Explain THIS TO ME

[Guest Bottled Black]

Damn, I thought Zack was coming to put this thread out of its misery.

I'd rather see how he ties up all his loose ends before this thread gets killed. I figure it'll be worth a good laugh.

[Zack Malibu 0]

Yes, I too, want to see how this ends up. I swear, if rawmvp's next post starts with "As I type this Natalie and I are on a boat en route to Barbados" or some such happy ending nonsense, I'm going to chuckle. Not that I haven't already, but because this shit is so obviously plucked from movies/books/etc. that it seems that is what to expect from him.

[justsoyouknow 0]

If "The REAL TSM" can be a Classic Thread, I see no reason why this can't.

[Zack Malibu 0]

If "The REAL TSM" can be a Classic Thread, I see no reason why this can't.

You loved that thread.

[justsoyouknow 0]

I didn't love it, I was only interested in the sex.

[Guest rawmvp]

Hey guys, how are y'all doing?

 

This is for Zach -- Why would a thread about REAL-LIFE events be used for a script project ? Oh, I get it... This script is gonna be based on a true story -- my true story. Cool, I'm flattered.

 

Certain characteristics or traits become stereotypes for a reason. Some stereotypes, believe it or not, are just true...and you have to see Natalie's family to understand what I mean.

 

Expect the GARGANTUAN ANNOUNCEMENT tonight and the ASTRONOMICAL ANNOUNCEMENT a few days later.

 

Have a nice day.

[Zack Malibu 0]

If this is real, then Britney Spears is pregnant with my kid.

[Guest Bottled Black]

Can it be possible that one person is so starved for attention that they need to create a thread like this? If you had asked me before reading this I would've said no, but now I'd believe almost anything.

 

If this is real, then Britney Spears is pregnant with my kid.

Zach that may be the best line in all 27 pages

[Art Sandusky 0]

Why are these announcements a few days inbetween each, yet you continue to post normally? Shit, just tell us what happened if it's so earth-shattering.

 

And now there's an ASTRONOMICAL announcement?

 

The Universe says you suck.

[fazzle 0]

*just got done reading the entire thread*

 

Wow...it really jumped the shark after the boyfriend got screen time.

[Damaramu 0]

Hey guys, how are y'all doing?

 

This is for Zach -- Why would a thread about REAL-LIFE events be used for a script project ? Oh, I get it... This script is gonna be based on a true story -- my true story. Cool, I'm flattered.

 

Certain characteristics or traits become stereotypes for a reason. Some stereotypes, believe it or not, are just true...and you have to see Natalie's family to understand what I mean.

 

Expect the GARGANTUAN ANNOUNCEMENT tonight and the ASTRONOMICAL ANNOUNCEMENT a few days later.

 

Have a nice day.

*explodes*

IT'S NOT TRUE! WE KNOW YOU'RE FULL OF BS! OK!? STOP WITH THIS FACADE! NOW!

ADMIT IT'S FAKE AND THEN FINISH THE STORY UP!

ARGH!

[Silence 0]

Hey guys, how are y'all doing?

 

This is for Zach -- Why would a thread about REAL-LIFE events be used for a script project ? Oh, I get it... This script is gonna be based on a true story -- my true story. Cool, I'm flattered.

 

Certain characteristics or traits become stereotypes for a reason. Some stereotypes, believe it or not, are just true...and you have to see Natalie's family to understand what I mean.

 

Expect the GARGANTUAN ANNOUNCEMENT tonight and the ASTRONOMICAL ANNOUNCEMENT a few days later.

 

Have a nice day.

Hey Foley wannabe, enough with the running jokes already and stop with your bullshit "Big Announcements" like Damaramu said.

[Guest Olympic Slam]

rawmvp's Gargantuan Announcement: "Natalie and I got married last weekend."

 

rawmvp's Astronomical Annoucenemt: "I died in a car accident a day later after an all-out car chase with the KGB. My Natalie is now a grieving widow because I am dead. Stay tuned for the next big announcement!"

[Guest Bottled Black]

I'm in agreement with Dama and Raven, enough with the hype, just finish the friggin story already

[Zack Malibu 0]

His big announcements are the equivalent of Jimmy Snuka being the mystery partner at Survivor Series '96, or Savio Vega being Shawn's fill in at No Way Out '98.

[Guest rawmvp]

Gargantuan Announcement:

 

With the imminent threat of a quasi KGB breathing down my back, I decided to confer with Jacob's mother, with the hope of simmering any steak that may be sizzling. So, while I'm having dinner with Natalie at one of our discreet rendevous -- in this case, it's Chilis, the restaurant -- I politely ask her for her boyfriend's home address. Her reply: "Are you out of your f'n mind? Stop thinking with your c*** and start thinking with your head!" Me: "Settle down...shhhhh...I've got everything under control; I'm gonna go up and talk to his mother, okay? I'm sure she's a nice Russian lady, alright? she'll probably make some tea for me while I'm there. I seriously doubt she's got a gun waiting with my name on it!...this is 2004...the KGB is dead...now I realize you may have experienced some f'd up shit in the Ukraine...but this is America, so you better understand that the times have changed...and I don't want my love for you and your love for me to die because of some vindictive, jealous boyfriend...I love you. Natalie: "I love you, too...but if you F this up, and make things worse than they already are...then I might have to make the hardest decision of my life..."

 

I drive up in my beat up car and park next to Jacob's house at around 12:00 PM Sunday morning. They must be very wealthy too, because their house looked like it was in the six figure range. Anyway, I rang the doorbell with aplomb, and stood there with my dad's best suit, as a haggard looking woman opens the door. I ask, "So, is this Mrs. Ratchikova? She answers, "Yes." And I say, "Well, Mrs. Ratchikova, I'm hear to talk about your son, and the problems we've been having." Her: "Are you teacher from his school?" Me: "No, maa--" Her: "Oh, you that boy who ruined my son plans with Natalie, no?" Me: "Yes, I am, maam, but do your best not to hold it against me...may I come in and sit down?" Her: "No way, boy...if my son was here I would encourage him to hurt you as bad as he could...you've broken his heart and took the one thing that made him wake up each morning with a sense of purpose and pride...you've ripped out his soul, and took away the one person who made him a better person besides me and his father." Me: "I'm sorry, maam, I didn't intend to hurt you and your family...maybe Natalie and your son are really right for each other, and maybe I'm just an obstacle in the way of their love, but then again, maybe I'm not...Natalie and I are great for each other; I couldn't have dreamt up a better woman for myself...I've never been so happy...I just came her to tell you to tell your son to stop bothering Natalie and I...and to realize that his relationship with Natalie is over, at least for the time being." Her: starts slightly weeping...you don't know, boy, how depressed we've been ever since you took Natalie away from my son...we've known their family for many years, and we were hoping that Natalie and Jacob would marry, but you ruined it, and I will never forget this." Me: "I'm sorry, maam, I know what it's like to feel empty inside (At this point, I get closer and make the move to put my arms around Jacob's mother, with the intention of letting bygones be bygones, but she quickly shuts the door on my finger) Me: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...my finger, oh god, oh god" She opens the door and allows me to retrieve my finger before I go scurrying back to the car and mutter obscenities under my breath. My finger is still crimson red from the incident; in fact, I suffered --and still continue to suffer -- internal bleeding in my right pinkie. For those who are wondering, my the nail has been decimated, perhaps beyond repair.

 

At this moment, I knew that I had a battle on my hands -- perhaps of epic proportions -- but I wasn't going to let a crushed right pinkie destroy my future plans with the girl of my dreams.

 

Natalie and I had a date on that night at the Olive Garden (keep in mind that Natalie has to lie to her parents about where she's going; she usually tells her parents that she's going to Yelena's home, for they are very close companions). I meet her outside of the Olive Garden and present her with a bouquet of lush red roses, one for each week that we've spent together. She looks at my bandaged right pinkie with a bewildered look and asks, "What happened, are you okay." Me: (grimacing) "Yeah, honey...I'm fine...I was hammering a nail into my wall and accidentally hit my finger...it's no big deal though" Her: "How did it go with Jacob's mom?" Me: "Oh, it was great, she was very understanding." She was relieved to hear this as we sat down at our table. She ordered the Fettucini Alfredo and I ordered the chicken ravioli. While we were talking, I noticed that she grew more bouyant with every sip of wine she had. Her vivaciousness made me feel reinvigorated as I applied my debonair charm after each bite of chicken ravioli. At one point, because of my ravaged pinkie, I had a difficult time grasping the fork, causing it to drop on the floor. I got down on all fours and surreptitiously went underneath the table. As I was about to grab the fork, I looked straight ahead and saw a white light. Was I dead? Nope, it was just Natalie's white, luminescent panties. As I peered into them, I noticed that the the brightness and surface area of it started to expand at an exponential rate. In laymen's terms, she was slowly spreading her legs so I could see her assets. They were glistening, as each sleek, glossy seam enthralled me. I could even see my reflection in them; obviously, this pair, at least, was meant of me. Her legs started to shake uncontrollably; and, with each tremble of her leg, my reflection became clearer and clearer. I was spellbound, that's for sure. At this moment, the waiter came over and asked if anything was wrong. Natalie started laughing as I extricated myself from underneath the table -- but not before using Natalie's panties as a mirror to fix my hair -- and asked for a new fork. After we finished our dinner, we shared some Molten Chocolate cake with two cups of coffee. Everything went fine, until I inadvertantly knocked over my coffee with my elbow, causing a stream of the scalding substance to trickle down the table and cascade into her breasts. It was all because of her mesmerizing, seraphic beauty that blinded me. Suffice to say, she screamed like a banshee. I apologized, and despite the diatribe that I was subjected to, she seemed still very upbeat about the whole ordeal.

 

As I was getting ready to drive her back to her house, Natalie's cell phone rings. It's Yelena. She asks Natalie to pick her up at Caporelli's -- a high class restaurant a few miles from where we were. Apparently, her date went very awry, and she needed a ride. Natalie politely asked me to pick her up and I obliged. As we arrived in the parking lot of the restaurant, I noticed that Yelena seemed very distraught, but that didn't detract from the extremely hot black, low-cut dress that she was wearing. She had her hair down, and had applied just enough make-up to accentuate her cheek bones, and great facial features. It was the first time that I was taken aback by Yelena's looks. Anyway, she gets in the car, and we drop her off at her house. After a few blocks down the street, I arrived at Natalie's home. I used both of my hands to grab her cheeks and used all my might and soul to give her the most impassioned kiss we've had up to this point. Natalie: "C'mon, don't let our night end here...let's go inside..I've got a surprise for you." Me: "I'm tempted, believe me, I am, but what about your daffy dad?" Her: "Oh don't worry about it; he is the deepest sleeper I've ever seen... the fire alarm can't rouse him when he's asleep." I hesitate, but have no choice after Natalie grabs my hand and leads me out of my car. As she leads me to the door, she removes the key from her purse and inserts it into the keyhole -- certainly a harbinger of what's to come. An aura of trepidation, however, overwhelms me as I politely decline the offer. Me: "I don't know if this is a good idea...I mean --" Natalie: "Come here, then...you've left me no other alternative." She grabs my hand, puts it on her right breast, and takes me on a path through a few bushes and trees, as we arrived behind the fence of her backyard. She removes her high heels, and uses my shoulders to catapult herself over the fence. With her standing on my shoulders, I could once again see her luscious, satin panties wink at me. I winked back. Not surprisngly, Natalie took her sweet time to climb her backyard fence, probably so that I could gaze into her nether-lands for an extended period of time. Even this, however, couldn't allay the pain in my shoulders, prompting me to say, "C'mon Natalie, hustle...hustle" After she got over, I used my sheer athleticism to propel myself into the air and over her fence and onto a lawn chair, inches away from falling into her pool. To make matters worse, my right pinkie took the brunt of it. And to exacerbate the predicament even more, her German shepard was startled in the corner. The pain was so sharp that I almost let out a feral shrill, but Natalie saved my ass by covering my mouth. After composing myself, and allowing for the dog to go back to sleep, I licked her hand (the one that covered my mouth). She giggled, "Ohhhhh, come here my bad boy...show me your brand of sourcream." At this moment, the pain in my right pinkie immediately subsided as I started to bask in what was going to be the impending turning point of my banal life. I took her head and brought it near my chest as we segued into feverish, fervent kissing. She started to unbutton my blue, long-sleeved shirt, and massaged my nipples. She pursed her lips and lightly smooched my chest and neck. I followed suit and removed her top as she stood there in her purple bra. I puckered my lips and slowly -- but surely -- kissed the top layer of her breasts. With each kiss, she hyperventilated and moaned more and more. Out of fucking nowhere, a fire truck (with loud, reverberating sirens) speeds through her neighborhood, prompting us to stop and gasp -- with bated breath -- for a few seconds. The dog is startled -- and this time for good -- as it starts to frantically bark. The backyard light is turned on. The blinds on her screen door start to rotate. I'm panicking; Natalie is hysterical. I quickly scour her backyard, and without thinking, jump into her dark pool (pool lights were off) and swim to the bottom. As I laid there, crouched against the floor of her pool, I could see a shimmering light (flashlight), and a stout-looking man shout at his daughter. The shimmering light intensifies, and I quickly realize that Natalie's father saw the bubbles atop the water and suspected something. Realizing the charade is over, I swim to the top, and see Natalie's irascible, pudgy, bald-headed father adorned in a robe and slippers. He's also got a gun clutched in his hand, and what started as a dream come true was about to end in an eternal nightmare. Initially, the father didn't realize who I was -- and just as he was about to waste me (he probably thought I was an intruder) -- Natalie screams, "No Dad...it's my boyfriend...relax." It didn't matter; I wasn't going to assume that her dad was going to come to his senses. Just as Natalie and her father started to argue back and forth, I jumped her fence, and ran as fast as my heavily soaked shirt and trousers would allow. I ran as fast as I could on the grubby street; with each step, the resonance of Natalie's voice and the shrieks of her irate father lessened in intensity. As I ran, I felt a sense of relief drown my sorrows -- Yelena's house was just a few steps away. It was 12:45 AM, but I was almost certain that Yelena was still awake. After all, this was an emergency.

 

To be continued tomorrow. The best is still yet to come...

[Styles 0]

I just discovered this thread. It's 3:30 am and I've spent the last 2 hours reading the whole damn thing. I swear I have never laughed so hard reading anything at this forum. Tears literally filled MY eyes. It's starting to get a little old, but I guess when you read it in one sitting that's bound to happen. It's just so incredibly ridiculous and stupid but I can't stop reading, and the sarcastic replies and comments just add to it. The fake-fake stories with the bank and the one where theyre having sex were laugh out loud funny. When it's all said and done this is definitely classic...

[Guest Bottled Black]

Are you kidding me.. Just finish the Bullshit once and for all.. I can't believe I just read all that crap and now tomorrow we find out you slept with Yelena.. God damn it

[Styles 0]

We need a pool on when the first breast/genitalia euphemism will be used. And, more importantly, exactly what said euphemism will be.

nether-lands

 

We have a winner...

[Firestarter 0]

She giggled, "Ohhhhh, come here my bad boy...show me your brand of sourcream."

<DIES laughing>

[Styles 0]

She giggled, "Ohhhhh, come here my bad boy...show me your brand of sourcream."

<DIES laughing>

I know! These lines are absolutely tremendous! Please keep it up!

[Guest reshad974]

Are you kidding me.. Just finish the Bullshit once and for all.. I can't believe I just read all that crap and now tomorrow we find out you slept with Yelena.. God damn it

it's rather obvious that the character..........ehhh I mean....... he slept with yelena

[TSA09 0]

The sour cream line had me in tears. And yes he does type this in MicroSoft Word and uses the Therauras.

[Guest Bottled Black]

Dude, quick question and forgive me if its been asked or said already, but How old are you and where do you live? just curious..

[Damaramu 0]

Dude....just dude......this has gotten worse.

First of all.........NOBODY SPEAKS LIKE THAT!

Second of all.......your KGB speech you gave to "Natalie" YOU STOLE FROM MARNEY! You realized you were a dipshit that didn't know what the hell he was talking about when you brought the KGB into this story. Then Marney told you and you were like "Aha! I can use that!"

Man you should sell used cars......you're really good at telling lies and twisting what people say to your POV and pretending you thought it up.

 

Hell we've all written half this story for him.

[Damaramu 0]

*double post*

[Art Sandusky 0]

Turning point in your banal life?

 

ba·nal Pronunciation Key  (b-nl, bnl, b-näl)

adj.

 

Drearily commonplace and often predictable; trite: “Blunt language cannot hide a banal conception” (James Wolcott).

 

Hmm...

 

I think that he was able to see his reflection in her panties was the best part. You might want to tell her to have that looked at.

 

Who would go outside and look in their yard when a fire truck drove by? "Oh shit, my yard might be on fire!"

[Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0]

Rawmvp = HBK16

[Guest stardust]

Hmm...

 

I think that he was able to see his reflection in her panties was the best part. You might want to tell her to have that looked at.

Clearly he knows nothing about women's undergarments. I also liked the purple bra with the white panties. Dude, if she'd planned on getting laid, which is what this story implies, she would've been wearing a matching bra and panty set.

[Art Sandusky 0]

Hmm...

 

I think that he was able to see his reflection in her panties was the best part. You might want to tell her to have that looked at.

Clearly he knows nothing about women's undergarments. I also liked the purple bra with the white panties. Dude, if she'd planned on getting laid, which is what this story implies, she would've been wearing a matching bra and panty set.

I figured he was saying that he made her THAT... DAMN... MOIST and as a result her panties became reflective.

 

Crap, I just gave him more material for a future installment, didn't I.