your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 11/13/2003~!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hey! I fixin to start in on a 12 of Hoffbauer Ice. It's True Swill and thoroughly uncool so I love it. All it has to offer my aching boozehole is sweet sweet overblown amounts of alcohol and tinny, watery taste. Yes, payday is next week. Editing is for sucks.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Kurt Angle and Nathan Jones have a wrestling match. Nathan Jones is from Australia but HE ISN'T DRESSED LIKE A PIRATE!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK! They kinda wrestle around and not really do much- working out of a headlock, which is perfectly fine. Angle is wiley and Jones bumps big early for him. Jones beloved clubbing forearms look 50,000% better than Angle's punches. Angle does the Dick Murdocklike second rope MISSILE DROPKICK and we weep at the oddness of the MoveSet Decision. Jones does the lamest Chinlock Variation ever- a sort of Double Clawhold. Jones' elbow drop is not welcomed in the AWA. Angle dropkicks the knee and the new Alex Wright-based offense is strange and neat and more fun than the suplexes that kick in immediately afterwards. Ankle Lock and we wait for Matt Morgan to come in and he does and Bob Holly comes in and that was surprising. Holly really beats the shit out of Morgan and Jones with the chair.

 

- Sable and Vince share a tender moment. Oh fuck- this so works. Vince is does more of the weird evangelical shit with the maggots in his eye-sockets in his dream. If only he would go Full Swaggert and starts masturbating on the bed while Sable shows him her pubes. Vince is fucking great relaying the nightmare. He speaks of the stench and soiling himself. It is so like Jim Bakker having the nervous breakdown under the table at the court hearing. WORKS WORKS WORKS.

 

- Noble calls Tajiri a coward and then gets his ass kicked. Jimmy Yang has the worst kicks I have ever seen. Rey Rey makes the save and Sakata bumps like a fucking FREAK. Annnnnnnnnnd it's over. Wha? Oh, it's a tag match. Yang is now Akio. Sakata takes an assbeating well- not fucking up too much against some lowergrade Misterio offense. Akio comes in and it becomes a Southern tag match. Akio is fun cutting off Rey Rey's comebacks. It gets all neat- with Rey Rey bumping big before the screwy ending kicks in. Noble hits a very lacklustre powerslam and it made me lose enthusiasm for the match. Yes it did. Good powerslam is key to my enthusiasm. Bad powerslam diminishes my enthusiasm. it was a bad powerslam. And my enthusiasm is diminished. Diminished.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

 

"Yo Baron, you got a call."

 

"Thanks. Yello. Yeah... Bill he is mein roommate. Who is zis, if I may ask?"

 

Barons eyes widen and his mouth opens.

 

"J...Jennifer. Vell... Jennifer. How have you been? Okay, zat is goot. Vere are you? Zat is cool. I hear zat it is a very hip town. I am sure one as beautiful as you is having a goot time zere."

 

Baron's mind races with memories of love and youth and kisses and feelings. "No zay! Ven vill you be here? I vould love to see you... well, zere is a voman I am seeing but she vill be cool vith it. Yes, I cannot vait. I'll see you zen. Yes. I vill see you soon. yes. Gootbye."

 

Baron hangs up the phone and he is torn. He is 23 and he has just spoken to a spectre from his past. "Billy. Please come here."

 

"Baron, man. What's up?"

 

"Remember ven I told you about my first love Jennifer?"

 

"Oh yeah. Is that who that was? AWESOME! You look like you just saw a fucking ghost."

 

"I am fucked."

 

"Boy howdy you are fucked. What is she coming here? NO FUCKING WAY!"

 

"Yes fucking vay. I am so fucked."

 

"You're right. You are are astoundingly fucked. What the fuck are you going to tell Caroline?"

 

"Do you zuppose she vill be upset?"

 

"Fuck yeah she's gonna be upset. What if the first guy whoever supplied the beefdart to her showed on her doorstep? What vould you do?"

 

"You do not talk about ze lovely Caroline and her exPERience vith ze beefdart!"

 

"Gimme a fucking break. You would lose your shit. AND YOU KNOW. YOU MOTHERFUCKING KNOW! That when this chick shows up at your door, you're gonna fuck the hell out of her. Caroline knows this too and she is gonna lose her shit."

 

"You are out of line. I have never had zexual relations vith young Jennifer..."

 

"Well, now I REALLY know that you are going to fuck her."

 

"Billy, shut ze fuck up."

 

"Hey, Baron, daddy. I'm your boy. I'm just telling you what's going to happen. You better get a fucking story AND a plan of action in place now or you get COMPLETELY fucked over by this."

 

"I love Caroline."

 

"Hey, I'm in love with Shelly, but I ain't fucking MARRIED to her. You gonna put the blast on this chick if you get the chance. Face facts, motherfucker."

 

"You don't understand. I need Jennifer to stay ze vay I hate her. If I fuck her, it vill ruin everyzing...."

 

- Bradshaw wrestles. A-Train comes to the ring and there is much clubbing of the forearms. Bradshaw hits a sweet elbow drop. A-train hits a nice Western Lariat. A-Train makes my heart flutter with the beloved clubbing forearms off the apron. This is fun power match. Bradshaw kicks A-Train directly in the cornshoot and this match hits a whole new weird level of great. A-Train with a sleeper and counters out of the reversal and then its comical punches and Bradshaw with the dropkick and I bust out crying. The nearfall after the RYDEEN BOMB was hot hot hot. The Western Lariat by Bradshaw was fabulous. That was fun.

 

- Cena and Angle and Benoit don't like each other! THEY DON'T ! LOOK AT THE TENSION! They...they....they...they...they... THEY DOn'T LIKE EACH OTHER! My, what tension! Why does noone care how Bradshaw and Farooq feel? Do their feelings not count? If you cut them, do they not bleed? If they find you find you in the shower and you are a rookie, do they not put their finger up your ass? ARE WE SO VAIN!

 

- Father Frank was creepy and all and God knows I loved that. "Let us pray TOGETHAH". Vince is AWESOME going all Garner Ted Armstrong on him. Vince has figured out how to make me give a shit about him.

 

- Cena's Nets Dr J throwback was fucking great. Though it did break my heart when Dr J left the Squires to go to the Nets. Benoit has been on a slide for a while now and TONITE IS THE NIGHT! The tag match is pretty good. Cena sells for Big Show like a motherfucker and makes the chokeslam look godlike. Cena DDTs Brock to make the hot tag. Brock is FUCKING AWESOME taking Benoit's German and making it look like manslaughter. Brock sells well going on offense and makes the tag. Big Show beats on Benoit and the Leg Drop is nifty. Brock with the Front Chancery into the Rear Naked Choke! Brock makes the German look fucking great again- as Benoit goes for the hot tag. It goes beautifully Southern as the ref misses the hot tag and this fucking rules. The actual hot tag isn't dramatic enough, but face Cena is fun. Brock is the superstar of this match with the flying save. Cena cheats to win and this was really fun. I like the fun wrestling. Wrestling should be fun. FUN!

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- The Smackdown commercial where the announcer corrects Brock Lesner by saying that "We ALL win" when Brock beats Torrie in a bra and panties match really MAKES MY FUCKING SKIN CRAWL. Now, I'm not saying that I'm Sir Lancelot and pure as the driven snow in my pathetic sexual fantasies. I mean come on. You've been alone. You've been watching your tape of the Tick and said to yourself, "Goddam, when American Maid does that flip and rips her clothes off, I get uncontrollably excited." I mean, I understand. American Maid is the fantasy brunette that is akin to being the greatest possible most mountable Sigourney Weaver. And come on. I know you. You've spent secret moments alone in an extended shower and disgraced yourself and your family name and also burned a black mark in your soul by toasting a load to the idea of the Scarlet Witch and Storm using their magic powers to rip each others clothes off. See, that's all fine. There is a little story in your mind. Your fauntasy world steers strangley into the erotic hinterland that all people explore when they get way too bored. But for the WWE to have me have to imagine men- computer game playing men- masturbating to computer generated Torrie having a bra and panties match in a video game- A FUCKING VIDEO GAME- is sooo fucking pathetic that I want to throw up directly onto this computer screen. What kind of fucking repulsive sexually-retarded clientelle is the WWE trying to reach with this ad. I mean, this isn't video tennis or anything. I mean jacking off to a Women's Prison Video game where you can be the corrupt warden and can use a sequence of moves to start a surprise delousing is ONE thing. Jacking off to cgi Torrie is fricking sick. Unless there is a version where she and Bastion Booger play a long game of tennis and then they both take a long break and tenderly towel each other off and brush up against each other and smile and shyly look away as they catch each others eyes and the next thing you know Booger is pressing his winkie through the net to reach Torrie's aching, squishy..... WAIT! Let me erase this.

 

- Sable and Vince share a tender moment. Oh fuck- this so works.

 

- The fucking up of the Guerrerros vs the Bashams match really sucked. The set-up is soooo retarded. Chavo doesn't actually show Shaniqua his huervos so this can't possibly work. Chavo is fucking great on the mat early though. chavo's armdrags aren't deep but his dropkicks are RockNRoll Fantastik! chavo does the Apron Plancha and it was like a Batman episode. Chavo bumps directly on his neck when the Bashams finally get on offense. Tazz talks about getting his ass whipped by Shaniqua a whole lot and this thing threatening to move to the worked column. Double gourdbuster was nice by the Bashams. But the whole setup for the match is so retarded that it stays down here. Since when do police escort people to the airport. Chavo doesn't know about aunt's family? The Tornado DDT and the follow-up nice elbow drop by Basham on Basham. And SINCE WHEN DID ANYBODY IN THE US WIN A MATCH WITH A SURPRISE ROLL-UP? Postmatch, they beat the crap out of Chavo and this all doesn't make logic and I can't bring myself to care. Postmatch, IT WAS A SET-UP!

 

- MUGAtaker's vignette was BO-RING! BO-RING! His imagery was pedestrian. His threats were hackneyed. If ever there was need of MUGAtaker peeing in an open grave, it was right here. En lieu, BO-RING!

 

- Josh doesn't get the scoop on Angle's fifth member and they show it anyway. Josh is electric and all but this just showboating his electricalness.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Vyce 0]

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- The Smackdown commercial where the announcer corrects Brock Lesner by saying that "We ALL win" when Brock beats Torrie in a bra and panties match really MAKES MY FUCKING SKIN CRAWL. Now, I'm not saying that I'm Sir Lancelot and pure as the driven snow in my pathetic sexual fantasies. I mean come on. You've been alone. You've been watching your tape of the Tick and said to yourself, "Goddam, when American Maid does that flip and rips her clothes off, I get uncontrollably excited." I mean, I understand. American Maid is the fantasy brunette that is akin to being the greatest possible most mountable Sigourney Weaver. And come on. I know you. You've spent secret moments alone in an extended shower and disgraced yourself and your family name and also burned a black mark in your soul by toasting a load to the idea of the Scarlet Witch and Storm using their magic powers to rip each others clothes off. See, that's all fine. There is a little story in your mind. Your fauntasy world steers strangley into the erotic hinterland that all people explore when they get way too bored. But for the WWE to have me have to imagine men- computer game playing men- masturbating to computer generated Torrie having a bra and panties match in a video game- A FUCKING VIDEO GAME- is sooo fucking pathetic that I want to throw up directly onto this computer screen. What kind of fucking repulsive sexually-retarded clientelle is the WWE trying to reach with this ad. I mean, this isn't video tennis or anything. I mean jacking off to a Women's Prison Video game where you can be the corrupt warden and can use a sequence of moves to start a surprise delousing is ONE thing. Jacking off to cgi Torrie is fricking sick. Unless there is a version where she and Bastion Booger play a long game of tennis and then they both take a long break and tenderly towel each other off and brush up against each other and smile and shyly look away as they catch each others eyes and the next thing you know Booger is pressing his winkie through the net to reach Torrie's aching, squishy..... WAIT! Let me erase this.

 

Excuse me while I weep at the beauty and majesty of DEAN~!

[AndrewTS 0]

But for the WWE to have me have to imagine men- computer game playing men- masturbating to computer generated Torrie having a bra and panties match in a video game- A FUCKING VIDEO GAME- is sooo fucking pathetic that I want to throw up directly onto this computer screen. What kind of fucking repulsive sexually-retarded clientelle is the WWE trying to reach with this ad. I mean, this isn't video tennis or anything. I mean jacking off to a Women's Prison Video game where you can be the corrupt warden and can use a sequence of moves to start a surprise delousing is ONE thing. Jacking off to cgi Torrie is fricking sick.

 

Which is more or less what I was saying as soon as they debuted that commercial. That royally screwed up what was, up until that point, an awesome commercial.

 

CG Torrie isn't much less fake than the real thing, but come on...if you have to fantasize about the sun-baked, brainless, big-boobed, blond, bootyless bitch, at least make it be the somewhat more realistic airbrushed semblance in Playboy. Or the 3 million equal/better looking gals in real porn.

 

I like HCTP but that as a selling point pisses me off. Have you seen Trish in that game? She looks like some rare species of large-eyed, hairless primate.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I like HCTP but that as a selling point pisses me off. Have you seen Trish in that game? She looks like some rare species of large-eyed, hairless primate.

So they are also shooting for the demographic that whacks off to mandrills? God help us all.

[Crimson Platypus 0]

Thanks Dean.

[AndrewTS 0]

I like HCTP but that as a selling point pisses me off.  Have you seen Trish in that game?  She looks like some rare species of large-eyed, hairless primate.

So they are also shooting for the demographic that whacks off to mandrills? God help us all.

Considering the way her face is painted up in the game, probably.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I like HCTP but that as a selling point pisses me off.  Have you seen Trish in that game?  She looks like some rare species of large-eyed, hairless primate.

So they are also shooting for the demographic that whacks off to mandrills? God help us all.

Considering the way her face is painted up in the game, probably.

Well, now I'm curious.

 

And thank you, Crimson Platypus.

 

DEAN.

[Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0]

Dean, it's a week late but I just noticed from last week's report that you hate Blind Guardian. This is a beautiful thing sir.

 

Hunt down the first album from Demons & Wizards, it features the 'Guardian singer rocking the fuck out of it whenever he and his pals get bored with their main bands.

 

Go now, or you'll never be complete.