EWR 4.0 HSW 2.0 Diary! Still Better Than Yours!

Lightning Flik · October 3, 2003

BLOW ME!

With my new column on 411, I have higher priorities. However, I have to work in the morning and should have time there to write up the show I already have played out. I promise, promise, that a new show will be posted by tomorrow night and sorry for being so slow with getting new shows up.

Deacon, you have a life.

Don't let it bother you that you've been living it. I wish I had a life.

October 3, 2003

dude, i'm just jerking yer chain! take your time...just not SO MUCH time!

WrestlingDeacon · October 4, 2003

HSW Rainbow Fun Hour for Saturday, September 21st, 2003

Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Jon Ian and the Deacon

THIS WILL PUT BUTTS IN THE SEATS TAG MATCH

Tony Stetson and Flocknest Monster vs Multi-Culture Pals.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Implant DDT by Flocknest Monster! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Lightning kick by Monster on Larry. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Flocknest Monster and Tony Stetson. Stetson \ Monster whip Larry into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. A powerslam so weak, my grandmother could have performed it, is actually pulled off by Stetson on Larry. There's a two count on the pin. Uninspiring brawling from Tony Stetson. Check them brawlin' stats, boy. Larry counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Larry DDTs Tony Stetson. Larry tags out to The Musical Rabbi. Spin kick by The Musical Rabbi to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. SUPER frankensteiner on Stetson, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Stetson counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Tag to Flocknest Monster. Flying cross body off the top rope! Back heel kick off the second rope, Rabbi goes down. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Flocknest Monster connects with a back heel kick on Rabbi and gets back up quickly. The Musical Rabbi once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Flying cross body off the top rope! Flocknest Monster climbs to the top rope, ready to leap at Rabbi. Tony Stetson bounces off the ropes for an elbow drop without seeing his partner, and crotches Monster by accident. The Musical Rabbi has Flocknest Monster down on the canvas. Here it comes - Dreidel Cradle, forget about it. 1....2...3! Stetson and Monster remain in the ring, arguing. Flocknest Monster looks really angry. Tony Stetson pushes Monster away and walks off, looking furious.

Winners: Multi-Cultural Pals

My Opinion: You barely escaped a DUD rating. 1/4*.

(Dissention among the jobbers! The Multi-Cultural Pals are so happy about scoring the win that they celebrate by getting drunk and performing a bris. Notice how Dames marks out for the Musical Rabbi and buys a back heel kick as a finisher like he was Eric Bischoff.)

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 30%

Match Quality: 63%

FlockNest Monster flips out post match. They just lost to the Multi-Cultural Pals. The Multi-Cultural Pals!!! How is he going to live this down at the next Jobber to the Stars convention in lovely San Bernardino. Monster starts wrecking the ringside area, because he’s a big crybaby. Since I found a gimmick for Garrison Cade, I had to hire a new janitor. The temp agency sent over Hard Workin’ Bobby Walker. Can’t fault the name. Walker comes out to start cleaning up the mess, but the FlockNest Monster isn’t done yet. He wants to know what Walker is looking at. Uh, he was just counting his SOS pads. “Well, you’ll have to signal SOS after this beating!” Even Tony Stetson hangs his head in shame on that one. The FlockNest Monster attacks Walker, who defends himself by tossing some Clorox Cleanup in his eyes and the mop bucket over his head. Monster does the classic “Put ‘em up, put ‘em…hey, who turned the lights out” Tom & Jerry stance and then Walker whacks him with THE SLIGHTLY DAMP MOP OF DOOM AND TURMOIL~! The FlockNest Monster runs off and Walker celebrates…by cleaning up the mess that Monster made of the ringside area. Who’s laughing now?

Segment Rating: 53%

I NEED A LOAN FOR AN ESCALADE SINGLES MATCH

Bank One vs Fat Rhymes.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Rhymes walks into a high dropkick from Bank One, almost losing several teeth in the process. Bank One strikes Rhymes. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Fat Rhymes charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Rhymes counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Big forearm by Rhymes draws laughter from the crowd because it was THAT bad. Messed up bodyslam by Rhymes almost kills BO. There's a two count on the pin. Fat Rhymes misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Bank One hits a bulldog off the ropes. Covers for a quick two count. Power drive elbow by Bank One. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! BO drops an elbow...but Fat Rhymes moves out of the way. Fat Rhymes DOESN'T take a page out of Andre the Giant's book and hits an incredibly weak headbutt on BO. BO reverses a Fat Rhymes hammerlock. Spin kick by Bank One to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Fat Rhymes slugs Bank One, sending him down into the corner. While Rhymes fires up the crowd, BO is removing the turnbuckle pad! Fat Rhymes comes over...but BO grabs him by the tights and uses the leverage to slingshot Fat Rhymes face first into the exposed steel turnbuckle! Bank One rolls up the stunned Fat Rhymes: 1....2...3! How did the referee not see that? The fight has started up again! Bank One attacks Rhymes, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting.

Winner: Bank One

My Opinion: Hot pokers would be a little too nice to the booking committee for subjecting me to this bile -**.

(Ahmed Johnson continues to be the black hole of suck pulling all others down to his level. Bank One should be used to that, sponsoring the Chicago Bears and all. Be sure to take note that a “messed up bodyslam by Rhymes almost kills BO.” I think you’re going to need deodorant to finish the job though. Post match, there’s a lot of “screw you honky cracker” this and “bitE me, ya’ Alabama porch monkey” that and a little “eat a bag of dicks, peckerwood” and some “smoke my salmon, buggabo.” The children in the audience take furious notes for the playground tomorrow.)

Overall Rating: 30%

Crowd Reaction: 17%

Match Quality: 44%

Tony Stetson is in the back talking to Elizabeth Borden. She only let him and the FlockNest Monster back in the HSW because they had incriminating photos of her with a vat of marshmallow cream, a goat and the 1993 Denver Broncos. Yet, they can’t even beat the Multi-Cultural Pals. While Monster is receiving medical attention, Stetson will have to take the punishment for his team by going to Loserville and standing in the corner. This teaches the kids a valuable lesson. Don’t be a loser. Why? “Because losers smell like Grandma’s underwear!” Stetson sulks off to go stand in the corner, but is stopped by a little boy named Timmy, because that’s what all little boys are named. Timmy asks for Tony’s autograph. Why would he want the autograph of such a loser? Because Timmy believes in him and knows that Stetson can do better…also Chris Nowinski was charging ten bucks. Little Timmy then gives Tony Stetson his RC Cola (like we could get a deal with Coke) and walks away. Stetson shuffles off, feeling a bit better and drinking the soda. He stops halfway down the hall and calls back to the kid, “hey, did you pee in this?”

Segment Rating: 40%

YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WOMEN BECAUSE ENCHILADAS ARE NOT TECHNICALLY SANDWICHES

Chris Nowinski vs Paunch Estrada.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Chris Nowinski hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Side suplex from Nowinski. Side suplex from Nowinski. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Nowinski slams Paunch Estrada down. Estrada is sure in trouble now. Covers for a quick two count. Estrada powers out of a headlock. Estrada hits a dropkick on Chris Nowinski and gets right back up. Estrada crushes Nowinski with a huge legdrop. Chris Nowinski pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Chris Nowinski hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Paunch Estrada tries to get a big slam, but it is blocked when Nowinski goes to the eyes! Chris Nowinski quickly scores with a field-goal kick between the legs! Paunch Estrada collapses! The referee didn't see the illegal blow! 1...2...3! Paunch Estrada got screwed! Chris Nowinski leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle at speed. Nowinski has the victory, and isn't hanging around for Paunch Estrada to look for revenge.

Winner: Chris Nowinski

My Opinion: I'll give a 1\2* rating because they were actually able to hit a couple of spots.

(Nowinski’s entire move set was sideslams, axe handles and kicks to the nads. Did Kevin Nash take him under his wing or what? Lady Victoria appears to comfort Estrada post match, but she was just trying to get a really good recipe for burritos. The bread truck is late and Nowinski has to have fresh buns at all times. We can’t go further than that on a family show. Has it dawned on anyone else that 80% of my jokes are about women making sandwiches.)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 63%

Match Quality: 59%

It’s time for Cooking with Gonzalez with special guest “Carless” Mark Jindrak. Hey where’s Jindrak? One of the production assistants thinks he saw him outside waiting on a bus. Gonzalez stalks off the set and goes outside to find him. Jindrak is standing out front, jumping up and down barely able to control his giddiness. Gonzalez tells him to get inside and show the kids how to make a sandwich. Jindraks says he can’t, his car is coming. Ok, who left the airplane glue out? No, seriously, months ago Jindrak moonlighted by wrestling a battle royale for the SWF where the winner got a new car. He lost, but the guy who won, Craig McClennan, gave him the car anyway and now he’s bringing it over after getting some custom detailing done. (This really did happen. See what happens when they give me the book down there. Suicide King promises that will never happen again). A car pulls up and out steps…the Repo Man? McClennan no showed driving the car over (Inside joke! OMGWTFWWJD), so Repo Man brought it in his stead. Jindrak eyes him suspiciously, but Repo holds the keys out for him to take. He reaches out…but not so fast! Does Jindrak have the taxes due on the car? Taxes? It was a gift. Well, that doesn’t mean there still aren’t taxes on it. There’s the gift tax, the present tax, the doubling up on the same tax twice under a different name tax, the gas tax, the oil tax, the windshield wiper fluid tax, wait…does this thing come with cup holders? Yup, that makes it a sportscar, so an extra tax on that.

“Do you intend to drive this car with your eyes open?”

“Uh…yeah.”

“Well, there’s a tax on that.”

Let’s see, sales tax, state tax, federal tax, income tax, luxury tax, do not pass go, do not collect $200…that’s a grand total of $452,311.16. Gonzalez has the 16 cents if Jindrak needs it. Marks says that he doesn’t have that kind of money. Well, then he guesses he’ll have to repossess the car. Life is sweet. Repo Man drives off cackling while Jindrak screams pissed off. Hey, emotion from Mark Jindrak, fancy that. Gonzalez pleads, “what about my show? Won’t someone think about the children?”

Segment Rating: 53%

Chris Nowinski pimp struts through the back, counting the money he scammed from the kids in the autograph line. He comes across Elizabeth Borden holding a huge sign that says, “The Mysterious Entity is not Perrious Saturn.” (meaning it probably is) Nowinski chats up Borden. “Has anyone told you that you’re a handsome woman? I wouldn’t say pretty, of course, but kind of handsome in a bull dike way. You have really great hands though. So delicate and feminine, absolutely perfect for making tuna melts. If you’re not doing anything after the show, I have a can of Chicken of the Sea and a hotplate in my dressing room…” Lady Victoria runs up and demands to know what’s going on. Borden insists that nothing is going on. Which, of course, means that something is. Borden and Victoria get in a catfight and brawl down the hallway. Nowinski runs after them screaming, “The face! Kick each other in the face! Save those hands!”

Segment Rating: 76%

A MATCH MADE IN THE IMPOUD YARD FOR THE HSW YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TITLE

Repo Man vs Mark Jindrak.

Match Background: Repo and Jindrak are currently feuding. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. This match is for the You Are a Good Person title. Repo Man has been You Are a Good Person champion since 03 September 2003.

The Match: Jindrak takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Weak bodyslam by Repo. Covers for a quick two count. Jindrak counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Repo gets slammed down hard and winces in pain. BIG clothesline on Repo. Covers for a quick two count. Death valley driver by Mark Jindrak! No one executes that move properly anymore. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Running knee lift from Mark Jindrak. Repo counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Repo Man hits an ugly looking bulldog off the ropes. Covers for a quick two count. Repo Man scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Repo slams Mark Jindrak down. Jindrak is sure in trouble now. Repo Man strikes Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Repo Man charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Mark Jindrak scores with a big spinebuster. Repo Man gets whipped into the turnbuckles by Jindrak. Splash Mountain!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Mark Jindrak offers a handshake to Repo...and he accepts it! No! Repo Man levels Jindrak with a cheap shot right hand! Repo Man spins Jindrak around. Repo Man hits the Double Axe Handle! Mark Jindrak has been floored after the match.

Winner: “Carless” Mark Jindrak

My Opinion: One SOLE bright spot in this match keeps it from going into DUD territory. 1/4*.

(The fact that he does a severe ass beat down with a ~Double Axe Handle~ is so Memphis. It’s the greatest finisher ever. I don’t know why people always try to shake hands with the Repo Man post match, he’s the damn Repo Man. Oh, that’s right, I book it that way. So, Jindrak loses a car but gains a title belt. “Hey, what’s this stuff flaking off? Is this paint? What does it say underneath this? Western…Heritage…Sta…” Bank One drops an anvil on his head from the rafters. I need to make a guy named Dues Ex Machina.)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 57%

Overall Show Rating: 52%

T.V. Rating: 1.51

Attendance: 405 small children running around screaming, “Blow me, peckerwood!”

October 5, 2003

No, seriously, months ago Jindrak moonlighted by wrestling a battle royale for the SWF where the winner got a new car. He lost, but the guy who won, Craig McClennan, gave him the car anyway and now he’s bringing it over after getting some custom detailing done. (This really did happen. See what happens when they give me the book down there. Suicide King promises that will never happen again).

God help me, it's all true. I threw the book at him. I didn't expect him to catch it.

Lightning Flik · October 5, 2003

*laughs* You kidding me?

You guys actually went through with that?

AND YOU LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THAT?

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

OMG, I'm going to die from laughing so hard...

October 6, 2003

As always, worth waiting for.

WrestlingDeacon · October 7, 2003

Two updates in three days? Call Satan and see if he's making snow cones.

HSW Pretty Kittens for Wednesday, September 24th, 2003

Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Kevin Kelly and Tod Keneley

Elizabeth Borden is standing in a back holding a sign saying, “The Mysterious Entity is Positively Not Charles Palumbo.” A UPS guy walks in with a giant box that Borden needs to sign for. She signs the form and the driver leaves. The box then explodes with a cartoon kaboom, revealing a leather-clad wrestler in heavy makeup. “Whoo! I’m the KISS Demon! I need to pee!” Taken a back, Borden points him to the men’s room. She then looks around pissed off and screams “Alright, who ordered the KISS Demon? I’m looking at you Deacon.” The came swishes around to find Deacon and Giant Gonzalez putting the rooster on top of the still damp kitten. “Look at that big cock ride that wet pussy.” Borden knows that Deacon hired the KISS Demon to mess with her, but it’s not going to work. In fact, she’s going to give the Demon a chance of a lifetime. A date with the Hilton sisters high on PCP and minus any prenups? No, a shot at the HSW World Title against the Sandman tonight. The KISS Demon returns from the can. “Yow! I’m the KISS Demon! Want to see my Love Gun?”

Segment Rating: 75%

Cut to the ring where Hard Workin’ Bobby Walker is out to face the FlockNest Monster. It seems that The Mysterious Entity is making the wrestlers pay to use the gimmicks he owns, since the HSW is hemorrhaging money (with Ahmed Johnson and a hypoglycemic on the roster how could we not be?). He doesn’t make enough on his janitor’s salary to purchase his own name, so he’s changing it to “Minimum Wage” Michael Wade (credit goes to Craig McClennan of the SJL for that name, but why he would want credit for that is beyond me). He just wants to mop floors and empty trashcans. He’s worked hard his entire life, but has never really been good at anything until now. He’s the greatest janitor ever, he likes being a janitor and now that fool FlockNest Monster has brought him into the ring. He tried to get Evan Karaigas to take his place tonight, but not even the marketing wizards of WCW ever thought to make a Hard Workin’ Bobby Walker mask. I know, because if there was one, I would have dressed up like him for every Halloween to this present day.

Segment Rating: 37%

BAD GIMMICKS A-GO-GO SINGLES MATCH

“Minimum Wage” Michael Wade vs Flocknest Monster.

Match Background: None.

The Match: THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Monster crushes Wade with a huge legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Monster goes for a splash but Wade puts the knees up. Michael Wade hits Monster. Running clothesline from Michael Wade was actually MIGHTY sloppy. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sloppy discus punch from Michael Wade barely connects on Monster. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Wade slams Flocknest Monster down. Monster is sure in trouble now. Flocknest Monster reverses a hip toss. Super kick by Flocknest Monster. There's a two count on the pin. Vicious kick to the teeth from Flocknest Monster. Pin, but Wade is out just before the three count. Flocknest Monster hits a rolling kick on Wade. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Monster just WAFFLES Wade with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Monster walks into a drop toe hold. Wade slams Flocknest Monster down. Monster is sure in trouble now. Flapjack from Wade on Monster. Tony Stetson comes running down the aisle with a chair! Wade and Flocknest Monster continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Tony Stetson slides in and blasts Flocknest Monster with a chair to the head! Stetson climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Michael Wade floors Flocknest Monster. Here it comes - Food Stamp Stomp, forget about it. 1....2...3! Michael Wade, having taken the victory thanks to the outside interference of Tony Stetson, goes over and shakes hands with him, showing that their plan was a success.

Winner: “Minimum Wage” Michael Wade

My Opinion: 1/4*. Be happy it's not a DUD.

(I honestly can’t take Dames seriously anymore after he was buying a discuss punch as a finisher. I think he’s a closet Kerry Von Erich fan. Note how the FlockNest Monster carried the whole match. We’ve traveled a long strange road my friend. I remember when your overness was 1 and the writers were bitching about me putting you over Alter Boy Luke who had an overness of 3. I’m getting all teary-eyed just remembering the good old days. Let’s move on.)

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 30%

Match Quality: 63%

Tony Stetson grabs a microphone post match as television stations across the country flip over to a Droopy the Dog marathon on the Cartoon Network. He realized last week that the HSW is not all about and all for the children, but no one seems to care. Everyone runs around just like they did, only slyer with the swearing and sexual innuendo (he calls talking about big cocks and wet pussy sly?). Someone needs to think of the children? Won’t someone think of the children? From now on he will! “Doin’ it for the Children” Tony Stetson is here to save you all. Cue collective groan and rolling of the eyes.

Segment Rating: 40%

“Carless” Mark Jindrak is called into SpongeBob BacklundPants office. He and Elizabeth Borden are there and they are not happy with him. Borden informs Jindrak that he is not a good person. How can he be a good person if he doesn’t own a car? We all now that people are defined and are only as worthy as their material possessions. Right kids? “Right! Now give us a dollar!” Borden doesn’t believe Jindrak should hold the You are a Good Person Title. He asks for a chance to prove himself. BacklundPants interjects by booking Mark in a handicap match with the Ding Dongs. Now run out to the ring, because we’re not holding this match for any later in the show. The fact that the Ding Dongs get out of the first half hour is disgraceful enough.

Segment Rating: 66%

A PUTZ, A YUTZ AND A CLUTZ HANDICAP MATCH

“Carless” Mark Jindrak vs Ding Dongs.

Match Background: This will be a 2 on 1 handicap bout. Mark Jindrak is the reigning You Are a Good Person champion, and has been since 20 September 2003.

The Match: Dong kicks the leg, knocks Jindrak down, and goes to work on it. Spin kick by Ding to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Ding scoops up Jindrak. Dong bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Covers for a quick two count. Jindrak walks into a face crusher variation. Has anyone's face ever really been crushed by one though? Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Ding Dongs whip Jindrak into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Jindrak charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Spear by Mark Jindrak. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Dong backdrops Mark Jindrak out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Dong. Dong hits a rolling kick on Jindrak. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Dong scoops up Jindrak. Ding bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Covers for a quick two count. Mark Jindrak pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Powerbomb on Ding. Mark Jindrak drives Ding into the corner. Splash Mountain, forget about it. 1....2...3!

Winner: “Carless” Mark Jindrak

My Opinion: Not good enough to earn an entire star. 3/4* for you.

(Those match reviews crack me up just for using the word “dong.” Look for Dong to be in line for a major singles push in the near future. Mark Jindrak celebrates, because he gets to keep the You are a Good Person Title. It’s not like beating the Ding Dongs are a major accomplishment. Cut to Elizabeth Borden whacking SpongeBob BacklundPants with an oversized purse for booking such a stupid match. And what does Lizzy keep in her oversized purse? Her Dong of course.)

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 40%

Match Quality: 70%

Arachniman drew the short straw and had to go get food for the buffet table tonight. Good thing you can feed an army at Taco Bell for four bucks. Who wants Gorditas? Honky Tonk Orton takes exception with his choice, it’s not deep fried, slathered in peanut butter or served on the belly of a thirteen year old with a side of mayo. Arachniman and Orton argue. Arachniman hears the sounds of “I Love the Night Life” and turns around to find the Disco Ducks allegedly sneaking up on him while doing the New York Bus Stop Hustle. Orton shakes his head and yells at them. How are they supposed to be good lackeys, if people hear their music blaring from a mile away when they’re trying to sneak attack someone. Arachniman can’t control himself, possessed by the hot Latin rhythms and begins boogying with the Ducks. (C’mon, it’s El Dandy, disco is Latin enough for him, and I’m surprised Microsoft Word recognizes boogying as a word.) The three form a soul train line while Orton eats his burrito and grumbles.

Segment Rating: 51%

FRASIER CRANE’S PSYCHIATRIC NIGHTMARE TAG MATCH FOR THE HSW TAG TEAM TITLES

The Really, Really New Midnight Express vs Jimmy Jack Spock and "Tatanka".

Match Background: This match is for the HSW World Tag titles. The Really, Really New Midnight Express have been HSW World Tag champions since 03 September 2003.

The Match: Harry Smith connects with a back heel kick on "Tatanka" and gets back up quickly. Harry hits a dropkick on "Tatanka" and gets right back up. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Harry Smith and Orlando Jordan. Harry Smith scoops up "Tatanka". Jordan bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. There's a two count on the pin. Jordan slams "Tatanka" down. "Tatanka" is sure in trouble now. "Tatanka" powers out of a headlock. "Tatanka" hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Covers for a quick two count. Tag to Jimmy Jack Spock. Nice piledriver on Jordan. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Running knee lift from Jimmy Jack Spock. Jordan counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Spock gets splashed in the corner. Tag to Harry Smith. Harry hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Tag between Jimmy Jack Spock and "Tatanka". Hard back suplex on "Tatanka". Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. "Tatanka" charges, Harry moves, and the referee is knocked silly! "Tatanka" knocks Harry to the outside. While calling for the Mecca Toad Splash, Harry Smith slides back in, carrying the ring bell! He swings, but "Tatanka" avoids it and hits a kick to the gut. "Tatanka" grabs the bell and smacks Harry Smith over the head with it! The referee wakes up to see "Tatanka" making the pinfall: 1....2....3! Forget about it. Another referee comes running down the aisle, and points out to the first official that "Tatanka" used the ring bell as a weapon. The referee reverses the decision! "Tatanka" has been disqualified! "Tatanka" \ Spock don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack The Really, Really New Midnight Express, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends.

Winners: The Really, Really New Midnight Express

My Opinion: Well, hello there *1/4 rating, how are you?

(Dusty Finish! Everybody drink. Post match, Hypoglycemic Harry Smith attempts to steal “Tatanka’s” pudding. “Tatanka” spazzes out and jumps around, inadvertently doing a rain dance. It looks like it’s pouring down in buckets inside, but it’s just Fat Rhymes hanging out in the rafter sweating from the exertion of breathing.)

Overall Rating: 66%

Crowd Reaction: 64%

Match Quality: 69%

IS THAT A BADD-BLASTER IN YOUR POCKET ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME SINGLES MATCH

Honky Tonk Orton vs Arachniman.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Double arm suplex by Arachniman connects as Orton hits hard. Orton blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Spinebuster by Honky Tonk Orton. Brutal sit out powerbomb on Arachniman! Honky Tonk Orton moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Shake Rattle and Orton. 1....2...3, it's finished. Honky Tonk Orton goes into the crowd, where he celebrates his victory

Winner: Honky Tonk Orton

My Opinion: *1/4 rating. Don't be upset. There are people in third world countries who can barely afford one star, let alone one and a quarter.

(Orton had to get this match over with in a hurry, because that burrito he ate earlier was backing up on him. He rushes to the can to find “Minimum Wage” Michael Wade in there in a contamination suit and a lead box he’s putting waste in. Good lord the KISS Demon has some nasty poop. Wade thinks he’ll sell it to the Iraqis to make weapons of mass destruction. Orton runs into the women’s restroom. Lady Victoria is changing Chris Nowinski’s pants on the diaper changing station. He can’t be bothered to wipe his own ass you know, that’s what girlfriends are truly for. Remember poop humor and women making sandwiches = ratings.)

Overall Rating: 65%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 70%

Sandman walks through the back, heading to the ring for his match with the KISS Demon. Terry Funk flies in out of nowhere and clocks Sandman with the See ‘n Say of Pain and Discombobulation as presented by Playskool. The cow goes moo, bizznitch! Kaos the Blue Fairy pops out of a cake that was being wheeled up to the luxury box where Jim J. Bullock was enjoying the show for his birthday and attacks Funk. Funk follows up with the Tickle Me Elmo of Damnation and Hell Fire, but his cuteness is lost on the evil of Sandman and Kaos. Now, if it was a Teletubbie, Kaos would eat that up with a spoon. Sandman and Kaos beat down Funk until a production assistant signals that they’ve eaten up enough time until the next commercial break.

Segment Rating: 71%

THIRD SIGN THAT THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH SINGLES MATCH FOR THE HSW WORLD TITLE

Sandman vs The KISS Demon.

Match Background: Demon is making his debut at this show. He also works for XPW and RoH. Sandman has been feuding with Jimmy Jack Spock recently, who is a stable mate of Demon in DS 9. This match is for the HSW World title. Sandman has been HSW World champion since 03 September 2003.

The Match: The KISS Demon with a spinning neckbreaker on Sandman. Spear by The KISS Demon. There's a two count on the pin. Demon drops an elbow...but Sandman moves out of the way. Sandman hits some weak-looking punches in the corner, but The KISS Demon is able to block them and return the favor in spades. Sandman hits a weak elbow on The KISS Demon. Covers for a quick two count. Sloppy discus punch from Sandman barely connects on Demon. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Weak slam from Sandman sets Demon for something, but if it was as weak as that slam, then Demon has no worries. The KISS Demon powers out of a Sandman headlock. Nice piledriver on Sandman. Hooks the leg for a two count. The KISS Demon scores with a big spinebuster. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Rude Awakening neckbreaker on Sandman by Demon. Remember when that was a legit finish? Sandman just WALKS into a stiff lariat clothesline from Demon. Sandman counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Demon takes a couple of weak clotheslines. Sandman connects with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Does everyone use that move these days? The KISS Demon slams Sandman, who rolls onto his stomach. What is Sandman doing? The KISS Demon picks him up and signals for a powerbomb. He raises Sandman up...but then falls backward, getting crushed by his opponent in the process! Sandman is on top! 1....2....3! Looking at the replay, it appears that Sandman had taken a chain out of his tights and wrapped it around his fist! The KISS Demon must have been punched with that chain while in mid-powerbomb! What a cheap shot! The fight has started up again! Sandman attacks Demon, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting.

Winner: Sandman

My Opinion: One SOLE bright spot in this match keeps it from going into DUD territory. 1/4*.

(Actually it was a Slinky Sandman took from Terry Funk. You know, when the friggin’ KISS Demon has to carry your ass in a match, it’s time to hang up the boots and go on the book signing tour. Cat’s out of the bag, but I was going to probably debut the new stable on the next show. Remember, when I first started my old XPW fed, Funk and some people were already part of a stable called Enterprise. Since this is a third rate ripoff, we’ll rename the stable after a third rate ripoff as well. Hey, I liked DS9 don’t get me wrong. At least I didn’t name them Janeway’s Wrongway Runaways.)

Overall Rating: 64%

Crowd Reaction: 68%

Match Quality: 55%

Overall Show Rating: 58%

TV Rating: 1.32

Attendance: 402 kids under the age of 12 who don’t get the KISS Demon at ALL.

October 7, 2003

You are an evil man Frost

WrestlingDeacon · October 15, 2003

HSW Rainbow Fun Hour for Saturday, September 27th, 2003

Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Jon Ian and the Deacon

THE MEGA-POWERS UNITE TAG MATCH

“Doin’ it for the Children” Tony Stetson and “Minimum Wage” Michael Wade vs Ding Dongs.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Ding takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Michael Wade DDTs Ding, but it just looked terrible. There's a two count on the pin. Wade tags out to Tony Stetson. Tony Stetson scoops up Ding. Wade bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Ding takes a couple of weak clotheslines. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tony Stetson DOESN'T take a page out of Andre the Giant's book and hits an incredibly weak headbutt on Ding. Ding kicks Tony Stetson in the gut to reverse the momentum. Power drive elbow by Ding. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Tag to Dong. Implant DDT by Dong! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Lightning kick by Dong on Stetson. Tony Stetson once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Tag to Michael Wade. Michael Wade hits an ugly looking bulldog off the ropes. Side suplex from Wade. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Michael Wade hits a right hand on Dong and follows it up with a couple more. Wade charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. SUPER frankensteiner on Wade, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Flocknest Monster comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Michael Wade turns around. Flocknest Monster slams Wade down. Flocknest Monster climbs to the top rope and hits the Moonsault! Monster leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three for Dong, Wade got pinned. Stetson \ Wade are left down and out in the ring thanks to the attack of Ding, Dong and Monster.

Winners: Ding Dongs

My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it.

(Tag team wrestling is redefined here. The match was pretty good, just the kids were more interested with the pet rock we put in their “HSW Fun Pack.” Just give the girls fifty bucks and point them at the nearest Goodwill and you would be amazed what they come back with for those things. The ten sets of Don Ho rocks glasses were an uber find. See, the match was so damn boring, I can’t even make fun of it and I have to pull out a weak gag. Although, seeing Dames gush over the greatness of Dong never gets old.)

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 68%

FlockNest Monster grabs a microphone and begins yapping while Wade and Stetson are still down on the mat. “These two think they can get the best of me. They can’t. I’ll tell them and all of you out there a few things right now…” Cut to the back where T’Pol is holding a sign that says “The Mysterious Entity is not Rob Black. Would we lie to you about something like that?” The KISS Demon walks up with toilet paper trailing off of his boot. “Yowza! I’m the KISS Demon, want to see my Plaster Caster!” T’Pol knows who he is. She’s his manager. “Whoo-Ha! I’m the KISS Demon! I have a manager?” Deacon asked T’Pol to take him on, because his mic skills aren’t that stellar. “Ramma-Lamma-Ding-Dong! I’m the KISS Demon, I have great mic skills.” The “needless exposition” sign flashes on and T’Pol explains how she is in cahoots with the Deacon and that the DS9 stable is dedicated to bringing the HSW back to what it was. They also want to make Lizzy Borden bash her head into walls while she drools like Supreme at the Jell-O factory. “Bop-she-bop-bop! I’m the KISS Demon! That’s kosher with me!” T’Pol instructs him to run out into the arena and take care of the FlockNest Monster. Cut back to the scene in the ring. “…And that’s how the Nazis built Walter Mondale. I won…” Monster is cut off as the Demon hits the ring and we’re on like Donkey Kong.

Segment Rating: 77%

GENE SIMMONS WET DREAM SINGLES MATCH

The KISS Demon vs Flocknest Monster.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Reverse DDT on Monster. The KISS Demon moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Love Gun. 1....2...3, it's finished. Monster is pounding the canvas with punches, shouting about how unfair everything is.

My Opinion: Not good enough to earn an entire star. 3/4* for you.

(Hey, FlockNest Monster, you just got squashed by the KISS Demon. What are you going to do now? Tuck into the fetal position and suck my thumb? No, silly, you’re going to DisneyLand because they’re our primary sponsor. Man, if the above isn’t RAW booking, then paint my ass purple can call me Rico.)

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 46%

Match Quality: 69%

Chris Nowinski is in the ring with the three HSW “good girls” (because we can’t call them divas) Elizabeth Borden, Lady Victoria and T’Pol. We thought that a bikini contest would be a little too much for the kids. We don’t need the boys going home and asking their parents what the funny squishy feeling in their tummy is. Uh, that would be botulism. Arachniman got us a deal on some frozen burritos out of Tijuana. So, instead, we’re going to have a sandwich making contest. Each woman has the full compliments of the Cooking with Gonzalez kitchen and Nowinski will be the judge of who makes the best sandwich. Through the miracle of cooking show magic, all the women have to do is open up the oven and the sandwich is already prepared. Lady Victoria has decided to go with the classic Italian sub. “Hmm…this mayo is a little…different.” “How dare you eat other women’s sandwiches. You jerk! That’s not mayo, it’s a little leftover from what you gave me this morning.” Cut to the Disco Ducks dressed up like seamen and dancing to “In the Navy” for the really weird innuendo. Elizabeth Borden did not make a sandwich. Not because she’s an independent woman of high morals, but because she didn’t feel worthy of the task by not being barefoot and pregnant. That is the true goal of every woman, you know. Nowinski then tries T’Pol’s sandwich, which is green and purple and smoking. “What’s this meat? It’s a little slimy.” “That would be Denivian Slime Devil.” “Hence the slimy.” Nowinski washes his mouth out with clorox and declares Lady Victoria the winner. If only to make her happy so they can play hide the salami later tonight. Cut to Lady Victoria crawling out from under a couch. “I found the salami.” “Good, now make me a sandwich.” Cut back to the ring where Nowinski is berating T’Pol for her Vulcan cooking skills. “Ha! With the those culinary skills you might as well be a three eyed Andorian.” Before we alienate fans further with lame Star Trek references, the Great Chetti-Etti storms the ring to protect his manager. Hey, where’s the KISS Demon to do that? Cut to the KISS Demon’s feet showing out from beneath a bathroom stall. A loud flatulent noise is heard. “Wow-ow! That slime devil wrecks your colon.”

Segment Rating: 88%

Chetti and Nowinski are brawling in the ring while the women stand off to the side pleading for peace. Giant Gonzalez comes down to the ring. To break up the fight? No, to yell at all these bozos for stealing his cooking show and making the sandwiches he’s been trying to do for weeks now. Gonzalez choke slams Nowinski, but Chetti distracts him with the old multiple hankies out of the pocket trick. Borden grabs a microphone and books Nowinski vs. Chetti for later tonight. Uh, why did Gonzalez need to come out then? Well, Michael Eisner has a soft spot for the big lug and demands that we see him at least every other show. In the old HSW we’d cut to some hellacious BUTT sex between Eisner and Gonzalez, but we are now kinder and gentler. Plus, I don’t want to get sued. That damn house of mouse has spies everywhere.

Segment Rating: 65%

THAT IS A PHASER IN MY POCKET, BUT I AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU

Jimmy Jack Spock vs Kaos the Blue Fairy.

Match Background: Kaos has been feuding with Terry Funk recently, who is a stable mate of Spock in DS 9.

The Match: Spock slams Kaos the Blue Fairy. Spock walks into a drop toe hold. Kaos the Blue Fairy kicks the leg, knocks Spock down, and goes to work on it. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. DDT from the top rope by Kaos the Blue Fairy. That looked KILLER. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is out and can't count to three! Spock reverses a Kaos the Blue Fairy hammerlock. BIG clothesline on Kaos. Full nelson slam on Kaos. Hooks the leg for a two count. Death valley driver by Jimmy Jack Spock! No one executes that move properly anymore. Pin, but Kaos is out just before the three count. Kaos the Blue Fairy pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Spock is down! Pin, but Spock is out just before the three count. Spock blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Kaos the Blue Fairy is in trouble. Kirk Jerk!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Kaos is pounding the canvas with punches, shouting about how unfair everything is.

Winner: Jimmy Jack Spock

My Opinion: Usually, this is designated for good matches that were usually way too short for some reason. What's your excuse? *3/4

(How does the ref catch a wild right hand when he’s working the leg? Maybe he was working that Ronnie Garvin punch the knee psychology. The Kirk Jerk is a slingshot suplex. Not that you care. Post match, we cut to the Disco Ducks still dancing to “In the Navy.” Bilvis Wesley then walks in holding a flashing neon sign that reads “Kaos is as gay as a picnic basket.”)

Overall Rating: 66%

Crowd Reaction: 77%

Match Quality: 69%

Elizabeth Borden is going over the books for the month. “$600 for the Unfathomable Slag to get his back waxed?” Lady Victoria comes in with a sandwich as a peace offering. She’s sorry she was so upset during the contest. She does get a bit jealous at times. Borden says it’s understandable. “It’s understandable, because my man is such a hunk-a-saurus! You hussy!” Victoria chokes Borden out like Andre on Bob Eucker, but quickly regains her composure. Victoria wants to be the special guest referee for the upcoming main event. We’re running long on time because of all the sandwich shenanigans, so yeah. Knock yourself out.

Segment Rating: 78%

WATCH ME MAKE YOUR WORKRATE DIASSPEAR SINGLES MATCH

Chris Nowinski vs The Great Chetti-Etti!.

Match Background: This will be a special guest referee bout. Lady Victoria will be the referee for this match. Chetti and Nowinski are currently feuding. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud.

The Match: The Great Chetti-Etti! takes a right hand to the temple from Nowinski. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. Nowinski strikes away at The Great Chetti-Etti!, not doing much damage at all. Chetti gets splashed in the corner. Chetti takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Nowinski charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Hard back suplex on Nowinski. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Lightning kick by Chetti on Nowinski. Hooks the leg for a two count. Chris Nowinski powers out of a The Great Chetti-Etti! headlock. Chris Nowinski hits an ugly looking bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Chris Nowinski scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Could have been done a hell of a lot better though. Pin, but Chetti is out just before the three count. Chetti powers out of a headlock. STIFF high kick on Nowinski by The Great Chetti-Etti!. Nowinski blocks a kick from The Great Chetti-Etti!. Chetti gets splashed in the corner. The Great Chetti-Etti! gets taken over with a headlock. 1.2.3! His shoulders were down just for a second, and that was all Lady Victoria needed to make a super fast count! I don't think the fight has finished. Chris Nowinski and Chetti have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view.

Winner: Chris Nowinski

My Opinion: Hmm. Only gets * from me.

(Man, Chetti jobbed to a headlock takedown. Even FlockNest Monster is laughing at him. At least he took a man’s finisher. That match didn’t score too well. I guess the chemistry was off, or the kids were just sick to death of this storyline. I promise a moratorium on women making sandwiches jokes from now on. I will have to define the Nowinski and Victoria relationship in new and exciting ways. Maybe she can knit him a sweater?)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 62%

Match Quality: 67%

Overall Rating: 65%

TV Rating: 1.34

Attendance: 420 kids under the age of 12 who don’t get the significance of 420 at ALL.

October 15, 2003

My God, a HSW show with no DUDs and a match over one star? We have hit the MOTHER LODE!!!

Chris Nowitski is my most favorite character with his rampant machismo, although its way fake. I'm so waiting for Vicky to go into a hold out and take the rightful woman position of dominance.

I need a HSW to other names dictionary. Cause I've totally lost track of who Jimmy Jack Spock is and which one is Dong. Don't even ask me who Evan Kuragious is anymore.

WrestlingDeacon · October 15, 2003

Jimmy Jack Spock=Shawn Stasiak

Arachniman=El Dandy

The Unfathomable Slag=Naked Mideon

Paunch Estrada=Jorge Estrada

Honky Tonk Orton=Randy Orton

Ding=Alter Boy Luke

Dong=Alter Boy Matthew

random masked jobbers=Evan Kariagas

"Tatanka"=Supreme

Bank One=Garrison Cade

"Minimum Wage" Michael Wade="Hard Workin' Bobby Walker

FlockNest Monster=Juantastico

Barney the Deli Worker=Abdullah the Butcher

Davey Man Smith=Chad Collyer

The Nitroglycerin Kid=Matt Stryker

T'Pol=Vanessa

Fat Rhymes=Ahmed Johnson

Leperchaun Larry=The Drunk Irishman

The Musical Rabbi=Shawn Candido

The Great Chetti-Etti=Chris Chetti

By the way, the next show will be the monthly ppv: Love and Reese Cups.

October 15, 2003

Dude, this rules all. If mine, *coughbelowcough* could be half this good, I'd feel awsome.

WrestlingDeacon · October 16, 2003

HSW Love and Reese Cups for Sunday, September 28th, 2003

Live from the Butter Peanut Butter Forest near the Chocolate River at the foot of the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Jon Ian and Tod Keneley

I HOPE I’M NOT PAYING FOR THIS OPENING SINGLES DARK MATCH

“Doin’ it for the Children” Tony Stetson vs Flocknest Monster.

Match Background: None. (Shame on Dames for not keeping up with my storylines)

The Match: Monster takes a couple of weak clotheslines. Powerslam from Tony Stetson on Monster. There's a two count on the pin. Flocknest Monster is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Flocknest Monster kicks the leg, knocks Stetson down, and goes to work on it. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Hooks the leg for a two count. Diamond Dust from Flocknest Monster and Stetson is out! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Flying elbow from Flocknest Monster connects. Stetson reverses a waistlock. Messed up bodyslam by Stetson almost kills Monster. Hooks the leg for a two count. Flapjack from Stetson on Monster. Pin, but Monster is out just before the three count. Monster takes a couple of weak clotheslines. Tony Stetson connects on Flocknest Monster with a flurry in the corner...but no one seems to care. Tony Stetson gets taken down out of nowhere! Stetson takes a flying neckbreaker from Flocknest Monster. Power drive elbow by Flocknest Monster. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Flocknest Monster has Tony Stetson down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Moonsault!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over.

Winner: FlockNest Monster

My Opinion: DUD. I refuse to say any more about it.

(He goes to work on the leg by dropping a leg on the back of the head. Seriously, is Ronnie Garvin working as a trainer for us or what? “Tony Stetson connects on Flocknest Monster with a flurry in the corner...but no one seems to care.” It’s funny, because it’s true. Post match, Stetson reaffirms to the snoring fans that he’s “doin’ it for the children.” What? Losing? He’s jobbing for the children. Life sucks then you die, Tony’s just making sure that they know this. FlockNest Monster is pumped up by the win, until he remember that this doesn’t even close to making up for getting turned into one of those inflatable clown punching bags by the KISS Demon.)

Overall Rating: 45%

Crowd Reaction: 34%

Match Quality: 56%

YEAH, I FEEL MUCH BETTER ABOUT PAYING FOR THIS SINGLES MATCH

T'Pol vs Lady Victoria.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Standing leg lariat by T'Pol on Lady. STIFF high kick on Lady by T'Pol. T'Pol just WAFFLES Lady with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! There's a two count on the pin. Second rope flying axe handle, Lady goes down. One day, T'Pol might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Hooks the leg for a two count. T'Pol charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Lady Victoria connects with some weak punches on T'Pol. Covers for a quick two count. Lady Victoria DDTs T'Pol in a move that is so poorly executed, you can actually see that T'Pol's head didn't touch the mat at all. T'Pol pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Lady walks into a face crusher variation. Has anyone's face ever really been crushed by one though? T'Pol has Lady Victoria down on the canvas. Vulcan Death Grip!!! Lady Victoria taps out! T'Pol remains in the ring, celebrating the victory.

Winner: T’Pol

My Opinion: DUD. That's about all I can say without getting into obsenities.

(Check out that crowd reaction. There was all this jiggling and rolling around and the boys don’t really know why, but wow was it awesome. T’Pol is launching all these lads into puberty. Maybe I should bring back the breast flavored tea. Wait, kids don’t drink tea. Yo-hoo! Breast flavored Yo-hoo! I’ll make millions! Elizabeth Borden socks me in the mouth to bring me to my senses. And for the match being a DUD, Dames really OVERUSED capitalization to EXPRESS excitement where there WAS NONE! )

Overall Rating: 76%

Crowd Reaction: 90%

Match Quality: 45%

EVEN SENILE STAN LEE ISN’T PSYCHED FOR THIS SINGLES MATCH

Arachniman vs The Unfathomable Slag.

Match Background: Slag and Arachniman have been feuding recently. Arachniman has yet to get an in-ring victory in this feud.

The Match: Slag slams Arachniman down. Arachniman is sure in trouble now. Weak bodyslam by Slag. There's a two count on the pin. Slag walks into a drop toe hold. Slag gets caught with a belly to belly suplex from Arachniman! Arachniman drives a thrust kick into the chest of Slag. Hooks the leg for a two count. Northern Lights Bomb very nearly crushes the spine of Slag! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Slag gets caught with a short powerbomb from Arachniman. Slag counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Weak bodyslam by Slag. Covers for a quick two count. Side suplex from Slag. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Arachniman gets splashed in the corner. The Unfathomable Slag hits a right hand on Arachniman and follows it up with a couple more. Arachniman powers out of a headlock. Arachniman drives a thrust kick into the chest of Slag. Wicked suplex out of the corner from Arachniman, is executed so well, it hurt MY back. Arachniman scores with a forearm, sending Slag down into the corner. The referee pulls Arachniman away to get the break. Wait! Slag has pulled something out of his tights. Arachniman walks over...and gets floored by a punch! No, the referee saw the brass knuckles! We have DQ decision! Arachniman offers a handshake to Slag...and he accepts it! No! The Unfathomable Slag levels Arachniman with a cheap shot right hand! The Unfathomable Slag floors Arachniman. The Unfathomable Slag signals - Naked BUTT Drop! Arachniman has been floored after the match.

Winner: Arachniman

My Opinion: One SOLE bright spot in this match keeps it from going into DUD territory. 1/4*.

(And you know what that sole bright spot was? The Naked BUTT Drop. That is the greatest finisher known to man, next to Repo Man’s double axe handle. It’s even more deadly now that Mideon is a hideous man monster. How that’s different from what he was before, I don’t know. I also have no clue why Arachniman would accept a handshake after winning by disqualification. “You booked it that way.” Shut up!)

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 59%

FOUR WAY CLUSTERFREAK FOR A SHOT AT THE HSW TAG TEAM TITLES

Chris Nowinski and Honky Tonk Orton vs Ding Dongs vs Irish Wolfhounds vs Subdued Flamboyance

Match Background: This will be an elimination bout. Chetti and Nowinski have been feuding recently. So far, Chetti hasn't managed to get a pin or submission over Nowinski since the feud started.

The Match: Ding kicks the leg, knocks Smith down, and goes to work on it. Implant DDT by Ding! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Tag to Dong. Standing leg lariat by Dong on Smith. Covers for a quick two count. Smith pushes out of a Dong hold. Smith tags out to Chris Nowinski. Chris Nowinski strikes Dong with a hard blow. Chris Nowinski DDTs Dong, but it just looked terrible. Tag between Chris Nowinski and Honky Tonk Orton. Nowinski \ Orton whip Dong into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Covers for a quick two count. Dong once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Orton walks into a high dropkick from Dong, almost losing several teeth in the process. Tag to The KISS Demon. Honky Tonk Orton takes a butterfly suplex from Demon. Covers for a quick two count. Orton tags out to Dong. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Demon goes down. Demon reverses a Dong hammerlock. Demon hits a piledriver on Dong. That used to end matches, you know. The ref gets into position, administers the three count, and it's over. The KISS Demon pins Dong. Demon walks into a high dropkick from The Nitroglycerin Kid, almost losing several teeth in the process. Tor-NADO DDT from The Nitroglycerin Kid, Demon got planted! Pin, but Demon is out just before the three count. Kid tags out to Chris Nowinski. Chris Nowinski strikes The KISS Demon with a hard blow. Tag to Davey Man Smith. SUPER frankensteiner on Demon, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Springboard dropkick from Davey Man Smith. Nicely done. Cover gets three for Davey Man Smith, Demon got pinned. Powerbomb on Smith. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! BIG clothesline on Smith. Smith kicks Honky Tonk Orton in the gut to reverse the momentum. Smith uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! There's a two count on the pin. Smith tags out to The Nitroglycerin Kid. Irish Wolfhounds hook up Orton, then hit a double suplex. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Spin kick by The Nitroglycerin Kid to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Orton blocks a punch. Tag between Honky Tonk Orton and Chris Nowinski. Powerslam from Chris Nowinski on Kid. Chris Nowinski scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Could have been done a hell of a lot better though. Davey Man Smith can barely stand. Double Underhook DDT! 1....2....3.

Winner: Nowinski and Orton

My Opinion: It was close to a ** match, but I just can't stand too many blown spots. *3/4

(76% match quality is a *3/4 match? What crawled up Dames BUTT and died. Smart money says Haku, when was the last time somebody saw him. Or maybe we got that because Ding went to work on the leg with an implant DDT. Or maybe it’s because Dames buys a punch as a finisher, but not a piledriver and we use it as one. I’m just going to stop even commenting on that, because it makes my brain hurt. “Chris Nowinski strikes Dong with a hard blow.” There’s a joke in there somewhere. Kaos: “You have a tag team of a guy in face paint and leather and a dude with multi-colored hankies and a garish fashion sense and I’m gay. I meant, I’m gay? That was a question, because I’m not gay. Not that I’m questioning whether I’m gay, because I’m not. I’m not gay. Uh, I need to go eat a steak and watch The Longest Yard.”)

Overall Rating: 67%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 76%

RANDOM SINGLES MATCH OF RANDOM RANDOMNESS

Paunch Estrada vs Hypoglycemic Harry Smith.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Estrada goes down. Harry just WAFFLES Estrada with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Harry Smith hits a rolling kick on Estrada. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Harry uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Estrada blocks a kick from Harry Smith. Hard back suplex on Harry. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Super kick by Paunch Estrada. There's a two count on the pin. Estrada walks into a drop toe hold. SUPER frankensteiner on Estrada, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. There's a two count on the pin. Diamond Dust from Harry Smith and Estrada is out! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Estrada ducks a wild right hand. STIFF high kick on Harry by Paunch Estrada. Harry backdrops Paunch Estrada out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Harry Smith. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Paunch Estrada tries to get a big slam, but it is blocked when Harry goes to the eyes! Harry Smith quickly scores with a field-goal kick between the legs! Paunch Estrada collapses! The referee didn't see the illegal blow! 1...2...3! Paunch Estrada got screwed! Harry Smith slides out of the ring to the floor, then turns and leaves through the crowd. He's happy to have the win, and evidently isn't going to hang around for Estrada to get some payback.

Winner: Hypoglycemic Harry Smith

My Opinion: These guys worked SO HARD...for a ** rating. Something went wrong somewhere, didn't it?

(Hell, no! **, crack open the champagne. Smith requested this match and they give me the match of the night. Expect something a little extra in the pay bucket at the end of the week. *Sniff* “What is this shrimp?” *munches it down with glee, then eats the bucket*)

Overall Rating: 69%

Crowd Reaction: 60%

Match Reaction: 78%

SUPREME ASKED FOR THIS SINGLES MATCH BECAUSE HE THINKS THE BOSS MAN IS THE KOOL-AIDE MAN

"Tatanka" vs Boss Man.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Boss Man hits a right hand on "Tatanka". Boss Man hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Covers for a quick two count. "Tatanka" blocks a kick from Boss Man. Wack kick from "Tatanka". "Tatanka" with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Boss Man. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. Covers for a quick two count. Sloppy discus punch from "Tatanka" barely connects on Boss Man. Pin, but Boss Man is out just before the three count. "Tatanka" slams Boss Man down. Boss Man is sure in trouble now. "Tatanka" charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Boss Man hits an ugly looking bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg for a two count. Boss Man turns "Tatanka" inside-out with a clothesline. Reminds me of Willow's 'Bored Now' skin ripping finisher. Inside joke, don't worry about it. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Boss Man with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on "Tatanka". One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. "Tatanka" hits a punch, but takes one right back. Again! A slugfest erupts in the ring! "Tatanka" fights out of a grapple. Boss Man takes a right hand to the temple from "Tatanka". "Tatanka" DDTs Boss Man. "Tatanka" has Boss Man down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Mecca Toad Splash, forget about it. 1....2...3! Honky Tonk Orton comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Honky Tonk Orton spins "Tatanka" around. Honky Tonk Orton hits the Shake Rattle and Orton! "Tatanka" has been left down on the canvas.

Winner: “Tatanaka”

My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it.

(Ok, not quite as good results here. Then again it’s two fat, slow guys with a combined IQ totaling Gonzalez’s shoe size. Then again, 280EEE would probably make you pretty smart. Someone send Dames a memo, no inside jokes in the fed that is one big inside joke to myself.)

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 67%

FOUR CORNERS MATCH OF FLOWERS AND SUNBEAMS FOR THE HSW YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TITLE

“Carless” Mark Jindrak vs Bank One vs Repo Man vs Ostentatious Orlando Jordan.

Match Background: This will be a four corners bout. Repo and Jindrak have been feuding recently. So far, Repo hasn't managed to get a pin or submission over Jindrak since the feud started. This match is for the You Are a Good Person title. Mark Jindrak has been You Are a Good Person champion since 20 September 2003.

The Match: Jordan takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Orlando Jordan takes a right hand to the temple from Repo. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. Covers for a quick two count. Powerslam from Repo Man on Jordan. Jordan counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Big kick from Jordan staggers Repo but that's about it. Covers for a quick two count. Weak bodyslam by Jordan. Hooks the leg for a two count. Orlando Jordan misses a clothesline. Repo Man hits BO. Tag to Bank One. Jordan takes a flying neckbreaker from Bank One. Bank One hits a shaky delayed suplex on BO. Davey Boy Smith is looking down from heaven...and shaking his head in disapproval. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Diamond Dust from Bank One and Jordan is out! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Tag between Bank One and Mark Jindrak. Orlando Jordan charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Brutal sit out powerbomb on Jordan! There's a two count on the pin. Running knee lift from Mark Jindrak. Covers for a quick two count. Jordan walks into a side slam. Think about how much talent it takes to side slam someone. Nash can do it. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Jordan tags out to Repo Man. Repo hits a piledriver on Mark Jindrak. I know I wouldn't let someone that bad give me a piledriver. Running clothesline from Repo Man was actually MIGHTY sloppy. A weak headbutt on Jindrak by Repo causes nothing but pain for both. Mark Jindrak pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Mark Jindrak scores with a standing spinebuster. Mark Jindrak sets Repo Man up in the corner. Splash Mountain, forget about it. 1....2...3!

Winner: “Carless” Mark Jindrak

My Opinion: I'll give a 3/4 star rating, but only if you promise to improve as a booker.

(Jindrak continues to buck the odds and hold onto his belt. If this keeps up I’ll have to upgrade his putz gimmick to either dweeb or spazz. Post match, Bank One and Repo Man’s eyes lock and they skip off to foreclose on an orphanage. A match made in heaven. Ostentatious Orlando Jordan skips after them. I’d call that whimsy. You’re not even trying anymore.)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 49%

Match Quality: 65%

THIS IS THE SUB-MAIN AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY WE SUCK

Terry Funk vs Kaos the Blue Fairy.

Match Background: Funker and Kaos have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud.

The Match: Kaos receives some punishment by Terry Funk but with that horrid offense, we're the only ones truly being punished. Kaos the Blue Fairy is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Standing leg lariat by Kaos the Blue Fairy on Funker. Kaos the Blue Fairy misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee accidentally! DDT from the top rope by Kaos the Blue Fairy. That looked KILLER. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out! Funker counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Terry Funk strikes Kaos the Blue Fairy with a hard blow. Powerslam from Terry Funk on Kaos. There's a two count on the pin. Flapjack from Funker on Kaos. Pin, but Kaos is out just before the three count. Kaos pushes out of a Terry Funk hold. Flying cross body off the top rope! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Funker pushes out of a Kaos the Blue Fairy hold. The referee tries to separate the two grapplers...and gets knocked over and trampled on as they brawl! That's enough, the referee calls for the bell - double DQ! The fight has started up again! Terry Funk attacks Kaos, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting.

Winner: the status quo

My Opinion: *1\2 rating. Hey, you wanted to make it harder on yourself, right?

(C’mon, that was a good match too. Despite the crap finish, but we have to protect Terry Funk. Hence, all the childproof locks and baby gates backstage. I think Dames just doesn’t get the fed. Dames is holding me down. Dames is HHH. So, that makes Banky Stephanie right?)

Overall Rating: 70%

Crowd Reaction: 71%

Match Quality: 69%

THE SINGLES MATCH THAT KILLED THE OLD HSW AND MIGHT DO IT AGAIN FOR THE HSW WORLD TITLE

Jimmy Jack Spock vs Sandman.

Match Background: Sandman and Spock have been feuding recently. This match is for the HSW World title. Sandman has been HSW World champion since 03 September 2003.

The Match: Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Jimmy Jack Spock ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Sandman comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Sandman connects with some weak punches on Jimmy Jack Spock. Sandman misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee accidentally! Sandman connects with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Does everyone use that move these days? Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out! Jimmy Jack Spock once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Rude Awakening neckbreaker on Sandman by Spock. Remember when that was a legit finish? Spear by Jimmy Jack Spock. Covers for a quick two count. Death valley driver (not to be confused with the DVD 500) by Jimmy Jack Spock connects and Sandman is down! Pin, but Sandman is out just before the three count. Sandman comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Messed up bodyslam by Sandman almost kills Spock. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Jimmy Jack Spock powers out of a Sandman headlock. Kaos the Blue Fairy comes running down the aisle with a chair! Sandman goes to irish whip Jimmy Jack Spock into the ropes. Kaos prepares to swing the chair...but Jimmy Jack Spock reverses! Kaos accidentally smacks Sandman with a chair to the back! Jimmy Jack Spock has Sandman down on the canvas. Here it comes...Vulcan Death Grip! Sandman taps! Sandman and Kaos are beating the hell out of Jimmy Jack Spock! Terry Funk sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Sandman, exchanging punches, while Jimmy Jack Spock comes back, sending Kaos out of the ring with a clothesline. Funker \ Spock have cleared the ring, driving off Sandman and Kaos!

Winner: Jimmy Jack Spock

My Opinion: Sadly, a 1\2* match.

(We have a new champion! Sandman’s been the champ forever. Mostly due to injury to his challengers, lack of challengers, rebooting of feds and getting me drunk on malt liquor and promising to keep the title on him. We now enter a new and exciting phase of HSW. September might be over, but it’s just the beginning of SPOCKTOBER~! Yeah, I stole that off of Conan O’Brien. Call him about it why don’t you.)

Overall Rating: 73%

Crowd Reaction: 81%

Match Quality: 56%

Overall Show Rating: 66%

Attendance: 2251 kids who were promised Reese Cups, but were just given stale Zagnut bars.

October 22, 2003

Bump... to the Extreme!!!

I dedicate my DiarySlam entry (AWA is Back!--Although I hear no one missed it...) to the FlockNest Monster.

October 31, 2003

Bumpin' again because we can never let go.

Supreme...

WrestlingDeacon · October 31, 2003

I promise an update this weekend. I actually have it half written up. Some weeks I wind up with more free time than others. Honky Tonk Orton says relax. Man, that would make a good t-shirt.

WrestlingDeacon · November 10, 2003

HSW Pretty Kittens for Wednesday, Spocktober 1st, 2003

Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Kevin Kelly and Tod Keneley

Honky Tonk Orton and Chris Nowinski arrive at the arena, chauffeured by the Repo Man in Mark Jindrak’s car. Hey, if he’s going to buy the car from the bank, he has those payments to make too. They walk into the building discussing strategy for their tag title shot later tonight. “You do that messed up slam thing you do and I’ll do that messed up looking suplex I do and then we’ll botch a spiked piledriver…” Deacon walks up with a long skinny microphone and asks them if they would care to trade their tag title shot for what’s behind curtain 1, 2, 3, or what Giant Gonzalez has under the box he’s bringing out now. Not really liking each other that much, they decide to go for it. Orton takes curtain one and gets a World Title shot against Jimmy Jack Spock. Nowinski takes curtain two and gets a You Are a Good Person Title shot against “Carless” Mark Jindrak. Hey, can he do that? Well, since Elizabeth Borden and her posse isn’t here tonight he talked SpongeBob BacklundPants into letting him have the book for old times sake. Cut to Borden, Kaos and Sandman back at the foot of the chocolate river where the last ppv was held tied to a peanut butter tree. Kaos and Sandman are trying to eat through the tree to free them. “God, where’s Fat Rhymes when you actually need him.” Cut back and Deacons says that the tag title shot against the Really, Really, New Midnight Express will go to the runners’ up of the tag elimination match at Love and Reese Cups, Subdued Flamboyance. Hold on! The Irish Wolfhounds come in and say they were the runners’ up. Oh really? Let’s go to the tape. Doctored footage is shown of Orton pinning the KISS Demon and then cutting off. On the ring apron where the Wolfhounds should be is a polar bear in a sombrero. Deacon doesn’t want to cause a riff with the pair, so he’ll let them choose either curtain 3 or the box. They take the curtain and get a gimmee match against the Disco Ducks, winner gets a tag title shot next show. Yeah, they’ve heard that before. Gonzalez asks if he can have what’s in the box. Sure. A George Forman grill! Rad!

Segment Rating: 73%

DON'T LOOK AT US, WE GAVE THE WORLD U2 TAG MATCH

Irish Wolfhounds vs Disco Ducks.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Smith hits a dropkick on Disco Machine and gets right back up. SUPER frankensteiner on Machine, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Tag between Davey Man Smith and The Nitroglycerin Kid. Implant DDT by The Nitroglycerin Kid! I will always and forever mark out for that move. There's a two count on the pin. Vicious kick to the teeth from The Nitroglycerin Kid. Tag to Davey Man Smith. Irish Wolfhounds whip Machine into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Pin, but Machine is out just before the three count. Disco Machine comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Machine tags out to Disco Fury. Smith just EATS a swinging neckbreaker slam from Disco Fury. Disco Fury scores with a face jam on Davey Man Smith. Disco Fury tags out to Disco Machine. Disco Ducks hook up Smith, then hit a double suplex. Machine hits a spinning back kick. All those spinning kicks look alike, don't they. Machine tries to channel the power of Kawada, but ends up channeling the power of Trish Stratus instead by hitting a high kick on Davey Man Smith. Tag between Disco Machine and Disco Fury. Disco Fury just FLATTENS Davey Man Smith with a hard right hand! Smith backdrops Disco Fury out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Davey Man Smith. Tag to The Nitroglycerin Kid. Disco Fury takes a NICE hurrancarana from The Nitroglycerin Kid. Irish Wolfhounds have Disco Fury to themselves. Stereo Super Kick! 1....2....3! It's over.

Winners: Irish Wolfhounds

My Opinion: Usually, this is designated for good matches that were usually way too short for some reason. What's your excuse? *3/4

(No way Disco Ducks get past curtain jerking and no way they win. You might think I book in advance, but I don’t. Seriously, no shit, I have no idea what I’m doing. You all must be shocked. I can’t have four heels fighting over the tag belts and I needed to do something with Subdued Flamboyance, so voila. Post match, The Ducks try to get funky but have cantaloupes thrown at them. Who would have given the kids cantaloupes? “Uh, you did boss.” Shut up, Gonzalez and grill me a tuna steak.)

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 41%

Match Quality: 78%

“Carless” Mark Jindrak is at the buffet table shoveling cocktail shrimp in his mouth before Hypoglycemic Harry Smith decides to load up before his match. Lady Victoria walks by and comments Jindrak on his fine shrimp eating skills like he Proctor in “Police Academy.” (now that’s an obscure reference). Jindrak is caught off guards. Women don’t usually go for him, what with him not owning a car and all. Oh, who needs a car? Victoria finds a man with an intimate knowledge of the bus schedule damn hot. She continues to flirt with Jindrak with the all the enthusiasm one saves for caulking their bathroom tiles. Ok, that’s enough, Nowinski walks up and sucker punches Jindrak in the yaboos. He attempts to drown him in a vat of cocktail sauce and officials’ rush to break them up. Not really, they just heard that Smith and Rhymes were both moving that way. Nowinski struts off triumphantly. Lady Victoria waves at Chris and whistles. “Hello, I sat him up. I’m your girl. Don’t you want a sandwich? Hey, pussy over here.” Deacon runs up and tells her to start meowing. Hey, he knows which side his bread is buttered on now. Disney don’t love them hoes.

Segment Rating: 68%

T’Pol and “Tatanka” are in the back to set up a match with The Unfathomable Slag. T’Pol tries to build “Tatanka” up, but Terry Funk wanders in and says it’s dinnertime. T’Pol rolls her eyes and lifts up her shirt so he can breast feed. Hey, breast-feeding is a natural part of life. Blow me Disney. “Tatanka” tries to cover by screaming, “Tatanka, Mighty Buffalo!” He then tries to do a war dance, but it looks like the Pips back up moves for “Midnight Train to Georgia.” The sweet sounds of suckling takes us to commercial break. “This tastes like Lipton.”

Segment Rating: 95% (the miracle of life=ratings)

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT BREAST FEEDING, BUT THIS SINGLES MATCH SHOULD MAKE YOU CURL INTO THE FETAL POSITION AND SUCK YOUR THUMB

"Tatanka" vs The Unfathomable Slag.

Match Background: None.

The Match: The Unfathomable Slag with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on "Tatanka". One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. The Unfathomable Slag hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Covers for a quick two count. "Tatanka" blocks a kick from The Unfathomable Slag. The Unfathomable Slag takes a right hand to the temple from "Tatanka". I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. The Unfathomable Slag takes a right hand to the temple from "Tatanka". Covers for a quick two count. Side suplex from "Tatanka". Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Running clothesline from "Tatanka" was actually MIGHTY sloppy. "Tatanka" misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Weak bodyslam by Slag. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sloppy discus punch from The Unfathomable Slag barely connects on "Tatanka". Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Weak bodyslam on "Tatanka" by Slag sets up a legdrop. "Tatanka" takes a right hand to the temple from Slag. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. "Tatanka" fights out of a grapple. "Tatanka" with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Slag. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. "Tatanka" DDTs The Unfathomable Slag. The Unfathomable Slag gets knocked to the ground by "Tatanka", who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Through the air, Mecca Toad Splash! 1....2....3. The Unfathomable Slag looks furious. The referee walks over...and gets blasted with a clothesline! Slag has lost it!

Winner: “Tatanka”

My Opinion: I'll give a 1\2* rating because they were actually able to hit a couple of spots.

(Supreme asks for matches against people, because he says they’ll be awesome and then they suck. I would hate to book him against someone he doesn’t like working with. Hell, he claims to love the Slag and nearly killed his ass three times. I need to bring Scott Steiner in and take out life insurance policies. I’ll make a killing. Post match, the Slag takes out “Tatanka.” T’Pol tries to help, but that’s a little hard to do with a fifty-five year old man hanging off your tit for dear life. Ask Catherine Zeta-Jones about that too.)

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 61%

T’Pol shuffles back to the interviewing area rubbing her breast and not in that Christian Aguilera skank ho you can’t bang, but don’t really want to anymore way either. She’s joined by the KISS Demon trying to shove a bottle of Toilet Duck down his pants to make his piece look bigger and The Great Chetti-Etti shaking the rabbit poop out of his top hat. She seriously doesn’t get paid enough to deal with this shit. “Ok, yeah, Midnight Express, we’re going to win, you’re going to lose. Cool, let’s go to the ring.” T’Pol walks off. Chetti gives a surprised “Tada!” and follows her with the KISS Demon in tow. “ Whoa-Wow! I’m the KISS Demon! This junk is burning my junk!”

Segment Rating: 70%

DO NOT ADJUST THE SANITY BUTTON ON YOUR T.V. SETS TAG MATCH FOR THE HSW WORLD TAG TITLES

The Really, Really New Midnight Express vs Subdued Flamboyance.

Match Background: This match is for the HSW World Tag titles. The Really, Really New Midnight Express have been HSW World Tag champions since 03 September 2003.

The Match: Demon hits a punch, but takes one right back. Again! A slugfest erupts in the ring! Big kick from Jordan staggers Demon but that's about it. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between Orlando Jordan and Harry Smith. The Really, Really New Midnight Express hook up Demon, then hit a double suplex. There's a two count on the pin. Hard back suplex on Demon. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Demon blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! The KISS Demon hits a stalling suplex on Harry. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between The KISS Demon and The Great Chetti-Etti!. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Harry is down! Pin, but Harry is out just before the three count. Chetti uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Harry reverses a The Great Chetti-Etti! hammerlock. Chetti takes a flying neckbreaker from Harry Smith. Tag to Orlando Jordan. A weak headbutt on Chetti by Jordan causes nothing but pain for both. Tag between The Great Chetti-Etti! and The KISS Demon. Big kick from Jordan staggers Demon but that's about it. The Really, Really New Midnight Express have The KISS Demon to themselves. Double Goozle! 1....2....3! It's over. Irish Wolfhounds come running down the aisle and into the ring! Jordan turns...and gets floored by a clothesline. Harry walks into a vicious boot to the face. Irish Wolfhounds set him up, and nail the Stereo Super Kick! Jordan is grabbed...and he gets hit with the Stereo Super Kick as well! Irish Wolfhounds have done a number on them!

Winners: The Really, Really New Midnight Express

My Opinion: I'll give it a *3/4 rating. If you think of it like currency, it's a 1.75. You can't even take the subway with that anymore here. Work harder man.

(Post match, the KISS Demon attempts to contain the madness with his Toilet Duck. Smith cuts him off by eating it. This produces projectile vomiting that even grosses out Linda Blair. Now that cleared the ring. T’Pol leaves with the Wolfhounds to get stinking drunk on Jameson’s.)

Overall Rating: 68%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 75%

Lizzy Borden stalks through the back covered in chocolate with ropes hanging off of her. Certainly not the first time. She stalks into SpongeBob BacklundPants office to find him fiddling with something on his desk. Borden yells about Deacon tying her and her boys up and she knows he's taken over the show tonight. Backlund whistles until Borden wants to know what he's messing with. "Deacon gave me this really neat watch for letting him book tonight. He got it out of a box of Cookie Crisp. It can tell you the temperature on the moon and how much Paris Hilton spends an hour on STD medicine and everything." Borden shakes her head and asks what time it is. What? The watch doesn't tell time silly girl. Borden shrieks and drags Backlund off by the wrist.

Segment Rating: 85%

I KEEP MY JUMBO SHRIMP IN MY PANTS SINGLES MATCH FOR THE HSW YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TITLE

Chris Nowinski vs Mark Jindrak.

Match Background: Nowinski has been feuding with The Great Chetti-Etti! recently, who is a stable mate of Jindrak in DS 9. This match is for the You Are a Good Person title. Mark Jindrak has been You Are a Good Person champion since 20 September 2003.

The Match: Weak bodyslam on Jindrak by Nowinski sets up a legdrop. Big clothesline from Nowinski. There's a two count on the pin. Chris Nowinski gets taken down out of nowhere! Mark Jindrak connects with rights and lefts and Chris Nowinski is down! Running knee lift from Mark Jindrak. Hooks the leg for a two count. Spear! Nowinski is down! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Mark Jindrak with a spinning neckbreaker on Nowinski. Jindrak charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Nowinski hits a piledriver on Mark Jindrak. I know I wouldn't let someone that bad give me a piledriver. Covers for a quick two count. Chris Nowinski turns Jindrak inside-out with a clothesline. Reminds me of Willow's 'Bored Now' skin ripping finisher. Inside joke, don't worry about it. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Chris Nowinski strikes Mark Jindrak with a hard blow. Nowinski strikes away at Mark Jindrak, not doing much damage at all. Nowinski walks into a drop toe hold. Mark Jindrak with a spinning neckbreaker on Nowinski. Death valley driver by Mark Jindrak! No one executes that move properly anymore. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Jindrak turns...and falls for the distraction! Chris Nowinski runs at Jindrak from behind...but misses! Chris Nowinski collides with Lady Victoria! Chris Nowinski gets whipped into the turnbuckles by Jindrak. Splash Mountain! 1...2...3! Jindrak retains the title. It's not finished, however, as the two start up again and brawl to the back.

Winner: "Carless" Mark Jindrak

My Opinion: Do you know what * means? It's the equivalent of buying your favorite soft drink, looking under the cap and seeing 'Sorry, Try again.' At least you got the soft drink.

(Good lord, they threw more punches than Ronnie Garvin on coke. How I wish I could get the master of the Garvin Stomp and the Hammer Jammer in this game. The match is so boring I prattle on about Ronnie Garvin. And I've already done the joke about a match being so boring that I complain about something else on another show, that's how fucking boring this is. Nice to see Dames and I agree for once. I'm still not buying the discuss punch as a finisher though.)

Overall Rating: 65%

Crowd Reaction: 59%

Match Quality: 67%

Borden and Backlund find Deacon making Fat Rhymes and Hypoglycemic Harry Smith dance the ballet finale from "An American in Paris" for a half eaten pork chop. Deacon smiles at the chocolate covered, half tied Borden and is pleased to see her returning to her roots. Gonzalez whispers, "Her roots? I tell ya' boss those drapes sure don't match the carpet." Borden tells Deacon that BacklundPants has an announcement to make. "Hey, if I push this button I can hear recorded messages from Kirk Cameron." Borden slaps the watch out of his hand. SpongeBob BacklundPants announces that he will be the special guest referee for the Spock/Sandman rematch at the month ending ppv, Spocktoberfest! That's it? Borden stalks off and Terry Funk chases after her while dragging T'Pol by the wrist. "CHOCOLATE MIIIILLLKKKK!!!"

Segment Rating: 69%

MAYBE PEOPLE WON'T NOTICE THIS IS THE SAME SINGLES MATCH AS THEY HAD LAST TIME FOR THE HSW WORLD TITLE

Honky Tonk Orton vs Jimmy Jack Spock.

Match Background: This match is for the HSW World Title. Jimmy Jack Spock has been the HSW World Champion since 28 September 2003.

The Match: Jimmy Jack Spock connects with rights and lefts and Honky Tonk Orton is down! STIFF~! chop lights up Orton who covers up to try and stop the agonizing PAIN! BIG clothesline on Orton. Running knee lift from Jimmy Jack Spock. Orton powers out of a headlock. Bodyslam by Orton. Full nelson slam on Spock. Covers for a quick two count. Spock reverses a waistlock. Spock hits a piledriver on Honky Tonk Orton. That used to end matches, you know. Hooks the leg for a two count. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Jimmy Jack Spock just KILLS Honky Tonk Orton! Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Orton kicks Jimmy Jack Spock in the gut to reverse the momentum. Orton slams Jimmy Jack Spock. Orton walks into a drop toe hold. Spock slams Honky Tonk Orton down and motions to the crowd. Sandman runs down the aisle and into the ring. Sandman spins Spock around. Sandman hits the White Russian Legsweep! The referee calls for the DQ because of the interference of Sandman! Orton and Sandman are beating the hell out of Jimmy Jack Spock! "Tatanka" sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Honky Tonk Orton, exchanging punches, while Jimmy Jack Spock comes back, sending Sandman out of the ring with a clothesline. "Tatanka" \ Spock have cleared the ring, driving off Orton and Sandman!

Winner: Jimmy Jack Spock

My Opinion: Some blown spots really drag this match down a notch, so its ***1\2 for you.

(Actually this pretty much is the same match as the one they had last time. My computer messed up from where I had this saved to a disk so I could write at work. It's not like I actually do real work there or something. Considering that my computer is a Furby hooked up to a car battery and started with a lawn mower cord, errors don't surprise me. The tail end of the match was saved from the run-in on, but the rest is copy and pasted from the last time these two faced off. Couldn't tell the difference could you? That's so WWE and so very, very sad. Somewhere Don Leo Jonathan weeps......or is dead. I'm not sure which.)

Overall Rating: 84%

Crowd Reaction: 82%

Match Quality: 86%

Overall Show Rating: 73%

T.V. Rating: 1.31

Attendance: 428 prepubscent young boys who are surprisingly thirsty

November 29, 2003

i'm not saying anything...i don't want to rush the creative process...just a friendly neighborhood BUMP.

EWR 4.0 HSW 2.0 Diary! Still Better Than Yours!

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