rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0 Report post Posted October 10, 2003 WRESTLING CLASSICS! So, here’s the deal. I’ve been looking for something to do while I’m looking for a job, and trying my hand at wrestling re-caps seemed as good an idea as any. However, living in the UK means that I don’t get WWE wrestling till the weekend after you guys, and as for other promotions? Forget about it! However, there is one thing us Brits get that I haven’t seen reviewed anywhere. And more than that, it’s so out of date, it doesn’t matter if someone’s reviewed it before me. Because every Thursday, Sky Sports treats us to “WWE Wrestling Classics”. However, this being WWE they don’t give us classics, or even WWE wrestling. Instead, we get World Wide Wrestling, a 1hr long program of WCW squashes. And this, dear reader, is what I’m gonna review for you. So sit back, relax and enter a time when Scott Steiner could actually wrestle… WORLD WIDE WRESTLING: May 12 1991 (My 9th birthday for those of you counting) Tony Shiavone & Gordon Solie welcome us to the show, which is a hype job for the following weeks PPV: the original Superbrawl. They hype it as the biggest night in the company’s history so far and, for once, they’re right. So, onto the first match-up: 1st match: The Steiner Brothers (WCW Tag Champions) vs Kevin Katlyn & Pat Powers For those of you who don’t know, The Steiners used to be good. Damn good. However, this cannot excuse the fact that they come to the ring in bright pink leotards that look like Jackson Pollock threw up over them. Scott starts off against Katlyn. Armdrag, dropkick, belly to back suplex, and in the first 20 seconds he’s already shown better moves than he has in the whole of 2003. Tag to Rick while Tony and Gordon hype Lex and Sting vs Steiners at Superbrawl. Katlyn escapes to tag Powers in. Rick roughens him up a bit before making the tag to Scott. Nice tilt-a-whirl by him before he puts Powers up on hiss shoulders to set him up for a top rope bulldog from Rick. Scotty gets the pin for a squash win in a little over a minute. Sad to see how the two have deteriorated over the last twelve years. AD BREAK We return to Lex and Sting (with the manly white and pink face-paint) hyping up their match with the Steiners. Apparently, this is a battle of friends as Sting calls Rick his bro (while some bint screams off camera), while Lex mumbles something about this being about friendship. Whose clever idea was it to let Lex speak? Bastards. 2nd match: “The Natural” Dustin Rhodes vs Bob Cook, Bob Cook is a manly man with a beard, and if it wasn’t the for the fact that he’s a generic jobber I’d be more than willing to go back in time and become his man-whore. Oh shit, they’ve started fighting. Dustin with a fireman carry before a hip-toss, some Irish whips into the corner and another hip-toss into an arm bar. Dustin is apparently in the “York Foundation”, which means he has Mr. Hughes (a big black guy with in a suit) and Alexandra York outside the ring. Alexandra taps away on a “laptop” which looks like a ZX Spectrum without the monitor. The combination of this new-fangled technology and the fact that Alexandra is wearing glasses and a suit means that we miss half the match while the production team indulge their manly impulses. When we return we see an atomic drop and running and lariat from Dustin before a bulldog finishes Bob Cook off. Bob lays on the floor and wonders where his life went wrong, but I don’t have time to tell him because we’re straight off to our next match! 3rd match: Ric Flair (WCW champion) vs Rick Ryder. Before, we get to the match, Ric cuts a promo with lots of woos and mumbling. I’m sorry, I tried my best but that’s the best I can do. Ric never was a silken voiced bloke was he, eh? Anyhow, the commentators bail me out and tell me that Ric is facing Tatsumi Fujinami at Superbrawl after he was humbled by him in Tokyo. Ric starts with some showboating hair flicks and struts before hitting a few punches and sending Ryder to the outside over the top rope. Nick Patrick calls for the bell. But Flair brings him back in and puts on a figure four with extra leverage from the top rope. Because he’s a Heel! You see? HE’S A BAD MAN! However, never fear because Flyin’ Bryan Pillman comes in for the save. Flair and Brian exchange chops in the corner, before Brian takes control and backs Ric into another corner for a mounted 10 punch, Brian backs off and sends Ric into the corner when he charges at him. They exchange chops again before Brian slaps Ric so hard it sends Flair over the turnbuckle to the outside. Flop to the floor and Ric gets escorted to the back by Randy Anderson, Nick Patrick and Bill Alfonzo. Now lets fly to the control centre, where some random dude runs down the Superbrawl card, which includes the following matches: The Freebirds vs The Young Pistols (For the WCW US Tag Titles) Dan Spivey vs Ricky Morton Nikita Koloff vs Tommy Rich Dustin Rhodes vs Terrance Taylor Big Josh vs Black Bart Tim Parker vs Oz Barry Windham vs Brian Pillman (in a "taped fist" match) El Gigante vs Sid Vicious (in a stretcher match) Ron Simmons vs Butch Reed (A "Thunderdome cage" match with Teddy Long in a separate cage suspended above their heads: NB this will be done at WMXX with Rodney Mack vs Mark Henry) The Steiner Bros. vs Sting & Lex Luger (For the WCW Tag belts) Bobby Eaton vs Arn Anderson (For the TV Title) Ric Flair vs Tatsumi Fujinami Not bad eh? We go to taped Steiner Brothers and, Sting/Lex promos, a hype job by DDP and Kimberly for a Diamond Mine segment with Sid and a Ric promo, which sounds exactly the same as the last one. Ah, bless. AD BREAK 4th match: We return to P. N. News, a 400-pound black guy with a sparkly baseball cap wearing spandex. If you ever want to show your kids how different things were in your day, show them a picture of this guy. He tells crowd to clap. They really don’t. As a punishment, he inflicts on them the worst rap ever: “I’d like to welcome you to the show Everybody knows it’s time to go Put your hands in the air Wave ‘em like you don’t care I’m a master rapper, I can bust a rhyme But I like to slam a jam most of the time When they go down 1.2.3. The ones left standing are my posse and me Yo baby yo baby yo” Seriously, this whole show is turning into a parallel universe where self-restraint was never invented. The lyrical genius is facing Terry Watson. Poor bastard. P.N. takes off his cap to reveal a mullet, and inside I die a little more. Shoulder block and belly to belly. P.N. goes up top and his music starts to play. He does a little tubby dance, and inside I cry a little more. Top rope splash for the three count, and P.N. is blown up like Scott Steiner after an Iron Man Match. Bless his little cotton socks…. Barry Windham and Brian Pillman do a duelling backstage promo, before we go back to the ring: 5th match: Terrence Taylor & Arn Anderson (TV champ) vs Tommy Rich and Big Josh. Josh is a hillbilly with an actual axehandle. He’s also the smallest man in the ring. I consider sueing him for ring-name-fraud, but somehow I don’t think he’s got that much money now. Josh is told to put axe handle outside as Rich and Taylor start us off.. Taylor and Anderson are apparently part of that rum “York Foundation” shindig, so they get Alexandra and Mr. Hughes outside. Apparently, that laptop contains information about all their opponents. This is a lie. Rich and Taylor trade armdrags before Rich dropkicks Taylor out of the ring. MORE hiptosses and Taylor tags out to Arn. Arn asks for Josh to be tagged in, and gets him. AA gets outpowered and put down by Josh. Arn forced into his own corner, tag to Taylor. Taylor powered down, and walked on by Josh. Is anybody still reading this? Fools. Taylor whips Josh but eats boot on the rebound. Rich tags in. Faces dominant. Taylor gets whipped into the corner, but Arn drags him out of the way of a charging Rich then tags in. Arn sticks the boot into Rich. Irish whip, but Rich hits a Lou Thesz press for a two count. That move looks so weird without the punches at the end. Taylor comes in with the laptop, which the ref misses while he’s dealing with Josh. Taylor tries to whack Rich with it, but Rich knocks it out of his hand. Rich tries to get the laptop for some revenge, but walks into a DDT onto the laptop by Arn for the three count. The heels clear out before Josh comes back in with his deadly axe handle. AD BREAK 6th match: Nikita Koloff vs Larry Santo Nikita outpowers Santo into corner, Irish whip and spinning elbow. Body slam. Nikita throws Santo out. Santo comes back in, before being thrown back out again and again. Koloff goes outside, and chucks Santo back in. A running clothesline gives him the 1-2-3. Nikita proves he’s evil with some elbow drops after. I know this is hard to believe, but my commentary was actually more exciting than this match.. Afterwards we get an interview with Koloff hyping a match against Tommy Rich. Nikita really looks like Goldberg here. He sounds and wrestles horribly too. 6th match: El Gigante vs Tony Mella. Fuck, Gigante’s sloppy. And fucking massive: he makes Fonzie look like a midget. Sloppy clothesline followed by a claw. That’s it. Afterwards Kevin Sullivan comes in (looking like a white Headshrinker I might add), and chains himself to a ringpost. The Angel of Death and then The One Man Gang both come in. and get claws before Sullivan finally levels Gigante with a chain. A 747 splash by Gang onto Gigante before Ron Simmons comes in for the save. When Farooq saves the day, you know it's time to kill the show, and mercyfully they do. It's still miles better than Raw though... And so ends my first attempt at writing a recap. Feel free to critique it, it’s the only way I’m gonna learn. But above all, remember: I love you… Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
