The SmartMarks Roast of Kotzenjunge

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Hey! Those aren't fake vomit stains! They're REAL PUNK RAWK HARDKORE vomit stains! Biyatch!

[Guest LooseCannon]

Oh, I'll be laughing on the outside. On the inside, I'll be plotting all the ways in which I'll kill you. It's about time I moved away from the prostitutes, anyway.

Yeah, killing prostitutes is soooo 1998.

[Guest Incandenza]

Well, shall I ever be roasted, I'm doing my damndest to give any potential roaster material.

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

I just respect Kotz for using a sound clip from my favorite Simpson's episode of all time

[Guest treble charged]

I have NEVER met a mentally healthy Canadian who talked like that.

 

*awaits the 'there's such a thing as a mentally healthy Candian??' jokes*

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

remember...

 

you can't spell "retarded treble charger fan" without "Treble Charged"

 

but then again...

 

you can't spell "anal sex with Kurt Angle" without "Anglesault"

[Guest Sassquatch]

Kotz likes to rave.

 

Nuff said.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

I didn't like your insult of me, so I'm gonna give you another one, perhaps touching on a "sensitive" topic....

 

Why did Dames fail the Driving Test?

 

Because when it came time to parallel park, he thought six inches was l-------l"this" (make motion with your fingers) long...

[Guest Sandman9000]

Hey, I didn't get return dissed by Kotzen! You can't think of one freaking thing wrong with me to mock? Wow.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

You didn't really insult me.

[Guest Sandman9000]

All right then.

 

 

 

You. Shithead.

 

 

 

 

Do your worst.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Heh. wait for your own roast.

[Guest Ravenbomb]

Oh, we're supposed to make jokes, ok *puts lighter and Gasoline down*

uh...I remember this one time me and Kotz got jobs at a M&M factory as M&M inspectors. He was before me in the line and I wasn't getting many because he was throwing them off the little belt left and right. I turned to him and said 'Those M&M's don't look bad, why are you throwing them away?' and he said 'The painter messed up, it put little W's instead of little M's'

so there ya go.

[Guest LooseCannon]

Incandenza and Kinetic: I wanted to get some of the bands you guys love so much to appear on this program for a little musical interlude, but not even the bands themselves have ever heard of them. Hell, even Leonard Cohen had never heard any of his records before.

I thought everyone knew Leonard Cohen. From the Natural Born Killers soundtrack atleast.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

It's a joke from The Young Ones. Neil says how no one ever listens to him, so he might as well be a Leonard Cohen album. I said it once to piss Kinetic off, and figured I'd bring it out again for my counter-zing.

[Guest LooseCannon]

Oh yeah. That is funny.

[Guest Kinetic]

Oh, I'll be laughing on the outside. On the inside, I'll be plotting all the ways in which I'll kill you. It's about time I moved away from the prostitutes, anyway.

Yeah, killing prostitutes is soooo 1998.

Actually, it was pretty much the whole decade for me.

 

(Yeah, that's right. Give me a few days and I'll think of a good line.)

[Guest Kinetic]

Did I forget about Patrick Spoon's conversation with God? It goes something like this:

 

At the age of 14, a younger and more innocent Patrick Spoon kneeled beside his bed one night to have a conversation with God. To the omnipotent creator, he said "God, I don't seem to be going through the same...changes that the other boys are. They tease me in gym class and snap my hairless bottom with their towels! Please, oh please, let me go through puberty, God."

 

God replied, with a booming voice that shook the heavens and the earth, "NO POBO."

 

Patrick thought about it for a second and replied, " Well, could you at least let the Green Bay Packers win a Super Bowl?"

 

God contemplated this ridiculous notion for a moment and then consented. "FO SHEEZ," he was heard to say. So it was written. So it was done.

 

The moral of the story is that Kotzenjunge was a late bloomer and also that it would take an act of divine intervention for Green Bay to win a championship. Thank you for your time.

[Guest SP-1]

God replied, with a booming voice that shook the heavens and the earth, "NO POBO."

That. Was. Hilarious.

[Guest Kingpk]

What can we say about our dear Spoony Bard?

 

Kotz spends much of his time on this board, instead of more productive hobbies like glassblowing, Kylie's Ass Cream applicator, or giving rectal exams with the aid of his glowsticks.

 

He used to do the TE recaps, but his computer crapped out on him faster than the night he spent at "Peso Paco's 99 cent Burrito Buffet." It's too bad too, I was looking forward to the first internet suicide once Jonah was cut.

 

Alas, he can still string together even more of his shitty posts, forgoing any semblance of a social life to spread his love of shitty music, crappy dating shows, and frequent Cybersex sessions with Alina.

 

So, Patrick, I leave you with a hearty "NO POBO!", "Fo sheez" and "Sizzucky my dizzicky."