One And Only...12/9/03...yadda yadda yadda

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Good opening "earlier today" segment. David Young/Glenn Gilberti are actually a funny pair. CM Punk sounds like a teenage kid...

 

Kash/Heavy D is on right now...Red Shirts attacked Harris pre-match...

 

Yeah, this looks to be ANOTHER throwaway show.

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

MORE BORING FUCKING JARRETT PROMO TIME. "With me or against me." Beating up Heavy D...Styles in with a chair...takes out Kash, Red Shirts, Triple Hulk Jarrett...promo time? Nope.

 

Team Jarrett surrounds the ring, AJ holds 'em off with the chair...PIPER'S MUSIC HITS~! BAGPIPES, MOTHERFUCKER, BAGPIPES~! **marks out for the bagpipes**

 

Here come the pipers...four of them in total (or five). Fuck, an entire Scottish marching band. Jarrett's awestruck, and looks like he's getting blown from a whore with two teeth and a big tongue.

 

THE LIGHTS GO OUT~! GUERILLA RADIO~! HOT ROD~!~!~!~!~!

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Piper's here to claim NWA turf back. Jarrett still looks like he's getting head from a two-toothed tramp. A WHOOOOOLE bunch of blowjob work for the NWA from Piper, and my mother's telling me some story (that I, of course, don't give a fuck about) about her X-Mas shopping at Wal*Mart and tells me to clean the cat's litter box (though I feed the cat, and it's the FAMILY cat, so she should pull the workload some of the fucking time)...

 

...and more boring Jarrett promo time.

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

"You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk." What the SHIT?! I haven't heard that since I was 8 years old...and it hasn't been cool since I was 5. Team Jarrett's out...

 

D'LO! D'LO'S BACK!!! DOWN WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING BROWN~!~!~!~!

 

But why aren't D'Lo and AJ at odds? Before D'Lo left, he and AJ were kinda feuding...wow, strong booking Dutch...and Piper clears ring while AJ and D'Lo stand there looking pretty. Watts is out, insults Team Jarrett and says Callis is a fag (summed up, not exact words, not even a paraphrase), and I can't help but want to go into the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice.

 

Callis is on the ramp with Team Jarrett, holding the NWA World title. And Team Jarrett begins to retreat while Watts gives a verbal BJ (using all of his teeth) to Piper. ROWDY RODDY FUCKIN' PIPER!!!! HOT ROD, HOT ROD, HOT ROD! GO, ROD, GO! GO, ROD, GO!!!

 

...Don West hasn't had a heart attack yet, and I feel disappointed...anybody out there?

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

AMW's in back with Scott Hudson, and Hudson shows more charisma than both men combined. Typical "YELL YELL SCREAM 'I RULE' AND SHIT" promo from AMW, and I can't help but look at my FUCK list...hey, look, AMW's right on there. FUCK AMW!

 

Oh, and they're wearing white, thus making them look like flaming faggots.

 

Up next is Michael Shane vs. Christopher Daniels, and Shane has the longest reign ever...AND HE'S THE WORST CHAMPION EVER! FUCK YOU, DUTCH! YOU GET NO LOVE UNTIL SHANE LOSES THE FUCKING TITLE! SAVE OUR SOULS, AND OUR TELEVISION, CHRISTOPHER!!!!!

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

I see three others are reading this thread, no doubt wishing me (and Michael Shane) a painful death...REPLY, FUCKTARDS, REPLY!

 

Did I mention how much I love Christopher Daniels' complete and utter ripoff of Tool's "Stinkfist" used as his entrance music? Oh, that's right, because it fucking sucks. If you're going to rip off a song for Daniels, use Marilyn Manson's "Disposeable Teens," since that's what Daniels uses everywhere else.

[deancoles 0]

Michael Shane is worse than Kendo Kashin and that's saying something.

[Guest Peter_Griffin]

AMW's in back with Scott Hudson, and Hudson shows more charisma than both men combined. Typical "YELL YELL SCREAM 'I RULE' AND SHIT" promo from AMW, and I can't help but look at my FUCK list...hey, look, AMW's right on there. FUCK AMW!

 

Oh, and they're wearing white, thus making them look like flaming faggots.

 

Up next is Michael Shane vs. Christopher Daniels, and Shane has the longest reign ever...AND HE'S THE WORST CHAMPION EVER! FUCK YOU, DUTCH! YOU GET NO LOVE UNTIL SHANE LOSES THE FUCKING TITLE! SAVE OUR SOULS, AND OUR TELEVISION, CHRISTOPHER!!!!!

Amen

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

...**crickets chirp as I load the shotgun and put the barrell to Dutch Mantel's temple**...

 

Daniels has a black armband, probably for Malice. Malice was a good big man, and the fans are...in their seats...for Michael Shane...with knives to their throats and razor blades to their wrists...

 

I'm out for a bit, gonna see how bad Michael Shane stinks this match up, so y'all can take over PBP.

 

You dirty wankers.

[Guest Peter_Griffin]

Michael Shane is worse than Kendo Kashin and that's saying something.

I like that guy

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

And Daniels is BUSTED WIDE OPEN, BAH GAWD...from having his shoulder shoved into the steps.

 

Hey...at least Michael Shane learned how to sell SOMETHING right...

[deancoles 0]

How long has the match been so far?

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!!

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

I HOPE MICHAEL SHANE BREAKS HIS FUCKING LEG AND IS OUT FOR 5 MONTHS!!!! HE FUCKING SUCKS!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!!

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

I need a fucking cigarette Michael Shane sucks so bad. GOOD WRESTLING AND GOOD BOOKING, MY ANTI-DRUG. Well, I guess that's why I'll probably die by the age of 22 of an OD at this rate.

 

Gilberti's trying to recruit 3 Live Kru for Team Jarrett, and they be all "WUT TH@ F0 SH33ZY?"

[Guest Coffey]

Corey is bringing the comedy. More entertaining, and cheaper, than an episode of NWA:TNA.

 

*thumbs up*

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

I'm just trying to keep myself from buying a plane ticket to Nashville, going to the Asylum packing heat, and taking out Dutch Mantel, Michael Shane, and Jeff Jarrett in a fit of pure rage.

 

That, and trying to find Raven so I can get an autograph.

[Guest Coffey]

Well, you better take a glock if you expect to get through the metal detectors at the airport.

You better hope that you don't randomly get searched either.

 

Then again, a lot of airports search everyone now. After 9-11 and all.

 

You'll have to get all MacGyver and shit. Take out Dutch with a shoestring or something....

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

KICK HIS HILLBILLY ASS, RON! DO IT FOR RODNEY KING! DO IT FOR OJ SIMPSON! DO IT FOR TITO!

 

TITO JACKSON! TITO JACKSON!

 

And Truth gets tossed out, and Harris bumps into Storm, knocking him off of the apron. Elevated high leg lariat gets a 2, and Simon/Swinger are chilling on the ramp. They try to interfere, but BG blocks them, and then Truth kicks ass by FLYING HIGH LIKE ONLY THE SUNTAN SUPERMAN CAN~!

 

Spear by Harris to James, but the ref's out. Wildcat tries to revive the ref as K-Dawg helps Truth up, and Harris applies the SALAD SHOOTER~! SALAD SHOOTER, SALAD SHOOTER~!~!~!!~! Gilberti comes in with a chair to Harris, and Truth hits the SPINNING AXE KICK~!~!~~!~! 3 LIVE KRU RETAINS! TAKE THAT, AMW! FUCK YOU! HAHA!! YAY, DUTCH MANTEL, YAY!!!

 

Wait, what am I saying? DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! But hey, at least 3LK are still tag champs.

 

Scott Hudson's in the back with Triple Hulk Jarrett, and MORE BORING JARRETT PROMO TIME~! W00T W00T~!~!~!~!

[Lightning Flik 0]

This is GREAT! I love this running commentary! Keep it up Corey! Keep it up!

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Taped promo with CM Punk and Julio Dinero, where they voice their disgust over Raven abandoning them. Well, that's what they SHOULD be doing, BUT DUTCH WON'T PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! Instead, they're hyping their match with the Red Shirts, where Northcutt will BRING THE VANILLA~! and Julio will BRING THE BOTCHED SPOTS~! Punk and Legend are going to have to haul ass to make this match good, and I'm expecting massive amounts of run-in's (since this is WWE Lite and all).

[Guest Coffey]

I didn't even know that 3LK ever won the tag titles. I don't know how I could've missed that. I usually read The Dames Diatribe. Seeing as how it's been M.I.A. a couple times, I'm going to assume that's why I didn't hear about it.

 

If I'm wrong, oh well. I don't even bother to download the shows anymore unless you guys say they are good.

[Guest Burrito]

Who is Heavy D? I haven't kept up with TNA lately (and I don't get the PPVs on my satellite) so i'm kinda lost as to who he is.

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Boring brawling, and Northcutt goes after Punk, ut eats a springboard crossbody as Legend gets hit with a spinning heel kick by Julio. JULIO IGLESIAS? Non, Julio Dinero. MUCHO DISAPPOINTO~!

 

Nortchutt and Punk in the ring now, lariat gets a 2 by Kevin (who will now be referred to as BIG VANILLA). Legend tags in, and he waffles (mmmm...waffles) Punk with rights. Stomp gets a 2. In the corner of the screen, we see Abyss taking a shit...or something. And now we see Raven...ummmm...watching porn and smoking pot. Whatever. BACK TO THE RING~!

 

Legend with a chinlock to Punk, and there's RESTHOLD NUMBARE WUN~! Punk fights out to no avail (since the Asylum crowd is like a real asylum crowd: HEAVILY SEDATED), and Punk nails a forearm before going for a tag, but Legend catches him and tags in BIG VANILLA~!

 

YES~! GIANT SWING~!!~!~! W00T W00T~!!~!~ Legend hits a dropkick out of the GIANT SWING~!, which gets a 2. Some bland heel stuff (eye rakes, fingerpokes, etc.) before Punk reverses a scoop into a School Boy for 1. Sidekick by Legend knocks Punk down, and gets a 2.

 

Wow...WWE Women's move, as Legend stands on Punk's hair and pulls his arms up. Legend with the RUNNING IMMORTAL FISTDROP, which gets 2. A standing "Shit On Your Face" armbar by Legend, and there's RESTHOLD NUMBARE DU! Punk's reaching for Julio's junk (I guess to make a tag), but Legend brings in Big Vanilla, who goes to town on Punk's salad...for 2.

 

And my hand hurts from having to wank to get interested in this match (no, really, not even the promise of an orgasm makes Big Vanilla interesting)...and I think Big Vanilla played Pitstain on Pete & Pete. Seriously! LOOK AT THAT SWEAT~!!~!

 

Suplex gets 2, and Punk is playing the Ricky Morton of the Punk Rock Express (which I'll call Julio/CM from now on). Tag to Legend, and Julio WANTS THE TAG! Ummm...some gay move with a straight jacket puts CM down, but Punk refuses to stay down. FIGHT BACK, PUNK! SPEW THE CM SPUNK INTO HIS EYE AND MAKE THE TAG!!!!!

 

Cobra Clutch (Resthold NUMBARE TREE!) gets reversed into a hiptoss, and Julio is HOUSE...EN...flambé! Punk (or Julio, I was distracted) gets a roll-up (not the delicious fruit kind, mind you) for 3, and Big Vanilla Pitstain is pissed.

 

Scott Hudson's in the back with Douglas, Traci (with an I, DAMMIT!), and RHK. Man, I remember when Douglas could go in the ring...those were the days...

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Who is Heavy D? I haven't kept up with TNA lately (and I don't get the PPVs on my satellite) so i'm kinda lost as to who he is.

Don Harris. "Heavy D" is Don's nickname, whereas "Big Ron" is Ron's nickname. Yep, standard white trash biker nicknames.

 

DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!!

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Here comes Shane Douglas...and I feel bad for whoever he's wrestling tonight, because they're going to look like shit. LET'S HOPE SHANE DOESN'T PUKE!

 

Who is this...Sonjay? Weird Arabian metal plays...oh, wait, it's part of Shane's "Perfect Strangers" ripoff...

 

Oh no...Shane's going to make HAIL SABIN~! look like shit...motherFUCKER!

 

I'm not going to do PBP for this match, because Douglas will suck it up.

[Guest Burrito]

Sorry for all the questions, but who is all in Jarretts little crew?

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Decent match, actually, but the finish blew goat. Sabin won with a Victory Roll after causing Douglas to crash into Traci, and dropkicking RHK before he could interfere. West said "he stole one, Mike!", thus proving to me that they need to fucking MAKE WEST A HEEL ANNOUNCER ALREADY, DAMMIT!

 

Hype video (colored clips from Xplosion promo's) for Raven/Abyss, and here comes Abyss to his CARNIVAL ROCK~!

 

I'm actually looking forward to this match, as Raven's fucking great, and Abyss is fucking great for a HOSS~! Abyss really needs some new clothes, though. Even a pair of normal pants, instead of sweatpants, would be cool. Did I ever mention how much I hate Raven's theme? Because I don't. It's a good ripoff of his WCW theme, which was a ripoff of Nirvana's "Come As You Are." Why not rip off his ECW theme, The Offspring's "Come Out And Play"?

 

Raven comes out in a hoodie, and he's apparently bleached part of his hair. YES~! RAVEN SAT IN THE CORNER~! W00T W00T, OLD SCHOOL~! Staredown int the center of the ring, tie up, in the corner, Abyss CLUBS RAVEN DOWN~!~!!~!~!

 

Raven back up, and Abyss goes back to CLUBBIN~! I wonder if Abyss would like Dusty Rhodes...meh. Raven dodges an avalanche, and Abyss gets crotches on the second turnbuckle, and then Raven slams his head into the top a few times. Off the ropes, and Raven gets hit with a big boot before drop toeholding Abyss out of the ring. Punches, and then Raven slams Abyss into the steps, and whips him into the guardrai...NO! Abyss reverses, and Raven takes it LIKE A MAN~!

 

Abyss with a chokehold (RESTHOLD NUMBARE WUN), and then more CLUBBIN~! I feel like Kotz with all this clubbin' going on. Abyss threatens to rape the cameraman, and then slams Raven's head into the steps before MORE CLUBBIN'~! Punch...punch...CLOTHESLINE...punch...CLOTHESLINES RAVEN OVER THE GUARDRAIL. Brawl in the crowd now, and my PBP goes silent.

[tpww7 0]

Good job Corey..but BOY this show sounds BAD.

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Sorry for all the questions, but who is all in Jarretts little crew?

Jarrett, Callis, Legend, Big Vanilla Pitstain (Kevin Northcutt), Kid Kash, Glenn Gilberti, David Young, Abyss, and make Simon/Swinger.

 

Back at ringside after a PLASTIC CHAIR SHOT (which Tenay called "steel," though is obviously made of melted GI Joe figures), and Abyss GETS THE TABLE! Fuck D-Von, Abyss rules! The table is stacked in the corner, and Raven gets to his feet as Abyss makes sure the table stays...and stays...and stays...Raven hits the left, another left, and goes for the discuss lariat, but Abyss catches him with a bearhug.

 

RESTHOLD NUMBARE DU~! Raven's channelling Hulkamania, and comes off of the ropes for a lariat, but gets caught in another bearhug. RESTHOLD NUMBARE TREE! Abyss goes back to the table, and makes sure it stays (duct tape would work, dude, find some). Raven in the corner to his feet, and dodges a spear that sends Abyss shoulder-first into the post. Abyss takes a nap on the second turnbuckle, and then Raven hits a lariat. Whip into the corner, Abyss bounces back...DIVING LARIAT! Raven makes sure the table is set up, and goes for the DDT, but Abyss piucks him up with the Torture Rack Backbreaker. 1...2...RAVEN KICKS OUT...to a lukewarm response. DAMN YOU, NASHVILLAINS!

 

Abyss seems to be waiting for Raven so he can plow his asshole, and goes for another Torture Rack Backbreaker, but Raven turns it into a bulldog. Nice move, actually. Raven covers, but Legend distracts the ref. Raven hits the punch, punch, lariat...and ABYSS SPEARS HIS FUCKING ASS THROUGH THE MOTHERFUCKING CUNTBOX OF A TABLE!! GORE, GORE, GORE!!!!!!!!!!! Neither man moves...and the ref doesn't even count? The shit?

 

Both men struggle to their feet, and Legend hops onto the apron to take out Raven. Abyss goes for a lariat on Raven, but Raven moves. Abyss goes for a clothesline...NO! DDT!!! DD-FUCKING-T!!! FEEL THE...uhh...BANG?

 

Legend pulls the ref out of the ring, and Big Vanilla Pitstain joins him (after attacking Raven, which got a 2 after Abyss covered). The crowd seems to stop listening to Tool, and are now into the match. BEARHUG~! YES~!~!! RESTHOLD NUMBARE FO! Don't lose to a resthold, man! NO! NO! NO! His arm drops once...twice...three times...NO! Raven has life! HE'S ALIVE...ALIIIIIVE!!!!

 

Raven with a lowblow, then a superkick which sends Abyss...over...?...no, THROUGH the ropes, Red Shirts come in, but Raven takes 'em out, and the ref DQ's Abyss (though they never touched him). Abyss hits the Blackhole Slam, and then the Punk Rock Express come in for the save. Punk kicks the fuck out of Big Vanilla Pitstain while Julio breaks Legend's taco, and Raven CLOTHESLINES ABYSS OVER THE TOP~! PIER SIX! I guess they skipped Pier One, but hey, it doesn't look like they shop there anyways.

 

Raven and Abyss are back in the ring, and out, as the Red Shirts and Abyss waste the Punk Rock Express and Raven. Pitstain and Abyss club Raven down, and...NO! They were going to break Raven's arm, but the Punk Rock Express came back! Abyss is alone with Raven adn the PRE in the ring, and Raven waffles him Belgian-style with the chair. Raven gets a mic, "this ain't over," and says he's still standing after taking a Blackhole Slam last week and this week. "I'M STILL STANDING!!!"

 

Next week, The Gathering vs. Red Shirts/Abyss in...First Blood? I didn't hear the stipulation. Holy fuck...that chair is practically bent in half! Tenay reminds us that the match next week is a steel cage match, so hey...

 

NWA TNA...NWA TeNAy...OH MY GOD! TENAY IS JESUS!