XPW EWR Diary (offshoot of WWA?)

Lightning Flik · August 13, 2003

Vacate the belt, put it on Dupree...

And bring in his new challenger...Doug "the Dingo Killer" Williams!

BRITAIN VS. AUSTRALIA, THE STRUGGLE FOR INDEPENDENCE THAT NEVER HAPPENED!

...would it be a bad thing to say I would actually pay for that match?

Zack Malibu · August 13, 2003

Not when it goes into my pocket, heh.

Lightning Flik · August 13, 2003

Oh. That's good.

August 15, 2003

Bring in about five out of the 15,000,000 Special K members from ROH as Marty's posse.

Zack Malibu · August 16, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for October 27, 2003

WHORE'S MEN COME IN HANDY(CAP) MATCH:

Kaos vs GQ Smooth and Lance Silva.

Match Background: This will be a 2 on 1 handicap bout. Kaos has been feuding with Steve Bradley recently, who is a stable mate of Smooth in Four Whore's Men.

The Match: Lance Silva kicks the leg, knocks Kaos down, and goes to work on it. Kaos takes a knee lift from Smooth. *sigh* Running knee lifts always remind me of the late Curt Hennig. GQ Smooth scoops up Kaos. Silva bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on Kaos. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, Bloody Hell! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Silva \ Smooth whip Kaos into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Kaos charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Super kick by Kaos. Pin, but Smooth is out just before the three count. Kaos drops an elbow...but Lance Silva moves out of the way. Second rope flying axe handle, Kaos goes down. One day, Silva might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Silva \ Smooth whip Kaos into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. There's a two count on the pin. Kaos pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Vicious kick to the teeth from Kaos. Steve Bradley comes running down the aisle with a chair! Smooth goes to irish whip Kaos into the ropes. Bradley jumps onto the apron with the chair...but Kaos reverses! Collision between Bradley, Smooth, and the chair! GQ Smooth staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over!

My Opinion: Hmm. Only gets * from me.

Kaos gets his leg worked on right off the bat, but makes his comebacks with superkicks, mulekicks, kickstands, kickbacks, so on and so forth. This guy couldn't sell Amway, but hey, he's my main star. That makes me realize what a sad world XPW fans live in.

OVERALL:56 (39,73)

Crocodile Dupree sits in the back, polishing his TV Title by spewing tobacco on it and rubbing it off with his shirt. Apparently he's giving it a manly vibe, because all Australians are strict heterosexuals. This coming from the guy who teamed with Sylvain "will open ass for push" Grenier. Dupree mentions that Chris Hero will be nobody's hero, at least not for 16 months (curse you Adam Ryland!), so tonight, he's using the soul brother like no other Rudy Ray Smith as a stepping stone to greatness. Apparently he didn't read the fine print on his contract, because there is nothing great about being in XPW. Ask London. Just make sure to take the gag off his mouth so he can talk.

OVERALL:58%. Crocodile Dupree debuted his new (outback) gimmick. Not to a positive or negative response. His debut was just met with complete and total apathy. Kind of like every edition of RAW lately.

THE AMAZING RACE WAR

Crocodile Dupree vs Rudy Ray Smith.

Match Background: This match is for the XPW Television title. Crocodile Dupree has been XPW Television champion since 19 October 2003.

The Match: Rudy Ray is a glutton for punishment and just continues to take it during this match. Rudy Ray counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Rudy Ray Smith hits Croc. The ref is bumped, as goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. Rudy Ray Smith scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Cover, but there's no one to count for Rudy Ray Smith! Croc reverses a waistlock. Croc slams Rudy Ray Smith down and motions to the crowd. Spear by Crocodile Dupree. Hooks the leg for a two count. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Crocodile Dupree just KILLS Rudy Ray Smith! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Rudy Ray kicks Crocodile Dupree in the gut to reverse the momentum. Weak bodyslam by Rudy Ray. Pin, but Croc is out just before the three count. Croc backdrops Rudy Ray Smith out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Crocodile Dupree. Crocodile Dupree floors Rudy Ray Smith. Here it comes...Croc Lock! Rudy Ray Smith taps!

My Opinion: Sadly, a 1\2* match.

Apparently Dames needs to be hired by Miss Cleo , since he seemed to know that Rudy Ray was a glutton for punishment right off the bat. Too bad Rudy was the one on offense for 75% of the match. It's called suspense, Dames. I'm not saying XPW is Hitchcockian or anything, but throw me a frickin' bone here!

OVERALL:59 (59, 60). The XPW TV Title has gained in image. Crocodile Dupree is losing overness from his weak gimmick.

Backstage, Zack Sommers and Sly Slater are trying to get a signal on the XPW monitor (re: UHF TV with a cracked screen that someone found outside the arena). It's not cable ready, so now there's no way they can catch any of the 500 Saved By The Bell reruns on TBS today. Konrad happens by, and mentions that he's got quite a few of them teenage tapes in his truck outside. Eh, those aren't the kind of tapes they want, Konrad. "Nah, it's all them shows from NBC, like The New Dreams or City Time...real good stuff ya know." The TSE are onto him...there were no New Dreams! Well, there woulda been had NBC not sold out to the Discovery Channel...WAITAMINUTE! Dunn and Marcos attack from behind, and lay out Zack and Sly, then stand above them and do the air guitar taunt, complete with badly overdubbed sound effects. Konrad high fives his boys on a job well done, and the three of them go off in search of the lost Cinderella bootlegs.

OVERALL:57%. Everyone gained overness in this segment, somehow.

THE MAIM EVENT:

Marty Jannetty vs Steve Bradley.

Match Background: This will be a ladder bout. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Steve Bradley has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 20 October 2003.

The Match: Steve Bradley hits some punches. How generic. Bradley rams Jannetty into the ladder. Fallaway slam by Steve Bradley puts down Marty Jannetty. BAAACK Body drop by Jannetty gets a bit of a pop from the crowd. Marty Jannetty once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Marty Jannetty dives off the middle of the ladder with a clothesline that connects. Super kick by Marty Jannetty. Bradley ducks a wild right hand. Jannetty walks into a side slam. Think about how much talent it takes to side slam someone. Nash can do it. Spear! Jannetty is down! Steve Bradley misses a clothesline. STIFF high kick on Bradley by Marty Jannetty. Jannetty walks into a drop toe hold. Rude Awakening neckbreaker on Marty Jannetty by Bradley. Remember when that was a legit finish? Steve Bradley moves in for the kill. Roll The Dice! Steve Bradley sets the ladder up and climbs it, grabbing the prize for the victory. Kaos comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Kaos slams Bradley down. Kaos climbs to the top rope and hits the Kaostrify! Steve Bradley has been left down on the canvas.

My Opinion: *1/4 rating. Don't be upset. There are people in third world countries who can barely afford one star, let alone one and a quarter.

Don't mention XPW in the same breath as third world countries. Do you think all the stars of Facial Harmony have their green cards? The Kaos/Bradley feud drags on, and apparently Bradley sees the end drawing near, as he PM'd me to work with someone else soon. Know what he said? "How about putting me against someone like Avenging Disco Angel, since we both have similar styles." Either Bradley has finally (and rightfully) been turned off by Lizzy's skanktacular self, or Angel's living a lie. Hey, if you've gotta pretend to be gay to save yourself, so be it. It worked for Jack Tripper. It was also much more funnier. At least intentionally.

OVERALL:63 (57,69). The KODM Title gained in overness.

OVERALL:57%.

.14 rating

336 people

$6720

So despite holding a large event (and not a PPV, thus robbing me of revenue) and signing a few written contracts, I still managed to turn a profit this month, allowing me to continue on with this diary at least another month for your reading enjoyment.

Abyss turned 28. His underwear turned 9.

Zack Malibu · August 16, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for November 3rd, 2003

We open the show with another edition of The C-Breeze, and Jonny C.'s guest tonight is the XPW Television Champion, Crocodile Dundee. Dupree continues to berate the injured Chris Hero, taking claim for the knee injury (when in reality it was an odd series of events concerning a banana peel, an oil slick, and Tonya Harding) and says that Hero can no longer stand up for his country. Just then, a loud "HOOOOOO" echoes through the arena, but C and Dupree pay no mind, they figure it's just someone calling out Lizzy Borden. What they don't realize is that HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN is on the scene, running into the ring with his trusty 2X4 and scaring off both the host and the champ. Dupree swipes the 2X4 out of his hand when Duggan goes to nail Jonny C., but Duggan nails a few punches and takes it back. Now he and Big Poppa Popick have something in common...they've both saved the board!

OVERALL:66%. The fans were confused by Dupree's gimmick change (Outbacker was called weak, so I changed it to Anti-USA). Jonny C., the king of charisma apparently, gained overness from this segment.

While order is restored in the ring, Mary Beth Kapowski and the Teen Show Express. They have words for the Ring Crew Express and Konrad, talking about how this feud has been going on long enough. Eh, Sophie doesn't think so guys, so we need to stretch it out a bit more. Zack and Sly stop dead in their tracks, shrug to each other, and then run off camera to put sugar in Konrad's gas tank and have Mary Beth pretend to like Dunn and Marcos so they feud with themselves over her. Who says there's nothing educational on TV these days?

OVERALL:67%. Mary Beth Kapowski and Sly Slater gained overness from this segment.

IT'S THE LAND OF THE FREE, WHICH MEANS YOU CAN CHANGE THE CHANNEL:

Crocodile Dupree vs Jim Duggan.

Match Background: Duggan is making his debut at this show. He is a regular with FLI. This match is for the XPW Television title. Crocodile Dupree has been XPW Television champion since 19 October 2003.

The Match: Duggan is a glutton for punishment and just continues to take it during this match. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Crocodile Dupree ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Crocodile Dupree connects with rights and lefts and Jim Duggan is down! Hooks the leg for a two count. Crocodile Dupree with a spinning neckbreaker on Duggan. There's a two count on the pin. Duggan blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Jim Duggan hits some weak-looking punches in the corner, but Crocodile Dupree is able to block them and return the favor in spades. Covers for a quick two count. Messed up bodyslam by Duggan almost kills Croc. Crocodile Dupree comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Death valley driver (not to be confused with the DVD 500) by Crocodile Dupree connects and Jim Duggan is down! Jim Duggan slugs Crocodile Dupree, sending him down into the corner. While Duggan fires up the crowd, Croc is removing the turnbuckle pad! Jim Duggan comes over...but Croc grabs him by the tights and uses the leverage to slingshot Jim Duggan face first into the exposed steel turnbuckle! Crocodile Dupree rolls up the stunned Jim Duggan: 1....2...3! How did the referee not see that? Jim Duggan offers a handshake to Croc...and he accepts it! No! Crocodile Dupree levels Duggan with a cheap shot right hand! Crocodile Dupree spins Duggan around. Crocodile Dupree hits the Crocodile Rock! Jim Duggan has been floored after the match.

My Opinion: A DUD here would have actually been generous! -*

Dames and his foreshadowing again. There's also something ironic about the French-Stralian channelling the spirit of the Lamest American Hero the wrestling world ever saw. Also, how does Duggan remain over as a face in FLI, a pro-French Canadian federation? Then again, how does Paul London remain over in my company full of shitty workers and oddly entertaining gimmicks.

Should I be happy that this was my first negative star match. You could make the case that for all the negative star matches he has, Crocodile Dupree will remove one from an American flag so that he gains heat. Eh, I'd just rather let the bad matches come to me...it's no fun when you have to try for 'em.

OVERALL:52 (65, 44). This apparently killed the crowd, or I've got that damn "Ratings are higher than the overall" bug that never gets fixed. Ryland...::shakes fist::

We now take you to a video showcasing the Kaos/Bradley feu...wait, what's wrong with the feed. Why is Lizzy Borden on all fours and Steve Bradley in a dog catcher's uniform? Guess she takes that bitch thing literally. Anyways the hack production crew finally realizes what's going on and cut the feed, but not after they see some full frontal. For God's sakes guys, throw her a quarter and you can touch them, too.

OVERALL:51%

FINALLY THE FINISH TO THE FIRST FEUD IN THE FED (say it three times fast)

Kaos vs Steve Bradley.

Match Background: This will be a first blood bout. Kaos and Bradley have been feuding for quite some time now. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Steve Bradley has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 20 October 2003.

The Match: Spinebuster by Steve Bradley. Kaos reverses a hip toss. Kaos just WAFFLES Bradley with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Second rope flying axe handle, Bradley goes down. One day, Kaos might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Kaos uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Bradley reverses a waistlock. Full nelson slam on Kaos. Spear! Kaos is down! Steve Bradley with a spinning neckbreaker on Kaos. Steve Bradley gets taken down out of nowhere! Implant DDT by Kaos! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Diamond Dust from Kaos and Bradley is out! Kaos picks up a lead pipe. Steve Bradley turns around...and gets smashed over the head with it! The referee sees blood, and this match is over! Kaos goes into the crowd, where he celebrates his victory

My Opinion: Usually, this is designated for good matches that were usually way too short for some reason. What's your excuse? *3/4

ONE weapon shot in a first blood match. Bradley didn't even try. Could have been worn out from his extracurricular activities, or maybe being forced to earn his red wings with Lizzy has scarred him from ever wanting to see another person bleed. I knew I was going to make that joke, which is why we handed out vomit bags at the door tonight. Who says we don't care about our fans?

OVERALL:61 (63, 74). Both men gained overness from this feud ending. The KODM Title has gained in image.

SHOW OVERALL:59%

.13 Rating

322 people, 257 of whom puked after the red wings comment. The remaining ones thought I was talking hockey.

$6440 in ticket sales

Zack Malibu · August 16, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for November 10, 2003

Head Bitch Lizzy Borden is sitting in her office, going over tonight's booking napkin. She's got a special treat for the fans, and for once it doesn't involve a striptease and a game of Hide The Salami. No, tonight will mark the debut of a former WWF Tag Team, two men who will help elevate the tag ranks of XPW. So basically, she just gave the same schpiel that every two-bit indy promoter gives when they hire anyone with a WWF/E past. Remember, she's been giving the mega-push to Steve Bradley (and vice versa). Actually, don't. Anyhow, this team has LEGIONS of fans, and anyone who stands in their way are DOOMED, especially the World Tag Team Champions, the Ring Crew Express, who defend the belts against them NEXT!

OVERALL:33%. We probably should have resorted to the striptease.

SINCE WHEN DO THE ROAD WARRIORS WEAR YAMAKAS MATCH FOR THE XPW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:

Ring Crew Express vs Horowitz and Hakushi.

Match Background: Horowitz is making his debut at this show. Shinzaki is making his debut at this show. Horowitz and Shinzaki are teaming up as Horowitz and Hakushi for the first time tonight. This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles. Ring Crew Express have been XPW Tag Team champions since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Dunn hits a rolling kick on Shinzaki. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Shinzaki is down! There's a two count on the pin. Dunn tags out to Marcos. Ring Crew Express whip Shinzaki into the corner. Marcos whips Dunn in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Marcos hits an arm drag on Shinzaki, follows it up with about 3 more and locks in an armbar for good measure. Hooks the leg for a two count. Marcos snapmares Jinsei Shinzaki and goes for the DREADED chinlock. Jinsei Shinzaki powers out of a Marcos headlock. Tor-NADO DDT from Jinsei Shinzaki, Marcos got planted! Tag between Jinsei Shinzaki and Barry Horowitz. Big forearm by Horowitz draws laughter from the crowd because it was THAT bad. Barry Horowitz hits a bulldog off the ropes. Marcos fights out of a grapple. Tag to Dunn. Lightning kick by Dunn on Horowitz. Tiger suplex on Horowitz. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, Bloody Hell! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Horowitz goes down. Barry Horowitz once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. BIG clothesline from Horowitz. 'BIG' because it missed by a mile! Teen Show Express come running down the aisle with chairs! Horowitz whips Dunn into the ropes. Sly jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Sly, Dunn, and the chair! Dunn falls to the canvas. Barry Horowitz moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Dropkick. 1....2...3, it's finished. Horowitz and Hakushi remain in the ring, celebrating their victory.

My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD

Waste of time? That match introduced the original Odd Couple themselves! Remember the episode of Superstars when Horowitz tried to get Hakushi to try motza ball soup? Yeah, me neither. The TSE cost their rivals the tag titles, but in turn screwed themselves out of the next shot. Much like their teen show brothren, a lesson is to be learned from this, and all three hug, as a canned "awww" plays over the scene in the ring.

OVERALL:50 (51, 51). No one said our ratings staff were math majors.

Crocodile Dupree comes to to "Crocodile Rock", since the WWA? kept the rights to "Land Down Under". Nothing wrong with being an Elton John fan, says he. Dupree again mocks the injured Chris Hero, and also verbally berates "Hack Job" Jim Duggan for not being able to get it done in the ring anymore. From what his wife says, that's not the only place he can't get it done. Dupree issues a challenge to any other Americans foolish enough to take him up on it, when a bastardized version of "Medal" cues up...OMG IT CAN'T BE, HOW ON EARTH DID THEY GET HIM?

Eric Angle!

Fresh off a run of using his "name value" he's apparently done so again, this time getting a run with XPW. Angle charges the ring, and IT'S ON. How can be it on though? What if these guys have an off night? These are the things I think about when I'm on the john and the power goes out.

OVERALL:61%

XENOPHOBIA RUNNIN' WILD:

Crocodile Dupree vs Eric Angle.

Match Background: Eric is making his debut at this show. This match is for the XPW Television title. Crocodile Dupree has been XPW Television champion since 19 October 2003.

The Match: Crocodile Dupree hits some punches. How generic. Croc hits a right hand. BAAACK Body drop by Eric gets a bit of a pop from the crowd. Bodyslam by Croc. Eric Angle reverses a hip toss. Weak bodyslam on Croc by Eric sets up a legdrop. Eric Angle hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Covers for a quick two count. Croc reverses a waistlock. Croc hits a piledriver on Eric Angle. That used to end matches, you know. Hooks the leg for a two count. Massive lariat! Stan Hansen would approve. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Eric counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Eric suplexes Croc to the canvas and picks the opponent back up again. Crocodile Dupree once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Bodyslam by Croc. Eric Angle gets knocked to the ground by Croc. Eric Angle gets locked in the Croc Lock! Submission victory! Eric Angle leaves and walks back down the aisle. Wait...Crocodile Dupree comes running as well, and Eric gets dropped with a clothesline, followed by a load of stomps. He is left lying in the aisle.

My Opinion: Nothing special...nothing special at all. *1/4.

Pssh, I'm starting to think Dames' reviews are what's generic. I should get George Foreman to review these slugfests, and then we'll see how generic the punches are. Dupree gets another big win over another major (?) American star, and goes back to eating his Bloomin' Onions and drinking his Fosters. Well, the ones Marty Jannetty hasn't stolen.

OVERALL:64 (59,70). The XPW TV Title gained in overness.

THE CAGE IS MORE OF A PRECAUTION IN THIS MATCH:

Kaos and Paul London vs Steve Bradley and Abyss.

Match Background: This will be a cage bout. Paul London is the reigning XPW World champion, and has been since 28 September 2003. Kaos is the reigning XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion, and has been since 03 November 2003.

The Match: London hits a dropkick on Abyss and gets right back up. Kaos charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Steve Bradley throws Kaos into the cage. Abyss counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Bradley \ Abyss whip London into the corner. Steve Bradley whips Abyss in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Abyss is down! Spin kick by Kaos to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. London \ Kaos whip Bradley into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Paul London launches Abyss into the cage wall. Paul London has Abyss down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - London Calling hit hard. Kaos floors Steve Bradley...and climbs the turnbuckles. Through the air, Kaostrify! London \ Kaos escape the cage for the win. Air Paris comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! London turns...and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! Air Paris has left London down and bloodied.

My Opinion: All you deserve for this is *. That DOESN'T mean that you're a deputy or a cop or whatever.

Know how most cage matches are designed to keep people out? This one was designed to keep people in. London is still being held against his will, and you'd figure a fan would catch onto the fact that he's a hostage (a hostage with a written contract, the World Title and a main event push), but a hostage nonetheless. Anyways, London wasn't escaping for the benefit of winning as you'd imagine, but was stopped in his tracks by Air Paris, fresh off the unemployment line and now in XPW! What's his beef with London? I'm not quite sure, but I'll make something up. Air Paris...hmm...disgruntled airline pilot? French sneaker distributor...ah hell I'll think of something.

OVERALL:63 (60,67).

55%. That Lizzy segment is what brought us down (as opposed to Lizzy being brought down during her segments).

.14 rating

340 people

$6800 tickets

KingPK · August 16, 2003

322 people, 257 of whom puked after the red wings comment. The remaining ones thought I was talking hockey.

Sig worthy right there.

Zack Malibu · August 17, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for November 17, 2003

EXPRESSED INTEREST IN ENDING THIS FEUD ONCE AND FOR ALL:

Ring Crew Express vs Teen Show Express.

Match Background: This will be a cage bout. This is a continuation of the Teen Show Express vs Ring Crew Express feud.

The Match: Zack Sommers connects with a back heel kick on Marcos and gets back up quickly. Sly walks into a high dropkick from Dunn, almost losing several teeth in the process. Flying elbow from Zack Sommers connects. Sly Slater reverses a hip toss. Back heel kick from Sly on Dunn. Teen Show Express whip Marcos into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Super kick by Zack Sommers. Sly climbs the cage...but Dunn is in hot pursuit, and they both end up back on the canvas. Marcos avoids a Zack Sommers avalanche by getting out of the damn way! Marcos drives Zack into the cage side. Ring Crew Express whip Sly into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Spin kick by Dunn to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Zack pushes out of a Marcos hold. Zack Sommers drives Dunn into the cage side. Dunn can barely stand. Hang Over!!! That shook the ring. Marcos is in trouble. Kazstrator! Teen Show Express escape the cage for the win. Teen Show Express remain in the ring, celebrating their victory.

My Opinion: If it weren't for two great moments in this match, it would have gotten a DUD. Either way, all its getting from me is a 1\2*.

Uh, they climbed the cage for the victory, but remained in the ring for the win? We barely have any production value, let alone the special effects to pull that off. A lot of people may wonder why I had a cage match as the main event last week, and a cage match as the opener this week, and the answer to that is simple: the ring crew (not to be confused with the Ring Crew Express) were too damn lazy to take it down. Convienient, no?

OVERALL:54 (46, 63). Everyone gained overness from this feud ending.

Crocodile Dupree is walking backstage, when he hears footsteps behind him. He continues walking, and continues to hear footsteps. Too bad he left that Men At Work CD back at the WWA?, because "Who Can It Be Now" is an apporpriate song for this moment.

OVERALL:67%. Crocodile Dupree gained overness from this segment.

Backstage, Silva Smooth (Whore's Men members Lance Silva and GQ Smooth) approach the new XPW World Tag Team Champions, Barry Horowitz and Hakushi. Silva Smooth are looking for titles to go around their waists, and are willing to go through a great tag team to get to them. OK, so what do great tag teams have to do with Horowitz and Hakushi? Barry says that they're open for anything (might not be the best thing to say to the henchman of Lizzy Borden there, Bar) and that at XPW Stuffed, they'll give Silva Smooth the first title shot.

OVERALL:56%. Everyone gained overness. Hakushi debuted his martial arts gimmick to a positive response. Horowitz debuted his old school face gimmick to a negative response. I told Adam to put "Jewish jobber", but nooo, he wouldn't hear of it.

BABYFACES OF DEATH:

Kaos vs Marty Jannetty.

Match Background: This will be a texas death bout. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Kaos has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 03 November 2003.

The Match: Kaos just WAFFLES Jannetty with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Kaos sets up a chair, then bounces off it to hit a flying avalanche into the corner. VERY Sabu-like. Kaos hits a rolling kick on Jannetty. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Kaos hits a dropkick on Marty Jannetty and gets right back up. Kaos goes for a splash but Jannetty puts the knees up. Marty Jannetty sets up a chair, then bounces off it to hit a flying avalanche into the corner. VERY Sabu-like. Flying reverse elbow by Marty Jannetty. ONE...TWO...THREE. Jannetty defeats Kaos. The referee gets to a five count....and Kaos gets back up. Jannetty walks into a drop toe hold. Kaos crushes Jannetty with a huge legdrop. Cover gets three for Kaos, Jannetty got pinned. The referee is counting: 5....6....Marty Jannetty is back up. Power drive elbow by Kaos. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Cover gets three for Kaos, Jannetty got pinned. The referee is counting: 7....8....Marty Jannetty is back up. Kaos charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Marty Jannetty strikes Kaos. Kaos once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Kaos hits a dropkick on Marty Jannetty and gets right back up. Kaos floors Marty Jannetty...and climbs the turnbuckles. Kaostrify!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. The referee counts to 10, this match is over! Kaos extends his hand to Jannetty...and it is accepted! They shake!

My Opinion: A wise man once said 'Can I get a side of bland with that bland'. He's dead now, though. That's what this match was...bland. **

A Texas Death match, and the only weapon that came into play was the chair used in the Sabu impersonation. Kaos and Jannetty shake hands afterwards, despite having just competed in a Death Match. XPW: Home of handshakes after attempted homicides.

OVERALL:65 (52, 79) KODM Title gains in overness.

FILLING THE WORKRATE QUOTA:

Paul London vs Air Paris.

Match Background: London and Paris have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. This match is for the XPW World title. Paul London has been XPW World champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Paris goes down. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Paris goes down. London hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. There's a two count on the pin. Spin kick by Paul London to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Hooks the leg for a two count. Paul London misses a clothesline. Paris just WAFFLES London with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Covers for a quick two count. Paris crushes London with a huge legdrop. Paul London is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Tiger suplex on Paris. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, dammit. The referee watches as the two wrestlers go to the outside and start brawling around ringside. He completes a ten count, and they are still outside, having ignored the count. This match is over via double count out. The fight has started up again! Paul London attacks Paris, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting.

My Opinion: Solid bout, but they could do a lot better. ***

So remember how we were wondering why Air Paris attacked Paul London last week? I don't know why I didn't realize it before, but this feud'll write itself...Paris is jealous of London for stealing his schtick. HE wants to be the only independent worker with above average skill whose name is a European tourist attraction. I didn't say it'd be entertaining, but give me points for originality. Dames is right, these two can do a lot better, and will get that opportunity at XPW Stuffed.

OVERALL:74 (62, 86). The XPW World Title has gained in overness. Paris is losing heat due to his daredevil gimmick. He's got nothing on Ben Affleck.

XPW STUFFED PPV:

Title Match Two Weeks In The Making:

Paul London © vs. Air Paris

Hey, They're Better Than The Ding Dongs XPW Tag Team Title Match:

Barry Horowitz and Hakushi © vs. Silva Smooth (of the Four Whore's Men)

Don't Worry, It's Still A Mystery To Me Too I Quit Match For the XPW King of the DeathMatch Title:

Kaos vs. ???

Australian Open (Challenge, that is) for the XPW Television Title

Crocodile Dupree vs. ???

Plus, appearing in some capacity (which is the nice way of saying "I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with them yet"...Steve Bradley, The Teen Show Express, The Ring Crew Express, and all the other "stars" (note the quotations) of XPW~!

Zack Malibu · August 19, 2003

XPW STUFFED PPV

Why stuffed?

November PPV. Thanksgiving time. People are stuffed.

Tried to fit most people on the roster on this show. So the card is stuffed.

Lizzy Borden is a slut. Her orifices are typically stuffed.

Hosted by Jon Ian, Chris English

Before the show begins, we cut to the back, where Crocodile Dupree is being stalked. Again. In fact, this is the same exact segment from last week just with new added bonus footage of, well, nothing. Croc just kinda stood around after the stalker bit and picked his nose. That's actually probably the most sanitary thing that could happen backstage at an XPW show.

OVERALL:66%.

SOUNDS LIKE TWO JUNIOR HIGH KIDS FACING OFF:

Matt Cross vs Mikey Henderson.

Match Background: Miracle is making his debut at this show.

The Match: Spinning back kick from Matt Cross. Matt Cross kicks the leg, knocks Miracle down, and goes to work on it. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Implant DDT by Matt Cross! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Miracle powers out of a headlock. Flying elbow from Mikey Henderson connects. Miracle crushes Cross with a huge legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Matt Cross is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Cross crushes Miracle with a huge legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. DDT from the top rope by Matt Cross. That looked KILLER. Pin, but Miracle is out just before the three count. Mikey Henderson powers out of a Matt Cross headlock. Cross walks into a high dropkick from Mikey Henderson, almost losing several teeth in the process. Matt Cross comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Miracle takes a flying neckbreaker from Matt Cross. Mikey Henderson gets knocked to the ground by Cross, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - Leap of Faith, forget about it. 1....2...3! Alter Boy Matthew has a chair. Cross turns and takes a brutal shot to the head. Miracle is next to take a hard shot. Matthew has demolished everyone!

My Opinion: Usually, this is designated for good matches that were usually way too short for some reason. What's your excuse? *3/4

Where did Matthew come from? And why is he dressed like a female Avril Lavigne mark? Dames didn't seem to know either, and probably doesn't want to know. Looks like the loss of a God push has driven him over the edge. I'd make the requisite "he and Lizzy are both always on their knees" joke, but then people would get confused and think that he's gay, or that she's a saint. Neither is true. For now.

OVERALL:58 (34, 82). Mikey Henderson lost overness. Matt Cross gained overness.

THROWAWAY SIX MAN SO THESE GUYS WERE ON THE SHOW:

Zack Sommers, Sly Slater, and Marty Jannetty vs Abyss, Dunn, and Marcos.

Match Background: None.

The Match: STIFF high kick on Sly by Dunn. Spin kick by Dunn to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Dunn tags out to Abyss. Running knee lift from Abyss. Full nelson slam on Sly. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Abyss and Marcos. Abyss \ Marcos whip Sly into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Sly takes a hard, stinging chop from Marcos. One word: Ow. Sly Slater once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Sly Slater arm drags Marcos over and locks on an armbar. Tag to Zack Sommers. Second rope flying axe handle, Marcos goes down. One day, Zack might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Springboard dropkick from Zack Sommers. Nicely done. Pin, but Marcos is out just before the three count. Zack hits a dropkick on Marcos and gets right back up. Tag between Zack Sommers and Marty Jannetty. Jannetty hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Jannetty uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Marcos comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Tag to Dunn. Jannetty takes a flying neckbreaker from Dunn. Tag between Marty Jannetty and Sly Slater. Sly Slater strikes Dunn. Sly tries to channel the power of Kawada, but ends up channeling the power of Trish Stratus instead by hitting a high kick on Dunn. Dunn is in trouble. Kazstrator 2.0! 1....2....3.

My Opinion: I'll give it a *1\2 rating. Consider getting more stars to be the adventure of a lifetime. Get started.

Nah, the adventure of a lifetime in XPW would involve escaping Lizzy Borden as she chased you clad in nothing but a strap-on and weilding a vibrator not unlike the one George Kennedy picked up in Naked Gun 2 1/2. But I'm glad you liked the match Dames. Your check is in the mail, wink wink.

OVREALL:61 (49, 74).

Backstage, a limousine pulls up, and out steps Alicia. She tries to make one of those overly dramatic slow exits from the limo, but the valet jumps out of the drivers seat and yanks her out of the car. He's gotta get this limo back before those people finish dinner!

OVERALL:80% (DAMN!). Alicia gained overness from this segment.

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE TAG TITLE MATCH:

Horowitz and Hakushi vs Silva Smooth.

Match Background: Smooth and Silva are teaming up as Silva Smooth for the first time tonight. Horowitz and Hakushi and Silva Smooth are currently feuding. Neither team holds an in-ring victory since the feud started. This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles. Horowitz and Hakushi have been XPW Tag Team champions since 10 November 2003.

The Match: Jinsei Shinzaki strikes Silva. Jinsei Shinzaki hits a rolling kick on Silva. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Covers for a quick two count. Tag to Barry Horowitz. Horowitz and Hakushi whip Silva into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. A powerslam so weak, my grandmother could have performed it, is actually pulled off by Horowitz on Silva. Horowitz charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Silva tags out to GQ Smooth. GQ Smooth uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Smooth hits a spinning back kick. All those spinning kicks look alike, don't they. Horowitz blocks a kick from GQ Smooth. A powerslam so weak, my grandmother could have performed it, is actually pulled off by Horowitz on Smooth. Tag to Jinsei Shinzaki. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Smooth goes down. Tag between GQ Smooth and Lance Silva. Shinzaki uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Lance Silva is in trouble. Goku-Raku Gatame!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Silva Smooth don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack Horowitz and Hakushi, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends.

My Opinion: -*. Somehow, you actually took AWAY from any enjoyment I could have had watching this.

NEGATIVE ONE STAR? NEGATIVE...how on earth? Save for Horowitz, everyone is an average/slightly above worker. Methinks Dames is just pissed that he's going down in history as the one man to get rejected by Lizzy Borden. Hell, she even made out with that Pat person from Saturday Night Live, and no one's sure what the hell that thing really is. The next day, I get a letter from Shinzaki that "this team with me and Barry has run it's course. How about breaking us up and giving us a solo run?" Give someone an inch, and they take a mile. My world is shattered.

OVERALL:44 (42, 47). The XPW World Tag Team Titles have gained in overness.

Backstage, Alicia would like to introduce her charge, SWINGER to the XPW ranks. Because one woman in power angle wasn't enough, you see. At least this one isn't a blatant whore. Yet.

OVERALL:81%. Alicia gained overness from this segment. (You go girl!)

DEBUT OF DEATH I QUIT MATCH FOR THE KING OF THE DEATHMATCH TITLE:

Kaos vs Swinger.

Match Background: This will be an I Quit bout. Swinger is making his debut at this show. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Kaos has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 03 November 2003.

The Match: Swinger crushes Kaos with a huge legdrop. Kaos is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Kaos just WAFFLES Swinger with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Kaos hits a rolling kick on Swinger. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Kaos uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Swinger pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Flying cross body off the top rope! Vicious kick to the teeth from Swinger. Swinger uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Kaos blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Flying elbow from Kaos connects. Tor-NADO DDT from Kaos, Swinger got planted! Steve Bradley comes running down the aisle with a chair! Swinger goes to irish whip Kaos into the ropes. Bradley prepares to swing the chair...but Kaos reverses! Bradley accidentally smacks Swinger with a chair to the back! Kaos floors Swinger and locks in a STF! The referee asks Swinger....and we have a submission! The match is over. Steve Bradley remains in the ring. Swinger pushes the referee away. Swinger spins Bradley around. Swinger hits the Swing Thing!

My Opinion: *1\2 rating is all it gets from me.

You thought that Swinger would quit cleanly on his first night in the company? Bradley's just becoming a fuckup, first by losing the feud to Kaos, and not exactly faring much better in revenging himself tonight. We went to school twice in that match. Dames should take a refresher course in Composition and get some new material already.

OVERALL:63 (54, 73). King of the Deathmatch Title gains overness.

THIS IS THE PRIDE OF AMERICA THIS WEEK FOR THE XPW TELEVISION TITLE:

Crocodile Dupree vs Bradshaw.

Match Background: Bradshaw is making his debut at this show. This match is for the XPW Television title. Crocodile Dupree has been XPW Television champion since 19 October 2003.

The Match: Croc slams Bradshaw. Crocodile Dupree hits some punches. How generic. Croc scoops and slams Bradshaw. What's the difference between a scoop slam and a body slam anyway? Covers for a quick two count. BAAACK Body drop by Bradshaw gets a bit of a pop from the crowd. Hooks the leg for a two count. Bradshaw once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Bradshaw strikes Crocodile Dupree. Covers for a quick two count. Bradshaw DDTs Croc, but it just looked terrible. Crocodile Dupree fights out of a grapple. Death valley driver (not to be confused with the DVD 500) by Crocodile Dupree connects and Bradshaw is down! Bradshaw can barely stand. Crocodile Rock!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Bradshaw leaves and walks back down the aisle. Wait...Crocodile Dupree comes running as well, and Bradshaw gets dropped with a clothesline, followed by a load of stomps. He is left lying in the aisle.

My Opinion: -*. Somehow, you actually took AWAY from any enjoyment I could have had watching this.

Another negative star match, but this time it's because Bradshaw pulled a bitchfit about doing the job, and decided to no-sell. Apparently being brought into a company where sodomy is welcome (and often encouraged!) wasn't enough. So down you go, Bradshaw. Hope you like turning tricks in your cowboy hat.

OVERALL:51 (57,40). Bradshaw lost overness from this match. Crocodile Dupree gained overness from this match. The XPW TV Title has gained in image.

THEIR NAMES ARE NATIONALISTIC, BUT THEIR GIMMICKS AREN'T MATCH FOR THE XPW WORLD TITLE:

Air Paris vs Paul London.

Match Background: London and Paris have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. This match is for the XPW World title. Paul London has been XPW World champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: London hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. SUPER frankensteiner on Paris, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Hooks the leg for a two count. Air Paris comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Air Paris kicks the leg, knocks London down, and goes to work on it. London takes a flying neckbreaker from Air Paris. SUPER frankensteiner on London, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! London takes a NICE hurrancarana from Air Paris. Paul London is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. London crushes Paris with a running senton. Flying cross body off the top rope! Paul London misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. The bell rings, and this match has come to a time limit draw.

My Opinion: I really shouldn't drink when I'm reviewing matches. Especially with Scotsman, I can't drink nearly as much, so I try too hard. It was either ** or ****, but I guess I'll have to compromise and say ***.

Of all the matches on the card, and he picks the lone above average one to drink during. Keith gave this five stars, but he was drunk too and swore he heard Jon Ian call London "Benoit" at several points. I'll take what I can get though.

OVERALL:74 (63, 86). Air Paris debuted his "Highlight Reel" gimmick to a positive response. The XPW World Title has gained in image.

XPW Stuffed did a .23 buyrate

$575000 in PPV revenue

$107520 in merchandise sales

3584 people attended, but wanted refunds when "Turkey" Lizzy Borden was not "plucked" in mid-ring as advertised. Suckers.

Zack Malibu · August 19, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for November 24th, 2003

The C-Breeze welcomes us to the show tonight, as Jonny C. wanted to know why Alter Boy Matthew, who was primed to be shoved down your throats like the love child of Rocky Maivia and Randy Orton in the WWA, ran in and attacked both Matt Cross and Mikey Henderson last night. Before he gets a response, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Matthew is in the ring...in drag? He's gone from an altar robe to fishnets, leather skirt, and a tank top, looking like Alexis Laree minus the breasts and with a close crop. Matthew lost his faith in everything when his God push ceased to be, and it affected him greatly. He's no longer Altar Boy Matthew, he's Altered Boy Matthew, and he's here to prove to the world that he is the alternative (lifestyle, that is).

OVERALL:47%. Altered Boy Matthew gained overness from this segment.

ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END:

Horowitz and Hakushi vs Silva Smooth vs Ring Crew Express vs Teen Show Express.

Match Background: This will be an elimination bout. Horowitz and Hakushi and Silva Smooth have been feuding recently. Silva Smooth have yet to beat their rivals in the ring since the feud began. This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles. Horowitz and Hakushi have been XPW Tag Team champions since 10 November 2003.

The Match: Smooth walks into a high dropkick from Dunn, almost losing several teeth in the process. Flying elbow from Dunn connects. Dunn tags out to Marcos. Marcos hits a short arm drag on Smooth. Covers for a quick two count. GQ Smooth is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Smooth tags out to Zack Sommers. Second rope flying axe handle, Marcos goes down. One day, Zack might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Zack crushes Marcos with a huge legdrop. Tag between Zack Sommers and Sly Slater. Teen Show Express whip Marcos into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. There's a two count on the pin. Marcos elbows Sly Slater in the face to break a hammerlock. Forearm to the face from Marcos on Sly. Marcos tags out to Jinsei Shinzaki. Shinzaki hits a dropkick on Sly Slater and gets right back up. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Sly Slater and Marcos. Marcos hits a back kick, doubling Shinzakiover. Shinzaki blocks a kick from Marcos. Shinzaki crushes Marcos with a huge legdrop. Cover gets three for Jinsei Shinzaki, Marcos got pinned. Spinning back kick from Lance Silva. DDT from the top rope by Lance Silva. That looked KILLER. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Tag to Zack Sommers. Spin kick by Zack Sommers to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Zack tags out to GQ Smooth. Smooth tries to channel the power of Kawada, but ends up channeling the power of Trish Stratus instead by hitting a high kick on Jinsei Shinzaki. GQ Smooth with an enziguri! HBK isn't moving...uh oh. Oh, sorry, I had a flashback to the last time I got fooled. ONE...TWO...THREE. Smooth defeats Shinzaki. Sly Slater with an enziguri. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! GQ Smooth takes a knee lift from Sly. *sigh* Running knee lifts always remind me of the late Curt Hennig. Smooth backdrops Sly Slater out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of GQ Smooth. Flying elbow from GQ Smooth, grazing the target slightly. Hooks the leg for a two count. Smooth tags out to Lance Silva. Silva Smooth whip Sly into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Flying elbow from Lance Silva connects. Sly Slater elbows Lance Silva in the face to break a hammerlock. Tag between Sly Slater and Zack Sommers. Flying reverse elbow by Zack Sommers. Power drive elbow by Zack Sommers. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. GQ Smooth can barely stand. Hang Over! 1....2....3.

So Dames bought an enzugiri and a double clothesline as finishers? "When Transition Moves Kill", next on FOX! Seriously though, Shinzaki's not up for the WWF Dream Team, so he and Horowitz are gonna make like a banana and split. I wish they would have been "A peeling" like a banana. Thank you, I'll be here all night, enjoy your steak.

OVERALL:55 (51, 74). The XPW Tag Team titles gained overness from this match. I lost my temper due to the FUCKING RATINGS BUG!

My Opinion: *1\2 rating is all it gets from me.

XPW cameras take us backstage to Alicia and Swinger, who have pointed out Steve Bradley as persona non grata due to his botched interference last night at the PPV. Alicia promises us that Bradley is going down. Little does she know that he is at this point, but that's a whole other situation in front of a whole different camera. Our only proof are the wolf-like howls coming from Lizzy's office.

OVERALL:71%.

MATCH UP OF WOMEN'S SHOES (aka A PAIR O' HEELS):

Steve Bradley vs Swinger.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Steve Bradley with a spinning neckbreaker on Swinger. Full nelson slam on Swinger. Hooks the leg for a two count. Bradley goes for a splash but Swinger puts the knees up. STIFF high kick on Bradley by Swinger. Swinger hits a rolling kick on Bradley. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Covers for a quick two count. Power drive elbow by Swinger. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Pin, but Bradley is out just before the three count. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Steve Bradley pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Big piledriver on Swinger. There's a two count on the pin. Spear! Swinger is down! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Bradley slams Swinger down and motions to the crowd. Steve Bradley connects with rights and lefts and Swinger is down! Swinger comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Flying elbow from Swinger connects. DDT from the top rope by Swinger. That looked KILLER. Swinger moves in for the kill. Swinger Stinger!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

My Opinion: Sadly, a 1\2* match.

Bradley winds up on his back again, and this time there is no fuck hungry porno skank bouncing on his love nub to make it worthwhile. Swinger has class, and after the match he takes Alicia to the nearest Subway and lets her order anything off the menu...as long as she pays for his meal, too. Hey, he's still a heel, we can't have him being chivalrous.

OVERALL:44% (33%, 66%). A fucking 33 CROWD REACTION? This was Steve Bradley and Johnny Swinger, people!!!

As if the wretched fan reaction for that match wasn't enough, they're now being conditioned to act sympathetic, because guess who's turning face? That's right, upon heading backstage for post-loss fellatio, Bradley gets taken from behind by Jonny C., while Lance Silva and GQ Smooth arrive to get their licks in. Those last two segments sounded really homoerotic, so I'll put it in better terms. Bradley gets triple-teamed by the remaining Whore's Men...I mean, all three guys have their way...ah, skip it. Bradley good. Whore's Men bad. All gain overness. Whee.

OVERALL:55%

SHOW OVERALL:54%

.13 rating

347 people

$6940 in ticket sales

As of the end of November, I'm currently at 24% PI. Hopefully this month, which should be chock full of debuts and new feuds will add to that image. Who knew making a porn affiliated company run by the master of animal cruelty would be this difficult?

August 20, 2003

You know, i hate to point out the obvious, but the Four Whore's Men need four members, so get a new leader

I suggest WCW Reject Reno, mainly because he has the exact same finish as Bradley, and you could feud them over it

Zack Malibu · August 20, 2003

Oh don't worry, I know exactly where this one is going. Stay tuned!

August 20, 2003

Oh I will, dont worry

Zack Malibu · August 23, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for December 1, 2003

ONE OF THESE GUYS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS TRIPLE THREAT MATCH:

Altered Boy Matthew vs Matt Cross vs Mikey Henderson.

Match Background: This will be an elimination bout.

The Match: Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Cross goes down. Matthew walks into a high dropkick from Mikey Henderson, almost losing several teeth in the process. Cross counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Cross crushes Miracle with a running senton. Flying reverse elbow by Matt Cross. There's a two count on the pin. DDT from the top rope by Mikey Henderson. That looked KILLER. Cover gets three for Mikey Henderson, Cross got pinned. Miracle just WAFFLES Matthew with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Spinning bulldog in the corner and Matthew is down! Covers for a quick two count. Altered Boy Matthew fights out of a grapple. Springboard dropkick from Altered Boy Matthew. Nicely done. Altered Boy Matthew has Mikey Henderson down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Top Rope Legdrop! 1....2....3.

My Opinion: All you deserve for this is *. That DOESN'T mean that you're a deputy or a cop or whatever.

Big win for Altered Boy Matthew to kick off his XPW push, as he wins over two talented individuals who could be onto bigger and better things. I like to call them "undercard filler".

OVERALL:54 (35, 74)

Why does XPW continue to show this same "Crocodile Dupree gets stalked" footage? Does anyone actually...hey wait, this is new...some guy just ran in and attacked Dupree, then squealed "Boogey Oogey Woogey" as he stood above him. So the stalker is Jimmy Valiant?

OVERALL:68%

Welcome to another edition of the C-Breeze, hosted by that King of Charisma, Jonny C. Jonny's guest this week is former partner in the Four Whore's Men Steve Bradley, who has something to say for Jonny, GQ Smooth and Lance Silva. He came here because he knows he and Jonny are friends, and Jonny would never, ever set him up. No, not at all. Steve apparently hasn't paid attention to the roster page, because he turned full on face last week. Not that you'd be able to tell by fan reactions (or lack thereof). Jonny taunts Bradley by waving a Poloraid of Lizzy spread eagle on an air mattress, leaving him prone to an attack by...Rodney Mack! Looks like Lizzy Borden has sacked the Mack, and he's out to play "big badass boyfriend who attacks the simpleton that used to go out with her". OK, I'm copying way too many storylines from PG-13 teen movies now.

OVERALL:59% Jonny C. gains overness, as expected.

Speaking of charisma, the lovely Alicia and Swinger are backstage, fixing their dress and zipping their pants, respectively. Did someone put aphrodisiac in the water cooler or something? Hey, it happened in one of those Vice Academy movies. Alicia has words for Kaos, and those words are "cephalothin", "fluocinolone", and "lammergeier". Go ahead, try and spell them, she dares you!

(Yes, I busted out a Webster's in order to do the previous segment. Anyone who debates the effort I put into these shows can bite my crank.)

OVERALL:81%. Alicia debuted her "Girl Power" gimmick to a positive response. I think the crowd thought that it means she's a lesbian, so that might be a mistake. Don't quote me on that.

DIG THAT CRAZY MAIN EVENT SCENE, MAN:

Kaos and Paul London vs Swinger and Air Paris.

Match Background: London and Paris have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Kaos and Swinger have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Paul London is the reigning XPW World champion, and has been since 28 September 2003. Kaos is the reigning XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion, and has been since 03 November 2003.

The Match: Implant DDT by Paul London! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Swinger takes a NICE hurrancarana from Paul London. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Paul London and Kaos. Kaos \ London hook up Swinger, then hit a double suplex. Kaos hits a rolling kick on Swinger. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Hooks the leg for a two count. STIFF high kick on Swinger by Kaos. Swinger kicks Kaos in the gut to reverse the momentum. Back heel kick off the second rope, Kaos goes down. Tag between Swinger and Air Paris. Flying elbow from Air Paris connects. Paris crushes Kaos with a running senton. Kaos backdrops Air Paris out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Kaos. Tag to Paul London. London crushes Paris with a running senton. Back heel kick off the second rope, Paris goes down. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Spinning back kick from Paul London. Paris powers out of a headlock. Flying cross body off the top rope! Paul London grabs Air Paris from behind and shoves him into the ropes, then scores with a roll-up...but Paris rolls through with the move! He is using the tights for leverage! 1....2...3! The referee didn't see it! Swinger \ Paris climb opposite turnbuckles, working the crowd as they celebrate their victory.

My Opinion: **1/4 rating for this one. Scott Keith may say that it's 'Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling', but not for me, buddy. Got to work harder to impress me.

I know I've got to work harder for you Dames. Keith's gimmick me nWo Nash flashbacks with all his "Buy the Book" nonsense. Onto important matters, Air Paris scores a victory over Paul London, and Paul's willing to hand the title over to him now and be on his merry way. Not so fast Paul, this was a tag match, not a title match. XPW-even we have regulations.

OVERALL:70 (60, 80).

OVERALL RATING:67%

.13 rating

355 people

$7100 in ticket sales.

I know this diary was a bit slow, but that's because I did the event at the beginning of the week, and lost any witty comments I had planned. Told you this was a work in progress. Back later with more XPW goodness.

Zack Malibu · August 23, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for December 8, 2003

We open the show with bad news this week, as perennial crowd favorite "Head Bitch" Lizzy Borden has been sent to rehab. Remember how Bob Saget said he sucked dick for coke? Well, Lizzy sucked coke for dick, and that shit cleaned out her pipes like Draino. That could be a good thing when it comes to her, now that I think of it. At any rate, someone needed to cover for her while she's away, and I've found the perfect person. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new Head Bitch of XPW...NIDIA~! Nidia comes out, still dressed in the Jamie Noble trailer trash gimmick gear. Hey who ever said it was a gimmick? She'll fit in quite nicely. Nidia's going to take this federation by the balls, and it's going to start tonight. Lizzy would appreciate the enthusiasm. Tonight, she's putting Rodney Mack up against Steve Bradley after what happened last week on the show, and she's DEMANDING that the stalker who's been stalking Crocodile Dupree reveal himself to the world TONIGHT!

OVERALL:77%. Nidia gained overness from this segment. God Bless the trailer park demographic.

TITLE MATCH OF TAG TEAMS THAT DON'T COMPLAIN:

Teen Show Express vs Silva Smooth.

Match Background: This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles. Teen Show Express have been XPW Tag Team champions since 24 November 2003.

The Match: Zack Sommers kicks the leg, knocks Smooth down, and goes to work on it. Flying elbow from Zack Sommers connects. Hooks the leg for a two count. Zack tags out to Sly Slater. Teen Show Express whip Smooth into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Covers for a quick two count. Flying elbow from Sly Slater, grazing the target slightly. GQ Smooth pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Back heel kick from Smooth on Sly. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to Lance Silva. SUPER frankensteiner on Sly, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Implant DDT by Lance Silva! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Sly counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Flying elbow from Sly Slater, grazing the target slightly. Tag between Sly Slater and Zack Sommers. STIFF high kick on Silva by Zack Sommers. Silva tags out to GQ Smooth. Second rope flying axe handle, Smooth goes down. One day, Zack might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. As Sly and Smooth get into a brawl on the outside, Matt Cappotelli comes running down into the ring! Zack Sommers gets grabbed, and they start brawling. Smooth takes some shots at Zack as well. The referee, seeing the chaos, calls for a no contest ruling. We have three sets of grapplers in the ring, as Teen Show Express, Silva Smooth and Cappotelli \ Hennigan look at each other. Before the inevitable brawl erupts, a host of referees hit the ring to keep them apart.

My Opinion: Sadly, a 1\2* match.

Nidia's impact is felt in the first match, as fellow Tough Enough winners and WWE rejects Matt and John debut. I hear they've also cast Jackie Gayda in a porno, and Abyss and Darryl from T.E. will do battle in a match where to win you need to put deoderant on your opponent. I'm copyrighting that before it winds up a gimmick in the A-Train vs. Undertake feud.

OVERALL:54% (45, 63). Matt Cappotelli debuted his "Evolution" gimmick to a positive response, thus making him worlds better than Randy Orton. The XPW World Tag Team Titles have gained in overness.

Crocodile Dupree is standing around again. Actually, Dupree has been on vacation, which explains why the same footage has been used time and time again. XPW knew the fans were catching on however, so tonight they've stopped doing that. Instead, there's a cardboard standout of Croc backstage. Suddenly, a masked man spears it, and an audio clip of Jim Ross shouting "HE FOLDED HIM IN HALF, BAH GAWD" plays over the scene. The masked man stands above him, and with his back to the camera, drops his pants and waves something around in his hands. The Stalker has just revealed himself to Crocodile Dupree!

OVERALL:65%.

THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR RUINING MY DREAM TEAM SINGLES MATCH:

Jinsei Shinzaki vs Swinger.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Spin kick by Jinsei Shinzaki to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Super kick by Jinsei Shinzaki. Covers for a quick two count. Swinger pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. STIFF high kick on Shinzaki by Swinger. Swinger uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Covers for a quick two count. Power drive elbow by Swinger. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Pin, but Shinzaki is out just before the three count. Swinger hits a rolling kick on Shinzaki. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Shinzaki blocks a punch. Swinger takes a NICE hurrancarana from Jinsei Shinzaki. Covers for a quick two count. Vicious kick to the teeth from Jinsei Shinzaki. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Flying elbow from Jinsei Shinzaki connects. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Swinger goes down. Jinsei Shinzaki misses a clothesline. Spin kick by Swinger to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Tiger suplex on Shinzaki. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, Bloody Hell! Swinger moves in for the kill. Swing Thing!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Kaos comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Kaos slams Swinger down. Kaos climbs to the top rope and hits the Kaostrify! Swinger has been left down on the canvas.

My Opinion: Ohh, looky. A **3/4 match!

Swinger needs a better finisher than the "Swing Thing". Not that the commentary is great to begin with but hearing the announcer say "He hit him with his thing!" has no place in this company, save for the previous segment.

OVERALL:71 (56, 86).

OF PRIDE AND PUSSY:

Steve Bradley vs Rodney Mack.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Mack hits a right hand. Bradley is a glutton for punishment and just continues to take it during this match. Rude Awakening neckbreaker on Steve Bradley by Mack. Remember when that was a legit finish? BIG clothesline on Bradley. Bradley blocks a kick from Rodney Mack. Steve Bradley with a spinning neckbreaker on Mack. Mack walks into a side slam. Think about how much talent it takes to side slam someone. Nash can do it. Covers for a quick two count. Rodney Mack powers out of a Steve Bradley headlock. Rodney Mack hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Rodney Mack scores with a standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Bradley reverses a Rodney Mack hammerlock. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Steve Bradley ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Steve Bradley gets taken down out of nowhere! Fallaway slam by Rodney Mack puts down Steve Bradley. Mack whips Bradley into the turnbuckles...and the ref is crushed! Steve Bradley knocks Mack to the outside, then signals for the Roll The Dice. He reaches out of the ring for Rodney Mack...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee wakes up to see Mack sliding in and making the pinfall: 1....2....3! Forget about it.

My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it.

Bradley takes one right hand, and Dames praises him as Ricky Morton's illegitimate son? You make these matches sound too good, Dames. Hope no one sues your ass for false advertising. Nothing says main event like two guys battling over the rights to pound the poon of a sex addicted coke fiend (or was that coke addicted sex fiend? I'm confused), and you can bet this one is far from over.

OVERALL:61 (57, 65).

64% OVERALL RATING

.14

356

$7120

Zack Malibu · August 23, 2003

XPW Monday Nightmare for December 15, 2003

Crocodile Dupree is already in the ring, and he's disgusted by the perverted actions of his stalker last week. Though that was the stalker's one slip up, as now Dupree is requesting a lineup of all XPW talent. He noticed a birthmark and could spot that pecker if given the chance, and then he'd find out who the culprit is. I'd use the excuse that this is a family show, but Walt Disney would rise from the grave and hack his arms off. Some random music hits, most likely whatever was found on the seats of a fan's car (not our fault they don't lock the doors) and out comes Barry Windham! Hey, c'mon...Crocodile Dupree has a stalker, and everyone overlooks the obvious choice! And for those who say "but that doesn't go along with the angle of Croc facing off with American heroes", I've got two words for you. U.S. Express. Windham storms the ring and chases Croc off, who's in shock that he was so stupid to not realize that his stalker was The Stalker.

OVERALL:67%

JEWANESE VS. PUSH US, PLEASE:

Barry Horowitz and Jinsei Shinzaki vs Team Tough Enough.

Match Background: Hennigan and Cappotelli are teaming up as Team Tough Enough for the first time tonight.

The Match: Standing leg lariat by Jinsei Shinzaki on Hennigan. Second rope flying axe handle, Hennigan goes down. One day, Shinzaki might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Hooks the leg for a two count. Hennigan counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Hennigan hits a dropkick on Jinsei Shinzaki. Actually, it barely touched! John Hennigan uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. Hennigan tags out to Matt Cappotelli. Matt Cappotelli blasts Shinzaki with a superkick. Jinsei Shinzaki pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Shinzaki tags out to Barry Horowitz. Barry Horowitz DOESN'T take a page out of Andre the Giant's book and hits an incredibly weak headbutt on Cappotelli. Boring brawling from Barry Horowitz is the cure for insomnia. Hooks the leg for a two count. Barry Horowitz hits a shaky delayed suplex on Cappotelli. If I were Cappotelli, I'd be too hesistant to let someone like that pick me up over their head. Horowitz tags out to Jinsei Shinzaki. Back heel kick off the second rope, Cappotelli goes down. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Shinzaki goes for a splash but Cappotelli puts the knees up. Shinzaki takes a hard, stinging chop from Cappotelli. One word: Ow. Cappotelli tags out to John Hennigan. Flying elbow from John Hennigan, grazing the target slightly. Jinsei Shinzaki is in big trouble...Tough Luck!! 1....2....3! Team Tough Enough nod at each other...and they attack Shinzaki \ Horowitz! The element of surprise works in their favour, and they have soon left Shinzaki \ Horowitz down and out on the canvas.

My Opinion: DUD. I refuse to say any more about it.

Element of surprise? Stevie Wonder could have seen a post-match attack coming. Shinzaki might feel biased against, and rightfully so, since he ruined that whole "WWF Dream Team" idea by actually having talent and not wanting to be saddled down with Windham. WWE lawyers might come calling later, when XPW is actually considered a force in the wrestling world, but for now Matt and John are using Team Tough Enough. Because watching them once is tough enough...now deal with the push.

OVERALL:49% (47, 52).

Speaking of Tough Enough, here's Head Bitch Nidia, as in "it's tough enough to look at her face without puking". Nevermind the revealing outfits. Nidia invites Air Paris and Paul London into her office, and says that she's signing a match between the two for this coming Sunday at Blow Away. London begs for her to make it a "loser gets fired" match, but Nidia doesn't want to risk losing London. She's got plans for him, and that makes the XPW World Champion wince. Last time he heard those words Lizzy showed up in a gimp mask weilding a pink dildo. The soreness never really went away.

OVERALL: 73%

Kaos and XTC are backstage, psyching each other up for their mixed tag match at Blow Away against Swinger and Alicia. This involves lots of ass-slapping, nipple-twisting and ear licking, so let's not even bother telling them the cameras running. Go ahead kids, continue as if we're not even here.

OVERALL:52%

HE'S THE STALKER? WHAT A CROCK XPW TV TITLE MATCH:

Barry Windham vs Crocodile Dupree.

Match Background: This match is for the XPW Television title. Crocodile Dupree has been XPW Television champion since 19 October 2003.

The Match: Wack kick from Windham. Croc hits a punch, but takes one right back. Again! A slugfest erupts in the ring! Croc takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Croc takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Croc ducks a wild right hand. Barry Windham charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Crocodile Dupree hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Croc drops an elbow...but Barry Windham moves out of the way. Powerslam from Barry Windham on Croc. There's a two count on the pin. Side suplex from Windham. Pin, but Croc is out just before the three count. Croc blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Crocodile Dupree hits some punches. How generic. Windham blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Crocodile Dupree takes a right hand to the temple from Windham. Not Chris Hero comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Crocodile Dupree turns around. Not Chris Hero spins Croc around. Not Chris Hero hits the Top Rope Splash! Hero leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three for Barry Windham, Croc got pinned. Not Chris Hero pushes the referee aside, then continues to assault Croc! Right hands rain down on Crocodile Dupree, pounding him into the canvas. Satisfied with his work, Not Chris Hero turns and leaves the ring, the damage done.

My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it.

Wack kick by Barry Windham? Them boys from Sweetwater know how to get down. This match had more suplexes than Tazz vs. Benoit, and with only 1/3 the talent. As for the interference, you wanna know who Not Chris Hero is? Well, he's Not Chris Hero, that's for sure.

What? He's not? Not Chris Hero, that is.

OVERALL:60% (58, 63). The XPW Television Title has gained in overness. Not Chris Hero debuted his gimmick to a positive response.

OVERALL SHOW RATING:60%

.13

349

$6980

The next day, Paul London requested to work with Swinger, feeling that they could do good work together. Methinks Paul knows Swinger's in the midst of a push, and is willing to risk his body for a greater good. Y'know, other than being doused in honey and tickled with feather dusters.

Back soon with the final PPV of 2003, XPW Blow Away~!

I've really gotta get the hang of the set dates, but it's tough to build with a graveyard show and 5 slots. At any rate, here's the card so far for XPW Blow Away:

XPW World Title Match:

XPW World Tag Team Title Match

Mixed Tag Team Match:

Kaos and XTC vs. Swinger and Alicia

August 23, 2003

Swinger needs a better finisher than the "Swing Thing". Not that the commentary is great to begin with but hearing the announcer say "He hit him with his thing!" has no place in this company, save for the previous segment.

Swinger's Finisher has been called the "Mood Swing" in TNA, which is a billion times better than the Swing Thing

Also, I think Nidia is amazing looking, so "its tough enough...to look at her face" comments are not appreciated

Zack Malibu · August 24, 2003

XPW BLOW AWAY~! PPV, aka "Probably Better Than Summerslam"

Hosted as always by Jon Ian and Chris English

Before the PPV starts, we have a special PPV edition of The C-Breeze with the one and only Jonny C. This guy could draw heat in the North Pole so I need to put him to use as much as I can. Jonny's guest tonight is the new XPW Television Champion, Barry Windham. Barry joins us looking less than sober, chewing on a straw of grass. Jonny C. wants to know why Barry's been stalking Crocodile Dupree lately, and Barry replies that he hasn't. Jonny C. asks the XPW production crew to roll the footage, so they proceed to wheel a push cart with a TV and VCR on it, and play the same footage that we've seen for nearly a month now. Jonny's confronted Barry with the proof, and Barry says that it wasn't him, it was Not Chris Hero. Who's Not Chris Hero? Barry responds that he's not Chris Hero. So then he is The Stalker! No, he used to be though, but that's because Vince would slip him a bottle of Jack with his paycheck each week. So let's get this straight. Barry was the stalker, but he's not Chris Hero. No, Not Chris Hero is Not Chris Hero! Before Jonny C. loses his voice and his mind, Crocodile Dupree runs in, swipes the TV belt out of Barry's hand, and lays him out with it. The fans actually cheer...the previous segment was requiring them to think too hard.

OVERALL:57% Jonny C. gains overness from this segment, of course.

DON'T CROSS THE CROSS-DRESSER:

Mikey Henderson vs Altered Boy Matthew.

Match Background: This will be a hardcore bout.

The Match: Flying cookie sheet shot by Miracle, blasting Matthew in the face with it. Flying cross body off the top rope! There's a two count on the pin. Miracle drops an elbow...but Altered Boy Matthew moves out of the way. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Miracle goes down. Implant DDT by Altered Boy Matthew! I will always and forever mark out for that move. There's a two count on the pin. Kitchen sink shot (literally) and Miracle gets floored. Pin, but Miracle is out just before the three count. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Miracle flips out of a Altered Boy Matthew bodyslam attempt. SUPER frankensteiner on Matthew, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Covers for a quick two count. Back heel kick off the second rope, Matthew goes down. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Miracle hits a dropkick on Altered Boy Matthew and gets right back up. Mikey Henderson puts Matthew through a table with a top rope legdrop. Miracle charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Flying elbow from Altered Boy Matthew connects. Springboard dropkick from Altered Boy Matthew. Nicely done. Matt Cross comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! Miracle turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Cross! Matt Cross has left Miracle in big trouble. Altered Boy Matthew has Mikey Henderson down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Top Rope Legdrop! 1....2....3. Matthew and Cross put the boots to Mikey Henderson, stomping away on him.

My Opinion: I'll give it a *1\2 rating. Consider getting more stars to be the adventure of a lifetime. Get started.

So Matt Cross decides that floral print sundresses are comfortable after all, and turns heel to align with the former Alter Boy. So now Matt Cross and a former man of the cross are The Amazin' Cross Dressin' Matthews? Oh lord, I think I just indirectly dubbed their new tag team name.

OVERALL:52% (41, 76).

Mary Beth Kapowski, Zack Sommers and Sly Slater are backstage, drinking milkshakes and discussing the whole Dylan/Kelly/Matt situation from the final seasons of 90210. Zack thinks that Kelly should have been with Dylan, while Sly thinks she should have stayed with Matt. Dylan. Matt. DYLAN! MATT! Mary Beth steps in before it gets ugly, and asks if they're ready for the Triple Threat Tag Team Title Match. Nothing better than a pre-match soap opera debate to get your blood flowing.

OVERALL:71%. The Teen Show Express and Mary Beth Kapowski all gained overness from this segment.

TOUGH ENOUGH TEENS TRIPLE THREAT OF SMOOTHNESS FOR THE XPW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES:

Teen Show Express vs Team Tough Enough vs Silva Smooth.

Match Background: This will be a triangle bout. Teen Show Express and Team Tough Enough have been feuding recently. Neither team holds an in-ring victory since the feud started. This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles. Teen Show Express have been XPW Tag Team champions since 24 November 2003.

The Match: Flying elbow from John Hennigan, grazing the target slightly. Lance Silva gets hip tossed by Hennigan. Tag between John Hennigan and Matt Cappotelli. Face crusher from Cappotelli on Silva sets up for an elbowdrop. Matt Cappotelli hits a shitty missile dropkick on Silva. Cappotelli tags out to John Hennigan. John Hennigan scoops up Silva. Cappotelli bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Tag to GQ Smooth. Smooth hits an arm drag on Hennigan, follows it up with about 3 more and locks in an armbar for good measure. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between John Hennigan and Zack Sommers. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Smooth goes down. Tag to Matt Cappotelli. Cappotelli takes a NICE hurrancarana from Zack Sommers. Tag to Sly Slater. Sly Slater with an enziguri. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Tag to GQ Smooth. GQ Smooth hits a shitty missile dropkick on Sly. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Sly Slater and Zack Sommers. Tor-NADO DDT from Zack Sommers, Smooth got planted! GQ Smooth can barely stand. Hang Time! 1....2....3.

My Opinion: All you deserve for this is *. That DOESN'T mean that you're a deputy or a cop or whatever.

Matt sets him up for an elbowdrop, but goes for a missle dropkick? Of COURSE it was a shitty missle dropkick, how the hell can you dropkick someone if they're on the Matt. Guess Bob Holly should have been rougher on you, kid. The members of the Four Whore's Men get screwed again, and not in the sense they're used to. Looks like they've got some sucking up to do (no pun intended. Seriously.) if they expect to be on the new Head Bitch, Nidia's, good side.

OVERALL:52% (47, 69).

HAVE A MIXED DRINK WITH THIS MIXED TAG, YOU'LL NEED IT:

Kaos and XTC vs Swinger and Alicia.

Match Background: Kaos and Swinger have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Kaos is the reigning XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion, and has been since 03 November 2003.

The Match: Kick to the gut from Alicia, who sadly, was even able to botch THAT. Alicia hits a shaky delayed suplex on XTC. If I were XTC, I'd be too hesistant to let someone like that pick me up over their head. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Alicia and Swinger. Swinger \ Alicia hook up XTC, then hit a double suplex. Swinger hits a rolling kick on XTC. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Covers for a quick two count. Spinning back kick from Swinger. XTC counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Swan Dive headbutt from XTC but without much elevation on the leap. Tag between XTC and Kaos. Implant DDT by Kaos! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Flying reverse elbow by Kaos. Swinger pushes out of a Kaos hold. Tag between Swinger and Alicia. Flying elbow off the top rope by Alicia, but there was NO elevation off the leap. Alicia blasts Kaos with a superkick, but it sucked royally. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! HARD Chop by Alicia on Kaos. Kaos kicks Alicia in the gut to reverse the momentum. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Alicia is down! Kaos has Alicia down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Kaostrify!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Kaos \ XTC climb opposite turnbuckles, working the crowd as they celebrate their victory.

My Opinion: A DUD here would have actually been generous! -*

The reason there was no elevation on Alicia's elbow is because she fell off the ropes. Throwing her arms out were supposed to break her fall, not hit the opponent. What she's got in charisma she's lacking in the workrate department. This match was just an excuse to move the Kaos/Swinger feud along, but after this display, I think my fans would rather jab at their retinas with thumbtacks. Remind me not to have any "Free Sharp Object" nights at these cards.

OVERALL:45 (53, 45). Swinger and Alicia lose overness. Kaos and XTC gained overness.

RESIDENTS OF A DEEP, DARK PLACE DUEL:

Abyss vs Steve Bradley.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Flying shoulder tackle by Bradley sends Abyss CRASHING to the mat. Massive backbreaker on Abyss and I get happy flashbacks to Bret Hart's Five Moves of DOOM. Hooks the leg for a two count. Bradley walks into a drop toe hold. Bradley gets slammed down hard and winces in pain. BIG clothesline on Bradley. There's a two count on the pin. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Abyss just KILLS Steve Bradley! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Abyss with a spinning neckbreaker on Bradley. Bradley kicks Abyss in the gut to reverse the momentum. Bradley hits a piledriver on Abyss. That used to end matches, you know. Covers for a quick two count. Death valley driver (not to be confused with the DVD 500) by Steve Bradley connects and Abyss is down! Pin, but Abyss is out just before the three count. Running knee lift from Steve Bradley. Bradley scoops and slams Abyss. What's the difference between a scoop slam and a body slam anyway? Steve Bradley misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Running knee lift from Abyss. Powerbomb on Bradley. Steve Bradley is in trouble. Here it comes - Sidewalk Slam. 1....2...3, it's finished.

My Opinion: It was close to a ** match, but I just can't stand too many blown spots. *3/4

Death Valley Drivers and powerbombs are not enough to lay each other out, but Bradley gets floored by a Sidewalk Slam. Somewhere, the Boss Man weeps. Both of these men reside in places that would turn any natural human off (Abyss from, well, an Abyss, and Bradley from Lizzy's genitalia). It was only natural to stick them together. Bradley hasn't been feelin' it as a face, and with Lizzy gone, his reasons for living fade by the day. I'd point him in the direction of a nice looking hooker, but he can't afford that on his check.

OVERALL:58 (57, 74). Abyss gained overness. Steve Bradley lost overness.

DOWN SOUTH VS. DOWN UNDER FOR THE XPW TELEVISION TITLE:

Barry Windham vs Crocodile Dupree.

Match Background: This match is for the XPW Television title. Barry Windham has been XPW Television champion since 15 December 2003.

The Match: BIG clothesline on Windham. Spear by Crocodile Dupree. Hooks the leg for a two count. Barry Windham avoids a Crocodile Dupree avalanche by getting out of the damn way! Windham strikes away at Crocodile Dupree, not doing much damage at all. Barry Windham hits a right hand on Crocodile Dupree. There's a two count on the pin. Windham DDTs Crocodile Dupree. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Big kick from Windham staggers Croc but that's about it. Croc blocks a kick from Barry Windham. Spear by Crocodile Dupree. There's a two count on the pin. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Crocodile Dupree just KILLS Barry Windham! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Bodyslam by Croc. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Crocodile Dupree ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Crocodile Dupree misses a clothesline. Croc gets splashed in the corner. Flapjack from Windham on Croc. Not Chris Hero comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! Croc turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Hero! Not Chris Hero has left Croc in big trouble. Barry Windham moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Lariat. 1....2...3, it's finished. Crocodile Dupree has a temper tantrum, kicking the ropes and punching the turnbuckles.

My Opinion: I'll give a 3/4 star rating, but only if you promise to improve as a booker.

Barry might be a face, but at least now the people know he's not just saying he's not Chris Hero. Well, only Chris Hero is Chris Hero, but who's Not Chris Hero? No, Who was Jim Neidhart, not Chris Hero. I could go on and on with this Who's On First routine, but then the Neidhart jokes would overcome the Chris Hero jokes, and it would throw me off course from this feud. Yes, their is still an idea behind it, believe it or not.

OVERALL: 54% (68, 63). The XPW TV Title has gained in image.

A hype video for the Paul London/Air Paris match plays. It's actually someone using two of the old LJN wrestlers with London and Paris' faces glued onto them. How can I tell? Since when does Paul London dress like SD Jones?

OVERALL:64%

DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE (VIDEO, THAT IS), LONDON'S NOT THAT TAN MATCH FOR THE XPW WORLD TITLE:

Paul London vs Air Paris.

Match Background: London and Paris have been feuding recently. So far, London hasn't managed to get a pin or submission over Paris since the feud started. This match is for the XPW World title. Paul London has been XPW World champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: STIFF high kick on Paris by Paul London. Standing leg lariat by Paul London on Paris. London uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Paris takes a flying neckbreaker from Paul London. Air Paris elbows Paul London in the face to break a hammerlock. Air Paris hits a rolling kick on London. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Super kick by Air Paris. Covers for a quick two count. Paul London elbows Air Paris in the face to break a hammerlock. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Paris walks into a face crusher variation. Has anyone's face ever really been crushed by one though? Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Paris flips out of a Paul London bodyslam attempt. Paris just WAFFLES London with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Paul London once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Second rope flying axe handle, Paris goes down. One day, London might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Paul London has Air Paris down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - London Calling, forget about it. 1....2...3!

My Opinion: Good bout. In my estimation, it's about ***3/4.

London actually seemed to be motivated, eh? Working under Lizzy is enough to make tasteful men cringe, but Nidia's not that bad, yet. Sure her muff looks like a fertilized Chia Pet, but who doesn't enjoy going to their dentist for a haircut? Paris might have lost here, but you can bet that this one is far from over. The network wants at least SOME talent on this roster, y'know.

OVERALL:69 (66, 88). The XPW World Title has gained in image.

OVERALL SHOW RATING:59%.

.24 buyrate

3513 people who saw Altered Boy Matthew and Matt Cross and thought it was a stageplay of La Cauge Aux Folles.

$600000 in PPV revenue

$105390 in merchandise sales

Lightning Flik · August 24, 2003

Rocking show Zack. Just fucking rockin.

Oh and Not Chris Hero storyline is great. Keep it up.

August 31, 2003

I suggest hiring Abdullah the Butcher, Bam Bam Bigelow, and Doink The Clown (as a heel and Evil Clown). Abdullah and Bam Bam work good together, but they do cost a lot. Plus, there are plenty of oppurtunities for clown-sex jokes with Doink. Anyway, good diary. Very entertaining stuff.

Zack Malibu · August 31, 2003

Thanks for the compliments, gang. I'm actually re-evaluating the roster as of late, since some guys got lost in the shuffle, and other things didn't take off as planned, soooo...

I want YOU, yes YOU, you're the one reading this aren't you? You guys can give out the suggestions of who you wanna see canned, who you wanna see hired, and any gimmick suggestions you've got. I wanna freshen things up (without starting a totally new diary) and any input you've got is welcome.

Now then, onto the show...

XPW Monday Nightmare for December 22, 2003

In her office, Nidia confronts Rodney Mack about his recent arrival in XPW as a foot soldier to Lizzy Borden. Well, the foot things just a fetish, y'know. Mack says that Borden believes in equal opportunity, in more ways than one, so if he gets to dip the dark meat after he cracks some crackas, then it's all good in his hood. Thank you Rodney for taking us back 30 years with that promo. Steve Bradley storms in, looking for a fight, but that's a stupid idea considering he's been used as a ring mop for the last few weeks. Nidia says she believes in equal opportunity too, and that's why she wants both of them to go at it. Rodney and Steve stare at each other in disgust, then shake their heads no. Nidia adds that she'll be a part of it, which makes them seemingly reconsider, but then she throws in the part about it being a match, with her as the special guest referee. Between Mack's raging hormones (and wouldn't you have them if you were married to Jazz? I know I'd be looking elsewhere too...) and Bradley defending the honor (!) of Lizzy Borden, this one should be good. Or at least I'll make it sound that way.

OVERALL:78%

CROSS (DRESSING) PATHS ONCE AGAIN:

Matt Cross vs Mikey Henderson.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Matt Cross connects with a back heel kick on Miracle and gets back up quickly. Miracle kicks Matt Cross in the gut to reverse the momentum. Miracle just WAFFLES Cross with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Cross reverses an irish whip...and Mikey Henderson runs into the referee! Diamond Dust from Mikey Henderson and Cross is out! Pinfall attempt, but the ref is out and can't count to three! Mikey Henderson gets taken down out of nowhere! Hard back suplex on Miracle. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Miracle is down! Hooks the leg for a two count. Miracle walks into a face crusher variation. Has anyone's face ever really been crushed by one though? Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Mikey Henderson powers out of a Matt Cross headlock. Flying reverse elbow by Mikey Henderson. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Cross counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Altered Boy Matthew comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Mikey Henderson turns around. Altered Boy Matthew slams Miracle down. Altered Boy Matthew climbs to the top rope and hits the Top Rope Legdrop! Matthew leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three for Matt Cross, Miracle got pinned. Cross Dressin' Matthews are beating down on Mikey Henderson! The music of Troy Bond hits, and he comes running down the aisle into the ring. Cross and Matthew bail out of the ring, leaving Mikey Henderson down in the ring. Troy Bond may have saved Mikey Henderson from a brutal beating.

My Opinion: These guys worked SO HARD...for a ** rating. Something went wrong somewhere, didn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the newest XPW star, Troy "Bail" Bond, whose gimmick is that he runs in for the save anytime a face is getting beaten down. I had considered doing the obvious James Bond gimmick with him, but you don't exactly need to be suave to get pussy in this fed. Plus, I was afraid he'd mistake the Cross Dressin' Matthews for Bond girls, and that would have offended a whole plethora of people. Did I just use the word plethora on an XPW show? Who says wrestling isn't educational!

OVERALL:61 (40,83). Matt Cross debuted his new gimmick (Gender Bender) to a positive Response. Troy Bond debuted his new gimmick (Old School Face) to a positive response.

The Four Whore's Men are interviewed backstage. They tell that cheap skankwhorejezebelheadgivingnogooddirtysmellystinkypieceofhuman WASTE Nidia that...wait, hang on, let them catch their breath. You guys OK? OK...

They tell Nidia not to think about screwing Rodney Mack during his match tonight. It's obvious that she's nearly as bad as Lizzy, but I don't think she'd go that far? Would she?

OVERALL:68%

SOMEONE'S GETTING SCREWED (NO, NOT LIKE THAT...YET):

Steve Bradley vs Rodney Mack.

Match Background: This will be a special guest referee bout. Nidia will be the referee for this match.

The Match: Flying shoulder tackle by Mack sends Bradley CRASHING to the mat. Spear by Rodney Mack. Covers for a quick two count. Bradley blocks a kick from Rodney Mack. Bradley slams Rodney Mack. Rodney Mack charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Covers for a quick two count. High Angle DDT by Steve Bradley just SPIKES Rodney Mack down! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Running knee lift from Steve Bradley. Steve Bradley misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Big piledriver on Bradley. Covers for a quick two count. Death valley driver by Rodney Mack! No one executes that move properly anymore. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Fallaway slam by Rodney Mack puts down Steve Bradley. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Rodney Mack ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Bradley blocks a punch. Fallaway slam by Steve Bradley puts down Rodney Mack. Spear! Mack is down! Steve Bradley small packages Rodney Mack out of nowhere. 1.2.3! Fast count! Nidia screwed Rodney Mack!

My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it.

Channelling the spirit of Lex Luger? I wonder if that comment is marketable. I mean, watching Rodney's matches is like being on a torture rack, and we could take that old schoolbus that's been set on fire outside the arena (you know why...it's not like our arena is in the best area of town. When the rats have ammunition, you know you're in trouble) and instead of the Lex Express, we'd have the Mack Truck. Konrad would even drive it for us. See how everything falls into place?

As for a match summary, don't ask for one. You think I actually KNOW where this angle is going?

OVERALL:61 (57,65).

MELTING POT OF FEUD-TACULAR GOODNESS:

Air Paris, Crocodile Dupree, and Swinger vs Barry Windham, Paul London, and Kaos.

Match Background: London and Paris have been feuding recently. Kaos and Swinger have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Paul London is the reigning XPW World champion, and has been since 28 September 2003. Kaos is the reigning XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion, and has been since 03 November 2003. Barry Windham is the reigning XPW Television champion, and has been since 15 December 2003.

The Match: Kaos hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Kaos hits a dropkick on Swinger and gets right back up. Tag to Paul London. Paul London hits a rolling kick on Swinger. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Flying cross body off the top rope! Covers for a quick two count. Tag to Barry Windham. Paul London scoops up Swinger. Windham bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Barry Windham strikes Swinger with a hard blow. Swinger pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Swinger uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Tag to Air Paris. Second rope flying axe handle, Windham goes down. One day, Paris might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Vicious kick to the teeth from Air Paris. Pin, but Windham is out just before the three count. Second rope flying axe handle, Windham goes down. One day, Paris might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Tag to Crocodile Dupree. Croc hits a right hand. Running knee lift from Crocodile Dupree. Windham counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Tag to Kaos. Second rope flying axe handle, Croc goes down. One day, Kaos might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Tag between Crocodile Dupree and Swinger. Swinger kicks the leg, knocks Kaos down, and goes to work on it. Swinger crushes Kaos with a running senton. Kaos can barely stand. Swinger Stinger! 1....2....3.

My Opinion: I'll give it a *1\2 rating. Consider getting more stars to be the adventure of a lifetime. Get started.

For the guy whom the fed was to somewhat be based around, Kaos didn't last too long in there. And what's with all the kicking in the early portion of the match? I thought I was reading an article on a Rockettes show. Swinger gets the pin, dragging on his feud for another week at least, while everyone else is also still feuding and stuff. I know it sounds anti-climactic, but after that finish, could you expect anything less. I knew it'd be you, Kaos...you broke my heart.

OVERALL:66% (59, 73).

OVERALL 66%

.13 rating

354 people

$7080 in ticket sales

E-mails the next day:Matt Cross thinks he and Mikey Henderson should continue to work together due to similar styles. And the WWE signed both Mikey Whipwreck and Erik Watts to written contracts. Damn, and I thought taking them down would be tough!

August 31, 2003

In the Steve Bradley/ Rodney Mack/ Four Whore's Men mess, who the hell is the face....i'm confused

Zack Malibu · August 31, 2003

Bradley turned face after blowing the feud with Kaos. The whole angle was supposed to be Lizzy siccing the Whore's Men on him (with Mack taking his spot as the main player in the group), but she went to rehab. The deal with Nidia is that while she's a heel, she's not down with the Whore's Men OR Bradley, so she's constantly stirring shit up. God help me if I lead any of this into a Lizzy Borden face turn.

August 31, 2003

ah, I see

XPW EWR Diary (offshoot of WWA?)

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