Negative star ratings - Should they be used?

[Toshiaki Koala 0]

When I first began to write this, I wasn’t sure exactly where I stood on the issue. But as I got to writing, I got to thinking, and I have come to the decision that, yes, negative star ratings can and should be used. More on that later. Here is what the star ratings mean to me:

 

***** - Near flawless, can be watched an endless number of times and still be enjoyed

 

****-****3/4 - An excellent match, has flaws but is totally absorbing

 

***-***3/4 - A good match, will never be considered a classic but is fun to watch nonetheless

 

**-**3/4 - A decent match, seriously flawed but has enjoyable moments

 

*-*3/4 - A bad match, boring and/or sloppy, not painful to watch but completely unfulfilling

 

DUD-3/4* - Worthless. An utter waste of time, few to no redeeming qualities

 

In my eyes, for a match to rate in the negatives, it must not only be bad but offensive. The sloppiest, most boring match should only receive DUD unless it is a disgrace to the business, and tarnishes the rest of the show. An example of this is the WCW Thunder match in which David Arquette won the title. I haven't seen this match, so for all I know there may have been some decent wrestling in it. However, to me, this match cannot receive any of the ratings listed above. The single fact of its result makes it an insult to everyone who has watched or competed in the sport of wrestling. It brought dishonor to what was once one of the most coveted titles in the industry. Anyone who was not embarassed after seeing this match cannot truly call themself a wrestling fan.

 

Another example of this would be the infamous Pat Patterson vs. Gerald Briscoe Evening Gown Match. This is not a bad match. It is an abomination, a repellent mockery of a once-respected sport. It allowed two legends to disgrace both themselves and the title they were competing for, and is a slap in the face to anyone who has followed their careers. No, I stand corrected. It is a slap in the face to anyone who has breathed air. To say that the match is simply worthless would not be enough. A worthless match, a DUD, has no casualties but itself. It may be awful, even unwatchable, but it does not taint or bring down the rest of the show. The Evening Gown disaster is a detriment to the wrestling business. Nothing less than a negative star rating can bring justice to it.

 

Now, earlier I mentioned that for a match to receive negative stars it must not only be bad but offensive. The most atrocious wrestling alone, I said, cannot warrant a negative rating. But can a match to be so ineptly wrestled as to be offensive? So far, I have not seen one that fits this descriptor. However, I will allow for the possibility that such a contest will take place. Certainly their have been wrestlers of insultingly poor skill (I’m looking at you, Giant Gonzalez), though none have yet produced a match that by its badness alone is a disgrace to professional wrestling.

 

I’ve already established that negative ratings should be used. But how should they be used? Is there really a difference between a -*** match and a -***1/4 match? How does one measure offensiveness? How can one tell what negative effects a match will have on the wrestling industry? The answer is (fairly) simple. Like the positive ratings, negative stars are based on PERSONAL belief, and PERSONAL reaction. They are a measure of how much you personally were offended by the match. A match that rates -***** is a total disgrace, a black mark on the industry, one of the darkest moments in wrestling history. It is a self-inflicted wound that will never heal. A -* match is the inverse of a * match – it is mildly (but clearly) offensive. It will cause no serious harm, but is nonetheless a mockery of wrestling’s ideals. I would rate the Evening Gown match at around -**3/4 to -***, while the only match deserving of -***** is the aforementioned Arquette fiasco.

 

I hope you enjoyed reading my column (hah!), and maybe even were enlightened by it (yeah right!). Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

David Noonan

“Spine Upon the Pine”

[Aero 0]

Well, one of the only matches that I would rate -***** off the top of my head would be Ultimate Warrior vs. Goldust from IYH: Good Friends, Better Enemies. Goldust walks around the ring for nearly 15 min. while talking on the mic, and Warrior hits one clothesline or something.

[CanadianChris 0]

Get thyself a tape of a scaffold match. ANY scaffold match.

[Nevermortal 0]

Get thyself a tape of a scaffold match. ANY scaffold match.

High Incident was ok, but mainly because they didn't start on the scaffold.