WWE Backlash 2003 Hangout Report

[Guest Pegasus Kid]

To those of you that read these at 411 then you'll get it before 411 does. If you've never read one then try to enjoy it. They're not in everyone's taste.

 

BACKLASH 2003 HANGOUT REPORT

 

I know I know… “WHERE THE HELL IS THE WRESTLEMANIA HANGOUT REPORT YOU LAZY ASS FUCK!” Long story short, by the time I actually sat down to write it, I forgot all the fun stuff I had done with the group of friends watching it. It’s not much of a hangout report if I can’t yap about whatever stupid idea Scott or Felix came up with now is it? Anyway, I may do a write up for the show along the lines of the “Stuff That Didn’t Suck” issues. On that note, I’ll be resuming that particular column this week as exams are finally over and I’ve got a bit more spare time on my hands.

 

This is the last of the core group for another four months as Scott returns to University for another term (he was on work term these past four months). Tonight we’ve got:

Myself (Bag of Hickory Sticks, Bag of Gummy Babies, Bag of Sour Kids)

Scott (Pile of Dreamcast games I loaned him and my LOTR Extended Edition DVD)

Felix (Slice of Pizza)

Mark (Bag of Cheetos)

Dave (Bag Of Fritos)

 

The food is thrown into random bowls (what the fuck? Dave and his “let’s be civil this time around” suggestion for bowls instead of putting our hands in the bags) and we’re off to the races.

 

WE ARE LIVE FROM MY BASEMENT!

 

LIE TO CHEAT TO STEAL vs TEAM INSPIRATION (WWE Tag Team Titles)

Team Angle come out with a FRAMED PORTRAIT OF KURT ANGLE! I LOVE IT! We nearly bust a gut laughing at this thing being put up on an easel. Just awesome stuff. Felix suggests that Eddie and Chavo cheat as much as possible AND THEY DO IT! “These guys are the dirtiest faces I’ve ever seen.” HA HA! Team Angle return the favour with NEFARIOUS CHEATING but it’s not quite the same. I was half distracted during this match as Scott starts talking about the Gummy Babies we were eating and how one of the gummies (labeled “slick” by the company) looks exactly like an ABORTED FETUS! EEEWWW! Anyway it’s hilarious and sickening all at once and I totally miss the heat up portion leading to the hot tag. Ending reminded me of TNA tags with a bunch of illegal men hitting big moves but at least the legal men were the ones making the cover. Benjamin throws a FUCKING SICK POWERBOMB to completely draw everyone’s attention back to the match just long enough for the Wrestlemania V IC finish. Scott suggests that no tag match should go without cheating. We’re all inclined to agree as Dave figures “come on… THERE’S A PARTNER SOMEWHERE! Any other ending is just… STUPID!” **3/4

 

Test hits on Torrie in a HILARIOUS segment. GOD, why doesn’t Torrie just KICK HIM IN THE FUCKING COCK?! Mark suggests they change Test’s name to “Dirty Confused Date Rapist” and we all agree. Sable walks out and SHE IS SO FUCKING OLD! Mark figures she’s on the “Sunny Heroine Program for washed up Whores” and we again agree.

 

FAT vs GET A HAIR CUT (w/fatter than Fat)

Scott suggest Rikishi look into adopting some kind of attire that doesn’t allow us to see his FUCKING FAT ASS… EVER AGAIN! “Pants? Come on guys, GIVE HIM SOME PANTS!” I fired back with “but that’d kill his gimmick” and was shot down with “What gimmick? He shouldn’t even be on TV!” Good point… anyway, THIS MATCH BLOWS! Scott figures if you shoved Dusty Rhodes into Rikishi’s ass you’d have the fattest cow in recorded history. We start yapping about Rikishi really being the bizarro world version of Dusty Rhodes complete with identical hair. Did Piper blow the finish like three times? At least O’Haire has a cool finisher. ¼*

 

Heroine Whore finds Stacy getting something to eat, prompting Mark to totally shred the credibility of the segment considering Stacy has THREE PIECES OF CELERY! “You think she keeps that figure pigging out like that? You don’t know WWE women.” OUCH! Anyway, we get the worst acting EVER. Why does Sable have to dress like a FUCKING SKANK when she’s only going to be backstage?

 

Van Dam is high as a kite and spouts off about a whole bunch of shit I could care less about. Felix figures he should work high from this point forward. Then and ONLY THEN can he reach the greatness he attained in ECW.

 

FACE? HEEL? WHO CARES! 3D! vs BURNING SPLIFFS (World Tag Team Titles)

“Chief Morley? Isn’t that Val Venis?” HAHAHA! Scott owns it sometimes. This match was sucking pretty badly so Scott elected to pimp the hell out of some new Massive Role Playing Game (or whatever the fuck the stupid name is for all those Everquest rip offs). Van Dam and Buh Buh totally carry this thing to something watchable. I mean the crowd literally dies during any segment with D-Von and/or Kane. Ending was hot, match blew chunks (at least for these four). *1/2

 

In the only set of segments carrying this show since the opener, Stacy finds Torrie in the women’s locker room and IT’S FUCKING ON! All the women break it up and this is SOOOOO FUNNY and yet SOOOOO STUPID as they managed to break every storyline possible between any of these women over the last year in one shot. Felix figures Dirty Confused Date Rapist should have made an appearance offering the ladies “diet pills.”

 

IS THAT PORNO MUSIC? (w/gay ass pink suit manager) vs BEST WOMAN IN NORTH AMERICA (WWE Women’s Title)

Jazz has got on new white tights and so New Tights Theorem goes into effect. BUT WAIT… Felix points out that Trish has the shiniest tits EVER and so “Shiny Tits Theorem” is put into effect where by the women with the shiniest breasts has thus captured the male and homosexual women’s audience and must go over. WHICH THEORUM WILL PREVAIL?! Trish is SO FUCKING GOOD! I mean she’s head and shoulders above everyone else in the women’s division it’s not even funny. Jazz is really good here beating the shit out of Trish. Trish comes back with her usual greatness and slaps Jazz in the face with a sweet Boston Crab into STF as payback for all the times Jazz punked her out with that same move. Stuff happens and we’ve got a new Champion. I always prefer Trish chasing for the title anyway. **

 

The face six man have a little chat and we move to Kevin Nash prompting Scott asking “Didn’t they amputate his leg?” If only life were that good.

 

I’M BIG AND FAT SO I’M GETTING A PUSH vs I’M SMALL AND ATHLETIC SO I’M JOBBING TO THE GUY GETTING A PUSH

OK fuck the match. The only thing you really need to care about is the SICK BUMP at the end. Rey Rey is strapped to a stretcher and then Show comes back, picks up Rey (who is still strapped to the stretcher) and FUCKING SWINGS IT INTO THE POST! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! SICKEST… BUMP… EVER! FIND IT ONLINE! NOW! NOW! NOW! Uh… match was like ½*

 

Lilian Garcia yaps with the Six Man Hells and JERICHO… IS… HOGAN! MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT MOUSTACHE! Garcia OWNS as she tries to walk away with the mic before HHH can get in his last long winded spiel.

 

IT’S TORRIE… AND STACY! FUCK YES! Torrie pushes her into a cabinet and a plastic bin FALLS ON STACY’S HEAD! HAHAHA! If that shit wasn’t planned, FUCK it was funny. Hell even if it was planned, FUCK it was funny.

 

WORD LIFE vs SHOOTING STAR JUST A LITTLE TOO FAR (WWE Title)

Cena’s rap… SUCKED LIKE CRAP! I ain’t down with the brown, shit matches make me frown, My girl says I act like a clown, trying to find a noun for this here sound but I don’t care cause I RHYME THAT SHIT DOWN! (Justin crosses his arm like a thug and subsequently has the shit beat out of him by two ten year old preppy white boys). Hey look, this match kicked ass, I ain’t tryin to sass, Cena ain’t about flash and Brock’s the head of his class so draw in the crowd and make em chant loud as Cena gets over but lays down like rover F5! WORD LIFE! ***1/4

 

PUPPET MASTERS & THE PUPPET vs 2ND TIER PUPPET MASTERS AND THE BLACK PUPPET

We all figure that WWE spent their entire budget on the pyro for the face team alone. This started great but then fell apart. Mark, Scott and Dave start talking about the hilarious promotion going on in Toronto as The World Health Organization is coming to their decision to FUCK US OVER and as a means of showing them Torontonians actually congregate together, Ted Rogers (owner of The Toronto Blue Jays) bought EVERY TICKET IN SKYDOME AND SOLD THEM FOR $1 EACH! So yeah; we’re all going to The Jays game on Tuesday night. We all yap about the devastation of having all 50000 people in Skydome get SARS and how it would effect the city with all of their families being quarantined and thus crippling the city. I started paying attention when Michaels was having his leg worked over for the heat up segment. The ending was a convoluted mess of crap and HHH dropped to a point lower than I ever could have thought with the way the ending was booked. **

 

The Rock FUCKING OWNS YOU on the mic. He single handedly turned the crowd onto cheering him within a two – three minute interview. This guy is FUCKING GOLD!

 

FUNNIEST MAN EVER vs YOU JUST GOT FUCKED IN THE ASS BY ROCK’S INTERVIEW

Scott starts a HILARIOUS conversation as we start debating on how Sting should be brought into WWE. “LOOK! IT’S STING IN THE RAFTERS” Now first you NEED to have Tony Schiavone doing PbP on RAW. Second, Sting will stay in the rafters for FOUR YEARS! He never leaves the rafters or it would KILL THE SUSPENSE! Now after the four years, you get the most ridiculous fake Sting’s possible including: The Big Show, Albert (with no jacket on), Rikishi, Albert (with no jacket on), 3 Minute Warning and finally… ALBERT (with no jacket on). Fake Sting scenario would have to play out no longer than TWO MORE YEARS (otherwise the fans will lose interest) and then and ONLY THEN can Sting roll down in a wheelchair and PREACH THE WORD OF GOD! 5.0 BUYRATE! Anyway, we start talking about Goldberg. Felix says he only lost once in WCW after the win streak was started, losing to “The Mountie’s Cattle Prod.” Scott says that Goldberg jobbed clean to Steiner when “me and my three roommates at school were the only people on Earth watching Nitro.” I jumped in talking about how Steiner was on Heat facing Rico. Mark’s response? “YES! RICO!” HAHAHA! The match itself is kind of hard to put into words. On one hand Rock was great but at the same time, the stuff that made us love him also slowed the match down to a crawl. The match was kept very simple with only a handful of moves but the crowd was really into it (as were we when we weren’t making up Sting scenarios). Odds are I have to re-watch it without Felix yapping about Steiner but right now I’d say it was OK. Not good but not that bad either. *3/4

 

Final Thoughts: If you’re thinking of buying the replay, don’t even bother. Only one match broke *** and as I realized while talking to SK, not everyone is going to like Cena vs Brock like I did. An average show with a lot of “fun” but not a whole lot of “great” to warrant watching twice if you saw it live or even buying it on replay if you’re wondering how Rock vs Goldberg was. High recommendation to avoid.

Edited April 28, 2003 by Pegasus Kid

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Cena vs Brock was ***1/4? Were you watching a different match then the rest of planet earth who thought it generally sucked?

 

Curse you......now you've got me wanting to see 'Lil Rey tossed around on a stretcher.

[King Cucaracha 0]

Mark suggests they change Test’s name to “Dirty Confused Date Rapist” and we all agree.

Lmao, I'm gonna have to call him that too. Good stuff, enjoyed it...and I didn't think Cena-Lesnar was that high either, but it wasn't that bad.

[Guest NoCalMike]

After watching the Lesnar/Cena match last night, one this is CLEAR: Brock Lesnar cannot carry a match to save his life. He was so blown up that Cena had to keep the choke hold on for a good 5-7 minutes which in turn killed the crowd dead. Lesnar, not only does NOT deserve his spot, he also isn't ready for it.

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

"Dirty Confused Date-Rapist." That's got a nice ring to it. Maybe the WWF can play up the fact that test looks like a walking hard-on looking for a hole(copyright Brodie Bruce, Mallrats).

[Guest Pegasus Kid]

Cena vs Brock was ***1/4? Were you watching a different match then the rest of planet earth who thought it generally sucked?

I sat down with the match again today (remember that my Hangout Report ratings can be fucked up because I'm yapping with the guys about all sorts of shit during the live feed). Anyway, I think the rating holds up, maybe dropping 1/4*. They laid out a solid match with Brock as the strong champion (as he should be) against an underdog heel that "fought" rather than "wrestled" against the NCAA Champion. Brock's wound got opened up (playing off Cena's attack on SD) and the big rest hold worked perfectly for the story of the match as the Rear Naked Choke (which everyone seems to be bitching about) cuts off the circulation to the brain while it's already losing blood from the earlier gash. The reverse crowd heat doesn't help, with their loud chants actually taking away from the match but I found the work and the story to be very good and stand by the rating.