Hot Shit Wresting EWR Diary

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Another suggestion, reform 3Count

 

Theres a guy called The Hurricane Kidd available if u cant get Helms

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Another suggestion, reform 3Count

 

Theres a guy called The Hurricane Kidd available if u cant get Helms

Too bad this isn't the XPW diary. He could have put Lizzy, Veronica and another girl together as 3C*nt.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Goddamm we are a sick bunch, arent we

[Guest Zack Malibu]

We are, but somehow it drives Deacon to work harder.

 

Let's keep 'em coming.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Heh. Hire Mike Rotundo under the IRS moniker, but have him accompanied by his younger, hot cousin (one of the random females). Take their relationship a little further (or at least hint at it) and you've got Mike Rotundo:Incestment Broker!

[Guest the 1inch punch]

a think a paedophile character would be going a bit far...........

[Guest Zack Malibu]

a think a paedophile character would be going a bit far...........

Not THAT young, 1 Inch.

 

Sheesh, we're not THAT sick. Rotundo is like 40 something in the game, so pair him with one of the 21 year old chicks.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

3C*nt's a little too much for my taste as is the IRS screwing his cousin thing. But he could pimp her out to other wrestlers and then form a tag team with the Gofather called the Incestment Brokers.

 

Random Menudo people attacking Ricky Marvin is gold. I'm thinking I might do another reboot when EWR 4.0 comes out (that way I can reset the HSW to easy and not have to worry about getting fired or going bankrupt for bad shows) and might be able to work them in if I do that.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

I think we were just getting carried away with how sick we could get, Deacon. Though I'm glad I've seemingly struck gold with Random Menudo vs. Ricky Marvin.

 

Other possibilities include:

 

Nikita Koloff harboring a terrible secret, and re-debuting as La Femme Nikita Koloff. Gay Russians=Ratings.

 

An idea I was running with during the short-lived EWR Challenge you were also a part of: Hire Kubiak and play off his namesake, the character from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. Of course now he's the guy on ER, but we can just forget about that and live in the past, can't we?

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

I too have had the Kubiak idea, but I thought it was a bit too obscure to base a whole gimmick around.

 

I think I've done a Le Femme Nikita Koloff joke before and I could bring in a random female jobber and say she is Koloff after a sex change. Again, these ideas might take a while to get to fruition.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Yeah, I don't expect them to formulate immediately, Deacon. Just tossing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks for you.

[Guest La Marka]

A mind wiped Terry Funk is shown curled up in a corner in the fetal position, drooling and playing with string. He notices the camera and screams “pudding makes my tummy tingle” then goes back to playing with his string.

Segment Rating: 77% (sorrowfully this was the highest rated segment of the show)

Maybe his empty mind accidentally channelled the still-injured but much-missed Supreme?

 

Supreme.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Decent guess there La Marka, I actually have an idea that will play off of a Supreme connection coming soon.

[Guest The Superstar]

Whoa, this thing dropped off the page.

 

 

Frost is Party.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

I know it’s been awhile since my last update, but I’ve been lazy. Yeah, I’ve just been lazy. I’ve started a new job though this week (working for a Dr. Frost oddly enough) and I got hooked into a 1986 scenario for EWR. There are a few wonky things about it, but you can’t beat doing main event tag matches with Curt Hennig and Rick Rude vs. Owen Hart and Eddie Guerrero. I’m running the AWA, right before Larry Zybsko married Verne’s daughter and screwed the fed over. You know, Larry Z and Triple H wrestled a lot on Worldwide when Hunter first came up, I can just imagine the pointers he gave him.

 

HSW Steaming Funk for Wednesday July 23rd 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

 

Meet the New Boss Same as the Old Boss Tag Partners Fight Singles Match

The Nitroglycerin Kid vs Bobby Eaton:

Amateur-style takedown from Bobby Eaton, capitalising on that *huge* demand for amateur wrestling that we see every day. Suplex into a front slam from Eaton, but the execution was crap. Cover for a two count. The Nitroglycerin Kid ducks a clothesline attempt. Kick from The Nitroglycerin Kid to the leg. Second rope flying axe handle, Eaton goes down. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on Eaton, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. The Nitroglycerin Kid hits a rolling kick on Eaton. Eaton blocks a punch. Sloppy short range spear from Bobby Eaton. There's a two count on the pin. Face-first suplex from Eaton. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Bobby Eaton snap suplexes Kid...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Leg trip from Bobby Eaton. Bobby Eaton misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Spin kick by The Nitroglycerin Kid to the face. Springboard dropkick from The Nitroglycerin Kid. Nicely done. Stan Lane comes running down the aisle with a chair! Eaton goes to irish whip The Nitroglycerin Kid into the ropes. Sweet Stan prepares to swing the chair...but The Nitroglycerin Kid reverses! Sweet Stan accidentally smacks Eaton with a chair to the back! Bobby Eaton can barely stand. Spinning DVD! 1....2....3. Midnight Express are beating down on The Nitroglycerin Kid! The music of Davey Man Smith hits, and he comes running down the aisle into the ring. Eaton and Sweet Stan bail out of the ring, leaving The Nitroglycerin Kid down in the ring. Davey Man Smith may have saved The Nitroglycerin Kid from a brutal beating. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winner: The Nitroglycerin Kid

(The Nitroglycerin Kid had Sophie do an “Armstrong Curse Eat a Bag of Dicks” dance and it looks like it purified his soul as well as the water in the back since our Britta busted. That’s not the kid’s only DVD variation, he also has the “still in the case DVD,” “I got this out of the $5.88 bin at Wal-Mart DVD” and the “I traded a six pack of Pabst for this copy of Hooper on DVD.”)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 72%

 

Deacon is marking off the days until the Olsen Twins turn 18 on the calendar in his office when Giant Gonzalez brings Weird Al Yankovich in. Weird Al is ready for his big match with the Fat Boys tonight. He’s already got his gear one. Deacon says puzzled, “Uh…Al, you’re wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of slacks with a mustard stain down the leg.” Al gives a thumbs up, “That’s our tag team name, those Guys in Loud Shirts and I’m hoping the mustard stain will distract the Fat Boys into thinking I have a sandwich in my pocket and we can surprise them while distracted.” Yeah, speaking of your tag team partner, who is he. Without further ado, Weird Al brings in his partner. “He’s the meanest, orneriest, toughest, craziest SOB I could find…EMO PHILLIPS!” Phillips wanders in looking like he just smoked his lunch with Austin Lee. Deacon asks Phillips if he understands that he’s going up against two fat, scary black guys. Emo ponders this long enough to let paint dry, “You don’t say…just how big…how black…and how…scary?” Weird Al says, “Remember the guy we had playing the cameraman in UHF? They make that dude look like Billy Barty.” Emo nods, “That’s pretty big…” Deacon goes to speak, but is cut off “pretty black…” Deacon goes to speak again “and pretty scary. I’m going to go call my mother and notify her…of where…to spread my ashes.” Emo and Weird Al leave. Deacon pulls out a bottle of Old Granddad out of his desk and starts drinking straight from the bottle. “This situation can’t get any worst.” Gonzalez shakes his head, “Boss, don’t speak too soon, they have Judy Tenuta waiting out in the car.”

Segment Rating: 74%

 

Hey Baby Let’s go Back to my Place, the 45C Runs by Here in Ten Minutes Singles Match

“Pussy Magnet” Chris Nowinski vs “Carless” Mark Jindrak:

Chris Nowinski strikes Mark Jindrak. Jindrak gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Powerslam from Chris Nowinski on Jindrak. Chris Nowinski scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Chris Nowinski ducks a Jindrak clothesline and does a quick roll up. Nowinski has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Barry Windham comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! Nowinski turns...and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! Barry Windham has left Nowinski down and bloodied. This one gets * rating and likes it.

Winner: Chris Nowinski

(Short match. Either Nowinski wants to get to the strip club while they’re still running the two for one deal on lap dances or Jindrak left a cab outside with the meter running. Windham hits Jindrak with the chair too for good measure. He let Jindrak sleep in the back of his truck a couple of nights and he crapped all over his tailgate. Jindrak swears it was Grandma Windham. Barry says she said it wasn’t her and Grandma wouldn’t lie, well…except for that time they came by looking for Nazi war criminals, but grandpa was out coon hunting that day anyway.)

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Chris Nowinski limps to the back from the chair shot Windham gave him. Sandman is hanging out and smashing open a jar of martini olives with the Gonad Whacker. Nowinski asks him if he can see the bat for a second. Oh no, that’s how Sandman got it in the first place; he’s not falling for that line. Besides, the Gonad Whacker is his only friend (everybody sigh). Nowinski tells him that in trade for using the Gonad Whacker he’ll talk Lady Victoria into reproducing the booze licking scene from “Leaving Las Vegas” with him. Sandman hems and haws, Nowinski reminds him that alcohol kills everything, even crotch critters. Ok, deal. Windham walks by right on cue (finally the production crew did something right) as Nowinksi takes the bat. He creams Barry in the junk and he drops to his knees wheezing, “Why have thou forsaken me? I chew Mail Pouch for your sins.”

Segment Rating: 64%

 

Emo Phillips is wandering through the back muttering to himself with his head down. Suddenly, two big, black scary men impede his path. “Hmm…my feet are still moving…but I don’t seem…to be going anywhere.” Ahmed lifts Emo’s face up and spits in it. Emo screams, “Ah! They’re basting me for cooking!” The Fat Boys pick up Phillips and dump him in a trashcan. They then put another trashcan on top of that one, tip him over and kick it so he rolls down the hall like a cheap ride at Six Flags Over Hackensack.

Segment Rating: 54%

 

I am Here to Repossess All Your Portraits of Andrew Jackson Hardcore Singles Match

Repo Man vs GQ Money:

Repo Man hits a right hand on GQ Money. Repo Man uses a big bag of popcorn to floor GQ. Running clothesline from Repo Man, sloppily done. Repo Man strikes GQ Money. Repo Man misses a clothesline. GQ chair shots Repo Man. GQ Money DDTs Repo, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Hooks the leg for a two count. Repo reverses a waistlock. Repo Man DDTs GQ, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Hooks the leg for a two count. Repo DDTs GQ Money. Pin, but GQ is out just before the three count. GQ Money reverses a hip toss. Repo takes a snap suplex from GQ Money. Repo backdrops GQ Money out of a piledriver attempt. Repo Man strikes GQ Money. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty comes running down the aisle and into the ring! GQ Money turns around.... Rocker Dropper!!! That shook the ring. Jannetty leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three. Repo Man pinned GQ. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty has a chair. GQ Money stands up...and gets floored by a shot to the head. Another two shots smack down across his back, leaving him unmoving on the canvas. Jannetty sets the chair up, then picks up GQ Money. He gets whipped into the ropes...and then drop toe holded, sending him face first into the chair! Marty Fuckin' Jannetty has left GQ down and bloodied in the ring after a brutal assault! Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

Winner: Repo Man

(No one does a beat down like Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty. Fuckin’ Aye, man! The Villanos need to take notes. I have to agree with Scott Keith here (hey look, they’re having snowball fights in hell), the assault was brutal, but the match was bland. It’s a hardcore match and the only thing that gets used is a bag of popcorn? Do we have a sponsorship deal with Orville Redenbacher or something? Hmm…Orville Redenbacher…Joey Numbers could use a new gimmick.)

Overall Rating: 52%

Crowd Reaction: 45%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham storms into the Deacon’s office. Deacon stares at Barry, “Why do you have duct tape all over your crotch?” “Because my crotch hurts and duct tape fixes everything.” He’s had enough of Nowinski and this extended feud. It’s time it ends and it will end this Sunday at The Night Some Funky Ass Shit Went Down. Barry wants Nowinski in the most heinous, despicable, brutal match he can think of, A LOSER LEAVES TOWN MATCH! Deacon scratches his head, “You’ve been talking to the Midnight Express haven’t you?” “They suggested either that or a scaffold match.”

Segment Rating: 76%

 

The First Sign of the Apocalypse Tag Match of Extra-Suck with a Side of Suck Sauce

The Fat Boys vs Those Guys in Loud Shirts:

Ahmed Johnson hits a weak punch on Emo Phillips. Incredibly weak powerslam on Phillips by Ahmed. There's a two count on the pin. Phillips reverses a Ahmed Johnson hammerlock. Ahmed gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Emo Phillips hits a sloppy double axe handle. Tag to Weird Al Yankovich. Flapjack from Weird Al on Ahmed. Weird Al Yankovich misses a clothesline. Ahmed tags out to Mark Henry. Uninspiring brawling from Mark Henry. Mark Henry punches away at Weird Al Yankovich in the face. Cover for a two count. Powerslam from Mark Henry on Weird Al. Henry tags out to Ahmed Johnson. Side suplex from Ahmed. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Ahmed. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Weird Al drops out the back of a Ahmed Johnson bodyslam attempt. Running clothesline from Weird Al Yankovich, sloppily done. Weird Al tags out to Emo Phillips. Ahmed takes a vertical suplex. Ahmed Johnson climbs to the top rope, ready to leap at Phillips. Mark Henry bounces off the ropes for an elbow drop without seeing his partner, and crotches Ahmed by accident. Ahmed Johnson can barely stand. Chokeslam!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! I don't think the fight has finished. The Fat Boys and Those Guys in Loud Shirts have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Rating: 1\2 star.

Winner: Those Guys in Loud Shirts

(It’s a good thing every move Ahmed did on Emo was weak or that troll would be dead. For those of you unfamiliar with Emo Phillips, consider yourself blessed. Honestly, that match went about the way I thought it would, except for Emo Phillips getting the win by a choke slam. Rod Serling and Franz Kafka hopped up on coke couldn’t explain that one convincingly. I really don’t have much to say here, because what could I say that would be more funny than “Mark Henry punches away at Weird Al Yankovich in the face.”

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Match Quality: 30%

 

Weird Al storms into the Deacon’s office. People have been doing that a lot lately, he should just get a revolving door installed. His team won the tag match and now he demands the Deacon pay off the lawsuit. Uh…that wasn’t a stipulation of the match. See, in wrestling you have to propose the stip, then have the match, like the loser leaves town match between Nowinski and Windham for The Night Some Funky Ass Shit Went Down. Ok, Weird Al wants a match for the big month end show too. If he wins Deacon has to pay off the lawsuit and if he loses Deacon has to payoff the lawsuit. Hey, the Deacon’s not going to fall for that old trick. Too bad, works on Emo all the time, that’s how he got him to be his partner. Ok, if Weird Al wins Deacon has to give jobs to two friends of his who are wrestlers and he and Emo will leave the fed. If Al loses he’ll drop the lawsuit, but Emo Phillips stays on the shows. Ooo…that sounds like a lose/lose situation really. Deacon agrees and they shake on it. While they’re sealing the deal, Weird Al wants to name his opponent…THE DEACON HIMSELF! Man, if me versus Weird Al Yankovich doesn’t sell tickets I don’t know what will.

Segment Rating: 70%

 

Giant Gonzalez storms into the Deacon’s office while he and Weird Al are still shaking hands. Damn, I wish people would stop doing that. Gonzalez tells Deacon that he needs to get out into the ring now. He forgot that Jimmy Jack Spock and the Sandman were having their contract signing for the match at The Night Some Funky Ass Shit Went Down. The scene cuts to Spock and Sandman standing in the ring and Sandman bashing Spock in the skull with the Gonad Whacker.

“Sign the contract!”

“No!”

THUNK!

“Sign the contract!”

“Not until the commissioner comes out!”

THUNK!

“Sign it!”

“No!”

THUNK!

Sandman doesn’t understand why Spock isn’t falling down. T’Pol suggests that with a name like the Gonad Whacker, he might want to try hitting Spock in the crotch with it. Sandman does and he goes down. “Thanks bitch!” Sandman smashes T’Pol in the crotch and she goes down too. Deacon gets to the ring and orders both men to sign the contract without any more interruptions. They get their names on the contract and then Terry Funk runs down the aisle with a giant bubble wand yelling, “Me save!” T’Pol tells Funk that he’s too late for the save, but if he’s a good boy she’ll breastfeed him later.

Segment Rating: 80%

 

With that Last Match, I can Understand this Winding up as the Main Event for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs Paunch Estrada:

Estrada takes a sloppy snap suplex from Honky Tonk Man. Suplex into a front slam from HTM, but the execution was terrible and it ended up more like a regular suplex. There's a two count on the pin. Estrada counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Stiff high kick on HTM by Paunch Estrada who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Flying elbow from Paunch Estrada. There's a two count on the pin. Tiger suplex on HTM, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. HTM takes a flying neckbreaker from Paunch Estrada. HTM pushes out of a Paunch Estrada hold. Brutal forearm by HTM, who is evidently going the Misawa route...but without any of the talent. There's a two count on the pin. Ugly-looking short powerbomb by HTM. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Estrada takes a hangman's neckbreaker from HTM. HTM suplexes Estrada to the canvas. Estrada ducks a wild right hand. Spin kick by Paunch Estrada to the face. Back heel kick off the second rope, HTM goes down. Honky Tonk Man gets whipped into the corner by Estrada, who charges in with a clothesline. HTM grabs the referee and pulls him in the way! The referee calls for the DQ as he collapses to the mat in pain. Honky Tonk Man gets out of the ring and walks off, having taken the cheap way out. I don't think the fight has finished. Honky Tonk Man and Estrada have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

Winner: Paunch Estrada

(Take a drink every time Scott Keith references Misawa. That would give the Sandman blood alcohol poisoning. When have you ever seen a ref get bumped and call for the DQ? Only when the Honky Tonk Man is involved. He’s lost more matches by disqualification and count out than moves Scott Steiner botches in a five-minute match. You would think I would have more to say about this match, but I have to get up early for work and eat more McGriddles. If you want proof that God does exist and loves us, those tiny sandwiches are all you need.)

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 56%

Match Quality: 51%

 

Overall Show Rating: 61%

TV Rating: 1.81

Attendance: 368 Emo Phillips fans, aka retarded mental patients.

[Guest The Superstar]

Man, now that Mark Jindrak has a car, what are you going to do?!

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour for Saturday, July 26th 2003

Taped at Random Intervals from the Plumbing (in the basement of the Toilet)

Hosts: Steve Michael Payton and the Honky Tonk Man

 

So, I guess in the Midnight’s World, They’re Facing the Ding Dongs Tonight Tag Match

Politically Incorrect vs Midnight Express:

The Drunk Irishman strikes Stan Lane. The Drunk Irishman with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Sweet Stan. Cover for a two count. Sweet Stan ducks a wild right hand. Stan Lane hits Irishman. Stan Lane hits a sloppy double axe handle. Sweet Stan tags out to Bobby Eaton. Right hand from Eaton on Irishman. Bobby Eaton gets taken down out of nowhere. Tag to The Miserly Jew. Politically Incorrect whip Eaton into the corner. The Drunk Irishman whips The Miserly Jew in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. The Miserly Jew strikes Bobby Eaton. Hooks the leg for a two count. The Miserly Jew hits a shaky delayed suplex on Eaton. Tag to The Drunk Irishman. Sloppy tornado punch from The Drunk Irishman, Eaton barely got hit. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Irishman only gets knees on a splash. Eaton tags out to Stan Lane. Running clothesline from Stan Lane, sloppily done. The Drunk Irishman is all alone...Rocket Launcher!! 1....2....3! Midnight Express nod at each other...and they attack Politically Incorrect! The element of surprise works in their favour, and they have soon left Politically Incorrect down and out on the canvas. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

Winner: Midnight Express

(I like that nod. It reminds me of Butch and Sundance before running out to face the Mexican army. I’d pay good money for a poster of Lane and Eaton posed like the final scene of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid with guns blazing. I would take down the tapestry of dogs playing poker over my mantel and put that up. You know that did seem like a squash match form WCW Saturday Night, didn’t it? Too bad I can’t hire Dusty Rhodes as a commentator. I speak fluent Dusty-ese you know? I took a class on that in college. It was either that or French and who wants to understand what they’re saying?)

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 40%

Match Quality: 57%

 

The Irish Wolfhounds coming tearing down the aisle with chairs to scare off the Midnight Express. They take off through the crowd with the Wolfhounds giving chase and PI right behind them. “Last Train to Clarksville” by the Monkees plays and we get a montage of the teams running throughout the arena with goofy camera angles. They wind up in a hallway lined with doors and randomly run in and out of them. Making cameos in this part of the chase include: the cast of Scooby Doo, Benny Hill, Jack Hanna and a host of animals from the Columbus Zoo, Judy Tenuta playing the accordion, The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and Abdullah the Butcher blading himself with a Mix Master.

Segment Rating: 61%

 

Special Challenge Singles Match That Will Result in a Dead Ass White Boy

Emo Phillips vs Ahmed Johnson:

Uninspiring brawling from Ahmed Johnson. Weak kick from Ahmed. Phillips takes a weak clothesline. Uninspiring brawling from Ahmed Johnson. Phillips backdrops Ahmed Johnson out of a piledriver attempt. Phillips slams Ahmed Johnson down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Phillips hits a stump piledriver on Ahmed Johnson, although it was quite weak in its execution. Cover for a two count. Ahmed blocks a punch. Big clothesline from Ahmed. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Ahmed on Phillips. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Emo Phillips elbows Ahmed Johnson in the face to break a hammerlock. Emo Phillips strikes Ahmed Johnson. Ahmed Johnson pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Ahmed Johnson hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Emo Phillips hooks up a suplex, but Ahmed flips out and lands on his feet, and quickly grabs the tights to score with a school boy pin! 1...2..3! The referee somehow missed the blatant cheating! Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti comes running down the aisle with a chair! Ahmed Johnson is just leaving the ring...and Chetti scores with a brutal chair shot! Ahmed Johnson falls to the floor holding his head. Yuck. DUD.

Winner: Ahmed Johnson

(This was a match that should not be viewed by those contemplating suicide for it will push them over the edge. I haven’t seen anything so “uninspiring” since David Souter giving a speech at my college graduation. Just read the match and take a drink every time they blow a move, just make sure to have poison control on speed dial. I think the only thing Ahmed didn’t mess up was the flapjack, and that’s because he wanted to eat it after the match. The fact that Ahmed has to grab Emo’s tights for the win is sad, so very, very, very sad.)

Overall Rating: 43%

Crowd Reaction: 46%

Match Quality: 37%

 

“Redneck Jesus” Barry Windham and Jimmy Jack Spock are in the back cleaning shotguns. They’re relaxing before they’re tag team match with Sandman and Chris Nowinski. There is nothing more relaxing than cleaning a shotgun, it is Zen, it is Utopia. Then T’Pol shows up to clean some other “shotguns” for them. And by “shotguns” I mean “penises” and by “penises” I mean “Milky Way bars.” See, now you don’t know what to think.

Segment Rating: 71%

 

Tag Team Match That Really Isn’t That Exciting, but These Guys Are Headlining the Big Show, So What You Gonna’ Do?

Sandman \ Nowinski vs Spock \ Windham:

Incredibly weak powerslam on Windham by Sandman. Messed up bodyslam by Sandman. Cover for a two count. Sandman tags out to Chris Nowinski. Nowinski \ Sandman whip Windham into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Chris Nowinski strikes Barry Windham. Cover for a two count. Windham receives some unexciting punishment. Chris Nowinski gets taken down out of nowhere. Barry Windham turns Nowinski inside-out with a clothesline. Windham tags out to Jimmy Jack Spock. Rude Awakening on Chris Nowinski by Spock. Spinebuster by Jimmy Jack Spock. Nowinski drops out the back of a Jimmy Jack Spock bodyslam attempt. Tag between Chris Nowinski and Sandman. Sandman hits a stump piledriver on Jimmy Jack Spock. Sloppy tornado punch from Sandman, Spock barely got hit. Pin, but Spock is out just before the three count. Spock takes a weak kick. Jimmy Jack Spock ducks a clothesline attempt. Sandman walks into a spike slam. Sandman grabs Jimmy Jack Spock for Chris Nowinski, who swings...but Spock ducks, and in a cruel twist of fate, the big punch floors Sandman. Irony is such a cruel mistress. Sandman can barely stand. Pumphandle Slam! 1....2....3. The fight has started up again! Sandman \ Nowinski attacks Spock \ Windham, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

Winner: Windham and Spock

(I have to name the pumphandle slam. Maybe the Kirk Jerk. This match really makes you want to wait another month until I post the Night Some Funky Ass Shit Went Down doesn’t it? Don’t answer that question. I need a drink.)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 65%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Overall Show Rating: 57%

TV Rating: 1.09

Attendance: 361 people who were tricked into coming by thinking this was a taping for “Bonzai.”

 

THE CARD FOR THE NIGHT SOME FUNKY ASS SHIT WENT DOWN

 

You’re the Only Guys Not Booked, So Just Fight Each Other and Try Not to Fuck Up Singles Match

The Miserly Jew vs. The Drunken Irishman

 

Special Attraction Major Ass Beatdown

Giant Gonzalez vs. Emo Phillips

 

Hardcore Match That Will Repo Your Buzz for the HSW Lukewarm Shit Title

Austin Lee vs. The Repo Man

 

Sack Full of McGriddles Tag Team Match

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection vs. The Fat Boys

Note: Each wrestler will have a knapsack full of McGriddles that they may use to beat their opponents silly.

 

Handicap Match That Will Only be Enjoyed by the Handicapped

Memphis Mafia vs. Paunch Estrada

 

The Feud Made in Hell, AKA Elvis’ Colon for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs. “Carless” Mark Jindrak

 

Throw Down Clusterfuck Four Team Elimination Tag Match for the HSW Tag Team Titles

2 Tickets 2 Paradise vs. The Whump Ass Express vs. The Midnight Express vs. The Irish Wolfhounds

 

Mind Boggling Heinous Loser Leaves Town Match of Festering Welts

“Redneck Jesus” Barry Windham vs. “Pussy Magnet” Chris Nowinski

 

And I Wonder Why My Fed Sucks Main Event Singles Match for the HSW World Title

Sandman vs. Jimmy Jack Spock

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Here is the last HSW diary with 3.0. However, do not fret my pets. The HSW will be resurrected sometime after this coming Sunday when I finish the match I'm writing for the SWF ppv, Ground Zero (cheap pop, thumbs up, buy the book). Upon it's return, I'll be going in a new direction that I think will be fresh and funny for all my readers and a good choice to go in at this time. (Stop coughing and saying "bullshit" under your breaths). I wrote this up on my lunch hour, so it probably sucks. I didn't even have time to proofread it. Hell, I bet you didn't even think I proofread in the first place. That's dedication to your art.

 

THE NIGHT SOME FUNKY ASS SHIT WENT DOWN

Live from Weird Al Yankovich’s basement

Hosts: Joey Styles and Heavy D (because Joey smells like ham)

 

You’re the Only Guys Not Booked, So Just Fight Each Other and Try Not to Fuck Up Singles Match

The Drunk Irishman vs The Miserly Jew:

Lame kick from MJ. The Drunk Irishman takes a right hand to the temple from MJ. MJ flattens The Drunk Irishman. Weak bodyslam on Irishman by MJ. Irishman pushes out of a The Miserly Jew hold. Big kick from Irishman. Big clothesline from Irishman. Cover for a two count. MJ counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. The Miserly Jew DDTs Irishman, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. There's a two count on the pin. Face-first suplex from MJ, but not done very well. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Irishman blocks a punch. The Miserly Jew takes a right hand to the temple from Irishman. MJ pushes out of a The Drunk Irishman hold. Big kick from MJ. The Drunk Irishman can barely stand. Here it comes - Shooting Star of David Press. 1....2...3, it's finished. The Drunk Irishman extends his hand to MJ...and it is accepted! They shake! DUD, and a poor DUD at that.

Winner: The Miserly Jew

(Did you guys not read the match title? You might have tried not to fuck up, but you didn’t try very hard. And what’s with Keith using “a The Miserly Jew hold?” Wasn’t he the guy complaining about how TNN’s slogan makes it the The New The National Network and such. Soon Scott Keith will be behind us and Dames will be the reviewer. Although I’m already finding little foibles in Dames commentary, like how he buys a forearm to the back of the head as a finishing maneuver. Maybe if we were in Japan in 1985 and Stan Hansen was in the ring, that might possibly get over.)

Overall Rating: 39%

Crowd Reaction: 24%

Match Quality: 54%

 

Special Attraction Major Ass Beatdown

Giant Gonzales vs Emo Phillips:

Some weak shots by Gonzales. Phillips takes a weak kick. Weak slam from Gonzales. Weak slam from Gonzales. Emo Phillips elbows Giant Gonzales in the face to break a hammerlock. Emo Phillips strikes Giant Gonzales. Weak bodyslam by Phillips. Hooks the leg for a two count. Gonzales blocks a punch. Giant Gonzales hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Side suplex from Gonzales. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Gonzales. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Phillips kicks Giant Gonzales in the gut to reverse the momentum. Gonzales receives some unexciting punishment. Emo Phillips misses a clothesline. Punch by Gonzales, missing Phillips by a good six inches. Emo Phillips gets knocked to the ground by Gonzales. Emo Phillips gets locked in the Seated Chokey Thing! Submission victory! Giant Gonzales gives a murderous look toward Emo Phillips...and attacks! Phillips gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Gonzales leaves the ring having left Phillips down and out. DUD

Winner: Giant Gonzalez

(Minus the Flair match, this was the best of Gonzalez’s career. I swear I didn’t name the Seated Chokey Thing, that’s what the game called it. Kind of like how Billy Gunn’s finisher is the Dumbasser. I shouldn’t get on Ryland for being a little biased. Lord knows if I was making this game, the Repo Man would have 100’s across the board and there would be a built in mechanism that makes Triple H job to Duke the Dumpster every show.)

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 48%

Match Quality: 29%

 

Hardcore Match That Will Repo Your Buzz for the HSW Lukewarm Shit Title

Austin Lee vs Repo Man:

Lee hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Austin Lee dropkicks Repo after leaping off an upturned shopping cart. Lee hits a dropkick on Repo Man. Hard back suplex on Repo. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Repo reverses a waistlock. Frying pan shot by Repo. Repo hits a stump piledriver on Austin Lee, although it was quite weak in its execution. Cover for a two count. Lee counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Repo takes a hurrancarana from Austin Lee. There's a two count on the pin. Tiger suplex on Repo, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Lee drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Austin Lee takes a right hand to the temple from Repo. Lee ducks a wild right hand. Flying elbow from Austin Lee. Austin Lee floors Repo Man. Here it comes...Crimson Cloverleaf! Repo Man taps! Austin Lee offers a handshake to Repo...and he accepts it! No! Repo Man levels Lee with a cheap shot right hand! Repo Man hits the Double Axe Handle! Austin Lee has been floored after the match. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Austin Lee

(This was textbook HSW. A hardcore match that only featured a frying pan shot and a dropkick from a shopping cart, while someone stupidly offers the Repo Man a handshake at the end. He’s the Repo Man, I wouldn’t offer him a breath mint. Not that he couldn’t use one.)

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 62%

Match Quality: 58%

 

Sack Full of McGriddles Tag Team Match

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection vs. The Fat Boys

This match has been canceled do to the fact that The Fat Boys ate all the McGriddles….and the sacks they were to be put in…and YOUR Stacker 2 Connection. We are hoping that we can induce vomiting and get back the sacks though.

 

I Forgot to Put This on the Card, But We Can’t Have the Show Without It

Deacon vs Weird Al Yankovich:

Deacon takes a vertical suplex. Weak bodyslam by Weird Al. There's a two count on the pin. Deacon blocks a punch. Sluggish brawling from Deacon. Big forearm by Deacon, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. There's a two count on the pin. Flapjack from Deacon on Weird Al. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Incredibly weak powerslam on Weird Al by Deacon. Weird Al blocks a kick from Deacon. Big clothesline from Weird Al. There's a two count on the pin. Weird Al Yankovich turns Deacon inside-out with a clothesline. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Big kick from Weird Al. Weird Al strikes away at Deacon. Deacon pushes out of a Weird Al Yankovich hold. Incredibly weak powerslam on Weird Al by Deacon. Deacon DDTs Weird Al Yankovich. Weird Al Yankovich gets knocked to the ground by Deacon. Weird Al Yankovich gets locked in the Step Over Inverted Figure Eight Weaverlock! Submission victory! I don't think the fight has finished. Deacon and Weird Al have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

Winner: ME! DAMN YOU! IT’S MY FED! EAT A BAG OF DICKS!

(Only SWF guys will get the joke with my finisher. I figure at this point I’m only make one of you laugh per each joke, so why not just focus in on my audience. The match read awful and we still got **. I think that was just a thank you from Keith for not having to watch the sack full of McGriddles match. Really, I don’t blame him. I like how my signature move appears to be ‘a weak bodyslam.’ I still have a better workrate than Kevin Nash. Obviously, I had something going with this Weird Al thing….well, no, not really. I will reveal that Weird Al has been played by Sean Royal and Emo Phillips was Paul E. Normous. I don’t believe in typecasting.)

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 67%

Match Quality: 54%

 

Handicap Match That Will Only be Enjoyed by the Handicapped

Memphis Mafia vs. Paunch Estrada

Some weak shots by Dissy. Bilvis Wesley with a sloppy back bodydrop on Estrada. Memphis Mafia whip Estrada into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Dissy on Estrada. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Memphis Mafia whip Estrada into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Disgraceland takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Bilvis is down. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Dissy powers out of a headlock. Big forearm by Dissy, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Memphis Mafia whip Estrada into the corner. Disgraceland whips Bilvis Wesley in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. There's a two count on the pin. Estrada blocks a punch. Tiger suplex on Bilvis, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Paunch Estrada moves in for the kill. Here it comes – 7 Mary 3. 1....2...3, it's finished. Slap a DUD on it, move on.

Winner: Pauch Estrada

(Post match, the Mafia go to attack Estrada, but he throws down a fistful of ludes to make his escape. He’s a cop, he can still find those types of things in the police property room. Seriously, are these people over? Does anyone find them funny besides me. Hell, I don’t find them that funny. I think I should shrink the Honky Tonk Man and just do the Tiny E bit from SNL. “Hey, man look at Stephanie McMahon’s tits, they’re huuuuge, man. Huuuge!” “You got that right Tiny Honky.”)

Overall Rating: 45%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 41%

 

The Feud Made in Hell, AKA Elvis’ Colon for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs. “Carless” Mark Jindrak

Honky Tonk Man hits a shaky delayed suplex on Jindrak. Honky Tonk Man ducks a Jindrak clothesline and does a quick roll up. HTM has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Honky Tonk Man leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle at speed. HTM has the victory, and isn't hanging around for Mark Jindrak to look for revenge. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

Winner: HTM

(Has sleeping in the bus station left Jindrak smelling that bad? This is the second match in a row that went like under a minute. Par for the course for Heat, I know, but this is a pay-per-view….well it vaguely resembles one. Well, Heroes of Wrestling was a ppv. “Honky Tonk Man leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle at speed.” That should read “on speed.” Man, Paunch Estrada is better at hooking you up than Marty Jannetty.)

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 53%

 

Throw Down Clusterfuck Four Team Elimination Tag Match for the HSW Tag Team Titles

2 Tickets 2 Paradise vs. The Whump Ass Express vs. The Midnight Express vs. The Irish Wolfhounds:

Second rope flying axe handle, Stetson goes down. Dinero crushes Stetson with a big legdrop. Dinero tags out to Stan Lane. Weak bodyslam on Stetson by Sweet Stan. Stan Lane strikes "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson. Sweet Stan tags out to Bobby Eaton. Leg trip from Bobby Eaton. Bobby Eaton uses an armbreaker to take Stetson down. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson powers out of a Bobby Eaton headlock. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson punches away at Bobby Eaton. Tag to Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Tiger suplex on Eaton, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin, three count, it's over. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty pins Eaton. Flying elbow from The Nitroglycerin Kid. Diamond Dust from The Nitroglycerin Kid, Jannetty is out. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Tag between The Nitroglycerin Kid and Davey Man Smith. The Irish Wolfhounds whip Jannetty into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. DMS crushes Jannetty with a big legdrop. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Tag to GQ Money. Running clothesline from GQ Money, sloppily done. Face-first suplex from GQ, but not done very well. Tag to Julio Dinero. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise whip DMS into the corner. GQ Money whips Julio Dinero in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Cover gets three. Julio Dinero pinned DMS. Spin kick by Julio Dinero to the face. Dinero crushes Stetson with a big legdrop. Stetson drops out the back of a Julio Dinero bodyslam attempt. Punch by Stetson, missing Dinero by a good six inches. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson DDTs Dinero, poorly executed. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson and Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Dinero takes a hurrancarana from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Julio Dinero ducks a clothesline attempt. Dinero tags out to GQ Money. Face-first suplex from GQ, but not done very well. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Face crusher from GQ on Jannetty. Jannetty counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Kick from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty to the leg. GQ Money is in trouble. Hot Shit Blaster! 1....2....3. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

Winners: The Whump Ass Express

(Move of the night appears to be the weak bodyslam. Ok, so why isn’t Hogan on the show then? Notice that the heels pin the other heel team and the faces pin the other face team. It’s like I was booking this show with a little help from my good friend Jim Beam. Honestly, I was and he brought over some alcohol, so we were all schnookered and downloading fake nudes of Bea Arthur on the internet. A high speed connection can be a dangerous thing.)

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Match Quality: 68%

 

Mind Boggling Heinous Loser Leaves Town Match of Festering Welts

“Redneck Jesus” Barry Windham vs. “Pussy Magnet” Chris Nowinski

Big kick from Nowinski. Big clothesline from Nowinski. Hooks the leg for a two count. Barry Windham takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Barry Windham hits Nowinski. Barry Windham with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Nowinski. Hooks the leg for a two count. Barry Windham scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Nowinski takes a vertical suplex. Windham walks into a trip. Powerslam from Chris Nowinski on Windham. There's a two count on the pin. Chris Nowinski turns Windham inside-out with a clothesline. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Running clothesline from Chris Nowinski, sloppily done. Windham hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. Windham blocks the suplex attempt. Barry Windham hits a right hand on Chris Nowinski. Flapjack from Windham on Nowinski. Chris Nowinski is in trouble. Lariat!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Nowinski is pounding the canvas with punches, shouting about how unfair everything is. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(Ok, so here was the plan with this. Nowinski was going to come back the next show under a mask as Poontang Charlie. Of course, Windham knew it was Nowinski, but no one would believe him. Then at the next ppv, Windham was going to unmask him to reveal Abdullah the Butcher. Windham goes insane and is carted off by the men in white coats. I swear that would have played out funnier than it souded. Jim Beam liked the idea.)

Overall Rating: 64%

Crowd Reaction: 67%

Match Quality: 68%

 

And I Wonder Why My Fed Sucks Main Event Singles Match for the HSW World Title

Sandman vs. Jimmy Jack Spock:

Some weak shots by Sandman. Jimmy Jack Spock pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Sandman takes a headbutt from Jimmy Jack Spock. Spock whips Sandman into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Death valley driver by Jimmy Jack Spock, Sandman is down and hurt. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Spock walks into a trip. Sandman hits a weak elbow on Jimmy Jack Spock. Big clothesline from Sandman. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sandman scores with a weakly-hit standing spinebuster. Pin, but Spock is out just before the three count. Spock powers out of a headlock. Spear by Jimmy Jack Spock. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Sandman ducks a clothesline attempt. Sandman gets whipped into the corner. Spock charges in, but into a pair of raised boots. Sandman uses a roll up, with feet on the second rope! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! I don't think the fight has finished. Jimmy Jack Spock and Sandman have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. I'll give it a **1\2 rating.

Overall Rating: 70%

Crowd Reaction: 78%

Match Quality: 54%

Winner: Sandman

(Read this show and take a drink every time you see the word ‘weak.’ It’s better than playing “Hi, Bob.” My lunch hour is over and it’s time to wrap this up, not with a bang, but with a whimper. Whimper.)

Overall Show Rating: 58%

PPV Buy Rate: .25 (although we think there was an electrical surge somewhere in Galveston that accounts for the number being this high.)

Attendance: 3669 cardboard cutouts with smiley faces painted on them.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Alas, another classic diary comes to a close. Looking forward to the update, Deacon.

 

(cheap plug) Don't forget to check out my take on XPW using 4.0 and our own Dames as recapper (cheap plug).

[Guest The Superstar]

Step Over Inverted Figure Eight Weaverlock~!

 

Excellent.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Thanks guys. I've glanced at you new fed Zach and will have to read it when I have time. I've got competition in the bad booking wars now.