EWR Diary for XPW

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Bunch of Losers who Need Something to do Battle Royale

10 Men who I don’t feel like listing:

Spinning back kick from Alter Boy Luke. FlockNest Monster got bundled out by Luke. (Elimination # 1) Irishman strikes away at Raphael Muhammed. Irishman threw Raphael Muhammed over the top rope. (Elimination # 2) Dropkick connects, Jihad goes down. Matthew tried to get Salid Jihad over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Bodyslam by Doring. Alter Boy Matthew was eliminated by Doring. (Elimination # 3) Weak bodyslam on Jihad by Irishman. Salid Jihad got bundled out by Irishman. (Elimination # 4) American Wild Child uses a running dropkick into the corner. Wild Child tried to eliminate Danny Doring, who hung onto the top rope. Big backdrop on MJ, executed well. Doring threw The Miserly Jew over the top rope. (Elimination # 5) American Wild Child arm drags Irishman over. The Drunk Irishman was eliminated by Wild Child. (Elimination # 6) Kaos takes a knee lift from Wild Child. Wild Child went for the elimination, but Kaos held on to the ropes. Doring bodyslams Alter Boy Luke. Alter Boy Luke got eliminated by Doring. (Elimination # 7) Kaos takes a kick to the chest, and staggers back. Wild Child went for the elimination, but Kaos held on to the ropes. Wild Child takes a headbutt from Danny Doring. American Wild Child was eliminated by Doring. (Elimination # 8) Lightning kick by Kaos on Doring. DDT from the top rope by Kaos. That looked brutal. Danny Doring powers out of a Kaos headlock. Kaos got eliminated by Doring. I don't rate battle royals.

(I don’t have anything funny to say about battle royals. This was just to get Danny Doring over and use guys who didn’t factor into Redemption, but of course I have a small roster so I had to throw guys like Kaos in there. I’d have a royal rumble, but I have 30 people total and it would mean letting Major Gunns wrestle and we have to be very careful of not busting her implants.)

Point Number 1

-You should push this "Gravity" Guy

 

-Do A Royal Rumble, Just for the hell of it

 

PPV Name?

 

XPW Better than Backyard Wrestling

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for May 28th 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Major Gunns hears a knock at her office door. “Occupado.” No, it’s Lady Victoria and she doesn’t want to use the toilet, well maybe later, but right now she would like to remind Gunns that according to Terry Funk’s challenge Supreme still has tonight to cash in on his World Title shot. So ring up the register bitch. Johnny Smith and Coat Rack Steven Richards might be gone, but a new benefactor has contacted her and the Flock-Nest is really going to get into gear, starting tonight. Supreme supremes in behind Lady Victoria muttering “Supreme, supreme, supreme, Supreme in women’s bathroom. Supreme feel weird.” Honky Tonk Orton uses his super Orton powers to sense what’s going on and comes in behind Supreme to remind Gunns that he is the ~Universal Number One Contender~ complete with tilde bangs. However, it was never said that he would get to pick what order he went after the belts in, so why doesn’t he face Perry Saturn in a cage match for the XPW Deathmatch Title tonight while Supreme goes against Funk. Man, there’s a lot of people jammed into such a small bathroom stall, let’s get out of here before it turns into a weird ass porno and we all owe Rob Black $19.95.

Segment Rating: 57%

 

Opening Singles Match that Actually Makes Sense with Past Booking

Julio Dinero vs Bilvis Wesley : Flying reverse elbow by Julio Dinero. Bilvis Wesley is in trouble. Here it comes - Super Kick. 1....2...3, it's finished. Julio Dinero offers a handshake to Bilvis...and he accepts it! No! Bilvis Wesley levels Dinero with a cheap shot right hand! Bilvis Wesley hits the Gracelander! Julio Dinero has been floored after the match. Slap a DUD on it, move on.

(I never said I was going to put Bilvis over, Jay. He’s a great little jobbing toadie though and fits right in with the XPW what with getting killed in under a minute and producing duds like he was on an assembly line. Post match, Dinero puts a pair of headphones on Bilvis and blasts “Baby, Hold on to Me” in his ears. He screams in pain until blood seeps out of his ears. Damn you, Eddie Money.)

Winner: Julio Dinero

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 57%

 

Lady Victoria returns to the Flock-Nest locker room to chastise the FlockNest Monster and American Wild Child. For being the Flock-Nest All-Stars they haven’t exactly been putting in stellar performances against Mexico’s Most Wanted. The Flock-Nest’s new benefactor will not stand for this and has brought in a pair of tag team specialists to finally wrestle the tag belts away from the satanic Mexicans. They’ll be coming in tonight on the late train. The late train? Yeah, the MIDNIGHT EXPRESS! Or maybe it’s the ROCK ‘N ROLL EXPRESS! Possibly even the ORIENT EXPRESS! It’s hard to remember which.

Segment Rating: 61%

 

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Salid Jihad : Super kick by Chris Chetti. Salid Jihad can barely stand. Chetti-Plex! 1....2....3. Ahmed Johnson comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Chetti turns around...straight into a Pearl River Plunge!! Chris Chetti has been left down on the canvas. Yuck. DUD.

(Déjà vu, it’s the same damn thing as the opening match. Chetti is now up to 23% morale and rising. Rob Black keeps telling me that blowjobs are the way go and Lizzie Borden just came back from rehab. Lord knows she isn’t good for anything else.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 45%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 63%

 

Perry Saturn is in the back with the Gonad Whacker in hand. He’s primarily been using it to crush walnuts. That sorta, kinda falls into the realm of gonad whacking, but not so much. Honky Tonk Orton proved that he was not man enough to hold onto the Deathmatch Title when Saturn took it from him last month (Oh my God, we just brought up a past match for historical context. What is becoming of us?) and Kaos isn’t man enough to take it from him either. He’s already claimed Kaos’ Gonad Whacker and soon he will claim his gonads. Don’t ask what he’s going to do with them though.

Segment Rating: 52%

 

The Express Pulls into the Station Match for the XPW Tag Team Titles

Mexico's Most Wanted vs Alter Boys:

Second rope flying axe handle, Damien goes down. Lightning kick by Matthew on Damien. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Alter Boy Luke. Alter Boys whip Damien into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Alter Boy Luke hits a rolling kick on Damien. There's a two count on the pin. Spinning back kick from Alter Boy Luke. Luke drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Damien 666 with an enziguri. Tag to Halloween. Luke walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Halloween hits a crap missile dropkick on Luke. Alter Boy Luke pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Tag between Alter Boy Luke and Alter Boy Matthew. Super frankensteiner on Halloween, who hit hard. Tornado DDT from Alter Boy Matthew, Halloween got planted. Pin, but Halloween is out just before the three count. Halloween walks into a high dropkick from Alter Boy Matthew. Halloween ducks a wild right hand. Badly executed second rope splash by Halloween. As Damien and Matthew get into a brawl on the outside, Villano IV comes running down into the ring! Vil IV has a chair, and drops Halloween and Matthew with devastating blows, causing the referee to call for the bell. This match has been ruled a no contest! We have three sets of grapplers in the ring, as Mexico's Most Wanted, Alter Boys and Villanos look at each other. Before the inevitable brawl erupts, a host of referees hit the ring to keep them apart. Rating: 1\2 star.

(Yes, bask in the brilliance that are the Villanos. Doesn’t it make you feel better that Merced and Adnon got fired for these guys? The tag team division is going to heat up now, we’re running on VILLANO POWER!)

Winner: The Awesomeness of the Villanos

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 42%

Match Quality: 65%

 

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti runs in out of nowhere and rams a ladder into Ahmed Johnson. He beats him down with it as Ahmed tries to block the blows and reason with him. “Hey man, hey…why are you beating me with a ladder? We don’t have a title belt between us to have a ladder match for!” Oh, yeah, sorry. Chetti wanders off to find a more reasonable weapon. Ahmed eats the ladder.

Segment Rating: 42%

 

XPW Television Title Rematch of the Rematch of the Rematch of the Rematch of the…

Danny Doring vs Webb:

Bodyslam by Webb. Massive backbreaker, Doring got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. There's a two count on the pin. Webb misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Webb receives some punishment. Rude Awakening on Webb by Doring. Cover for a two count. Doring hits a great swinging DDT on Webb. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Gut buster, Webb hits hard. Webb blocks the suplex attempt. Full nelson slam on Doring. Hooks the leg for a two count. Brutal powerbomb on Doring. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Big clothesline on Doring. Stiff chop lights up Doring. Danny Doring elbows Webb in the face to break a hammerlock. Running knee lift from Danny Doring. Death valley driver by Danny Doring, Webb got planted. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Danny Doring knocks Webb to the outside, then signals for the Wham Bam. He reaches out of the ring for Webb...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee looks up to see Webb sliding in and making the pinfall. The referee calls for the bell though! He's disqualifying Webb, he must have seen the ring bell shot! The match is over. Danny Doring is still in the ring celebrating. Webb pushes the referee away, then spins Doring around! Webb hits the Shithole Slam! Danny Doring has been floored after the match. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(The XPW Television Title has lost image! You should give this title to Ahmed Johnson and let him take it down into his black hole of suck! Letting Doring win by dq seemed like a good idea at the time, but I’m sure Crystal Pepsi did too.)

Winner: Webb by bad booking

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 62%

Match Quality: 65%

 

Terry Funk is getting ready for his match in the back by rubbing himself down with embalming fluid. He’s got to keep himself well preserved at this state. A window pane is rolled in on wheels in front of Funk. A brick is then thrown through the window with a note tied to it. Funk pulls out his bifocals and reads “I am stalking you! You will fall before me! I am stalking you! (repeated for the dense in the audience).” Funk wails for the man to come out and show himself. In his day a guy would just show up with a branding iron and a plastic bag and piledrive a dude through a table. Oh, Funk think he’s mentioned that before. Fuck it.

Segment Rating: 74%

 

Cage Match of Horrible Scarring Unfathomable Death for the XPW Deathmatch Title

Perry Saturn vs Honky Tonk Orton:

Honky Tonk Orton launches Saturn into the cage wall. Orton hits a stump piledriver on Perry Saturn. Saturn pushes out of a Honky Tonk Orton hold. Saturn slams Honky Tonk Orton. Flying elbow from Perry Saturn. Perry Saturn drives Orton into the cage side. Perry Saturn with a spinning neckbreaker on Orton. Perry Saturn climbs the cage, but gets pulled down by Orton! Orton counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Full nelson slam on Saturn. Death valley driver by Honky Tonk Orton, Perry Saturn is down and hurt. Big backdrop on Saturn, executed well. Honky Tonk Orton drives Saturn into the cage side. Saturn powers out of a headlock. Hard back suplex on Orton. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Death valley driver by Perry Saturn, Honky Tonk Orton is down and hurt. Kaos runs down to ringside and throws a chair over the top to Orton...but Saturn catches it instead! Chair shot takes Honky Tonk Orton down and out! Saturn escapes the cage for the win. Orton and Kaos beat away on Perry Saturn, leaving him spread-eagled on the canvas. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(No one should ever lie around spread-eagle in the XPW. Bad things will happen to you. Kaos tries to steal the Gonad Whacker back, but touching it sets off an alarm and he’s attacked by a gang of vicious dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you.)

Winner: Perry Saturn

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 68%

 

Supreme supremes down to the ring for the World Title match. Terry Funk’s music hits (“Get the Funk out of My Face” by the Brothers Johnson) and he appears from behind the backstage curtain. Suddenly, all the lights go out (easy since their rigged to a clapper). Odd sounds are heard, “BEAT, BEAT, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK, BEAT, BEAT!” CLAP ON! Terry Funk lies beaten and bloody in the aisle. Paramedics (still homeless drunks, but we could afford to bathe them this time) rush out to tend to him. Lady Victoria comes out with the Flock-Nest All-Stars. They are holding a giant neon sign reading “THIS WAS DONE BY THE NEW LEADER OF THE FLOCK-NEST WHO IS STALKING TERRY FUNK!” Over…what?…turn the damn sign over! Oh, “HE IS JUCTISE! HE IS RULE!” You idiots misspelled justice. D’oh!

Segment Rating: 72%

 

Show Rating: 56%

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 178 coma patients who went deeper into their comas due to the suckitude of the show.

 

For everybody who said my fed was getting too good, this show royally sucked and should make you all happy. Look at all the duds, bad booking and main event swerves. Coming Monday Nightmare: More duds, more bad booking and more main event swerves.

My thanks to everyone who has contributed ppv show names up to this point. A lot of them are really funny and it’s going to be a hard time choosing one. Keep them rolling in. A full roster will be posted after the next show when I have one last wrestler to debut for the time being. Also, creating a guy named “Big Jim Slade” is under advisement. I will have a Rumble at some point, probably in about another two months of game time when I should be able to beef my roster up by another five or six guys.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

I feel somwe what better that a team like Los Villanos are in Frost

[Guest netslob]

Kaos tries to steal the Gonad Whacker back, but touching it sets off an alarm and he’s attacked by a gang of vicious dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you.

 

lol. this shit keeps getting better and better...

[Guest Lightning Flik]

For everybody who said my fed was getting too good, this show royally sucked and should make you all happy.

Sure, it sucked Frost.

 

But it is the kind of suckitude that makes it downright goodness.

[Guest Sandman9000]

XPW: The Circle-Jerk of Life

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for June 1st 2003

Live from an old cannery in Monterey

Hosts: Joey Styles and the FlockNest Monster

 

Joey Styles is all alone at the announce table, just like the old days. Screw the old days, you’re in XPW now nerdlinger. The FlockNest Monster’s music hits (actually he doesn’t have any music, so Lady Victoria just hums “Best of My Love” by the Emotions). Since Terry Funk is going to be out indefinitely due to the injuries he suffered on Wet Dream, the FlockNest Monster has been pegged to replace him as the color man on Nightmare. Could the Flock-Nest’s new leader have something to do with this? Well, duh.

 

Pray to Your God, Because You Don’t Have a Hope in Hell Tag Team Match

Los Villanos vs Alter Boys:

Spin kick by Alter Boy Matthew to the face. Villano IV fights out of a grapple. Flying elbow from Villano IV, barely hitting the target. Tag to Villano V. Dropkick from Vil V. Eric Bischoff would probably call that a 'high double drop calf kick'. But it's a dropkick to everyone else. Villano V attacks with some poorly executed flying moves. Matthew blocks a punch. Vil V takes a flying neckbreaker from Alter Boy Matthew. Matthew tags out to Alter Boy Luke. Luke hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Driven DDT by Alter Boy Luke. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Vil V counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Villano V attacks with some poorly executed flying moves. Tag to Villano IV. Vil IV face jams Alter Boy Luke. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Vil IV hits a dropkick on Alter Boy Luke. 'Hit' may be an exaggeration, as it barely touched. Villano IV misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Alter Boy Luke knocks Vil IV to the outside, then signals for the Twisting Swanton Bomb. He reaches out of the ring for Villano IV...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee wakes up to see Vil IV sliding in and making the pinfall: 1....2....3! Forget about it. Villanos rush forward to attack! Alter Boys get caught by surprise and brutally beaten down to the canvas. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(Post match, the Villanos quiz the Alter Boys, “Where’s your messiah? Where’s your messiah now, see?” Then the Villanos remember that they don’t talk and slink off into the night to spread their brilliance anew.)

Winner: Los Villanos

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 31%

Match Quality: 63%

 

Major Gunns has decided that she cannot allow the Flock-Nest’s new secret benefactor to run roughshod over the XPW. Especially since we already did this storyline three months ago. She has hired a private detective to get to the bottom of things…enter PALUMBO! Chuck Palumbo walks in wearing a beat up trench coat, smoking a cigar and mumbling to himself. He even had his left eye ripped out and a glass one put in, that’s dedication to a gimmick. He’s going to begin his investigation by interviewing the bottom rung of the Flock-Nest ladder, American Wild Child. (Yes, I know this gimmick was in the Wrestlecrap mailbag last week. I actually had the idea to do it several weeks ago to have Palumbo investigate Al Wilson’s death for the WWE. All the great ideas are stolen from me, who do you think came up with Jennifer Lopez’s ass?)

Segment Rating: 59%

 

Debut Singles Match of the Greatest Legal Mind of Our Time! (Lord, help us all.)

Palumbo vs. American Wild Child

Piledriver on Wild Child. Death valley driver by Palumbo, American Wild Child got planted. Death valley driver by Palumbo, American Wild Child is down and hurt. Pin, but Wild Child is out just before the three count. Running knee lift from Palumbo. Cover for a two count. American Wild Child takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Palumbo takes a chop from Wild Child. Wild Child, channeling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on Palumbo. Palumbo takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Spear by Palumbo. American Wild Child is in trouble. One More Thing!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Palumbo goes to leave the ring, then suddenly remembers something and walks back up to Wild Child. “One more thing, who’s the new leader of the Flock-Nest?” “Eat a bag of dicks!” “Hmm….so his name is Dick, I must investigate further.”)

Winner: Palumbo

Overall Rating: 52%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Math Quality: 51%

 

With Terry Funk out until God knows when, Orton has to settle tonight for a XPW Television Title match. Webb thinks he’s white trash? Well, who’s eating deep fried pickles and driving around in a ’66 Cadillac with huge tail fins getting 2 miles to the gallon? Well, both he and Bilvis, but he was doing it first! Actually Wayne Ferris was doing it first and some guy named Elvis something or other before him, but he’s doing it now! Honky Tonk Orton is the king of white trash! “Oh, please somebody shoot me.”

Segment Rating: 57%

 

I Think He’s Learned his Lesson Singles Match for the XPW Television Title

Honky Tonk Orton vs Webb:

Webb takes a headbutt from Honky Tonk Orton. Webb avoids a Honky Tonk Orton avalanche. Webb hits a right hand. Orton reverses an irish whip...and Webb runs into the referee. Webb scores with a big spinebuster. Cover, but there's no one to count for Webb. Honky Tonk Orton ducks a clothesline attempt. Flying shoulder tackle by Orton sends Webb to the mat. Spinebuster by Honky Tonk Orton. There's a two count on the pin. Powerbomb on Webb. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Webb kicks Honky Tonk Orton in the gut to reverse the momentum. Spinebuster by Webb. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Webb only gets knees on a splash. Webb is in trouble. Shake, Rattle and Orton!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Danny Doring has a chair. Orton turns and takes a brutal shot to the head. Webb is next to take a hard shot. Doring has demolished everyone! I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Where the hell did Doring come from? No, “he’s running down the aisle,” no “look who’s coming over the guardrail from the crowd,” just “Danny Doring has a chair.” I get this picture of him moving furniture for Major Gunns and Orton accidentally steps into his way. Orton is singles champ once again, everyone rejoice.)

Winner and new champion: Honky Tonk Orton

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 36%

Match Quality: 66%

 

Show Rating: 52%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 179 old cans in Monterey

 

 

Current XPW Roster:

Ahmed Johnson

Alter Boy Luke

Alter Boy Matthew

American Wild Child

Bilvis Wesley

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Danny Doring

Damien 666

Evan Karagias

FlockNest Monster

Halloween

GQ Money

Honky Tonk Orton- Television Champion

Julio Dinero

Kaos

Lady Victoria

Lizzy Borden- Rob Black’s main bitch. She’s unsackable and useless. Straight zeroes across the board aside from 19 overness. Maybe she sucked 19 dicks in the parking lot, I don’t know. She’s been in rehab since about a week after I started the game and just came back the day before this show. If anyone knows how I can dump her, let me know.

Major Gunns

Palumbo

Perry Saturn-Deathmatch Champion

Salid Jihad

Raphael Muhammed

Supreme

Terry Funk-World Champion

The Drunk Irishman

The Miserly Jew

The Sandman

T’Pol

Villano IV

Villano V

Webb

 

Tag Teams:

Mexico’s Most Wanted (Damien & Halloween)-Tag Team Champions

Los Villanos (I’m guessing the Villanos)

Politically Incorrect (Irishman & Jew)

The New Panthers (Jahid & Muhammed)

The Alter Boys (Luke & Matthew)

2 Tickets 2 Paradise (Dinero & Money)

Memphis Mafia (Wesley & Orton)

Flock-Nest All-Stars (Monster & Wild Child)

[Guest the 1inch punch]

I presume you left out the new Leader of the FlockNest

 

How long is Funk out for?

Itd be a great excuse to strip him of the belt, and do a royal rumble for it

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Funk's not really injured, that's just the storyline I'm doing. I could work a Royal Rumble into things, I'll have to see how the next couple weeks of ideas I've got going pan out first.

 

And who's to say the new FlockNest leader isn't already someone on the roster? Or maybe I did leave him off? Or maybe I'm just booking like Ole Anderson and haven't hired a guy for the role yet? The options are mind boggling.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Indeed Frost, Indeed

[Guest RevEvil]

XPW Pornstarrcade

xpw Ass Funker

xpw Holed out

xpw Beware of Dogfuckers

xpw Shithole Slamboree

[Guest HollywoodSpikeJenkins]

Lizzy Borden- Rob Black’s main bitch. She’s unsackable and useless. Straight zeroes across the board aside from 19 overness. Maybe she sucked 19 dicks in the parking lot, I don’t know. She’s been in rehab since about a week after I started the game and just came back the day before this show. If anyone knows how I can dump her, let me know.

Use her somehow!

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Well, she needs agood sodomizing for a start

 

I dunno, make Gunns a manager again (For Big Jim Slade) and make Lizzy the Commish

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for June 4th 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

The Parade of Awesome Continues Tag Team Match

Villanos 25 or 6 to 4 vs Politically Incorrect:

The Drunk Irishman with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Vil V. Irishman walks into a trip. Vil V hits an arm drag on Irishman. Tag to Villano IV. Vil IV hits a spinning back kick. Vil IV hits an arm drag on Irishman. Vil IV drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Running clothesline from The Drunk Irishman, sloppily done. Tag between The Drunk Irishman and The Miserly Jew. Vil IV receives some unexciting punishment. Gut buster, Vil IV hits hard. Villano IV avoids a The Miserly Jew avalanche. Vil IV hits a spinning back kick. Tag between Villano IV and Villano V. Flying knee to the face from Villano V. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. The Miserly Jew gets hip tossed by Vil V. The Miserly Jew can barely stand. Here it comes - Super Kick. 1....2...3, it's finished. Villanos rush forward to attack! Politically Incorrect get caught by surprise and brutally beaten down to the canvas. DUD, and a poor DUD at that.

(How dare Scott Keith give a DUD to the Villanos. They are the Villanos for crying out loud! I send the Villanos to his house and they dangle him upside down from a tenth story window until he relents and give this match *****. From now on all Villano matches will be given *****, so there. LAS VIVA LOS VILLANOS!)

Winners: Los Villanos

Overall Rating: 36%

Crowd Reaction: 30%

Match Quality: 53%

 

The Sandman is back from the burn ward again (we’ll just PRETEND that he got set on fire in that inferno match from Redemption). He and T’Pol realize that this is no time to let the FlockNest regroup and even with Terry Funk out, they have to press their advantage. So tonight they challenge Lady Victoria and Supreme to a handicapped tag match. Handicap? Like Supreme doesn’t have a mental deficiency. The six television sets that had us tuned in go to find some porn. So, really it’s a win-win situation as far as Rob Black is concerned.

Segment Rating: 77%

 

The Parade of Suck Continues Singles Match

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Salid Jihad:

Chetti crushes Jihad with a running senton. Salid Jihad is in trouble. Chetti-Plex! 1....2....3. Chris Chetti slides to the outside and grabs a chair, then climbs back into the ring. Jihad turns around...and gets planted with a huge chair shot to the head! He is left down and out on the canvas. Yuck. DUD.

(Chetti is hovering around 22% morale. Thing is, his morale goes down on days we don’t even have a show. How can I put him over if we’re not wrestling? I need to call HHH and get some tips. Ahmed has one word to cheer Chetti up: pork.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 45%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 63%

 

Palumbo puts his facts in order thus far. From what Wild Child told him on Monday Nightmare, we know the new Flock-Nest leader is named Dick. He brought in the Villanos, so he must be able to speak Spanish, since they don’t know English. He was also able to turn off the lights last Wednesday in order to attack Terry Funk and since the lights are on a Clapper, he must have hands or possibly even be really nimble with his feet like a chimpanzee. So, we’re looking for a Spanish speaking chimpanzee named Dick. Shouldn’t be too hard to find. Next, Palumbo will question the FlockNest Monster!

Segment Rating: 57%

 

Continuing Investigation Singles Match

Palumbo vs FlockNest Monster:

FlockNest Monster scores with a back heel kick on Palumbo. FlockNest Monster misses a clothesline. Massive backbreaker, Nesty got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. Death valley driver by Palumbo, FlockNest Monster got planted. Palumbo moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Jungle Kick. 1....2...3, it's finished. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Palumbo goes to leave the ring, remembers something and walks back to the downed FlockNest Monster. “One more thing, who’s the new leader of the Flock-Nest?” “Yo, mama!” Damn, now Palumbo is all kinds of confused.)

Winner: Palumbo

Overall Rating: 53%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 69%

 

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti pounces on Ahmed Johnson in the back and tries to light a fireball in his face. “What are you doing man?” “I’m going to set you on fire.” “Dude, Sandman and Supreme did that gimmick last month. I know we’re in the XPW, but we can’t go repeating stuff like that already.” “But, we’ve already recycled the ‘who is the mysterious leader of the Flock-Nest’ angle.” “Dude.” “Dude!” Dude!!” “Dude…” Chetti shambles off mumbling. Ahmed uses the fireball to barbecue the leftover ladder fragments from Monday. Mmm…crispy.

Segment Rating: 49%

 

Eh, Let’s Have These Guys Fight Singles Match

GQ Money vs Webb:

GQ gets slammed. Webb hits some punches. Running knee lift from Webb. Running knee lift from Webb. Webb misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. GQ hits an arm drag on Webb. GQ Money hits a shaky delayed suplex on Webb. Hooks the leg for a two count. Webb fights out of a grapple. Spinebuster by Webb. There's a two count on the pin. Death valley driver by Webb, GQ Money is down and hurt. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. GQ Money avoids a Webb avalanche. GQ Money slams Webb down. Webb counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Webb with a spinning neckbreaker on GQ. Webb misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. GQ Money knocks Webb to the outside, then signals for the Money Shot. He reaches out of the ring for Webb...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee wakes up to see Webb sliding in and making the pinfall: 1....2....3! Forget about it. The fight has started up again! GQ Money attacks Webb, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(WWE booking at its finest. This guy hates this guy, this guy hates that guy, let’s have them fight and try not put either one over while they attempt to hang on tooth and nail to the miniscule heat they already possess. I’d make some joke about the white trash guy beating up on the urban black, but it’s been brought to my attention that GQ Money is not the black guy I thought he was. His name is GQ Money, that’s like the name of somebody in Bobby Brown’s entourage. I am such a silly goy.)

Winner: Webb

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 66%

 

Lady Victoria and Supreme accept the match with Sandman and T’Pol. Well, Lady Victoria accepts while Supreme just mutters “Supreme, supreme, supreme, Supreme play with fire.” No, no fire, this is a straight tag team match. Nothing fancy, no crazy bumps and nobody gets their clothes ripped off. CLICK!

Segment Rating: 50%

 

The Circle of Life Keeps Spinning Singles Match for the XPW Television Title

Honky Tonk Orton vs Danny Doring:

Danny Doring snap suplexes Orton...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Doring hits a stump piledriver on Honky Tonk Orton. Hooks the leg for a two count. Orton counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Orton hits a right hand. Back elbow connects, Doring staggers backward. Cover for a two count. Spear! Doring is down and hurt. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Big clothesline on Doring. Doring counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Spinebuster by Danny Doring. Cover for a two count. Death valley driver by Danny Doring, Honky Tonk Orton got planted. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Danny Doring snap suplexes Orton...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Stiff chop lights up Orton. Orton counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Fallaway slam by Honky Tonk Orton. Powerbomb on Doring. Webb comes running down the aisle with a chair! Orton whips Danny Doring into the ropes. Webb jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Webb, Doring, and the chair! Danny Doring staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Orton and Webb are putting the boots to Danny Doring! GQ Money comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending Orton \ Webb running for cover. GQ Money saved Doring from a major beating. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(Notice this smooth progression of feuding. Orton takes out one half of 2 Tickets 2 Paradise and then gets into it with GQ Money. I’d have Dinero feud with Bilvis, but he’s “not on his level.” Then again, the Gambler feels the same way. Is he even in the game? I should go cruising around to see if I could pick up some mid-nineties WCW jobbers. Who wouldn’t want to see Dusty Wolfe vs. Jumping Joey Maggs on a weekly basis?)

Winner: Honky Tonk Orton

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 63%

Match Quality: 69%

 

T’Pol is preparing to walk out for her tag match when her cell phone rings. Actually, it’s more like an old rotary phone hanging on the wall we call a cell phone, because everyone in wrestling has to have a cell phone these days. She answers the phone and hears a shady voice “Do you like scary movies?” “Not really.” “Uh…westerns?” “No.” “War movies.” “Not so much.” “Musicals?” “Yeah, I like musicals.” “Then who was the killer in Sweeny Todd?” “I’ll have to go with Sweeny Todd on that one.” “Damn…what are you wearing?” “Oh, nothing special, just this skin tight velvety cat suit…” “Yeah…” “that really hugs my shapely hips” “Oh, yeah…” “and supple breasts…” “Yeah, yeah…” “tightly wrapping my firm bu…excuse me, are you jacking off?” “Ye…no, no, no!” “That is disgusting.” T’Pol hangs up. That was the mystery Flock-Nest leader by the way. Gives you hope on how good this is going to be doesn’t it, since he’s jacking off to lewd phone calls.

Segment Rating: 85%

 

Main Event Tag Team Match Not Even Stephanie McMahon would Book

Supreme \ Lady vs Sandman \ T'Pol:

Chop by Lady on T'Pol. Big clothesline from Lady. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to Supreme. Supreme \ Lady hook up T'Pol, then hit a double suplex. T'Pol gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Cover for a two count. Weak headbutt on T'Pol by Supreme. T'Pol counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. T'Pol blasts Supreme with a rather-less-than-super kick. Tag to The Sandman. The Sandman strikes Supreme. Powerslam from The Sandman on Supreme. Supreme counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Supreme tags out to Lady Victoria. Flying elbow off the top rope by Lady Victoria, poor elevation though. Lady Victoria blasts Sandman with a rather-less-than-super kick. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Chop by Lady on Sandman. Sandman pushes out of a Lady Victoria hold. Messed up bodyslam by Sandman. Lady grabs The Sandman for Supreme, who swings...but Sandman ducks, and in a cruel twist of fate, the big punch floors Lady. Irony is such a cruel mistress. The Sandman moves in for the kill. DDT! 1....2....3. Villanos come running down the aisle with chairs! They slide in behind Sandman \ T'Pol...and drop them with stereo chair shots! Villanos leave the ring, the damage done. Rating: 1\2 star.

(Although Scott Keith would like to point out that the inclusion of the Villanos at the end elevates the overall match to **** ¼. SMACK! Ok, ok, **** ½, **** ½. With Lady Victoria laid out, the Villanos and Supreme just stand in the ring and shrug their shoulders since they don’t have anybody to talk for them. They attempt crude sign language and caveman like grunting until the production staff just pulls the plug on them. The car battery we use to run all the lights and cameras was about drained anyway. I told them to buy a Diehard.)

Winner: Enterprise

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 64%

Match Quality: 37%

 

Show Rating: 54%

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 180 guys trying to fight down boners from that obscene phone call

[Guest chirs3]

The phone call was the highest rated segment.

 

God bless XPW.

[Guest Will Scarlet]

That was a pretty high rated segment. Was that the highest rated segment in XPW history? Another funny show, BTW. As for Borden, I believe she is one of like 2 people in the game who will wrestle in Buck Naked matches. Otherwise, she is pretty useless.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Thanks for that tip on Lizzy, Will, I've sent a tape in to Playboy, so if we get a show on there she might be handy after all.

 

Yes, at 85% that is the highest rated segment in XPW history. Surpassing the 80% we got for Terry Funk yelling at T'Pol to show the crowd her tits. T'Pol is the most charismatic worker I have, being that she's a Vulcan and all.

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

I came up with a new PPV name, inspired by LooseCannon.

 

Hold it at the TNA Asylum and call it XPW: Come Piss All Over This Hell Hole. If that's too long, simply Piss On This Hell Hole will do.

[Guest Sandman9000]

I came up with a new PPV name, inspired by LooseCannon.

 

Hold it at the TNA Asylum and call it XPW: Come Piss All Over This Hell Hole. If that's too long, simply Piss On This Hell Hole will do.

Don't forget to spell it c-u-m. It is a porno-funded company, after all.

[Guest EMAXSAUN]

ShooterJay, you were actually correct a few pages back, White Trash Johnny Webb's finisher was actually called "the welfare check."

[Guest ShooterJay]

ShooterJay, you were actually correct a few pages back, White Trash Johnny Webb's finisher was actually called "the welfare check."

Yeah, I actually remember that, although I thought it was just a T-shirt he wore and not a finisher.

 

I've never seen an actual XPW show, just vid clips, but I read all the online reports and I'm somewhat familiar with the workers.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for June 9th 2003

Live from a hippie coffee shop in Berkley

Hosts: Joey Styles and the FlockNest Monster

 

Ok, ok I'll Put you Over, Stop Bitching Singles Match

Tazz's Cousin Chris Chetti vs The Drunk Irishman : Dropkick connects, Irishman goes down. Kick from Chris Chetti to the leg. Chris Chetti scores with a back heel kick on Irishman. Hooks the leg for a two count. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Cover for a two count. Irishman drops out the back of a Chris Chetti bodyslam attempt. The Drunk Irishman hits Chetti. Cover for a two count. Irishman hits a stump piledriver on Chris Chetti, although it was quite weak in its execution. Chetti pushes out of a The Drunk Irishman hold. Power drive elbow by Chris Chetti. The Drunk Irishman is in trouble. Chetti-Plex!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Ahmed Johnson has a chair. Chetti turns and takes a brutal shot to the head. Irishman is next to take a hard shot. Ahmed has demolished everyone! Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(Chetti picks up the win, but it is still pissed off. The Drunk Irishman tries to console him with a beer. He reminds Chetti that alcohol is the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems. You can tell that I’m really running out of things to say on these blurbs when I start randomly quoting the Simpsons.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 33%

Match Quality: 61%

 

It’s time for an investigation update from Palumbo. After questioning the FlockNest Monster on Wet Dream as to who the new leader of the FlockNest is, he responded with “yo, mama.” This is slang for “your mother,” but he obviously doesn’t mean that literally. So what other mothers are there. Well…nuns, like a mother superior. However we assume the mysterious leader is male since his name is Dick, so maybe he’s a bishop or a cardinal or something. I think we need to question one of the alter boys for their expertise on Catholicism.

Segment Rating: 75%

 

Cross Examination of Expert Witness Singles Match

Palumbo vs Alter Boy Matthew:

Palumbo hits a stump piledriver on Alter Boy Matthew. Massive lariat, apparently Palumbo has been watching The Best Of Stan Hansen again. Brutal powerbomb on Matthew. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Bodyslam by Palumbo. Cover for a two count. Matthew backdrops Palumbo out of a piledriver attempt. Palumbo takes a flying neckbreaker from Alter Boy Matthew. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Palumbo is down. Palumbo powers out of a Alter Boy Matthew headlock. Spear by Palumbo. Palumbo moves in for the kill. Here it comes - One More Thing. 1....2...3, it's finished. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(Post match, Palumbo goes to leave but remembers something and walks back up to Matthew. “What do you know about the FlockNest leader being a Spanish speaking Catholic bishop chimpanzee named Dick?” “Man, that’s crackers.” Hmm…crackers…)

Winner: Palumbo

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 68%

 

Supreme stalks through the back mumbling, “supreme, supreme, supreme, supreme, taco supreme, supreme, supreme, supreme, supreme” with his head down and doesn’t notice bumping into Danny Doring. “That’s it bitch, let’s fight.” They snarl at each other and lock a narrow eyed stare….and stare….staring…staring…staring…still staring…staring…got 30 more seconds of airtime to fill…staring…staring…ok, fa…no, still staring…stare…stare…stare…fade to break. I need new writers.

Segment Rating: 66%

 

Let’s Fight, Bitch Singles Match

Supreme vs Danny Doring:

Supreme hits a right hand on Danny Doring. Supreme strikes Danny Doring. Supreme hits a right hand on Danny Doring. Supreme slams Danny Doring down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Danny Doring fights out of a grapple. Big backdrop on Supreme, executed well. Doctor Bomb, Supreme landed hard. Cover for a two count. Supreme counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Big clothesline from Supreme. Cover for a two count. Side suplex from Supreme. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Doring counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Doring drives a forearm into the chest of Supreme. Doring only gets knees on a splash. Supreme strikes Danny Doring. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Doring turns...and falls for the distraction! Supreme attacks Doring from behind! Supreme moves in for the kill. Supreme Choke Slam! 1....2....3. Lady Victoria remains in the ring. Danny Doring pushes the referee away, then spins Lady around! Danny Doring hits the Wham Bam! Lady Victoria has been floored after the match. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(Wham Bam on the ma’am. Doring thought about raping Lady Victoria to be a good XPW employee, but she’s not a sheep. That could be making more fun of Amish Roadkill than Doring, but frankly I don’t care. Fuck it. Scooby Doo can doo-doo, but Jimmy Carter is smarter.)

Winner: Supreme

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 62%

Match Quality: 63%

 

Show Rating: 61%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 178 bohemian women with hairy armpits and no shoes…and no bras either. YEE-HAW!

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Is that it, i thought you hsad to have four matches

 

Oh yeah, isn't Chetti's finish called the Amityville Horror

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

When you have a graveyard shift show, which is what Nightmare is, you only have five segments total and only have to have two matches. I've done shows in the past that only had matches in the last two segments.

 

I changed Chetti's finishers to the Chetti-plex and the Chetti-mission to play off of his relation to Tazz.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Ah, It is all clearer now

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for June 11th 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

 

Shut up and Ride the Awesome Tag Team Match

Villanos 12 & 35 vs New Panthers:

Villano IV takes a right hand to the temple from Muhammed. Villano IV elbows Raphael Muhammed in the face to break a hammerlock. Vil IV hits a spinning back kick. Tag to Villano V. Dropkick from Vil V. Eric Bischoff would probably call that a 'high double drop calf kick'. But it's a dropkick to everyone else. Dropkick from Vil V. Eric Bischoff would probably call that a 'high double drop calf kick'. But it's a dropkick to everyone else. Vil V walks into a trip. Raphael Muhammed with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Vil V. Tag to Salid Jihad. Salid Jihad hits a right hand on Villano V. Salid Jihad with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Vil V. Salid Jihad gets taken down out of nowhere. Chop by Vil V on Jihad. Tag between Villano V and Villano IV. Diving headbutt from Vil IV, not much elevation. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Jihad walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Jihad scores with a forearm, sending Vil IV down into the corner. The referee pulls Salid Jihad away to get the break. Wait! Vil IV has pulled something out of his tights. Salid Jihad walks over...and gets floored by a punch! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the brass knuckles! Villanos rush forward to attack! New Panthers get caught by surprise and brutally beaten down to the canvas. Yuck…uh…***** though.

(So much for the Panthers great push after being paired with Ahmed Johnson. Ahmed’s not even returning their calls now. They’ve served their purpose. They even sent him a sheet cake that said “Happy Birthday” and still nothing. Given, it wasn’t Ahmed’s birthday, but for him everyday he can eat an entire sheet cake feels like his birthday.)

Winners: Villanos

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 25%

Match Quality: 59%

 

Post match, Lady Victoria have the Villanos in the back with interviewer Lizzy Borden. (This way I can use her without really using her and she’s around if I ever need her to get naked. Now, that’s a good woman.) Mexico’s Most Wanted are ducking her team and they demand a tag team title shot. Imagine the Villanos standing behind Victoria with their arms crossed and this “Ride of the Valkyries” knockoff playing with a deep voiced chant of “Villanos, Villanos, Villanos” over it. Villano V gained overness from this interview while Villanos IV did not. Villano IV is tired of being in his big brother’s shadow. Everyone’s always like “look at Villano V, look how strong Villano V is, look at what a handsome mask Villano V is wearing, look at all the women flocking to Villano V, he’s got pussy dripping out of his pockets.” Well, Villano IV is just as strong, Villano IV has just a handsome of a mask. Villano IV likes to paint clowns on velvet. I bet you didn’t know that. Villano IV likes sunsets and bubble baths, but you didn’t know that either. I am Villano IV and I am somebody! Look at me damn it!

Segment Rating: 61%

 

Stereotype Jobbing Mania Marches on Singles Match

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs The Miserly Jew:

Kick from Chris Chetti to the leg. MJ walks into a high dropkick from Chris Chetti. Chetti hits a dropkick on The Miserly Jew. Spin kick by Chris Chetti to the face. MJ kicks Chris Chetti in the gut to reverse the momentum. Chetti takes a chop from MJ. Brainbuster suplex by The Miserly Jew, who apparently is in the mood to bust some brains. Hooks the leg for a two count. Chetti blocks a punch. MJ takes a hurrancarana from Chris Chetti. There's a two count on the pin. Springboard dropkick from Chris Chetti. Nicely done. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. The Miserly Jew powers out of a Chris Chetti headlock. Chris Chetti takes a right hand to the temple from MJ. The Miserly Jew gets taken down out of nowhere. Flying elbow from Chris Chetti. The Miserly Jew is in trouble. Chetti-Plex! 1....2....3. Ahmed Johnson comes running down the aisle with a chair, and gets into the ring! Ahmed hits Chetti with a chair to the back! Chris Chetti goes down to the canvas, hurt. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

(Ahmed goes to attack the Miserly Jew, but he scares him off with a box of Matzo crackers. Dry, tasteless crackers! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ahmed dunks his head into a 40-gallon drum of pig lard in the back to soothe himself. The drum is part of his contract, what am I to do?)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 59%

 

Terry Funk is on taped live remote from his hospital bed. Funk is more than ready to return to the ring, but his doctors won’t let him. He’s got punctured this and dislocated that, hell he doesn’t understand all this doctor mumbo jumbo. In his day you just rubbed a little dirt in it and kept going. Wrap it in duct tape if possible, but he was too poor to afford duct tape. He had goose tape and it was bright orange and he wrapped his body in it before he went deer hunting, because he was too poor to afford a hunting jacket. Hell, he didn’t even have a gun, he wrestled the deer down with his bare hands and punched it to death and that’s just what he’s going to do to the new FlockNest leader and Supreme when he returns. Didn’t think I could wrap that tangent back around to relate to storylines did you?

Segment Rating: 84%

 

I’ll Give you a Ticket to Paradise, Punk Ass Bitch Match

Ahmed Johnson vs Julio Dinero:

Dropkick connects, Ahmed goes down. Julio Dinero strikes Ahmed. Second rope flying axe handle, Ahmed goes down. Driven DDT by Julio Dinero. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Julio Dinero misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Ahmed Johnson hits a weak elbow on Julio Dinero. Ahmed Johnson hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Ahmed walks into a trip. Super frankensteiner on Ahmed, who hit hard. Hooks the leg for a two count. Power drive elbow by Julio Dinero. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Ahmed Johnson takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Ahmed Johnson punches away at Julio Dinero. Julio Dinero reverses a hip toss. Driven DDT by Julio Dinero. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Chris Chetti comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Ahmed Johnson turns around.... Chetti-Plex!!! That shook the ring. Chetti leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Dinero defeats Ahmed. Ahmed Johnson goes nuts, attacking the referee! DDT! The referee is out! Slap a DUD on it, move on.

(Note how Dinero is bumping his ass off with cool ass moves, while Ahmed just throws weak punches and elbows. The virtual intelligence of this game really astounds me at times. Chetti and Dinero make their escape from the enraged Johnson behind celery stalks.)

Winner: Julio Dinero

Overall Rating: 44%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 45%

 

Palumbo investigation update time. I know it’s the highlight of my week. He’s with Lizzy Borden in the back. After deducing that the mysterious FlockNest benefactor was a Spanish speaking archbishop chimpanzee named Dick, Alter Boy Matthew told him that that notion was “crackers.” Hmm…crackers. Well, the most popular brand of crackers on the market right now are Ritz, made by Nabisco. RJR Nabisco! RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company! That’s right, like all evil the FlockNest is being funded by big tobacco! He’s called those snotty brats from the Truth Commission and their on their way down here right now with their cheap curtains hiding bums and wind up baby dolls. That’s all you need to drive big tobacco to its knee, together we… Ok…hold on, Lizzy Borden might be a stupid ho, hell it’s on her license plate, but she knows that RJ Reynolds sold Nabisco to Kraft a few years ago. Kraft! Cheese! The FlockNest is being funded by big cheese! Second hand cheese killed my paw! This aggression will not stand!

Segment Rating: 67%

 

T’Pol is with Lizzy Borden in the back (in more ways than one if you know what I’m saying wink, wink, nudge, nudge, actually I don’t even know what I’m saying there). Mexico’s Most Wanted is with her and they would like to rebuke the Villanos. T’Pol holds out her left hand, crosses her finger and announces “I REBUKE YOU! WAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWA-NUGGA-NUGGA-MIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” That’s some deep Vulcan shit you just called down on your heads Villanos. I hope your mystic Villano powers can withstand such deep and ancient traditions. The Mexicans ass rape Lizzy with a tennis racket for shits and giggles.

Segment Rating: 84%

 

Boy, I’d Make You Mow My Lawn if I Didn’t Live in a Trailer Park Tag Match for the XPW Tag Team Titles

Mexico's Most Wanted vs Memphis Mafia:

Forearm to the face from Halloween on Bilvis. Halloween hits an arm drag on Bilvis. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Damien 666. Mexico's Most Wanted whip Bilvis into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Cover for a two count. Bilvis Wesley takes a knee lift from Damien. Bilvis counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Bilvis Wesley hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Bilvis tags out to Honky Tonk Orton. Massive backbreaker, Damien got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Back elbow connects, Damien staggers backward. Damien ducks a wild right hand. Damien hits a flying kick on Orton. Damien tags out to Halloween. Orton takes a chop from Halloween. Tag to Bilvis Wesley. Bilvis takes a chop from Halloween. Bilvis Wesley is in big trouble...Double Brainbuster!! 1....2....3! Villanos come running down the aisle with chairs! They slide in behind Mexico's Most Wanted...and drop them with stereo chair shots! Villanos leave the ring, the damage done. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad. Villanos interference is of course worth *****.

Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 59%

(Halloween hits a forearm, an armdrag and a chop and gets the pin. Not to mention that he hit a double brainbuster by himself after a fresh Bilvis was felled by a single chop. That’s a Benoit vs. Flair in a Thunder Dome level chop, I’ll tell you that. I think we can tell who the prima donna of that team is. Although, my writers always tell me to push Damien. I think we know who’s going through the barbershop window when the time comes. Villanos naturally destroy everything in their path with blazing white-hot Villano awesomeness and leave nothing but scorched earth.)

 

Ahmed Johnson finds Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti in the back. Chetti is on his cell phone (still a rotary phone on the wall) talking with the WWE trying to get out of this hellhole. “C’mon, I’m Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti. If I were Triple H’s cousin you would sign me in a heartbeat and have Terri give me a blowjob…not that anyone would really want that…the blowjob I mean…from Terri.” Ahmed rips the receiver out of Chetti’s hand and eats it. “What you doing interfering in my match, beyotch?” “What are you doing interfering in all of my matches, beyotch?” “I asked you first.” “You entered first.” “Yo mama!” “Yo grandmamma!” They swat and slap at each other like two Puerto Rican street queens until officials break them up. I assume you all know by now that all miscellaneous on camera personnel are bums we pay in whiskey and cigarettes. Project scum indeed.

Segment Rating: 56%

 

T’Pol is in the back getting the Sandman ready for his upcoming match with Webb. Which entails shoving his head under a hot shower while he mumbles “Why-o why-o why-o did I ever leave Ohio.” I’m not sure what that means, but he’s drunk. Webb leaves a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon by the shower room door so Sandman can have a bit of an ‘eye-opener’ after T’Pol sobers him up. It’s a vicious circle of alcoholism, but Rob Black cannot be bothered to care. He has to liquor up all his porn stars before shoots anyway.

Segment Rating: 70%

 

Drunkin’, Pukin’, Rip Snortin’ Singles Match of Yee-Haw!

Webb vs The Sandman:

The Sandman hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. The Sandman DDTs Webb, poorly executed. Hooks the leg for a two count. Webb pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Sandman receives some punishment. Webb with a spinning neckbreaker on Sandman. Hooks the leg for a two count. Webb scores with a big spinebuster. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Fallaway slam by Webb. Sandman blocks a kick from Webb. The Sandman hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. The Sandman drops Webb with a clothesline. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Big forearm by Sandman, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. The Sandman hits a weak punch on Webb. Webb pushes out of a The Sandman hold. Rude Awakening on The Sandman by Webb. Powerbomb on Sandman. Supreme comes running down the aisle and into the ring! The Sandman turns around.... Supreme Choke Slam!!! That shook the ring. Supreme leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin, three count, it's over. Webb pins Sandman. Webb and Supreme are putting the boots to The Sandman! Terry Funk comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending Webb \ Supreme running for cover. Terry Funk saved Sandman from a major beating. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(Ha-ha, fooled you. You thought Funk was still in the hospital. Like the XPW could afford to pay for an extended hospital stay. You think we have medical insurance and a dental plan. Do we look like a Pizza Hut to you? Although I’m sure the bed sheets with “Motel 6” printed on them tipped you off. We stole those, it’s not like we can afford to stay in a Motel 6 either.)

Winner: Webb

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 52%

 

Show Rating: 60% (Highest Rated Show Ever! Who’s got the bowl! “…of mashed potatoes.” Shut up Ahmed!)

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 171…uh…er…ah…eh…people? Maybe we’re getting big enough to attract regular people now.

[Guest chirs3]

How have public image/ratings/attendance changed, since the beginning, Frost? I'm too lazy to look, and I figure you may keep track of this stuff.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Our public image went from 35% at a regional level to a current 53%. Our tv ratings are maxed out to what we can do for the time slots. Sophie says the peak we could hope for at this time is 1.20 and I'm shopping around for a better t.v. deal, but there's few networks for my kind of fed. Attendance has gone from the 120's, I believe, to the 170's and we can now get around 700 people for our big month end shows.

 

The industry overall is at 57% and on the decline, but I'm not sweating it.

 

I should also mention that I should make a pick for the winner of the reader's contest either this Saturday or Sunday night.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Wow, this is truly an amazing fucking diary!

 

The funniest part of this all, is that I took over XPW in EWR as well, and actually tried to make it good. Not only that, but I am actually seriously right around where you are date-wise, but the difference is again, I tried to make XPW look good.

 

I went on a firing spree when I took over, now I have Ultimo Dragon vs Taka Michinoku as the main event feud, with Seven/Ron Waterman as major major heels. I also signed Bob Backlund, made him commissioner, then signed an assload of technical and speedy wrestlers with no charisma, signed Joel Gertner and made him the color commentator with Larry Zbysko, and Gertner, Backlund and the technical wrestlers are a 7-man heel stable called "Backlund's Boys". Draw your own conclusion (Hey if it's XPW they must be heel because after all they're good wrestlers, and WE CAN'T HAVE THAT! SCREW THE RULES! WE LIKE HARDCORE! WE'RE XPW!)

 

so anyways, I got all this going on (oh and Lizzy Borden manages the Black Army. She's their manager but all she really does is interefere in matches and get sodomized..I got her to 56 over so far~!) and at around the same date my company is..

 

83% Regional Level, $4,030,980, and I have TV deals with KJLA, Playboy, AND Espn2!

 

So the moral of the story?

Even with the insane fucktitude this particular diary has done with XPW, trying to make it good hasn't even helped that much. On Medium mode, no less.

 

Oh, and I like the name XPW Wrestle-a-go-go, that was fuckin instant classic when I read that

 

Take care, keep up the good work!

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

XPW Monday Nightmare for June 16th 2003

Live from a Circle K parking lot in San Dimas

Hosts: Joey Styles and FlockNest Monster

 

Fuck Satan I Worship Elvis Singles Match

Damien 666 vs Bilvis Wesley:

Some weak shots by Bilvis. Damien drops out the back of a Bilvis Wesley bodyslam attempt. Damien, chanelling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on Bilvis Wesley. Damien 666 with an enziguri. Bilvis Wesley gets knocked to the ground by Damien, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - Top Legdrop, forget about it. 1....2...3! Bilvis Wesley leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle. Bilvis obviously didn't want any more of a beating tonight. Yuck. DUD.

(Damien sacrifices a goat to Satan post match. Bilvis counters by slathering a 13-year-old girl scout up with peanut butter for Elvis. Right after I wrote that part, my computer started acting funny and I had to restart. I’m not one for superstitions and hocus pocus [unless it can hurt me], but that shows that you don’t make fun of the dark occult powers of Elvis.)

Winner: Damien 666

Overall Rating: 45%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 53%

 

Handicapped Match to Make You Guys Look More Like Punk Ass Bitches

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Raphael Muhammed & Salid Jihad:

Standing leg lariat by Chris Chetti on Jihad. Muhammed chair shots Chris Chetti. Jihad ducks a wild right hand. Salid Jihad hits a bulldog off the ropes. Salid Jihad hits a sloppy double axe handle. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sloppy tornado punch from Raphael Muhammed, Chetti barely got hit. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Salid Jihad comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Jihad chair shots Raphael Muhammed by accident. Diamond Dust from Chris Chetti, Jihad is out. Salid Jihad can barely stand. Here it comes - Chetti-Plex. 1....2...3, it's finished. Rating: 1\2 star.

(Post match the New Panthers sacrifice an insurance salesman to their lord Al Sharpton. Chetti counters by calling Alan Keyes’ radio show and putting the Panthers on the air. Alan Keyes might be making sense, but a black republican just totally screws with the Panthers’ mojo.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 30%

Match Quality: 67%

 

I Keep Jobbing to Perry Saturn, Where’s Mine Singles Match

Kaos vs GQ Money:

Kick from Kaos to the leg. Kick from Kaos to the leg. Kaos uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Spin kick by Kaos to the face. GQ Money fights out of a grapple. Kaos takes a vertical suplex from GQ Money. Flying elbow off the top rope by GQ Money, poor elevation though. There's a two count on the pin. Kaos blocks the suplex attempt. Super kick by Kaos. There's a two count on the pin. Vicious kick to the teeth from Kaos. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. GQ powers out of a headlock. Kaos hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. Kaos counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Kaos hits a dropkick on GQ Money. Kaos ducks a GQ clothesline and does a quick roll up. Kaos has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Perry Saturn comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Kaos gets floored...Gonad Whacker! It's whacking every gonad in sight! Kaos has been left down on the canvas. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(Kaos had like nine total moves in the match and six of them were kicks. Was he trained by Eric Bischoff? Saturn whacks GQ Money’s gonads for good measure as well. You can’t be too safe around the XPW you know. Actually, it’s not safe to use the word “whack” at all around the XPW. Unless you have a thing for Major Gunns, then by all means go ahead.)

Winner: Kaos

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 45%

Match Quality: 68%

 

New drinking game: take a shot every Terry Funk says son of a bitch.

“Terry Funk here and I only have on word for that son of a bitch Webb, I’ll be facing later tonight: stewardesses. As for that son of a bitch Supreme and that son of a bitching son of a bitch new leader of the FlockNest whoever that son of a bitch is, I’ll kick both your asses for breakfast have a SlimFast for lunch and sensibly kick your asses again for dinner. And that bitch son of a bitch Lady Victoria better know her place, because I’ll hit a woman just as quick as I’ll hit any other son of a bitch. Men, women, children, dogs, horses, the blind, blind women, blind horses, children with cholera, dogs with dysentery, cholera with dysentery, I don’t care. I’m Terry Funk, I’m the meanest son of a bitch ever and I’ll beat the asses of any son of a bitch I son of a bitching feel like. Go Astros! Son of a bitch!”

Segment Rating: 89%

 

Terry Funk is a Bitter Old Man, Put Me Over Punk Before I Smack you With a Cookie Sheet, you Son of a Bitch Singles Match for the XPW World Title

Terry Funk vs Webb:

Weak headbutt on Webb by Funker. Terry Funk hits Webb. Terry Funk with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Webb. Running clothesline from Terry Funk, sloppily done. Webb counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Fallaway slam by Webb. Full nelson slam on Funker. There's a two count on the pin. Webb only gets knees on a splash. Terry Funk hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Funker DDTs Webb. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Webb counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Webb fires off some right and left hands. Webb misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Webb takes a right hand to the temple from Funker. Supreme comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Clothesline...but Funker ducks! Webb gets hit! Terry Funk knocks Supreme out of the ring. Webb can barely stand. Here it comes - DDT. 1....2...3, it's finished. Webb and Supreme are beating the hell out of Terry Funk! Danny Doring sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Webb, exchanging punches, while Terry Funk comes back, sending Supreme out of the ring with a clothesline. Doring \ Funker have cleared the ring, driving off Webb and Supreme! Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(Terry Funk then kicks that son of a bitch Danny Doring’s ass; because there’s no more other assess to kick. Terry Funk then kicks his own ass to prove how tough he is. He piledrives himself on the floor, blades and asks for more. Terry Funk is mad and he’s not taking it anymore!)

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Show Rating: 59%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 172 dudes trying to be excellent to each other

 

First props to new reader Vitamin X. Thanks for finding me and I wish you luck with your own XPW fed. You're going a different way than I am and that's cool. I pretty much wanted to see what I could do with who was in place and with the spirit of the fed.

 

Thank you to everyone who participated in the last reader’s contest to find a new name for my upcoming month end show. Almost all of the suggestions really made me laugh and really fit the fed. I don’t look to do another contest for sometime, but I will do another in the future due to all the great response I have been getting. Of the multiple entries I received I narrowed it down to seven. Those being:

 

Multiple Orgasm

Cock Joust

WhoreFest ‘03

Death by Association

Rear Mount Position

Good Friends, Better Enemas

Cum Piss on This Hell Hole

 

I then wrote these names on a piece of paper and put them in my leopard print cowboy hat I bought for a Randy Savage Halloween costume a few years ago. The winner drawn out was:

 

XPW MULTIPLE ORGASM!

 

Sandman 9000 has been contacted on his win and he will hopefully let me know what he wants to do soon. He can either pick anyone in the game for me to hire (who will talk to me) or create his own character that I will hire some jobber to portray. This new talent will most likely debut sometime after my coming big show, now known, of course, as XPW MULTIPLE ORGASM!

 

On a side note: I still hope to bring in a guy named Big Jim Slade in the coming month. Last place once again goes to MVS for “The Night the BUTT Puzzler Lived.” That’s an obscure insider SWF reference no one else gets. However, you can console yourself with getting a finalist in Cum Piss on This Hell Hole, which I still might use sometime in the future, especially if I ever buy out another organization. Which will most likely happen many, many, many, many years from now. Thanks to all again and keep sodomizing the useless!