EL DANDY~! 0 Report post Posted December 18, 2002 *EL DANDY~! walks up in his hat, robe, and DA LAAAAAAAAAAAAADIES at his side to the mike and recites* Ladies, gentlemen, road kill, and Anglesault, welcome to the SmartMarks roast of The Dames, Damian Gonzalez. I'm the roastmaster Tim "EL DANDY~!" Livingston. Tonight, if you think we're gonna pay tribute to Dames...take the cocks out of your ears and listen up because we're here to make fun of the bastard. Everybody you hear that will pay tribute to Dames is supposed to be funny...so EvenflowDDT is not invited. So, in the interest of fairness...let the roasting of the man whose ass is phatter than JLo's begin...and don't be fooled by his rocks, he's still, he's still Dames from the block... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jubuki Report post Posted December 18, 2002 Is this a joke? You're the "roastmaster"? How about mastering the English language first there buddy, and coming up with message content that's longer than your inane signature. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest BionicRedneck Report post Posted December 18, 2002 You're the "roastmaster"? How about mastering the English language first there buddy now THAT was funny! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Respect The 'Taker Report post Posted December 18, 2002 Everybody you hear that will pay tribute to Dames is supposed to be funny...so EvenflowDDT is not invited. ...and don't be fooled by his rocks, he's still, he's still Dames from the block... *Dies laughing* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EL DANDY~! 0 Report post Posted December 18, 2002 Listen at every roast there is SUPPOSED to be a Roast MASTER. I took charge...I stepped up. Just because you guys were all pussies and didn't do it doesn't mean you have to blame me for it... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest MarvinisaLunatic Report post Posted December 18, 2002 A roast master is a person who is an expert at roasting coffee beans. I know this because it was covered in my Principles of Beverage Preperation and Service class I had last year. I suppose that Roasts have Roastmasters, but the coffee thing was the first to pop in my head.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted December 18, 2002 *shakes his head* Enough of this nonsense. What is there to say about Dames, really? He's just a regular guy from the Bronx like any other regular guy from the Bronx. Well, I suppose there are subtle differences I guess... First of all, Dames, take your tongue out of Kotzenjunge's asshole so you can pay attention. I know licking a gay raver's browneye is high on your list of priorities, but you should really take a moment to read our reflections with a clear head. Actually, scratch that. Finish what you're doing first. No one likes a half-ass job. Dig the pun. Finished? Good. Now just sit back and play that JLH Barenaked song softly. Truly a wonder of music rivalling even the greatest symphonies of the classical masters. Which I think would then make you a classical masturbator. How does one attempt to make fun of a lively man about town such as yourself? Well, let's try the ol' genitals. You certainly have a fascination with your own groin that is neither acceptable nor healthy, and your constant mentions of your semen send us all running for the nearest toilet. As for your self-proclaimed magnificent dong...well, I know nothing about that, although I'm sure Flyboy can fill us in on the details. You dirty, dirty man. You're worse than a member of the arch diocese at a private screening of Kindergarten Cop. Although your tastes in personal gratification may run towards little boys and unobtainable lousy actresses, I think we can all commend your tastes in computers and prowess in programming and running this board, which is exemplified by the silky-smooth way the board's been running lately. Seriously, what the fuck did you move this server to? An old Atari with a coathanger taped to it? Ah fuck it, not like I'm a technical wizard. So anyway, how's life, Dames? Still the same ol' tired rut of molesting vagrants and taking their loose change for the nudie booth? I thought so. At least the jizzmopper doesn't have anything to do in there after you get out other than clean your tongue streaks off the glass and floor. I bet you were in heaven when Times Square was in between family entertainment and hookers. Where else can you kidnap someone's kid and pick up the latest copy of Reamed Asses? Alas, Dames, I could go on, but I'm sure you've got plenty of old tapes of Party of Five to review, as well as the collectors edition of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, cheerio, old chap. Or as they say in Central Park, "Gimme your fuckin' wallet, bitch." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jubuki Report post Posted December 18, 2002 Ah, so your name is Damian, eh? What happened, did your mom blank out at the last minute and all she could come up with was the Antichrist? Or was Sonofsam Gonzalez too risque? Beelzebub would've earned you several asskickings in your life - be glad you didn't get that. And I was thinking "The Dames" had something to do with women at first, but now that I know your name, I can see where it comes from. Unless, that is, your lifelong dream is to actually touch The Dames someday. Don't worry, Sparky, it happens for everyone - you'll get there eventually. Until then, you'll just have to touch your Little Dames, though I think everyone's heard enough about that. And to answer the server question, I doubt he moved the server to anything. I think what's more likely is that he tried to rice the old server - you know, spray-paint the old tower case an eggplant color with the Starsky & Hutch "J" in white, put a big CustomRims.com sticker on the side, a Nissan sticker on the other, hang some bread tabs off the Ethernet cable -- oh yeah, brutha, it looks so much cooler now that it HAS to be faster! Brainiac. Of course it won't matter what server you're running as long as the content on it SUCKS, so maybe speed isn't the issue round here, Snacky. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TJH Report post Posted December 18, 2002 Here's my own little unique contribution: The Dames columns are about the quality of the script for "Ready to Rumble". Oh, and he's had multiple sex change operations (he can't decide what he wants to be). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted December 18, 2002 There's precious little I can say about the Hans Moleman of the Smart Marks. Because Dames...I respect you. I respect the fact that you have the willpower and bravery to live life like a normal person, despite your syphillis. It takes a certain kind of person to do that. It also takes a certain kind of person to make fun of a man whose genitals are rotting away as we speak, and I am not that kind of man. So, Dames, I think I speak for all of us when I thank you for all you've done for this community and I really hope this new treatment works out for you. You've got a long, hard road ahead of you. Good luck. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Vern Gagne Report post Posted December 18, 2002 *laughs hysterically* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Ravenbomb Report post Posted December 19, 2002 Dames is like Eggs on Tuesday Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cobainwasmurdered Report post Posted December 20, 2002 Who The Hell Is The Dames? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EL DANDY~! 0 Report post Posted December 20, 2002 *comes to the mike with the hat, the coat, and DA LAAAAAAAADIES* Oh man...this is gonna be so hard for me. Remember, Dames isn't the only one here, ladies and gents. We have plenty of people we can make fun of outside of the man of honor tonight... We have Agent of Oblivion here tonight...yes, the same man who in his dreams fantasizes about getting Liv Tyler in that outfit she wore in The Lord of the Rings. Or was that Gandalf...I don't know. CWM is in the house tonight. Go ahead and cheer. I know he was cheering himself on when his right hand couldn't get the job done last night..."COME ON LEFTY!!!" But enough about the queers...let's move onto Dames...wait a minute...that wasn't right...I forgot Kinetic. Ah man...Kinetic. Please for the love of God and for our own safety...please take your tongue out of Warren Sapp's gigantic ass. Dames, what the fuck can I say that hasn't already been said by the INS in their dossiers??? What can I say about a man, whose constant hard-on for Jennifer Love Hewitt AND Tony Mantana is simply leveled when the mention of Liza Minelli comes up? I mean...EVERYBODY loves Liza Minelli. Some more than others *coughAnnieEcough* but seriously folks...Dames is a man that most people could only dream about being. A closet homosexual for almost two years now...Dames finally came out when holes were found in his life-sized cardboard cut-out of Tony Montana...that were not his...but of Kotz's. His love for wrestling is high and mighty, and maybe someday, he too, can be the right hand mand for Triple H...you know, when he can't find his stuff to take a piss a couple years down the road. Dames, I hope you find your way to where you want to go...head writer for NWA when it's a sinking ship, and I hope that one day you will realize the greatness that you truly own. Good luck, and may all the blowjobs in your life come from Jenn. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TJH Report post Posted December 20, 2002 You know, Dames is kinda like a Mushroom. Eats shit and lives in darkness. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cobainwasmurdered Report post Posted December 20, 2002 wait a minute did he just insult me? Geez. Dames is so boring that the Roastmaster has to mock others to get laughs. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TheyCallMeMark Report post Posted December 20, 2002 The "roast master" is an idiot. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cobainwasmurdered Report post Posted December 20, 2002 pot.kettle.black. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Big Poppa Popick Report post Posted December 20, 2002 *coughs* what about me dammit? im still sorta something ownership-like around here *stumbles out of room drunk* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Big Poppa Popick Report post Posted December 20, 2002 holy shit... 8x...I rule not as much as CWM, but i rule Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cobainwasmurdered Report post Posted December 20, 2002 only 8? chump Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted December 20, 2002 We have Agent of Oblivion here tonight...yes, the same man who in his dreams fantasizes about getting Liv Tyler in that outfit she wore in The Lord of the Rings. Or was that Gandalf...I don't know. What? She's hot. As for Gandalf, I think the beard would tickle. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EL DANDY~! 0 Report post Posted December 20, 2002 Oh well...let's just add on more to me being an idiot...I know I have... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TheyCallMeMark Report post Posted December 21, 2002 pot.kettle.black. I'm a teapot. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Midnight Express83 Report post Posted December 21, 2002 In honor of a thread about the guy... Dames’Lo Brown, we know why you failed your driver's test. Because not only were you too stupid to drive the stick shift. You left your semen on the instructor’s' eye. It wouldn’t have been bad but the fact that the guy made Elton John look straight. :: Crowd quiets :: Its bad enough that you are in the state of mass stupidity that allows just about anyone who is tall enough to look over the dash board get their license. God you must be stupid. Man you so stupid, when they said you need to do a drug test now, you screamed, “but I didn’t get a chance to study”. :: Crowd is dead :: What is with this Scarface obsession? I think you are the first person ever to fuck a DVD disc. :: Crowd begins to boo :: Damn, I am having less luck with this crowd than Dames in a room full of whores and trying to get pussy. :: Few chuckles :: I guess I should go on a good note. Dames the women, who are uglier than shit left on the floor for three months, love ya. And you are a great owner. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted December 21, 2002 Boo! Get off the stage! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Vern Gagne Report post Posted December 21, 2002 *Chases the big titted waitresses around the room...gets asses kicked by huge bouncer* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kotzenjunge Report post Posted December 21, 2002 You have more than one ass? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EL DANDY~! 0 Report post Posted December 22, 2002 *brings Mephisto on stage* Mephisto: Dames, in honor of your roast, I present to you my greatest creation...The Six-ass Monkey Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest evenflowDDT Report post Posted December 23, 2002 Am I invited to the next roast? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
