your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT for 1/16/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

It`s gonna SNOW! I`m distracted and will try to keep it together and also try to cuss a lot more than usual. Fucking fuck! YEAH! FUCK YEAH! FUCK! Fuck! Fuck. YEah. Fuck yeah.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Dawn Marie is actually fabulous reciting a slight variation of the Anna Nicole Smith post-funeral-of-that-90-year-old-millionaire-she-married speech. How could you people turn on this angle? It`s developed a life of it`s own. And faking your own death to get more pussy? What`s more mack-like than that? what the fuck is wrong with you people.

 

-Eddy and Chavo come out to racist signs and it fucking bums me out- but then they mention Grandma and who is a greater cheater so I am stoked. Then Cena and B2 come out and I`m less stoked. The crowd is confused because the Guerrerros wrestle face but they are still considered completely evil- what to do? Eddy decides to just wrestle like a motherfucker and let the crowd figure it out. Can of Crowd is behind the Guerrerros and Eddy bumps like a freak early to make Bull Buchanon look less turdlike. Cena does a nice Snap Suplex and then they go to a front facelock and the crowd can`t figure out what to do. Cena and B2 earn some hard respect by taking GIGANTIC Jerry bumps and they do a whole dogpile to the outside with Eddy getting hurt. I haven`t read any spoilers so I don`t know if it`s legit. Chavo sucks it up for his sangre and goes on offense, busting up B2 and hitting the FROGSPLASH for the pin. AWESOME. I guess they willed Chavo his uncle`s finisher and it`s awesome. Cena and B2 break up and I`m wondering what can they POSSIBLY do with Bull Buchanon now? Fued with A-Train maybe? Cena has a new partner and I don`t recognize him. I`m lacking information and I blame myself.

 

- Benoit is pissed. It`s fun. The feud recap made Edge`s offense look almost credible. Benoit needed to channel Dusty Rhodes: ``My babehs back home, in pulick if you weeeill, have sacrificed... SACRIFICED... for the Canadian Dreammmmmm, Chrisbenwa. Angle- you big, you bad, lord knows you ugly but ah`m the cripplah... THE CRIPPLAH... and I`m gonna put something on you that even AJAX won`t take off! Don`t make me do it! KURT! You were a BROTHAH to me! A BROTHAH TO ME! DON`T MAKE ME DO IT!`` Then Benoit could get suspended and come out as the Midnite Rider and quote April Wine instead of the Allman Brothers. It would fucking rule. I mean fuck, it`s CHRIS BENOIT. He could read the Thunder Bay phone book and it would motherfucking rule because you know it all points to Benoit beating the fuck out of a motherfucker. What the fuck else could you want?

 

- Your lord and saviour- Matt Hardy- comes in and tells suck ass Billy Kidman to shut his fucking babbling piehole. He then tells Funaki to shut his big fat mouth and shove it up his big fat striped ass and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this new little fued. YEAH MATT! Fuck those motherfuckers playa hating on your helping of a troubled youth. If they hate instead of congratulate then fuck both of them! Fuck yeah! Break your leg up their scrawny weasly asses! Fuck Yeah! If you ain`t MFer then you ain`t SHIT. Punk the motherfuckers out! Punk`em out, Matt!

 

- Nunzio takes on Tajiri. It is perfectly fine wrestling. Nunzio did a nice reversal into a Wakigatame. He did some nice mat stuff. Tajiri opts to go lucha with the spinny Reverse Gory Special into a swanky German suplex amd I dug the Handspring Elbow. The ending was really elaborate to set up the nice Rolling Shoulder Breaking Thing into a Fujiwara Armbar.

 

- Dawn Marie is dressed like Vampirella and I await Papa Shango to come in and raise Fuckmaster Al from the dead.

 

- The Big Show theme rules. A-Train`s isn`t as good. A-Train is a better wrestler than Big Show. Heyman gets on the stick but doesn`t get all flaming so it isn`t very much fun. Brock`s theme pales in comparison to Big Show`s. HEY! It`s Rey Misterio Jr! Big Show takes that bump he tends to take, all after Brock F5`s A-Train and Rey hits his MOR-TAL~! for the pin- HEY! I`d being lying if I said it was an actual match. Since this was a Big Show match that was cut short and looked to be the blow-off to a sure-to-be-completely-fruitless fued with Rey Rey and A-train, I`d say this worked like a motherfucker. We can get on with our lives now.

 

- They go ahead and start the fued and I`m filled with love and admiration for Matt Hardy who will hopefully kick the fuck out of the playa-hating Funaki- the motherfucker. Matt hits a fucking BEAUTIFUL elbow. MFer Shannon cheats like a motherfucker and sets up a SWANK modified Ace Crusher. Funaki throws nice punches for such a punkass motherfucker. Matt breaks Funaki`s back and they do some stuff before Funaki foresakes his Japanese roots and does the shittiest WWE Bulldog ever. Matt leans into the Inverted Rolling DDT like a KING and makes the jealous creep called Funaki look godlike. MFer Moore and punk ass motherfucker Kidman stick their noses into the proceedings and it MAKES THE ANNOUNCERS GO INSANE BECAUSE FUNAKI HITS A FLYING BODY TACKLE AND THE ANNOUNCERS ARE POSITIVE THAT THIS WOULD HAVE ACTUALLY GOTTEN A PIN ON SOMEONE IN THE YEAR 2003. C`mon guys, this isn`t Ricky Steamboat vs Don Kernoodle. Either way, while chickenmounting gossipper Kidman was running off at the piehole with the ref, Matt had time to hit a Diamond Cutter and pin that mealy mouthed jealous bastard shitheel Funaki and get the sweet sweet victory. Shannon loses Mattitude concentration and gets some much needed and much appreciated Mattitude Discipline.

 

- TEAM ANGLE fucking RULES. Chris Benoit FUCKING RULES. Edge gets fired up in these kinda things. They give me a commercial to catch my breath. They start mid match and Benoit is kicking motherfuckers asses. Haas takes an astounding ass-stomping as Benoit uses him as example for Angle and I LOVE IT. Angle cheats to get Haas to offense and he does a Strangle Hold Gamma until Benoit decides to beat him to death. Edge tags in and he quickly assumes the role he does best- being beaten into a fine paste. Benoit is tagged in after Edge hitting some hideous offense and Shelton Benjamin lariats Benoit to allow Angle to get in the ring in the most assholish way possible. Angle gets his ankle lock reversed and he sprints to tag Benjamin who takes a manly assbeating from Benoit and Edge. Angle is on FIRE as he cheats like a complete bastard to get Edge back into the barrell. Team Angle hit some nice MX channels Crazy Max double teams and I`m so in love with this match. Edge fights out of the chinlock like Dusty Rhodes and the crowd is getting into it so they cut him off and gets them more into his comeback. Angle comes in and Edge fights out and Angle cuts him off with a sweeet Released German. Haas is funny with the crazy face while twisting Edge`s neck. Edge finally makes the tag... NO! Angle with the German and this is soooooo fabulously Southern. FINALLY Edge makes the tag and crowd explodes and they make Benoit look strong going into the Rumble by having him kill all of Team Angle. Benoit gets the crutch and this is SOOOOO mothfucking great as he beats Angle with it. GREAT GREAT MOTHERFUCKING GREAT. And i`m assuming that Benoit is deeply not getting the title if tonight is the indicator.

 

WHAT DIDn`T WORK-

- Stephanie comes out and says that Undertaker is coming back. Then she announces a Big Show match. The partner to be named my save this. Prolly not.

 

- Nathan Jones supposedly carried Scott Steiner once in WWA and he did have a watchable match with Shinya Hashimoto. He`s good then, right? HA! Jesus, I would hope he is worthy of WWE RAW. Please God.

 

- Hey, Bill Demott gets on the stick and owns up to being A BULLY! HE`S A BULLY! Rikishi does EVERYTHING he can do to make this match not suck. Demott fights out of an armbar with punches so loose that Lance Storm would have been proud to call them his own. Demott works on the arm until Rikishi misses an avalanche. Rikishi hits a sweeet superkick and they get a big pop for Rikishi and then they do a roll-up with Demott grabbing the tights and everybody hates it. Demott loses chances for me to like him because he doesn`t stick his head directly up Rikishi`s festering ass like a MAN. Another motherfucking week where I cannot say the word ``pungent``.

 

- Torrie acting was not good. The smacking was fun. The lamp was a nice touch. Whorehound Al not in the scene actually moving keeps it down here.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest The Electrifyer]

I'm just wondering here, but why do you write words that require an apostrophe with a ` instead of a '? Not really anything important, just something different I noticed.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I'm just wondering here, but why do you write words that require an apostrophe with a ` instead of a '? Not really anything important, just something different I noticed.

I.... I do...... what?

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

- Benoit is pissed. It`s fun. The feud recap made Edge`s offense look almost credible. Benoit needed to channel Dusty Rhodes: ``My babehs back home, in pulick if you weeeill, have sacrificed... SACRIFICED... for the Canadian Dreammmmmm, Chrisbenwa. Angle- you big, you bad, lord knows you ugly but ah`m the cripplah... THE CRIPPLAH... and I`m gonna put something on you that even AJAX won`t take off! Don`t make me do it! KURT! You were a BROTHAH to me! A BROTHAH TO ME! DON`T MAKE ME DO IT!`` Then Benoit could get suspended and come out as the Midnite Rider and quote April Wine instead of the Allman Brothers. It would fucking rule. I mean fuck, it`s CHRIS BENOIT. He could read the Thunder Bay phone book and it would motherfucking rule because you know it all points to Benoit beating the fuck out of a motherfucker. What the fuck else could you want?

 

-I just had a juice box of fruit punch. I am not 8 or anything, I just find them refreshing. I don't really have anything to say here, but I just wanted to recognize the above. Well done.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Benoit is pissed. It`s fun. The feud recap made Edge`s offense look almost credible. Benoit needed to channel Dusty Rhodes: ``My babehs back home, in pulick if you weeeill, have sacrificed... SACRIFICED... for the Canadian Dreammmmmm, Chrisbenwa. Angle- you big, you bad, lord knows you ugly but ah`m the cripplah... THE CRIPPLAH... and I`m gonna put something on you that even AJAX won`t take off! Don`t make me do it! KURT! You were a BROTHAH to me! A BROTHAH TO ME! DON`T MAKE ME DO IT!`` Then Benoit could get suspended and come out as the Midnite Rider and quote April Wine instead of the Allman Brothers. It would fucking rule. I mean fuck, it`s CHRIS BENOIT. He could read the Thunder Bay phone book and it would motherfucking rule because you know it all points to Benoit beating the fuck out of a motherfucker. What the fuck else could you want?

 

 

Imagining Benoit cutting a Dusty promo--EXTREMELY fucking funny.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Bill DeMott=a sucky version of Dr. Death. There, I said it.

 

He can suck my hairy Al Wilson wanna-be pussy-stomper.

[Guest AndrewTS]

About Dean's user title:

 

Isn't it, "If a double-decker bus CRASHES into us...?"

 

I think it sounds better your way, but it's a misquote.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

So should the WWF make up shirts that say

 

(On the Front)

 

"WWAWD?"

What Would Al Wilson Do?

 

(On the Back)

 

HIT IT!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Bill DeMott=a sucky version of Dr. Death. There, I said it.

 

He can suck my hairy Al Wilson wanna-be pussy-stomper.

I always thought of him as a shittier version of Scott Norton.

 

DEAN. Armed with a tiny pussy-stomper...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

About Dean's user title:

 

Isn't it, "If a double-decker bus CRASHES into us...?"

 

I think it sounds better your way, but it's a misquote.

I actually noticed that the minute I put it in and have been meaning to change it ever since. Please note that I am the laziest hominid to ever stand erect.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

"Hold me closah Tiny Stoooompuh...count the pussay on the hiiiiiiiiighway. Lay me down like Al Wilsooooon, I had a busy day todaaaaay"

[Guest AndrewTS]

About Dean's user title:

 

Isn't it, "If a double-decker bus CRASHES into us...?"

 

I think it sounds better your way, but it's a misquote.

I actually noticed that the minute I put it in and have been meaning to change it ever since. Please note that I am the laziest hominid to ever stand erect.

 

DEAN.

Ah--since you don't post that often you'd need to PM a mod I guess.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

"Hold me closah Tiny Stoooompuh...count the pussay on the hiiiiiiiiighway. Lay me down like Al Wilsooooon, I had a busy day todaaaaay"

PURE GOLD BAY-BEE! Oh, and the new guy is Red Dog, DEAN. And also? I say Dr. Death because DeMott uses the Doctor Bomb. Not even DeMott using a DANGEROUSSSSSSSSSSSSS BAAAAAAACKDROPPPPPPPPPPAH could make me love him...Benoit used "Toothless Aggresion" and I am STOKED. Steph definately went commando. New Steph immunity test: Watch, but mute. Simple yet appealing.

[Guest HHHater]

No way, DeMott = heel Rick Steiner.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Have we seen Red Dog before? Someone I know thinks he's Angle of Da Baldies.

 

EDIT: er, ANGEL of Da Baldies--although, that is kinda funny to think of now...

[EL DANDY~! 0]

I want my Dawn/Torrie casket match now...

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Sweet fucking fuck was Benoit ever pissed off tonight? The "Throat Cut" taunt is getting to be the most over taunt in the federation bar none, so I'm expecting it to stop next week before it gets too out of hand.

 

Benoit 3:16 says you just pissed me off and now you're going to fucking die for it.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK. Benoit got the most heat tonight....

 

 

he jobs on Sunday. FUCK.

[Guest HHHater]

Benoit 3:16 says you just pissed me off and now you're going to fucking die for it.

 

Sounds like HHH 3:16.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Benoit 3:16 says you just pissed me off and now you're going to fucking die for it.

 

Sounds like HHH 3:16.

No. HHH 3:16 sounds like this...

 

"HHH 3:16 says-uh I just-uh whooped-uh upon the boss's-uh daughter's-uh ass-uh to hold-uh you-uh down-uh."