your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 7/17/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I`m trying to get into the wrestling tonight. I listened to the whole Tony Blair speech and he is definately the only Democratic candidate I could vote for.

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Holy crap, that Benoit vs Matt MOTHERFUCKING Hardy match was fun. Matt is busted open hardway after Benoit beats the living dogshit out of him. The nearfalls, the blood, the nearfalls, the blood! Yeah! I like that kinda stuff in my Benoit match. I like that in my Matt Hardy matches. Shannon Moore lands on his head for your repulsive pleasure.

 

- Nidia and Noble have the crappiest break-up ever. Noble didn`t smack her in the mouth for disrespecting him in front of his friends like a real whitetrash motherfucker would do. A real redneck should be able to control his bitch with violence. Ultimo Dragon was supersmooth and thoroughly unrusty. Noble bumps for the True WAR Junior Master and UD whips out the original Asai Moonsault for your pleasure, and we are pleased. Yes. Yes, we are. Torrie comes out because her botoxed cooter is aching to be plied by the uncut hillbilly pecker of Noble. Ultimo could give a shit about a peckerwood`s need to score some overpriced pussy and rolls the motherfucker up for 3 and gets on with his life.

 

- WWE hates you because they roll out the clubbing forearms flashback. The APA go around drafting more hideous forearms to do the clubbing. There seems to be some kind of clubbing forearm gathering- a convention of forearms waiting to club- club with impunity. Club with disregard. I fear the incessant clubbing forearms and mayhem they would wreak. You, the gentle reader, were yelling to me over the phone just lastnight about how the clubbing forearms have invaded your private sleeping world and you dreamt of forearms clubbing- menacingly, the ghastly smacking sound of forearms clubbing against your naked flesh. Rey Rey and Kidman beat two enhancement level wrestlers and Kidman didn`t have the DECENCY to try to get powerbombed by one of them so I could write an even longer, more pointless dissertation on how Conquistador #47 will now try his first enhancement Talent Powerbomb. So fuck this match. Rey Rey keeps it up here because Rey Misterio Jr is motherfucking awesome.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

Baron feels the beat. It is an obviously African American beat- having to do with the funk rhythms he has come to appreciate and sometimes truly love. Skandar`s brother played Baron the old Kool and the Gang records and the old Earth, Wind and fire records and the Baron understood the manly might and sexuallity that dripped from the rhythm. It brought to him an understanding of his own manly self and his healthy desires. The beat on the dancefloor was definately from Black Americans but the rest... the rest was... familiar. He grooved to the rhythm and grabbed Jennifer and rocked with her and danced to her wanton gyrations as they shouted along ``Rock and don`t stop it, rock and don`t stop! Keep tickin and tockin` working all around the block! GO HOUSE!`` The lilting synthesizer line pumps through the speakers to dancefloor and and it hit Baron, ``Zat is KRAFTWERK!`` Baron was brought into the dual realm of his homeland and this new place and he felt doubly enriched and powerful. Jennifer felt his power and found it irresistible. She ran her fingers across his muscular chest and squeezed his bicepts. Baron ran his fingers through her hair and made love to her with his wild stare and wild dance moves. Jennifer thought to herself, ``I am your goddess and you are my savage beast. Everything you want, I have. Everything I want you have. Not today. Not tomorrow. One day, we`re both gonna get what we need.``

 

``I vill GO HOUSE! SHAKE IT! You go, mein sveet mama. ROCK!``

 

- When did Kurt Angle start throwing good punches? Big Show takes a pussed out bump but Shelton Benjamin is looking more like a future superworker every week as he gives Angle the business. Big Show takes a chairshot like a champ. They come back to some lowgrade brawling which gets higher grade as they get into the stands- as Angle bumps like Cactus Jack but with a real offense. Big Show comes in and it goes to hell. Big Show doesn`t nearly beat the hell out of Zack Gowan enough. The ending was fun and goofy enough and wasn`t like last weeks, which is more than what I was expecting. Perfectly fine.

 

- Eddy comes out in the FABULOUS Coupe DeVille and we all weep together as men who love a great American car. Billy Gunn comes out with hydraulically enhanced titties of Torrie. Eddy should fuck her shit up for touching his car. Billy hits a nice Powerslam and then does a half-assed DBS delayed suplex. Eddy brings out the CRAVATE~! and I remember why I love Eddy Guerrerro again. Billy does the old school side suplex as a counter. Taz blows a load watching Torrie`s fake titties bounce up and down as she tries to get the crowd behind Billy`s comeback. Billy does the worst cross body block I`ve ever seen, to set up Eddy`s missile dropkick. Billy - Oops, Brian Valz is on the phone to tell me who he slept with last night. WOW! Big as my head?!?! NO WAY! With a turkey baster?!? WOW!- Eddy cheats to win and we will all enjoy Chris Benoit vs Eddy Guerrerro for the US Title. Yes, we will.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- I`m not digging Cena rambling at length as he pees on the dead, but I am weirdly looking forward to UT vs Cena to see if this bizarre hot streak by UT can make Cena vs UT good. Cena`s gimmick is wearing thin. He should just now be a non-rhyming punk bastard. It would be less tedious.

 

- Vince comes out to push the Zack Gowan vs Meng match and- in the process- he tries to make Sable out to be a vixen. HA! I`ve seen vixens in my life- Mayumi Ozaki, Chrissie Hynde, my sophomore year in college girlfriend- believe me, IIIII know vixen. I have scratches on my back from a redhead in 1991. Sable is a vacuumed out soccer mom with no ass. That ain`t a vixen, grampa. I mean sure, I`d still fuck her after a couple Magnum malt liquor and Old Crow boilermakers. I`m sure she is stoked at the prospect of my tender guiding hand taking her to the orgasmic promised land. The bliss, the tenderness, the apologies... Cena comes out and sucks Vince`s dick and that was pretty neat. OH DURN! It`s the Undertaker! He`s on a Harley like a Omaha accounts executive on the weekend! HE IS A BADASS! HIS HATS ON BACKWARDS LIKE SYLVESTER STALLONE IN ``OVER THE TOP``!!! Cena is no match for that kind of bad assedness. He bales out of the ring and feigns shivering in an unconvincing manner.

 

- Rhyno! One can only hope that the Sean O`Haire push continues to slide into a Bob Holly level of 1989 Tito Santana-ness. OH FUCK! THE APA! They distribute some flyers to the 2003 Bradshaw Invitational Inter-Anal Heinie Exams! You think maybe that that would be all- we would continue with the comical punches of O`Haire and the manly bumping of Rhyno. Instead.... the forearms- the horrible, unforgiving forearms. The forearms that begin clubbing.....

 

- I went to get a freezy pop and when I got back, Sally Kellerman and Bobcat Goldthwait are having a fight at the buffet. Jesus, Sally Kellerman really let herself go. And she didn`t have those fake boobies in BACK TO SCHOOL. What the fuck?

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

If you're wrestling Zach Gowen, wouldn't it be fairly obvious to work the leg? I mean, what's he gonna do after that? Nibble your bum?

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

DEAN, how does it feel to be one of the select few who get mentioned in Skeiths Smarkdown Rant??

 

"Dean’s gonna LOVE this match! "

 

.... Unless he was talking about Dean Malenko...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Oh shit! Lemme go read that.

 

And the problem with working Zack's leg is that half of the classic submissions can't be applied. THANK ABOUT IT, PEOPLE!

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN, you KNOW you wanna see Ric Flair vs. Zack Gowen...I know you want to...it's GREAT BECAUSE FLAIR WORKS THE LEG...SEE! Oh...and OZ is a fuckin fox and a half.

 

And bless you for the weekly Bradshaw anal rapage joke...I await the 6-man bathroom tag to occur shortly...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN, you KNOW you wanna see Ric Flair vs. Zack Gowen...I know you want to...it's GREAT BECAUSE FLAIR WORKS THE LEG...SEE! Oh...and OZ is a fuckin fox and a half.

 

And bless you for the weekly Bradshaw anal rapage joke...I await the 6-man bathroom tag to occur shortly...

I DEEPLY don't want to know what the hot tag involves.

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

All I know is that there is a cigar...that is all I know...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I'm assuming some flavor of Dannon yogurt is also involved, but who could be sure?

 

DEAN.

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

Dean, you have become a part of my Smackdown watching experience. From the first note of Kidman's "music" the first thing I thought was, "Well, Dean's taking a nap". Then Rey came out and all was right with the world.

 

BTW, will the image of Sally and Bobcat rolling around in the ring "wrestling" be enough to send you into convulsions akin to an epilipetic staring at one of those flickering rave lights, or will Torrie have to wander out there?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Can't forget the pool sticks, either...

 

Hey...so you think Ultimo walked out during his entrance and thought, "Why am I wrestling for two minutes in front of a bunch of foreigners?"

[Guest BrokenWings]

I'm so depressed in the fact that over his last two matches COMBINED, Ultimo Dragon has gotten just over 6:00, while Billy Gunn received 8:28 in his match tonight.

 

Where's the justice?!

[Guest Mindless_Aggression]

Now as mentioned, half of the leg submissions don't work on Zack but correct me if I'm wrong, couldn't say an Eddy G figure dropkick his knee into some powdery substance which could then be snorted if so desired?

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

HE IS A BADASS! HIS HATS ON BACKWARDS LIKE SYLVESTER STALLONE IN ``OVER THE TOP``!!!

UT needs to start coming to the ring to Sammy Hagar now.

 

Wasn't "Where Eagles Fly" on that soundtrack?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Now as mentioned, half of the leg submissions don't work on Zack but correct me if I'm wrong, couldn't say an Eddy G figure dropkick his knee into some powdery substance which could then be snorted if so desired?

Well sure, but the Figure-Four, Scorpion Deathlock, Indian Deathlock, STF, Regal Stretch, and the Nagata Lock won't work. And the Spinning Toehold would be greatly diminished! And the Lasso From El Paso would only work if Zack fucks it up like Billy did.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

I'd like to see a nub-centric submission hold.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

HE IS A BADASS! HIS HATS ON BACKWARDS LIKE SYLVESTER STALLONE IN ``OVER THE TOP``!!!

UT needs to start coming to the ring to Sammy Hagar now.

 

Wasn't "Where Eagles Fly" on that soundtrack?

DR: He should come out to "Your Love Is Driving Me Crazy" or maybe "Three Lock Box". Guys who were 15 in 1981 would suddenly latch onto the UT as a BEACON to their lost youth.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I'd like to see a nub-centric submission hold.

Now that's just wrong. Nubs are for Sable and Stephanie to rub their cooters on.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

When you're right, you're right.

 

And you're right.