Worst possible way to use a wrestler

[Guest Redhawk]

Fans do a lot of complaining about how so-and-so is being used wrong and Vince is an idiot, but is it really that bad? Aren't there much worse gimmicks and angles WWE can come up with? For example (read: This ain't serious) ...

 

Batista -- The former Batista returns from his injury and is fired by HHH. So he gets a job at a coffee shop and becomes "Barista." His moveset is still the same, but now when he does his trademark clothesline he yells, "No decaf, bitch!" Upside: Might attract a new audience. Downside: Having to watch Barista wrestle in an apron.

 

Rey Mysterio -- Put him with Los Guerreros as their little cousin Rey Rey. He cheats little kids out of their candy, manipulates old women who he helps across the street, etc. Oh, and he loses the mask and instead dresses and acts like Joker from Next Friday. Upside: Furthers the Los Guerreros face turn by aligning them with a string babyface. Downside: His dog Chico might get hurt during Rey's entrance.

 

RVD -- Does a pothead gimmick where he forgets his lines, forgets his moves, and walks around backstage hungry all the time. He even forgets he has matches sometimes, stumbling out to the ramp after they've played his music twice wearing street clothes and stuffing gum in his mouth. Is always telling guys in the back, "Hey, let's go...um...take a break." Upside: The character would connect with lots of fans. Downside: Rob might get too "in character" every now and then.

 

The Dudley Boyz -- The three brothers go out looking for their father. It turns out to be Vince McMahon. It was him ALL ALONG! Upside: Another of those soap opera-style storylines that Vince thinks work SO well. Downside: Vince gets on TV more.

 

Kane -- Drops the mask, admits it was all a joke. He wasn't burned, he just had a really big pimple and didn't want to show anyone so he made up the whole story. And he's not really 'Taker's brother, he's his brother-in-law. Taker's sister turns out to be Terri Runnels. Upside: Provides a logical explanation for getting rid of Kane's pyro. Downside: Means we get to see Undertaker, Kane AND Terri try to act.

 

Big Show -- Develops a little-man complex. Tries to do cruiserweight moves, thinks everyone's picking on him because of his size, challenges for cruiserweight title, changes his voice to a high-pitched one, makes a big deal out of bodyslamming guys like Nunzio and Jamie Noble. Upside: Gets Show far away from the main event, gives Velocity some star power. Downside: Show might kill someone trying to do cruiserweight moves.

 

More?

[Guest JDMattitudeV1]

Kane : Gets accused of murdering Katie Vick, before cutting an incredibly lame promo about how it was an accident and how Katie had gotten drunk at a party and he had to drive her home, but he crashed the car as he didn't know how to operate a gear shift, and Katie died. it is then revealed that Kanes semen was found in Katie's body, posing the question was she rapped, did she consent or is Kane a necrophiliac?

 

I don't think anyone could top this no matter how hard they tried, so I guess Vince wins.

[Guest The Czech Republic]

Actually, I used Big Show to win the Light-Heavy belt on No Mercy. It's not a bad gimmick. I found it humorous. Michael Cole in the Women's division was equally "video game funny" and disgusting.

 

But nothing comes close to Katie Vick. Unless you count Kane busting a nut. Get it?

[Guest RevEvil]

Make Rhyno think he's an actual rhino. Have Booker T try to rape white women.

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

They don't even need to have Booker try to rape the white girls. Just have him try to pick them up and say the typical "white bitches" stuff.

[Guest griffinmills]

Batista -- The former Batista returns from his injury and is fired by HHH. So he gets a job at a coffee shop and becomes "Barista." His moveset is still the same, but now when he does his trademark clothesline he yells, "No decaf, bitch!" Upside: Might attract a new audience. Downside: Having to watch Barista wrestle in an apron.

Okay, maybe it because I spend every other day sifting through resumes and reading about how everyone and their brother were "Baristas" at Starbucks (get over yourself, you Cashier!) but I think this is the funniest thing I've seen post (posted?) in a week. Hmm, trying to contribute to the thread here though.

 

Booker T could be recreated in a "Mr. Buckwheat" role ala Saturday Night Live but that is just too implausible.

 

They could take Brock and have it be so that when he talks about "The Next Big Thing" he is talking about Jesus and god and da' bible. Usually any kind of religious thing destroys your heat.

 

Or they could do a tasteless angle where the Hurricane starts to believe he really does have super powers and "kills" himself jumping off the Titantron or some other crappy way only to ressurect days later as Paul Bearers newest "Zombie Henchman." Shit, they could have Paul carry around the urn again and Hurricane is destroying people ala Undertaker of ten years ago, doing zombiel situps and no-selling chairs/caskets/salt buckets etc. Not only would it be more unbelievable than the original Undertaker gimmick due to his size, it would be in an era of far less Kayfabe. On the filp side it is near the 7 year mark for recycling this gimmick, no?

[Guest T®ITEC]

Well, Paul Bearer's gone now, so.. Just use Paul Heyman!

 

It's utterly perfect.

[Guest Redhawk]

If they REALLY want to go somewhere with the Teddy Long/Rodney Mack angle, do this:

 

Tommy Dreamer comes out to share some "disturbing footage" with the audience. We see Chief Morley, Lance Storm, William Regal and Bubba Ray Dudley caught on F-View, beating the crap out of Rodney Mack for no apparent reason. The footage enrages the wrestlers in the back, who demand the Bischoff Administration Four be put through a kangaroo court-style trial. With Earl Hebner serving as judge, the Bischoff Four go to "court." Their defense is they beat Rodney down because he was getting violent with them and was high on PCP. Even with the video footage, they are found not guilty by an all-white jury. Pissed-off wrestlers start a riot after the verdict, tearing up locker rooms and looting concession stands and merchandise booths. Fortunately, they calm down after Rodney Mack pleads, "Can't we all just get along?"

[Guest T®ITEC]

LANCE STORM + RAYCISM~ = RATINGZ

 

 

That really is a fun idea, Redhawk.

[Guest Respect The 'Taker]

4 words...

 

Benoit as a commentator

[Guest Zero_Cool]

I actually think Benoit would do fine as a commentator. The guy could just go into arrogant and intense heel mode and use his knowledge of wrestling do the rest.

 

Now, Benoit being retooled as The Goon. Now that would do the trick, I believe.

 

Vince: He's already missing a tooth, and he's Canadian! It's perfect.

[Guest Will Scarlet]

Hurricane turns heel, and gains the evil power of mental manipulation, where he can knock his opponents unconscious by merely looking at them. He gains a newly turned henchmen Kane and goes on defeating opponent after opponent in staring contests. Finally, he meets his new archnemesis, the one man whose mind he can't manipulate, RVD, who through the power of a magical weed has learned how to escape the Hurricane's evil power. They feud for a few months with Kane turning without explanation at least 4 times, until during a big PPV match, Kevin Nash comes out and squashes all three of them, re-tearing his quad in the process.

 

Due to risk of injury, Triple H just pedigrees his opponent and pins him within the first 10 seconds of the match, burying the entire roster in the process.

 

Albert, Nidia, and Shannon Moore end up hitting their heads and waking up near a French flag. They immediately began to think they are 18th century French revolutionaries named Bonaparte, Josephine, and Robespierre, who plan to wreak terror upon the WWE, while making plans to take over Europe, and dressing in culottes. Afterall, nothing says "heel" like stereotypical French people.

 

Chris Jericho promises to bring in a hoss while JR orgasms at the thought, but instead brings out...Funaki, who has taken on a cowboy gimmick named Hoss. Hilarity ensues, Ross gets pissed, and a week later, they get buried for not being hosses.

 

Billy Kidman 20 minute interviews!

 

The Undertaker takes some time off, and after awhile, during a bra and panties match, the lights go out and on the video wall, there is elaborate Undertakerlike graphics with the words "He's coming!" This continues for a few weeks, until during a match between Nidia and Torrie Wilson, a bunch of druids come out, carrying out a casket, and from this casket rises a ghost who proclaims that "The Phenom shall return at the PPV!" At this point, EVERYONE thinks it's the Undertaker returning to his old gimmick, though no one can figure out why he is doing this during women's matches. After a few weeks of bait-and-switches, cuz you can't have a big return without them, the PPV happens, the druids roll out a casket, open it, and...AL WILSON~! pops out and cuts a long promo as only he can. He's back, and he's managing THE MACK~!. He plans on mentoring THE MACK~! on how to be the mack, so to speak. Meanwhile, I mark out until I collapse from exhaustion as I see two gods among men, THE MACK~! and AL WILSON~! together.

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

I wonder how many of vinces scripts end with "hilarity ensues"?

[Guest Redhawk]

If Raven hadn't been fired, this may have been in store for him: Whenever he's walking around backstage, people seem to call out his name. He turns around everytime, delighted that one of his fellow WWE Superstars wants to talk to him. But no, they were saying "Maven," not Raven. After a few weeks of this, Raven begins to get paranoid. Why does Maven ALWAYS seem to be around when Raven's backstage? Why is Maven so popular and he isn't? Is this all a plot by Maven to steal his name. This leads to Raven attacking Maven and costing him a match. They build the feud to a PPV, and during the feud Raven flips out upon even hearing his own name, since he assumes they're REALLY saying "Maven." At the PPV, Maven wins after cheating, then admits that it was all a setup. He set Raven up to get paranoid like that, and paid off the other superstars to talk about Maven whenever Raven was around. And as for the newly heel-turned Maven's reason? "When I first came here, I asked you one time where the men's room was...and you gave me the wrong directions!"

[Guest Raven_Effect01]

Kidman: Repackage him as Billy The Kid(as a heel), complete with a cowboy hat, clothing, a fake gun, etc., then when he says "Draw, partner!", the gun shoots out water, but his opponent still falls down during the match from the water, then Kid's horse arrives, and then he rides out of the arena. Later, he is demoted to Velocity, and Funaki, his opponent, ends up shooting Kid with the water gun, Kid falls down, and pins him. Kid is then relegated to dark matches and house shows only.

 

HHH: Have nearly the entire Raw roster(Jericho, Booker T, Goldust, RVD, Kane, Morely, Storm, 3MW, Rico, Jeff Hardy, etc.) beat HHH while he's under a new caveman gimmick. Some vignettes could be shone with HHH in a Flintstone-style set-up, with someone dressed as Barney Rubble outsmarting him every time, while Caveman H goes on a roid rage, rushes at Barney on a high land, then hits his crotch on a brontosaurus after he falls off. HHH could be going:"Me wish-uhhh I could squash-uhhh Jericho-uhhh, Kane-uhhh, and RVD-uhhhh, but me split up with Steph, and me suck!" in a pre-match promo, go "Yabba-Dabba Doooooooo-uhhh" before using a club in a match that always gets turned against him whenever he decides to use it on an opponent.

 

Then, put HHH in the Women's Division and then have Jazz beat him one week, Victoria the next, and then Trish the next week as HHH tries to sound like a woman cutting pre-match promos during that time.

 

He should then be demoted to Heat under a Jeff Hardy-style look, with the dyed hair, face and bodypaint, pants, shirt, and armbands, and he should do his mannerisms too(shaking his head while standing on the middle turnbuckle, running to the ring like a mantis) and imitate Jeff by saying "THEUS is extrayme!" in a hick accent. HHH jobs to Maven after HHH misses his version of the Swanton Bomb, and HHH is fired after that.

[Guest snuffbox]

They could have their world champion fuck a mannequin corpse on live television....er...

[Guest Caliban]

The Rock is repackaged as the new Honky Tonk Man...

 

Actually he could do a pretty good job.

[Guest evilhomer]

Albert aka A-Train aka A-Trocious - have him believe that he really is a hairy ape. He can stoop down, dragging his knuckles, scratching his armpits while going "ook ook". Bring in George The Animal Steele to act as his manager. Upside - The addition of "gorilla" moves would triple his moveset. Stooping down would mean he no longer has to raise his arms and chest like he has a pickle up his ass. Downside - We would lose the benefit of his incredible promo ability.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Big Show -- Develops a little-man complex. Tries to do cruiserweight moves, thinks everyone's picking on him because of his size, challenges for cruiserweight title, changes his voice to a high-pitched one, makes a big deal out of bodyslamming guys like Nunzio and Jamie Noble. Upside: Gets Show far away from the main event, gives Velocity some star power. Downside: Show might kill someone trying to do cruiserweight moves.

 

You stole my idea!

[Guest Brian]

Goldberg - sign him and push him

[Guest AndrewTS]

Brock -- Have him give 20 minute promos, and lose a lot more.

[Guest razazteca]

Ric Flair the personal assistant for the Champ.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Hardy Boyz - Vince finally gives the "slash" fandom the relationship they've always wanted.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Gail Kim - Stick her with the charismaless black hole of heat, Billy "the one move that keeps me somewhat over is the one I fuck up constantly" Kidman. Or make her an evil foreigner who hangs with Tajiri and Funaki.

 

Scott Steiner -- A wrestler who does his own color commentary. Witness him vs. Ric Flair, "*puff, puff* HOW YA LIKE THAT YA YELLOW CROOKED TOOTHED OLD BASTARD!?" Or posing while commenting "BIG POPPA PUMP IS YOUR HOOKUP, WITH THE MOST MESMERMIZING FAZIQUE INDA BIZNESS!!"

 

After a month of this, set up a rematch with HHH--in an Iron Man Match.

 

Cena -- Return him to his "Ruthless Aggression" vanilla face character, complete with 1001 pastel tights.

 

Nathan Jones -- He becomes Skinhead Headhunter, an evil genius (?) who captures black men and reinacts "The Most Dangerous Game" from his island headquarters. However, if he had one fued a month they'd run out of fueds in about 5 months.

 

Bradshaw -- He becomes the Tom Cruise version of Stan Hensen. He'd always be caught in awkward positions with rookies like Chris Nowinski, then try to weasel out of it, claiming "I'm NOT GAY!!"

 

However, he gets a bit of a lisp, wears tight leather chaps, and uses a triangle as a weapon, so it doesn't seem very convincing.

[TheOriginalOrangeGoblin 0]

Have Big Show continue giving gifts to Taker and then one last one at WM. Taker opens the box and Tenacious Z comes out. Taker beats him up and rips off his prosthetic leg and beats him with, before hitting the Last Ride on the one legged man. While thisi s happening have JR take over on commentary and blab about how "he's a one legged man in ass kicking contest".

 

Sad thing is I actually thought this could've happened a little while ago.

[TheOriginalOrangeGoblin 0]

EDIT: ASorry double post

[Guest Crazy Dan]

The WWE could push HHH to the moon. Where they think a slow and plodding move set will put fans in the seats. He will be unbeatable, as any new and vastly more interesting face will get the honor of getting squashed and humiliated in any match with HHH. Also, the WWE will give him one of the greatest wrestlers as his manager, who will give way more exciting promos than HHH gives. And HHH in real life will be banging the owners daughter, ensuring that he will be around for many more years to come.

 

Wait, the WWE is already doing this. I wonder how long Vinnie Mac will continue to be in HHH denial. Because, HHH sucks and is a big reason why ratings are starting to decline big time.

[Guest Redhawk]

Hardcore Holly -- Tired of being stuck in the midcard (or left off the card altogether), Bob Holly decides to push the envelope. His new persona: Hardcore Porn Holly. Basically it's Val Venis' old gimmick, except Hardcore Porn Holly is not only an adult film star, he produces, writes, directs and sells porn movies. Before every match he either tells a Val Venis-like joke, or comes out with an armful of tapes, selling them for $10 a pop. Upside: Gives the show "attitude;" pushes the limits. Downside: Listening to Bob Holly try to tell jokes.

[Guest evilhomer]

Ric Flair the personal assistant for the Champ.

And don't allow the trademark "WHOOOOO!!!"

[Guest MillenniumMan831]

Crash Holly: Moves to Raw and bumps into Ric Flair who takes him under his wing. It is then revealed that Crash is a 16-Time Hardcore Champion, Wooooo! Naturally (get it?), Flair dubs him "The Hardcore Nature Boy" and grooms him to challenge HHH for the World Heavyweight Championship.

 

Oh, but wait! Isn't he also managing HHH?!? Well, that slipped Flair's mind so he's in a neutral corner for the title match on Raw at 9:34. HHH hits the Pedigree :26 into the match for the 1-2- . . . WAIT! Lil Natch Charles Robinson is the ref! Instead of the finger, HHH gets woooooed!!! After 5 minutes of HHH staring at Robinson with INTENSITY, Crash rolls up HHH for a one-count. HHH recovers, hits another pedigree, and Stephanie McMahon runs in to count the 1-2-3, despite having Smackdown authority.

 

Postmatch sees two guys in white tag Crash's toe, while Stephanie double-clotheslines Flair/Robinson with her flab. HHH/Stephanie proceed to cut a promo for an hour and twenty minutes to end the show on a high note and it went like this.

 

HHH: I AM . . . THE GAME . . . UHHHHH . . . AND . . . YOU DON'T UHHH . . . WANT . . . TO PLAY . . . ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stephanie: YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! HUNTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!