your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 8/28/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

So I went over to the Corner Cafe to get a porkloin sandwich. In the afternoon, it's a place where young urban professionals take their 2 year old kids and put them on barstools while they hoist back an overpriced microbeer. My waitress was young and tall. She was strikingly beautiful and was holding one of the patron's babies in her arms and it reminded me of my old girlfriend. We were in college and she was a redhead. One of the two summers we had together, she spent with her parents in the Mojave. They were Catholic so her mother had just had another babay, a boy- also a redhead. She would send me pictures of herself holding her infant brother and I thought about how that's how she would look with our child in her arms. But we young and we weren't in love enough to sustain a relationship for that to ever happen. The waitress brought me the porkloin and it started to rain. I walked home in it and it was yet another Blade Runner day this week. My blood from my lip will seep into my shot of tequila later tonight, I'm assuming.

 

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Eddy with the bowling shirt talking to his fellow El Paso-ites was really great. Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, motherfucker. Grandma beating another Grandma's ass to be a US citizen made me weep. They offer up John Cena and I wonder if Eddy has his carrying shoes with him. DON'T TALK ABOUT ABOUT HIS RAZA, MOTHERFUCKER! Eddy is over like a motherfucker and you can tell that Cena respects Benoit and Eddy by the way he bumps in the set-up for the match.

 

- Rey Rey is defending the title? WHaaaa? Maybe he and Nunzio will take it to the mat. Hey, they do. Oh, then they go low-grade lucha libre with the rana and twisting pescada. It goes straight into a Basic WWF Match but Rey Rey makes it slightly transcendent by being so stylish. The powerbomb counter of the Springboard Frankensteiner leads to a nice nearfall section to lead up to the Guillotine finisher. This would be a good little feud- as these two look like they could go 15 and it would be swanky. This was too short to be swanky, but Rey Rey is so good that even these minor matches are better than they should ever deserve to be.

 

- Chris Benoit on my TV screen is always fabulous. A-Train is with Sable and Tazz makes a "caboose" joke and we all laff and laff and laff. I was filled with laufter as were you! Benoit does the Benoit-Carries-Meng match and A-Train is a far better Meng, so this should be good, right. Yeah, fuck it. If Sable wore that skirt into the back of my stretch limo, I'd fuck her. And she'd like it and then she'd love it! LOVE ME! LOOOOOOOOVE ME! Did I say Sable? I meant A-Train. Mmmmmm... burly.... Match was kinda quick and perfunctory. A-Train is waaaay under the ropes and it fucks up the ending. But how could I ever be mad at a hairy burly hairy burly man? How could I? I put down my Philip K Dick compendium and toast a load across my Rutger Hauer commemorative Roy Batty Hardee's glasses. Postmatch, they set up the Benoit vs A-Train fued in a very ECWish way by having Benoit become the World's Greatest Tommy Dreamer and Rhyno being the least talkative Raven. A-Train is the sexiest Stevie Richards ever.

 

-APA comes out and doesn't help Eddy with his car. Eddy beats the shit out of the FBI. Ron Simmons doesn't talk to him about the positive power of masturbation, so this wasn't as great as it could have been. We all are just happy that there is no clubbing. No forearms assume the role of a club. The clubbing with forearms doesn't come about. There were no clubbing forearms.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

 

"Hey Baron... yeah I know it's late... no everything is fine. Well, actually... no calm down it's no emergency... Look. Can you come over? My brother is pretty fucked up... NO, he hasn't done anything yet. Listen. His insane girlfriend called up here and I think she's coming over.... yeah. come on over if you could. I just don't want to be alone with them when she gets here... yeah, sure... don't worry... yeah...okay, cool."

 

Melissa is drunk and angry and banging on the front door. Jennifer runs to the front door to meet her. "Goddamit, Melissa, you want the neighbors to call the police?!"

 

"Look Jennifer, just get your fucking brother so I can smack his filthy rotten face. WHERE IS HE?"

 

"Melissa, just calm down and watch how you talk to me, you drunk bitch."

 

"Look, you little stuck up slut. Just because I... fuck your brother... doesn't mean you ain't still a little skank. Get the fuck out of my way...."

 

"Slut? You call me a slut? Oh FUCK THAT!" Jennifer throws Melissa on the ground and starts a furious barrage of fists that smash into Melissa's blue eye-shadowed eyes and chalky blush-coated cheeks. Melissa rolls over on top of Jennifer and starts smacking her in the face. Melissa snarls like a hellcat and screams a hellish banshee sceam. Baron rushes through the door.

 

"VAT ARE YOU DOING! YOU WILL STOP NOW!" Baron drags Melissa off Jennifer and Jennifer kicks Melissa in the leg as Baron drags her off.

 

"You fucking BITCH! I'll fucking kill you!" Jennifer screeches this as she continues trying land more kicks.

 

"Fuck you.... you....you...you.........WHORE!"

 

"Whore? Whore? you call me a whore? WHORE?!?! WHORE!??! Fuck this shit, YOU DIE!"

 

Jennifer jumps on Melissa and buries her fist in Melissa's face. Baron grabs Jennifer and tacklers her to the couch. Rob rushes in and grabs Melissa. "What the fuck are you doing? Get in the fucking car." Rob grabs her by the elbow and shoves her out of the house and down the driveway to her car. He slams the car door. "You stay the fuck right there until I get back!" Rob comes back in to talk to Jennifer and Baron. "Y'all allright? That bitch is fucking crazy... oooh..... uh... Jesus. What the fuck happened?"

 

"Zay vere fighting. Punching, kicking, smacking... pulling hair. I sink zey vere about to start ripping zere clothes off..."

 

"Really? That's fucking AWESOME!"

 

"Yes, actually. I vas awesome. In a repellent yet alluring way." Rob and Baron laugh and Jennifer starts to smile as she tries to stop her nose from bleeding.

 

"You guys are fucking pigs."

 

"Mein Jennifer, you... you TRULY are a hellcat. I haf never been more attracted to anyone..."

 

"Oh PLEASE.... anyway.... y'know.... Thanks for coming over and all. Sorry about my redneck family." Jennifer feels her rage leaving too soon so she wheels around to her brother. "Rob, go tend to your SLUT BITCH of a girlfriend. Tell her if she steps foot in this house again I'm kicking both your fucking asses. And YOU better REALIZE that too!"

 

"Sorry Jenn. You know what a bitch she can be... uhhh...ohh...yeah... yeah lemme go.... Yeah, let big daddy go make it right...."

 

Rob leaves the house and gets in Melissa's gold Dodge Duster.

 

"My brother is gonna end up fucking her toinight. You know he will. God, she is such a fucking slut hag bitch and he is such a fucking puss-whipped idiot."

 

"Vould it be stupid for me to kiss you now?" Baron has a whole brand new level of love for young Jennifer- a wild love he wasn't expecting and a love that is new to him- and it delights him.

 

- Cena rules it for blading early- though it never actually bleeds much. Eddy is really over in El Paso and is quite the fabulous technico- all the while carrying the match like a great rudo. The match was a good little match because Eddy works for two, Cena doesn't fuck anything up or ruin it with too much of his shitty offense, and Cena actually sell sometimes. The ending sucked but I would dig this fued. Eddy with the 2 alarm bladejob and the cool bump into the tire. Cena with the true heel heat finally.

 

- UT outworks Lesner. Fuck it. UT fucking rules. HAJI GAY TOMMY! Soupbones? What? Chairs! Posting! Lesner doesn't blade on the posting so he temporarily sucks. After the commercial, we'll see if UT is old school enough to blade after the two chair shots. Ah, he didn't. NO MUGA DESIGNATION FOR YOU ANYMORE! God knows Fujinami would have blown a bucket of blood out of his head for less. JUJY GOT AMY! This match has waaaay too many Nodawas in it. Big Show is good against Brock for some reason. He goes up for the suplex like a really fat useless version of Vader and he is building good will. More Nodawas, more three-way saves. UT sells a finisher like the other two don't. Big Show is up top but they fake everyone out with UT getting the Last Ride and the pin. I am strangely REALLY looking forward to UT vs Angle. Weird. UT the superworker. Weird.

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

 

- Seething Angry Brock is as boring as regular Brock on the stick. He is now doing a variation on the "Ball-Headed Geek!" gimmick and that's a little pathetic for such gigantic monster heavyweight. And it kinda goes on and on. Angle comes out and sucks as a face and I hate it. Angle is sooooooooo much better as the whiny little bitch. They set up the title picture and I get to write an Al Wilson episode FOR YOU, the beloved reader. Jeff Gaylord comes out in a skirt and plugs Scott Keith's book before setting up a truly shitty three-way that I have to watch later.

 

- AT THE SUMMERSLAMS, They show Sable trying to spray her burning vaginal spray into UT's eyes! UT is used to leathery strippers trying to take advantage of him and turns the tables. Robert Gibson runs out and starts punching Sable in the face. ROCK AND ROLL! ROCK AND ROLL!

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Are you one to suggest that the Undertaker is turning into a Grade B Akira Taue on us?

 

The great great great abuelita that Eddy's great great great abuelita beat up? Yep, that was mine...I still laughed, though...

[Lord of The Curry 0]

So DEAN, what do you think the forthcoming tag team of Rhyno and A-Train should be called?

 

R-Train? Traino? Help me out on this one.........

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

So DEAN, what do you think the forthcoming tag team of Rhyno and A-Train should be called?

 

R-Train? Traino? Help me out on this one.........

Burle-Traino!

 

DEAN

[Ultra Violence 0]

Anal Horn

[caboose 0]

A-Train is with Sable and Tazz makes a "caboose" joke and we all laff and laff and laff.

What the fuck?

 

Anyone care to explain this joke.

 

(Just for the record, YES, I know its not about me)

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

A-Train is with Sable and Tazz makes a "caboose" joke and we all laff and laff and laff.

What the fuck?

 

Anyone care to explain this joke.

 

(Just for the record, YES, I know its not about me)

Sable came out with A-Train and he said something about A-Train being A-Train but Sable having the caboose! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! It was a great moment for laufter.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Goodear]

WHAT WORKED-

 

Shoot what didn't work? EVERYTHING WORKED! See what happens when shows have a focus or two and they let the people do stuff in the ring to play off that focus? Good stuff that contains my bitterness nice and snug on Monday Nights...

 

- Rey Rey is defending the title? This would be a good little feud- as these two look like they could go 15 and it would be swanky. This was too short to be swanky, but Rey Rey is so good that even these minor matches are better than they should ever deserve to be.

 

I was getting the smallest of Rey/Dean Malenko buzzes off this pup as Nunzio was all trying to hold Rey on the mat and putting on the holds but while at the same time keeping them short so Rey could still get the crowd all kablammy. But still the jones still exists to see the top rope gutbuster to come out of mothballs... of course I jones for a bunch of stuff to come out of mothballs like a Chuck Palumbo punch. I miss Chuck

 

- Chris Benoit on my TV screen is always fabulous. A-Train is with Sable and Tazz makes a "caboose" joke and we all laff and laff and laff.

 

I love me some A-Train versus Benoit cause you just never know what FUCKED up move Train is going to pull out of his hairy ass next that Chris will lovingly slurp up. First its the damned Muscle buster... then a wheelbarrow chinlock slam thingee... now a delayed butterfly facebuster!!! What in the hell is up with that shit Dean-O? What is up with that???

 

No forearms assume the role of a club. The clubbing with forearms doesn't come about. There were no clubbing forearms.

 

No clubbing forearms... no punches that cut like a knife... and no Bullys... this show makes me weeeeeeeeeeep.

 

- Cena rules it for blading early- though it never actually bleeds much. Eddy is really over in El Paso and is quite the fabulous technico- all the while carrying the match like a great rudo. The match was a good little match because Eddy works for two, Cena doesn't fuck anything up or ruin it with too much of his shitty offense, and Cena actually sell sometimes.

 

Seriously, I know Cena is not a good worker. I know he's not on Eddie's level... but I just don't care. It's like you watch him and you're all "do do do..." and don't notice the suck. He's stealth sucky. Sucky in the blackest night of Singapore... It's like Roddy Piper version 2 up in here.

 

- UT outworks Lesner. Fuck it. UT fucking rules. HAJI GAY TOMMY! Soupbones? What? Chairs! Posting! Lesner doesn't blade on the posting so he temporarily sucks. I am strangely REALLY looking forward to UT vs Angle. Weird. UT the superworker. Weird.

 

I am left with the impression that Brock Lesnar has superpowers. How else does he get into matches with people that suck and not have sucky matches? HOW! The Big Show over and over and over again! Johnny Stamboli for the love of god! Freaking Randy Orton!

 

Brock = Superman... I mean it

 

THERE IT WENT

 

GOODEAR

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I love me some A-Train versus Benoit cause you just never know what FUCKED up move Train is going to pull out of his hairy ass next that Chris will lovingly slurp up.

JIMINY CRICKETS! The most disturbing sentence ever written in the English language! GODSPEED, YOUNG GOODEAR!

 

I await more of the hateful Goodear next week.

 

DEAN.