your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 12/12/2002!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Ah, Smackdown.... I almost always forget that you invade my Thursday and make me write things for two hours. Some would say it is a curse, but I- as the writer- revel in the mutual experience with you- the reader. Maybe not about this particular wrestling show on this fleeting evening- as you may be on the other side of the world or in Japan or Mexico or Puerto Rico enjoying your national flavor of grappling, but of a timeless love- a love of the Professional Wrestling.... HEY! My wife bought beer! MARRIAGE RULES! BOOZE! If only I had known about the beer two hours ago, this would be a truly hell raising recap.

 

WHAT WORKED.

- Brock and Kurt talk and it`s fun thinking about these two trying to outbump each in an endless feud down the road. Angle goes back to the screwing of Brock and Brock`s shot. He`s been ``tearing it up`` and ``dominating`` and how Kurt ``likes what he sees``. Brock says, ``I would like that`` and the homosexual overtones permeate and we all love the Smackdown manly love that invades our private world every week.

 

- Eddy and Chavo defend the belts against ~~~The Most Boring Wrestlerrrrr Alive Buhiiiilllllleeeeeeee KIDDDDDD- MANNNnnn!~~~~ and A SUITABLY PISSED OFF TO THE GILLS CHRIS BENOIT! ``I`m tagging with WHO?!?! Oh fuck allllll you motherfuckers!`` It does make for wads of fun when Eddy and Benoit start killing each other. See, the stiffness is through the fucking roof and then Kidman comes in and it`s like his nipples are lactating. Chavo and Eddy are a wonderment beating the teeth out of Kidman. Kidman makes me want to fucking vomit by reversing a Eddy Powerbomb. God, they really can`t beat the shit out of this chump enough. Maybe they could bring back Brawl for All and somehow have Tito Ortiz come in as Chuck and Billy`s dance instructor Calvin and have Ortiz beat on Kidman half as much as he beat on Ken Shamrock. Kidman gets in a powerbomb and thus fucks up the hot tag because Eddy has been powerbombed, why be a house afire. Kidman annoys me. It`s stupid, I know... Eddy is in the crossface as we go to a commercial. We come back and any momentum this match had is killed as they hack up the entire middle of the match. Eddy and Chavo start beating the shit out of Kidman again and do the fun lucha double team leg lock. Kidman is better at selling the ass-beating this time around but who the hell could want him to ever make a comeback, thus I dub thee ``The Anti-Ricky Morton``. Benoit does the great dropkick to the face and Chavo goes into a keylock that Kidman fights out of by channeling the amazing Bootyman and throwing the most pussy-assed punches in wrestling. Eddy and Chavo cheat like motherfuckers and I`m truly loving this match. Benoit goes Suplex CRAZY and hits the Diving Headbutt. Eddy ducks a Burning Labia Press and gets his feet on the ropes to get the win. This match was pretty beautiful despite my irrational Kidman hate.

 

- Jamie Noble presents his cousin Nunzio. Crash is comical in his walk to the ring. Noble throws really great elbows. They do a bunch of wrestling that Can Of Crowd pops for. Nunzio does a tepid run in. For some reason, I want Nunzio to be played a bit broader.....plus, I never once thought of something repulsive from my construction days. Maybe Noble should have shouted ``that`s tighter than a weddin` dick!`` or something.... I dunno. It works because this will probably lead up to something I want to see.

 

- Scott Steiner fucking Stephanie in the ring was pretty great. Oh wait. He`s not going to fuck her in the ring. Oh wait, he isn`t going to sign to stink up Smackdown. That`s even better than the public fucking of a McMahon. WORKED WORKED WORKED!

 

- I don`t care what you think of me when I tell you that I personally love the Big Show`s theme song. Big Show also has facial hair that makes me think of a really tall, morbidly obese bass player for Foghat. A-Train is perfectly fine in the main event when in with Angle. The Edge/A-Train parts were less than the Angle parts but perfectly servicible. Edge selling for Big Show destroying his knee was surprisingly good. Big Show`s elbow drops looked fine and he cut off Edge at the right time to keep the crowd in it. Well, the crowd looked pretty dead but they were watching Albert and Big Show. Edge`s comeback for the hot tag was pretty pedestrian. But it was Albert. Albert is Albert. Angle is awesome as house a-fire, taking out Big Show`s knee and suplexing the fat ass of A-Train. Big Show does the HIDEOUS reverse powerbomb and from there it turns into to Big Stiffs Sucking It Clusterfuck of total dogshit until the fun Olympic Slam on Big Show. Eh. I expected it to suck MOUNTAINS more than this.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK.

 

- Rikishi is the winner of the hip hop challenge. It had nothing to do with breakin` boards in a parking deck popping and locking to ``Electric Kingdom`` so FUCK IT! Cena is funny but there is nothing funny about Bull Buchanon wrestling on your television machine. His punches are better though. He would have been perfectly fine enjoying the robust pungent poo remnants ramping out of Rikishi`s big fat ass but the Young Men Who Sing The Hip Hop Music Whilst Wrestling use a chain to get the win over my sangre and it`s just a big bouncing bag of shit.

 

- Torrie talks to possibly Roseanne. She acts- she is thespianic like a motherfucker- like Vanna White in ``Venus``- when she hears that Dawn Marie has been talking about her. There is no National Geographic Travelogue of International Poon Mounting starring the steady bustin, waxin` and milkin` Al Wilson so fuck alllllllll this. THEN- later in the show- Torrie is nipples erect as she GETS TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS! Dawn Marie and Torrie ACT ACT ACT and I`m reminded of this movie I saw (when I was a teenager? ten years ago? yesterday?) involving a group of ladies who wanted to save their house from repossession by starting a carwash. Not just any carwash, BUT A BIKINI CARWASH! Luckly they say that Al Wilson will be on the show and I can quit hating this. Thank you, Al. Thank you for just being you.

 

- FUCK YOU, WWE! FUCK YOU! AL WILSON DOESN`T GET FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING ENTRANCE PYRO AND MUSIC?!?! WHAT THE FUCK! AWWWWW FUCK YOU, WWE! Al is the MACK and Dawn Marie tries to fuck with his head but he says ``fuck the world and all you rat-soup-eating insecure born motherfuckers`` and says ``crazy pussy is still pussy``. Torrie and Dawn Marie have a fabulous brawl. Jesus fucking Christ, Dawn Marie will bump like a fucking freak. If Al Wilson came out to ``Skintight`` by the Ohio Players amidst a shower of fireworks and piped in moaning, this would have worked. I`m excited about the Motel Room Footage involving Torrie Wilson enjoying the combined love stylings of Buck ``Rock n Roll`` Zhumoff and Cruel Connection 2 in a simultaneous 80s Enhancement Loving 3 Way Dance. Any thing less would be gutless and pandering. WHERE IS THE LOVE OF THE BUSINESS!?!?

 

- Heyman dubs him A-train. Albert is A-Train. Albert isn`t Eddy Guerrerro. Eddy Guerrerro is Eddy Guerrerro. The Big Show isn`t a very good wrestler. He`s an even worse actor. Big Show isn`t as good as A-Train. A-Train is better than Big Show. Edge will wrestle A-Train and Big Show. Edge will not wrestle Eddy. Eddy is better than A-Train. A-Train is better than Big Show. Eddy is Eddy.

 

- Bill Dermott is intense! Shannon Moore will bump to great lengths to make shit look good. Bill Dermott is more shit than even an OMEGA alumni can polish. Dermott is Duke The Dumpster Droesie DOS MIL- with 1/8th the ability!! INTENSE!

 

- Stephanie looks kinda like what I`m figuring Barbara Bush looked like right when she started going to seed. She was on screen a whole lot. I can only wonder how many takes it took for her to spit out the comical line, ``The Big Show makes us money.`` I wept from the giant bouts of laughter! Oh that Stephanie McMahon! She is the Elaine Boozler of the Repulsive Leathery Women of the WWE! HEAR! HEAR!

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

"See, the stiffness is through the fucking roof and then Kidman comes in and it`s like his nipples are lactating"

 

....Line of the Year.

[Guest Incandenza]

And hear I am, weeping blissful tears for the very fact that I was fortunate enough to have internet access and read that glorious, glorious report. Oh, the ecstasy!

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

The best part is the worse the smackdown, the better the smackdown reports - so it's a win/win situation for us, gentle readers.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

The best part is the worse the smackdown, the better the smackdown reports - so it's a win/win situation for us, gentle readers.

Man, it was bad tonight. I actually had the pre-Benoit/Eddy Smackdown 9:10 pm "Jesus, this is still on for another hour" feeling. I'm just whining though. The tag match was the tag match. Pre-Benoit/Eddy coudln't touch that. And the main event didn't match me wanna vomit or anything. Plus Al Wilson returned....

 

DEAN.

[Guest Incandenza]

Are you still feeling residual hate from having to put up with Kidman, or did the righteous ass beating he suffered ease your pain?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

"- FUCK YOU, WWE! FUCK YOU! AL WILSON DOESN`T GET FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING ENTRANCE PYRO AND MUSIC?!?! WHAT THE FUCK! AWWWWW FUCK YOU, WWE! Al is the MACK and Dawn Marie tries to fuck with his head but he says ``fuck the world and all you rat-soup-eating insecure born motherfuckers`` and says ``crazy pussy is still pussy``. Torrie and Dawn Marie have a fabulous brawl. Jesus fucking Christ, Dawn Marie will bump like a fucking freak. If Al Wilson came out to ``Skintight`` by the Ohio Players amidst a shower of fireworks and piped in moaning, this would have worked. I`m excited about the Motel Room Footage involving Torrie Wilson enjoying the combined love stylings of Buck ``Rock n Roll`` Zhumoff and Cruel Connection 2 in a simultaneous 80s Enhancement Loving 3 Way Dance. Any thing less would be gutless and pandering. WHERE IS THE LOVE OF THE BUSINESS!?!?"

 

DEAN, we must head to WWE immediately to force them to give Al Wilson his own 20-minute segment. It would be better than that of those other 20-minute interviews.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Are you still feeling residual hate from having to put up with Kidman, or did the righteous ass beating he suffered ease your pain?

I don't think they coudl beat the annoyingness out of him without killing him. And we don't want that.

 

DEAN.