Hot Shit Wresting EWR Diary

April 17, 2003

Keep the names coming, guys, I've got a lot I like. I also love the ideas of making Alter Boy Luke Windham's disciple and making Estrada into Paunch from CHiPs. I was thinking of turning Windham and Estrada anyway as I could use some more faces. Look for those ideas in the coming weeks.

April 18, 2003

[The Miserly Jew's Potato Hour

Yes Indeedio

April 22, 2003

If the contest is still open...

HSW Falldown (I mean, with all the elderly/alcoholic workers...)

HSW More Shit than Hot

HSW Jesus Smile-Time Hour (Okay, I'm running low here)

HSW Oingo Boingo (I heard that's what Sophie says to get the coffee maker workin')

HSW Puke on Your Shoes

April 22, 2003

HSW Too Much Shit

HSW Shitty Ain't It

HSW It's The Shit

HSW Shit R US

HSW Gassy Old Men

HSW Poor Men Don't Win

Those are my suggestions for PPV names

April 22, 2003

HSW Monday Night Manure

April 22, 2003

HSW Steaming Funk for May 28th, 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

“Pussy Magnet” Chris Nowinski is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. Nowinski’s hat is strategically dipped below one eye and his scarf is apricot. He interrupted Nikita Koloff’s retirement ceremony last week, because he was told to…uh, he means he interrupted it because watching old geezers try to hold on when there’s hot stud muffins like himself around is sickening. He left the WWE (they say he was fired for refusing to take his spot in the “wax Stephanie’s mustache hair” rotation) because they refuse to push the young guys. The HSW has the same problem, but he is going to purposely wipe out all the geezers, and next up is the man who beat Koloff, Redneck Jesus Barry Windham. Now, if you will forgive him he has to fly his leer jet up to Nova Scotia for a total eclipse of the sun. In the background Giant Gonzalez takes a drink out of a cup and spits it out, “What the fuck are these clouds doing in my coffee?”

Segment Rating: 70%

And You Think Nowinski has an Ego Tag Team Match

Whump Ass Express vs Memphis Mafia:

Marty Fuckin' Jannetty strikes Bilvis. Jannetty hits a dropkick on Bilvis Wesley. Cover for a two count. Jannetty tags out to "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson. Whump Ass Express whip Bilvis into the corner. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty whips "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Cover for a two count. Bilvis takes a weak clothesline. Stetson walks into a trip. Powerslam from Bilvis Wesley on Stetson. Cover for a two count. Tag to Jorge Estrada. Estrada crushes Stetson with a running senton. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Hard back suplex on Stetson. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Stetson counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Punch by Stetson, missing Estrada by a good six inches. Tag to Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Spinning back kick from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Tag to Bilvis Wesley. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty hits a rolling kick on Bilvis. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty floors Bilvis near the ropes and makes the pin. Jannetty is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Estrada and Bilvis remain in the ring. Bilvis Wesley does not look happy at losing. Jorge Estrada goes to leave, but gets pulled back in by Bilvis. Tensions seem to be rising between these two. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

Winner: Whump Ass Express

(Is someone disgruntled in Graceland? Maybe looking to turn in his fat Elvis blue jumpsuit for some California biker cop orange? See, I listen to you guys. I think 90% of you are flaming fart heads, but I listen to you and that puts me one up on Vince. Although with stuff like the Teddy Long 3 Minute White Boy Challenge, I can’t believe I’m not booking for him.)

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 57%

Deacon calls Sophie the Savage Secretary into his office. He hasn’t really said much about her managing Lee recently. He’s of the mind that she can do whatever she wants…just not around him. The HSW has a new show on Saturday nights on the USA Network right before an infomercial for Nads. Why doesn’t she make like Ronda Shearer and stay UP all night…then pose for pictures with her floppy titties bouncing around in a bowling alley. All of the undercard guys are getting shuffled off to the new show and that includes her darling Lee and being his manager she goes with him. However, before he leaves he can go against Chris Nowinski in an “Austin Lee jobs match.” And as an even better idea, the main event of the first Saturday night show is going to be Sophie and T’Pol vs. Lady Victoria and Lizzy Borden. Uh…do we want people to actually watch this show or not? Sophie does the “negative pee-pee dance,” but Deacon reveals that Tiki head god thing from the Hawaiin episode of the Brady Bunch on his desk, which negates her powers.

Segment Rating: 82%

“Pussy Magnet” Chris Nowinski is in the back harassing girls scouts, “Ok, you’re both 13, but if I do you both at the same time, that makes you a combined 26.” Redneck Jesus Barry Windham struts up and spits a wad of tobacco juice on the girl scouts (it’s not like they weren’t going to take something warm and sticky in the face anyway). Windham heard what Nowinski said about him. Windham is a champion, he held the Western States Heritage Title after all. He’s a former 4 Horsemen and the only one currently not drawing Medicare. He’s beaten legends like Wahoo McDaniels, Ric Flair, Magnum TA, Dusty Rhodes, Wahoo McDaniels…you said Wahoo McDaniels twice. Well…he jobbed him twice, that’s the point, don’t confuse him here. Nowinski is a marked man. Marked for what, he’s not sure yet, but he’s a marked man, oh yes. Gonzalez shows up to get some Thin Mints off the girl scouts to go with his cloudy coffee. They’re all out, so he chokeslams them through a stack of flaming tables.

Segment Rating: 66%

I Don’t Know Why Henry is Still Being Pushed Either Singles Match

Mark Henry vs GQ Money:

Sluggish brawling from Henry. GQ Money powers out of a Mark Henry headlock. GQ takes down Mark Henry in a positively thrilling moment. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. GQ Money nearly ends the career of Henry with a screwed up german suplex. Cover, but there's no one to count for GQ Money. GQ drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Mark Henry strikes GQ Money. Mark Henry hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Henry on GQ. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. GQ Money takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Brutal forearm by GQ. Pin, but Henry is out just before the three count. Henry counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Ahmed Johnson comes running down the aisle and into the ring! GQ Money turns around.... Pearl River Plunge!!! That shook the ring. Ahmed leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin, three count, it's over. Mark Henry pins GQ. Rating: 1\2 star.

Winner: Mark Henry

(Damn! We were so close to getting rid of Henry. I’m booking Ahmed vs. GQ in a best 51 out of a 100 falls match where each fall has to be won by a top rope German suplex. One of them has to be paralyzed for life after that. Our string of interferences not leading to a dq continues. Our refs are blinder than Ray Charles piloting a 747 in a blizzard.)

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 54%

Terry Funk sits in the back with the Hot Shit Title he stole last week from Sandman. T’Pol enters to tell Funk that Sandman is on his way to the building and that Deacon demands he give the belt back. Hold on…Funk didn’t greet her by whacking her with a cookie sheet. Ok, what’s wrong? Funk was thinking about what happened with Koloff last week and what Nowinski was saying about old geezers not getting out when it’s their time. Terry doesn’t have to worry about that, he passed his time to retire during the first Bush administration. He’s serious; Funk thinks it might be time to leave the business for good. Excuse T’Pol for a moment…(pretend it says hours of maniacal laughter)…wait, she’s a Vulcan, she shouldn’t be laughing. Funk does want to retire, but his soul won’t let his body leave. T’Pol thinks for a moment and thinks she might have an answer, but she’ll need to make a pilgrimage to Vulcan to see if her plan is possible. To cap off this poignant, character driven scene T’Pol slathers herself in baby oil and Funk sodomizes a midget with a cookie sheet.

Segment Rating: 77%

Austin Lee Jobs Singles Match

Chris Nowinski vs Austin Lee:

Lee uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Lightning kick by Lee on Nowinski. There's a two count on the pin. Lee only gets knees on a splash. Chris Nowinski strikes Austin Lee. Chris Nowinski hits a right hand on Austin Lee. There's a two count on the pin. Sloppy tornado punch from Chris Nowinski, Lee barely got hit. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Big kick from Nowinski. Nowinski only gets knees on a splash. Nowinski takes a hurrancarana from Austin Lee. Cover for a two count. DDT from the top rope by Austin Lee. That looked brutal. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Driven DDT by Austin Lee. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Austin Lee strikes Nowinski. Nowinski counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Lee takes a vertical suplex. Sloppy tornado punch from Chris Nowinski, Lee barely got hit. Austin Lee is in trouble. Here it comes - Double Underhook DDT. 1....2...3, it's finished. Barry Windham comes running down the aisle with a chair! Chris Nowinski is just leaving the ring...and Windham scores with a brutal chair shot! Chris Nowinski falls to the floor holding his head. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

Winner: Chris Nowinski

(I bet you didn’t see that coming. Austin Lee jobs in an “Austin Lee jobs match?” Dig that crazy booking. Go figure. Windham’s heelish chair shot serves to turn him face, because Nowinski is more evil by virtue of propositioning girl scouts as opposed to his own cousins. Go figure.)

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 59%

Match Quality: 65%

Sandman shows up in a limo since he’s the Hot Shit Champion (re: a beat up taxi painted black with the world “LIMO” finger painted on the side in white). Sandman trips over Coat Rack Steven Richards on his way into the building and then uses one of his hooks to uncork a bottle of Boone’s Farm. Sandman is pissed off, piss drunk and full of piss so show him the bathroom, a barf bucket and Terry Funk. Not necessarily in that order.

Segment Rating: 74%

T’Pol is in the back with Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak is the second greatest HSW HTM TCB Champion in history and movie up fast on the list…well not really. The Honky Tonk Man is little more than a Denivian Slime Devil. Jindrak chips in that Disgraceland is nothing more than a Hoover Dirt Devil and T’Pol gives him a funny look. Ok, shutting up now. To prove that he’s better than the Honky Tonk Man, Jindrak has consented to the stipulation in all matches where his title is on the line that he will lose the belt if he is disqualified or counted out. Jindrak chimes in that he’s all about time limit dq’s though. T’Pol sighs. Yes mam, shutting up.

Segment Rating: 71%

Time Limit Draw Singles Match for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Mark Jindrak vs Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett:

Chetti gets slammed. Mark Jindrak fires off some right and left hands. Jindrak uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Rude Awakening on Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett by Jindrak. Jindrak only gets knees on a splash. Flying elbow from Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. There's a two count on the pin. Mark Jindrak elbows Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett in the face to break a hammerlock. Massive backbreaker, Chetti got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. There's a two count on the pin. Spear! Chetti is down and hurt. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Mark Jindrak misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett scores with a back heel kick on Jindrak. Jindrak pushes out of a Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett hold. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? The bell rings, and this match has come to a time limit draw. Mark Jindrak extends his hand to Chetti...and it is accepted! They shake! It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

Winner: “Carless” Mark Jindrak

(A time limit draw match that ends in a time limit draw? I’m so crazy I should be selling car stereos while smacking baby seals in the head with a ball bat. Joey Styles is livid that the match ended with a real handshake. Where’s the kick to the nuts? Where’s the fireball to the face? Where’s the tennis racket up the ass? Wrestling is all about tradition and you guys are laughing in the face of it. Lou Thesz practically pioneered the tennis racket up the ass tradition.)

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 46%

Match Quality: 71%

Terry Funk wanders out to the ring with the Hot Shit Title in hand. He calls out the Sandman who gets trucked out in a wheelbarrow by Gonzalez, because he’s too drunk to stand. Funk has been doing a lot of thinking lately. He’s been pondering important matters like how do they cram all that graham, how many licks does it really take to the get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop and should he retire. Forgive the crowd for a moment…(pretend there is hours of maniacal laughter)…hey, hey, hear him out. T’Pol says she can find a way to keep him some how in the game, but as far as he concerned the game’s over. He’s going to retire from wrestling at the next month end show, but before he goes out, Funk wants one more shot at the Hot Shit Title in an I Quit, Barbed Wire, Steel Cage, Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Hardcore, Texas Death, Iron Man Submission Match of Mind Altering Suffering to be the Last Man Standing! Sandman says whatever and chokes on vomit. Not his vomit, but vomit none the less. Gonzalez gives him the Heimlich maneuver to end the show.

Segment Rating: 78%

Show Rating: 67%

TV Rating: 1.90

Attendance: 384 girls scouts in fear for their lives

It’s a day early, but we have a winner for the first HSW Reader’s Poll! Going with my heart, I have selected our new, Saturday night graveyard shift jobber show on the USA Network to be named:

THE MISERLY JEW’S POTATO HOUR!

Abbreviated by the game it comes out “Miserly Jew’s Potato,” but the thought is there. This was submitted by Edwin MacPhisto and he is now allowed to pick anyone available in the game to join the roster under any gimmick and name he chooses. Thanks to all who submitted names and rest assured more contests will follow.

As said, I’m just going to post results for the new show. Trust me, you’re not missing anything.

The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour for June 7, 2003

Taped at random intervals from the Plumbing (aka-the basement of the Toilet)

Hosts: Steve Michael Payton and the Honky Tonk Man

Alter Boy Luke defeats Rod Steel cleanly by pinfall

The FlockNest Monster cuts another promo begging people to like him

Austin Lee and Anus Boy Matthew fight to a time limit draw, so I can pretend I’m all about good old fashioned wrestling

T’Pol and Sophie rundown Lady Victoria and Lizzy Borden for being two bit hoes. At least they’re four bit hoes.

Sophie and T’Pol defeat the team of Victoria and Borden when Sophie pins Borden through heel miscommunication

Show Rating of 47%

I suspended Ahmed Johnson for one month for getting into a backstage fight over whether Gonzalez was going to “eat that,” but I’m not sure what “that” was.

Supreme blew his knee out after jumping up and down from finding a coupon for free pudding in Sunday’s paper. He’ll be out for 16 months.

April 22, 2003

Uh Deacon, can you edit your post's HAHAs so I can read this a little better?

April 22, 2003

post edited, sorry about that. Stupid board needs to be smarter than I am.

April 22, 2003

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

No Supreme for 16 months? That's... that's a blow. Sniff.... Surpreme.

April 22, 2003

Potato Hour is justice. Potato Hour is rule. I'll be in touch, Frost.

April 27, 2003

HSW Steaming Funk for June11th, 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

The show opens with Deacon sitting behind a desk in a set that looks like the Oval Office. He has agreed to book the proposed I Quit, Barbed Wire, Steel Cage, Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Hardcore, Texas Death, Iron Man Submission Match of Mind Altering Suffering to be the Last Man Standing between Terry Funk and Sandman. In honor of that being Funk’s last match (at least for a month), Deacon is naming the upcoming month end show the Terry Funk Tri-Annual Retirement Spectacular and Gun Show. Frankly, we could use the extra revenue of a gun show. The popularity of the HSW is going down like Lizzy Borden in a frat house. He’s giving the entire roster one month, until July 11th to turn things around or there will be massive firings. MASSIVE FIRINGS! No one is safe. Well…except him, because it’s his fed after all, but other than that…MASSIVE FIRINGS! Thank you. Deacon stands up and leaves, revealing that he’s not wearing any pants. Lizzy Borden, Lady Victoria and a midget with a camera then emerge from under the desk.

Segment Rating 76%

Bobby Eaton Drew the Short Straw Match for the HSW Lukewarm Shit Title

Jorge Estrada vs Bobby Eaton:

Dropkick connects, Eaton goes down. Eaton reverses a waistlock. Jorge Estrada walks into a chop to the pecs. Estrada reverses an irish whip...and Bobby Eaton runs into the referee. Bobby Eaton uses something vaguely resembling a reverse suplex. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Bobby Eaton misses a clothesline. Estrada uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Eaton takes a hurrancarana from Jorge Estrada. Cover for a two count. Back heel kick off the second rope, Eaton goes down. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Bobby Eaton pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Bobby Eaton scores with a poor face jam on Jorge Estrada. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Estrada counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Bobby Eaton is in trouble. The Graceland! 1....2....3. I don't think the fight has finished. Jorge Estrada and Eaton have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

Winner: Jorge Estrada

(Remember when Bobby Eaton was good. You could still legitimately call Terry Funk “middle aged” back then. The Midnight Express aren’t exactly lighting the sky on fire like I had hoped. They complain it’s because they go against “The Rock ‘n Roll Express” week after week. THAT’S BECAUSE YOU THINK IT’S THE ROCK ‘N ROLL EXPRESS, DOUCHETARDS! I’m glad this isn’t real or I’d be popping Rolaids like Junior Mints.)

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 29%

Match Quality: 66%

“Pussy Magnet” Chris Nowinski comes down to the ring. He offers a special 3 Minute Skank Ho Blowjob Challenge. The contestant will give him a blowjob for 3 minutes and if she wins, she gets a face full of man juice. “I’m Going to Hire a Wino to Decorate our Home” by Lefty Frizzel blares from the speakers and Redneck Jesus Barry Windham comes out from the back! He’s answering the challenge!? Yuck, no, blech, disgusting! Nowiski goes pale with the fear that Windham wants to slurp his wiener and jumps out of the ring. Windham just came down to attack him and chases Nowinski through the crowd with the Gonad Whacker.

Segment Rating: 65%

I’m Cooler Than You, No I’m Cooler Than You Singles Match of Dudeness

Tazz's Cousin Chris Chetti vs Marty Fuckin' Jannetty:

Flying elbow from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Super frankensteiner on Chetti, who hit hard. Cover for a two count. Chetti counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Chetti hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Chetti hits a dropkick on Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. There's a two count on the pin. Jannetty walks into a face crusher variation. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Chetti uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Chetti only gets knees on a splash. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Chetti is down. There's a two count on the pin. Diamond Dust from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty, Chetti is out. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Second rope flying axe handle, Chetti goes down. Standing leg lariat by Marty Fuckin' Jannetty on Chetti. Chetti reverses a Marty Fuckin' Jannetty hammerlock. Driven DDT by Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Power drive elbow by Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Mark Henry runs down the aisle and into the ring, carrying a chair! Chetti turns...and gets floored with a chair to the head! The referee has no choice but to call for the bell! Disqualification! Jannetty and Henry are beating the hell out of Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett! Joey Numbers sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Marty Fuckin' Jannetty, exchanging punches, while Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett comes back, sending Henry out of the ring with a clothesline. YOUR Stacker 2 Connection have cleared the ring, driving off Jannetty and Henry! I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

Winner: Chetti by DQ

(Finally, one of our referees calls a disqualification, although after all this time it seems a little worked, kind of like getting a pin off of a backslide. Then again, it’s wrestling, it is supposed to be worked. That match was actually ten times better than anything you’ll see on RAW, until the finish which was your standard Triple H special. With Ahmed suspended, I think I’ll see if Jannetty can’t live up to rep and carry Henry. Jannetty’s into drugs about as much as Ahmed is into pork chops, so maybe it will even out.)

Overall Rating: 65%

Crowd Reaction: 60%

Match Quality: 71%

Chris Nowinski sneaks through the back, hoping he’s lost Windham, but runs smack dab into Terry Funk! Oh no, don’t tell Chris you want to give him a blowjob too? “Son, in my day the penis went into one hole and that was only after the 27th date and you had better have a ring in your pocket. If you didn’t, you could expect the girl’s father to have a gun barrel in your asshole, which was open, because penises didn’t go there. Hold it, is the plural of penis, penises or peni?” Nowinski can understand Funk being confused, because they were still drawing cave paintings and communicating with grunts when he was a boy. “Oh, you’re a riot kid, that’s so original. Why don’t you talk about how Jesus was in my yearbook? Oh, you can’t, because he wasn’t. He was absent the day they took school pictures.” Nowinski tells Funk that he doesn’t have a chance in hell against Sandman at the end of the month and he might as well retire now and leave that choice piece of Vulcan ass, T’Pol, for him. “I tell you son, peni go in the vagina, not the ass, you queer or something?” “I’m not gay, I’m a pussy magnent. You hear me old man, PUSSY MAGNET!” Nowinski storms off steamed.

Segment Rating: 77%

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham stalks through the back with the Gonad Whacker in hand still looking for Nowinki. What he does find is Coat Rack Steven Richards. Windham is aware that he needs to prepare for the Hot Shit Title match he has against the Sandman at the end of the night, but Chris Nowinski is his primary concern. That punk thinks he can storm in here and take the spots of men like himself and Terry Funk who invented this sport, literally. No, literally they did, Windham still has the Grecian urn depicting he and Funk grappling at the first Olympiad. Nowinski ain’t nothing but a punk ass Roscoe, but Sandman is a guy he can understand. Smoke cigarettes, drink Jack Daniels by the bottle, puke on people’s shoes, pass out and forget your name. Hell, slap a dress on Sandman and give him more armpit hair and Windham would call him grandma. And he’s going to use that understanding to take the title from him tonight! GO CRIMSON TIDE!

Segment Rating: 63%

Isn’t it Ironic Don’t You Think Singles Match for the HSW HTM TCB Title

“Carless” Mark Jindrak vs Repo Man:

Repo receives some punishment. Repo receives some punishment. Jindrak slams Repo Man down. Rude Awakening on Repo Man by Jindrak. Repo blocks a punch. Repo Man strikes Mark Jindrak. Repo Man hits a sloppy double axe handle. There's a two count on the pin. Repo Man gets taken down out of nowhere. Mark Jindrak hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Death valley driver by Mark Jindrak, Repo Man got planted. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Mark Jindrak misses a clothesline. Jindrak hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. Repo Man gets taken down out of nowhere. Running knee lift from Mark Jindrak. Repo Man can barely stand. Here it comes - Super Frankensteiner. 1....2...3, it's finished. Honky Tonk Man comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Jindrak turns around...straight into a Shake, Rattle and Roll!! Mark Jindrak has been left down on the canvas. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

Winner: Mark Jindrak

(See, Jindrak doesn’t own a car and the Repo Man repossess cars, but Jindrak doesn’t own one, but wants one and if he did have one Repo Man would repossess it anyway, but he can’t because Jindrak doesn’t have a car, but if he did Repo…oh, never mind.)

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 61%

T’Pol slides into the ring behind the Honky Tonk Man and gives him the Vulcan Death Grip. However, HTM is immune to the hold and turns around to deck T’Pol with a right hand and leave her lying on the mat! The Honky Tonk Man must be Ferengi! No, he’s just got so many fat rolls in his neck from that greasy southern food she couldn’t find the nerve.

Segment Rating: 58%

Coat Rack Steven Richards finds Sandman puking into a toilet. He’s just doing his pre-match ritual of cleaning out the system, so he’s pure and focused in the ring. Windham doesn’t know jack shit about him and jack left town. He’s not letting some horsemen reject who couldn’t carry Paul Roma’s jockstrap take the Hot Shit title away from him. Mostly because he doesn’t have it anymore. He pawned it for a fifth of Grape Mad Dog, after you get drunk you can use what’s left in the bottle to strip paint off the walls. However, he’ll be sure to have it back in time for the Terry Funk Tri-Annual Retirement Spectacular and Gun Show, because he wants Funk to see exactly what he’ll never hold aga…agai…aga…excuse him, the cleansing must continue. BLARGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Segment Rating: 80%

Pabst Blue Ribbon Invitational for the Hot Shit World Ti…uh…a Fifth of Grape of Mad Dog

Sandman vs Barry Windham:

Sandman hits a weak punch on Barry Windham. Windham blocks a kick from Sandman. Barry Windham hits a right hand on Sandman. Barry Windham misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Barry Windham scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Cover, but there's no one to count for Barry Windham. Windham only gets knees on a splash. Sandman punches away at Barry Windham. Big clothesline from Sandman. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sandman scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Barry Windham comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Big clothesline from Windham. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Sandman reverses a Barry Windham hammerlock. Chris Nowinski comes running down the aisle with a chair! Sandman whips Barry Windham into the ropes. Nowinski jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Nowinski, Windham, and the chair! Barry Windham staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Sandman and Nowinski are beating the hell out of Barry Windham! Terry Funk sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Sandman, exchanging punches, while Barry Windham comes back, sending Nowinski out of the ring with a clothesline. Funker \ Windham have cleared the ring, but it’s not over! Sandman and Nowinski retake the ring and the brawling continues! I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

Winner: Sandman

(That rollup is the most technical skill I have ever seen out of the Sandman. Having all these old fogies on top for name and promo value, while all the good workers toil unover on the under card is so WCW it makes my brain bleed.)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 65%

Match Quality: 55%

“Hair of the Dog” by Nazareth hits on the loudspeakers and the Deacon walks out. He hopes the four morons in the ring are enjoying their round of tickle, poke grab ass. However, why don’t they save it for next week where Windham and Funk will go against Sandman and Nowinski in a tag match! Crickets chirp. Uh…a tag match in the unforgiving confines of the steel cage! A tumbleweed rolls in front of the Deacon. Uh…and if the faces win they’ll be put into a triple threat match with Sandman for the Hot Shit Title. The crowd’s snoring threatens to drown out the show’s audio. And…if the heels win T’Pol and Lady Victoria will be force to recreate the ass to ass scene from “Requiem for a Dream.” YAY! WHOO! ASS TO ASS! The audience goes ballistic! Joey Styles sets his tie on fire! Terry Funk has cookie sheets to the head for everyone!

Segment Rating: 76%

Show Rating: 66%

TV Rating: 1.81

Attendance: 361 sickos who are way too into the whole ‘ass to ass’ concept

The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour for June 14th, 2003

Taped at random intervals from the Plumbing (aka-the basement of the Toilet)

Hosts: Steve Michael Payton and the Honky Tonk Man

Giant Gonzalez announces that The Deacon has put him in charge of The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour, because he doesn’t really give a shit about it. Gonzalez promises to be a fair and impartial booker and starts off by putting Austin Lee into a handicap match with the Hard Rodz. Sophie threatens the Negative Pee-Pee Dance and Gonzalez says fine, Lee can have Alter Boy Luke as a tag partner

Alter Boy Luke and Austin Lee then defeat the Hard Rodz through botched interference by Lizzy Borden

The FlockNest Monster does a promo where he threatens to shoot a puppy in the face with a .44 Magnum if people don’t start liking him PRONTO!

The Midnight Express defeat Politically Incorrect through cheating to retain the Hot Shit Tag Titles

“Carless” Mark Jindrak cleanly pins Anus Boy Matthew to retain the HSW HTM TCB Title

Show Rating: 47%

April 27, 2003

Just curious whats your PI at this point?

Great Thread though!

April 27, 2003

PI is currently at 37%, I started at 50%.

I realized that I just started too high for the talent I had and weeding some people out and bringing some more people in in the next few months of the game should help.

From what I've figured, a show rating below 60 lowers my PI, between 60 and 65 it stays the same and anything over 65 raises it.

April 29, 2003

Bah, no wonder I'm doing so well

May 3, 2003

BUMP, fucking tournaments.

May 3, 2003

I've been working a lot this week, writing a big match for the SWF and also starting up another EWR fed for the Challenge down in the gaming folder. So, I know it's been awhile since I posted a show, but I should have one up by Monday night. Thanks to the faithful.

May 4, 2003

no problem, Deacon, take your time, the wait is worth it.

May 4, 2003

THANK THE LORD!

May 7, 2003

HSW Steaming Funk for June18th, 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

An ambulance screams up to the front of the building. Deacon and Gonzalez are there to greet it. The back opens and Terry Funk is rolled out on a gurney. “Would you tell these douchetards I’m not dead!” Apparently they found him lying in the middle of the highway with a temperature of 56 degrees and no pulse. That’s actually normal for Terry Funk. T’Pol runs out and informs them that Funk was taking part in a cleansing ritual to prepare himself for The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM). After his body retires at the Terry Funk Tri-Annual Retirement Spectacular and Gun Show, his soul will live on in The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM). Whoever heard of a cleansing ritual that involved taking a nap in the middle of the highway? Haven’t you ever seen The Program? “She’s got you there boss.” “Shut up Gonzalez.”

Segment Rating: 76%

Jim Cornette’s Big Fat Mamma Invitational Tag Match for the HSW Tag Team Titles

Memphis Mafia vs Midnight Express:

Bilvis Wesley hits a weak elbow on Bobby Eaton. Bilvis suplexes Bobby Eaton badly. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to Jorge Estrada. Memphis Mafia whip Eaton into the corner. Jorge Estrada whips Bilvis Wesley in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Second rope flying axe handle, Eaton goes down. Cover for a two count. Spinning back kick from Jorge Estrada. Estrada drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Face-first suplex from Eaton, but not done very well. Tag to Stan Lane. Stan Lane strikes Jorge Estrada. Big clothesline from Sweet Stan. Sweet Stan drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Tag between Jorge Estrada and Bilvis Wesley. Bilvis Wesley hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Flapjack from Bilvis on Sweet Stan. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Weak-ass knife-edge chop from Bilvis. Ricky Steamboat would be ashamed of that chop. Bilvis drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Big clothesline from Sweet Stan. Bilvis Wesley climbs to the top rope, ready to leap at Sweet Stan. Jorge Estrada bounces off the ropes for an elbow drop without seeing his partner, and crotches Bilvis by accident. Bilvis Wesley can barely stand. Martial Arts Kick!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Estrada and Bilvis remain in the ring, arguing. Bilvis Wesley looks really angry. Jorge Estrada pushes Bilvis away and walks off, looking furious. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

Winner: Midnight Express

(A lot fate intervening in that one. It looks like even the gods want Jorge Estrada to break loose from the Memphis Mafia and embrace his inner Paunch. As opposed to Ahmed Johnson who has embraced his outer paunch by evidence of that spare tire around his belly-welly.)

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 49%

Match Quality: 61%

Terry Funk is in his private dressing room, humming “Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover” by Sophie B. Hawkins and slathering himself with peanut butter so he can further prepare for The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM). He hears a knock at the door and asks who it is. “Pizza delivery man.” C’mon haven’t we done that gag like a dozen times? Yeah, but that was back in the XPW, the new fans here haven’t seen it yet. Oh, all right. Funks says in droll deadpan, “Hmm…I don’t remember ordering a pizza. But pizza’s are yummy, yes, yummy, yummy, yummy. I have pizza in my tummy.” He opens the door where upon Sandman and Chris Nowinski stone him with a case of canned mackerel. “Ow! I have been duped. Ow! I can’t believe that there was no pizza. Ow! I bet I could fry up this mackerel though. Ow!”

Segment Rating: 80%

Bilvis Wesley and Jorge Estrada are still arguing as they reach the Memphis Mafia dressing room. The Honk Tonk Man tells them to break it up. He’s not too pleased with the way Jorge has been acting lately and to test his loyalty to the Mafia he’s going to have him drop the gun and take the canoli…no! he’s going to have Jorge in his corner for the match he has later tonight against GQ Money. Man, there was nothing funny in that segment at all. The Memphis Mafia drop their pants and waddle around the room going, ‘wacka-wacka-wacka.” There, that’s better.

Segment Rating: 72%

Sandman and Chris Nowinski are in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. Barry Windham sucks, blah, blah, blah. Terry Funk is an old fart who invented the concept of ‘happy’ he’s so damn old, blah, blah, blah. Sandman grabs a blender and makes mackerel-vodka smoothies while Nowinski sings “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, and that’s how babies are born.

Segment Rating: 83%

Ok, You Guys Have Drugs, but They’re Not Really Drugs Tag Match

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection vs Jannetty \ Henry:

Big forearm by Henry, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Mark Henry hits a bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Jannetty \ Henry whip Numbers into the corner. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty whips Mark Henry in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Driven DDT by Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Cover for a two count. Stiff high kick on Numbers by Marty Fuckin' Jannetty who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Joey Numbers elbows Marty Fuckin' Jannetty in the face to break a hammerlock. Diving headbutt from Numbers, not much elevation. Tag to Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Jannetty takes a flying neckbreaker from Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Flying reverse elbow by Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty fights out of a grapple. Jannetty tags out to Mark Henry. Mark Henry hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Side suplex from Henry. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Henry. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Mark Henry punches away at Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Chetti kicks Mark Henry in the gut to reverse the momentum. Lightning kick by Chetti on Henry. Mark Henry is in big trouble...Extreme Weight Loss!! 1....2....3! The fight has started up again! YOUR Stacker 2 Connection attacks Jannetty \ Henry, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

Winner: YOUR Stacker 2 Connection

(I so forgot I named their tag finisher the Extreme Weight Loss. Mark Henry comes too and he looks like Jimmy Walker. He runs around in a circle, screaming “spandex, bring me spandex.” Dude, you’re already wearing spandex. Henry is pleased with his new physique, but I’d hide all that canned mackerel laying around the back.)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 68%

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham stalks into the Deacon’s office and lays an x-ray on his desk. Man, this looks like the Dallas beltway at rush hour. It’s Terry Funk’s insides after the mackerel stoning, good thing those paramedics from the top of the show hung out for free breast-flavored tea. Yeah, but didn’t we also establish at the top of the show that Terry Funk is naturally fucked six ways to Sunday. Yeah, but this takes it seven and Windham will need a new partner for the tag match at end of the night with Nowinski and Sandman. All right, Deacon consents to letting him find a new partner. But not his brother Kendall, he’s the best beer man they’ve got in the crowd. (After the show, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays stole beer man Kendall Windham.)

Segment Rating: 77%

I Think We’ve Beaten the Music Arguing Into the Ground Singles Match so We’ll Skip It

GQ Money vs Honky Tonk Man:

GQ hits a back kick. Honky Tonk Man fights out of a grapple. Suplex into a front slam from HTM, but the execution was terrible and it ended up more like a regular suplex. HTM hits a badly done swinging DDT on GQ Money. Jorge Estrada comes running down the aisle with a chair! HTM goes to irish whip GQ Money into the ropes. Estrada hits GQ with a chair to the back! Honky Tonk Man moves in for the kill. Shake, Rattle and Roll! 1....2....3. HTM and Estrada are putting the boots to GQ Money! Julio Dinero comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending HTM \ Estrada running for cover. Julio Dinero bends down to help GQ back up. Wait! Honky Tonk Man slides back in and attacks! Julio Dinero fights back...but is then jumped by Estrada as well! Both Dinero and GQ are subjected to a beat down by HTM \ Estrada, leaving them down and out on the canvas. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

Winner: Honky Tonk Man

(Scott Keith might not have been impressed but a suplex into a front slam and a swinging DDT is a hell of a move set for the Honky Tonk Man. I’ve also got to say that kicking the crap out of people and not running away like a little girl is new for him too. Things look calm in the Memphis Mafia, but HTM wants to watch Clambake on AMC while Jorge is dying to see that Erik Estrada soap opera on Telemundo. Disgraceland tries to get them to place nice, but it’s a lost cause.)

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 46%

Match Quality: 52%

T’Pol is in the back talking to Redneck Jesus Barry Windham. She’s pushing “Carless” Mark Jindrak on Barry Windham as his partner. He refuses, because it would be a completely heatless putz of a teaming. Yeah, but he was in the New Blackjacks. Ok, if I team with Jindrak he’ll want to sleep in the back of my truck and that’s where Grandman sleeps. He can sleep in the front of the truck. No, that’s where Chieftain sleeps, because he has a severe gas problem and it bothers Grandma. What a coincidence, so does Jindrak, they’re farting can cancel each other out or destroy the ozone layer, which ever comes first. As Redneck Jesus, Barry Windham is all for the destruction of the ozone layer and consents to Jindrak as his partner.

Segment Rating: 58%

T’Pol goes to tell Jindrak the good news and is confronted by Lady Victoria. She’s not too enthused by this whole ‘ass to ass’ thing if Sandman and Nowinski win. T’Pol doesn’t mind it as it’s the 57th trial of Vulcan cleansing to prepare for The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM). Where does that music keep coming from? Anyway, Victoria might have done it on a lot of back roads, but the Hershey Highway is not one of them (discounting that “BUTT Bongo Victoria” tape we made before leaving XPW, but Lady Victoria probably doesn’t remember that as she was stoned on horse tranquilizers). You know girls, we’re running a little short on time, could you just hurry it along. T’Pol and Lady Victoria get into a wild fight, rip each other’s clothes off and are ‘accidentally’ covered with a vat of marshmallow cream.

Segment Rating: 51%

Tag Team Cage Match for a World Title Shot or Ass to Ass Loving, Guess Which One the Fans Want More

Sandman \ Nowinski vs Jindrak \ Windham:

Jindrak hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. Barry Windham hits a right hand on Sandman. Chris Nowinski hits a right hand on Mark Jindrak. Sandman comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Messed up bodyslam by Sandman. Nowinski \ Sandman hook up Jindrak, then hit a double suplex. Big clothesline from Nowinski. Sandman climbs the cage...but Barry Windham is in hot pursuit, and they both end up back on the canvas. Jindrak counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Mark Jindrak throws Nowinski into the cage. Mark Jindrak scoops up Sandman. Windham bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Chris Nowinski takes a right hand to the temple from Windham. Chris Nowinski elbows Mark Jindrak in the face to break a hammerlock. Chris Nowinski launches Windham into the cage wall. Nowinski and Jindrak both climb up and over the cage, leaving their partners battling it out. Lady Victoria appeared on the outside, and came in via the door...and floored Barry Windham with a chair! Sandman took the opportunity and left the cage to get the win for Nowinski \ Sandman! Jindrak \ Windham don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack Nowinski \ Sandman, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Sandman and Nowinski

(Uh…I thought Lady Victoria didn’t want to do the whole ass to ass thing. Women, can’t live with them, can’t rape them under penalty of law. I’m sure this will be explained further on the next show (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Terry Funk had to be removed from the match, as he’s too damn old to climb a cage. You could say he could leave via the door, but walking through doorways gives him problems anymore.)

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 60%

Match Quality: 56%

Show Rating: 64%

TV Rating: 1.82

Attendance: 380 people who just came for the beer and free mackerel

The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour for June 21st, 2003

Taped at random intervals from the Plumbing (aka-the basement of the Toilet)

Hosts: Steve Michael Payton and the Honky Tonk Man

The Midnight Express defeat Austin Lee and Alter Boy Luke by cheating to retain the HSW Tag Team Titles

The FlockNest Monster threatens to blow up an orphanage unless people start liking him. Maybe if he actually wrestled it would help.

The FlockNest Monster defeats Joey Numbers by cheating. Austin Lee runs in post match to inform the referee of what transpired and he and FlockNest Monster get into it. This actually causes the FlockNest Monster to lose heat, so he goes back to not wrestling.

Sophie promos for Austin Lee in the back, running down the FlockNest Monster, not so much for what just happened in the ring, but because he stole the stapler off her desk.

Jorge Estrada cleanly pins GQ Money to retain the Lukewarm Shit Title. He proceeds to beatdown Money, but Dinero makes the save to chase him off. Estrada then jaws at the Honky Tonk Man, who is working commentary at ringside, for not running to help him out after he help him beat GQ on Steaming Funk. Wow, that actually reads like a real angle.

Show Rating: 58%

My savvy negotiation got The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour moved to an Early Evening timeslot. Look for full summaries of the show to now take place and less emphasis on the losers in the fed. Well…I guess that would be everybody then.

May 8, 2003

WrestlingDeacon...

*worships him* I'M NOT WORTHY~!

Seriously, if I'm ever in a position (GOD I WISH) to hire some staff for a wrestling company, you'd be tops on my list. Seriously, you just are too good with the comedy. Loved the show(s).

May 14, 2003

BUMP, would it be so hard just limit those fucking tournament to ONE thread?

May 14, 2003

You guys always seem to do a bump when I'm planning on putting a new show up. I should have one up later tonight. I've just been so busy lately and have a lot of other stuff going on on the boards too.

May 14, 2003

like i said before, the wait is worth it, take your time

May 14, 2003

You guys always seem to do a bump when I'm planning on putting a new show up. I should have one up later tonight. I've just been so busy lately and have a lot of other stuff going on on the boards too.

Dude take your time. As you might've seen, I'm not having a fair time with my own self to even keep up-to-date with the Challenge.

I'm about 3/4 of the way caught up. So you having problems with getting this up on time is no problem.

May 16, 2003

HSW Steaming Funk for June 25th, 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

The show opens with Sophie walking into Deacon’s office. He sees that she missed his foot long salami and just had to come back to Steaming Funk. Not quite, do to her savvy negotiating skills and the fear instilling negative pee-pee dance, Sophie has The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour moved to a late night time slot on USA. In return, she demands that herself and Austin Lee be restored to the full roster along with the other losers…oh, she’s sorry, she means uber-losers exiled to Potato Hour. Great, now instead of being on after Toxic Avenger part VII, they’re on before. Deacon guess that means he’ll actually have to start paying attention to the show and not let Giant Gonzalez book it with a pair of D&D dice. Gonzalez walks in with a grocery sack. He knows Deacon sent him out for six gallons of KY jelly for the ass-to-ass bit, but the Astorglide was on sale. Ass-to-ass? Sophie is appalled. Deacon tries to explain, then just hangs his head and whimpers, “I’ve missed you so.” “Hey, boss, I also stopped by the deli and got that foot long salami you wanted.”

Segment Rating: 81%

Battle of the Oppressed Minorities Singles Match for the Right to Mow my Lawn

World’s Strongest Man, Jumpin’, Leapin’, Flyin’ Mark Henry vs The Miserly Jew:

Weak bodyslam on Henry by MJ. The Miserly Jew hits a shaky delayed suplex on Henry. There's a two count on the pin. Mark Henry reverses a hip toss. Mark Henry hits some weak-looking punches. Incredibly weak powerslam on MJ by Henry. Cover for a two count. Henry DDTs The Miserly Jew. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Punch by Henry, missing MJ by a good six inches. Mark Henry misses a clothesline. Powerslam from The Miserly Jew on Henry. Cover for a two count. The Miserly Jew uses something vaguely resembling a reverse suplex. Pin, but Henry is out just before the three count. The Miserly Jew uses an armbreaker to take Henry down. The Miserly Jew hits a right hand on Mark Henry. Henry counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Uninspiring brawling from Mark Henry. Mark Henry scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. The Miserly Jew is in trouble. Here it comes – Not So Big Splash. 1....2...3, it's finished. Slap a DUD on it, move on.

Winner: World’s Strongest Man, Jumpin’ Leapin’ Flyin’ Mark Henry

(Henry is all about his extreme weight loss from the tag match last week. He feels so much lighter on his feet, hence the name change so he can officially be declared the worst wrestler of all time. Hell, he even let the Miserly Jew live and it’s not like him to pass up a kosher meal. Mower’s in the shed, get to work Mark.)

Overall Rating: 43%

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 49%

T’Pol comes down to the ring for the ass-to-ass segment. She puts herself in a trance to prepare herself, but has no problem with the act as it will better help her to prepare for The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM). Lady Victoria’s music, “Smack My Bitch Up,” hits but she’s nowhere to be seen. Giant Gonzalez comes through the backstage curtain with Victoria slung on his back kicking and screaming. He throws her in the ring and lubes up the dildo. Before he can insert it, Chris Nowinski appears from out of the crowd and blindsides Gonzalez with a milk crate full of Pat Boone albums. He grabs Victoria and heads for the back while the fans boo the swerve (Russo Booking~! Drink). Gonzalez thinks about pursuing, but rolls a 37 with his dice and instead sodomizes T’Pol with a +3 salami to the delight of the fans. See, it all ties together.

Segment Rating: 57%

We’re Going to Keep Wrestling Until You Hand Over the Good Drugs Singles Match

Marty Fuckin' Jannetty vs Joey Numbers:

Joey Numbers arm drags Jannetty over. Joey Numbers hits a crap missile dropkick on Jannetty. Hooks the leg for a two count. Joey Numbers misses a clothesline. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty scores with a back heel kick on Numbers. Flying elbow from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Hooks the leg for a two count. Numbers walks into a face crusher variation. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Jannetty hits a dropkick on Joey Numbers. Joey Numbers ducks a clothesline attempt. Joey Numbers uses a running dropkick into the corner. Cover for a two count. Flying knee to the face from Joey Numbers. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Numbers hits a spinning back kick. Forearm to the face from Numbers on Jannetty. Joey Numbers misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Jannetty hits a dropkick on Joey Numbers. Tiger suplex on Numbers, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty ducks a Numbers clothesline and does a quick roll up. Jannetty has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Mark Henry comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! Numbers turns...and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! Mark Henry has left Numbers down and bloodied. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty

(Henry is now addicted to Stacker 2 and steals all that Numbers has on him. Numbers is more than happy to sell him some, but buying drugs is beneath Henry. However, he’s not against stealing car stereos and trading. You have to have your morals. Then he looks over at Jannetty and finds that argument a moot point.)

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 68%

Lady Victoria and Chris Nowinski are in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. She is thrilled that Nowinski has saved her and in reward she has decided to take him on as her new client…as a wrestler…not with that hooker thing she does on the side. Wait…managing me is a GOOD thing that will HELP my career? How about you just do me a sexual favor…I don’t know, ass to ass? Hey, you just saved me from ass to ass. Right…so that means you’re opposed to ass to ass then? Damn, Nowinski knows he should have honed the Vulcan babe, the kinky shit you could do with those ears.

Segment Rating: 61%

Hey, Esse, Viva La Raza Singles Match for the Lukewarm Shit Title and the Right to Clean my Pool

Jorge Estrada vs Julio Dinero:

Estrada hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Dinero powers out of a headlock. Spinning back kick from Julio Dinero. Julio Dinero misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Tiger suplex on Estrada, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Cover, but there's no one to count for Julio Dinero. Dinero walks into a trip. Spin kick by Jorge Estrada to the face. Estrada crushes Dinero with a big legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Springboard dropkick from Jorge Estrada. Nicely done. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Dinero counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Super kick by Julio Dinero. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Jorge Estrada avoids a Julio Dinero avalanche. Jorge Estrada moves in for the kill. The Graceland! 1....2....3. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Jorge Estrada

(Post match, Dinero and Estrada reveal that they’re truly huge Tito Puente fans and plot to kill the Honky Tonk Man with their hot Latin rhythms. Net is on the side wall there, get to raking the pool, Jorge. Don’t mind the clumps of bear fur, Gonzalez is shedding again.)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 49%

Match Quality: 66%

Jorge Estrada walks back to the Memphis Mafia locker room where they’re playing Ants in the Pants to kill time. Thing is, they have a real colony of fire ants and they dump them down Bilvis Wesley’s drawers and watch him dance around like Sophie on crack. Estrada is pissed that the Honky Tonk Man wasn’t at ringside for his match watching his back. Well…he was…uh…doing ass to ass?…NO! HTM was busy booking a tag team match for the two of them at the Terry Funk Tri-Annual Retirement Spectacular and Gun Show against “Carless” Mark Jindrak and…uh…that other guy…you know the one with the teeth and the hair. Yeah, Teeth and Hair man, he’s good. Jorge grumbles and stalks off. “Strangely I don’t mind the ants building a colony up inside THERE.”

Segment Rating: 70%

Last Minute Plot Development Singles Match

Honky Tonk Man vs Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti:

Chetti takes a snap suplex from Honky Tonk Man. HTM uses a neckbreaker on Chetti. HTM suplexes Chetti to the canvas. Chop from HTM on Chetti. Chetti reverses a Honky Tonk Man hammerlock. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti hits a rolling kick on HTM. Super kick by Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Hooks the leg for a two count. HTM drops out the back of a Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti bodyslam attempt. Honky Tonk Man scores with a poor face jam on Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Cover for a two count. Honky Tonk Man nearly ends the career of Chetti with a screwed up dragon suplex. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Chetti blocks a punch. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti strikes HTM. Honky Tonk Man ducks a clothesline attempt. Chetti takes a sloppy snap suplex from Honky Tonk Man. The referee watches as the two wrestlers go to the outside and start brawling around ringside. He completes a ten count, and they are still outside, having ignored the count. This match is over via double count out. The fight has started up again! Honky Tonk Man attacks Chetti, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

Winner: Nobody, most of all those in the audience who didn’t take a smoke break.

(I don’t care how sloppy it is, the Honky Tonk Man busting out Dragon Suplexes and face jams impresses the shit out of me. I’m going to re-christen him Lucha Honky and bring in Super Crazy for him to feud with.)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 64%

Match Quality: 57%

Cut to backstage where HTM and Chetti are still brawling. Honky asks him to hold up a second. He’s an old, fat and needs to catch his breath. HTM offers to buy Chetti a beer. He has to pass as drinking alcohol on Stacker 2 gives you the Hershey squirts like having a candy bar in your back pocket at the equator. Ok, back to brawling then, hey Chetti your boot is untied. “Hey thanks…wait, these are Velcro I don’t know how to tie my own sho…” BWAM! Disgraceland smashes the glass ant farm over Chetti’s head and they beat the crap out him for shits and giggles.

Segment Rating: 66%

Deacon walks into Chris Nowinski’s locker room, Sandman is in there along with Lady Victoria in a Batgirl outfit and a case of Pam cooking spray. Excuse him for barging in on some good, clean, non-stick fun, but the Deacon is not happy with Nowinski breaking up the promised ass-to-ass goodness. In punishment, Nowinski is booked in a handicap match against 2 Tickets 2 Paradise on The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour, where if he loses he and Anus Boy Matthew are going to get to know each other a lot more intimately…and after the romantic dinner they’re going to do ass-to-ass. Chris is livid while Sandman laughs his fool head off. Chuckle away whiskey dick, because ass-to-ass didn’t happen the other part of the match stip does and Sandman will face Jindrak and Windham for the Hot Shit Title on Friday!

Segment Rating: 66%

Having a Car Would Make You a Pussy Magnet, Ironic eh? Singles Match

“Pussy Magnet” Chris Nowinski vs “Carless” Mark Jindrak:

Fallaway slam by Mark Jindrak. Big piledriver on Nowinski. Cover for a two count. Nowinski blocks a punch. Mark Jindrak takes a right hand to the temple from Nowinski. Jindrak gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Hooks the leg for a two count. Side suplex from Nowinski. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Jindrak gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Jindrak reverses a waistlock. Jindrak hits a stump piledriver on Chris Nowinski. Hooks the leg for a two count. Mark Jindrak scores with a big spinebuster. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Mark Jindrak uses a forearm to the face. Nowinski counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Nowinski slams Mark Jindrak down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Side suplex from Nowinski. Lady Victoria is at ringside! Jindrak wastes valuable time by yelling at Lady! Chris Nowinski takes advantage of the distraction and nails Jindrak from behind! Mark Jindrak is in trouble. Double Underhook DDT!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Nowinski and Lady are beating the hell out of Mark Jindrak! T'Pol sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! She goes toe-to-toe with Chris Nowinski, exchanging punches, while Mark Jindrak comes back, sending Lady out of the ring with a clothesline. T'Pol \ Jindrak have cleared the ring, driving off Nowinski and Lady! It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Chris Nowinski

(I love how I book Jindrak as a complete putz (in fact I believe that’s his gimmick) here and in my MWWC fed for the EWR challenge in the gaming folder he’s a complete Nazi badass working for Joel Gertner and knocking out Mike Barton like he was Butterbean. Damn, I wish Butterbean were in the game, and Mr. T and Mongo. That would be a sweet ass stable. I should name Nowinski’s double underhook DDT, any suggestions are welcome. I’m not running a contest though, as I’m not sure if I’ll get back to doing regular updates and still haven’t received Edwin MacPhisto’s picks of new talent from the last contest. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 56%

Match Quality: 61%

Show Rating: 61%

TV Rating: 1.85

Attendance: 377 sexual deviants named Uncle Hank.

May 17, 2003

The Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour for June 28th, 2003

Taped at random intervals from the Plumbing (aka-the basement of the Toilet)

Hosts: Steve Michael Payton and the Honky Tonk Man

The show opens with Chris Nowinski walking down to the ring with Lady Victoria, Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty, “Hot Shit” Tony Stetson and the FlockNest Monster in tow. They are all out there to debut their new stable the ~PUSSY PATROL~ complete with double tilde bang. That’s right, Nowinski will lead his new stable, including the newly named Pussy Monster, into battle for life, liberty and the pursuit of poontang! Barry Windham comes out and tells Nowinski to shut his pie hole. The Pussy Patrol looks like nothing more than the Flock-Nest to him. And you can’t name a guy the Pussy Monster. Why not? There’s a Cookie Monster, he eats cookies on T.V. Why can’t the Pussy Monster eat…hey now! Windham charges the ring, but is beaten down by the Pussy Patrol. Pussy whipped you could say. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I kill me.

Segment Rating: 80%

Nacho Hat Fetching Squash Match of Boredom

Honky Tonk Man vs Joey Numbers:

HTM suplexes Joey Numbers badly. Honky Tonk Man moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Shake, Rattle and Roll. 1....2...3, it's finished. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti comes running down the aisle with a chair, and gets into the ring! Chetti hits HTM with a chair to the back! Honky Tonk Man goes down to the canvas, hurt. Rating: 1\2 star.

Winner: Honky Tonk Man

(Man, there’s nothing I have to say about that match. They wouldn’t let that kind of crap go down on RAW and they hired the Road Warriors, at least I haven’t stooped that far yet. You know…I should book the Midnight Express more.)

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 53%

“Carless” Mark Jindrak is in the back trying to pick out magazines so he can enter the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes and hopefully win the third prize of a new car. They say that buying magazines don’t improve your chances, but that’s a damn lie. Taz’s Cousin Chris Chetti runs in and asks if Jindrak has found a partner yet for his tag match at the Terry Funk Tri-Annual Retirement Spectacular and Gun Show against HTM and Estrada. Uh…no. Well, you’ve got one now. “Cool! Would you read a subscription of Cat Fancy magazine if I got it for you?”

Segment Rating: 54%

Handicap Match Where if Nowinski Loses He and Anus Boy Matthew get Intimate…Then do Ass to Ass

Chris Nowinski vs 2 Tickets 2 Paradise:

Weak headbutt on GQ by Nowinski. Running clothesline from Chris Nowinski, sloppily done. Weak bodyslam by Nowinski. There's a two count on the pin. Chris Nowinski with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on GQ. GQ Money powers out of a Chris Nowinski headlock. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise whip Nowinski into the corner. GQ Money whips Julio Dinero in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Julio Dinero hits a rolling kick on Nowinski. GQ Money hits a shaky delayed suplex on Nowinski. Julio Dinero scoops up Nowinski. GQ bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Cover for a two count. Face-first suplex from GQ. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Lame kick from Nowinski. Driven DDT by Julio Dinero. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise hook up Nowinski, then hit a double suplex. Hooks the leg for a two count. Nowinski takes a snap suplex from GQ Money. GQ only gets knees on a splash. Nowinski blocks the suplex attempt. Side suplex from Nowinski. Julio Dinero can barely stand. Double Underhook DDT!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

Winner: Chris Nowinski

(Voila, I completely swerve out of the whole ass-to-ass thing. Just between you and me, I’ve never even see Requiem for a Dream, but ass to ass sounded right up my alley…well not literally my literal alley, but you get the drift.)

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 66%

Hey…look at all this salami on the buffet…and it’s not moldy! Terry Funk and The Sandman leap for the buffet, see each other and start trading insults. “Yo, Funk, you’re so old you DJ’d the Boston Tea Party.” “Yeah, well Sandman, you’re so drunk and nasty, a skunk smelled your ass and passed out.” “Yeah, Funk, you’re so old you used to baby-sit Yoda.” “Sandman, you’re so nasty you bit your dog and gave it rabies.” “Yo, Funk, you’re so old you owe Fred Flintstone a food stamp.” “Sandman, you’re so nasty you’ve got more crabs than Red Lobster.” “Funk you’re so old you don’t go into antique stores, because they’d keep your saggy ass.” “Yeah, Sandman, you’re so damn nasty you have to call Janet, ‘Miss Jackson.’” Oh them’s fighting words. The two get into it until officials think about pulling them apart, then decide to just let them keep going.

Segment Rating: 80%

I Drank so Much I see Four of You, Triple Threat Hardcore Match for the Hot Shit World Title

Sandman vs Mark Jindrak vs Barry Windham:

Dropkick connects, Sandman goes down. Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Mark Jindrak uses a forearm to the face. Sandman drops out the back of a Mark Jindrak bodyslam attempt. Sandman smashes a Playstation console over the head of Jindrak. Weak bodyslam by Windham. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Big backdrop on Windham, executed well. Windham powers out of a headlock. Sandman \ Windham hook up Jindrak, then hit a double suplex. Sandman drops Jindrak with a clothesline. Windham hits Sandman with a plastic dinosaur. Sandman blocks a kick from Barry Windham. Weak slam from Sandman. Mark Jindrak slams Sandman, who rolls onto his stomach. What is Sandman doing? Mark Jindrak picks him up and signals for a powerbomb. He raises Sandman up...but then falls backward, getting crushed by his opponent in the process! Sandman is on top! 1....2....3! Looking at the replay, it appears that Sandman had taken a chain out of his tights and wrapped it around his fist! Mark Jindrak must have been punched with that chain while in mid-powerbomb! What a cheap shot! It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Sandman

(Ok, so slapping someone with a playstation and a rubber dinosaur is kosher in a hardcore match, but watch those real weapons like a chain. Whoo-boy that’s not hardcore enough for our tastes, here smack him with this aluminum trash can instead. But lord knows the Sandman going into his tights is never a good thing, just ask Anus Boy Matthew. “Find a happy place…find a happy place!”

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 66%

Show Rating: 62%

TV Rating: 1.81

Attendance: 361 guys who are still waiting for some ass to ass to go down.

Card for Terry Funk Tri-Annual Retirement Spectacular and Gun Show

Lord, You Guys are STILL Feuding Singles Match

Austin Lee vs. The FlockNest Pussy Monster

Eddie Money Lost in the ‘80’s Invitational Tag Match for the HSW Tag Team Titles

The Midnight Express vs. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise

First Blood Singles Match (which should be decent as Stacker 2 makes your blood thin like Kate Moss on a hunger strike)

The World’s Strongest Man Jumpin’ Leapin’ Flyin’ Mark Henry vs. Joey Numbers

Like You Don’t See What’s Coming at the End of This One Tag Match

The Honky Tonk Man and Jorge Estrada vs. Taz’s Cousin Chris Chetti and “Carless” Mark Jindrak

If Anybody’s Patrolling my Sister’s Pussy, It’s Me Singles Match

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham vs. Pussy Magnet Chris Nowinski

I Quit, Barbed Wire, Steel Cage, Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Hardcore, Texas Death, Iron Man Submission Match of Mind Altering Suffering to be the Last Man Standing for the HSW Hot Shit World Title

Sandman vs. Terry Funk

May 17, 2003

New name for Nowinski's Double Underhook DDT: The KY Driller.

May 20, 2003

Terry Funk Tri-Annual Retirement Spectacular and Gun Show

June 29th, 2003

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

We sprung for the ‘special look ring.’ The ring is in the shape of a .44 magnum, making it the most powerful wrestling ring in the world and will take your head clean off if you take a piledriver bump wrong.

Lord, You Guys are STILL Feuding Singles Match

Austin Lee vs FlockNest Monster:

Spinning bulldog in the corner, Monster is down. FlockNest Monster can barely stand. Degenerate Driver! 1....2....3. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(I can see why the match was so short (aside from the fact that the FlockNest Monster is about as well liked as an X-Pac-athon), as post show I got a report that the FlockNest Monster is injured and will be out 16 months with a ruptured uterus…hey…wait a minute…it doesn’t take 16 months to heal a ruptured uterus!)

Winner: Austin Lee

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 39%

Match Quality: 75%

T’Pol comes down to the ring in a genie costume and stands on her head while chanting the script for “The Hudsucker Proxy” backwards in Swedish. This is, of course, preparation for The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM). Lady Victoria walks out and tells T’Pol to quit this stupidity as no one gives a damn about The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM) unless she means The Other Ones and that’s only because they’ll touring with Dylan. They get into a shouting match and T’Pol uses her superior Vulcan strength for evil by stripping Lady Victoria to her skivvies and then forces her to the mat so she can hump her face. This isn’t in preparation for The Other (DUM-DUM-DUM), I just wanted to write ‘humps her face.’

Segment Rating: 60%

Eddie Money Lost in the ‘80’s Invitational Tag Match for the HSW Tag Team Titles

2 Tickets 2 Paradise vs Midnight Express:

Bobby Eaton snap suplexes Dinero...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Suplex into a front slam from Eaton, but the execution was crap. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Stan Lane. Stan Lane scoops up Dinero. Eaton bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Sweet Stan slams Julio Dinero down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. There's a two count on the pin. Chop from Sweet Stan on Dinero. Julio Dinero elbows Stan Lane in the face to break a hammerlock. Diamond Dust from Julio Dinero, Sweet Stan is out. Tag between Julio Dinero and GQ Money. GQ hits an arm drag on Sweet Stan. GQ suplexes Stan Lane badly. GQ only gets knees on a splash. Sweet Stan tags out to Bobby Eaton. Sloppy short range spear from Bobby Eaton. Eaton hits a badly done swinging DDT on GQ Money. Pin, but GQ is out just before the three count. Chop from Eaton on GQ. GQ Money powers out of a Bobby Eaton headlock. Suplex into a front slam from GQ, but the execution was crap. Bobby Eaton is in big trouble...Shakin'!! 1....2....3! Whump Ass Express come running down into the ring. They nail GQ Money from behind, then grab Dinero and hit the Kickin' Your Ass! With him out of the way, they drag GQ Money to the outside...and promptly put him straight through the announcer's table with a double slam! Whump Ass Express have destroyed 2 Tickets 2 Paradise! I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winners and new champions: 2 Tickets 2 Paradise

(Fuckin’ aye! The Whump Ass Express whump ass post match. The Kickin’ Your Ass is a double superkick…to the ass. Stan and Bobby can’t quiet fathom the Rock ‘n Roll Express doing a run in on the Rock ‘n Roll Express, so they go to drown their sorrows in a God Damn Lonely, which is sweet vermouth and Banker’s Club Vodka mixed with Pepsi Max and Windex for a chaser.)

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 67%

First Blood Singles Match (which should be decent as Stacker 2 makes your blood thin like Kate Moss on a hunger strike)

The World Strongest Man Jumpin’ Leapin’ Flyin’ Mark Henry vs Joey Numbers:

Weak kick from Henry. Big forearm by Henry, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Numbers takes a weak clothesline. Numbers counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Back heel kick from Numbers on Henry. Henry counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Henry hits a stump piledriver on Joey Numbers. Side suplex from Henry. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Henry. Joey Numbers comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Numbers hits a quick kick on Henry. Henry reverses a waistlock. Big forearm by Henry, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Heavy D just came running down the aisle! He throws a lead pipe to Mark Henry! Joey Numbers turns around...and gets blasted over the head with it! I'll give it a 0. 4 on the Muta scale. The referee sees blood, and calls for the bell! This one gets * rating and likes it.

Winner: Mark Henry

(Misawa just called me and he didn’t find the forearm to be that funny. He also would like to remind Scott Keith that he still owes him fifty bucks for the pleasure of letting him suck his majestic dick. I then channeled the spirit of Dino Bravo through a Ojai board and he’s not too pleased with Keith ragging on him, especially since if he would have paid off the ‘pleasure of sucking Dino Bravo’s dick tax’ he could have paid off the Canadian mafia and still be alive today. However, it’s the Canadian mafia which really doesn’t sound that menacing and I say it was Dino’s own fault for not powerslamming them to hell in the first place. And who bootlegs cigarettes across international borders any way, you might as well just drive down to Texarkana and pick up 400 cases of Coors while you’re at it. Uh…was there some sort of match I was supposed to be making fun of here or something?)

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 46%

Match Quality: 56%

Like You Don’t See What’s Coming at the End of This One Tag Match

HTM \ Estrada vs Jindrak \ Chetti : Honky Tonk Man slams Chetti down. Honky Tonk Man scores with a poor face jam on Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Cover for a two count. HTM tags out to Jorge Estrada. Jorge Estrada scoops up Chetti. HTM bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Driven DDT by Jorge Estrada. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Hooks the leg for a two count. Estrada hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Springboard dropkick from Taz's Cousin Chris Chetti. Nicely done. Tag to Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak with a spinning neckbreaker on Estrada. Spinebuster by Mark Jindrak. Estrada counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Tag to Honky Tonk Man. Brutal forearm by HTM, who is evidently going the Misawa route...but without any of the talent. Face-first suplex from HTM. Pin, but Jindrak is out just before the three count. Honky Tonk Man slams Jindrak down. HTM only gets knees on a splash. Super kick by Mark Jindrak. Honky Tonk Man climbs to the top rope, ready to leap at Jindrak. Jorge Estrada bounces off the ropes for an elbow drop without seeing his partner, and crotches HTM by accident. Honky Tonk Man can barely stand. Super Frankensteiner! 1....2....3. Estrada and HTM remain in the ring. Honky Tonk Man does not look happy at losing. Jorge Estrada goes to leave, but gets pulled back in by HTM. Tensions seem to be rising between these two. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

Winners: Jindrak and Chetti

(Dude, the Honky Tonk Man went up top! That’s as frequent as Carrot Top getting laid. I half expected the moon to turn blood red and the seas to boil. I should have had them make the split here, but why not drag it out as long as possible. I mean, that’s working for Steiner and Test right? Right? Although fighting over Bilvis Wesley isn’t the same as fighting over Stacy Keibler, not to say that Bilvis doesn’t have a sweet ass in his own right. Post match, Misawa drives to Scott Keith’s apartment and gives him a Miracle Ecstasy Bomb through a coffee table. “Stop taking my name in vain…BITCH!”)

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 57%

Match Quality: 63%

There was supposed to be a hype video for the Chris Nowinski vs. Barry Windham match here, but Gonzalez taped a rerun of “Hardcastle and McCormick” over it on accident. We showed that instead and got a pretty good reaction. My writer’s think I should push William Katt more. I explain to them that that’s Daniel Hugh Kelly, who looks like Williams Katt, but he’s a blonde and was on the Greatest American Hero and…by that point the joke falls apart much like the next match will.

Segment Rating: 69%

If Anybody’s Patrolling my Sister’s Pussy, It’s Me Singles Match

“Redneck Jesus” Barry Windham vs “Pussy Magnet” Chris Nowinski:

Barry Windham takes a right hand to the temple from Nowinski. Chris Nowinski misses a clothesline. Windham strikes away at Chris Nowinski. Barry Windham misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Sloppy tornado punch from Barry Windham, Nowinski barely got hit. Cover, but there's no one to count for Barry Windham. Nowinski kicks Barry Windham in the gut to reverse the momentum. Chris Nowinski with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Windham. Chris Nowinski DDTs Windham, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. There's a two count on the pin. Chris Nowinski turns Windham inside-out with a clothesline. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Chris Nowinski misses a clothesline. Powerslam from Barry Windham on Nowinski. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Chris Nowinski ducks a clothesline attempt. Barry Windham hooks up a suplex, but it is blocked. Nowinski scores with a low blow, then turns it into a small package! The referee didn't see the illegal blow! 1...2...3! Barry Windham got screwed out of the victory! I don't think the fight has finished. Barry Windham and Nowinski have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Chris Nowinski

(Post match, Nowinski turns on his pussy magnet powers to attract an impenetrable wall of pussy around him that Windham can’t fight through. He then uses the powers of Boone’s Farm to get the pussy wasted and continues laying the smack down on Nowinski’s ass, which he strangely finds erotic. So, Windham takes a low blow into a ‘small package’ and is ‘screwed’ out of the victory. Scott Keith: “Good puns, huh, Misawa?” Misawa: “Shut the fuck up!”

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaciton: 62%

Match Quality: 58%

Thankfully we have the hype video for the Terry Funk vs. Sandman match. They are shown standing on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and hunched over like linemen, staring at each other intently. A deep voice narrator intones, “Two ancient warriors stand on the field of battle, bitter enemies to the death preparing to fight to it with the crowd roaring in their ears and the blood pumping in their veins…” The two then look up to see where that voice is coming from and wonder what they hell they’re doing here in the first place. An NFL films parody? To quote John Madden from The Simpsons “that doesn’t make a lick of sense.” (and yes, I’m looking at you WWE) Sandman and Funk say to hell with it and decide to leave the stadium. “Hey, I hear Don Majkowski runs a bitchin’ tail gate party.”

Segment Rating: 72%

I Quit, Barbed Wire, Steel Cage, Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Hardcore, Texas Death, Iron Man Submission Match of Mind Altering Suffering to be the Last Man Standing for the HSW Hot Shit World Title

Terry Funk vs Sandman:

Incredibly weak headbutt on Funker by Sandman. Funker takes a weak clothesline. Funker takes a weak clothesline. Terry Funk elbows Sandman in the face to break a hammerlock. Massive backbreaker, Sandman got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. Terry Funk misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Messed up bodyslam by Sandman. Sandman scores with a weakly-hit standing spinebuster. Sandman only gets knees on a splash. Funker slams Sandman. Sandman blocks a kick from Terry Funk. Sandman hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Terry Funk elbows Sandman in the face to break a hammerlock. Terry Funk climbs to the top rope...but Sandman gets back up, and charges! Funker gets knocked off the top...and goes crashing to the outside, landing hard on the concrete floor! Sandman climbs out with a microphone and shoves it in the face of Terry Funk...who has no choice but to quit! The pain was too much. Sandman then hits Terry Funk with a garbage can, powerbombs him through a table, hits him with a steel chair, rakes his face into the barbed wire, re-enters the ring and climbs out of the cage, allows the referee to count to ten after the pinfall, debates whether Funk saying “I Quit” can also be counted as a submission, drinks a fifth of mad dog, then climbs the ladder to claim the title. Terry Funk extends his hand to Sandman...but it is ignored! **1\2 rating for a decent contest.

Winner: Sandman

(You know, that sucked worst than I though it would. I was going to write a match that incorporated all the stips involved, but that would require work and thought and the semblance that I don’t write these diaries drunk and stoned while watching porno out of the corner of my eye on the T.V., so I just tossed in everything at the end. It’s stupid and horrible and fits right in to the rest of the federation. Stay true to your calling. Right Misawa? “Did I not say shut up bitch?”)

Overall Rating: 70%

Crowd Reaction: 77%

Match Quality: 57%

Show Rating: 63%

Attendance: 1875 Charlton Heston fans who just came for the free gun! (Someone tell Michael Moore so he can make a documentary about us.)

The USA Network says that ratings need to improve on the Miserly Jew’s Potato Hour or it will get canceled. This is after they bumped us to a better time slot. I guess what was ever in the ‘peace pipe’ Sophie had them smoke wore off.

May 21, 2003

We sprung for the ‘special look ring.’ The ring is in the shape of a .44 magnum, making it the most powerful wrestling ring in the world and will take your head clean off if you take a piledriver bump wrong.

Stan and Bobby can’t quiet fathom the Rock ‘n Roll Express doing a run in on the Rock ‘n Roll Express, so they go to drown their sorrows in a God Damn Lonely, which is sweet vermouth and Banker’s Club Vodka mixed with Pepsi Max and Windex for a chaser

Misawa just called me and he didn’t find the forearm to be that funny. He also would like to remind Scott Keith that he still owes him fifty bucks for the pleasure of letting him suck his majestic dick. I then channeled the spirit of Dino Bravo through a Ojai board and he’s not too pleased with Keith ragging on him, especially since if he would have paid off the ‘pleasure of sucking Dino Bravo’s dick tax’ he could have paid off the Canadian mafia and still be alive today. However, it’s the Canadian mafia which really doesn’t sound that menacing and I say it was Dino’s own fault for not powerslamming them to hell in the first place. And who bootlegs cigarettes across international borders any way, you might as well just drive down to Texarkana and pick up 400 cases of Coors while you’re at it. Uh…was there some sort of match I was supposed to be making fun of here or something?)

There was supposed to be a hype video for the Chris Nowinski vs. Barry Windham match here, but Gonzalez taped a rerun of “Hardcastle and McCormick” over it on accident. We showed that instead and got a pretty good reaction. My writer’s think I should push William Katt more. I explain to them that that’s Daniel Hugh Kelly, who looks like Williams Katt, but he’s a blonde and was on the Greatest American Hero and…by that point the joke falls apart much like the next match will.

Deacon, you have proved once again that you are the man. any William Katt reference makes you a God in my book. keep up the good work.

May 22, 2003

After reading the lastest HSW, I always wonder how Deacon can top the last show, but somehow he does it.

*marks out for the Don Majkowski reference*

Hot Shit Wresting EWR Diary

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