Ringin' in the New Year With the SWF!

[Chuck Woolery 0]

December 31st, 2003

 

 

12:30 PM EST

Virgin Superstore, New York, New York

 

We are live on Bravo, the channel notorious for the queer guys. It appears they've decided to foray into wrestling, and their first leap is to host the SWF New Year's Eve special, live from the Virgin Megastore! The entire ground floor is roped off, and there is a wrestling ring set up in the very centre, where right now Wildchild is having his way with a jobber by the name of Paintballer X 9000. Fans crowd the superstore, shopping for electronic toys and occasionally stopping to watch the match in the middle. We cut back to a shot of what has been affectionately dubbed Raynor Station, where three sofas are set up in a horseshoe pattern, and a male and a female sit on the middle sofa. The female greets us.

 

"Hello, fans, and welcome to Ringin' In The New Year With The SWF! I'm Nancy Wall, of TV's The Daily Show, and this is my co-host, washed-up former Saturday Night Live cast member Tim Meadows!"

 

Meadows grins, a bit embarassed. "Thanks, Nancy. For the next eleven and a half hours, Bravo is YOUR home to fun, partying, and more, live from the Virgin Superstore in New York City, New York! SWF stars will be stopping in all afternoon and well into the night, and we'll have former SWF Champion, 'The Superior One' Tom Flesher as our guest host for the final hour! So stay tuned, sports fans -- Bravo and the Virgin Superstore are YOUR home to hours and hours of New Year's Eve fun!"

 

We fade back to a shot of Wildchild, setting Paintballer X 9000 up for the Wild Ride, and then fade to black...

 

 

2:00 PM EST

Virgin Superstore, New York, New York

 

We cut to a shot of Times Square, and most importantly the giant ball, set to drop as the clock strikes midnight! We then fade back inside the Virgin Superstore, where in the ring Michael Craven has Ted Flink locked in the crossface. We fade back in on Raynor Station, where Tim Meadows and Nancy Wall sit, making idle conversation.

 

"Hey, Nancy."

 

"Yeah, Tim?"

 

"What's small, brown, and found in a baby's diaper?"

 

"..."

 

"Michael Jackson's hand!"

 

"It's really no wonder Saturday Night Live got rid of you."

 

"Even so. Welcome back to Ringin' In The New Year With The SWF, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Tim Meadows, accompanied by Nancy Wall. As soon as the match in the ring between Michael Craven and Ted Flink ends, we have a very, very special surprise for you!"

 

Nancy picks up where Tim leaves off. "And don't forget, still to come we have 'The Superior One' Tom Flesher, and we've just been informed that the Fab Five will be making a visit -- so you don't want to turn that dial!"

 

Tim grins. "For now, let's go to a shot of the ring, where I believe the match is finishing up..."

 

We cut to the ring, where Ted Flink is tapping out to Michael Craven's crossface! The fans watching the match boo as Craven leaves the ring, and security comes out to help Flink out of the building. Up in Raynor Station, Meadows and Nancy Wall both share a smile, and Wall speaks.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, coming out now to perform her hit single, 'So Yesterday', on loan from the Disney Channel, please welcome... HILARY DUFF!"

 

The fans in the Virgin Megastore, being over the age of twelve, greet this news with a lukewarm response, as Hilary Duff steps down the aisle, waving to the six-year-old twins cheering her name. She steps into the ring, smiling nervously.

 

"Hey, guys! I'd like to thank you all for this opportunity to showcase my talents to all of you! Thank you, you guys are awesome!"

 

The track begins, with Hilary's beautiful voice booming out over the loudspeakers. She sings, she dances, and as the beautiful notes hit the P.A. system even the adults are reduced to tears, moved by the vivacious young (jailbait) blonde's performance. Finally, we hit the chorus, and the fans are on their feet!

 

You're so yesterday, so yesterday

I'm just a bird that's already flown away

 

We cut to a shot of Tim Meadows, tearing up, and back to the ring.

 

So yes - yes - yes - yes - yes

 

Hilary looks confused, but anybody who has seen a Milli Vanilli performance knows exactly what is happening, and within seconds the vicious fans inside the Virgin litter the virgin with garbage! She tries to apologize over the microphone, but is stopped by The Boston Strangler, rushing down the aisle and sliding into the ring! Viciously, he spears Hilary Duff, and her anguished cries send a wave of cheers throughout the audience!

 

We cut to a shot of Michael Eisner, sitting in the Disney studios. "I'm so suing."

 

Cut back to the ring, where Hilary is being helped by security, and The Boston Strangler is lifted onto several fans' shoulders, paraded around the ring for his moment of justice. We cut back to a shot of Raynor Station, where Tim Meadows and Nancy Wall sit, a bit shocked. Meadows checks his earpiece.

 

"Fans, we've just gotten word that Alan Clark is going to come down here to address this situation! You're not going to want to miss that, and it's coming up next!"

 

We fade back in on the ring for a few moments, before cutting to an obviously pretaped segment, where a man sits, facing the camera in an unlit room.

 

"Tonight... I make my return, and I bring one man to justice... tonight is my night."

 

We cut back to the ring, where Hilary Duff is being helped out of the ring by Alan Clark and... Va'aiga?! ... before fading to black.

 

 

5:30 PM EST

Virgin Superstore, New York, New York

 

"We're a mere six hours from 2004!" says Tim Meadows as we fade in on a shot of the ring, where at the moment Dace Night is taking Jay Morrison to school.

 

Next to him, Nancy Wall sighs. "Six and a half hours, Tim."

 

"Right, right," Tim says, obviously paying little attention. "Anyway, when we hit the half hour our special guest, Alan Clark, will be joining us here in Raynor Station."

 

As Meadows says this we cut back to Raynor Station, where Tim and Nancy sit, both of them smiling. Tim looks at his watch. "Well, would you look at that... it's five-thirty, so let's introduce our special guest... from Disneyland, USA, Alan Clark!"

 

Alan Clark enters Raynor Station, all smiles as he walks into the horseshoe of sofas, shaking hands with Tim and kissing Nancy before sitting down, a smile plastered on his face. Tim grins at him.

 

"So, Alan," Nancy says. "You represent the Walt Disney corporation, can you tell us how they feel about the SWF's treatment of your newest teen sensation, Hilary Duff?"

 

Alan clears his throat. "The Walt Disney corporation is very upset with the SWF's treatment of Hilary Duff, and if they hadn't signed a waiver of liability with the SWF, the Walt Disney corporation would currently be filing a lawsuit against the SWF."

 

Tim grins, and nudges Alan in the ribs with an elbow. "I guess that'd be what we in the business call a 'heel turn', eh, Alan?"

 

Clark looks at Tim, who is chuckling at his own joke. "Actually, Mr. Meadows, it would be a damaging blow to the SWF's bank account."

 

Tim shuts up.

 

"So, Mr. Clark," Nancy continues. "What are your thoughts on capturing the SJL Championship?"

 

"Well, I, and the Walt Disney Corporation, are very happy about this development, although after this recent development with Ms. Duff I may vacate the belt and leave the promotion."

 

A good deal of fans watching the interview begin to cheer, and Alan Clark begins to get visibly frustrated. Tim Meadows, however, just grins.

 

"It appears these fans are in the process of turning you heel themselves, Mr. Clark," he says with a sadistic smirk.

 

"With all due respect, Mr. Meadows," Clark says, "You wouldn't have the slightest idea of any wrestling terminology." And with a satisfied smile, Alan relaxes... only to get what appears to be a message on his headset. "Oh, and Mr. Eisner says that you sucked on SNL."

 

The fans begin booing, but their boos turn to cheers. Alan just smiles, unsure why... until he finds himself in a monstrous shadow! Clark turns around...

 

POW!

 

Right into a Knuckle Bomb from Janus! Clark falls off the sofa, and Tim Meadows and Nancy Wall politely applaud as Janus steps over the sofa, grabbing Alan Clark and taking him offstage. Tim and Nancy look at the camera, when suddenly Nancy grabs her headset.

 

"Fans, I've just been informed that we're going to have a very special surprise guest tonight -- but we don't know when he's coming! You're not going to want to miss that, and everything else, when Ringin' In The New Year With The SWF returns!"

 

We cut to a shot of the ring, where Charlie Matthews is defending his ICTV title against Landon Maddix, before we fade to black...

 

 

8:00 PM EST

Virgin Superstore, New York, New York

 

We fade back in on the starlit night in New York City, Times Square now full of people, nearly rioting as police officers hold them back. We get a shot of THE BALL, brightly lit -- its descent looms imminent, oh yes it does. We fade back into the Virgin Megastore, where the bottom floor is slowly crowding with people. In the ring right now, Ejiro Fasaki is defending the SWF Heavyweight Championship against Xcalibur, and doing quite a number on the X-man. We fade back into Raynor Station, where Tim Meadows and Nancy Wall sit, Tim now holding a martini in his hand. He sips it as Nancy brings us back.

 

"We're a mere four hours away from 2004, sports fans!" Wall says with a smile. "Welcome back to Bravo, and Ringin' In The New Year With The SWF! If you're just tuning in, you've missed good wrestling action, in addition to the spear that will live on in SWF history.

 

Tim sets down his martini, grinning into his microphone. "Right now, however, we're going to be joined by the man who made this night possible, the soul responsible for the biggest coup in the history of the Bravo channel... ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a warm welcome for "Grand Slam" Mark Stevens!"

 

::Crack!::

 

"Go Home" by Blessid Union of Souls commences, and the fans inside the Virgin Megastore explode as "Grand Slam" Mark Stevens steps into the picture, wearing a Genesis IV cap and his trademark varsity jacket. He shakes hands with Tim Meadows, kisses Nancy Wall on the cheek and sits down on a sofa, grinning a bit.

 

"Welcome to New York, Mr. Stevens," Meadows says, "and it's a pleasure to have you here to help us ring in the new year!"

 

"Well, Tim, Nancy, it's a pleasure to be here, and it's a pleasure to have the Bravo channel presenting the SWF new year's special."

 

"It's a pleasure to host, but enough of the bulls**t." The censors make the first bleep of the night, and Tim Meadows hops a bit. Nancy blushes. "Sorry, but come on, lovefests kill me. Anyway, Grand Slam, the first question I have is, what do you think of the action the SWF superstars have brought here tonight?"

 

"I think it's excellent, Nancy," Stevens says. "The Fasaki title defence was very good, and Matthews/Maddix was a show-stealer. Also, I've booked Thugg versus The Authority for tonight's main event, so that should be an entertaining match. The Hilary Duff presentation was entertaining... everything, I feel, has been a huge success, and there's stil more to come."

 

"Excellent, Mark," Tim says. "Next question -- have you ever seen Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"

 

"Indeed I have, Tim," Stevens says with a chuckle. "I'm not a big fan, but Lynn absolutely loves it."

 

"Mark," Nancy says, "can you tell us who the mystery man is that will be making an appearance sometime tonight?"

 

Stevens grins. "All I can tell you, Nance, is that you probably won't be surprised in the slightest... but you'll still be happy."

 

"Awesome." Tim grins and stands up. "It's been a pleasure to have you here, Grand Slam."

 

"It's been a pleasure to be here."

 

"Let's hear it one more time for Mark Stevens!" The crowd in the Virgin Superstore roars as Stevens exits Raynor Station, and Meadows sits back down, sipping his martini.

 

Nancy speaks. "We're a mere three and a half hours away, fans! Still to come, Tom Flesher joins us here in Raynor Station, and the Thugg goes one on one with The Authority! Plus -- the mystery man makes an appearance! You won't want to miss a moment of the action, as the Bravo channel continues to Ring in the New Year with the SWF!"

 

We fade to a shot of the ring, as Fasaki makes the pinfall on Xcalibur, before cutitng back to Times Square, where the crowd is raucous.

 

 

11:50 PM EST

Virgin Superstore, New York, New York

 

"The crowd is electric here in the Virgin Superstore," says Tim Meadows, standing in Raynor Station. Indeed, the fans are roaring, as in the ring The Authority stands, preparing to square off with Thugg.

 

Nancy Wall, in Raynor Station, grins. "If you're just joining us, I'm Nancy Wall of television's The Daily Show, here with Tim Meadows, and special guest host Tom Flesher, who's here to bring us into the new year! How's the ego, Tom?"

 

"Minorly bruised, but I fully intend to rebound," Tom shoots back.

 

"Excellent," Meadows says. "Now, Tom, we've been told that a mystery man will be appearing sometime tonight, but we haven't been told of his identity, and he certainly hasn't shown up yet. My question to you is -- who do you think it is?"

 

Tom eyes Meadows carefully. "Well, Tim, to be perfectly frank I think it's Mike Van Siclen."

 

Silence.

 

"What would give you that idea, Tom?" Nancy says, chuckling nervously.

 

"Well, the simple fact that he's been due back for a while."

 

"Or maybe," Meadows says, an overdone look of shock on his face. "You're telling us it'll be Mike Van Siclen to throw us off the case of who it REALLY is! I think it's Suicide King."

 

"Regardless," Nancy says, "in just a few moments we'll go to Times Square for the dropping of the ball, but in the meantime let's check out the ring, where the Thugg is brutally decimating The Authority!"

 

Indeed, we cut to a shot of the ring, where Thugg grabs Authority by the neck, nonchalantly lifting him into the air and spinning a couple of times before chokeslamming him into the mat! Thugg grins sadistically, pinning the Authority... and there's the three count!

 

"And Thugg picks up the last SWF pinfall of 2003!" Meadows says, only to be caught from behind by a forearm from Flesher! Meadows hits the floor, and Flesher pins him -- and Nancy Wall counts three! Flesher stands up, dusts himself off and grins.

 

"Gin."

 

Meadows stands up, chuckling a bit. "Nicely done, Tom. Anyway, it's already 11:59 -- where has the time gone? Ladies and gentlemen, let's go to Times Square for the dropping of the ball!

 

We fade to THE BALL, as the countdown begins!

 

10!

 

 

 

9!

 

 

 

 

 

8!

 

 

 

 

 

7!

 

 

 

 

 

 

6!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5!

 

 

 

 

the spaces add suspense, you see

 

 

4!

 

 

 

 

3!

 

 

 

 

2!

 

 

 

 

 

1!

 

 

 

...and the Virgin Megastore blacks out! The neon lights of the ball light the place, but still, it is thrust into a panic... until...

 

"YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO DIE!"

 

Tom grins. "I was right."

 

Indeed, the lights explode back on and Andrew W.K.'s "Ready To Die" blasts over the speakers as Mike Van Siclen steps through the curtain and down the aisle! The fans begin cheering as Van Siclen slides into the ring, grabbing a microphone and beginning to speak.

 

"Well, this is the first SWF promo of 2004... welcome to the new year!"

 

The crowd roars, and Van Siclen grins.

 

"More importantly, it's time for the very first SWF New Year's Resolution, and that is this... February 1st, 2004, you will see the winner of the fourth Clusterfuck... and that will be me, Mike Van Siclen. Be warned, my SWF compatriots, one-on-one, you may stop me... but come Clusterfuck, there will be nothing that stops me from becoming #1 contender to the SWF Championship!"

 

The fans roar, but Van Siclen quiets them, continuing.

 

"Number two... after I become number one contender, on March 7th, 2003, the dream that I have held onto for four years will come true, as I pin Ejiro Fasaki, or Michael Craven, or Danny Williams -- whoever the champion is then, their shoulders will be on the mat, as the Clusterfuck winner, Mike Van Siclen, adds another notch to his belt -- the notch of SWF Heavyweight Champion!"

 

The volume in the Virgin Superstore grows louder, and Van Siclen continues.

 

"Number three! I had hoped that I could accomplish this on March 7th, but after Twas The Fight that goal was thrust out of my reach. Tom Flesher!" Tom, in Raynor Station, suddenly snaps to attention, and glares down at Van Siclen. "Two years ago, you stopped my rise, you broke my leg... in fact, the injury you inflicted upon me is directly related to the extra year I spent in the godforsaken preparatory leagues. And I had intended, upon my return, to make you pay on March 7th, and in the process take the SWF Championship from you... but then, Ejiro Fasaki did that a week and a half ago."

 

Van Siclen grins. "Tom, you know I respect you. You're a two-time champion, you've done things in this fed that other people can only dream of." Flesher nods, and the crowd begins to cheer, but Van Siclen hushes them, continuing on. "And that is why, when I pin you in the middle of an SWF ring, 1-2-3, clear as day... well, Tom Flesher, getting vengeance on you will make it sweet. And your status in this federation will make my victory all the sweeter."

 

Van Siclen grins as the fans, for the first time, begin to boo, but he continues on. "And finally, I plan to get this one out of the way on January 7th. At Twas The Fight, a very god friend of mine was put out of action. We were pals in the sWo, we respected each other, and he is truly one of the best SWF wrestlers today. If you don't know who I'm talking about by now... I'm talking about Mak Francis."

 

The crowd cheers, and a small "FRAAAAAN - CHISE!" chant starts up, as Van Siclen continues. "I watched that show, and I couldn't do anything as the most vicious, most lethal pasting I have seen since Charlie Matthews' bare behind versus his mother's hand took place. But come January 7th, on SWF Lockdown, I can claim a bit of vengeance for this act. So right now, as the cameras stop rolling and millions of people go to bed, I'm going to issue a challenge... to HVT, the Thugg!"

 

The crowd roars as Van Siclen continues, aware that he's running out of time. "Thugg, I challenge you, one-on-one, for SWF Lockdown... and knowing that your pride will force you to accept, I look forward to beating the piss out of you... for Mak Francis, for everyone you've ever beaten down, I fully intend to do the same to you."

 

Van Siclen grins. "And since I can't think of a catchphrase, goodnight, New York, and have a wonderful 2004!"

 

Van Siclen leaves, and we cut to a shot of Tim Meadows and Nancy Wall, alongside Tom Flesher. Flesher speaks first.

 

"Well, Nancy, Tim, it appears that I've got Mike Van Siclen to answer to."

 

"And so does the Thugg!" Wall says enthusiastically.

 

"Nancy is absolutely right," says Tim Meadows. "For Nancy Wall, Tom Flesher, the entire staff here at the Bravo Channel, I am Tim Meadows. Don't forget to check out SWF Lockdown, January 7th, which will feature -- assuming Thugg accepts -- Thugg v. Mike Van Siclen in a battle that will be an excellent way to kick in the new year! From Virgin Superstore in New York, New York... goodnight, and have an excellent 2004!"

 

And the crowd, their roar, is the last thing we hear before we...

 

FADE TO BLACK

Edited January 1, 2004 by Chuck Woolery

[TheBostonStrangler 0]

I got to spear Hillary Duff. Word.

[Thoth 0]

Strangler just got a MONSTER face push.

[The Amazing Rando 0]

People...boo....ME?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...since WHEN?

 

 

and...

 

 

*SELLS*

[Hank Kingsley 0]

I'm lovin it.

 

 

But I still say Clark goes down with the ball to ring in the new year.

[The Amazing Rando 0]

Bastard.

[Chuck Woolery 0]

And thus, the saga is complete. Enjoy, and feedback, as always, is appreciated.

[HVilleThugg 0]

Prepare to die.

 

Da "will be firing a promo back sometime in the next day or so" H