Your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 5/29/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

My Secret Vieled Spoiler Caller suggested a trashcan full of booze before watching. I'm assuming this is too celebrate the goodness of Smackdown early. WOO-HOO!

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Tajiri steals a truck for Eddy. The hydraulics are wacky and it warms my heart. The match with TEAM ANGLE is all kindsa fun. Southern in the elongated style- as Shelton takes a batch of Tajiri's offense early before the The Heat Segment Is Begun. After the commercial, Tajiri has moved in the Heat Segment and Tajiri sells it fabulously- smacking out of a submission and then selling the despair of being cutoff by Shelton, who applies his own submission hold. Eddy makes the save and TEAM ANGLE musters all their collective evil to switch WITHOUT TAGGING! THE MOTHERFUCKERS! WHAT COMPLETE MOTHERFUCKERS! Shelton does that fun spinning sell of the rana and Tajiri finally hits the hot tag and Eddy is house a-fire. Triple Vertical Suplexes and the Frog Splash and then it's nearfall after nearfall and the crowd is torqued as we are. Eddy gets mad phat heat for his mini-heat segment and then all kindsa stuff leads up to Eddy cheating to win as is the practice of the times and I love this feud.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

Skandar's Z28 was blaring out the Van Halen. He is 16 and has a crewcut and state patrol sun glasses. He is filled with teen energy- too much sex drive and too few destinations or opportunities to take the matter into his own hand. Baron smiles as the car pulls up beside him. Skandar is screaming along to the song blaring out of Alpine speakers with power boosters. "Baby PLEASE! I cain't take it anymo-oh! I'm takin whiskey to the party tonite and I'm looking for somebody to SQUEEEZE!" Skandar smiles and turns the stereo down. "Hey faggot."

 

"Skandar, you are zuch a divine shithead. Vere are ve going?" Baron flops in the passenger seat, the crunch of Hardee's biscuit wrappers and Big Gulp cups rise from the floorboard.

 

"I ain't got shit to do and all fuckin summer to do it, motherfucker- what do you think I'm doin? We gotta do something tonight. I'm bout to bust. I'm up for gettin some."

 

"Getting some vat, Herr Akbar?"

 

"C'mon, motherfucker. Pussy. SOME PUSSY! PUSS-AY!"

 

"Vat is this American slang term you use?"

 

"Oh FUCK ME RUNNIN, MOTHERFUCKER- you have GOT to be kidding me. I talkin about PUSSY! God, you really are some kinda German faggot. You know: pussy. Cooch. Quim. Cooter. Poon tang. Gravy boat. Nappy dugout."

 

"Ah, vagina."

 

"Fuck yeah I'm talkin bout getting some vagina, ya fuckin idiot...."

 

" I am tired of driving around talking to girls who don't want to talk to us. Ve get drunk and ve end up getting in fights and I end up busting some poor bastard teeth out. Anyvays, I think I have met somebody zat I love."

 

"Baron, you have GOT to be shitting me. What's a Germanic sex stud like yourself getting mixed up in a thing like love? What the fuck?"

 

"Her name is Jennifer. She hangs out by ze canteen..."

 

"No fucking way, I know who your talking about. She's tasty. She's a real fox. What the fuck? She likes you?"

 

"I zink she does. Ve are goink to ze Sadie Hawkins day dance zis Friday."

 

"No. Fuckin. WAY! That's completely awesome. Old Baron's coming round to the a-dult world. You gonna fuck her or what?"

 

The Baron felt a rage build in throat and his fists clenched together. "You are mein fruende, but I vill kill you if you ever speak of her like zat again."

 

"Holy shit, Baron. Chill out. I'm just joshin'. Shit."

 

"I'm sorry, Skandar. I am just a little sensitive and confused..."

 

"I can dig it, m'man. I've been with the ladies and had them get me all mixed up. Then I realized that I gotta play the field and get in my pokes before I get old. I mean, I useta walk around hard as a weddin dick before I figured out how to play the field and get all the pussay. But it's cool man. Love is beautiful. It just ain't for me. You know what I mean? So, you dream about her?"

 

"Yes. Yes I do. She vill appear in the middle of my dreams- like last night I vas in a restaurant and she came in and joined us at ze table and I...and I...AND I VAS UNLEASHED! And I held her tightly in my ARMS AND I KISSED HER AND ALL OF ZE ENERGY IN THE UNIVERSE VAS UNLEASHED IN OUR KISS! AND I VEPT WHEN ZE BASTARD OF VAT IS ZE REAL VORLD BROUGHT ME BACK TO ZIS MUNDANE PLANE OF EXISTENCE! I CURSED MY ROOM AND BED AND I CURSED THAT IT VAS ONLY A DREAAAAM!! To hold her in my arms.... to kiss her vith mein lips.... to make mein dreams a... REALITY! I am NOW alive. She has made me ALIVE! I cannot remeber ze vorld before her...."

 

"Uh... shit. Well fuck, Baron. That's pretty fucking intense. Why don't we go drop in on her? It's not that far away and seeing you in my bad ass car will make you look cooler."

 

"Yes, let's do that. I vould like to see her. She has many friends- maybe they vould enjoy your loud music and tobacco spitting."

 

"Yeah, chicks dig that shit. Chewing tobacco isn't gross like smoking but it still makes you look mature. And chicks dig tunes. We'll ride up in our cool ride, jamming the tunes, being cool... the sweet pussAY is in the bag!"

 

The Baron laughs a deep, hearty laugh. "You are a fucking idiot, Skandar, but I like you."

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

- Matt and Rey are fucking GREAT in the set up for next week. Rey showing some fire in his PROMO~! and Matt kicking Rey in the testicles was all absolutely topdrawer.

 

- "MISTER POO! OH MY GOD! At four o'clock! IT'S A full frontal SQUASH!"

 

"Aye Captain! We'll definately get to utilize the good ship Giant Ass Of Rikishi! All hands on deck! The OVW Basham Brothers are beating on the wee lad Spanky!"

 

"YES! YES! It's all coming together early on! We have them both together in the corner!" Turdwellian guides the giant ass of Rikishi into the faces of the OVW superstars, exposing the developmental talent to Rikishi's fully developed meat locker of fecal remnants. And HEY! we have a crappy roll up surprise win. I guess that was Doug Basham and Nick Dinsmore. Hopefully they wrestle again next week so they can go on a secret journey with Turdwellian. I'm excited.

 

- They add Big Show to the already readymade turd of a main event and I live in FEAR. Chuck and UT is actually kinda fun. Chuck's punches fucking rock tonight. Chuck and Brock is really fun for pretty much the same reasons. Brock vs Johnny the Bull was fun. HEY! UT vs JtB is fun! And then..... The Big Show. And it... didn't suck? WHAT? Brock fires up the Big Show a little and the FBI are fun as heel weasels during the Heat Segment. UT is good at the Old School Man On The Apron getting the crowd into it and Brock garners wads of heat before the hot tag- with UT being a far less born-again Sting in his house afiredness. The ending was fine because I got to hear that theme song again- ITTT'S THE BIIIG SHOWW! YEAH IT'S something something something YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- We start with Sable. She really should have invested in a silicone BUTT while she was getting caulked and inflated at the McMahon Dewomanization and Dehumanization Body Image Sculpting Clinic. Sable taunts Tazz and he comes through the ropes, slips on his November to Remember Commemorative Sabu cockring and mounts her right on national TV!! Oh wait... no, instead Torrie comes out dressed even worse than Sable. Nidia comes out and ZACK GOWER IS POPPING WOOD IN THE AUDIENCE- his other good leg standing at attention in the second row! I'm clllllllllllaaassy! Nidia works on the injured knee of Torrie and this is kinda fun for a second. They steamroll the ref with all their boobies and butts and girly things and the ref coats his boxers in zebra striped spunk. Nidia does the coochgrab roll-up for the pin. Sable throws a bucket of something on Tazz (her viscuous menopausal discharge? Big Show's spitbucket? Water?) Sable twirls around and pathetic sexually-stunted losers blow pungent loads into their Green Lantern Collectible spankerchiefs at the sight of her leathery ass. They pull down Nidia's pants for any of the sexual predators who needed to blow a load now en lieu of having to watch I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE for the 56th day in a row.

 

- The lie detector test segment allowed me to write alot of the Al Wilson segment. Hogan never once said, "Well, it was great. I mean, it was CRACK!" so fuck it. It just keeps going and going and goes to commercial and keeps going and get to write write write.

 

- Jesus Christ, does Sean O'Haire suck. Worst Benoit match ever. O'Haire is Bill Demott 2- Electric Boogaloo!

 

- The towing of Vince McMahon's car ALMOST worked because Zack Gower made the Yakov Smirnoff "What a COUNTRY!" face as they are pulling it away. But...

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Why the hell aren't you just a short story writer, DEAN?

 

Skandar 4 prez.

[Bored 0]

Dean, with all this material on Sable it makes me wonder if "The Secret Adventures of Sable" might not be too far behind or would having to write about her leathery bacon strip on a weekly basis be too much torture for one man to take?

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Shit, I never thought anything could top the adventures of one Al Wilson, but the flashbacks to Ze Barons youthful excursions and Skandar's penchant for pussAY, just may have done so...

[Bored 0]

Hogan never once said, "Well, it was great. I mean, it was CRACK!" so fuck it.

I know Bob Odenkirk and Hulk Hogan is no Bob Odenkirk.

 

This would have made for a better segment:

 

Vince: I am a control freak because I was molested by my parents *ding*....oh God what a break through!

[Guest AndrewTS]

Dean, your perverted brilliance once again brightens my Smackdownday night. Sure, I've yet to see the tape, but your meanspirited insults at Sable, odd stories and analogies, and over-the-top gushing at talented wrestlers warms my heart.

 

I'm unfortunately down with some sort of sickness at this time. However, they say laughter is the best medicine, so with hacking and coughing I laugh at another one of your demented masterpieces.

 

Tajiri and Eddy vs. Team Angle again--after missing SD last week, I get another chance! Bravo for whatever bookers decided to do this!!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Shit, I never thought anything could top the adventures of one Al Wilson, but the flashbacks to Ze Barons youthful excursions and Skandar's penchant for pussAY, just may have done so...

I've decided to base the Skandar Akbar At 16 character on lots of guys I guy up with in South Norfolk, VA. Actually, he's based a lot on my older cousin who i hung out with in high school. It will flesh itself out, I'm hoping.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

He reminds me of Gandhi on Clone High with a mix of JFK

 

"Baby, let me-erah helpah you dryur off... WITH MOY PAAANTS."

 

Gandhi

Being the clone of Mahatma Gandhi is a lot to live up to. That's why this clone buckled under the pressure of living up to his legacy, and instead gets himself, and best friend Abraham Lincoln, into wacky schemes week after hilarious week. In his quest to be the life of the party, Gandhi continuously gets himself in awkward and embarrassing situations, but keeps a positive attitude and always finds the will to spout out cliché catch phrases, such as "Shazam!"

 

John F. Kennedy

Much like his clonefather, JFK is a smooth-talking, charismatic ladies-man who's both intelligent and compassionate, except that he's neither intelligent nor compassionate. Maybe he's only aware of the playboy aspect of the late, great American president, or maybe he's just compensating because of his two gay foster dads. Either way, this womanizing, vain, and oftentimes inconsiderate clone provides Clone High with endless comedy and rock-hard abs.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Rudo, I think you've out DEANed DEAN. That is too much for people to take at this time.

 

And DEAN. I swear that Sean O'Haire is in fact a poor man's Takayama and that in about four years or so, he'll be able to have great match after great match after great match. But yes, right now, he sucks the big Canadian Mad Cow Ding Dong.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

So that means we should be seeing his head become a punching bag for Don Frye sometime in the future?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

That, too. And if I get to see Bob Sapp whoop his ass like he's a whole chicken or something, that would be neato, as well.

[Guest Goodear]

Once again, whoever writes the spoilers for these shows SUCKS A DICK. They give you the freaking McMahon-America bullshit in its entirety but doesn't tell you about that freaking tag match!?!? What the fuck is wrong with people that they just say, "Oh then Vince said this and Hogan said that and BLAH BLAH BLAH ... oh and Eddy/Tajiri beat Team Angle by DQ" ... What in the sweet merciful Jesus is up with dat? Stupid pricks.

 

Speaking of the tag match, could it have been any prettier? More lovely? I say not on your bloody life. When they have you buying the northern lights suplex as a match ender you just know that the wrestlers have the crowd in hand. Tajiri rules while caught in submissions as he continually fights his way out of things with chops, instead of sitting on his ass and growning. Charlie Haas was classic with his "what but, no, I didn't, no really face" while Eddie looks up from the mat and laughs his fool ass off. That's majestic! And they can keep having these matches since Tajiri and Eddie still haven't actually won a match by pinfall yet! Feud these guys forever.

 

The other tag match not so much, does Jim Cornette teach these kids anything as far as actuall offense? First the French guys, then O'Haire, and now The Bashams and not one of the bastards do anything more advanced than a body slam. At least The Bashams (especially Doug) seem to have their ring movement down and bump pretty well. But christ, how about using a drop toe hold? Something! ANYTHING!

 

The other, other tag match ruled as well. Palumbo looks like he's trying to turn into Scott Hall (when Hall didn't suck ... you know what I'm saying). Lesnar owns as he bumps for anyone and everyone and takes a beating from guys who need the elevation. Show is actually tolerable in one minute long spans. Taker and Stamboli do their things and its meh. But Lesnar is the star of the show and man Chuck is coming along better than I ever would have thought.

 

Rey should get Kane's old voice box because man he sounds like my ex girlfriend.

 

Ha ha, he sounds more like a woman than Sable does. Tee hee. Nidia brought the over the shoulder crab and it was about the only thing fun going on here. Of course she gets to work a lot more than Noble anymore, but he doesn't live the gimmick champ, so fuck him. Might as well put a turban on the guy and call him General Jamie Akbar for all the redneck he acts anymore.

 

Ho ho, Vince is a liar. Oh goodness me how I did not watch this thing. I went to Comedy Central but it was Primetime Glick and I think that show sucks so I went to Cartoon Network and saw Courage The Cowardly Dog instead... stupid dog.

 

Jesus Christ, does Sean O'Haire suck. Worst Benoit match ever. O'Haire is Bill Demott 2- Electric Boogaloo

 

Haha, that's funny because DeMott is BETTER than Karate Fighter O'Haire. Sweet mercy, does O'Haire blow the goats. MARTIAL ARTS MASTER! MASTER MARTIAL ARTS! ARTS MASTER MARTIAL!

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

and now The Bashams and not one of the bastards do anything more advanced than a body slam. At least The Bashams (especially Doug) seem to have their ring movement down and bump pretty well. But christ, how about using a drop toe hold? Something! ANYTHING!

Doug had a few matches on Velocity a while back, and looked pretty good. He got to be on offense a lot, showed some good moves, and drew good heel heat.

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

Once again, whoever writes the spoilers for these shows SUCKS A DICK. They give you the freaking McMahon-America bullshit in its entirety but doesn't tell you about that freaking tag match!?!? What the fuck is wrong with people that they just say, "Oh then Vince said this and Hogan said that and BLAH BLAH BLAH ... oh and Eddy/Tajiri beat Team Angle by DQ" ... What in the sweet merciful Jesus is up with dat? Stupid pricks.

It's because we actually get the one guy who actually ENJOYS the McMahon/Hogan garbage, and hates people like Eddie to send in the spoilers.

[Guest Nater]

You dont have to be 100% smark workrate nazi to enjoy wrestling. If the guy wants to write about Al Wilson, let him and dont bust his balls.

 

Ball-busting is far too common as of late, people just need to chill and enjoy what we get for free entertainment, and watch those Japanese/Hart Foundation tapes if you really wanna clean a tissure box over workrate.

 

(add: Yes, I know this is a workrate report, but its a lot more fun than that!)

Edited May 30, 2003 by Nater

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Haha, that's funny because DeMott is BETTER than Karate Fighter O'Haire. Sweet mercy, does O'Haire blow the goats. MARTIAL ARTS MASTER! MASTER MARTIAL ARTS! ARTS MASTER MARTIAL!

I think me n Goodear are on the same Page Of Bitterness for once. Weird.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Vyce]

Rudo, I think you've out DEANed DEAN. That is too much for people to take at this time.

 

And DEAN. I swear that Sean O'Haire is in fact a poor man's Takayama and that in about four years or so, he'll be able to have great match after great match after great match. But yes, right now, he sucks the big Canadian Mad Cow Ding Dong.

I think I'm the lone Sean O'Haire fan on this board.

 

So, in his defense: Sean O'Haire All of you

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

Well first *gazes up at RRR's earlier post* I miss Clone High. SCREW YOU MTV! SCREW YOU WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER! Ok now then:

 

In defense of the Bashams, look at who they were up against in "The New Bradshaw" Rikishi. Seriously, do they EVER book him to look bad, especially to a newcomer? There was Brock, but Brock still needed Paul E. to get out of the stinkface and hit the F5. Just let him come out, do his little dancing, then get his considerable ass kicked by any and everyone.

 

I will concur wholeheartedly that the 1st tag match was excellent. Eddy G and Tajiri are tremendous, what with Eddy's tearing up and "He's learning so quickly" comment. Although one thing surprised the hell out of me. They actually let Tajiri speak English? Jumping Jesus on a pony I was waiting for the WWE to acknowledge that Yoshihiro could actually speak in something besides muttering Japanese. Now they need to say more than him being from Japan. You don't announce HHH as being "from the USA" do you? Is it so hard for the ring announcer to break out the Crayolas and a new notecard and learn how to say "Yokohama"? Anyway, the 2 teams work together excellently, and they are more than willing to make the others look good.

 

Hogan/Vince took up about 3 segments and 15 minutes more than it should have, and learning that Vince abuses his wrinkly, steroid-shrivelled Genetic Jackhammer to thoughts of Mae Young and her bouncing baby hand is really too disturbing to dwell on.

 

SOH should just stand at ringside looking cool and let someone who can tell a wristlock from a wristwatch step into the ring with Mr. Benoit. At least in WCW he had the Seanton Bomb. Here in the big leagues that move is only for effeminate little Rainbow Brite experiments gone horribly wrong, thank you very much!

 

Finally, the last tag match was entertaining. Brock may look like a strategically shaved gorilla, but the dude will bump for people, even those who have no business beating on him (I'm looking at you, Mr. Stamboli!). Palumbo looks like he's trying REAL hard to make people forget he was ever about to marry Billy Gunn, and Nunzio is an adequate enough mouthpiece as long as he gets to interfere in every match the other two have. Undertaker looks like he actually gives a crap and busts his leathery tattooed ass, unlike some other big old guys *coughNashcough*. As for Big Shit, as long as he keeps actual attempts to interact with the others in short 1 or 2 minute bursts, all is well. However, how bad is it when you are so slow you depend on guys 6'3", 295 pounds to run up and bounce off you like a Superball to make you look like you're doing ANYTHING? The fct that they're trying to stretch the Brock/Show feud for another month shows me how large the gap still is between the upper card and the rest of the card. C'mon WWE writers, elevation isn't a cool magic trick ya know!

 

Anyway, I await the arrival of Horshu with the trepidation matched only by a trip to the proctologist.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

I don't mean to steal Goodear's gimmick, but all Mr. America-apreciating balls MUST BE BUSTED FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY!

 

anyway, am I the only one highly anticipating Skandar Akbar vs. Whoreulon? It's bound to happen. It's natural progression. Make it happen fucker!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I don't mean to steal Goodear's gimmick, but all Mr. America-apreciating balls MUST BE BUSTED FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY!

 

anyway, am I the only one highly anticipating Skandar Akbar vs. Whoreulon? It's bound to happen. It's natural progression. Make it happen fucker!

They teased of the return Of The Whoreulon but couldn't get all lethal parts together in the ring at once.

 

DEAN.