WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 10/23/2003~!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

The Rasmussens went to Shoney's barbecue buffet for dinner so I'm queazy, greasy and bloated with pork. And collards. Mmmmmmmmm.... autumn means collards are in season and- JESUS- does Shoneys know how to do ONE thing right and that ONE thing is collards. Mmmmmmmmm.... collards. Bury me on a bed of collards and chicken salad when I break from this mortal coil.

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Awesome! Paul Heyman! Hopefully, he will actually start booking this turd of a show and make it watchable again. MUGAtaker comes out and they start the new direction of the show! Oh wait. Instead they set up the crappy handicap match with Brock and Big Show and it diminishes my enthusiasm. MUGAtaker talks about crapping in the ring and then has trouble spitting out just how unbelievably sick he is. Heyman on screen keeps this from falling into complete oblivion.

 

- A-Train and Cena take on Benoit and Angle and I'm suitably stoked. A-Train and Cena do some c 1997 finishers and Angle sells them until he can hit a German. Schneider calls and we talk about the Villanos robes with the Virgin of Guatelupe on the backs. HEY! Angle vs Benoit again. Eh, what the hell. It's been done completely to death but it's still got to be better than the last coupla weeks.

 

- Jamie Noble's segment looked like a 60 Minutes report on Jamie's amateur porn empire. Actually, Jamie looks kinda like he could be MILFhunter's little brother. Not..... not that I know what the MILFhunter looks like.

 

- That Hot Wheels Serpent Cyclone looks COMPLETELY BAD ASS! I'm stoked that I have a son now so I can have an excuse to buy one.

 

- Big Show and Brock Lesnar talk about the tag match they are about to have. Brock thinks Big Show should try harder and hold up his end. Big Show takes umbrage and says that Brock should watch his ass because the US title looks good on his should but the WWE World Title would look good on his other shoulder. Then they have a moment. A moment they can't control. A moment that is unexpected but it feels so right that they blissfully roll with the moment. Big Show touches Brocks cheek and Brock cups his palm around Big Shows neck and the lights flash white and the room spins and they are lost in a kiss, lost in each others arms, lost in a love denied them forever because of their sizes and their athletic MidWestern upbringing and now- they are free... (I'm guessing. My screen went fuzzy right after the belt thing.)

 

- Bashams switched with TGTTOE is quite the lateral move but Heyman wanting revenge on them is kinda neat, I guess. They are wrestling a newly reformed tagteam- Rhythm N Blues? Money Inc? Disorderly Conduct? We go to a 9 minute commercial and FUCK THE POLICE! Let's move this mother fucker up yonder! RIKISHI~! AWWWWEEESOME! Turdwellian anecdotes begin next week! Scotty 2 Hottie sucks. He looks like the third Headbanger. And his pants make me think of Erik Watts doing his raver gimmick on WCW Saturday Night. And I came REALLY close to drinking those memories away. What saves S2H's bacon is the GRRRREAT fucking pencil moustache. If Heyman works a story where S2H and Rikishi are a gay version of KING OF QUEENS, you can imagine how astoundingly TORQUED I would be. Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin job to Rikishi's magnificent male ass. If they can get Scottie to start quoting Andrew Sullivan and using tasteful antiques as foreign objects, we could have the greatest tagteam ever- so much better than Billy and Chuck.

 

- Eddy is distraught and Chavo wants him to get his shit together. Their lowrider is completely bad ass. Eddy rules early beating the shit out of Doug Basham. Chavo and Eddy use Southern heel moves on offense and Eddy does the forearms and suplexes to beat him down. Then Danny tags in and Eddy goes flawlessly to selling the Basham/Shaniqua's low impact beatdown. Doug Basham and Eddy work a chinlock and the crowd responds. Chavo is fucking brilliant distracting the ref while the Bashams beat Eddy down more. Chavo with the old school house a-fire Lariats, backdrops and the dropkicks to set up the new school Swinging DDT. Shenanigans ensue and the Bashams cheat to win in a very comical fashion. This could be a fun fued. Postmatch, we can assume Shaniqua is going to shove that nightstick up the Bashams asses? Is that what they are getting at? Hey, I'm not their mom, they can do whatever they want to. Chavo is unhappy with unfocused Eddy. Yes he is. Chavo demands focus. Eddy should focus. To make Chavo happy, there must be focus. Eddy more focused would make Chavo happier. Chavo is focused and Eddy would need focus. Focusing by Eddy is what Chavo requires. Eddy is focusing, but not focusing fast enough for Chavo. Chavo is focused. Eddy is not focused. Focusingly, Eddy is lacking; focusingly, Chavo is abundant. Eddy upsets Chavo by his lack of focus. Were it that Eddy were focused, Chavo would be happy. Were Chavo not so focused himself, he would not expect such focus from Eddy. Focus. Eddy needs focus. Chavo is focused. Yes, focus- needed, wanted.

 

- Tajiri comes to the ring and he is the champion. Zack comes in and DARES TO DEFY! Nice matwork at the beginning in a comically improbable sort of way. Tajiri stomps on Zack and the crowd tries to start a U-S-A! chant but then they can no longer give a shit. They kinda trade...stuff and they finally get to Zack missing the moonsault and Tajiri getting the pin. HEY! Jimmy YAng! And that guy. Takamura? Masada? Who is that? They are covering a lot of ground tonight.

 

- God, they are going to give UT vs Brock and Big Show 20 minutes? The first five minutes is a lotta shoulderblocks. UT takes the Belly-to-Belly and Brock eats the edited punches. Brock suplexes to cut off his comeback and Big Show clubs and headbutts and I'm trying to figure out what they will do for 15 more minutes. UT fires back with lariats and Big Shows sells it big. Ditto for Brock. Big Show with the Nodawa and Brock tells Big Show to go up top. UT fights out of Brocks powerbomb and Big Show takes the toprope Nodawa like an absolute MOTHERFUCKER. Big Show is SOOOOOOO on the DVDVR 500 in December. Ah, Heyman does the annoying thing from ECW and changes the stips midmatch and it's 2 out of 3 falls and the commercial awaits us. UT gets some nearfalls on Brock and they take it to the street. Big Show lariats UT on the floor and they hit the ring. UT throws Big Show and Brock over the rail and they change the stips to no count out. Bundy-like, Big Show hits UT with a chair. Now no dq. They are killing time, I guess. UT with the chain and Brock doesn't have the DECENCY to blade. UT doesn't fill us in on his SICK match and they beat the shit out of UT postmatch. UT doesn't blade and I'm wondering if he should lose his MUGA rating. Fun enough and Big Show bumped gigantic enough for this to definately work. The match it sets up- as we find out later- will suck dick, but I ain't gonna see it, so who gives a shit.

 

WHAT DIDn'T WORK-

 

- Bashams switched with TGTTOE is quite the lateral move but Heyman wanting revenge on them is kinda neat, I guess. They are wrestling a newly reformed tagteam- Rhythm N Blues? Money Inc? Disorderly Conduct? We go to a 9 minute commercial and FUCK THE POLICE! Let's move this mother fucker up yonder!

 

- Vince tries to steal Ric Flair's promo technique and it's annoying. You could always buy Slick Ric cornholing a 17 Greensboro redneck debutante back in 1986, five minutes before stepping into the ring and carrying Coco Ware to a 5 star match. Vince, you just kind of think of Sable furiously sucking his spongy dink in a vain attempt to keep him stiff before having to resort to Viagra. Sable has that look of getting ahead by having lots of needledick middle-managers cumming on her thigh seconds before penetration- so this must be a hard pill for her to swallow.

 

- God, Hardcore Sparkplug Holly coming back? Can Duke The Dumpster Droese and Mantaur be far behind? Jesus, one word for you- FANTASIO.

 

- MUGAtaker threatens Vince and Vince acts by acting like MUGAtaker has just farted. If MUGAtaker was really so bad assed and biker, he'd leave Vince's bitch out of this and drag Vince into the shower and make a woman out of him. It would be like Kenneth Anger was booking.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

I'm not exactly getting what you're trying to say... Are you saying Eddie needs the ford focus as his new low-rider?? I would have figured Chavo as more of a GM kinda guy.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Nonono, Eddy needs focus. Currently he is without focus. Chavo has focus. Eddy lacks focus.

 

DEAN.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

I still can't see it.

[Cran Da Maniac 0]

Jamie Noble's segment looked like a 60 Minutes report on Jamie's amateur porn empire. Actually, Jamie looks kinda like he could be MILFhunter's little brother. Not..... not that I know what the MILFhunter looks like.

 

- That Hot Wheels Serpent Cyclone looks COMPLETELY BAD ASS! I'm stoked that I have a son now so I can have an excuse to buy one.

 

 

These 2 lines, side by side. You sir are a genius.

[Guest Mindless_Aggression]

Noble DOES look like the milfhunter's younger brother. Not that either of us would know who that is. As we are men of refined taste.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Noble DOES look like the milfhunter's younger brother. Not that either of us would know who that is. As we are men of refined taste.

I use the internet to check e-mail, read wrestling results and to PayPal my favorite charities. These porn sites I only hear about through heresay or maybe read about in Reader's Digest.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Mindless_Aggression]

I use the internet to set up online charities for churches and the mentally crippled. I simply thought Milf hunter was an acronym for Mormons Infinite Love & Faith Hunters and I am certainly a hunter of these things.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I use the internet to set up online charities for churches and the mentally crippled. I simply thought Milf hunter was an acronym for Mormons Infinite Love & Faith Hunters and I am certainly a hunter of these things.

Actually, I thought that was what MILF stood for. I did not realize that there was a pornography site hijacking the name of such a worthy charity. Verily.

[Guest Boo_Bradley]

Surreal and hilarious.

[Lightning Flik 0]

Dean, once again... I'm dying from your stuff.

 

Unfortunately, I'll make a recovery, but still. Waking up to some laughter is always the best way to start a day. Thanks for the laughs.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

Excellent as always. Even without spooge.

 

but...

 

VHERE BEING AL VILSON?

 

and are you just building to an Al-Whoreulon showdown? That's where I see it going.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Rikishi is back so Turdwellian and the Al Wilson saga should be returning soon.

 

DEAN.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT!

 

RRR: Losing the faith.

 

Now you have to return to Ze Baron and THEN Al Wilson and ultimately -and epically- a to-the-death confrontation between the two.