FLI EWR Diary

[Zack Malibu 0]

Hello everyone. Lame punchlines aside, I've once again got off my ass (or rather, sat back down on it) and started an EWR Diary. This time around we're going to see how twisted and demented a federation run by The Rougeau family can possibly get. You know something isn't right when both Ray and Jacques have stats better than half of TNA's X Division, and Carl Oulette (Pierre or Jean Pierre Lafitte for those of you only familiar with horrid mid-90's WWE characters) is unsackable.

 

One thing of note. When doing the show, I forgot to change the recapper to Dames (please don't kill/maim/demod me, oh Powerful One), so this show is being brought to you by someone who is no doubt drunk enough to actually give two shits about it...The Scotsman.

 

(You figure a Canadian federation should have the Maple Leaf Pimp himself, Scott Keith reviewing it, but I find that there is more to a recap than "Shades of Misawa, Canadian Violence, Benoit makes me moist".)

 

Here we go with LA LUTTE FLI for December 6, 2003.

 

OPENING MATCH OF IMPENDING CRITICISM:

 

Cross Dressin' Matthews vs Strong Brothers

 

Matt Cross strikes Roderick. Kick by Matt Cross...to the facial regions. Break that nose! Yeah! 1 - 2 - shoulder up. Tag to Altered Boy Matthew. Cross Dressin' Matthews whip Roderick into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. 1 - 2 - kick out. Matthew uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Roderick kicks Altered Boy Matthew in the gut to reverse the momentum. Roderick crushes Matthew with a running BUTT smash...nothing says 'killer move' like driving your ass into someone else's face. 1 - 2 - kick out. Tag between Roderick Strong and Sedrick Strong. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Matthew is down. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3. DDT by Sedrick Strong. Sedrick Strong gets taken down out of nowhere. Matthew hits a dropkick on Sedrick Strong. Tag to Matt Cross. Big kick on Sedrick by Matt Cross. Sedrick tags out to Roderick Strong. Legsweep. There's probably a Japanese name for that....like Golden Dragon Nuclear Spike....that'll do, i'll call it that from now on. Matt Cross has Roderick Strong down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Leap of Faith!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Cross Dressin' Matthews remain in the ring, celebrating their victory.

 

They say first impressions are everything, so why I put on a match between two cross dressers, one of whom is a former Altar Boy, and The Most Generic Named Tag Team On Earth is beyond me. Unless this show was being broadcast in transsexual clubs and bars, I don't think it did much to add to the fanbase.

 

RATING: 46 (21, 84).

 

 

The cameras now take us to the office of FLI Commisioner DANGEROUS DAVE~! C'mon, you need a guy like that in charge. Ever hear of anyone wanting to fuck with DANGEROUS DAVE~!? Didn't think so. Then again, they'd have to hear OF him first. At any rate, DANGEROUS DAVE~! is sitting at his desk, going through some papers when they are snatched from his hand and gobbled up by...KAMALA~! Kamala munches down, apparently needing more fiber in his diet. Before DANGEROUS DAVE~! can react, Kamala is scolded by Kimchee, who has seemingly gotten implants since last we saw him many moons ago. DANGEROUS DAVE~! asks what Kamala and Kimchee are doing here, and Kimchee mumbles something incoherent through his mask. DANGEROUS DAVE~! says that he can't understand a word thanks to the muffled sound (or it could be our audio...I don't have the best production crew yet), so Kimchee does what fans across the world waited for for so long, and UNMASKS to reveal...GAIL KIM? C'mon, EVERYONE knew it was Steve Lombardi. Maybe back then, but when Gail got canned by the WWE, she decided to tour the world, see the sights, and live a little. So when earning some extra money by belly dancing, she met up with Kamala, who was doing the same (hey times are tough, and how can you resist the moon and stars, huh?) and they decided they were too good to not be in wrestling anymore. DANGEROUS DAVE~! silently weeps for them, and gives them an opportunity tonight. If Gail Kimchee and Kamala can defeat 2 Hot 4 TV, then they can join FLI full time. Gail Kimchee drags Kamala out of the office before he starts squirting glue in his mouth, because the last thing an upstart company needs is an African Savage high on Elmer's. Now that I think of it, every company should have one of those, just for kicks.

 

RATING: 64

 

FILLER UP:

 

Chance Beckett vs Strong Shooto Shinjoh

 

Standing kicky thing by Chance Beckett on Shooto. Dropkick connects...Shooto goes down like a skanky hooker. Flying elbow from Chance Beckett. Kick by Chance Beckett...to the facial regions. Break that nose! Yeah! Shooto kicks Chance Beckett in the gut to reverse the momentum. Strong Shooto Shinjoh arm drags Chance over. SMELL THE RATINGS. Back heel kick from Shooto on Chance. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Chance kicks Strong Shooto Shinjoh in the gut to reverse the momentum. Shooto takes a rana from Chance Beckett. 1 - 2 - kick out. Vicious kick to the teeth from Chance Beckett. 1 - 2 - almost a 3. Chance Beckett gets taken down out of nowhere. Kick from Strong Shooto Shinjoh to the leg. I guess Chance hasn't got a leg to stand on...or something. Eh, screw it. Chance blocks a suplex attempt using the power of gravity. Kick by Chance Beckett...to the facial regions. Break that nose! Yeah! Chance Beckett floors Strong Shooto Shinjoh...and climbs the turnbuckles. Through the air, Chance Encounter! 1....2....3.

 

Jesus, any more kicks from these guys and I would have suggested they leave here and join The Rockettes. I have no clue who Shinjoh is and don't care...with a name like that I had to keep him on the roster. Too bad I don't have a developmental territory yet, because these guys obviously need to shake up their repetoire. After that performance I'm tempted to sign these guys up for a three legged race, just to see them do something that doesn't require a kick from either of them.

 

RATING: 47 (36, 70)

 

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS MATCH OF CONTRACTUAL GOODNESS

 

Gail Kimchee and Kamala vs 2 Hot 4 TV

 

Video uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Kamala takes a rana from Kidd Video Fabulous. 1 - 2 - kick out. Video tags out to Stevie Fabulous. 2 Hot 4 TV whip Kamala into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Kamala takes a flying neckbreaker from Stevie Fabulous. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Dropkick connects...Kamala goes down like a skanky hooker. Kamala reverses a hip toss. Kamala scores with a awesomely-bad looking standing spinebuster. Tag between Kamala and Gail Kimchee. Stevie Fabulous takes a knee lift from Kimchee. Kimchee hits a high kick on Stevie Fabulous. Fabulous ducks a wild right hand. Tag between Stevie Fabulous and Kidd Video Fabulous. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Kimchee is down. Back heel kick off the second rope, Kimchee goes down. 1 - 2 - almost a 3. Kidd Video Fabulous scores with a back heel kick on Kimchee. Kimchee backdrops Kidd Video Fabulous out of a piledriver attempt. Gail Kimchee hits a crap missile dropkick on Video. Kidd Video Fabulous is in trouble. Standing Rana!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

 

Gail and Kamala have to work on the basic format of a tag match. Usually the big lugs stay on the apron while the smaller person plays Ricky Morton, then comes in for the hot tag and the win. Instead we had Kamala duck out after minimal effort (not that the fans are complaining mind you) and little delicate Gail bounced around like a speedball for the Fabulouseseseses. Hot Asian Chick, African Savage, and a Boy Band. I oughta send this match to FOX and try to get a sitcom.

 

RATING: 55 (59,66)

 

Backstage, Jacques Rougeau and Raymond Rougeau are hanging out, discussing how great it is to have their own company. Ray suggests hiring guys like Warrior, Vader, Hogan, Savage, and Piper and going over them all in a Gauntlet Match. Jacques is inclined to agree, but seems preoccupied with his matchup later on with their good buddy Carl Ouelette. Tonight, friendship is out the window when THE QUEBECERS COLLIDE~!, this time with the FLI World Title on the line.

 

RATING: 65

 

The Rougeau lovefest is then interrupted by a crowd gathering down the hall. There, on the floor, is Armand Rougeau, bleeding from the head. Those who've found him smell an attack, but Jacques and Ray think that Armand just got drunk and passed out again. There IS a reason you didn't hear about this guy until he got put in this game, y'know.

 

RATING: 15 (See, who gives a fuck about Armand Rougeau? Really.)

 

WE'RE NOT THE MOUNTIES ANYMORE, BUT AT LEAST WE'RE IN THE MAIN EVENT OF A WRESTLING SHOW MATCH FOR THE FLI WORLD TITLE

 

Jacques Rougeau Jr. vs Carl Ouelette

 

Back elbow connects, Jacques staggers backward. Big piledriver on Jacques. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. Carl Ouelette gets taken down out of nowhere. Ouelette gets smacked around like a bitch. Jacques slams Carl Ouelette down. 1 - 2 - kick out. Ouelette walks into a slammy shoulder thing. 1 - 2 - almost a 3. Big clothesline on Ouelette. Carl Ouelette pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Carl Ouelette hits a bulldog off the ropes. 1 - 2 - kick out. Powerbomb on Jacques. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3. Running knee lift from Carl Ouelette. Chop hits Jacques...that was stiffer than a 14 year old at a stripper convention. Jacques counters a backdrop with a kick to the face. Ouelette gets caught with a short powerbomb from Jacques. Ouelette gets hit with a wicked powerbomb thing out of the corner. Carl Ouelette gets knocked to the ground by Jacques. Carl Ouelette gets locked in the Abdominal Stretch! Submission victory! Jacques Rougeau Jr. is still in the ring celebrating. Carl Ouelette pushes the referee away. Carl Ouelette slams Jacques down. Carl Ouelette climbs to the top rope and hits the Cannonball!

 

OK, I thought a nearfall on a "slammy shoulder thing" was one thing, but Jacques Rougeau Jr. just won the World Title of my fed with a fucking ABDOMINAL STRETCH? Who says neopitism is dead? Poor Carl, I'd have attacked him on principle, so I don't blame him for going heel. He just jobbed to a Scott Hall resthold.

 

RATING: 64 (66, 79) 79 match rating for a match with The Mountie and Jean-Pierre Lafitte. How much did Ryland get paid to tweak their stats, anyone know?

 

The celebration didn't last long for Jacques, as not only did he get knocked for a loop after the match, but he goes backstage to find his other brother, Raymond, passed out on the floor. Mystery stalker, or is Raymond swiggin' on the good stuff in his spare time? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON FLI~!

 

As always, comments, criticism, ideas, hirings/firings, and anything else is wanted, welcome, and in the case of some of this shit, needed.

[Guest Dave O'Neill, Journalist]

Good Stuff, and my jaw hit the floor for Gail Kimchee, so your'e doing something right.

 

Also, kewl beans for hiring Dangerous Dave, because thats my nickname in work

[Lightning Flik 0]

You need to sign "The Degenerate" Austin Lee.

 

He's great, and besides, think of all the things you can say about "The Degenerate".

 

Not sure if your Risk is high enough for it though.

 

Heh... Good stuff so far though, Zack.

[Zack Malibu 0]

Back with more FLI~!

 

La Lutte FLI for December 13, 2003

 

Jacques Rougeau Jr. is in the ring to kick things off, as FLI has gone all out to give him a celebration ceremony thanks to his big win over former partner turned pirate Carl Oulette last week for the FLI World Title. Oh, by celebration ceremony we mean comp tickets to a hockey game of his choice and a flapjack buffet. Hey, we're in Canada, gotta live up to the stereotype. Jacques mumbles something that is incoherent to us, but I've learned that it was actually French (what, you think WWE are the only ones who bash them?). Perhaps due to frustration of not taking a langauge in high school and being unable to understand a damn word coming out of his mouth, Jacques is jumped by Chris Hero, Tracy Smothers, and Barry Windham, with a fourth man lagging behind as they do their dirty work. Waitaminute, I recognize that guy...it's Ralph Hinkley! No, that's not the guy who shot at Reagan in the 80's...I mean it's WILLIAM KATT, known worldwide as the star of "The Greatest American Hero"! Katt takes the mic, and says that he's sick of sitting at home and collecting royalties (really, how much could he be making off reruns, c'mon now...) and decided to take a risk. He exiled himself to Canada, because they'll make movies with just about anybody. Why do you think Dave Thomas still finds work? Anyhow, Katt was flipping through the channels and was disgusted at what he saw last week, namely Jacques Rougeau jobbing a supposed friend out to a resthold. That just ate away at him, and Katt decided to take action against this supposed Canadian entertainment by bringing in some men who would make things interesting, by representing the greatest country on Earth. Say hello to two men who can get just as drunk and surly as Canadian lumberjacks, only don't have to wear plaid to show that they're badasses. They are the team of Southern Comfort, Tracy Smothers and Barry Windham! Smothers and Windham then proceed to pull out Budweiser's, chug them, and spit it at the crowd. One guy actually starts melting after coming into contact with what those crazy Canucks deem "watered down pap". Oh, and as for Chris over here, he's Katt's hand-picked cornerstone. Say hello to Chris "The Greatest American" Hero! Just to rub more salt in Jacques' wounds, Katt has dubbed this stable The All-American Boys, and has the old theme by the same name cued up as they head out, leaving Jacques to recover (and then slip on a puddle of Bud off camera).

 

OVERALL: 66%. William Katt gained overness from this segment.

 

ROUND ONE OF A ONE NIGHT TOURNAMENT SINCE OUR PPV IS TOMORROW AND I FORGOT TO CHANGE THE DATE FOR THE FLI TAG TITLES:

 

Strong Brothers vs 2 Hot 4 TV

 

Spinning bulldog in the corner, Roderick is down. Tag to Sedrick Strong. Flying elbow from Stevie Fabulous. Tag to Kidd Video Fabulous. Weird kick by Video on Sedrick. Tag to Roderick Strong. I missed what happened for a few minutes as i went to get a beer...i'm going to take an educated guess and say that Bruiser Brody made a stunning return and beat everyone up, then left. I'm sticking with that story until proven wrong. Cool looking suplex on Roderick. 2 Hot 4 TV have Roderick Strong to themselves. Hot Flash! 1....2....3! It's over. 2 Hot 4 TV remain in the ring, celebrating their victory.

 

It seems I also forgot to change the match reviewer from Scots to Dames. The Strong Brothers got no offense in at all, making Scots' dementia about Brody being resurrected infinitely more entertaining than watching this match. Although 2 Hot 4 TV made up for it afterwards with their post-match dance off. Who doesn't love out of sync white guys doing The Runman? They'll be faces in no time!

 

OVERALL: 65 (43, 87)

 

Backstage, The Rougeau Family can't believe the nerve of The All-American Boys. Though Ray has to give them credit for using their old theme. It is rather catchy. Jacques asks Armand what he thinks of the whole deal, but the producer yells "CUT!" before the guy can utter even a syllable. Poor Armand, he's the Rodney Dangerfield of the fed only two shows in.

 

OVERALL: 75

 

TOURNAMENT MATCH 2:ELECTRIC BOOGALOU aka THAT JOKE WILL NEVER GET OLD MATCH:

 

Kamala and Gail Kimchee vs Cross Dressin' Matthews

 

Weak kick from Kamala. Kamala hits a big clothesline. Slam from Kamala on Cross. Tag to Altered Boy Matthew. Matthew hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Kamala takes the advantage with a punch to the face. Hilariously weak brawling from Kamala. Tag between Kamala and Gail Kimchee. Kamala \ Kimchee whip Matthew into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Flying elbow off the top rope by Gail Kimchee. Gail Kimchee with an enziguri. Tag to Kamala. Kamala floors Altered Boy Matthew. Giant Splash! 1....2....3. Cross Dressin' Matthews don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack Kamala \ Kimchee, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends.

 

Ah see, now this was more like it. Kamala tosses the heels around a bit, lets Gail get her licks in, and then comes in to finish them off. Simple yet effective. The Matthews bitched to me about jobbing to a team with a woman on it. Oh yeah, sure guys. You can dress like them all you want, but you show no loyalty to the sisterhood. Just remember, karma's a bitch.

 

OVERALL: 54 (46, 63)

 

In the back, Carl Ouelette is FURIOUS~! about last week. He's gotten calls from everyone asking what the hell was going on. Even Vince called, and said at least he had the decency to screw Bret over during a more dangerous looking submission than an abdominal stretch. Apparently this has done damage to Carl's psyche, as he is once again dressed like Capt. Hook. Hey, y'know he can thank Johnny Depp for making pirates cool again. The gimmick might actually pay off this time around. Suddenly the fashion police arrive on the scene in the form of Kevin Martel, who states he may not be a model, but he plays one on TV. Yes, I've managed to find a successor to the notspecificallygaybutwe'renotyoungandstupidanymore gimmick of possible relative Rick Martel. Carl goes into a debate about how chicks think patches are badass, thens stops himself when he realizes how lame this debate actually is. They decide to be more manly about things, and agree to take it to the ring, although there's a twinkle in Kevin's eye that suggests a whole different reason for wanting to wrestle.

 

OVERALL: 57

 

IGNORING THE OBVIOUS "BUTT PIRATE" TAGLINE I COULD HAVE GIVEN THIS MATCH...WAIT, NEVERMIND:

 

Carl Ouelette vs Kevin Martel

 

Ouelette hits a right hand. Kevin Martel, like so many teenage boys, uses a right hand. Except in this case, it's for a punch. Standing kicky thing by Kevin Martel on Ouelette. Kevin Martel misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee instead. Kill the referee! DDT from the top rope by Kevin Martel....holy crap, that was sweet. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is still down. Carl Ouelette pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Back elbow connects, Martel staggers backward. Martel walks into a slam. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Martel walks into a slammy shoulder thing. 1 - 2 - 2.999 Kevin Martel takes the advantage with a punch to the face. Ouelette takes a rana from Kevin Martel. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3. Kevin Martel misses a big legdrop and lands ASS-FIRST on the mat. The two competitors end up in the corner, grappling. The referee tries to break them up, but Ouelette pushes him away. The ref tries again, and this time Martel is the one to shove the referee away...and that prompts a double DQ decision from the referee! I don't think the fight has finished. Carl Ouelette and Martel have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view.

 

Apparently the gay innuendo was not lost on Scotsman, so he's earned his paycheck this week. Ouelette and Martel will live to fight another day, most likely at the PPV which is tomorrow in EWR time. WWE planning has nothing on me.

 

OVERALL: 67 (59,76)

 

DANGEROUS DAVE~! invites William Katt to his office, questioning his prescence on the show. Not that DANGEROUS DAVE~! minds, since it's rare for FLI to have a true Hollywood presence on the show. Katt starts going into "Hollywood jibberjabber" mode, talking about the rough conditions on the set of House, but DANGEROUS DAVE~! cuts him off. They've got a PPV tomorrow, and since William is in town, DANGEROUS DAVE~! was hoping he'd stick around for the show, especially since he'll want to be in Chris Hero's corner during his match with Jacques Rougeau. Katt smirks gleefully, as if he's gotten some type of evil scheme brewing. If I get desperate enough to have Robert Culp do a run-in, someone has to fly to RI and beat me silly, for real.

 

OVERALL: 57%

 

SIX MAN IMPROMPTU TUSSLE OF NATIONALISTIC WARFARE:

 

Rougeau Family vs All-American Boys

 

Rougeau floors Chris Hero. Rougeau hits a dropkick on Chris Hero. Tag to Armand Rougeau. Armand uses a neckbreaker on Hero. Armand Rougeau scores with a crappy face jam on Chris Hero. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Tag to Jacques Rougeau Jr.. Armand \ Jacques whip Hero into the corner. Armand Rougeau whips Jacques Rougeau Jr. in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Thrown slam by Jacques Rougeau Jr.. Hero counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Throat-first drop onto the top rope from Chris Hero! Tag to Barry Windham. Barry Windham uses a neckbreaker on Jacques. Sloppy tornado punch from Barry Windham...maybe that's a clue that Kerry Von Erich is going to run in...but probably not. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3. Jacques gets squashed in the corner with an arm to the face. Tag between Barry Windham and Tracy Smothers. Jacques Rougeau Jr. walks into a stiff lariat clothesline from Smothers. Gut buster, Jacques hits hard. Jacques Rougeau Jr. takes the advantage with a punch to the face. Tag to Raymond Rougeau. Rougeau hits a spinning back kick. Tag between Tracy Smothers and Chris Hero. Hero drives a forearm into the chest of Rougeau. Pick-up into a powerbomb, Rougeau hits hard. Raymond Rougeau tries to get a big slam, but it is blocked when Hero goes to the eyes! Chris Hero quickly scores with a field-goal kick between the legs! Raymond Rougeau collapses! The referee didn't see the illegal blow! 1...2...3! Raymond Rougeau got screwed!

 

Chris Hero plays Ray Finkle, and wins the match for The All-American Boys, thus setting him up for a title match with Jacques tomorrow night. Jacques played the creative control card on me, not wanting to be the one to take the fall for Hero. I could have just had Armand do the job, but that's too obvious, kinda like how Jason always comes back from the dead, or washed up pop culture icons pose for Playboy.

 

OVERALL: 57 (48,66). Armand actually complained I was pushing him too much. That's gratitude for ya.

 

OVERALL RATING: .85

361 people paid $7220.