your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 5/8/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Folks called me and offered to buy me booze or loan me their pain medication en lieu of offering me any spoilers, so I was to assume it would suck tonite. But we here in the Work-rate-o-sphere don`t go like that. We watch the pro wrestling and make bad jokes about it. I`m here for you. We can cuddle....

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Eddy is growing the roofer hairstyle that a man five years older than he would sport- sorta like a mullet, but more like a guy who was really into the Cars in 1981. MATT vs EDDY~! Fuck me runnin! Shit fire and save the matches! I am torqued. Eddy fucks something up early and the editing can`t even save it. Eddy and Matt punch each other and those don`t need editing. Matt whips out the Bow and Arrow and Eddy gets the HEAT. Eddy reverses into a sleeper but Matt cuts him off and starts beating him down. Eddy transitions with a corner Frankensteiner and a couple lariats. Eddy hits the triple Vertical Suplexes and Eddy is over in Halifax. Eddy misses the Frogsplash Matt goes back on offense, getting the first nearfall with a nice toprope Guillotine. Eddy gets the flashpin and I would be deeply into these two feuding and all three of these stables feuding for a while.

 

- Jamie Noble refuses to grow his hair out. He refuses to come to ``Barracuda`` by Heart. Nidia refuses to come out in aqua stretch pants and XXL Mickey Mouse shirt. Noble is fun with the Greatest Possible Power Plant Offense in this match. Spanky sells it pretty well and pulls out some nice rollups. Noble hits a sweet DiBiase Powerslam. Spanky hits a nice Shooey Nooey and there you have some perfectly fine wrestling. Yep.

 

- They should shut up about Big Show being a BULLY as he is killing Misterio and let me hear more of THAT SONG! OOOOOOOOO IT`S THE BIG SHOOOW! They do show the legit injury a whole bunch in slow motion like they would have in Mexico, so I was into it.

 

- Tajiri is awesome selling the offense of TEAM ANGLE and is a fine Ricky Morton for being in the heat segment for such an AMAZINGLY short period of time. Turdwellian finally regains power and gears up for smear the fine vessel that is Rikishi`s Ass- on Shelton Benjamin`s face. Turdwellian`s eyes light up. ``LOOK AT IT, DR POO!``

 

``Yes, Captain. It is a beautiful asstastic sight, indeed.``

 

`` We will SMEAR his face until he can actually TASTE yesterday`s 6 piece chicken dinner! CRY HAVOK AND LET LOOSE THE HOUNDS OF THE RIPPLED PUNGENT CORNHOLE WONDERLAND OF THE MIGHTY ASSCANNON THAT IS RIKISHI!`` Alas, it is not be and Benjamin low blows Rikishi and Tajiri does the job clean as a sheet. A man, another man, a gigantic ass- another day, I suppose.

 

- Cena`s offense sucks but this match should be perfectly fine. Rhyno knows what he can do and doesn`t screw anyth... oh, it`s actually an angle and not a match. I don`t know why this would work. Eh. Rhyno looked perfectly fine? Fuck, welcome to getting here by the skin of your teeth. Or maybe because this is pretty much a batch of room temperature matches limping to the 10 o`clock hour and this was no worse than anything else. Yessss, diminished returns.

 

- Benoit sells for Big Show. Yes. He did. Benoit wrestles to the point of making a match against 500 pounds of complete shit watchable. The whole thing all sets up a PPV Main Event I will NEVER want to see so HEY! I saved some money.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- They show a whole lot of the recap of some prostatedly-bloated, shriveled and useless be-penised old farts reliving the Charlie Brown from Out Of Town angle without a single Moondog available to feign being Mr America while Hogan stands in the background. Unfortunately, it morphs right into this week`s opening moments. I`m assuming that Rey Misterio will assume the roll of Mr America en lieu of a Moondog. They are in Canada, thus one can dream that Red Green will dress up as Mr Canadian-Who-Hates-Shitty-Wrestling-Angles and run in and beat Vince McMahon to death with a Cat O` Nine Tails made from duct tape and lawn chair parts. Vince offers to fuck every Canadian in the place and it suddenly gets kinda fun. Vince brings out his daughter Scott Putski and I`m wondering if he will offer to allow every Canadian in the building to throw some maple syrup-tinged Maritime spunk all up in his daughter`s muscular vice-like cooter. I know we as a nation are going through a rough batch with our beloved and devoted brothers and sisters in the True North as of late but they will not ply Canadians with the treacly and pungent groin regions of a McMahon in my name! NOT IN MY NAME! They talk and talk and talk and I kill the time counting the liver spots on the two fossils blathering on. And they talk and talk and talk. I kill some more time imagining how much like a catchers mitt Hulk Hogan`s tanning-bed-ravaged skin must feel, like sand paper rough like sharkskin... no probably creepily soft and overly yielding to the touch like a film that develops on the top a pudding that sits out too long... wait... MR AMERICA WILL HAVE A MATCH AND THEY SHOWED HULK HOGAN IN TAMPA!!!! WHAT THE CRAP COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN!?!?

 

- Mr America comes out and they play that whole Corey Hart song to the delight of the Canadian crowd. If Benoit comes out to Blue Rodeo with special guest Rik Emmit singing, a thousand patriotic Canadian wrestling fans will convulse on the floor in jingoist rapture and we as a nation of brothers of empathetic love will join them. They COMPLETELY puss out by having Hulk Hogan show up. And then Hogan uses this gimmick to suck his own dick by talking about how inspiring Hulk Hogan was to him. It`s like the Utne Reader created this gimmick as a Leftist jab at American Patriotic self-congratulation or something. Luckily, Vince McMahon brings out his daughter Marty Jannetty to get in the ring with Hulk Hogan. The part where Vince uses the misdirection to lowblow Hogan looked like a pissed off Strom Thurmon getting EXTREME PAYBACK on a masked and confused Jesse Helms- in terms of speed and devastation of execution.

 

- Sable comes out and her outfit is made of macrame, making me feel better knowing that she developed a skill while she was down to doing the occasional boat show while out of the biz. Torrie and Dawn Marie have a match that is shorter than the average trailer on backroomfacials.com, so I don`t know if the target audience: teenagers without Cinemax, sexually stunted 37 year old virgins, future White Aryan Resistance members who own nun-chuks - could actually effectively toast a load in their collective tighty not-so-whiteys before the pinfall could be counted. Postmatch, Sable and Torrie try to act like they are actually going to moosh their poon tang together at some point to get the hardy few in said target audience to finally relinquish the acidic cocoanut oil, spewing it over the hand-painted miniature Orc Army that protects the coffee table in front of the TV.

 

- During the Brock Lesner seatbelt PSA, I was waiting for Brock to call me ``McFly``.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest j.o.b. squad]

dean i thought you woude continue the adventures of al wilson this week

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

poor DEAN. You used to have so much fun watching Smackdown.

 

I know it must have been a rough night, but vhere is Al Vilson? Ve...uh, where is WHOREULON!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

poor DEAN. You used to have so much fun watching Smackdown.

 

I know it must have been a rough night, but vhere is Al Vilson? Ve...uh, where is WHOREULON!

Al Wilson will be back next week. WHORULON is like a dank and musky wind- you never know when it will reappear.

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

During the Brock Lesner seatbelt PSA, I was waiting for Brock to call me ``McFly``.

 

Biff Lesnar did a PSA?! DAMNIT!! I missed it!

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

Thank God Al's back next week, for I missed him so. And it's Strom Thurmond, DEAN. No hard feelings though.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I was on a roll.

 

DEAN.

[Bored 0]

- Benoit sells for Big Show. Yes. He did. Benoit wrestles to the point of making a match against 500 pounds of complete shit watchable.

I think this poses the question of if Benoit were to wrestle The Big Show and then wrestle a bag filled with 500 pounds of shit, who would he get the better match out of? Also how many pounds of shit could Benoit wrestle and still get a watchable match out of? 1000? 2000?

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

Well, if you put Benoit in a 3-on-1 handicap match against Show, Nathan Jones, and Bill DeMott he could make it watchable. That's 1.000 lbs of shit right there.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

All I know is that I am saddened and dismayed at the lack of Al Wilson. However, I do appreciate knowing that Benoit could wrestle himself COVERED in shit and put on a better match than all the big men put together in the WWF who weigh more than Brock Lesnar. And I know DEAN is gonna appreciate this, the Toryumon love he is...ULTIMO DRAGON debuts soon!!! SO WE GET ULTIMO VS. REY!!! Ah well...

[Guest Goodear]

I watched Rooster Cogburn on AMC instead. I stand by that decision.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I watched Rooster Cogburn on AMC instead. I stand by that decision.

FILL YOUR HAND, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

 

(Actually, that was from TRUE GRIT.)

 

DEAN.

[Guest Goodear]

"You've gone to seed! You're a drunk! You can't even close that coat around your belly."

 

"Hell, I haven't had a drink since this morning. And I only wear this coat in here!"

[Guest Polish_Rifle]

After Matt and Eddie, I got sick of the Mr. America snoozefest and I split my time watching the Wild/Canucks game and Spider-Man on HBO and from the looks of things it was 100% more entertaining than anything I missed on the show.

 

Any marketing class can tell you that the most important aspect of any business is customer retention. I guess Stephanie and the rest of the crew at Titan Towers were asleep the day they stressed the importance of catering to your existing customer/fan base.