your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 3/27/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

The War rages on and I`m assuming that every man with a living soul is bouncing between newsites at work all day trying to get the latest updates. I personally bring it around the horn every hour on the hour at the breaking news section at Arts and Literature Daily (http://aldaily.com) and thus my general mood swings between being euphorically hopeful to being horrendously depressed as each update comes in. As I am sure it is for you, it`s been a draining week and I`m deeply hating every fucking idiot around me and on the internet for no real reason on earth and I need to chill out- so for two hours, I shall watch the most useless form of the Professional Wrestling- WWE- and try to crack as many bad jokes as I can muster. I do this for you. I do this for me. Let`s us have a good time in fellowship together....

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- THEEEE BIG SHOOOW! Fuck yeah! What a SONG! What absolutely gorgeous entrance music. A-Train`s theme blows goats blowing dogs because it doesn`t allow us to hear the rest of the Big Show`s fucking awesome theme. So FUCK A-TRAIN. I don`t care if he is perfectly fine in the ring. Fucking shitty entrance music cutting off THE ONLY ENTRANCE MUSIC THAT FUCKING MATTERS. FUCK HIM AND HIS SHITTY SUB-KROKUS ENTRANCE MUSIC! A-Train sells the chops of Benoit but doesn`t sell anything else very well. Big Show is just absolutely fucking awful. What a fat useless mountain of shit. Benoit TRIES to make Mt Rushmore out of a festering pile of dogshit that is the Big Show but Benoit isn`t ACTUALLY Jesus Christ. Probably isn`t. A-Train tags in and at least Benoit has something to work with. A-Train has that fun Gorey Special Drop and the HEAT SEGMENT is in full effect. Benoit suplexes to TRANSITION! The hot tag is pretty heated and Rhyno is fun beating on A-Train. Rhyno once again bumps big for no reason and then they remember that they have to set up the worst tag match since that Nikolai Volkov/ Iron Shiek vs the Bushwackers match at Heroes of Wrestling. What am I saying, this will be INFINITELY worse than the match at Heroes of Wrestling. Welcome to scraping in by the skin of your teeth.

 

- Rey Rey comes out to the ring and I automatically put him in the Worked Column. Hey, it`s Brian Kendrick. Nuts, I thought they were going to wrestle each other. AH COOL! MATT HARDY! He is a true motherfucker of professional wrestling! FUCK YEAH! Shannon Moore is an MFer and I CAN ONLY WONDER if he will allow Kendrick to outbump him. Awesome, they steal the CRAZY MAX dropkick Giant Swing. Matt and Rey Rey are GOLD in the ring. The highflying powerbomb assist is nice by TEAM MATTITUDE. Matt hits the fucking GNARLEY Black Tiger Bomb on Kendrick and we weep. Rey makes the hot tag and he is awesome bringing the house afire. I loved the multi-sectioned double teams that lead up to the wacky ending. Postmatch, MATT is awesome looking all crazy at Rey. Matt Hardy fucking rules. So does Rey Misterio Jr. I can see Kendrick and Hardy having some ass-stomping matches in the near future.

 

- John Cena effectively uses a Mr Miagi reference so he starts here. He may move down yonder after the match. (Later, Rasmussen comes back to this as the match starts.) Turdwellian was confused. ``Why are we here? The monitors on the ship seemed to point to Cena wrestling Brock Lesnar?`` Dr Poo turned to his Ass Captain, ``Yes, it would appear that Cena is going to try to use Rikishi and Grand Ass Of Rikishi to set up a match with Lesnar.`` Turdwellian was puzzled. He had the finest vessel in the ass fleet. Rikishi`s ass was the largest, most powerful, most pungent- but it looked like he was being ordered to reel in his giant ass- and this made Turdwellian distraught. He is brought out of his funk by the exclamation, ``He`s got us in a SLEEPER, SIR!``

 

``Okay, McShite! LARAIT! and ASS-CANNON! Dr Poo! FULL RAMMIN SPEED!``

 

``What fragrance,sir? We are about to Stinkface...``

 

Turdwellian quickly thought of the perfect scent to conjure in the fat stinky ass of Rikishi, ``Dumpster at a chicken processing factory filled with mackeral chum in July.``

 

McShite perked up, ``That`ll be a stink he`ll ne`er forget, m`captain.``

 

Turdwellian smiled at the putridness and settled into the rest of Rikishi doing the job, knowing that he had commandeered this ass like the great commander that he was.

 

Death Valley Driver by Cena gets him the pin and he challenges Lesnar to come out and he wanders off and finds Brock. Lesnar beats the life out of him but Angle bashes Brock with a 2 by 4 and there you go. I am already tired of hearing ``word-life``.

 

- I like it better when Kurt is evil and funny instead of so shoot-interviewy. Still worked. Not enough to make me go to a sports bar, but it worked.

 

- Baron Von Rashke looked up from his videoscreen and the look of disgust wasn`t veiled at all. ``Al Vilson has killed a good and faithful zervant. You vill pay, my cunning zex machine opponent.`` The Baron fought back a tear for his faithful companion and spent a few minutes walking around his underground laboratory, memories flooding his head as he remembers saving MullKEY from the certain death the Gladiators had devised for him- throwing his mutated form in the St Paul river, how he nursed him back to health, how he taught him everything he knew. Thoughts came back to his wife, who had fled from him to a woman`s shelter when jim Von Raschke`s insanity had become complete. ``Ze only woman I could ever love thinks me a MADMAN. My companion- the closest thing I have ever had to a son- is now dead. ZERE. ZERE were the only two things that have kept ANY part of me civil and human. I have had enough. Zere vill be no mercy. Zere vill be no compassion. Zere will only be pain. Zere vill only be AGONY! AL VILSON, I now unleash on you my most evil and hellish force- MY MASTERPIECE of BRILLIANCE! YOU VILL FEEL MY MIGHT! YOU VILL SHUTTER IN FEEEEEEEAR as you LOOK at ze FACES AND FORMS OF.....wait...`` The Baron quickly puts on his cape and monocle to make sure he was truly in his moment of RENEWAL, his phoenix-like ascent from the ashes of his own self-doubt and insecurity. He punches in the code to instantly thaw out two figures that rise out of the cryogenic chambers in the floor. The light dances off the glitter of hats and metallic skin. The light dances off the glitter of their vests. ``Yes, you zwarmy needle-dicked motherfugga, YOU, AL VILZON, will not LIVE long enough to regret the day you first faced THE HELL AND FURY... OF THIS!.....MY MINIONS! MY DEATHDEALERZZZ! YES, IT IS THE GLORY OF THE MECHA-JIVETONES!``

 

- Los Guerrerros and TEAM ANGLE do that professional wrestling that I enjoy so much. Oh, it took me half the match to figure out that this is singles match. Haas does the fun Hotshot Across The Arm and then works more on the arm. I loved the Steven Regal lifting by the bad arm spot. The crowd gets behind Eddy as he is selling the armbar and you and I both love the psychology of the wrestling match. Eddy covers for a blown rana and gets facebusted. Eddy sells the arm and gets the flashpin to put an end to a cool wrestling match. I dug how they wrestled it as tag wrestlers- with Eddy getting the long HEAT SEGMENT~! and everything, but the flashpin taking the place of the hot tag. Odd conceptualization of a singles match to build up a tag match. If they allude to Haas hurting the shoulder in the tag match Sunday, it will have been something neat and DEEP psychologically.

 

- Nathan Jones doesn`t actually wrestle on my TV tonite? Fuck yeah.... It`s like not getting kneed in the groin. A regular Get Out Of Watching Shitty Wrestling Free card.

 

- Nidia is a fun little wrestler- nice punches. Torrie is the white Slam Dunk. Nidia leans into the swinging DDT like a FREAK. Sure, up here.

 

- Shelton Benjamin and Chavo square off. Benjamin is good. He works on the leg and his offense looks all credible and shit. Chavo sells the leg. I LOVED the Backbreaker with the Knee replacing the Back. Then Benjamin does that cool as Indian Deathlock-cum-Nagata Lock and Benjamin should definately go completely Malenko on our asses. I love this match because of how well it compliments the other match. Benjamin is a niftier wrestler so this is a niftier match. Chavo does the cool ass counters to the Dragon Screw. They have shenanigans with Charlie and Eddy and Chavo hits the sweet La Majistral. Postmatch, they attack Los Guerrerros with belts, Benoit and Rhyno storm the ring and this match and the Rey/Matt match are what I would want to see on this PPV.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- Did I ever tell you that Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon wrestling each other doesn`t fascinate me? Well, let me tell you, I do appreciate it that they spend a lot of time on this. The time that they use building up this festering mutated turd of a match allows me quality time with my youngsters. Tonight we made oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies. And boy were they good. Mmmmmmm oatmeal.... I think I`ll go write that Al Wilson segment that you already read/skipped over.

 

- They have ANOTHER McMahon vs Hogan segment and I think I`ll proofread this whole thing. The cool thing about McMahon training is that it is nice that he finally got to wrestle since his father forbade him to become a wrestler when he was a kid. You should pay $39.95 to see it. I think I would rather pay someone 40 bucks to grab my nipples and fall down backwards.

 

- Jamie Noble is no fucking redneck. A redneck would much rather throw some jitter into a big-butted dark-haired hellcat than stir the stinky stew with the dried out, fake tittied, bleached blond stripper at JB`s Gallery of Girls. Noble is turning into a Hamden-Sydney frat boy who beer bongs lite beer and subscribes to Maxim magazine. Imagine my chagrin. What the FUCK was that hideous get-up she was wearing to her PRESS CONFERENCE~! ?

 

- I keep continuing to not give a shit about Sean O`Haire. So what, is he a wrestler or something? Or is he Cyrus 2003? Is he the NEW MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK? Nouvelle Mantaur? A whitebread Salvator Sincere? The lost, tall Bodydonna? Hook a brother up with your mad phat knowledge.....

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Banky]

Finally.....

 

Propping Cena.

 

Word Life

 

Word Life

 

Word Life

 

Word Life

[Guest CED Ordonez]

3/27/2003: mark it in the history books. DEAN mentions John Cena

[Guest Banky]

3/27/2003: mark it in the history books. DEAN mentions John Cena

Word Life.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

You've said some pretty whacky things in this workrate report DEAN...

 

Benoit NOT being Jesus...

 

Baron shedding a tear when we all know he has an ice-cold interior...

 

This INSANE love for Big Shows music...

 

But what really insulted me... What really made me SICK of reading your damned workrate reports was this...

 

"Torrie is the white Slam Dunk."

 

Torrie is no Slam Dunk, good sir. Lana Starr MAYBE. But Slam Dunk? Oh no. She doesn't have the leg drop, she doesn't have the fire in her belly, she doesn't have the raw charisma that Lady Dunk had... So I will ask you nicely... Take it back... Take it back dammit... TAKE...IT...BACK!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

You've said some pretty whacky things in this workrate report DEAN...

 

Benoit NOT being Jesus...

 

Baron shedding a tear when we all know he has an ice-cold interior...

 

This INSANE love for Big Shows music...

 

But what really insulted me... What really made me SICK of reading your damned workrate reports was this...

 

"Torrie is the white Slam Dunk."

 

Torrie is no Slam Dunk, good sir. Lana Starr MAYBE. But Slam Dunk? Oh no. She doesn't have the leg drop, she doesn't have the fire in her belly, she doesn't have the raw charisma that Lady Dunk had... So I will ask you nicely... Take it back... Take it back dammit... TAKE...IT...BACK!

I'm... I'm sorry to disparage the good name of Slam Dunk.

 

She was no Riot. No she wasn't.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

And Riot was no Jungle Grrrl! Damn you Players and your Riot obsession! WHEN WILL IT STOP!

[Guest AndrewTS]

- Nathan Jones doesn`t actually wrestle on my TV tonite? Fuck yeah.... It`s like not getting kneed in the groin. A regular Get Out Of Watching Shitty Wrestling Free card.

 

Yeah, but wait until next week...oh, just you wait until next week...

 

- I keep continuing to not give a shit about Sean O`Haire. So what, is he a wrestler or something? Or is he Cyrus 2003? Is he the NEW MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK? Nouvelle Mantaur? A whitebread Salvator Sincere? The lost, tall Bodydonna? Hook a brother up with your mad phat knowledge.....

 

He's one of the shitty members of the Natural Borne Thrillers who was shipped off to OVW to become more HOSSARIFFIC!~ (i.e. plod more, stop doing anything interesting like his awkward Swanton Bomb). So he's basically a shitty wrestler with not much acting ability trapped in a gimmick that would have worked so much better on the right worker. Apparently he's so lousy a wrestler that WWE won't even give him a match, and when that happens you know some one is the absolute fucking pits.

[Guest Banky]

- I keep continuing to not give a shit about Sean O`Haire. So what, is he a wrestler or something? Or is he Cyrus 2003? Is he the NEW MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK? Nouvelle Mantaur? A whitebread Salvator Sincere? The lost, tall Bodydonna? Hook a brother up with your mad phat knowledge.....

 

He's one of the shitty members of the Natural Borne Thrillers who was shipped off to OVW to become more HOSSARIFFIC!~ (i.e. plod more, stop doing anything interesting like his awkward Swanton Bomb). So he's basically a shitty wrestler with not much acting ability trapped in a gimmick that would have worked so much better on the right worker. Apparently he's so lousy a wrestler that WWE won't even give him a match, and when that happens you know some one is the absolute fucking pits.

Mark Jindrak?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

And Riot was no Jungle Grrrl! Damn you Players and your Riot obsession! WHEN WILL IT STOP!

Oh come on. You can't tell me that you didn't fancy young Riot. Or Roxie Powers. Or didn't get way too excited about Lana Star showing on Cinemax After Dark.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Ok, I'll give you Lana Star, I couldn't resist her potent powers of porn.

 

Bronco Billie OWNED Roxie in da bootie dept.

 

DEAN, we live very different lives you and I. You're a father, a husband, a man who writes of Barons, and Sex Spies, and Poo... You are weighted down by responsibility. Responsibility that I cannot even begin to imagine. All the troubles in this world seem all that more troublesome because you have some things and some ones on the line. You need the escape that a lady like Riot provides. A woman to break the everyday malaise that the young DEAN RASMUSSEN who is trapped in the dark recesses of your mind hates. Riot is the personification of civil disobedience and a part of you is attracted to that. Me, I'm young and carefree, I see Riot not as a fantasy but as a cold reality. A reflection of my Generations desire to destroy. A cruel reminder that peace and tranquillity is a thing only written in songs.

 

A young man like myself can only find satisfaction in one thing, and one thing only... The sweet cold air that brings about Calientes perky personae.

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

Noble is turning into a Hamden-Sydney frat boy who beer bongs lite beer and subscribes to Maxim magazine.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

OK Deano I've been a big supporter of you since I've subscribed to this here board but as an ex-HamPden-Sydney (until I figured my 19k a year would be better of spent elsewhere) football player (still better than frat boy, but c'mon) I would like a retraction of that statement. At least change it to "Washington & Lee" (more effeminate) or Emory and Henry (rednecks on parade).

 

Besides, I subscribe to Maxim AND Stuff and bong real beer, thank you very much.

[Guest Banky]

I don't think enough people kiss DEAN's ass....

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

You're absolutely right Bankster. More people should.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

It's absolutely amazing how the WWE can fuck up angle after angle, and like how they can only do a McMahon/Hogan segment that works when I, the wrestling fan, could care less.

 

I want to see Rey/Ultimo Dragon already. And if CIMA AND SUWA come to the WWE because Kendrick and Rey Rey stole their double team, look for me to jump for joy. One can only dream.

 

And Chris Benoit is closer to Moses than he is to Jesus Christ.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Noble is turning into a Hamden-Sydney frat boy who beer bongs lite beer and subscribes to Maxim magazine.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

OK Deano I've been a big supporter of you since I've subscribed to this here board but as an ex-HamPden-Sydney (until I figured my 19k a year would be better of spent elsewhere) football player (still better than frat boy, but c'mon) I would like a retraction of that statement. At least change it to "Washington & Lee" (more effeminate) or Emory and Henry (rednecks on parade).

 

Besides, I subscribe to Maxim AND Stuff and bong real beer, thank you very much.

I retract the Hampden-Sydney comment and insert Randolph-Macon College as the Virginia private men's college to recieve my derision.

 

DEAN. VCU Alumni.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Bronco Billie OWNED Roxie in da bootie dept.

RRR, you have GOT to be shitting me. Roxie's booty RULED ALL.

 

And I do miss how Caliente had perma-hard nickles.

 

DEAN.

[Guest goodhelmet]

Oh come on. You can't tell me that you didn't fancy young Riot. Or Roxie Powers. Or didn't get way too excited about Lana Star showing on Cinemax After Dark.

 

DEAN.

I was too busy watching Emmanuel on Showtime at three in the morning.

 

As I eagerly read your reports, Dean, it strikes me... after Sunday, Angle will be referred to fondly in the past tense. And the WWE and your reports will sorely be lacking. I dread the day.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Oh come on.  You can't tell me that you didn't fancy young Riot.  Or Roxie Powers. Or didn't get way too excited about Lana Star showing on Cinemax After Dark.

 

DEAN.

I was too busy watching Emmanuel on Showtime at three in the morning.

 

As I eagerly read your reports, Dean, it strikes me... after Sunday, Angle will be referred to fondly in the past tense. And the WWE and your reports will sorely be lacking. I dread the day.

Oh come on, Lana Star lesbianically having a naked food fight on a distant planet? What else could you want from your softcore pornography?

 

And it will deeply suck when Angle hangs it up after Sunday.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

It was like she was perpetually pointing at you... to come and have sex with... her.

 

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Actually, I come across (HAHAHAHAHA) episodes of WOW whenever I'm scrounging tapes for old episodes of SCTV or the Simpsons to watch and the underrated looker of the WOW contingent was Charlie Davidson of Thug's gang. God, she makes a grown cry.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Patti Pep (or Pizzazz...........) was foxy IIRC

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Patti Pep (or Pizzazz...........) was foxy IIRC

She was hotter as the evil Pizzazz, but I'd comically disappoint either of her personas with my aging love if it really came down to it. The evil cheerleader gimmick was like the healthiest bizarre fixation that David McLane had. The fact he had two women dress up as auto mechanics shows a doorway to a fetish that no normal person wants to explore.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

*sniff*

 

I wanna be a perverted wrestling promoter...

 

 

Hello ladies

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

You know, when the WWE starts getting really bad, I'll just read Dean's ongoing Al Wilson novella and skip the rest of the report.

[Guest AndrewTS]

It's absolutely amazing how the WWE can fuck up angle after angle, and like how they can only do a McMahon/Hogan segment that works when I, the wrestling fan, could care less.

 

I want to see Rey/Ultimo Dragon already. And if CIMA AND SUWA come to the WWE because Kendrick and Rey Rey stole their double team, look for me to jump for joy. One can only dream.

 

And Chris Benoit is closer to Moses than he is to Jesus Christ.

If this were a couple years ago and he had led His People out of the evil land known as WCW to the promised land, yes.

 

However, it's no longer the promised land, and half of the Radicals are no longer on TV or working with the company.

[Guest Goodear]

DEAN~! won't be happy with me today again... since OMG I loved this show. Yes indeed, there is nothing better than a good old SmackDown after missing a week do to the March of War (everyone should rewatch South Park: BL & U right now... the political ramifications just get better and better as it ages).

 

- THEEEE BIG SHOOOW!

 

Oh man, that upcoming tag match is gonna SUCK. When Undertaker and A-Train aren't the worse guys on their tag teams you just know that the crap will flow. Nathan Jones is so bad he wishes he punches could reach the level of suck. Anyway, this tag match was fun for me with Benoit bumping his ass off for a headbut of all things to give Show that Andre feel for the first time forever. And I always love A-Train's offense when he breaks out wacky crap like the Guerrero special... but no Muscle Buster this week gives me a sad face =-(

 

- Rey Rey comes out to the ring and I automatically put him in the Worked Column. Hey, it`s Brian Kendrick. Nuts, I thought they were going to wrestle each other. AH COOL! MATT HARDY! He is a true motherfucker of professional wrestling!

 

This match was great if only because I was online at the time and one guy was all "BAH! Me hate WWE~! IT ALL SUCK!" And I'm all, "Oh yeah, BuckO? I'm about to watch me some Rey Mysterio and some Matt Hardy. Tell me that it sucks! YOU CAN'T~!" And then I enjoyed my happy little life of watching sweet ass double teams and a hell of a BlackTiger Bomb... and then I laughed once more. Sometimes, life is good.

 

- John Cena effectively uses a Mr Miagi reference so he starts here.

 

Cena pulled his act up a gear being all ruthless and angry and stuff like that. I particularly liked the ring barrier crush and the DVD. Rikishi did a pretty good bit of work hear doing the job but you could tell his heart wasn't in the stinkface... its like he half assed it ... wokka wokka wokka.

 

- Los Guerrerros and TEAM ANGLE do that professional wrestling that I enjoy so much.

 

The Team of Angle is improving by pulling out the wacky submissions out of their asses at a pretty regular interval. But the thing about them is that they really don't grab your attention to well. My mind wanders to thoughts of cake during their matches a little bit too much.

 

- Nidia is a fun little wrestler- nice punches. Torrie is the white Slam Dunk. Nidia leans into the swinging DDT like a FREAK. Sure, up here.

 

Nidia is a fun bumper, but she could use a little help on the offense. Granted getitng beaten by Torrie every week doesn't really help you do that.

 

- Did I ever tell you that Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon wrestling each other doesn`t fascinate me?

 

But its 20 YEARS IN THE MAKING!!! You know, the problem with this match is that they don't dedicate enough promo time to it. Let's make another even dozen and everyone will be dying to see it!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Ah Goodear, these are trying times. How can I quibble with anything that helps a brother get through the day? With peace will come the return of the angry Goodear.

 

DEAN.

[The Dames 0]

Holy shit...people who watch WOW.

 

I have the WOW PPV on tape. It's so bad, it's good.

 

Riot rules you with her unsafe powerbombs and swank pyro (w/baseball bat).

 

Dames

[Guest Goodear]

I'm starting to think I'm just a happier guy than I used to be. This is like 5 strait weeks of loving spoonful.