Henry hits the Big Splash! Joey Numbers has been floored after the match. This one gets * rating and likes it.

(I can’t get the Doring/Webb feud to end either, but I really don’t care. I can’t think of anything to do with either guy so they might as well be locked into a perpetual feud that will rage until the end of time, or until I feel like pushing Blivis Wesely or some shit and job them out until they leave the fed. Joey Numbers whips out a bottle of Stacker 2 to scare off Mark Henry before he can do more damage. It’s like kryptonite to Superman, after Superman closed down a Great American Steak Buffet and stopped off at a Baskin-Robbins for dessert.)

Winner: Danny Doring

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 56%

Match Quality: 51%

 

Make This Feud Go Away Cage Match

Perrious Saturn vs Kaos:

Kaos throws Saturn into the cage. Super kick by Kaos. Kaos drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Perrious Saturn strikes Kaos. Perrious Saturn hits a rolling kick on Kaos. Perrious Saturn drives Kaos into the cage side. Saturn hits a dropkick on Kaos. Perrious Saturn climbs the cage, but gets pulled down by Kaos! Saturn only gets knees on a splash. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Diamond Dust from Kaos, Saturn is out. Hard back suplex on Saturn. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Kaos launches Saturn into the cage wall. Saturn counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Second rope flying axe handle, Kaos goes down. Tornado DDT from Perrious Saturn, Kaos got planted. Diamond Dust from Kaos, Saturn is out. Kaos goes to leave the cage by the door...but Supreme appears at ringside and slams the door on his head! Saturn takes the opportunity, and climbs out the door for the win! Saturn \ Supreme are beating down on Kaos! The music of Terry Funk hits, and he comes running down the aisle into the ring. Saturn and Supreme bail out of the ring, leaving Kaos down in the ring. Terry Funk may have saved Kaos from a brutal beating. **1\2 rating. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(Don’t you love how Kaos uses a Diamond Dust for a transition move? We tried to show him a wristlock and he laughed at us. Terry Funk will only make a save if his music is played, I think it’s in his contract. If you’re wondering, his theme is “Get the Funk Out of my Face” by the Brothers Johnson. This sets up Kaos and Funk vs. Supreme and Saturn for Wet Dream. Yes, yes, I know, more logical booking. I’m going to hell in a handcart and Paul Heyman is coming with me.)

Winner: Perrious Saturn

Overall Rating: 70%

Crowd Reaction: 69%

Match Quality: 72%

 

Show Rating: 62% (I think that might be our highest ever)

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 174 straight-laced citizens who saw no fair play whatsoever.

[Guest hardyz1]

2 and a half stars? That has to be the highest rated non-Villano match ever.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

What aboot the Tony Stetson push

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

I think we've possibly had a couple ** 1/2 matches in the past. I want to say Terry Funk vs. Johnny Smith got **1/2 once.

 

The Tony Stetson push resumes in a big way with Wet Dream, which I hope to have up by tomorrow night.

[Guest Zero_Cool]

good deal...

 

Also, unless you've already tried it, I say bring in the NWO B-Team for a couple of shows. Norton/Stevie Ray/H-Bomb/Bryan Adams..maybe even Chono for kicks. Give them a mini fued with Saturn's bunch, yet have Stetson go over every one of them.

 

Gold.

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

SWF > XPW

 

Just ask Munich! Right Munich!?

[Guest nl5xsk1]

As near-perfect as your booking has been, I had a brainstorm the other night and feel that it might be perfect for your XPW: the Gay Kamala! Have Ahmed put the moon and stars on his bloated chest and slap his belly, all while mixing in the Goldust-esque effeminite qualities.

 

Gay Kamala = money.

[Guest snuffbox]

This is entertainment.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for July 9th, 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Stuidos in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Lady Victoria addresses the humanoids (I’m not riffing Bobby Heenan, I mean like real humanoids. I never said Comcastlevania was on Earth, but damn our travel expenses to get there are through the roof) from her office. Do to the finish of Monday Nightmare, and no, we’re not going to recap, that’s what you get for not staying up until 4 in the morning and wrapping foil on your antennas to pick the station up. Anyway, do to the finish on Monday Nightmare, Kaos and Terry Funk will be battling Supreme and Perrious Saturn in the main event of tonight’s show. However, in our opening match, we will see the crowning of a new XPW champion! Lady Victoria holds up the newly created XPW Hot Shit Title! I’m sure you can’t imagine whom that’s going to. Also, do to events on Monday Nightmare, the Flock-Nest All-Stars are the number one contenders for the XPW Tag Titles held by the Villanos. The Villanos cannot make any title defenses until they face the number one contenders, but I’m sure we’ll have that match sometime after the Cubs win the World Series. T’Pol then walks in and wants to know why Mexico’s Most Wanted were not involved in the tag team battle royale on Nightmare. Maybe because they suck? If they suck so bad, why doesn’t she let the FN All-Stars put their contendership on the line tonight in a match with them. Fine. Both women flash the camera and pour hot fudge on themselves to end the segment with a touch of class.

Segment Rating: 61%

 

Can I Make a Dud a Stud Continued Push for the XPW Hot Shit Title

"Hot Shit" Tony Stetson vs Bam Bam Bigelow:

Sluggish brawling from Stetson. Bam Bam takes a weak clothesline. Hooks the leg for a two count. Bam Bam backdrops "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson out of a piledriver attempt. Big backdrop on Stetson, executed well. Bam Bam bodyslams "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson. Bam Bam slams "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson down. Bam Bam Bigelow misses a clothesline. Stetson hits a stump piledriver on Bam Bam Bigelow. Bam Bam Bigelow can barely stand. Here it comes - Fists Of Fury. 1....2...3, it's finished. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson gives a murderous look toward Bam Bam Bigelow...and attacks! Bam Bam gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Stetson leaves the ring having left Bam Bam down and out. DUD.

(Ha-Ha! My plan continues without a hitch. Stetson keeps getting over, the stiffs keep getting less over and then they opt out of their verbal agreement the next day. And the creation of the Hot Shit Title just ups his overness that much more. You’d love the belt too, it’s like Austin’s old smoking skull title, but with a giant turd on it.)

Winner and NEW Hot Shit Champion: “Hot Shit” Tony Stetson

Overall Rating: 36%

Crowd Reaction: 24%

Match Quality: 56%

 

Heavy D and Mark Henry are in the back with Lizzy Borden. They try to force feed her spare ribs. The bitch is fly don’t get them wrong, but they like a girl with a little junk in the trunk and funk in her junk. Henry is going to go up against Joey Numbers later tonight. Numbers ain’t nothing but a skinny punk, popping pills like a lady trucker. He’s going to have to choke down a knuckle sandwich later tonight though. MMM……knuckle sandwich… Henry drools down his tights and starts gnawing on his own fist. Hey, where’s Ahmed? They were having a grand opening of a new In and Out Burger down in the valley so he won’t be around for a couple days. Cut to Ahmed holding fistfuls of fries screaming “I’M RICH, BEYOTCH!”

Segment Rating: 51%

 

Doring is Bucking to get Fired Mandatory Squash

Danny Doring vs American Wild Child:

Doctor Bomb, Wild Child landed hard. Death valley driver by Danny Doring, American Wild Child got planted. Powerbomb on Wild Child. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Big clothesline on Wild Child. There's a two count on the pin. American Wild Child takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Danny Doring takes a knee lift from Wild Child. American Wild Child uses a running dropkick into the corner. Doring blocks a kick from American Wild Child. Spinebuster by Danny Doring. American Wild Child gets knocked to the ground by Doring, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - Mamma Jamma Legdrop, forget about it. 1....2...3! Slap a DUD on it, move on.

(Look at all those kick ass power moves out of Danny Doring. He is feeling his inner hoss. I think having both Ahmed Johnson and Mark Henry on the roster is creating a magnetic pull of hossness affecting the rest of the roster. I need to create more hossy euphemisms and start printing T-shirts.)

Winner: Danny Doring

Overall Rating: 45%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 52%

 

Danny Doring is walking in the back after his match. Webb walks up with a piece of paper. He’s try to get into an exclusive trailer park (no double wides~!) and needs some personal references, would he mind? Sure, man no problem. Doring writes down his phone number and then Webb rakes Doring’s hand with the page to give him a paper cut. Dude, what are you doing? We’re still feuding remember? Still? Man, I thought we were done, shit. Webb then pours lemon juice on the cut and runs off giggling like a little girl.

Segment Rating: 63%

 

Sandman is Now Being a Bitch About his Push Mandatory Squash with Storyline Connections

The Sandman vs Bilvis Wesley:

Bilvis Wesley hits some weak-looking punches. Sandman drops out the back of a Bilvis Wesley bodyslam attempt. Sandman hits a stump piledriver on Bilvis Wesley. The Sandman drops Bilvis with a clothesline. Bilvis Wesley can barely stand. Here it comes - DDT. 1....2...3, it's finished. Honky Tonk Orton comes running down the aisle with a guitar! The Sandman is just leaving the ring...and Orton scores with a brutal ka-bong! The Sandman falls to the floor holding his head. DUD.

(Well, that sucked. I changed chair to guitar, because guitar shots are so much more boss. Orton and Wesely rock out to “Little Sister” until Sandman steals the boom box we use to play themes and rocks out to “Enter Sandman.” Elvis already took down Eddie Money, but can he now beat the forces of Metallica?)

Winner: The Sandman

Overall Rating: 40%

Crowd Reaction: 46%

Match Quality: 43%

 

Perrious Saturn and Supreme are in the back to address their match with Kaos and Terry Funk. “I, Perrious Saturn, along with my emissary of eradication, Supreme, shall twist and torture the anatomies of our weak minded adversaries until they articulate their torment with curdled screeches of bone-chilling death and dismemberment, as we waltz on their spleens and savor the sweet tang of their pancreatic juices washing over our pallets and giving us the potency and vigor of ten warriors on the battlefield of fate and destiny! What do you declare my colleague?” “Uh…Supreme?”

Segment Rating: 63%

 

Wasn’t Any Good the First 30 Times, but It’s Been Over a Month Tag Team Match for a Shot at the XPW Tag Team Title

FN All Stars vs Mexico's Most Wanted:

Forearm to the face from Halloween on Wild Child. Face crusher from Halloween on Wild Child. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Damien 666. Mexico's Most Wanted whip Wild Child into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Hooks the leg for a two count. Damien hits an arm drag on Wild Child. Wild Child counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. American Wild Child uses a running dropkick into the corner. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to FlockNest Monster. Nesty crushes Damien with a big legdrop. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Flying elbow from FlockNest Monster. Damien reverses a waistlock. Damien hits a spinning back kick. Tag between Damien 666 and Halloween. Nesty takes a chop from Halloween. Nesty tags out to American Wild Child. Halloween hits a spinning back kick. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise come running down the aisle with Eddie Money albums! Halloween whips American Wild Child into the ropes. GQ jumps onto the apron with the LP! Collision between GQ, Wild Child, and the album! American Wild Child falls to the canvas. American Wild Child gets knocked to the ground by Halloween. American Wild Child gets locked in the Pumpkin Patch! Submission victory! 2 Tickets 2 Paradise signal for the Shakin’! From the crowd come Los Villanos, and they look ready for action! They slide in and start Magistral cradling the hell out of 2 Tickets 2 Paradise! It only lasts a few moments before 2 Tickets 2 Paradise bail out of the ring and head for the backstage area, looking furious. Los Villanos remain in the ring, having gotten the upper hand this time. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous, but the Villanos run in is worth *** easy.

(I don’t have a clue what the Pumpkin Patch is and, frankly, I don’t want to know, but it’s a gay ass name for a submission move. I changed the chairs this time to Eddie Money albums, because lord knows that would scare me enough to job to a gay ass finisher. I added in the cradling too. That’s just amusing to me to picture the Villanos running in for a beatdown and just start throwing funky ass cradles left and right. Post match, the Villanos retrieve the Eddie Money albums and take them back to the Villano-Cave for further study. It sure ain’t no Tito Puente.)

Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 63%

 

I’ve Got Some Rigatoni for Your Italian Ass, Beyotch Hardcore Match

Mark Henry vs Joey Numbers:

Some weak shots by Henry. Joey Numbers powers out of a Mark Henry headlock. Kick from Joey Numbers to the leg. Numbers whips Henry into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Tornado DDT from Joey Numbers, Henry got planted. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Joey Numbers misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Mark Henry smashes a Playstation console over the head of Numbers. Big clothesline from Henry. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Hooks the leg for a two count. Flapjack from Henry on Numbers. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Joey Numbers reverses a hip toss. Face slam on the table by Numbers. Pin, but Henry is out just before the three count. Mark Henry elbows Joey Numbers in the face to break a hammerlock. Heavy D has climbed up onto the apron! Numbers turns...and falls for the distraction! Mark Henry attacks Numbers from behind! Joey Numbers can barely stand. Big Splash! 1....2....3. Heavy D remains in the ring. Joey Numbers pushes the referee away, then slams D down! Joey Numbers climbs to the top rope and hits the Flying Press! Heavy D has been knocked silly. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(You won’t believe how cheap PS One consoles are now a days and we’re using the bulky ass first generation ones too. Numbers has a truckload of Sega Saturns coming in next week. Where did that table come from anyway? It ‘the table’ not ‘a table’ so the syntax leads you to believe that the table was previously introduced, but when has Scott Keith actually worried about using good writing technique. And what’s with a ref bump in a hardcore match? Although they are standard in a Mark Henry match, so I guess that overrides it all. Mark Henry is like my third most over heel. He incredibly sucks, but people still like him. I was thinking of having him go back to the Sexual Chocolate gimmick and then bringing in a guy named Randy Watson as a manager, but nobody would get that reference. I might start calling him Chocolate Thunder and say he hails from Planet Lovetron, but no one would get that reference either.)

Winner: Mark Henry

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Kaos and Terry Funk are in the back to rebuttal what their opponents said earlier. Terry Funk’s response, “I have no idea what that son of a bitch said, but he sure does use his mouth prettier than a 20 dollar whore.” Kaos interrupts with, “I love whores! You know why, because I’m not a faggot. I love whores, tramps, harlots, sluts, jezebels, ladies of ill repute, streetwalkers, call girls, women of the night. You know how I know so many names for broads, because I’m not a faggot.” Terry Funk smashes Kaos in the head with a cookie sheet and barks, “shut up ya’ faggot.”

Segment Rating: 70%

 

Ass Kicking, Spitting, Fussing Fighting, Rootin’ Tootin’ Tag Team Match Involving no Faggots (Kaos just wants you to know that, because he’s not gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that)

Chaotic Funk vs the SS (wait…I don’t think we should call them that):

Weak headbutt on Supreme by Funker. Supreme takes a right hand to the temple from Funker. Cover for a two count. Tag to Kaos. Funker \ Kaos whip Supreme into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Hooks the leg for a two count. Flying elbow from Kaos. Supreme counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Big clothesline from Supreme. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to Perrious Saturn. Saturn crushes Kaos with a running senton. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Fallaway slam by Perrious Saturn. Perrious Saturn misses a clothesline. Hard back suplex on Saturn. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Tag to Terry Funk. Saturn hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. Tag to Supreme. Big kick from Funker. Terry Funk moves in for the kill. DDT!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! I don't think the fight has finished. Funker \ Kaos and Saturn \ Supreme have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(I haven’t had anything to do with Kaos, so we’ll just make him a closet homosexual who hasn’t figured it out yet, because I can make that pretty offensive. XPW: We promise to use the word faggot in a derogatory fashion at least six times an hour.)

Winner: Funk and Kaos

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 60%

Match Quality: 64%

 

Show Rating: 53% (that’s more like it)

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 173 ham and eggers (there are some weird looking aliens up here)

 

DIRE EMERGENCY ALERT! DIRE EMERGENCY ALERT!

The day after this show, The MLW rose to national level and celebrated by stealing Perry Saturn from me. Every time I make someone the new leader of the Flock-Nest they get stolen from me, and Richards went to the MLW too. I hate them so. Do you know who owns the MLW? Jake “the Snake” Roberts. Fucking JAKE ROBERTS! You would think he’d be sleeping on a street corner in Des Moines sucking dick for cocaine instead of being chief in charge of fucking my shit up! I’m afraid we only have on recourse to rectify this situation. The Tony Stetson push hits overdrive! If that doesn’t work GAY KAMALA!

[Guest ShooterJay]

Dude- I get the reference. Darryl Dawkins man.

 

You could turn the Sandman heel and make him the Flocknest leader, but that really wouldn't make any sense.

[Guest Sandman9000]

Dude- I get the reference. Darryl Dawkins man.

 

You could turn the Sandman heel and make him the Flocknest leader, but that really wouldn't make any sense.

Which means it's perfect for XPW.

 

And remember, Darryl Dawkins was SNL's Man of the Millenium.

[Guest ShooterJay]

Dude- I get the reference. Darryl Dawkins man.

 

You could turn the Sandman heel and make him the Flocknest leader, but that really wouldn't make any sense.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Power to the Darryl Dawkins. I might have to do that then.

 

Actually turning Sandman heel for no reason is fine with me. I'm looking at the available people to hire and not seeing much. I haven't used Palumbo in forever, I could turn him. That wouldn't make any damn sense either.

[Guest Sandman9000]

Turn everyone face heel, and everyone heel face. Then swap them both again. By that time, you should have alientated everyone.

[Guest chirs3]

I haven't used Palumbo in forever, I could turn him. That wouldn't make any damn sense either.

That's brilliant!

 

Palumbo could be the REAL new leader of the Flock Nest, thus explaining why he never could figure out who the real new leader of the Flock Nest was. He's so good, he outsmarted himself!

 

And if anyone tries to argue against such logic, just sodomize them with the Gonad Whacker.

[Guest netslob]

yeah that could work, say Perrious Saturn was just a decoy and the real mastermind/Flock-Nest leader was...CHARLTON PALUMBO!! and just plug HIM into the uber-evil Bond-Villain gimmick. and since you just jobbed Saturn anyway, you could use that as the catalyst.

[Guest Sandman9000]

There is no sodomy with the Gonad Whacker. It is used for whacking gonads, not for plugging the escape hole. That's what tennis rackets are for.

 

Speaking of which, there has been a lack of tennis racket sodomy during XPW's shows lately. What gives?

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for July 14th, 2003

Live from the Razor Ramon Memorial Coliseum and Taco Hut Complex in Chico, California

Hosts: Joey Styles and the FlockNest Monster

 

Lady Victoria is shown in the back talking with somebody whose back is to the camera. He is wearing a jacket that says, “I AM PERRIOUS SATURN” on it. Victoria says, “Oh, PERRIOUS SATURN it is a pleasure to be working with such an evil genius like yourself, yourself being PERRIOUS SATUNRN.” The man in the Saturn jacket mumbles, “uh…Supreme?” Victoria whispers to him, “no, you’re supposed to be Perry Saturn, because that fucker left for the MLW.” “Me no Saturn. Me Supreme.” “No, you’re pretending to be Saturn remember?” “Pretend? Like Elmo pretends?” “Yes, like Elmo.” “YAY! Me Elmo!” “No, pretend to be Perry Saturn.” “No, he sucks.” Terry Funk and Palumbo then run in and beat Supreme down with a couple of chairs. “PERRIOUS SATURN is a son of a bitch. I hate you, PERRIOUS SATURN!” “Yes, it is good to beat up PERRIOUS SATURN! We probably won’t see PERRIOUS SATURN around here for a very long time after this beating.” Funk and Palumbo leave Supreme as Saturn lying with Lady Victoria tending to him. “Supreme no want to pretend no more. Pretending hurt Supreme.”

Segment Rating 25% (Fittingly I believe this is our lowest rated segment ever.)

 

This Show is Already in the Crapper, so Let’s Have a Useless Tag Match

Memphis Mafia vs Politically Incorrect:

Running clothesline from The Miserly Jew, sloppily done. Back heel kick from MJ on Bilvis, missed by miles. Cover for a two count. Tag to The Drunk Irishman. The Drunk Irishman scoops up Bilvis. MJ bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. The Drunk Irishman hits a right hand on Bilvis Wesley. Hooks the leg for a two count. Bilvis receives some unexciting punishment. Bilvis reverses a The Drunk Irishman hammerlock. Face-first suplex from Bilvis. Tag to Honky Tonk Orton. Honky Tonk Orton with a spinning neckbreaker on Irishman. Nice piledriver on Irishman. Irishman reverses a waistlock. Irishman tags out to The Miserly Jew. Vicious back suplex! Honky Tonk Orton got nailed. The Miserly Jew plants Orton with an exploder suplex. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Big forearm by The Miserly Jew, ripping a page from the NOAH playbook. Honky Tonk Orton takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Spear by Honky Tonk Orton. Honky Tonk Orton ducks a MJ clothesline and does a quick roll up. Orton has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! The Sandman comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! Orton turns...and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! The Sandman has left Orton down and bloodied. Rating: 1\2 star.

(Shame we didn’t get to see the In the Ghetto-Blaster or the Aborting the Fetus. We have all these great tag finishers and they never get used. Sandman and the Drunk Irishman hook up post match and go drinking. They force the Miserly Jew to be the designated driver, because it’s lint. “Dude, lint is over and I’m Jewish, not Catholic.” “What’s the damn difference? Shut up and drive you fag!” Kaos from somewhere way in the back, “I’m not a fag!”)

Winners: Memphis Mafia

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 54%

 

Lizzy Borden is carting away a box of dildos that Lady Victoria let her have after cleaning out Major Gunns’ old office. A man runs in, breathing hard and covered with sweat. It’s MARK JINDRAK! He asks Lizzy if Palumbo is a part of XPW and what he’s been doing. Yes, he’s been bumbling around and revealed that Perrious Saturn was the new leader of the Flock-Nest. Great Scott, I’m here just in time. I must see the commissioner. Well, Lady Victoria is the commissioner, but she’s in with the Flock-Nest. Great Scott, I may already be too late. I’ve been chasing Palumbo all across the country. On foot? I’m an independent wrestler, like I can afford a car, have you seen the gas prices lately. Jindrak rushes off down the hall. (O’Haire and Stasiak were unavailable, so you get the red headed stepchild of the group in Mark Jindrak.)

Segment Rating: 51%

 

Burger Buster Break for a Bombastic Battle

Ahmed Johnson vs Julio Dinero:

Ahmed Johnson strikes Julio Dinero. Dinero blocks a kick from Ahmed Johnson. Standing leg lariat by Julio Dinero on Ahmed. Ahmed reverses an irish whip...and Julio Dinero runs into the referee. Springboard dropkick from Julio Dinero. Nicely done. Cover, but there's no one to count for Julio Dinero. Ahmed Johnson ducks a clothesline attempt. Big forearm by Ahmed, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Powerslam from Ahmed Johnson on Dinero. Hooks the leg for a two count. Ahmed Johnson scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Ahmed walks into a trip. Super frankensteiner on Ahmed, who hit hard. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Ahmed pushes out of a Julio Dinero hold. Ahmed Johnson gets a roll-up...and grabs a handful of tights as well! The referee doesn't see it: 1....2...3!! Slap a DUD on it, move on.

(When did ref bumps for obese black men become mandatory practice? If I ever have a six man with all the Fat Boys, we’ll have to carry the ref out in a body bag. That Super Frakensteiner will have Dinero in traction for the next month. I’m surprised that Ahmed took that bump without breaking the fault lines and sending California into the ocean. Another finish involving a handful of tights, is a drunk Ric Flair booking? “Aush…shcrew it…jusht grab the tights…*hic*…geshts a pop everyshtime…*vomit*”)

Winner: Ahmed Johnson

Overall Rating: 44%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 45%

 

The Webb of Deceit is Pulled Ever Tighter Singles Match (dig that crazy play on words)

Palumbo vs Webb:

Stiff chop lights up Webb. Webb elbows Palumbo in the face to break a hammerlock. Palumbo receives some punishment. Webb whips Palumbo into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Webb scores with a standing spinebuster. Cover, but there's no one to count for Webb. Palumbo pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Rude Awakening on Webb by Palumbo. Palumbo hits a stump piledriver on Webb. Cover for a two count. Brutal powerbomb on Webb. Pin, but Webb is out just before the three count. Webb kicks Palumbo in the gut to reverse the momentum. Spear by Webb. Pin, but Palumbo is out just before the three count. Palumbo counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Webb can barely stand. One More Thing!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Mark Jindrak comes running down the aisle with a chair, and gets into the ring! Jindrak hits Palumbo with a chair to the back! Palumbo goes down to the canvas, hurt. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(And we never get to see the Shit Hole Slam either. We do get to see our second ref bump of the night. So, white trash and blacks get the ref bumps. That is just so un-pc. Notice nothing happens during the ref bump either. I should start throwing miscellaneous chair shots or something in there to cover. The Jindrak vs. Palumbo storyline will be gone into more in depth on Wet Dream. If I figure out what it is myself and Palumbo isn’t stolen from me by Jake Roberts by that time. Freakin’ crack head!)

Winner: Palumbo

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 57%

Match Quality: 61%

 

Segment Rating: 47%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 172 “steek mangs”

 

Come Wet Dream: Gonad Whacking! Tennis Racket Sodomizing! Palumbo's senseless heel turn! D'oh! Did I say Palumbo's senseless heel turn, I meant Palumbo's senseless heel turn! D'oh!

[Guest the 1inch punch]

I got it,

 

Turn Paulmbo, rename him

 

"Charles Paulmbo", and rename his finisher the "Charles in Charge"

[Guest chirs3]

There is no sodomy with the Gonad Whacker. It is used for whacking gonads, not for plugging the escape hole. That's what tennis rackets are for.

Yea, but I figure a change of pace is good every now and then. I mean, all three of XPW's tennis rackets have gotta be pretty worn out by now.

[Guest RevEvil]

If Sgt. Slaughter is available, you should bring him in to manage a tag team. They would be his privates.

[Guest KingOfOldSchool]

I demand an immediate change from tennis rackets to baseball bats or golf clubs. Hell, find out where Barry Darsow is, sign him and give him the 'Hole In One' golfer gimmick again. Have him be the sodomizer. It works on so many levels.

 

"Turn Paulmbo, rename him

 

"Charles Paulmbo", and rename his finisher the "Charles in Charge"

 

That's gold.