Hot Shit Wresting EWR Diary

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Must...bump...thread!

 

And I find it hilarious somewhat that once Deacon's XPW comes to an end, so does the real XPW. Now, if I start seeing HSW shows advertised, I'm gonna start wondering .

[Guest Lightning Flik]

Must...bump...thread!

 

And I find it hilarious somewhat that once Deacon's XPW comes to an end, so does the real XPW. Now, if I start seeing HSW shows advertised, I'm gonna start wondering .

You know, I'm wondering that myself. Truly weird.

[Guest Suicide King]

"Carless" Mark Jindrak = Christ figure. Discuss.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Note the user title.

 

In 2004...a chicken in every pot...and no cars in every garage.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

HSW Steaming Funk for May 7th, 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

 

Why Can’t We be Friends Religious Differences Six Man Tag Match

eXXXiles vs Irishman\MJ\Luke:

Kick from Anus Boy Matthew to the leg. Second rope flying axe handle, Irishman goes down. Tag to Roderick Strong. Hard back suplex on Irishman. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Roderick crushes Irishman with a running senton. Cover for a two count. Roderick tags out to Rod Steel. Hard Rodz whip Irishman into the corner. Roderick Strong whips Rod Steel in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Irishman gets caught with a short powerbomb from Steel. The Drunk Irishman elbows Rod Steel in the face to break a hammerlock. Weak bodyslam on Steel by Irishman. Tag to The Miserly Jew. The Miserly Jew with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Steel. The Miserly Jew scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Pin, but Steel is out just before the three count. MJ slams Rod Steel down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. MJ tags out to Alter Boy Luke. Steel walks into a high dropkick from Alter Boy Luke. Flying elbow from Alter Boy Luke. Luke only gets knees on a splash. Tag to Anus Boy Matthew. Luke takes a flying neckbreaker from Anus Boy Matthew. Luke tags out to The Drunk Irishman. Irishman strikes away at Anus Boy Matthew. Anus Boy Matthew comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. The Drunk Irishman hooks up a suplex, but it is blocked. Matthew scores with a low blow, then turns it into a small package! The referee didn't see the illegal blow! 1...2...3! The Drunk Irishman got screwed out of the victory! Yuck. DUD.

(Let me break into layman’s terms what my writers are saying about the eXXXiles: “Nobody gives a shit. They’re unover losers and Lizzie Borden isn’t doing them any favors. She’s a skank ho that sucks up dick and crack with equal gusto. They’re all decent workers and you could probably get them over with time, but since you’re propping up the main event with guys roughly 200 years old with stupid gimmicks like they don’t own a car, time might not be a luxury you have.” Please, note that the Drunk Irishman got ‘screwed’ out of the victory. Scott Keith is wittier than Pigmeat Markham.)

Winner: eXXXiles

Overall Rating: 43%

Crowd Reaction: 19%

Match Quality: 68%

 

Coat Rack Steven Richards has Austin Lee and Sophie the Savage Secretary in the back. She’ll manage Austin Lee if she wants to and the Deacon can’t stop her. If he tries she’ll cast some bad mojo and give him negative penis. That’s what savage’s do. But she’s also a secretary and all the workers need to have their insurance forms to her by Friday or there’s enough negative penis mojo to go around. Austin Lee: “Man, I’m glad it’s not my penis getting negatized.” However, tonight she has to focus on Lee’s rematch with the FlockNest Monster. Sophie dances in a circle chanting, “Unga bunga, unga bunga, no personal calls on the office phone, unga bunga, unga bunga”

Segment Rating: 97% (honestly, I’m as surprised as you are. I think it has something to do with that whole “negative penis mojo.”)

 

No This Isn’t a Rerun, It’s Just Bad Booking Singles Match

FlockNest Monster vs Austin Lee:

Stiff high kick on Monster by Austin Lee who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. FlockNest Monster elbows Austin Lee in the face to break a hammerlock. Monster hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Austin Lee charges, Monster moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Springboard dropkick from FlockNest Monster. Nicely done. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. FlockNest Monster misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Second rope flying axe handle, Monster goes down. Lee crushes Monster with a running senton. Cover for a two count. Monster walks into a face crusher variation. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. FlockNest Monster ducks a clothesline attempt. Monster crushes Lee with a running senton. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Lee blocks a kick from FlockNest Monster. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Lee turns...and falls for the distraction! FlockNest Monster runs at Lee from behind...but misses! FlockNest Monster collides with Lady Victoria! FlockNest Monster can barely stand. Degenerate Driver! 1....2....3. Monster \ Lady are beating down on Austin Lee! The music of Sophie hits, and she comes running down the aisle into the ring. Monster and Lady bail out of the ring, leaving Austin Lee down in the ring. Sophie may have saved Austin Lee from a brutal beating. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(FlockNest Monster didn’t want any of that negative penis mojo going his way. Not that he doesn’t have penis to spare mind you. As for Lady Victoria…she figured that maybe Sophie had some negative clit mojo in her bag of tricks too. “Negative Clit Mojo,” weren’t they a punk band out of L.A. back in ’78?)

Winner: Austin Lee

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 36%

Match Quality: 76%

 

Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty struts down to the ring to his theme music, a bunch of monks chanting his name over the Imperial March from Star Wars. He was on a tear last week in the Rumble that is Royal. He threw out some of the best workers in the HSW, like Alter Boy Luke and T’Pol. However, he gets jumped from behind by that dirty, sneaky Commie, Nikita Koloff! Koloff comes out to once again remind everyone that he is no longer a Communist and that the USSR doesn’t exist. “That’s what they want us to think, you pinko bastard!” Koloff charges the ring (as fast as he can move, so we break for a commercial and a Padres game). He and Jannetty get into it until officials (still winos we dragged off the street) break them up. Koloff accepts a match for later tonight! He turns back to Marty before leaving and asks, “What did you call me?” “A pinko bastard!” “Oh, I thought you said PLINKO bastard. Don’t bad mouth the Price is Right around me.”

Segment Rating: 72%

 

Jorge Estrada walks into the Memphis Mafia locker room talking on his cell phone. He hangs up and tells Disgraceland that he will have to substitute for him in the tag match with 2 Tickets 2 Paradise tonight. That was “Carless” Mark Jindrak on the phone and he’s challenging him to a match for interferring in his match with HTM last week. Uh…they’ve already done that angle tonight. Yeah, but he doesn’t know that. He’s not here and that’s why he was phoning in his challenge. You take the 22A bus to get to the arena, but on Wednesdays it’s the 22B and he wound up in Crackton. Disgraceland is unsure on whether he can substitute, since the tag team is officially Estrada and Wesley. Jorge assures him that it’s fine, they’re like the triad, any three of them can tag. Yeah, but we’re a Mafia not a Triad. Organized crime is organized crime, the Mafia is Italian, the Triad is Chinese, no biggie. Wesley thought the Triad was Japanese. No, that’s the Yakuza and you don’t fuck with Yakuza. Now you know and knowing is half the battle. Go Memphis Mafia!

Segment Rating: 73%

 

GQ and Julio Down by School Yard Tag Team Match

2 Tickets 2 Paradise vs Dissy \ Bilvis:

Punch by Bilvis, missing GQ by a good six inches. Big clothesline from Bilvis. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Hooks the leg for a two count. Bilvis tags out to Disgraceland. Dissy \ Bilvis whip GQ into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Big forearm by Dissy, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. There's a two count on the pin. Incredibly weak headbutt on GQ by Dissy. GQ blocks a kick from Disgraceland. GQ Money uses something vaguely resembling a reverse suplex. Tag between GQ Money and Julio Dinero. Second rope flying axe handle, Dissy goes down. Flying reverse elbow by Julio Dinero. Dissy powers out of a headlock. Dissy tags out to Bilvis Wesley. Messed up bodyslam by Bilvis. Chin crusher by Bilvis Wesley, the execution wasn't great though. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Some weak shots by Bilvis. Dinero blocks a punch. Bilvis takes a hurrancarana from Julio Dinero. Bilvis Wesley climbs to the top rope, ready to leap at Dinero. Disgraceland bounces off the ropes for an elbow drop without seeing his partner, and crotches Bilvis by accident. Julio Dinero moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Super Kick. 1....2...3, it's finished. The fight has started up again! 2 Tickets 2 Paradise attacks Dissy \ Bilvis, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Rating: 1\2 star.

(I thought for twenty minutes on something funny to write about this match, but couldn’t come up with anything. I just sat there and stared at my computer screen, but WGN was showing a McCloud movie and I’ve got some microwaveable burritos in the freezer with my name on them. So, fuck it. I could tell you about going to a strip club the other day, but if you’ve had one heroin addict shove her tits in your face, you’ve had them all.)

Winner: 2 Tickets 2 Paradise

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 39%

Match Quality: 53%

 

Giant Gonzalez is filling Deacon in on Sophie still managing Austin Lee against his wishes. He’ll have to deal with her next week, as he has to present the Sandman with his car and announce the name of next month’s pay per view. Sandman trips in and downs an entire fifth of Jose Cuervo. Deacon asks him if he’s picked a name for the next ppv. “Yeah, let’s call it….let’s ca….let’s…BLAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!” Sandman pukes all over the Deacon’s shoes. He looks down calmly and says, “HSW Bloody Vomit it is then.”

Segment Rating: 84%

 

I’m Walking in Memphis, but Then Again, I Walk Everywhere Singles Match

“Carless” Mark Jindrak vs Jorge Estrada:

Mark Jindrak with a spinning neckbreaker on Estrada. Nice piledriver on Estrada. There's a two count on the pin. Estrada counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Jindrak walks into a high dropkick from Jorge Estrada. Hard back suplex on Jindrak. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Hooks the leg for a two count. Back heel kick off the second rope, Jindrak goes down. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Hard back suplex on Jindrak. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Estrada only gets knees on a splash. Nice piledriver on Estrada. Hooks the leg for a two count. Spear! Estrada is down and hurt. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Flying shoulder tackle by Jindrak sends Estrada to the mat. Jindrak bodyslams Jorge Estrada. Jindrak only gets knees on a splash. Flying elbow from Jorge Estrada. Tornado DDT from Jorge Estrada, Jindrak got planted. Honky Tonk Man comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Mark Jindrak turns around.... Shake, Rattle and Roll!!! That shook the ring. HTM leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three. Jorge Estrada pinned Jindrak. Honky Tonk Man remains in the ring. Mark Jindrak pushes the referee away, then spins HTM around! Mark Jindrak hits the Super Frankensteiner! Honky Tonk Man has been floored after the match. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(Again we have a referee who allows blatant cheating in a standard match and the Honky Tonk Man has the ability to leave the ring and still be in it at the same time. Some habits from the XPW die-hard. Post match, Jorge Estrada and HTM duet on “Don’t Cry Daddy” while Jindrak is preoccupied trying to read the local bus schedule so he can get home. “Home” being a cot at the Salvation Army.)

Winner: Jorge Estrada

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 70%

 

Deacon and the Sandman walk out to the parking lot to get his new car. The Sandman is sorry for puking on his shoes. Deacon says not to sweat it, Gonzalez says he knows a guy who works well with leather and can get them cleaned up good as new. We won’t ask how he knows him. Deacon presents the Sandman with a 1986 Plymouth Reliant station wagon K-car with a license plate that says “FRESH” and dice in the mirror. Sandman drunkenly slurs, “I thought you said the winner got a new car?” “Hey man, it’s new to you.” Deacon goes over the finer points of the car “It’s missing the gas cap, so we just stuffed an oily rag in there. It might leak a little when you drive it, just a blown gasket, nothing big to worry about and there’s a slight problem with the driver’s seat.” What problem? “Well…there’s isn’t one, but I had Gonzalez glue a couple milk crates together.” Sandman isn’t too happy with the car, but doesn’t have time to say much. A semi truck comes barreling through and runs over top of the car! Terry Funk sticks his head out the window while honking the horn and screams, “I’M RICH, BEYOTCH! *UR-URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*” Funk screams off and Sandman jumps into the remains of his car to follow in hot pursuit like he was Buford T. Justice in Smokey and the Bandit 2, because frankly we’re not nearly as good as the first film.

Segment Rating: 84%

 

I’ll Super Kick You Through a Kremlin Window Singles Match

Nikita Koloff vs Marty Fuckin' Jannetty:

Jannetty hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Jannetty hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Jannetty uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Koloff counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Punch by Koloff, missing Jannetty by a good six inches. Nikita Koloff DDTs Jannetty, poorly executed. Cover for a two count. Jannetty counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Lightning kick by Jannetty on Koloff. There's a two count on the pin. Tornado DDT from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty, Koloff got planted. Pin, but Koloff is out just before the three count. Nikita Koloff powers out of a Marty Fuckin' Jannetty headlock. Incredibly weak headbutt on Jannetty by Koloff. Jannetty reverses a Nikita Koloff hammerlock. Second rope flying axe handle, Koloff goes down. Barry Windham comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Nikita Koloff turns around.... Lariat!!! That shook the ring. Windham leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin, three count, it's over. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty pins Koloff. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(I love how Koloff uses technical counters like the “kick” and the “punch.” I’m thinking my referee is either Eddy Long, because he doesn’t care about the blatant run-ins, or Ray Charles, because he’s blind as a bat. Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty is non-plussed by the win, after all he is Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty.)

Winner: Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 63%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Barry Windham stays in the ring to continue the beat down. He strangles Koloff with a cowbell he got from Dusty Rhodes, a coat hanger he picked up from the Varsity Club, a branding iron he bought from Terry Funk off of ebay (oh, the irony), he pulls a sledgehammer out of his tights, but then decides that that’s just a little too phallic. So, he jumps to the floor, reaches under the ring, roots around and pulls out…~THE GONAD WHACKER~! Windham smacks Koloff in the junk 209 times before paramedics (the winos had to change costumes) pulls him off and whisk Koloff off for medical attention. Hopefully, Dr. Nick is in.

Segment Rating: 71%

 

Show Rating: 68%

TV Rating: 2.10

Attendance: 400 people who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time

 

I thought it was funny that XPW folded about the time mine did too and that I was running in this game that the XPW had closed anyway. If Rob Black starts promoting HSW shows, could I sue?

 

I was pondering the “Carless” Mark Jindrak is a Christ figure question. He does walk everywhere like Jesus did and doesn’t seem to tire from it. You could kind of count 2 Tickets 2 Paradise as his “disciples” by them being in the same stable and what is Paradise, but the Kingdom of Heaven.

[Guest Sandman9000]

GONAD WHACKER~! How I have missed thee....

 

::Marks out like marking out has never marked out before::

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty struts down to the ring to his theme music, a bunch of monks chanting his name over the Imperial March from Star Wars.

 

If I ever come back to the SWF, that's my goddamn theme music, right there. I spit cappucino all over my desk thanks to this, you asshole.

 

I am somewhat terrified by the ridiculously high quality of your promo segments this week. It's a madhouse, this modern life.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

HSW Steaming Funk for May 14th, 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

 

The show starts with Deacon and Sophie the Savage Secretary already fighting in the back. Deacon can’t understand why Sophie continues to manage Austin Lee against his will and Sophie can’t understand how to put more toner in the copier. If she doesn’t get away from that punk, Deacon is going to wrap that Lee in bacon and feed him to Gonzalez. Sophie throws salt on the floor and goes into a tribal dance, “Unga bunga, unga bunga, use a cover sheet on all faxes, unga bunga, unga bunga, tiny pee-pee.” Ok, ok, fine, she can manage Lee, but he’s not going to give either of them preferential treatment and can’t be held responsible if the FlockNest Monster kicks her as…aspertaine addiction. Drink Diet Riet.

Segment Rating: 77%

 

Chill Out, I’m a Repo Man, Not a Narco Man Singles Match for the Lukewarm Shit Title

Repo Man vs Austin Lee:

Weak headbutt on Lee by Repo. Austin Lee pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Dropkick connects, Repo goes down. Austin Lee misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Repo walks into a face crusher variation. Cover, but there's no one to count for Austin Lee. Repo counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Repo slams Austin Lee down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Big clothesline from Repo. There's a two count on the pin. Repo Man turns Lee inside-out with a clothesline. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Austin Lee fights out of a grapple. Super frankensteiner on Repo, who hit hard. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Austin Lee gets taken down out of nowhere. FlockNest Monster comes running down the aisle with a chair! Repo goes to irish whip Austin Lee into the ropes. Monster hits Lee with a chair to the back! Repo Man moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Double Axe Handle. 1....2...3, it's finished. FlockNest Monster obviously hasn't finished his attack yet! Austin Lee stands up...and gets floored! FlockNest Monster climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Moonsault!!! FlockNest Monster eventually leaves, having caused enough damage. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(One of Repo Man’s finishers is the Double Axe Handle. That’s gold. I like how it’s in caps likes it’s the name of a special move. I love this guy more by the day. Post match, Repo Man steals…ur, I mean ‘repoes’ Lee’s bong and sells it to the Drunk Irishman, who thought it was a Jack Daniels decanter. His evil knows no bounds.)

Winner: Repo Man

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 68%

 

Sophie pulls Austin Lee out of the ring and starts up the ramp with him (it’s pretty much just a skateboard ramp, it’s just there so we can say ‘ramp’). Lady Victoria cuts them off…by standing there doing nothing, but she’s doing nothing in a really menacing way. The FlockNest Monster jumps the pair from behind and rips the bone out of Sophie’s nose. Damn, that’s got to hurt. It was her good dress bone, now she only has her other old bone she wears in her nose for casual Friday.

Segment Rating: 68%

 

The scene opens with Anus Boy Matthew, Roderick Strong and Rod Steel driving in a jeep dressed as army officers. A narrator intones over the scene, “If you only see one pornographic movie in your lifetime…see Gangbang Bitches 28, but if you see TWO pornographic movies in your lifetime, make the second BITCH ON THE RIVER K-Y!” Cut to the Hard Rodz looking at a map with Strong intoning in a fake British accent, “This is a river made completely of K-Y Jelly and here,” he strikes the map “is a bitch in need of servicing. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but this is a porno movie.” Anus Boy Matthew pops up from behind and says, “I’ll stay here in camp with the men and fuck them up the ass…DAMN! Did I say fuck them up the ass, I meant fuck them up the ass…D’OH!” The narrator returns over a montage of clips, “Jena Jameson says, ‘This is stupid even by my standards.’ Porn legend Ron Jeremy enthuses, ‘the lighting is decent’ and we strapped Roger Ebert to a chair and sodomized him with a tennis racket until he admitted, ‘It’s a movie.’ BITCH ON THE RIVER K-Y!” Cut to twenty guys gangbanging Lizzy Borden knee deep in a viscous liquid. Rod Steel stands on a stump nearby and says, “It is quite understandable. It's a very natural reaction. But one day, in a week, a month, a year, on that day when, God willing, we all return to our homes again, you're going to feel very proud of what you have achieved here on the face of this woman. What you have done should be, and I think will be, an example to all our countrymen, soldier and civilian alike. You have screwed with honor, that and more, here in the wilderness. You have turned defeat into victory. I congratulate you. Well done.” “BITCH ON THE RIVER K-Y! Coming to DVD if we ever get the funding!”

Segment Rating: 20% (Honestly I couldn’t agree with that more.)

 

Matthew’s Wet Dream Singles Match With a Sweaty, Fat, Black Guy

Anus Boy Matthew vs Mark Henry:

Driven DDT by Anus Boy Matthew. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Henry is down. Hooks the leg for a two count. Henry ducks a wild right hand. Mark Henry hits some weak-looking punches. Weak slam from Henry. Hooks the leg for a two count. Henry DDTs Anus Boy Matthew. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Incredibly weak powerslam on Matthew by Henry. Henry drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Lightning kick by Matthew on Henry. There's a two count on the pin. DDT from the top rope by Anus Boy Matthew. That looked brutal. Pin, but Henry is out just before the three count. Matthew hits a dropkick on Mark Henry. Anus Boy Matthew strikes Henry. Mark Henry reverses a hip toss. Weak slam from Henry. Side suplex from Henry. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Henry. Anus Boy Matthew gets knocked to the ground by Henry. Here it comes...Backbreaker Submission! Anus Boy Matthew taps! DUD.

(For being the “World’s Strongest Man” Henry does everything real weakly. Maybe I should name him “World’s Strongest Man Jumpin’ Leapin’ Mark Henry” so he sucks that much more. Speaking of suck, Matthew wants to give Henry a ‘no hard feelings’ blowjob. If you know anything about Mark’s career, he’s not as adverse to it as one might think. Unlike the WWE, I’ll hint at sick shit, but I’m not going to show it to you. Less is more, especially in a situation where you have a former alter boy sexually pleasuring a huge ass black guy.)

Winner: Mark Henry

Overall Rating: 39%

Crowd Reaction: 20%

Match Quality: 59%

 

Nikita Koloff is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. He’s still smarting from the attack at the end of last week’s show by Redneck Jesus Barry Windham. How bad did he beat him with the Gonad Whacker? Let’s put it this way, he’s going to have to change his name to Le Femme Nikita Koloff now. Windham runs in with his coon dog Chieftain. He points at Koloff and says, “KILL!” Chieftain takes a piss, then falls asleep in it. Koloff tries to attack while Windham is distracted and the two fight over the Gonad Whacker. Windham points behind Nikita’s back and yells, “It’s Vanessa Angel from the end of Spies Like Us!” Koloff turns around to scope the babeage, but it’s a dirty trick and Windham crotches him with the Gonad Whacker before heading for the hills.

Segment Rating: 60%

 

Deacon walks out to the ring with a piece of paper in his hand and a bic pin. It’s a contract signing, let’s the get the damn thing over with. Terry Funk and Sandman come out. They sign the paper, then everyone stands around the ring with their thumbs up their asses. Deacon coughs a couple times and motions at Sandman. What? Oh…yeah, yeah, it’s a contract signing. Sandman attacks with a Corby’s bottle while Funk tries to fend him off with a cookie sheet. Funk knocks the bottle out of his hand and brains him with the cookie sheet. Funk celebrates while the Deacon hangs his head and sighs. You’re the face Terry; you’re supposed to be the one beaten up. Oh…Funk lies down and Sandman jumps up like nothing happened and starts celebrating. Deacon cries.

Segment Rating: 88%

 

We’re Lucky Eddie Money Doesn’t Have a Daughter Producing Bad Albums Singles Match for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs Julio Dinero:

Julio Dinero strikes HTM. HTM backdrops Julio Dinero out of a piledriver attempt. Dinero takes a snap suplex from Honky Tonk Man. Honky Tonk Man misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Ugly-looking short powerbomb by HTM. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Dinero reverses a Honky Tonk Man hammerlock. Spin kick by Julio Dinero to the face. Super frankensteiner on HTM, who hit hard. Cover for a two count. Vicious kick to the teeth from Julio Dinero. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Julio Dinero misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Sloppy short range spear from Honky Tonk Man. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Honky Tonk Man gets taken down out of nowhere. Dinero scores with a forearm, sending HTM down into the corner. The referee pulls Julio Dinero away to get the break. Wait! HTM has pulled something out of his tights. Julio Dinero walks over...and gets floored by a punch! No, the referee saw the brass knuckles! We have DQ decision! Julio Dinero offers a handshake to HTM...and he accepts it! No! Honky Tonk Man levels Dinero with a cheap shot right hand! Honky Tonk Man hits the Shake, Rattle and Roll! Julio Dinero has been floored after the match. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(I think I’ll put HTM and Henry in a tag team called “Weak and Sloppy.” Notice how I’m doing the old HTM gimmick of him losing every match by DQ to keep the title. Then the dumbass face offers a handshake and he floors him. He’s not going to shake your hand he’s the bad guy. This is Jim Cornette booking 101. HTM tells everyone that he’s cool, he’s cocky he’s bad and Anus Boy Matthew runs out because he thought he said, “I could use some cock bad.” So, it’s a lousy pun. Call it Ole Anderson booking 101.)

Winner: Julio Diner by dq

Overall Rating: 53%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Match Quality: 54%

 

Infinites Coolness vs. Potatoes Have Too Much Starch Tag Match

Stetson\Jannetty\Windham vs Numbers\Chetti\Koloff:

Koloff receives some unexciting punishment. Big kick from Windham. Windham tags out to "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Tag to Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Whump Ass Express whip Koloff into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Koloff counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Uninspiring brawling from Nikita Koloff. Tag between Nikita Koloff and Joey Numbers. Face crusher from Numbers on Jannetty. Flying knee to the face from Joey Numbers. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Jannetty walks into a spinning heel kick, evidently feeling that the 'duck' tactic is over-rated. Tag between Joey Numbers and Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett strikes Jannetty. Chetti uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Jannetty tags out to Barry Windham. Barry Windham hits a right hand on Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Tag between Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett and Nikita Koloff. Uninspiring brawling from Nikita Koloff. Nikita Koloff hits a bulldog off the ropes. Barry Windham is in trouble. Here it comes - Russian Sickle. 1....2...3, it's finished. This one gets * rating and likes it.

(Koloff is shocked he got the pinfall, especially since he’s missing his testicles and all. Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty destroys all the faces, heals an AIDS baby at ringside and discovers the secret to time travel post match to get his heat back because he’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty.)

Winners: Nikita Koloff and Your Stacker 2 Connection

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 60%

 

T’Pol and “Carless” Mark Jindrak are in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. The Jindrak revenge tour continues on as now he wants to get back at Sandman for tossing him out of the Rumble that is Royal two weeks ago and costing him a new car. Sure he saw what the car was, but beggars can’t be choosers. It’s like being drunk at 2 a.m. at a Weight Watchers meeting and hard up for pussy. T’Pol realizes that she’s the valet for a dork who doesn’t own a car and smoke comes out of her ears as her brain can’t process the illogical circumstances. Jindrak is still pissed at her for not owning a space ship anyway. It might be hard on gas and takes up 37 parking spaces, but it’s a badass ride. Jindrak would even put hydraulics on it.

Segment Rating: 59%

 

I Don’t Have to Worry About Drunk Driving, but Then Again I Don’t Have Any Money to Drink on Singles Match

Mark Jindrak vs Sandman:

Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Jindrak hits a stump piledriver on Sandman. There's a two count on the pin. Sandman reverses a waistlock. Sandman hits some weak-looking punches. Uninspiring brawling from Sandman. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Sandman on Jindrak. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Sandman hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Jindrak counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Spear by Mark Jindrak. Cover for a two count. Lifting DDT by Mark Jindrak, looked good. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Mark Jindrak hits a rolling kick on Sandman. Sandman receives some punishment. Sandman elbows Mark Jindrak in the face to break a hammerlock. Punch by Sandman, missing Jindrak by a good six inches. Sandman scores with a weakly-hit standing spinebuster. Mark Jindrak grabs Sandman from behind and shoves him into the ropes, then scores with a roll-up...but Sandman rolls through with the move! He used a pull of the tights to get Jindrak over! 1....2...3! The referee was out of position and didn't see it! Terry Funk comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Sandman turns around...straight into a DDT!! Sandman has been left down on the canvas. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(New drinking game: take a shot every time Scott Keith says ‘weak’ or a version there of. Joey Numbers is pissed at Jindrak for jobbing to a pull of the tights. That’s his gimmick. Funk smacks Sandman with a cookie sheet while Sandman swings a whiskey bottle and Jindrak smashes Sandman’s foot with a tack hammer. It kind of looks like that old Tom and Jerry cartoon where them and the dog have that Rube Goldbergian beat down thing going on. Eh, that’s probably over your heads, but I’m getting geared up for the new Dennis Miller special on tomorrow night.)

Winner: Sandman

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Show Rating: 58%

TV Rating: 2.09

Attendance: 392 ex-band members of Santana

[Guest Lightning Flik]

Deacon walks out to the ring with a piece of paper in his hand and a bicpin.

Dude, I just wanna know one thing. How do you sign a contract with a pin?

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Deacon walks out to the ring with a piece of paper in his hand and a bicpin.

Dude, I just wanna know one thing. How do you sign a contract with a pin?

You prick your finger with it and sign it in blood! Duh. Or maybe I just did a typo and didn't catch it.

[Guest Lightning Flik]

You prick your finger with it and sign it in blood! Duh. Or maybe I just did a typo and didn't catch it.

No biggy. I'm just nitpicking.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

HSW Steaming Funk for May 21st, 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

 

Opening Singles Match That No One Cares About and Hopefully Won’t Drag the Overall Show Rating Down for the Lukewarm Shit Title

Repo Man vs Alter Boy Luke:

Weak bodyslam by Repo. Alter Boy Luke slugs Repo Man, sending him down into the corner. While Luke fires up the crowd, Repo is removing the turnbuckle pad! Alter Boy Luke comes over...but Repo grabs him by the tights and uses the leverage to slingshot Alter Boy Luke face first into the exposed steel turnbuckle! Repo Man rolls up the stunned Alter Boy Luke, and even puts his feet on the second rope to add insult to injury! 1....2...3! What a display of cheating from Repo Man. Anus Boy Matthew comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Luke gets slammed down. Anus Boy Matthew climbs to the top rope...Top Rope Legdrop! Alter Boy Luke has been left down on the canvas. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(This match right here is all the evidence you need to make the Repo Man your personal Jesus. Alter Boy Luke would like to remind you not accept false idols, but as the Repo Man eloquently put it. “I can be their personal Jesus, because I’ve already made you my bitch, bitch.” I’m trying to get the Alter Boys feud rolling, but as unover as they are you would think they were Samoan.)

Winner: Repo Man

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 29%

Match Quality: 63%

 

Sophie The Savage Secretary is in the back making up a batch of T’Pol Breast Flavored Tea. We have so much of that crap left I could float a slow boat to China in it. The FlockNest Monster sashays up and lays all his cards on the table. “I hated like hell to hit you last week. Honestly, Lady Victoria is looser than the slots on an Indian Reservation. On the other hand, you’re one fine piece of bitch. I’d like to screw you until your toes curl up and you start whistling ‘Oh, Come All Ye Faithful.’” This oddly appeals to her primitive savage side, but before they can get their mojo working, Austin Lee strolls up and tosses a hot cup of tea in the FlockNest Monster’s face! It wasn’t because he heard what he said to Sophie, Austin just dropped some acid and he thought the man’s head was on fire. They start brawling and Sophie suffers a gigantic mood swing and runs off crying. Lee mumbles, “Why are you fighting me, when we should be punching the purple snake?” (keep all comments to yourself on that one)

Segment Rating: 65%

 

Four Way Dance of Festering Discomfort!

Bobby Eaton vs Ahmed Johnson vs Julio Dinero vs Joey Numbers:

Numbers hits an arm drag on Dinero. Kick from Joey Numbers to the leg. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between Joey Numbers and Ahmed Johnson. Big forearm by Ahmed, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Ahmed DDTs Julio Dinero. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Tag to Bobby Eaton. Dinero takes a vertical suplex from Bobby Eaton. Tag between Julio Dinero and Joey Numbers. Forearm to the face from Numbers on Eaton. Eaton blocks a kick from Joey Numbers. Bobby Eaton with an enziguri, although the late Owen Hart's version was far superior. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Eaton defeats Numbers. Julio Dinero hits a rolling kick on Eaton. Super frankensteiner on Eaton, who hit hard. Cover for a two count. Driven DDT by Julio Dinero. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Tag to Ahmed Johnson. Weak slam from Ahmed. Incredibly weak powerslam on Dinero by Ahmed. Dinero counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Tornado DDT from Julio Dinero, Ahmed got planted. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Dinero defeats Ahmed. Lightning kick by Dinero on Eaton. Back heel kick off the second rope, Eaton goes down. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Eaton counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Bobby Eaton floors Julio Dinero...and climbs the turnbuckles. Alabama Jam!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Rating: 1\2 star.

(Vince pushes lumbering monsters, I push old ass NWA guys. Post match, Eaton and Johnson relive the 80’s glory of the McDLT while Numbers and Dinero get rocked on diet pills and get into the spirit by headbanging to an old Loverboy album.)

Winner: Bobby Eaton

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 36%

Match Quality: 61%

 

Sophie goes crying to the Deacon’s office. She opens the door seeking solace but instead finds Lady Victoria on her knees in front of Deacon giving him a blowjob! Naturally, this isn’t what it looks like. Deacon explains, “See…uh…I was thinking of hiring Jake the Snake Roberts…and…uh…he was all…hopped up on crack…and he spilled some breast flavored tea on my pants, so I took them off to dry and then Damien got loose and bit me…on the penis…and…Lady Victoria was kind enough to suck the poison out.” Sophie cries more and runs off. She cries a lot for being a savage. After she leaves, Jake Roberts comes out of an adjoining bathroom. “I think the club soda got the stain out of you pants. Sorry about the snakebite. Want to smoke some crack?”

Segment Rating: 77%

 

Nikita Koloff walks through the back, just having arrived at the arena. That’s the last time he lets “Carless” Mark Jindrak talk him through the bus schedule. Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty and “Hot Shit” Tony Stetson stop him in his tracks. Marty is still gloating over having beat Koloff two weeks ago while Stetson is still thankful that he’s not a jobber anymore. Koloff threatens to open a can of whump ass on the Whump Ass Connection, but then his hemorrhoids flare up and he’s really not into it. Chieftain the coon dog wonders up and starts smelling Koloff’s crotch, allowing Redneck Jesus Barry Windham to smash him over the head with a Dick Trickle diecast car. The heels proceed to kick the piss out of Nikita, but their hearts really aren’t in it either, considering they do it every week.

Overall Rating: 62%

 

Four Way Dance of Not So Festering Discomfort

Stan Lane vs Mark Henry vs Tazz's Cousin Chris Chetti vs GQ Money : Weak slam from Henry. Mark Henry strikes Stan Lane. Hooks the leg for a two count. Henry tags out to GQ Money. Sweet Stan tastes a high angle back suplex. It probably tasted like chicken. Flying knee to the face from GQ Money. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Hooks the leg for a close fall. Tag between GQ Money and Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Chetti uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Sweet Stan tags out to Mark Henry. Sluggish brawling from Henry. Chetti ducks a wild right hand. Diamond Dust from Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett, Henry is out. Pin, three count, it's over. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett pins Henry. Stan Lane strikes Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Big clothesline from Sweet Stan. There's a two count on the pin. Chetti takes a vertical suplex. Tag to GQ Money. Right hand from GQ on Sweet Stan. GQ flattens Stan Lane. Stan Lane elbows GQ Money in the face to break a hammerlock. Weak bodyslam on GQ by Sweet Stan. Side suplex from Sweet Stan. Cover gets three. Stan Lane pinned GQ. Stan Lane scores with a face jam on Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Flapjack from Sweet Stan on Chetti. Pin, but Chetti is out just before the three count. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett reverses a hip toss. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett floors Stan Lane. Chetti-Mission!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Post match Chetti and GQ discuss whether it’s better to be Tazz’s Cousin or simply Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty, because he’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty. Stan Lane thinks about attacking, but realizes that Small Wonder is coming on and he HAS to watch. Henry goes with him as he finds prepubescent girl robots in a Strawberry Shortcake dress mucho-sexy.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 48%

Match Quality: 60%

 

The Honky Tonk Man walks into the Memphis Mafia dressing room. He’s just been informed that he has to defend his title against Nikita Koloff tonight. HTM isn’t worried, because he’s the greatest HSW HTM TCB Champion of all time. Bilvis Wesley goes to say that he’s been the only champion, but Disgraceland cuts him off by shoving a twinkie wiener sandwich in his mouth. HTM rants about kicking that commie bastard’s ass. Jorge Estrada tells HTM to chill out. Russia has had free elections since 1989 and hasn’t been under Soviet rule since late 1991. Currently, President Vladimir Putin is attempting to reform the Russian Federation into a world power. Although the only worth wild thing they’ve produced in years is Anna Kournikova, who while a prime piece of ass is a remarkably bad tennis player. Now you know and knowing is half the battle. Go Memphis Mafia!

Segment Rating: 81%

 

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round Singles Match

Mark Jindrak vs Supreme:

Big kick from Supreme. Supreme DDTs Jindrak, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. There's a two count on the pin. Supreme walks into a trip. Stiff chop lights up Supreme. Flying shoulder tackle by Jindrak sends Supreme to the mat. Cover for a two count. Brutal powerbomb on Supreme. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Supreme reverses a waistlock. Powerslam from Supreme on Jindrak. Hooks the leg for a two count. Side suplex from Supreme. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Mark Jindrak takes a right hand to the temple from Supreme. Supreme strikes Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak avoids a Supreme avalanche. Jindrak slams Supreme down. Death valley driver by Mark Jindrak, Supreme got planted. Supreme is in trouble. Here it comes - Super Frankensteiner. 1....2...3, it's finished. Honky Tonk Man comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Jindrak turns around...straight into a Shake, Rattle and Roll!! Mark Jindrak has been left down on the canvas. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(Supreme starts thinking about how he’s become a jobber to the stars, but we give him a piece of string and he quickly forgets all about it. Jindrak starts complain about how Supreme is the only schmuck he’s allowed to beat, but we give him that Dick Trickle diecast to fantasize over and he forgets all about it.)

Winner: Mark Jindrak

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 67%

 

Terry Funk is sitting in his dressing room watching Matlock and eating Butterscotch pudding while wearing a pair of granny glasses and a crocheted shawl. Sandman trips in, obviously drunk (but when isn’t he). He stands in the corner and starts pissing all over the place, thinking he’s in the bathroom. Terry Funk smacks him in the head with a cookie sheet. However, Sandman whips around and pisses in Funk’s eye, blinding him. Sandman proceeds to pillmanize Funk’s ankle with his T.V. set for the sole reason being that I can write the word “pillmanize.”

Segment Rating: 80%

 

We return from a commercial for Spatula City to find the Sandman leaving the building. Coat Rack Steven Richards is waiting for him outside. Sandman vows that Terry Funk won’t make their title match at Bloody Vomit and he’ll win the belt by forfeit. He’s going to pillmanize him like no one has ever been pillmanized before over the coming weeks. Uh…Bloody Vomit is this coming Sunday. Really? Why doesn’t someone tell him these things? Sandman gets into his mashed up K-car and drives off. Don’t worry about him driving drunk, because honestly what damage can he do in that thing.

Segment Rating: 81%

 

Fifth Level of Wrestling Hell Singles Match for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs Nikita Koloff:

Kick from HTM, showing his awesome grasp of technical wrestling. Honky Tonk Man gets taken down out of nowhere. Nikita Koloff hits a weak punch on Honky Tonk Man. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. Side suplex from Koloff. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Koloff. Cover, but there's no one to count for Nikita Koloff. Nikita Koloff misses a clothesline. Sharp kick from HTM, although it clearly missed. Honky Tonk Man scores with a poor face jam on Nikita Koloff. There's a two count on the pin. HTM hits a badly done swinging DDT on Nikita Koloff. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Nikita Koloff ducks a clothesline attempt. Powerslam from Nikita Koloff on HTM. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. HTM reverses a Nikita Koloff hammerlock. Barry Windham comes running down the aisle with a chair! HTM goes to irish whip Nikita Koloff into the ropes. Windham hits Koloff with a chair to the back! Nikita Koloff is in trouble. Here it comes - Shake, Rattle and Roll. 1....2...3, it's finished. HTM and Windham are putting the boots to Nikita Koloff! Mark Jindrak comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending HTM \ Windham running for cover. Mark Jindrak saved Koloff from a major beating. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(I’m surprised Scott Keith didn’t see that pairing and just put the gun to his temple. Not even I can pitch that ever being a good match. It’s like it’s taking place in some sort of alternate reality where the sky is mauve and horse shit tastes like ice cream.)

Winner: Honky Tonk Man

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 65%

Match Quality: 43%

 

Show Rating: 63%

TV Rating: 2.01

Attendance: 397 people who’d rather be at a Great White concert

 

HSW BLOODY VOMIT CARD

 

Try Not to Fall Down Due to Drunkness or Old Age Singles Match for the Hot Shit Title

Terry Funk vs. Sandman

 

The Midnight Express Aren’t the Only Guys Stuck in a Time Warp Singles Match

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham vs. Nikita Koloff

 

Nothing Says Deathmatch like the Honky Tonk Man Memphis Deathmatch for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs. “Carless Mark Jindrak

 

Take Me Home Tonight Tag Match for the HSW Tag Team Titles

Midnight Express vs. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise

 

Nothing Else Better to do Quadruple Threat Mess for the HSW Lukewarm Shit Title

Repo Man vs. Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty vs. Jorge Estrada vs. Supreme

 

6 Minute Iron Man Match

Austin Lee vs. the FlockNest Monster

 

Hell in a Fuddruckers (sequel to the legendary Hell in a Der Wienerschnitzal)

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection vs. The Fat Boys with Heavy D

 

I Don’t Want to See This Contest Any More than You Do Opening Singles Match

Anus Boy Matthew vs. Alter Boy Luke

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

“I think the club soda got the stain out of you pants. Sorry about the snakebite. Want to smoke some crack?”

 

Stan Lane thinks about attacking, but realizes that Small Wonder is coming on and he HAS to watch. Henry goes with him as he finds prepubescent girl robots in a Strawberry Shortcake dress mucho-sexy.

 

You have outdone yourself, my friend. That last show was top-notch like god. I can't wait for Bloody Vomit and the 6-minute Ironman Match!

[Guest Lightning Flik]

You know, I'd pay top dollar to see this.

 

And that's about all I'd pay. Great stuff Frosty.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

HSW Bloody Vomit for May 25th, 2003

Live from the detox room of the Omaha, Nebraska city police station

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

 

I Don’t Want to See This Contest Any More than You Do Opening Singles Match

Alter Boy Luke vs Anus Boy Matthew:

Matthew hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Hard back suplex on Luke. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Super kick by Anus Boy Matthew. Back heel kick off the second rope, Luke goes down. Roderick Strong comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Alter Boy Luke turns around.... and gets floored! Roderick Strong climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Swanton Bomb!!! Roderick leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin, three count, it's over. Anus Boy Matthew pins Luke. Matthew and Roderick put the boots to Alter Boy Luke, stomping away on him. This one gets * rating and likes it.

Winner: Anus Boy Matthew

(My road agents tell me that I’m pushing Luke too much and he’s losing overness, I don’t see how this can be, since he always gets jobbed out. However, I checked the stats after this show was over and he’s down to zero. ZERO! I could put the Miserly Jew in the ring for twenty minutes eating a baked potato and it would draw higher ratings than one of his matches.)

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 28%

Match Quality: 74%

 

Hell in a Fuddruckers (sequel to the legendary Hell in a Der Wienerschnitzal)

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection vs Ahmed\Henry\D:

Chetti and Numbers show up at the Fuddruckers where the Fat Boys have been eating since daybreak. The staff is worn to a frazzle, who knew that anyone would put junior mints and chicken gravy on a hamburger? YOUR Stacker 2 Connection slip a couple Stacker 2 pills into Heavy D’s burger. “What the fuck is this healthy shit doing in my fried egg, bacon, blue cheese, vanilla ice cream, tootsie roll, chicken, ham, hamburger?” Then it’s on like Donky Kong! Heavy D strikes Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Chetti takes a vertical suplex. D \ Ahmed whip Chetti into the condiment bar sneeze guard. Heavy D whips Ahmed Johnson in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Cover for a two count. Ahmed Johnson misses a clothesline. Chetti crushes Ahmed with a running senton. Slingshot clothesline by Numbers, who almost messed it up by slipping on a spot of honey mustard. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Numbers hits an arm drag on Ahmed. Ahmed blocks the suplex attempt. Weak bodyslam on Numbers by D. Henry \ D whip Numbers into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. There's a two count on the pin. Mark Henry hits a bulldog off the server’s station. Cover for a two count. Numbers pushes out of a Mark Henry hold. Forearm to the face from Numbers on Henry. Mark Henry pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Ahmed Johnson punches away at Joey Numbers. Big forearm by Ahmed, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Hooks the leg for a two count. Side suplex from Ahmed. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Ahmed. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Ahmed Johnson scoops up Numbers. Henry bounces off the kitchen door and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Uninspiring brawling from Mark Henry. Henry drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Chetti crushes Henry with a big legdrop. Spin kick by Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett to the face. Spinning bulldog off the cash register, Ahmed is down. Spin kick by Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett to the face. D powers out of a headlock. Heavy D scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Heavy D gets taken down out of nowhere. Numbers hits an arm drag on D. Joey Numbers hits a crap missile dropkick on D. YOUR Stacker 2 Connection hook up D, then hit a double suplex. The Stacker 2 kicks in and Heavy D shits himself allowing Chetti to make a cover. 1…2…3. Chetti pins Heavy D. Rating: 1\2 star.

Winner: YOUR Stacker 2 Connection

(Heavy D then runs off to the bathroom and sends Ahmed out to get him a copy of War and Peace to read. It’s going to be awhile. Chetti and Numbers decide to celebrate by splurging on a burger, but the Fat Boys have devoured all the food in the restaurant. Hell, Henry even ate the toothpicks, said they were high in fiber.)

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 56%

 

Back in the arena, Terry Funk limps out to the ring. His ankle is still pretty pillmanized from the attack on Wednesday, but he’s not going to let that pipsqueak Sandman keep him from defending his title tonight. In fact, let’s do it right now! A midget dressed as the Sandman and drinking a bottle of honor bar vodka strolls out. Funk is so senile he forgot he hired the midget and winds up killing the little guy with a cookie sheet. Sandman then runs out for the back smoking a whole pack of Alpines at the same time and stinking of rotgut whiskey Redneck Jesus Barry Windham’s grandma made up back in the hills. Funk is really confused now and starts prattling on like Ronald Reagan at a Shriener’s Convention. They go brawling off into the crowd with the midget still out in the ring. Giant Gonzalez comes out and sodomizes the poor little guy with a tennis racket, because, damn it, I try to please my fan base. Although, ever since the show happened, the midge keeps sending Gonzalez candy grams and gift baskets from Pottery Barn and it’s really starting to freak him out.

Segment Rating: 75%

 

6 Minute Iron Man Match

Austin Lee vs FlockNest Monster:

Lee hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Lee pins Monster. Monster takes a flying neckbreaker from Austin Lee. Cover for 3. Lee pins Monster. Monster drops out the back of a Austin Lee bodyslam attempt, but slips and falls for a cover. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Lee pins Monster. Hard back suplex on Lee. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Monster pins Lee. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? And while I’m pondering that, Monster pins Lee again for no damn good reason. Monster hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Monster pins Lee. Hard back suplex on Lee. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Monster pins Lee. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Damn, missed another pin! Lee pins Monster. FlockNest Monster gets taken down out of nowhere. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Lee pins Monster. Monster takes a hurrancarana from Austin Lee. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Lee defeats Monster. Spinning back kick from Austin Lee. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Lee pins Monster. Dropkick connects, Monster goes down. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Lee pins Monster. Austin Lee strikes Monster. Hooks the fall. Lee pins Monster. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves and pinfalls keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? There's a three count on the pin. Lee pins Monster. Austin Lee misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Monster pins Lee. Standing leg lariat by FlockNest Monster on Lee. Cover for a three count. Monster pins Lee. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Lee is down. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Monster pins Lee. Austin Lee takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Lee pins Monster. Tornado DDT from Austin Lee, Monster got planted. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Lee pins Monster. FlockNest Monster can barely stand. Here it comes - Degenerate Driver. 1....2...3, it's finished. END OF BOUT. Austin Lee offers a handshake to Monster...and he accepts it! Lee then collapses and Monster pins just for the hell of it. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

Winner: Austin Lee 13-7 (what was this the AFC Championship game?)

(Check that workrate. Bret and Shawn should have done that at Wrestlemania 12, fuckin’ aye dude. Pinning Lee off of a handshake at the end for no reason reminds me of the old Villanos Majistral cradle beatdowns. Guess what, the FlockNest Monster is losing overness from being pushed so much. I guess it’s one of those Booker T pushes where he jobs out like a bitch on ppv. His overness is down to one, and that one is some little old lady in the back row with cataracts who thinks he’s Wahoo McDaniels.)

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 63%

 

Nothing Else Better to do Quadruple Threat Mess for the HSW Lukewarm Shit Title

Marty Fuckin' Jannetty vs Jorge Estrada vs Repo Man vs Supreme:

Kick from Jorge Estrada to the leg. Flying elbow from Jorge Estrada. Hooks the leg for a two count. Jannetty pushes out of a Jorge Estrada hold. Jannetty tags out to Repo Man. Jorge Estrada takes a right hand to the temple from Repo. Repo Man misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Flapjack from Repo on Estrada. Cover, but there's no one to count for Repo Man. Running clothesline from Repo Man, sloppily done. Estrada blocks a kick from Repo Man. Estrada tags out to Supreme. Supreme DDTs Repo, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Supreme hits a right hand on Repo Man. Repo Man powers out of a Supreme headlock. Supreme takes a vertical suplex. Side suplex from Repo. Repo tags out to Jorge Estrada. Spin kick by Jorge Estrada to the face. Tiger suplex on Supreme, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Supreme is in trouble. The Graceland! 1....2....3. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winner and new champion: Jorge Estrada

(I felt like moving the belt and Estrada is pretty over, I think it’s because if you’re blind in one eye and can’t see out of the other he looks like Paunch from “CHiPs.” Lord knows the old cataract lady loves him. Notice how Jannetty works like 30 seconds and then just chills on the apron. He can do that, because he’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty. Originally he didn’t want to show up, but where’s a better place to get cheap drugs than the a police department property room?)

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Match Quality: 64%

 

Take Me Home Tonight Tag Match for the HSW Tag Team Titles

Midnight Express vs 2 Tickets 2 Paradise:

GQ suplexes Sweet Stan to the canvas. GQ Money hits a shaky delayed suplex on Sweet Stan. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between GQ Money and Julio Dinero. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise whip Sweet Stan into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Flying elbow from Julio Dinero. There's a two count on the pin. Stiff high kick on Sweet Stan by Julio Dinero who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Sweet Stan counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Stan Lane scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Tag between Stan Lane and Bobby Eaton. Julio Dinero walks into a chop to the pecs. Brutal forearm by Eaton. Bobby Eaton misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Dinero tags out to GQ Money. Brutal forearm by GQ. Flapjack from GQ on Eaton. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. GQ hits an arm drag on Eaton. Eaton powers out of a headlock. Bobby Eaton scores with a face jam on GQ Money. Bobby Eaton gets a roll-up...and grabs a handful of tights as well! The referee doesn't see it: 1....2...3!! 2 Tickets 2 Paradise look like they aren't done...and they attack Midnight Express! After an exchange of blows, Eaton and Sweet Stan are laid out in the ring. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Midnight Express

(The Midnights are amazed that the “Rock ‘n Roll Express” fought back after the match. They never do that. They either just lie there or go hit on fourteen year olds in the crowd with 5-year subscriptions to Tiger Beat. I just realized that I missed a prime joke in the four way matches on the last show to have Bobby Eaton flip out by having to face three Ricky Mortons and Stan Lane laughing in the face of a trio of Robert Gibsons.)

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 61%

 

Nothing Says Deathmatch like the Honky Tonk Man Memphis Deathmatch for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs Mark Jindrak:

Mark Jindrak strikes HTM. HTM counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Honky Tonk Man with an arm drag, showing shades of early Rocky Maivia. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Honky Tonk Man uses something vaguely resembling a reverse suplex. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. HTM walks into a trip. Hip toss onto a chair by Jindrak. Spear by Mark Jindrak. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Jindrak defeats HTM. The referee counts: 2....3...4....but HTM stands up. Powerbomb on HTM. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Honky Tonk Man powers out of a Mark Jindrak headlock. Face jam onto the table by HTM. Pin, three count, it's over. Honky Tonk Man pins Jindrak. The referee gets to a seven count....and Mark Jindrak gets back up. Jindrak backdrops Honky Tonk Man out of a piledriver attempt. Disgraceland comes running down the aisle with a chair! HTM goes to irish whip Mark Jindrak into the ropes. Dissy prepares to swing the chair...but Mark Jindrak reverses! Dissy accidentally smacks HTM with a chair to the back! Honky Tonk Man can barely stand. Here it comes – piledriver on the floor! (the only way to win a Memphis Deathmatch) 1....2...3, it's finished. The referee counts to 10, this match is over! Honky Tonk Man has a temper tantrum, kicking the ropes and punching the turnbuckles. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winner and new champion: “Carless” Mark Jindrak

(Jindrak is so thrilled at winning the title he tries to trade it in on a new car, but even the guys at the Saturn dealership laugh at him. It’s not really a belt anyway; we just call it that. I created the title at the last moment to placate the Honky Tonk Man so I just sent Gonzalez out to get a bowling trophy that smelled like wingdings, I figured that was appropriate enough. “Honky Tonk Man with an arm drag, showing shades of early Rocky Maivia.” I can’t top that if I tried.)

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 62%

Match Quality: 56%

 

The Midnight Express Aren’t the Only Guys Stuck in a Time Warp Singles Match

Barry Windham vs Nikita Koloff:

Weak headbutt on Koloff by Windham. Barry Windham hits Koloff. Barry Windham strikes Nikita Koloff. Barry Windham hits a right hand on Nikita Koloff. Koloff powers out of a headlock. Weak slam from Koloff. Messed up bodyslam by Koloff. Hooks the leg for a two count. Windham pushes out of a Nikita Koloff hold. Barry Windham hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Side suplex from Windham. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Nikita Koloff elbows Barry Windham in the face to break a hammerlock. Nikita Koloff hits a weak punch on Barry Windham. Barry Windham pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Big kick from Windham. The two competitors end up in the corner, grappling. The referee tries to break them up, but Windham pushes him away. The ref tries again, and this time Koloff is the one to shove the referee away...and that prompts a double DQ decision from the referee! The fight has started up again! Barry Windham attacks Koloff, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

Winner: the crowd chanting “bullshit”

(I know, booking a double DQ draw in your sub-main event on a big show is like Russo booking on Valium. However, there’s a method to my madness and this will payoff big on the next show. I know, Russo always says that too and then it just winds up being Konnan beating Oklahoma to become the Saskatchewan International Big Gold Belt Champion.)

Overall Rating: 64%

Crowd Reaction: 69%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Try Not to Fall Down Due to Drunkness or Old Age Singles Match for the Hot Shit Title

Terry Funk vs Sandman:

Incredibly weak headbutt on Funker by Sandman. Sluggish brawling from Sandman. Sandman hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Big forearm by Sandman, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Terry Funk takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Running knee lift from Terry Funk. Nice piledriver on Sandman. There's a two count on the pin. Funker drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Sandman hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Sandman drops Funker with a clothesline. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Funker reverses a waistlock. Terry Funk fires off some right and left hands. Funker only gets knees on a splash. Weak slam from Sandman. Sandman gets a roll-up...and grabs a handful of tights as well! The referee doesn't see it: 1....2...3!! I don't think the fight has finished. Terry Funk and Sandman have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Almost a *** rating, but there were some bits that dragged, so **3\4 instead.

Winner and new champion: Sandman

(Fuck Scott Keith! I’ve never received *** stars before in either league, hell I’ve never gotten ** ¾ before either, so that’s a minor victory there. I’m so thrilled. I think all you guys should go to every wrestling website you can find and vote this as the match of the year. I could just see people flipping out trying to find a copy and those know-it-all smarkasses pretending they saw the bout and going on about that Space Flying Tiger Drop and one-legged piledriver that Sandman hit. All the net reviewers would go insane if it actually won on hearsay. I would love to cause Scott Keith a brain aneurysm. I could see Meltzer getting sucked into an ultimate dimension like Ozzie Smith on that episode of the Simpsons.)

Overall Rating: 75%

Crowd Reaction: 82%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Show Rating: 63%

Attendance: 2047 shaking degenerates, so most of the roster was right at home.

[Guest Lightning Flik]

*blinks in shock*

 

75% overall quality for a fucking match betwen SANDMAN AND FUNK OF ALL PEOPLE?

 

...people, I seriously think we should vote this thing match of the year cause fuck. Deacon's gotta be the only bastard alive that could get these two to pull off this shit.

[Guest The Superstar]

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

HSW Steaming Funk for May 28th, 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

 

Proving a Point Singles Match

Roderick Strong vs Alter Boy Luke:

Spinning back kick from Alter Boy Luke. Dropkick connects, Roderick goes down. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Luke hits a dropkick on Roderick Strong. Roderick reverses a Alter Boy Luke hammerlock. Spin kick by Roderick Strong to the face. Lightning kick by Roderick on Luke. Cover for a two count. Luke pushes out of a Roderick Strong hold. Luke crushes Roderick with a running senton. There's a two count on the pin. Springboard dropkick from Alter Boy Luke. Nicely done. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Roderick Strong takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Roderick hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Roderick only gets knees on a splash. Driven DDT by Alter Boy Luke. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Alter Boy Luke has Roderick Strong down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Twisting Swanton Bomb, forget about it. 1....2...3! DUD, and a poor DUD at that.

Winner: Alter Boy Luke

Overall Rating: 38%

Crowd Reaction: 6%

Match Quality: 71%

 

The Miserly Jew sits in the middle of the ring for twenty minutes and eats a baked potato. Good use of psychology with the sour cream.

Segment Rating: 54%

 

The Deacon calls Nikita Koloff and Redneck Jesus Barry Windham into his office. Real cute on working to the double dq at Blood Vomit. Our current product is sucking harder than Lizzy Borden trying to get out of a speeding ticket and that type of non-finish doesn’t help us much. In fact, having all these dinosaurs on the roster who haven’t had a good match since high button shoes were in style isn’t helping us much either. So tonight, Windham and Koloff are going to have an “I Retire” match. The winner gets the loser to say “I Retire” over the house microphone. Then the loser will retire from pro wrestling. Forever. I know, it’s a novel concept. However, if the Deacon gets wind of the loser wrestling anywhere in the world, he’ll send Gonzalez after them on a motorcycle wearing a leather jacket like so much Lorenzo Lamas. Koloff and Windham don’t like it, but what can they do since I’m writing this crap anyway.

Segment Rating: 71%

 

You Cost Me my Title, I Will Repo Your Soul Singles Match

Supreme vs Repo Man:

Supreme strikes away at Repo Man. Repo reverses a Supreme hammerlock. Supreme receives some unexciting punishment. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Side suplex from Repo. Cover, but there's no one to count for Repo Man. Repo Man misses a clothesline. Repo takes a vertical suplex. Supreme hits a bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Supreme DDTs Repo Man. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Supreme misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Repo Man hits a bulldog off the ropes. Pin, but Supreme is out just before the three count. Supreme fights out of a grapple. Repo Man can barely stand. Supreme Choke Slam! 1....2....3. Supreme offers a handshake to Repo...and he accepts it! No! Repo Man levels Supreme with a cheap shot right hand! Repo Man hits the Double Axe Handle! Supreme has been floored after the match. Yuck. DUD.

Winner: Supreme

(Never take a handshake off a guy named Repo Man wearing a mask. I don’t think Elmo’s covered that on Sesame Street yet for Supreme to know that. Post match, a ticked off Repo Man repossess Supreme’s pudding and runs out of the arena. “SUPREME WANT PUDDING! FUCKER! SUPREME SAY YOU FUCKER!”)

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 25%

Match Quality: 59%

 

FlockNest Monster is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. He’s not going to let Austin Lee get away with beating him in the 6 minute iron man match at Bloody Vomit. He’s going to…oh, whom is he kidding, he’s screwed. Why don’t you people like him? He’s caught wind of the new cost cutting measures and he fears for his job. What he’s going to do if the Deacon fires him? He doesn’t want to be that guy jobbing to Jimmy Snuka in a high school gymnasium for a bowl of soup. LIKE ME! LIKE ME! I’M THE FLOCKNEST MONSTER! The FlockNest Monster collapses into a heap crying. Yeah, that will get him over.

Segment Rating: 36%

 

Requisite One Good Contest Per Show Singles Match for the Lukewarm Shit Title

Jorge Estrada vs Marty Fuckin' Jannetty:

Jorge Estrada strikes Jannetty. Jorge Estrada scores with a back heel kick on Jannetty. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Estrada uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty ducks a clothesline attempt. Estrada takes a flying neckbreaker from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Lightning kick by Jannetty on Estrada. Hooks the leg for a two count. Jorge Estrada comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Lightning kick by Estrada on Jannetty. Hooks the leg for a two count. Power drive elbow by Jorge Estrada. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Jannetty powers out of a headlock. Stiff high kick on Estrada by Marty Fuckin' Jannetty who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Jorge Estrada powers out of a Marty Fuckin' Jannetty headlock. Estrada hits a dropkick on Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty hooks up a suplex, but Estrada flips out and lands on his feet, and quickly grabs the tights to score with a school boy pin! 1...2..3! The referee somehow missed the blatant cheating! Marty Fuckin' Jannetty goes nuts, attacking the referee! DDT! The referee is out! This one gets * rating and likes it.

Winner: Jorge Estrada

(Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty doesn’t need no stinking referees messing with his mojo. He’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty. Fuck you, ref. Fuck you Jorge. What’s a guy named Jorge doing listening to Elvis anyway? Fuck you, Elvis. Uh oh….now he’s done it. The little old lady with cataracts in the back row rushes the ring and hits Jannetty with a shining wizard knees and then cranks on a figure four leglock. Turns out she’s the Honky Tonk Man’s mother. Don’t mess with Elvis.)

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 39%

Match Quality: 70%

 

The Sandman stumbles out to the ring. He would have had the opening promo, but he finally came off of his bender celebration on winning the title and found himself in Tijuana, Mexico handcuffed to a goat. How the goat signed the marriage certificate he has no idea. Anyway, the Sandman is the new HSW Hot Shit Champion and there’s going to be some changes around here. First, no Smirnoff Ice sold in the Toilet. That’s such a vagina drink. Second, Terry Funk is never getting a rematch so he might as well retire like one of the other old farts will later tonight. The crowd laughs. No, he means for real. The audience explodes with laughter. Terry Funk? Retire? Like for longer than six days? Ok, that is pretty funny.

Segment Rating: 74%

 

Sandman leaves the ring and starts up the skateboard ramp. Suddenly (or as ‘suddenly’ as he moves anymore) a beer man jumps the Sandman from the crowd and lays him out with a tall boy of Old Milwaukee to the head. It’s Terry Funk! He’s not dressing up; I have the guys take turns as concession workers, because I can’t afford real ones. Funk steals the belt and heads back into the crowd. Sandman would chase him, but it’s his shift at the nacho cart. Damn!

Segment Rating: 87%

 

Holy Shit I didn’t Dream Winning a Title Belt Match for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Mark Jindrak vs Disgraceland:

Jindrak bodyslams Disgraceland. Dissy counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Disgraceland strikes Mark Jindrak. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Disgraceland scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Jindrak reverses a Disgraceland hammerlock. Rude Awakening on Disgraceland by Jindrak. Spear by Mark Jindrak. There's a two count on the pin. Back heel kick off the second rope, Dissy goes down. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Disgraceland comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Messed up bodyslam by Dissy. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Jindrak blocks a punch. Mark Jindrak signals for the Super Frankensteiner! Honky Tonk Man comes out of the crowd! He grabs the leg of Mark Jindrak and drags him out of the ring. The referee has no option but to call for the DQ! Meanwhile, Mark Jindrak gets sent crashing into the ring post! Dissy \ HTM are beating down on Mark Jindrak! The music of T'Pol hits, and she comes running down the aisle into the ring. Dissy and HTM bail out of the ring, leaving Mark Jindrak down in the ring. T'Pol may have saved Mark Jindrak from a brutal beating. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(T’Pol’s theme music is Leonard Nimoy singing Proud Mary. I might have used that joke before, but I can’t be bothered to double check with the Sci-fi Network running a Battlestar Galactica marathon this afternoon sapping my attention. T’Pol hits the Vulcan Death Grip on the heels while Jindrak grabs his bowling trophy and heads for the back. He’s go it listed on ebay now, but nobody’s bid on it. People will pay $500 for dinner at Hardees with Brutus Beefcake, but Jindrak can’t sell one of the most prestigious titles in…in…ok, you got me there.)

Winner: Mark Jindrak

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 56%

 

And Now the End is Near and I Face the Final Jobbing Singles Match

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham vs Nikita Koloff:

Messed up bodyslam by Koloff. Barry Windham comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Koloff receives some unexciting punishment. Weak bodyslam on Koloff by Windham. Nikita Koloff takes a right hand to the temple from Windham. Barry Windham misses a clothesline. Nikita Koloff DDTs Windham, poorly executed. Flapjack from Koloff on Windham. Nikita Koloff hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Windham blocks a punch. Weak bodyslam on Koloff by Windham. Barry Windham turns Koloff inside-out with a clothesline. Windham floors Nikita Koloff and locks in an ankle lock! The referee asks Koloff....and we have a submission! He says “I retire!” The match is over. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

Winner: Redneck Jesus Barry Windham

(Christ, that was so lame. Koloff was retiring anyway, so I figure I might as well play it into things. Although ending their feud like I did caused both to lose overness. Alter Boy Luke is like “tell me about it. I’m jobbing to baked potatoes.”)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 65%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Windham heads for the back, because a NASCAR Truck Series race is coming on T.V. Koloff stays in the ring to give his tearful goodbye when “Lookin’ for Pussy” by Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show plays on the boom box in the corner. Out comes CHRIS NOWINSKI! Joey Styles goes into mad convulsions and swallows his tongue. Chris is wearing a t-shirt that reads “Magnitizing pussy since 1979.” Nowinski is sure that these people don’t want to hear some washed up has-been ramble on when they can hear a never-was…er, he means a walking pussy magnet like himself expound on his many conquests like banging the world famous Tina Yothers in the bathroom of a TCBY in Hackensack, New Jersey. His penis is the future of wrestling and Koloff’s wrinkled up old sack is yesterday’s news! Koloff goes to bash Nowinski, but trips over his own feet and promptly dies of old age. Chalk one up for the good guys!

Segment Rating: 66%

 

Show Rating: 57%

TV Rating: 1.82

Attendance: 368 people who got the tickets through an ad in the back of Swank Magazine.

 

It’s time for our end of the month birthday wishes!

Heavy D is 23: “Man, I just wish I could stop shitting. That Stacker 2 messes you up!”

 

NEW READER’S POLL! Even though my public image is going in the dumper, the USA Network has offered me a graveyard shift show for Friday nights. I’m basically going to use it to build up the lowcard junk guys and people I’m not doing much with, like Supreme. I’ll probably post results for the show, but not a complete write-up. Anyway, I need you guys to name the show! The winning entrant will receive the right to name any wrestler in the game to join the HSW roster with any gimmick they choose and/or name change. I deleted some miscellaneous feds, so there’s a huge free agent market to choose from. I’ll run this until this coming Tuesday. Feel free to throw up as many name ideas as you wish or just throw up.

[Guest Goodear]

The new show should be called...

 

The Dumping Grounds!

 

Eh, I got nothing. What's so wrong about Alter Boy Luke that the fans hate him so much anyway? The guy puts up 75s in the match quality catagory all the time but just no one cares. I say make him the new disciple of the Redneck Jesus and rename him Alter Boy Cooter and be done with it.

[Guest Hot NewzWIRE~!]

HSW Pierced Labia

 

HSW Vasectomy

 

HSW Progesterone

[Guest The Superstar]

HSW Pierced Labia

 

HSW Vasectomy

 

HSW Progesterone

@ forgetting to log out, and thus my alter ego gets all the credit.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

T’Pol’s theme music is Leonard Nimoy singing Proud Mary.

 

Remember when I said that I'd be using Jannetty's music if I ever came back to the SWF? That just changed. Now, possible show titles:

 

Friday Night Shite

The Miserly Jew's Potato Hour

Nash Bridges

 

And there you have it.

[Guest The Last Free Voice]

HSW: At least OUR gay's don't have their own title [yet]

or

 

HSW: We're better than you are!!!!!!

[Guest Will Scarlet]

HSW Workrate? What workrate?

 

HSW At least we're not XPW...anymore.

[Guest Sandman9000]

HSW: Cake And Sodomy (Minus the Cake and Double the Sodomy)

HSW: Battle Bowels

[Guest Zack Malibu]

A few ideas, Deacon:

 

A Royal Rumble PPV, dubbed "HSW Royal Flush"

 

A company slogan:"Hot Shit Wrestling:Step In It!"

 

Show ideas:

 

HSW Clogged (Chock full o' Hot Shit!)

 

HSW Skid Mark (leavin' a mark on national TV!)

[Guest ShooterJay]

HSW Impotence

HSW TV Colostomy

[Guest The Superstar]

HSW Milky White Discharge

[Guest Zack Malibu]

HSW Money Shot

 

HSW Total Constipation

[Guest netslob]

I felt like moving the belt and Estrada is pretty over, I think it’s because if you’re blind in one eye and can’t see out of the other he looks like Paunch from “CHiPs.”

 

now THAT'S the gimmick he needs! have him break away from the Memphis Mafia, and start having him ride around on a motorcycle in a tan cop uniform. the possibilites are endless. plus his name is Estrada. Paunch Estrada. it's got a ring to it. plus you could tie it in with the Sandman/ Jindrak fued-over-the-car (like giving Sandman a breathalyzer), or getting arrested by real cops for impersonating an officer, or have Repo Man reposess his motorcycle.

 

as for an show name:

 

HSW Nocturnal Emission

 

but "Dumping Ground" or "Skid Mark" are good too.