your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 2/27/2003!!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Ahhh the artless dreck that is WWE wrestling... I see that the clarity of Heyman booking was too much for this world. At least Japan is making with the giant string of good matches as of late while we await the beloved Smackdown to swirl down the crapper. But maybe I`m wrong. Maybe hope springs eternal. I`ll make a deal with you, I`ll wait till it actually starts to suck before I start whining about it. Yes, it is a fine fine deal we have made, you and I....

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Eddy and Nunzio have a nice little match. Eddy throws questionable punches as I guess this will be some kind of feud at some point. The Canadians actually chant for Eddy so his face turn is complete. HUZZAH! They have neat Eddy Guerrerro Roll-up Sequence Finish where Eddy goes over and enrages the FBI. It`s looking bad for Los Guerrerros until................. RIKISHI COMES IN! AND SAVES THE THE GUERRERROS FROM THE POSTMATCH BEAT DOWN! Rikishi`s loaded asscannon will be in Chuck`s face soon and we all weep at the possibilities of the pungent love shared between these two men. I guess this is some kind of fued. Eh, for a pointless feud, it could produce some okay matches.

 

- Benoit gives Lesnar some advice- approximating Malcom X`s ``by any means necessary`` philosophy. Next week: BENOIT HAS A DREAM!

 

- MATTITUDE! I remember the 1980s when I wore a size 34. HOLY SHIT! BENOIT vs MATT HARDY! Fuck me runnin`, yeah! Hey, Rhyno is Benoit`s partner. I never had a problem with him. Matt and Benoit in the ring together is MAGIC. Benoit sells like a king for Matt`s offense and Matt throws fabulous punches in response. Rhyno is good on the outside getting the crowd into the (too short) heat segment on Benoit. Rhino sets up Benoit`s diving headbutt- and since they both have had neck surgery, I`m assuming that Benoit will return the favor by hitting Rhyno across the spine with a tire iron. Anyway, Rhyno hits the spear on Shannon Moore and they get the pin and I`m all about these two as a tag team- especially if they are aligned with Lesnar against TEAM ANGLE.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON: Al Wilson walks along the dreary corridor of Trans-Eastern Airlines terminal after touching down in St Paul, Minnesota. The security guard eyes Al suspiciously and springs into action when Al’s Glock sets off the alarm. Al is surprised then disgusted with himself. “Fuck, how could I forget that? Jesus...” Wilson was never this sloppy and he didn’t like the tone it set for the mission. He thought how it would look if this made the news as he quickly flashed his government credentials before the guard could cause too much of a ruckus. Al understood the value of real sincerity and how it can get out of a jam. “Sorry, big man. I forgot I had it on me. You want any other identification. I know this is a difficult time for you motherfuckers.”

 

“Naw, that’s cool. Be more careful next time.”

 

“Yeah, I can dig it. I’ll get you up with one of my bitches when I come back.” Al meant it and the guard knew that he meant it.

 

The guard’s eyes light up and he whispers, “Holy fuck, you’re the MACK, Al Wilson…”

 

“Keep it on the downlow, my brother. I got business to tend before I can get up with any pleasure. But I gotcha covered soon as I finish.”

 

“Skoal, Brother.”

 

Meanwhile, across the food court-styled waiting area, a trollish and smelly little man talks into his wristwatch. “Yesssssss, massster, he issss HERE. He just walked past security.” Mull-KEY- (the third, abandoned Mulkey brother who was thrown in the river as a baby by the same mad scientist who genetically concocted the first Mulky tagteam) was taken in by Baron Von Raschke’s gentle alter-ego, the Lutheran church volunteer named Jim- a man who is buried deeply in the mind of Baron von Raschke, if he still exists at all. The Baron used his PowerWig to quickly command mull-KEY’s meager, mutated mind to do his evil bidding, turning a physically wretched yet gentle and kind creature into the twisted toad that he was currently.

 

“Excellent, mein beloved mullKEY. Stay very far away from him but do not lose site of him. You vill tell me where he is every ten minutes and zat is all you need to know.”

 

“Yessss, master….”

 

Al Wilson walks out to the Trans-Eastern luggage claim and is greeted by his government liason, Glenda Della Testerossa-a.k.a. CODENAME ULTRAVIXEN. “Hey, sport. Glad you could make it.” Glenda was an astounding redhead from Champagne, Illinois- who also happened to have more confirmed kills than your commercial plane crash. Many of them were from killing enemy government agents while she had them ``in the saddle`` as she called. Other times they wouldn’t have a smile on their faces when Glenda would feed them all the hot lead their heads could hold. No man could resist her endless charms and Al Wilson is no exception. “Goddamn, Glenda. I wish I wasn’t so fucking professional. Goddamn, you look better every time I see you.”

 

“Oh you..... I forgot how sweet you are when you`re not fucking jive turkeys up. Yeah, I heard some stuff through my sources. I heard some things about you and I was concerned. How have you been?”

 

“Ditched the wife by faking my own death- and my daughter was so distraught that she posed for Playboy three weeks later.”

 

“Damn. That’s pretty fucked up.”

 

“Yeah, to say the least. Fuck it, baby. It ain`t nothing but a thing. That`s the way of the world. You plant your flowers and they grow. In this biz you can`t dwell on that kind of shit. Hell, I`m glad she`s over it so fast. She can get on with her life without me worrying as much about her. So how you been? I mean- Goddamn- every motherfucker alive already knows how good you look. Goddamn.”

 

“ Oh, Al, cut it out. No use getting all torqued up when we’ll just have to spin our wheels without ever getting to blow our stack. Actually, I’ve been all right. Luckily, I’ve been too busy to be lonely. You know how this job gets to you. Duty over feelings. Love for country over love of anything else. You know the drill. Well before we both start busting out crying like two sunday school teacher, enough of the niceties. Lemme show you what we brought for you to drive.”

 

“Oh cool. I hope it’s the purple Challenger again. That shit was BAD.”

 

“I carry the biggest piece of that car in my purse. It’s a lot bigger than what’s left of the motherfucker I blew up in it.”

 

“Jesus.”

 

“Oh yeah. It was a mess. I think they found his molar and that was about it. So no. No purple Challenger. No SuperSport. We were thinking that the Baron is going to use a lot of manpower and use a lot of guns and a lot of deathrays and God knows what- so we decided to go big and armoured.”

 

“I don`t like where this is going. I ain’t driving no fucking SUV…”

 

“Chill out, my pet. I`m your girl. I know your sense of style is important to you doing a job well. Here we go…”

 

They approach Glenda`s hook-up for Al. ``I read in my file on you that you always had a thing for Cadillacs`` and she then motions grandly to the pristine 1972 white convertible El Dorado.

 

“Goddamn, Glenda, I can`t believe this. I want to fuck you so bad right now…”

 

``Yeah, but I might shoot you in the head out of force of habit.``

 

``Oh honey darlin... what a wonderful way to die....``

2 B CONTINUED

 

- The five minute match was a neat idea. I guess they went back to the DiBiase vs Dustin Rhodes tapes and saw that it was pretty great then. Angle is fucking GREAT in this match as YOUR NEW ARN ANDERSEN. He should have cut the ``This Is What I Do For A Living`` promo before this match. Kendrick gets waaay into his Lee Scott role and flies high over the ropes onto his head. Angle then toys with him and makes it REALLY GREAT by taunting him at 90 seconds in front of the clock. Kendrick makes his comeback and Angle sells like a fucking king before cutting him off and pinning him with 2 seconds left. Angle feigns the postmatch indie hug that I hate but Angle then does the fucking GREAT gargantuan heel assbeating of Kendricks- who bumps like a motherfucking FREAK for Angle. Angle is fucking great.

 

- Lesnar going through Haas and Benjamin to get to Angle next week is a good angle. Haas and Lesnar go all Strong Style- not running the ropes and hitting a batch of hard edged powermoves. Benjamin and Lesnar go all US Pro Style with the roprunning that`s cut off by Lesnar until Lesnar gets caught in the corner with a knee. Lesnar bumps like fucking KING over the top rope for Haas. It`s four on one as Lesnar takes the sweet baseball slide to set up Heyman hitting him with a chair. Haas hits the German for two and they work the HEAT SEGMENT on Lesnar in the rear naked choke. Haas and Lesnar work it like the Malenko Keylock spot and it RULES- though I`m astounded that Haas can still walk as awkwardly as Haas lands on his leg. Lesnar goes Suplex Crazy until TEAM ANGLE hits their Superkick- Belly to Back combo. Lesnar kicks out, Haas saves Shelton from the F-5, Brock sends haas out and F-5s Benjamin to get the win and gets Angle in the cage next week. This match fucking rocked. It`s really surprising considering how long all three have been wrestling. The big question is: WHO WILL BLEED MORE NEXT WEEK- ANGLE or LESNAR!!? Oh wait, a swerve. Heyman? That sucks. Storylinewise, it makes sense. Matchwise, I want Lesnar vs Angle in a fucking cage. That would rule. Alll in good time, my pet....

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- Vince McMahon comes out and talks a bunch about the Rock going to RAW. Then he says Hulk Hogan won`t be here and I can go along with that I guess. Then I start listening to the TV in the other room. Is that American Idol? They must be doing one of those ones where they show the singers who can`t sing. Why does my wife watch this crap? (Meanwhile, my wife is in the living room hearing Vince McMahon yammer at length and says to herself, ``Why does he watch this crap?``). Vince talks more and talks and talks. Vince talks about screwing Hogan and I like to think of both their old, unduly tanned faces grimacing- as each tries to fight the effects of years of steroids as each tries summon an erection out of their shriveled, spunkless testicles. Tenderly, Vince kisses Hulkster and the Hulkster extends his tongue deeply into the mouth of his old friend Vince- rolling and sucking like a man will suck on another man`s tongue. Hulk touches Vinces face and caresses the side of his cheek and then holds Vince`s aging hand and puts it where he wants it to go. Vince breathes a deep breath of desire as he begins to go where he has never been before and....then they go to a commercial and I know that it frustates my beloved readers when I take them this far without giving them some kind of closure. I apologize.

 

- Funaki and Torrrie take on Nidia and Jamie Noble- who have all been killed in the booking. If Nidia was in Playboy, I would actually buy it. Or download it at least. I`m sure someone would give me a secret link (though noone ever gave me the secret link to Belinda Carlisle`s Playboy spread- eventhough everyone knows that I`m really old and would be into seeing a Go-Go naked. God, I would have to go to that link. If anybody had ever found one.) Funaki and Noble have a little wrestling and then they tag and they do some stuff and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah fuck an intergender match. I watched Takeshi Rikio and Takeshi Morishima wrestling Kishin Kawabata and Diasuke Ikeda this week and it ruined me on shit like this. Plus shouldn`t somebody have their pants pulled down or something? Funaki`s thong-excrusted sweet ass should have seen the light of day, at least.

 

- God, I think Stephanie McMahon has moved out of the Jeff Gaylord stage and is moving more into a Scott Putski stage. She needs to get a perm and start throwing sloppy suplexes. She then announces that Torrrie is posing for Playboy. How lame is THAT?!?!? They should make her pose for CLUB or HUSTLER so we can at least see up her bacon-stripped cooch. I mean, really...

 

- Undertaker, master of SUBMISSION! comes to the ring. He talks a bit and it reminds of somebody.... somebody.... oh, who does he remind me of... OH YEAH! He sounds like that guy who administered the SATs at my high school. ``Please put down your number 2 pencil.`` Then A-Train comes out and Heyman reviews his stable. Then Big Show`s Theme comes out and IT ROCKS! GOD HELP ME, IT ROCKS! But then the actual big show comes out and ruins the effect. They pummel UT- nullifying his vast submission array. big show throws the WORST elbow I have ever seen, causing Nathan Jones to come out and saves the UT from too much of a concentration of bad wrestling. I`m glad they are all wrestling each other. You want all the shit in one big pile as opposed to spread all over the card. There. They get that. Groovy.

 

- Sylvain Grenier`s introduction was the best part of the Rock/Hogan footage. God, that match looked shittier than Hogan vs Ed Leslie on Nitro. If the lights would come back on and Jake the Snake Roberts or Sabu was in the ring, it would have SOOOO worked. Nope. Nope. aaaaaaand Nope. Sylvain Grenier sounded like Rick Martel- and he was AWA champion when he wrestled a five star match against Ric Flair in Japan. Broadway! Flair/Martel went Broadway. It fucking ruled. This didn`t rule. At least Micheal Cole cusses wrong a whole lot. I love that. This sucked though. It kinda keeps going for a while. Hogan did a pretty good bladejob. McMahon looks like his head has been photoshopped onto his body, which is really creepy and disturbing. Hogan yells at Stephanie- as, in his bloody haze, he assumed that she was Marty Jannety.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Brian]

Did Sylvian Genier make the 500?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Did Sylvian Genier make the 500?

Where does he wrestle?

 

DEAN.

[Guest Brian]

I have no fucking clue. I was hoping you knew if he was any good.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I have no fucking clue. I was hoping you knew if he was any good.

We prolly didn't see him if he actually wrestles in Canada, since finding Canadian indie tapes was harder than finding working naked Belinda Carlisle links the last year.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

DEAN! I swear to god, if you ever create the visual of McMahon and Hogan doin the Al Wilson... It won't be pretty...

 

"Fuck it, baby. It ain`t nothing but a thing. That`s the way of the world. You plant your flowers and they grow. "

 

^^^ Consider this stolen, sealed, wrapped, buried, dug up, and claimed as mine... ok?

[Guest Brian]

Yeah, I noticed that. I can't even find ECCW and they run shows in Washington.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Yeah, I noticed that. I can't even find ECCW and they run shows in Washington.

Those tapes have fallen off the face of the earth and those are ones I would really want to see- what with Darkness Dragon and the ilk there these days.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Brian]

I need my Tony Kozina and Adam Firestorm fill. And when's the last time they crossed the border anyways? I need to have a road trip with the rest of the Washington State Playaz.

[Guest AllCanadian]

Find 2002 ECCW here : http://www.angelfire.com/my/bluethundervideo/

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN! I swear to god, if you ever create the visual of McMahon and Hogan doin the Al Wilson... It won't be pretty...

 

"Fuck it, baby. It ain`t nothing but a thing. That`s the way of the world. You plant your flowers and they grow. "

 

^^^ Consider this stolen, sealed, wrapped, buried, dug up, and claimed as mine... ok?

Oh, feel free to take it. It's the first line of "That's The Way Of The World" by Earth Wind and Fire. A true Mack like Al would know the full breadth of the works of Earth Wind and Fire and quote them freely.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Brian]

Enevr thought to ask Mokujin Scott.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I need my Tony Kozina and Adam Firestorm fill. And when's the last time they crossed the border anyways? I need to have a road trip with the rest of the Washington State Playaz.

You saw that ECCW's own Chance Beckett is in the Super 8 this year, didn't you? You can imagine my delight. He rules!

 

DEAN.

[Guest Brian]

Chance Beckett does rule. He's like a lost treasure. Why do they train so many good workers? It makes like no sense. We're like in indy deathworld (which is probably why I'm going elsewhere to train).

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Chance Beckett does rule. He's like a lost treasure. Why do they train so many good workers? It makes like no sense. We're like in indy deathworld (which is probably why I'm going elsewhere to train).

His brother was a trainer there, if I remember correctly. With Dr Luther, I'm thinking. His name eludes me. And yeah, they produced some good wrestlers there- Adam Firestorm, Scotty Mack, chance Beckett. You should go to Tony Kozina's school. Look how good Robbie Lance turned out.

 

DEAN.

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

I hear Sylvain wrestles in Quebec.

 

I guess the lack of tapes must be a customs thing or something

[Guest Banky]

You didn't mention Cena's rhymes. I'm ashamed of you Dean. I thought you were THE source for Smackdown! reviews, but NO! I guess Scott Keith is better than you after all.

 

The nerve.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I am a broken man.

[Guest Banky]

I am a broken man.

Think about how Cena feels not being mentioned in your report.

[Zetterberg is God 0]

http://www.ncw.qc.ca/pr_sly.html. He wrestles for NCW, an indie in Québec.

[Guest Banky]

http://www.ncw.qc.ca/pr_sly.html. He wrestles for NCW, an indie in Québec.

He looks like a glazed ham.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN, I applaud you for giving me my Mack Daddy Al Wilson fix like I asked for in Rippa's report. And is Rippa gonna have the balls to actually DO a workrate report for that piece of trash? Wait, for a RAW workrate report to work, there would have to be actual WORKRATE, wouldn't there...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN, I applaud you for giving me my Mack Daddy Al Wilson fix like I asked for in Rippa's report. And is Rippa gonna have the balls to actually DO a workrate report for that piece of trash? Wait, for a RAW workrate report to work, there would have to be actual WORKRATE, wouldn't there...

RAW sounds like such a high hanging curveball when it comes to cheap jokes that I can't believe that he and Schneider can't pump one out every week. IIIII would never watch it......

 

DEAN.

[Guest Brian]

I'm still looking around and finishing out at the college. But when I do go, I'm going to run the Mr. Wrestling-style gimmick working both under a mask and without it, wrestling twice a night, two ttoally different styles (I'll do something more shooto-Malenko with one, and more lucha with the other). Right now, I'm between here (ECCW), APW, UPW, HWA, and OVW as places I'm considering. APW's still in trouble aren't they, financially?

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

“Yesssssss, massster, he issss HERE. He just walked past security.” Mull-KEY- (the third, abandoned Mulkey brother who was thrown in the river as a baby by the same mad scientist who genetically concocted the first Mulky tagteam)

 

...

 

“Yessss, master….”

So, mullKey is actually Cobra Commander?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

“Yesssssss, massster, he issss HERE. He just walked past security.” Mull-KEY- (the third, abandoned Mulkey brother who was thrown in the river as a baby by the same mad scientist who genetically concocted the first Mulky tagteam)

 

...

 

“Yessss, master….”

So, mullKey is actually Cobra Commander?

I was thinking more along the lines of Poe's HopFrog. You know, later story of revenge, the whole magilla.

 

DEAN.

[Guest oldschoolwrestling]

Hogan/Vince was some funny shit man, thanks.

 

If you want me to scan and email you the Belinda Carlisle photos let me know.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

“Yesssssss, massster, he issss HERE. He just walked past security.” Mull-KEY- (the third, abandoned Mulkey brother who was thrown in the river as a baby by the same mad scientist who genetically concocted the first Mulky tagteam)

 

...

 

“Yessss, master….”

So, mullKey is actually Cobra Commander?

I was thinking more along the lines of Poe's HopFrog. You know, later story of revenge, the whole magilla.

 

DEAN.

Not familiar, sorry. I just had the CC vibe from the "sssss"

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hogan/Vince was some funny shit man, thanks.

 

If you want me to scan and email you the Belinda Carlisle photos let me know.

I got hooked up, but thanks! Belinda needed a sammich and they say she is awash in airbrush, but would I still ply her with my pathetic ghastly love.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

DEAN.....honestly.....if you ever considered moving up to Canada I'd personally start a write-in campaign to get you elected as a political leader of some sort. Al-Wilson could be your right hand man.

 

*floats into a dream sequence involving Prime Minister DEAN Rasmussen and Deupty P.M Al "Superfuck" Wilson*