Best One-Liner

[Guest Star Ocean 3]

Zangief: Dee Jay, wait! We gotta go stop the bad guys!

Dee Jay: You moron, those are the good guys! We're the bad guys!

Zangief: Bison's a bad guy? So wait, why did you work for him?

Dee Jay: Because he paid me a freakin' fortune, mon!

Zangief: ...You got paid?

[Guest raptor]

X-2: X-Men United:

Magneto: Mr. Laurio, never trust a beautiful woman; especially one who's interested in you.

 

Magneto: [to Wolverine] Once again, you think it's all about you

 

Professor X: William..

William Stryker: Oh, please Xavier, don't get up

 

Buffy The Vampire Slayer (The Movie)

 

Benny: Her yabos scoff at gravity

 

Amilyn The One-Armed Vampire: We're immortal, Buffy. We can do anything.

Buffy: Oh yeah? Clap.

 

and now, Kevin Smith, god of the one liner

 

Clerks

 

Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad

 

Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."

 

Randal Graves: I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.

 

Mallrats:

 

Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent

conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

 

Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit!?

 

Brodie: Yeah! About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand it all.

 

Chasing Amy:

 

Banky Edwards: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'

 

Banky Edwards: [to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?

 

Alyssa: So, you've never been curious about men?

Holden: Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw

 

Dogma:

 

Rufus: People only want to hear the good shit...life eternal, a place in God's heaven...but as soon as you hear that you're gettin' all this good shit from a black Jesus, you freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior.

 

Metatron: You people! If it hasn't been made into a movie, it's not worth knowing about, is that it?

 

Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?

Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too

 

Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

[Guest MillenniumMan831]

Major League

 

Harry Doyle: So the Erie Warriors drop a heartbreaker to the Yankees 9-0. Post game show brought to you by . . . ahh Christ I can't find it, the HELL with it!"

 

(Later in the season)

 

Doyle: The Indians drop this one 6-1 to the Rangers. FOr the Indians 1 run on 1 hit. That's all we got, ONE GODDAMN HIT!

Monte: You can't say Goddamn on the air.

Doyle: Ah nobody's listening anyway.

[Guest Harry Hood]

Single best comeback in cinema history, i always try to work this in to everyday conversation:

 

Mills:Calm down. I seem to remember us knocking on your door.

 

 

John Doe: Oh, that's right and I seem to remember breaking your face. You're only alive because I didn't kill you.

 

From the greatest movie ever...Se7en

[Guest NaturalBornThriller4:20]

The only one that matters...

 

" Hello, Mr. Anderson "

 

Or...

 

Agent Smith: " Me, me, me "

Agent Smith: " Me, too "

[Guest Vern Gagne]

Roger, Roger!

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

There are so many great lines from Major League. My personal favorite being, "You telling me Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?"

[Guest Nanks]

Hot Shots 2, right before the President of the US v Saddam fight scene

 

Saddam: "I'm going to kill you til you die from it"

 

Same movie when Charlie Sheen rescues Rowan Atkinson from the Iraqi prison.

 

Sheen: C'mon, let's get you out of here

Atkinson: I'm sorry, I can't, I must stay here

Sheen: But....why??

Atkinson: I'm afraid they've............tied my shoelaces together

Sheen: Those sick bastards

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Time Bandits-"Oh, so that's what an invisible barrier looks like."

 

The Stoned Age-"We got the Schnappster, half a joint of rag weed, all we need's some chicks."

 

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-When he's got Gonzo cornered in the tub with the shower curtain rod. "Back, back you weird fucker...I am Ahab."

[Guest eiker_ir]

from the Freddy vs. Jason trailer

 

Freddy: '' why won't you DIE?!?!''

[Guest Cover of Darkness]

"Take the fucking elephant!"

 

- Darkman

 

 

 

"Want to hear my theory? This... Fazeel was so upset over lousy wrestling that he went down to the parking garage, and in a fit of depression... cut off his own head."

 

- Highlander

 

 

 

"I think you just became my personal hero."

 

- American Beauty

 

"This is Col. Ourmov! Come out with your hands above your head."

 

"How original."

 

- GoldenEye

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

Death to Smoochy:

Rainbow Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins! Rumple Foreskin! He made this! It's made from dil-dough!

 

X-2:

Xavier: My tolerance of you smoking within the mansion notwithstanding; continue smoking that in here, and you will spend the rest of your life believing you are a six-year-old girl.

Wolverine: You would do that?

Xavier: I would have Jean braid your hair.

 

Magneto: Too much iron in your blood...

 

Magneto: You are a God among insects, don't let anyone tell you different.

 

Xavier: Next time you want to show off. . . don't.

 

Pyro: You know all those bad mutants you hear about on the news....I'm the worst one

 

Wolverine: Is there any beer?

Iceman: This is a school.

Wolverine: I guess thats a no.

 

Police man: Put the knives down and get on the ground.

Logan: I can't.

 

Nightcrawler: If you can be other people why don't you just stay like them?

Mystique: Because we shouldn't have to.

[Guest Pop Culture God]

"Oh my god, it's Heller!"

 

"Looks like he hit a dead end."

 

- License to Kill

 

 

(Inside the Hemmingway house, Bond has just delievered his resignation to M. M asks for his sidearm.)

 

"Looks like it's a farewell to arms."

 

(Bond kicks M in the gut and escapes.)

 

- License to Kill

 

(Bond throws a guard into a metal cabinet filled with maggots)

 

"Bonne Appitite!"

 

- License to Kill

[Mrnoitaull 0]

" The Price is wrong, BITCH!!" Happy Gilmore

[Guest Vyce]

From one of the greatest underrated movies of our time: Big Trouble in Little China!

 

Jack Burton: Son of a bitch must pay.

 

At the Dragon of the Black Pool:

Burton, on the phone: Mutual Fidelity Insurers of Sacramento….yeah, well there’s got to be a listing honey I pay them 6gs a year in premiums.

Uncle Chu: China is here, Mr. Burton. The Chang Shing, the Wing Kong…they’ve been fighting for centuries!

Burton: What does that mean, huh? “China is here,” I don’t even know what the hell that means. Look, all I know is this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air in the middle of a goddamn alley, while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds, and he just stands there, waiting for me to drive my truck straight THROUGH him…with LIGHT coming out of his mouth?!

 

Burton: What people? Look, this Lo Pan I ran over, THROUGH –

Uncle Chu: Has spirit medium powers….like the immortals. His flesh and his bones are atomized. He becomes…..a dream.

Burton: ………What?

 

Wang: I’m going, now, alone if I have to!

Margo: Go? Where, it’s pouring outside!

Wang: Lo Pan’s, the Wing Kong Exchange.

Gracie Law: The Wing King Exchange? The most dangerous, cutthroat den of madmen in Chinatown, you can’t just waltz in and out of there –

Wang: Like the wind? Yes I can Ms. Law. My mind and my spirits are as one.

Jack: As two, I said I was coming.

Gracie: I would go, it’s just that –

Jack: I know, there’s a problem with your face.

Okay! You sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we’re not back by dawn….*winks at Gracie* Call the President.

 

Speaking with David Lo Pan:

Lo Pan: A girl with green eyes….To satisfy Shin Dai. A girl brave enough to embrace the naked blade. And when I find her, I will marry her.

Wang: NEVER!

Lo Pan: And Shin Dai will be happy and my curse will be lifted!

Jack: Go off and rule the universe from beyond the grave.

Lo Pan: Indeed!

Jack: Or check into a psycho ward, whichever comes first.

Wang: Jack, will you –

Jack: Jack what, I’m supposed to buy this shit? 2,000 years and he can’t find one broad to fit the bill? C’mon, Dave, you got to be doing something wrong.

 

Egg Shen: Black blood of the earth.

Jack: You mean oil.

Egg Shen: I mean black blood of the earth!

 

Jack: Hollow?

Wang: Hollow.

Jack: Fuck it.

 

Lo Pan: Goodbye, Mr. Burton. *throws knife at Jack*

*Jack catches knife in mid-air, throws it back – and into Lo Pan’s forehead*

Jack: It’s all in the reflexes.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

When the fuck did this thread degenerate from "Best One-Liner" to "Best Monologue"?

[Guest notJames]

I was thinking the same exact thing.

 

"Why are you pulling my dick?"

 

"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!"

 

"Greetings and salutations."

 

- Heathers

[Guest eiker_ir]

'' what THE FUCK is the internet? ''

 

- Jay

[Guest Marshall]

You kids need to see better movies.

[Guest CanadianChris]

STANTZ: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

WALTER PECK: They caused an explosion!

MAYOR: Is this true?

VENKMAN: Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.

[Mrnoitaull 0]

You kids need to see better movies.

amen

[Guest Vyce]

When the fuck did this thread degenerate from "Best One-Liner" to "Best Monologue"?

First page, I think.

[Guest Youth N Asia]

"I can eat 50 eggs."

 

-Cool Hand Luke...and movies don't get better then that

[Guest Youth N Asia]

And for "Best Monologue"

 

"What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here, which is the way he want it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it anymore then you do."

 

-Once again...Cool Hand Luke

[Guest DR PHIL]

A very underrated movie, the specials:

 

"The great thing about not getting the person you love, is that you can think about that person while masturbating..which is essentially the same thing!"

 

GOLD!!!

[Guest Lil Naitch]

"And then we'll put him in a petting zoo, so he can be with your mother."

Billy Crystal talking ot his wife in City Slickers about Norman, the cow.

[Guest Insane Bump Machine]

This thread needs some quotes from The Last Boy Scout.

 

Joe Hallenbeck: This is the nineties. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.

 

 

[Jimmy is being approached by a bunch of goons]

Jimmy Dix: Right now, I'm trying to figure out which one of you looks like my dick.

 

 

Jimmy Dix: Maybe I could take your daughter horseback riding. How old is she?

Joe Hallenbeck: She's 13, and if you even look at her funny I'm gonna shove an umbrella up your ass and open it.

 

 

Joe Hallenbeck: I swear to Christ that if I survive this fucking case I'm gonna dance a jig!

 

 

[Talking to himself]

Jimmy: Okay, what would Joe do at a time like this? He'd kill everybody and smoke some cigarettes.

 

 

[after killing a bunch of football players during a game]

Billy Cole: Ain't life a bitch?

[shoots himself]

 

 

[Joe Hallenbeck is talking to a puppet on his hand]

Joe as puppet: Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?

Joe Hallenbeck: I don't know. Why?

Joe as puppet: Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

 

 

Alley Thug: Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.

Joe Hallenbeck: That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife.

Alley Thug: Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife?

Joe Hallenbeck: She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat.

Alley Thug: Oh, you're real cool but you've got to take a bullet.

Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two.

 

 

Milo: You think you are so fucking cool, don't you? You think you are so fucking cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain...

Joe Hallenbeck: Play some rap music.

 

 

Joe Hallenbeck: The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. Who gives a fuck?

 

 

Jimmy Dix: What, you don't believe in love?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I believe in love; I believe in cancer.

 

 

Jimmy: It's called a vocabulary. You got one of those?

Joe Hallenbeck: Sorry, my subscription to JUGGS magazine ran out.

[Guest notJames]

And for "Best Monologue"

 

"What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here, which is the way he want it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it anymore then you do."

 

-Once again...Cool Hand Luke

Technically it's "What we've got here is failure to communicate…"

 

And really, the greatest one-liner ever is from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade:

 

"We named the dog Indiana."

 

(Okay, maybe not.)

[Guest Youth N Asia]

And for "Best Monologue"

 

"What we've got here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here, which is the way he want it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it anymore then you do."

 

-Once again...Cool Hand Luke

Technically it's "What we've got here is failure to communicate…"

 

And really, the greatest one-liner ever is from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade:

 

"We named the dog Indiana."

 

(Okay, maybe not.)

Pardon my a