your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 8/7/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

The wife and the adorable younguns are at my mom`s house all week being indoctrinated into the insidious world of Southern Baptist theology- as my younguns are going to vacation bible school at the church where my mom play`s piano every Wednesday and Sunday. My children`s dancin and drinkin days are numbered!!

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Benoit vs Eddy fucking ruled. Benoit goes gentle with the powerbomb but everything else was all intense and high impact. The crowd from Canadia get behind their boy and get all pissed when the shitty ending kicked in. Sargeant Slaughter restarts it as a tag match and all of North America says, ``Uh. Okay. Sure.`` Rhyno looked good in this, making Tajiri look all devastating and what not. Tajiri is great as Ricky Morton and the crowd is bringing the heat to get Benoit in the match. Rhyno and Eddy do some really great things when cutting off Tajiri`s comebacks and Benoit is fucking GOLD as the enraged psycho on the apron who can`t control himself enough to help his partner. Rhyno and Eddy are a great heel tagteam. Rhyno cuts off Tajiri as well as Eddy. Eddy bumps enourmous! The finish was fun as Benoit looks all intense and shit. They should keep Eddy and Rhyno a tagteam. Benoit is fucking awesome.

 

- Highlights of Matt motherfucking Hardy beating the fuck out of Zach Gowan is SOLID GOLD, DADDY! SOLID MOTHERFUCKING GOLD! FUCK COLE, MATT! HE`S AN ASS! HE SUCKS AS A COMMENTATOR COMPARED TO YOU! FUCK YEAH! CALL HIM A LITTLE BITCH, MATT! Matt is fucking great framing the fued as Zach getting everything handed to him. Zach and Nunzio do some very odd mat wrestling and then Zach bumps his way to your heart. MATT IS FUCKING GREAT! COLE IS YOUR LITTLE ANNOUNCER BITCH! AND FUCK GOWAN AND HIS TAKING OF MATT`S OPPORTUNITIES! Shannon bumps fucking CRAZY for Gowan and Matt ultrakills Zach after Nunzio gets the pin. PEE ON HIM, MATT! BLOW YOUR NOSE ON HIS STUMP! FUCK YOU COLE! MATT IS NOT A LOWLIFE BULLY! Matt is a bully! Fuck yeah he is! Bill Demott sucks as a bully. Mattitude fucking RULES as a bully. MATT HARDY IS YOUR REAL REDNECK JESUS. FUCK YEAH! Gowan has definately grown on me with his fearless bumping and comically unlikely offense.

 

- This is the year I get into UPN`s fall schedule. ALL OF US will ROCK! And I can`t wait to get some Astrojax.

 

- UT takes on Cena and UT has the anti-Big Show theme. I really can`t stand it. And this new entrance makes me hear all of it and it makes me want to kick my dogs and punch the wall. The match is good. UT is feeling it for the first time in his 39 year career. Cena sells the beating like a whiny little bitch and he is becoming beloved to me because of it. Cena`s elbow`s suck dick but he eats a clothesline like a king. UT works on the shoulder and you remember that he wrestled in Texas forever. Cena starts working UT`s leg and sells the shoulder on offense which is always a nice touch. Cena sells even better as the match goes on- especially when UT was doing the British armlift thing the second time. The psychology of the match is really cool- as it is psychology you would have in a normal match if UT is the heel. You never see this kind of match- where the face is bringing the majority of the offense and the heel has to sell most of the match. Cool match and I`m glad they gave it so much time- though you see how limited Cena is when he gets on offense. UT with the posting of Cena to cut off Cena`s first big flurry was sweet. The nearfalls with UT selling the ribs were fucking great. Superplex was AWESOME. Lets me forgive the myriad of shitty punches throughout. Run-in and ref bump were stupid and pointless and detracted from a strangley good match.

 

- Doug Basham needs to lose the partner because he rules when he is unleashed. When did Noble turn face? Noble gets all Malenkoey when he isn`t filled with hate. I guess since Nidia and Noble and Torrie and Billy made the Beast With Four Backs, they are all faces now? I await the VIGNETTE~! where Nidia walks in on Jamie running roughshod on the sweet sweet ass of Billy- the monogrammed diamond studded Hut Strickland Racing Team cockring Nidia bought him pumping oil-well-like in the keister of Billy. It books itself. Yes.

 

- Rey Rey and Charlie Haas have a nice little match. I went out drinking till 2 in the morning last night and drank a Rubbermaid trashcan full of beer so I`m glad they did me a favor and didn`t bring out Kidman with Rey because I would collapse face down on the keyboard. The match is perfunctory but the finish was pretty cool if you ignore the fact that Haas no-sells the 619.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

 

``Jennifer I needs to stop kissing you now or I vill keep kissing you until the sun rises. Your lips are the only sustenance I vould ever need.``

 

``Yeah, let me get inside before my dad comes out and starts throwing beer cans at you.``

 

``Vot? Vy vould he do zat?``

 

``I`m just kidding. He`s my dad and he suspects that you are a teenage boy going out with his daughter. Other than that, he`s really a sweetheart.``

 

``Vell, tell him I have nothing but honorable intentions in regards to you. You are mein shining star. I vould rather die zan ever hurt you.``

 

Jennifer slips into the house and goes up to her room. Her parents are asleep and her older brother hasn`t gotten home yet. She slips into bed and her hands explore her body. She thinks of Beau Duke and a lost afternoon in the General Lee- jumping the lake and crushing Roscoe P Coletrains car- all the while Beau and Jenn deeply passionately kissing. Her fantasy world is rudely interrupted as she hears her brother stumble through the front door and through the hallway. He spills into her room. ``GOTT GOTDAMMIT! Motherfuck.....MOTHERFUCK! That fuckin`... fuckin` BITCH! Oh, hey Jennifer. Melissa broke up with again. Fuckin bitch...``

 

``Good God, Rob, you`re so wasted.``

 

``Yeah, she says she`s sick of it. Fuck her, fucking bitch.... she`ll be calling tomorrow when she wants some dick. SHE CAN`T LIVE WITHOUT THIS BOY`S DICK! SHE... uh...``

 

``Allright Rob, lemme get you to bed. You`re being too charming this evening.``

 

``Fuck, sorry Jenn. It`s just that....That shit pisses me off. I mean one minute she`s sucking my... well... you... you know what I mean. Bitch didn`t even finish before she broke up with me. I mean.. how the fuck does THAT happen?``

 

``Uh Rob, did you start pushing down on her head or something.``

 

``That does piss her off. HA! She does hate that. I think that`s why I do it. Fucking bitch...``

 

``Jesus, Rob, you can be such an asshole.``

 

``Oh yeah. I`ll give you that much, my sis... but fuck. Me n Melissa`s relationship is so comPLETEly fucked up. It`s like all we do is fuck and fight. It`s sick....``

 

``I don`t know if there is any love there. And you`re not really in any condition to....``

 

``Probably not. Ohhhhh fuck. God, I`m gonna be sick. But... you know she does have a really sweet ass...``

 

``I can only imagine....:

 

``Oh yeah, it fucking rules. It`s got like a SPELL on me. Hahaha! Melissa and her... hypnotic ass. Hahaha. Yeaaaaaaaaaaah buddah! So... Jen... how`s that boy your seeing. Barry? Something....``

 

``Baron. He`s wonderful. I`ve never felt like this before. I think I love him.``

 

``Yeah, well be careful. Me n Melissa were in love once. Now we break up in the middle of...of her sucking my dick. How fucked up is that? Right in the middle. That`s fucking crazy.... She does have a sweet ass. I mean fuckin SWEET ass. I CONTROLS me. It MoooVES me. Haha... WILD THANG! You make my HEART SANG...``

 

``Allright, big man. Let`s get you to the bathroom.``

 

``Yeah. that`s a good idea....``

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- Angle gets a little heelish with puka bead boy Josh and it makes me long for evil Angle.

 

- Undertaker talks to Vinny about his moral obligations to his family and calls Sable a hose-guzzlin` penis-fauncier. Then they have this big Godard-ian tracking shot to Brock laying on the floor and I should be able to bring myself to give a fudge- a site that makes Vince shoot for a Fred Dryer level of acting.. But I can`t.

 

- Brock evil and Angle is face. The multi-part set up didn`t involve Dirty White girl with a black eye and didn`t involve Dirty White Boy hanging Dr Tom Pritchard over the top rope with a chain. This was just the waste of a perfectly good cage.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

- Doug Basham needs to lose the partner because he rules when he is unleashed.

That's what I've been saying since they called him up, but everybody's all "boring-ass OVW clone". Basham/Kanyon would be an ultra-fun match.

[the pinjockey 0]

"the monogrammed diamond studded Hut Strickland Racing Team cockring"

 

Please for the love of god tell me where I can get one of these.

 

Hut Stricklin references are GOLD.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

Why do I get the feeling that we'll get another spin-off into the world of Rob, Jennifers Drunken Brother...

 

DEAN, how can you hate the SOUPBONES?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

"the monogrammed diamond studded Hut Strickland Racing Team cockring"

 

Please for the love of god tell me where I can get one of these.

 

Hut Stricklin references are GOLD.

Any man named "Hut" lends himself to fictious cockring merchandizing.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Why do I get the feeling that we'll get another spin-off into the world of Rob, Jennifers Drunken Brother...

 

DEAN, how can you hate the SOUPBONES?

Oohhhhh, now now.

 

DEAN.

[godthedog 0]

"the monogrammed diamond studded Hut Strickland Racing Team cockring"

 

Please for the love of god tell me where I can get one of these.

 

Hut Stricklin references are GOLD.

i mark for the godard references myself.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

There once was a man

He was a real mack daddy

He was Al Wilson

 

Who? Says Rasmussen

I don't remember that man

Long live the Baron

[godthedog 0]

"smackdown recap up!

feedback it!" says jhawk, but

we love only dean

[starvenger 0]

I don't understand

Why we're writing in Haiku

Did I miss something?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I don't understand

Why we're writing in Haiku

Did I miss something?

My head is hurting

cannot make anymore jokes

involving cockrings.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Quik]

Holy fucking hell

Who invented these damn things?

Freaking Japanese

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

The real question is:

is that stephanie mcmahon?

is it glenn danzig?

 

DEAN.

[The Czech Republic 0]

Poetry is in

Haikumania runs wild

Thanks a lot Prince Paul