EWR Diary for XPW

[Guest chirs3]

Triple H and Scott Steiner could give these guys pointers on how to work a match.

 

*cleans Dr. Pepper off screen*

 

Die.

 

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Wednesday Wet Dream should be up by the end of the day. For now it is time to announce the winner of the Name Webb's Powerbomb Reader's Contest! Drum roll please! (Yes, I expect all of you to beat on your desk tops now...DO IT!)

 

The winner is Shooter Jay with The Shithole Slam! This one made me chuckle every time I read it and I think I can really play it into Webb's character. He's not just white trash, he's disgusting white trash. I pm'ed Jay and hopefully he will soon pick a new wrestler to add to my roster to be debuted at Redemption.

 

Other finalists included:

The Food Drive

The God I Suck Bomb

The Webb Jack

The Wife Beater

 

Finishing dead last was Pourquoi. The guy is white trash, not French, what were you thinking MVS?

 

Thank you to everyone who reads the diary and sent in ideas. A new readers contest will be posted after Redemption, which should be around this coming Wednesday.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for May 21st 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

We start off with footage of what happened after Monday Nightmare went off the air and everybody ran to the back. The entire FlockNest is killing the Enterprise until Terry Funk runs in from the commentator’s table with a flaming branding iron and a cookie sheet. He’s Terry Funk, he always carries a flaming branding iron and a cookie sheet, standard operating procedure. Funk is kicking everybody’s ass until Lady Victoria distracts him with a retirement check. This allows Johnny Smith to toss T’Pol over his shoulder and head for the hills. Literally, as we shall soon see.

Segment Rating: 59%

 

We go taped live to the Sandman and GQ Money in the back. Terry Funk walks in with a ransom note. The FlockNest will return T’Pol if Terry Funk hands over his World Title to Johnny Smith. If not, Coat Rack Steven Richards is going to marry her and use her power of attorney to disband the Enterprise forever. Who gave T’Pol power of attorney? Funk and Sandman look at GQ. “Hey man, she promised to suck my dick.” Oh, ok, they can understand that. Anyway, there’s a postmark on the letter from Mexico (not the brightest kidnappers are they), so they’re going to go down there and get her. For extra back up, Terry has enlisted the help of Mexico’s Most Wanted, Halloween and Damien 666. Whoa, Terry didn’t say anything about going to Mexico. We’re Mexico’s Most Wanted here, we’re wanted in Mexico, we can’t go down there. GQ Money looks at the letter. Man, this isn’t from Mexico; it’s from New Mexico. Old Mexico, New Mexico, what’s the difference, in Terry’s day there was only one damn Mexico. Screw it, let’s go save T’Pol.

Segment Rating: 86%

 

Because I Have to Have Four Matches on the Show Match

Kaos vs Alter Boy Matthew:

Kick from Kaos to the leg. Kaos hits a dropkick on Alter Boy Matthew. There's a two count on the pin. Alter Boy Matthew pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Matthew hits a dropkick on Kaos. Matthew hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Kaos takes a flying neckbreaker from Alter Boy Matthew. Matthew walks into a trip. Super kick by Kaos. Kaos floors Alter Boy Matthew...and climbs the turnbuckles. Kaostrify!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Alter Boy Matthew extends his hand to Kaos...but it is ignored! I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(Post match, Kaos retrieves the Gonad Whacker from ringside and busts Matthew from behind. Stupid trusting, pious Catholic. Kaos proceeds to whack him some gonads.)

Winner: Kaos

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 41%

Match Quality: 74%

 

Tag Team Filler Match for Post Match Shenanigans Only

New Panthers vs Politically Incorrect:

Jihad gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Jihad backdrops The Miserly Jew out of a piledriver attempt. Salid Jihad strikes The Miserly Jew. Tag between Salid Jihad and Raphael Muhammed. MJ takes a vertical suplex. MJ takes a vertical suplex. The Miserly Jew ducks a clothesline attempt. Big kick from MJ. Tag to The Drunk Irishman. Muhammed hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. The Drunk Irishman strikes Raphael Muhammed. Raphael Muhammed powers out of a The Drunk Irishman headlock. The Drunk Irishman takes a right hand to the temple from Muhammed. Muhammed tags out to Salid Jihad. Flapjack from Jihad on Irishman. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Weak bodyslam on Irishman by Jihad. Salid Jihad floors Irishman near the ropes and makes the pin. Jihad is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! DUD.

(Nothing to see here. Just a standard XPW abortion of bad wrestling. Keep a moving. Next segment. Keep it moving.)

Winner: New Panthers

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 25%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Walking to the showers post match, the New Panthers run abreast (and I mean man-boobs here) of Ahmed Johnson. He knows that they were the ones who tripped him up during his tag match last week and have been trying to start trouble between he and Chetti. They’re only doing it for his own good. Can’t he see that Chetti is getting preferential treatment over him? All the title matches, all the cheers (or, cheer as it was) from the fans (or, fan as it was). He’s being discriminated against. Oh, because he’s black is that it? No, because he’s fat. XPW owner Rob Black makes porno movies and porno producers love black guys, because they have big dicks. But they don’t hire fat people, except for Ron Jeremy, but he’s like the Marlon Brando of porn. Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti then comes in and tells the New Panthers to hit the road. He and Ahmed are partners and are going to stay that way. So, they better be ready to face them this Sunday at REDEMPTION! Chetti throws Ahemd a raw mackerel from a kettle of fish, which he catches in his mouth and barks like a seal. Good Ahmed, let’s go play with a beach ball.

Segment Rating: 37%

 

Honky Tonk Orton and Webb are in the back to talk trash on Danny Doring and Julio Dinero to setup there coming tag team match. Webb is going to give Doring just a taste of what he will face this Sunday at REDEMPTION! Webb is going to hit him with the SHITHOLE SLAM right…right…right in the shit hole. No…he’s got to rethink how to get that over. Orton blames Dinero for costing him the Television Title last week and he’s going to get redemption this Sunday at REDEMPTION! He’s worked it out with Major Gunns (don’t ask what he had to do specifically, but the “shit hole slam” could probably describe that as well) and the winner of their match at REDEMPTION! will be declared the number one contender for all XPW titles. Webb just wants to let Orton know how great it is to be teaming with him. He’s always been a huge fan of Roy Orbison. Roy Orbison?!

Segment Rating: 56%

 

Singles Match of Hideous Facial Scarring Bone Breaking Death for the XPW Deathmatch Title

Perry Saturn vs Evan Karagias:

Saturn hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Karagias receives some punishment. Second rope flying axe handle, Karagias goes down. Big backdrop on Karagias, executed well. Karagias counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Karagias hits a dropkick on Perry Saturn. 'Hit' may be an exaggeration, as it barely touched. Evan Karagias hits a crap missile dropkick on Saturn. Hooks the leg for a two count. Saturn blocks a kick from Evan Karagias. Lightning kick by Saturn on Karagias. Hooks the leg for a two count. Brutal powerbomb on Karagias. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Karagias kicks Perry Saturn in the gut to reverse the momentum. Karagias hits an arm drag on Saturn. Saturn counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Running knee lift from Perry Saturn. Perry Saturn floors Evan Karagias. Evan Karagias gets locked in the Rings Of Saturn! Submission victory! Kaos comes running down the aisle with the Gonad Whacker, and gets into the ring! Kaos hits Saturn with it in the back of the head! Perry Saturn goes down to the canvas, hurt. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(Kaos gloats in the ring, but Saturn has a head like a Samoan and surprises Kaos from behind. He floors Kaos and steals the gonad whacker. Kaos rolls to the floor and wants his ball bat back. Well, he can redeem it this Sunday at REDEMPTION! Told you I was going to have to cram everything into one show. I do feel like I’m booking RAW now.)

Winner: Perry Saturn

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 48%

Match Quality: 71%

 

We cut to “New Mexico” (re: a Comcast back lot with cardboard scenery like an original Star Trek episode) where Lady Victoria is all giddy over planning the wedding of T’Pol and Coat Rack Steven Richards. The flowers, the decorations, the food, the druids with torches. You know how women get about stuff like this. Silly sluts, it’s not like it’s a football game or a steak barbecue or something really important like that. Johnny Smith comes in. He’s just registered on the Internet to be a preacher for the Universal Life Church, so he’s good to conduct the ceremony. T’Pol is being prepped, but she seems to be going through Pon’Farr. She’s ready to bang anything going and a lubed up coat rack is starting to look pretty good to her. “Hey lady, where you want this Fudge Ma’hal?” Toss a tarp over it, so Ahmed Johnson won’t smell it and crash the reception.

Segment Rating: 64%

 

Julio Dinero and Danny Doring are prepared for the standard Democratic rebuttal. Dinero is all about having a Universal Number One Contenders Match. Maybe after that they can have a Paramount Number One Contenders Match or a Dreamworks SKG Number One Contenders Match? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Doring tells him to shut up and hum some Eddie Money because that is so unfunny. Doring has a few choice words for Webb. No funky named powerbomb is going to take him out. He’ll take that Shithole Slam and…and…and slam it in his shit hole. Man, we’ve got to figure out how to talk about that move without sounding like complete pervs.

Segment Rating: 59%

 

White Trash Icons vs. Double D Tag Team Match

Orton \ Webb vs Dinero \ Doring:

Running knee lift from Webb. Spear by Webb. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Honky Tonk Orton. Orton \ Webb hook up Doring, then hit a double suplex. Flying shoulder tackle by Orton sends Doring to the mat. There's a two count on the pin. Honky Tonk Orton fires off some right and left hands. Doring backdrops Honky Tonk Orton out of a piledriver attempt. Danny Doring brings out a jumping powerbomb to nearly kill Orton. Tag between Danny Doring and Julio Dinero. Orton takes a flying neckbreaker from Julio Dinero. Dinero crushes Orton with a big legdrop. Orton blocks a punch. Tag between Honky Tonk Orton and Webb. Full nelson slam on Dinero. Death valley driver by Webb, Julio Dinero got planted. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Webb hits a right hand. Dinero counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Flying reverse elbow by Julio Dinero. Webb climbs to the top rope, ready to leap at Dinero. Honky Tonk Orton bounces off the ropes for an elbow drop without seeing his partner, and crotches Webb by accident. Webb is in trouble. Here it comes - Super Kick. 1....2...3, it's finished. I don't think the fight has finished. Orton \ Webb and Dinero \ Doring have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(This match actually gave me a great idea. I should have Julio Dinero and Honky Tonk Orton feud over who’s better, Elvis Presley or Eddie Money! Man, I am on way too much fucking drugs, but then again so were Elvis and Eddie.)

Winner: Dinero and Doring

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Match Quality: 61%

 

We cut back to “New Mexico” where T’Pol is walking down the aisle to the Vulcan Wedding March, aka Hot Girls in Love by Loverboy. Lady Victoria is the Maid of Honor. Supreme gives T’Pol away (“Supreme see little princess marry. Supreme cry.”). The FlockNest Monster is the best man. American Wild Child mans the guest book (“This job sucks, everybody just wrote ‘Druid #1’ ‘Druid #2’ and so on.”). Druids with torches serve as the guests. Coat Rack Steven Richards appears a little nervous, but he is sporting wood. Johnny Smith starts into the vows and just like a good episode of “All My Children” as soon he hits “If there is anyone here who sees just cause for this woman and this coat rack to not be bound in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your pe…” “STOP THE WEDDING!” The Enterprise rush in and kick themselves some druid asses. It’s a pier 37 brawl until Terry Funk reaches the alter and confronts Johnny Smith. If he wants one last shot at the XPW World Title, fine. He can have it this Sunday at REDEMPTION! However, let it be clear that he’s tired of dealing with his punk ass and it’s going to be a loser leaves town match! And, if Smith loses, why doesn’t he take that stinking Coat Rack Steven Richards with him. That’s fine with Smith, but let’s also make it an I Quit match! We all know how well Terry Funk does in those. Then Terry is all like “bring it, beyotch” and Smith is all like “it’s already been broughten” and druids are flying everywhere and Lady Victoria calls to see if she can return the Fudge Ma’hal and Supreme keeps crying and Mexico’s Most Wanted is all like “we hooked up with these guys?” and T’Pol is rubbing provocatively up against Coat Rack Steven Richards, but he’s an old fashioned coat rack and he’s not going to do anything kinky out of wedlock.

Segment Rating: 57%

 

Show Rating: 57%

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 156 druids who were cut out of the wedding ceremony. What are we, the Corporate Ministry here? I don’t need that many damn druids.

 

Here’s the Card for XPW REDEMPTION! I should have it posted this coming Wednesday night.

 

LOSER GETS FIRED MATCH

Evan Kargias vs. El Mosca De La Merced

-I need to free some roster space and these bozos look the best place to trim some fat. Although, I’ll probably just wind up firing both of them anyway.

 

TAG TEAM GRUDGE MATCH OF GRUDGERY

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti & Ahmed Johnson vs. the New Panthers

 

READER’S CONTEST WINNER DEBUT MATCH

GQ Money vs. ???

-Props to Shooter Jay for giving a bevy of names to choose from and the best one (re: the cheapest guy who would talk to me) debuts here.

 

LADDER MATCH FOR THE XPW TAG TEAM TITLES

Mexico’s Most Wanted vs. The FlockNest All-Stars

-Yes, the MMW are official members of the Enterprise now. I needed more red shirts.

 

UNIVERSAL NUMBER ONE CONTENDERS MATCH

Honky Tonk Orton vs. Julio Dinero

-Winner is declared the Number One Contender for all XPW titles

 

WHATEVER STATE WE’RE IN DEATH MATCH FOR THE XPW DEATHMATCH TITLE

Perry Saturn vs. Kaos

-Winner also lays exclusive rights to the famed Gonad Whacker baseball bat

 

NOTHING SPECIAL TELEVISION TITLE MATCH

Danny Doring vs. Webb

 

INFERNO MATCH OF FIERY INFERNONESS

The Sandman vs. Supreme

 

LOSER LEAVES TOWN I QUIT MATCH FOR THE XPW WORLD TITLE

Terry Funk vs. Johnny Smith

-If Smith loses, he takes Coat Rack Steven Richards with him.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

You can't fire El Mosca de la Merced, look at his his name for GOD SAKE

 

Team him with Adnon El Big Kahuna

[Guest Suicide King]

Sweet Lord Frost. This just ain't right.

[Guest Lightning Flik]

Sweet Lord Frost. This just ain't right.

heh, that makes two.

 

although, i wouldn't mind him continuing this on.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Redemption for May 25th 2003

Live from the Druid Temple in “New Mexico”

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Please welcome special guest celebrity ring announcer, New York Mets center fielder Tsuyoshi Shitjo. That’s Shinjo, not Shitjo. Yeah, whatever, Shitjo shut up and take it like a man. Shitjo gets sodomized with a tennis racket and goes off screaming for Mike Piazza to kiss it and make it better. There go his chances at making the Hall of Fame. Not because he was sodomized, but because he bet me in the back we wouldn’t do it. Betting is evil.

 

Loser Gets Fired, Everybody’s Still Getting Seated Opening Singles Match

El Mosca De La Merced vs Evan Karagias:

Karagias snapmares El Mosca De La Merced. Kick from Evan Karagias to the leg. Kick from Evan Karagias to the leg. Cover for a two count. Evan Karagias arm drags Mosca over. Hooks the leg for a two count. El Mosca De La Merced pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Stiff high kick on Karagias by El Mosca De La Merced who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Cover for a two count. Super frankensteiner on Karagias, who hit hard. Karagias counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Slingshot clothesline by Karagias, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. El Mosca De La Merced gets knocked to the ground by Karagias, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Flying Press!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. DUD

(Sorry to disappoint 1 inch punch, but Karagias is more valuable to me. Merced also has a knack for no-selling when he’s not being put over. As more of a blow, I already fired Adnon El Big Kahuna, although he’ll be one of the first guys I hire back when I have the roster space. Maybe Kahuna and Merced can tag team flipping burgers at the Karl Jr.’s.)

Winner: Evan Karagias

Overall Rating: 41%

Crowd Reaction: 35%

Match Quality: 47%

 

Tag Team Grudge Match of Grudgery

Ahmed \ Chetti vs New Panthers:

Second rope flying axe handle, Jihad goes down. Flying reverse elbow by Chris Chetti. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between Chris Chetti and Ahmed Johnson. Ahmed \ Chetti whip Jihad into the corner. Ahmed Johnson whips Chris Chetti in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Ahmed Johnson strikes Salid Jihad. Cover for a two count. Jihad takes a weak kick. Ahmed drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Side suplex from Jihad. Jihad tags out to Raphael Muhammed. Running clothesline from Raphael Muhammed, sloppily done. Muhammed hits a stump piledriver on Ahmed Johnson, although it was quite weak in its execution. Muhammed only gets knees on a splash. Ahmed tags out to Chris Chetti. Super frankensteiner on Muhammed, who hit hard. Back heel kick off the second rope, Muhammed goes down. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Chetti hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Muhammed reverses a waistlock. Muhammed hits a stump piledriver on Chris Chetti, although it was quite weak in its execution. Chris Chetti scores with a quick small package on Muhammed...but Ahmed Johnson comes in, turns the pin over so that Raphael Muhammed is on top, then slides out again! Cover gets three. Raphael Muhammed pinned Chetti. New Panthers hold Chris Chetti up, allowing Ahmed to trash talk right into his face! Chetti tries to attack...but gets brutally beaten down to the canvas in a three-on-one attack. New Panthers leave the ring as Ahmed Johnson stands above the fallen Chris Chetti. Rating: 1\2 star.

(Post match, Ahmed and the Panthers celebrate by eating fried chicken and watermelon. I’m not being racist; they just like fried chicken and watermelon. Can’t people eat fried chicken and watermelon without it seeming racist? You all know that Ahmed likes anything edible, hell he enjoys trying to make inedible things edible. Ahmed is digging the heel turn. Chetti, not so much. He’s at 12% morale and wants to be released. Sophie said that Chetti was sluggish and sloppy in the match because of it, but I thought he was just trying to follow Ahmed’s lead. So, it’s either let Chetti go or put him over the entire roster. Eh, let’s put him over the entire roster first and see what happens.)

Winner: New Panthers

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Reader’s Contest Debut Match

GQ Money vs Bilvis Wesley:

Uninspiring brawling from Bilvis Wesley. Bilvis Wesley DDTs GQ, poorly executed. There's a two count on the pin. Bilvis Wesley misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. GQ suplexes Bilvis to the canvas. GQ hits a spinning back kick. Cover for a two count. Sloppy tornado punch from GQ Money, Bilvis barely got hit. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. GQ hits a spinning back kick. Bilvis Wesley fights out of a grapple. Powerslam from Bilvis Wesley on GQ. Cover for a two count. Face-first suplex from Bilvis, but not done well. Pin, but GQ is out just before the three count. GQ Money walks into a suplex from Bilvis Wesley. Sluggish brawling from Bilvis. GQ counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Bilvis takes a chop from GQ. Face-first suplex from GQ, but not done very well. GQ Money has Bilvis Wesley down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Money Shot, forget about it. 1....2...3! GQ Money offers a handshake to Bilvis...and he accepts it! No! Bilvis Wesley levels GQ with a cheap shot right hand! Bilvis Wesley hits the Gracelander! GQ Money has been floored after the match. Yuck. DUD.

(Shooter Jay gave me several names of people he thought would fit the fed. Out of about a dozen names, only five would talk to me and Bilvis was willing to work for free porn and the occasional Big ‘n Tasty burger off the McDonald’s Dollar menu. Which are neither big nor tasty, discuss amongst yourselves.)

Winner: GQ Money

Overall Rating: 43%

Crowd Reaction: 31%

Match Quality: 55%

 

For the Millionth Time Tag Team Ladder Match for the XPW Tag Team Titles

Mexico's Most Wanted vs FN All Stars:

Kick from Halloween to the leg. Weak bodyslam on Wild Child by Damien. Halloween dives off the middle of the ladder with a clothesline. Wild Child drops out the back of a Damien 666 bodyslam attempt. Wild Child hits a spinning back kick. FN All Stars whip Halloween into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Super frankensteiner on Damien, who hit hard. Ladder assisted standing moonsault, Damien gets floored. American Wild Child gets taken down out of nowhere. Back heel kick from Damien on Nesty. Halloween floors American Wild Child. Pumpkin Patch!!! American Wild Child goes limp! FlockNest Monster gets knocked to the ground by Damien, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - Moonsault hit hard. Halloween and Damien 666 set the ladder up and climb it, grabbing the prize for the victory. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(A ladder match and we have one ladder spot and one attempt to climb the ladder. Damn, I thought I sent those guys copies of the Wrestlemania X ladder match, but I see the tapes got screwed up and they wound up with Undertaker vs. Jeff Hardy instead. It would explain the crappy match and also while Wildchild is running around covered in grease paint high on PCP with dirty hankies in his back pocket.)

Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 45%

Match Quality: 74%

 

Universal Number One Contenders Match

Julio Dinero vs Honky Tonk Orton:

Orton hits a right hand. Stiff chop lights up Dinero. Fallaway slam by Honky Tonk Orton. Big backdrop on Dinero, executed well. Julio Dinero pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Flying elbow from Julio Dinero. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. There's a two count on the pin. Orton ducks a wild right hand. Orton hits a stump piledriver on Julio Dinero. Hooks the leg for a two count. Lifting DDT by Honky Tonk Orton, looked good. Pin, but Dinero is out just before the three count. Dinero blocks the suplex attempt. Kick from Julio Dinero to the leg. Julio Dinero misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Back elbow connects, Dinero staggers backward. Bilvis Wesley comes running down the aisle with a chair! Orton goes to irish whip Julio Dinero into the ropes. Bilvis hits Dinero with a chair to the back! Honky Tonk Orton moves in for the kill. Shake, Rattle and Orton! 1....2....3. Orton and Bilvis are putting the boots to Julio Dinero! GQ Money comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending Memphis Mafia running for cover. GQ Money saved Dinero from a major beating. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(This ends the feud and Orton is the number one contender for all titles. Lord knows I won’t be able to book this angle logically. The main reason Jay suggested Bilvis was because he would make a good running buddy for Honky Tonk Orton. An Elvis impersonator needs his entourage. Although Orton is more of a Wayne Ferris impersonator, but let’s not split hairs. I smell a Memphis Mafia vs. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise match tomorrow night on Monday Nightmare. Elvis Presley vs. Eddie Money! SMELL THE RATINGS!)

Winner: Honky Tonk Orton

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 62%

Match Quality: 65%

 

New Mexico Deathmatch for the XPW Deathmatch Title and the Gonad Whacker

Perry Saturn vs Kaos:

Dropkick connects, Kaos goes down. Kaos eats a trash can. Fallaway slam by Perry Saturn. Perry Saturn with a spinning neckbreaker on Kaos. Kaos drops out the back of a Perry Saturn bodyslam attempt. Kaos dropkicks Saturn after leaping off an upturned shopping cart. Super frankensteiner on Saturn, who hit hard. Cover gets three. Kaos pinned Saturn. The referee counts: 2....3...4....but Saturn stands up. Perry Saturn fights out of a grapple. Saturn crushes Kaos with a running senton. Pin, three count, it's over. Perry Saturn pins Kaos. The referee is counting: 5....6....Kaos is back up. Lifting DDT by Perry Saturn, looked good. Cover gets three. Perry Saturn pinned Kaos. The referee is counting: 7....8....Kaos is back up. Kaos ducks a wild right hand. Standing leg lariat by Kaos on Saturn. Saturn kicks Kaos in the gut to reverse the momentum. Perry Saturn hits a rolling kick on Kaos. Kaos gets knocked to the ground by Saturn. Kaos gets locked in the Rings Of Saturn! Submission victory! The referee counts to 10, this match is over! Kaos goes nuts, attacking the referee! DDT! The referee is out! Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(Saturn not only retains his belt, but also lays claim to the Gonad Whacker. Perry has it fitted for a wig and a skirt, but it’s no moppy. Don’t worry I would not do that to the fabled Gonad Whacker. The worst I would do to the holiest of holies would be to cram it into Major Gunns’ holiest of holies.)

Winner: Perry Saturn

Overall Rating: 66%

Crowd Reaction: 59%

Match Quality: 73%

 

Not that Exciting Singles Match for the XPW Television Title

Danny Doring vs Webb:

Doring takes a headbutt from Webb. Danny Doring elbows Webb in the face to break a hammerlock. Danny Doring fires off some right and left hands. Danny Doring misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Danny Doring scores with a standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Webb counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Fallaway slam by Webb. Spinebuster by Webb. There's a two count on the pin. Spear! Doring is down and hurt. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Webb only gets knees on a splash. Massive backbreaker, Webb got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Webb takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Webb gets whipped into the corner. Doring charges in, but into a pair of raised boots. Webb uses a roll up, with feet on the second rope! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! The fight has started up again! Danny Doring attacks Webb, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(Sophie suggest her usual “why not let a guy win a few by cheating” feud strategy. I let Webb win by cheating, and now she’s all “I don’t think Webb is ready for such a title, you should put it back on Doring.” Somebody is using the HHH method of keeping his spot. Also, I believe that every single mach Doring and Webb have had involved a ref bump. More HHH influence. I’m going to hell in a hand basket. Wait, I run the XPW, I’m already there.)

Winner: Webb

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 65%

 

Hell Fire and Brimstone Inferno Match of Fiery Infernoness

The Sandman vs Supreme:

Supreme hits Sandman. Supreme holds Sandman near the flames. The Sandman takes a right hand to the temple from Supreme. Sandman gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. The Sandman elbows Supreme in the face to break a hammerlock. The Sandman throws Supreme toward the flames, but Supreme is able to put the brakes on in time. The Sandman hits a bulldog off the ropes. Supreme kicks The Sandman in the gut to reverse the momentum. Weak bodyslam by Supreme. Sloppy tornado punch from Supreme, Sandman barely got hit. Sandman pushes out of a Supreme hold. The Sandman strikes Supreme. Supreme elbows The Sandman in the face to break a hammerlock. Supreme strikes The Sandman. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Sandman turns...and falls for the distraction! Supreme attacks Sandman from behind! The Sandman is in trouble. Supreme Choke Slam! 1....2....3. Lady Victoria remains in the ring. The Sandman pushes the referee away, then spins Lady around! The Sandman hits the DDT! Lady Victoria has been floored after the match. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(An inferno match and no one gets set on fire? Lady Victoria climbs to the apron, through flames? I’ve seen all the Aqua Net she puts in her big eighties hair, no way that bitch is inflammable. The production crew informs me that we couldn’t get the clearance for a fire so we just set up a bunch of screens with that tape of the soothing fireplace playing. It’s wrestling, use your freakin’ imagination!)

Winner: Supreme

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 71%

Match Quality: 41%

 

I Quit Loser Leaves Town Match for the XPW World Title

Johnny Smith vs Terry Funk:

Funker strikes away at Johnny Smith. Johnny Smith takes a right hand to the temple from Funker. Big kick from Funker. Johnny ducks a wild right hand. Funker gets rocked with a brutal elbow to the jaw by Johnny. Johnny Smith misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Terry Funk DDTs Johnny, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Terry Funk scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Johnny Smith avoids a Terry Funk avalanche. Back suplex on Funker, which is a backdrop to you NOAH fans. Funker kicks Johnny Smith in the gut to reverse the momentum. Terry Funk hits a right hand on Johnny Smith. Funker floors Johnny Smith and locks in a STF! The referee asks Johnny....and we have a submission! The match is over. Johnny Smith extends his hand to Funker...and it is accepted! They shake! **1\2 rating. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(That has to be the shortest I Quit match on record. Terry Funk was going to call up Ric Flair and scream “I WON AN I QUIT MATCH! HA! FACE!” but the phone didn’t have a rotary dial and he couldn’t figure out how to use it. I couldn’t do a damn thing to get Smith over and his contract was running out anyway, so I decided to let him go. We’re the XPW: fuck challenges; give us easy heat. This also means that Coat Rack Steven Richards is kicked out of XPW too. Does that mean the return of the real Steven Richards or did some two bit crappy fed dangle an extra 12 bucks under his nose a month and steal him out from under me when he was at his lowest morale on the disabled list? I guess you’ll just have to wait and find out. I am evil.)

Winner: Terry Funk

Overall Rating: 69%

Crowd Reaction: 65%

Match Quality: 73%

 

Show Rating: 60%

Attendance: 723 New Mexican druids who enjoy sodomization of Asian baseball players. Didn’t think there would be so many did you?

 

For Monday Nightmare: Is this the end of the FlockNest? Will Steven Richards make his return? Or will someone new take the rings of power? Will Karagias really hold onto his job? Will the Memphis Mafia triumph over 2 Tickets 2 Paradise again or will they go over just like Ronnie said? Will Chris Chetti go over some loser or being stolen from me before I finish typing this? For the answer to these questions and more tune in same XPW time, same XPW channel tomorrow. Or maybe the day after, or next week, or maybe a half hour from now, who knows.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Just for the record Frost, will you list your entire roster, as it stands now

[Guest chirs3]

Frost, what the hell are you doing?! That PPV was almost all "Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling"! Give us a card full of Scaffold matches on Monday, to balance this out. We can't have XPW trumping Raw, now can we?

 

*marks out like a bitch for Honky Tonk Orton being Universal Number One Contendor*

[Guest the 1inch punch]

agrees with Chris, although is still pissed off about El Mosca de la Merced being shitcanned

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for May 26th 2003

Live from the side of the road as we broke down on the way back from “New Mexico”

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

 

Bunch of Losers who Need Something to do Battle Royale

10 Men who I don’t feel like listing:

Spinning back kick from Alter Boy Luke. FlockNest Monster got bundled out by Luke. (Elimination # 1) Irishman strikes away at Raphael Muhammed. Irishman threw Raphael Muhammed over the top rope. (Elimination # 2) Dropkick connects, Jihad goes down. Matthew tried to get Salid Jihad over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Bodyslam by Doring. Alter Boy Matthew was eliminated by Doring. (Elimination # 3) Weak bodyslam on Jihad by Irishman. Salid Jihad got bundled out by Irishman. (Elimination # 4) American Wild Child uses a running dropkick into the corner. Wild Child tried to eliminate Danny Doring, who hung onto the top rope. Big backdrop on MJ, executed well. Doring threw The Miserly Jew over the top rope. (Elimination # 5) American Wild Child arm drags Irishman over. The Drunk Irishman was eliminated by Wild Child. (Elimination # 6) Kaos takes a knee lift from Wild Child. Wild Child went for the elimination, but Kaos held on to the ropes. Doring bodyslams Alter Boy Luke. Alter Boy Luke got eliminated by Doring. (Elimination # 7) Kaos takes a kick to the chest, and staggers back. Wild Child went for the elimination, but Kaos held on to the ropes. Wild Child takes a headbutt from Danny Doring. American Wild Child was eliminated by Doring. (Elimination # 8) Lightning kick by Kaos on Doring. DDT from the top rope by Kaos. That looked brutal. Danny Doring powers out of a Kaos headlock. Kaos got eliminated by Doring. I don't rate battle royals.

(I don’t have anything funny to say about battle royals. This was just to get Danny Doring over and use guys who didn’t factor into Redemption, but of course I have a small roster so I had to throw guys like Kaos in there. I’d have a royal rumble, but I have 30 people total and it would mean letting Major Gunns wrestle and we have to be very careful of not busting her implants.)

Winner: Danny Doring

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 35%

Match Quality: 50%

 

The Memphis Mafia (Orton and Wesley) meet up with 2 Tickets 2 Paradise (Money and Dinero) backstage. Dinero is pissed at Wesley causing him a loss last night and there will be no peace in our time. That’s too much, there’s no reason for Dinero to be all shook up. Oh, we’re shakin’, we’re shakin’? Baby, hold on to each other, because the four of them are going to rock ‘n and roll this place later tonight. Then why don’t we have a little less conversation and a lot more action? There’s no beating us tonight, we’re going to walk on water. Really, I say you’re going to be left crying in the chapel. Karaoke duel at high noon!

Segment Rating: 49%

 

Let’s Put Chetti Over the Guy who Might Not have a Job Next Week Anyway Singles Match

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Evan Karagias:

Spinning back kick from Chris Chetti. Spin kick by Chris Chetti to the face. Cover for a two count. Evan Karagias reverses a hip toss. Flying elbow from Evan Karagias, barely hitting the target. Kick from Evan Karagias to the leg. Evan Karagias arm drags Chetti over. Chetti powers out of a headlock. Lightning kick by Chetti on Karagias. Evan Karagias can barely stand. Chetti-Plex!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Ahmed Johnson comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Chetti turns around...straight into a Pearl River Plunge!! Chris Chetti has been left down on the canvas. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(Chetti was still sluggish, but not sloppy this time. His morale is up to 18%, but I’m switching the Honky Tonk Orton suicide watch over to him. I’ve naturally got him feuding with Ahmed Johnson now, but both guys would rather be sodomized with a tennis racket. That can naturally be arranged.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 49%

Match Quality: 64%

 

My Musical God has a Bigger Dick Than Your Musical God Tag Team Match

Memphis Mafia vs 2 Tickets 2 Paradise:

GQ Money uses an armbreaker to take Bilvis down. Badly executed second rope splash by GQ. Cover for a two count. GQ tags out to Julio Dinero. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise whip Bilvis into the corner. Julio Dinero whips GQ Money in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Hard back suplex on Bilvis. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Cover for a two count. Standing leg lariat by Julio Dinero on Bilvis. Bilvis reverses a waistlock. Side suplex from Bilvis. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Bilvis. Tag to Honky Tonk Orton. Running knee lift from Honky Tonk Orton. Spear by Honky Tonk Orton. Julio Dinero avoids a Honky Tonk Orton avalanche. Dinero tags out to GQ Money. GQ Money hits a crap missile dropkick on Orton. GQ Money with an enziguri, although the late Owen Hart's version was far superior. Pin, but Orton is out just before the three count. Honky Tonk Orton walks into a chop to the pecs. Orton pushes out of a GQ Money hold. Massive backbreaker, GQ got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. Bilvis runs in while the referee is distracted by Julio Diner. Here it comes…In the Ghetto-Blaster! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! I don't think the fight has finished. Memphis Mafia and 2 Tickets 2 Paradise have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. This one gets * rating and likes it.

(For those who remember Bad News Brown, In the Ghetto-Blaster is a double enzuiguiri. I’ve got to say that is one of the best finisher names I’ve ever came up with right next to the Shooting Star of David Press and the Type Name Here. I think King and Flik are right, this stuff just ain’t right.)

Winner: Memphis Mafia

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 58%

 

A cute chick in a bellhop’s outfit approaches Terry Funk at the commentator’s table. She blows on a pitch pipe and sings, “I am your singing telegram/I’m here to let you know old man/that the FlockNest is not dead/Johnny and the Coat Rack might be gone, but they have a new head/He’s going to bust you in the nose/And break all your toes/He’ll take your title, he’ll destroy life/He’ll poke out your eyes with a butter knife/He’s coooooooooming for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!” Terry bashes her in the head with a cookie sheet as a tip. Ah hell, Chewbacca!

Segment Rating: 76%

 

Show Rating: 58%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 172 AAA tow truck drivers

 

New Reader’s Poll: I was looking to see what the big end of the month show for June was and it’s XPW Armageddon. How this is different from WWE Armageddon, I don’t know. I also don’t like having Armageddon right after Redemption, it seems like a cheat to all the guys trying real hard to redeem themselves to pull the rug out from under them with the end of the world. So, I want you guys to come up with a new name for my month end show. Anything you’d like, toss out names. The winner this time will either be allowed to choose anyone in the game for me hire OR create their own original character and I’ll hire some guy on the cheap and turn him into that character. I’ll even promise to put him over in at least three matches before I job him out for life in an attempt to get over. Just post names here in the thread and we’ll let it go for at least a week to see what we get.

 

I’ll post a complete roster here soon, I’ve got a few guys to debut in the next couple of shows and then I’ll do it.

 

As for the amout of perfectly acceptable wrestling, I think I can kill that in the coming weeks as wel.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Deacon, your new event name shall be...

 

XPW Climax.

[Guest Sandman9000]

XPW Multiple Orgasm

[Guest netslob]

call it "Wrestle-a-Go-Go".

[Guest Will Scarlet]

A cute chick in a bellhop’s outfit approaches Terry Funk at the commentator’s table. She blows on a pitch pipe and sings, “I am your singing telegram/I’m here to let you know old man/that the FlockNest is not dead/Johnny and the Coat Rack might be gone, but they have a new head/He’s going to bust you in the nose/And break all your toes/He’ll take your title, he’ll destroy life/He’ll poke out your eyes with a butter knife/He’s coooooooooming for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!” Terry bashes her in the head with a cookie sheet as a tip. Ah hell, Chewbacca!

 

Quality as usual.

 

As for the PPV name:

 

XPW Eruption

XPW Ejaculation

XPW Penis-a-Go-Go

[Guest HollywoodSpikeJenkins]

XPW Money Shot

[Guest Angel_Grace_Blue]

XPW Sodomy

XPW Cock-Joust

XPW Big Commotion in Pants

XPW WhoreFest 03 (To be changed each year)

XPW PPV in June

XPW Viva Las Orton (Hey, Rock has Smackdown, can't Honkey have VLO?)

XPW Hugs Not Drugs

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Death By Association

 

Because, lets face it, anyone who works for XPW will have their nuts cut off

[Guest chirs3]

If the storylines call for it, I'd vote for "Viva Las Orton" myself. Like Rock Bottom, only not.

 

Hey... XPW Rock Bottom... book some nekkid-womenses and scaffold matches... this could work...

 

If Funk is headlining, how about XPW Geezers Gone Wild?

[Guest RevEvil]

If the company actually made any money, then it could be called, "From your wallet to ours".

 

Xpw Big Bukkake Bash

Xpw Austin will be here! (and have someone else with the name Austin show up)

XpW free blowjobs!

Xpw no one cares

XpW Great Anti-American Bash (cheap heat)

Not another XPW show

[Guest Sandman9000]

XPW American Gay Bash

[Guest Angel_Grace_Blue]

In honor of all the sad, low-morale workers with XPW, how about...

 

XPW Suicide Watch

 

 

Oh, and WhoreFrost, even if I don't win, I declare that you sign a cheap guy and name him Big Jim Slade, for all that is good and just.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Clue = ratings.

 

XPW BUTT Vandal Blowout is my choice.

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

XPW: The Night The BUTT-Puzler Lived. If that's too long, simply XPW: The BUTT-Puzzler Lives.

[Guest Sandman9000]

XPW: Assburglars

XPW: Rear Mount Position

XPW: Thar She Blows! (everyone)

[Guest chirs3]

If you want the sodomy theme without hitting people over the head with it, how's about XPW Violation?

[Guest Sandman9000]

It's XPW, they have to hit people over the head with it.

 

XPW: Anal Violation

 

or

 

XPW: EXTREME ANAL VIOLATION~!

[Guest RevEvil]

XPW obscene sexual reference

XPW incest and peppermints (sixties theme)

XPW Homos of wrestling

XPW Good friends, better enemas

[Guest RevEvil]

XpW Your mom

XPW tighter than a 5-year old's asshole

XPW Wrestling With Enemas {get it?!}

XPW Over the Edge

XPW Fully loaded...with jizz!

XPW It's time... for assrape!

[Guest Sandman9000]

XPW: Sunday Sodomy