Guest Boo_Bradley Report post Posted October 21, 2003 NUDE BATHING > There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little > girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was > reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the > newspaper? Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked > away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in > tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't > know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I > guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here. The police went > to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked > fellow? After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing > with his bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and > set its nest on fire! > > Moral of the story ......................... Never lie to little girls. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted October 21, 2003 Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday. The first Friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday. Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday. By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?" Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0 Report post Posted October 21, 2003 So a priest, a rapist, and a pedophile all walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted October 21, 2003 A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," said the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" " It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted October 21, 2003 How do you get ten greased up burly sailors to leap in the back of a truck at once? Tell 'em you'll take them to Game's house. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted October 21, 2003 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 25 cents to use a telephone. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
alfdogg 0 Report post Posted October 21, 2003 A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are doing a breast stroke relay. The redhead gets in and takes about a half hour to finish. The brunette gets in, takes about 45 minutes to get done. The blonde gets in and takes FIVE HOURS to finish. She gets out and the judge asks why it took her so long, and she says, "It's not fair, the other girls used their arms." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hhheld_down Report post Posted October 21, 2003 what do you call a vegetarian with diahrea? a salad shooter Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
alfdogg 0 Report post Posted October 21, 2003 What's better than a gold medal in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook Report post Posted October 21, 2003 What do you call a lesbian eskimo? A Klondyke. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
alfdogg 0 Report post Posted October 21, 2003 How does a blonde turn the light on after sex? She opens the car door. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted October 21, 2003 Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nevously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justsoyouknow 0 Report post Posted October 21, 2003 How do you get ten greased up burly sailors to leap in the back of a truck at once? Tell 'em you'll take them to Game's house. That made me laugh out loud here at work. Nicely done. Q: What's the first thing that a woman does after she's released from the hospital for domestic abuse? A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TheZsaszHorsemen Report post Posted October 21, 2003 I can't stand all this sex on the television. I mean... I keep falling off. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest TheZsaszHorsemen Report post Posted October 21, 2003 What did the kid with no arms, dyslexia, and Tourette's Syndrome get for Christmas? Cancer. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted October 21, 2003 Boo! Cancer jokes are not funny Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justsoyouknow 0 Report post Posted October 21, 2003 How about the domestic abuse joke? 'Twas funny, no? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook Report post Posted October 21, 2003 T'was funny. Here's another: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Murmuring Beast 0 Report post Posted October 21, 2003 I guess Hitler jokes are out too?? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted October 21, 2003 Usually, I'm not offended by much. The domestic abuse didn't bother me and neither would a Hitler joke, but the cancer thing kind of hits close to home. Sorry Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted October 21, 2003 I didn't want to kill the thread, so here's another one: A guy walks into a bar. He has a huge wad in his pocket, 2 beautiful blondes on either arm, and a little man on his shoulder. The bartender thinks this is odd but figures it would be ok to serve him. The guy asks if he can buy everyone in the house a drink. The bartender looks at him kinda funny and says, "Sir, I'm gonna have to see some money before I can pour that many drinks." So, the guy reaches into his pocket, pulls out a huge wad of $100 bills, and lays 5 of them on the bar. The bartender pours all the drinks and just as he has finished the last one, the little man on the guy's shoulder runs down his arm, hops off his hand and knocks every drink over then proceeds back up the man's arm. So, the man tells the bartender he wants to order everyone in the house a drink. Same exact thing happens again. For the third time, the man asks to buy the house a round and the bartender looks at him and says, "Brother, do you not realize what is happening here? I can't keep pouring these drinks. Now, what is the deal?" The man sighs and says, "One day I was walking along the beach when I ran into a bottle. A genie popped out and said he could grant me 3 wishes. The first thing I wished for was a wad of $100 bills that never ended. The second thing I wished for was 2 gorgeous blondes to have for the rest of my life." The bartender says, "Well what was the third thing you wished for?" The man replied, "A 12 inch prick." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
River City Rocker 0 Report post Posted October 22, 2003 Hey, did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? They're makin' headlines! (ducks) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted October 23, 2003 This guy is sitting at home. Bored of the porn videos he has, he decides to go to a whore house. He walks in and tells the woman who greets him that he's looking for a little fun but doesn't have much money. She told him that although she couldn't give him any time with any of the girls if he couldn't pay, she had a chicken in the back and if he wanted he could give that a try. Very despirate, the guy agreed. She told him to go down the hall and go into the second door on the left. He went into the room and had his way with the chicken. A week later, he couldnt stop thinking about that chicken. He went back to the whore house and asked to have the chicken again. The lady told him that last time he was there, he almost killed the chicken. She offered him the opportunity to sit in on a peep show. He agreed. She told him to go down the hall and go through the first door on the left. He walked in and there were 2 or 3 other guys in the room. They were watching two girls go at it. The guy asked one of the other guys in the room how come the girls weren't looking at them. "They're behind a one-way mirror. We can see them, but they can't see us. Pretty sweet, huh?" "That's awesome. This is great" "Yeah man. You should have been here last week. There was this guy fucking a chicken." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Anakin Flair 0 Report post Posted October 24, 2003 A man walked into a bar, and it hurt. thank you, I'm here all week. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook Report post Posted October 24, 2003 How do you fit four gay guys on a barstool? Turn it upside down. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted October 24, 2003 Two vans were racing from L.A. to San Francisco one filled with lesbians and the other filled with gay guys. Who got there first and why? The lesbians did because they were doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys were still at home packing their shit. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted October 24, 2003 A guy does a 6-10 stint in the pokey for his 2nd B and E, as well as a PV, and a DUI. The whole time he's laying in his bunk he just vividly dreams of eating pussy...all day, all night, pussy pussy pussy. Eventually, his parole is approved, and he gets back into the world. First thing he does, is makes a beeline for a brothel, proudly slams five bucks down in front of the madam, and says, "I want to lick some pussy." She sends him back with this greasy old whore...with tits like oranges suspended in pantyhose, with thick rawhide nipples gnarled by years of babies and philandering men. He's desperate though, and just starts going to town...eventually, though..he runs across a piece of lettuce..and thinks, "Huh, must've been stuck in my tooth." A little while later, and he notices some mustard on his cheek...He knows he ate nothing with mustard, but still he continues, venturing ever-deeper. Finally, he feels a piece of chewed corned beef between his lips. At that precise moment, the smell hits him. He springs to his feet and, gagging, says.."Fuck, I think I'm going to throw up..." The whore says.."That's what the last guy said." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest LooseCannon Report post Posted October 24, 2003 Q: Hey, how do you get a nun pregnant? A: Fuck her Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Anakin Flair 0 Report post Posted October 24, 2003 A guy does a 6-10 stint in the pokey for his 2nd B and E, as well as a PV, and a DUI. The whole time he's laying in his bunk he just vividly dreams of eating pussy...all day, all night, pussy pussy pussy. Eventually, his parole is approved, and he gets back into the world. First thing he does, is makes a beeline for a brothel, proudly slams five bucks down in front of the madam, and says, "I want to lick some pussy." She sends him back with this greasy old whore...with tits like oranges suspended in pantyhose, with thick rawhide nipples gnarled by years of babies and philandering men. He's desperate though, and just starts going to town...eventually, though..he runs across a piece of lettuce..and thinks, "Huh, must've been stuck in my tooth." A little while later, and he notices some mustard on his cheek...He knows he ate nothing with mustard, but still he continues, venturing ever-deeper. Finally, he feels a piece of chewed corned beef between his lips. At that precise moment, the smell hits him. He springs to his feet and, gagging, says.."Fuck, I think I'm going to throw up..." The whore says.."That's what the last guy said." This joke brought to you by Quentin Tarantino. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JangoFett4Hire 0 Report post Posted October 25, 2003 Why can't Grady Little mow the lawn? He doesn't know how to pull the starter! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
