Guest Frank_Nabbit Report post Posted July 10, 2004 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then the young man shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UZI Suicide 0 Report post Posted July 10, 2004 In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Fred what the hell are you doing!?" Fred smiles and replies, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ravenbomb 0 Report post Posted July 10, 2004 a man walked up to me and said he hadn't had anything to eat in a long time, so I bit him Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Nanks Report post Posted July 10, 2004 Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each is trying to prove they are the toughest. The Kiwi says, "I reckon I'm the meanest, toughest, hang-glider there is, just the other day I landed in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate six men who were close by. I grabbed the croc, wrestled him to the ground and killed him with my bare hands." The South African pipes up, thinking that he has one better, "I landed after a 200-kilometre flight on a tiny trail, and a Black Mamba slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grabbed the bastard with my bare hands and bit his head off then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp and I’m still standing. The Aussie bloke remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
spiny norman 0 Report post Posted July 10, 2004 There was a guy walking down the street. Coming the other way from his was another man, but attached to his neck instead of a head was a giant orange. The guy, never one to be too nosey, found this to be a rare moment and so stopped the man. "Excuse me, I'd hate to be rude, but you do realise you have a giant orange for a head?" he asked. "Yes, of course I know. You think I'd go outside not knowing how I looked?" replied the man with the orangehead. "Of course, of course. If I may ask, how did you get such a thing?" "Well, one day I was walking along the beach, minding my own business, when I unexpectedly came across a lamp. I picked it up and rubbed it, as one does, when a genie popped out. "'You have three wishes,' the genie said. "'Okay, for my first wish, I want a million dollars,' I said. "'Done!' and then a million dollars in twenty dollar bills fell from the sky. "'My second wish is to be able to get with any girl I want,' I said. I then turned to a passing woman and said 'Hey, you'll do' at which point she was putty in my hands and we made sweet love." "Hey, those two wishes are great and all," said the guy, "but it still doesn't explain how you managed to gain a giant orange for a head." "Oh, my third wish was that I had a giant orange for my head." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted July 10, 2004 awesome.^ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Youth N Asia 0 Report post Posted July 10, 2004 Q: What do you call someone else's cheese? A: NACHO CHEESE! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Star Ocean 3 0 Report post Posted July 10, 2004 A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to get him to come!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Star Ocean 3 0 Report post Posted July 11, 2004 What's the best part of having sex with twenty eight year olds? There's twenty of them. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mandarin 0 Report post Posted July 11, 2004 I'm gonna find some lame jokes and then somehow insert luchadores into them, instantly making them better. Two guys walk into a bar. Villiano IV ducks. Two cannibals and El Dandy are eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The joke (pre-lucha) Super Calo, who is holding a baby (Lizmark Jr. Jr.), gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at them and says, "Damn, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The offended luchadore slams in his bus fare and sits at the back of the bus. La Parka sees that he's agitated and asks what is wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!", Super Calo fumes. "That's outrageous!", says La Parka. “He’s a public servant and shouldn’t be insulting passengers.” "You're right!", Super Calo says. “I think I’ll go up there and give him a piece of my mind!” "That’s a good idea," says La Parka. "I’ll hold your monkey." See how much better it is? Coming up next: WCW announcers! Mongo, Stevie Ray and Lee Marshall all go up in a hot air balloon. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LaParkaYourCar 0 Report post Posted July 14, 2004 a man walked up to me and said he hadn't had anything to eat in a long time, so I bit him Did you mean to tell that one wrong? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
