Smarkdown Losing matches

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Well, I figured I'd lose, as the match made no sense to me, so I jobbed in case Carnage didn't show. But, I liked the whole Funyon-as-Don King stuff, so here it is.

 

Smarkdown returns from a commercial and the multitude of cameras pan around the arena, showcasing such signs as “EBONY HEARTS LADY SASQUATCH!” and “SILENCER > SILENT” before stopping in front of Bobby Riley and Cyclone Comet.

 

“Welcome back to Smarkdown! We’re about a week away from Ashes to Ashes, but that doesn’t mean we’re slacking off!” Comet exclaims.

 

“Yes it does. We’ve only got three matches scheduled, one of which has already taken place. That’s some high quality slack, right there,” Riley says, leaning back in his chair in a manner that would make any member of a labor union proud.

 

“Well, regardless of that, we’ve got an interesting match right now as Andrea Montgomery takes on the current Hardcore Gamers champion, Carnage, in a non-title match, but under hardcore rules. If she wins, Andrea will join the current number one contender in facing Carnage at Ashes to Ashes with the belt on the line. However, if Carnage comes out victorious, he’ll only have one opponent for the Pay Per View,” Comet states.

 

“Is it just me, or does that make no sense? I mean, if Andrea wins, and I’m not saying that she’ll be able to, just speculating, she has to face Carnage again at Ashes to Ashes. And should she escape with a win there, Carnage will most likely invoke his rematch clause, so Andrea Montgomery and Carnage could possibly face each other three times in the span of about two weeks,” Riley says.

 

“Very true, Robert, but as you said, that’s all dependent on whether or not Andrea Montgomery defeats Carnage here tonight. And Funyon is in the ring, so let’s get this match started!” Comet shouts.

 

The lights drop down, plunging the arena into pitch blackness. Suddenly, an explosion on the stage brings light flooding back in a blinding flash. No Doubt’s “Just a Girl” starts up on the speakers as Andrea and Zutroy come from behind the curtain and make their way down the ramp.

 

“Ladies and most gentle of men, the following exhibition of pugilism is scheduled for a single fall, during which neither hold nor object shall be barred. Introducing first, from the coastal city of Biloxi located in the magnolia state of Mississippi, she is accompanied by her much respected sibling and former Smartmarks Wrestling Federation grappler, Zutroy Montgomery, and weighing in at the svelte one hundred, forty-three pounds, the female who’s fleet of foot, the dame with the damaging DDT known as Done and Dusted, ANDREA MONTGOMERY!” Funyon shouts, perhaps still portraying Don King from last night.

 

Andrea slides under the ring and stands tall as the fans cheer her on.

 

“That was quite the verbose introduction by Funyon,” Comet says.

 

“Yeah,” Riley adds.

 

The lights dim and white fog envelops the stage as Drowning Pool’s “Bodies” comes to life. Carnage steps from behind the curtain, HCG title on his shoulder, and a baseball bat wrapped with barbed wire in his hand.

 

“And now, her most paranoiac of adversaries. He hails from the most esoterically clandestine location simply referred to as Parts Unknown and tips the scales at a stocky three hundred, seven pounds. He is currently the possessor of the Hardcore Gamers championship belt which will be defended in a similar regulation free gladiatoriolus at the extravaganza event known as Ashes to Ashes that requires payment prior to surveyance. He also has earned the right to engage the World Heavyweight champion in a fracas for the aforementioned title. He is the masked madman, the muscular maniac, user of the terrifying Tombstone piledriver, CARNAGE!” Funyon shouts.

 

Carnage slowly climbs the ring steps and steps between the top and middle ropes. He casually slides the belt from his shoulder and tosses it into a corner. Referee Heywood Jablome, not forced to search for foreign objects, simply calls for the bell.

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

Carnage rushes Andrea and takes a wild swing that she easily ducks under. Just as he’s turning around, Carnage eats a jumping spin kick on the jaw. She quickly fires off another kick, this one hitting Carnage on the wrist, loosening his grip on the bat. Hoping to turn the tide in her favor, Andrea lashes out with another kick for Carnage’s hand, forcing him to drop the bat. She scoops it up and swings in one fluid motion, but Carnage manages to grab the bat along the handle just below the barbed wire. Knowing she can’t overpower him, Drea lets go of the weapon, and as he raises it above his head, she slides into his legs, knocking the big man to the mat.

 

“Andrea Montgomery is going to have a tough time in this match. Carnage is stronger than her, pretty much every wrestler in the federation is, but he’s not a lumbering big man. He’s got some speed to him, obviously not enough to match Andrea, but enough that coupled with his power, can be very dangerous,” Comet points out.

 

“She’d just better grab a weapon, any weapon, and put it to good use early and often,” Riley states.

 

Andrea turns to her brother, asking for some kind of help, and he promptly ducks his head under the apron in search of weaponry. He pulls out a two-by-four and tosses it into the ring just as Carnage is picking himself off the mat. The board sails over Drea’s head and slams into Carnage’s, knocking him back down. Taking what she’s been dealt, Andrea rolls Carnage over and makes the cover.

 

ONE!

 

TWO...NO!

 

Carnage kicks out violently, and Andrea goes flying. He gets to his feet and drags Montgomery up as well. Grabbing her shoulders, he slams a knee into her stomach, doubling Andrea over. He bends, too, wraps his arms around her waist and straightens up, lifting her off the mat. He drops to one knee while flipping Andrea down, driving her shoulder into his knee.

 

“Montgomery almost got a two count after Zutroy zipped that board into Carnage’s cranium, but the masked man retaliates with a shoulder breaker,” Comet calls. That’s way too much alliteration.

 

Carnage stands, pulls Drea up by her hair, and sends her stumbling forward with a forearm to her back. She doesn’t go far, however, as Carnage cinches in a rear waistlock and arches his back, slamming her into the mat with a German suplex. He contemplates pressing his advantage, but the board catches his eye. He picks up the two by four and cradles it like a baseball bat, waiting for Andrea to get off the mat. She slowly climbs back to her feet, Carnage takes a swing, but Andrea ducks just in time and the piece of lumber whistles just inches over her head. He cocks the board back for another try, but she leaps towards him, legs coiled, and slams into Carnage’s torso.

 

“Looked like a monkey flip attempt from Andrea Montgomery, but it was some sort of compact dropkick,” Comet says.

 

“And you completely forgot about Carnage’s German suplex, and the fact that he most likely would have ended this match had he connected with that two by four,” Riley points out.

 

“Well, I’m not in the business of calling ‘would haves’ and ‘what ifs’ Bobby. We could sit here all day talking about how a match would have turned out if someone hit this move and the like,” Comet retorts.

 

Carnage staggers backwards, but floors Andrea with an elbow to the head. He walks towards a corner, props the board against the turnbuckles, and heads back towards Montgomery. He lifts her up, whips her to the buckles, and charges in after her. Andrea chances a look backwards, and nimbly walks up the plank and drops to the ring apron, not without first slamming her hands onto the board, sending it into Carnage’s jaw. The masked man stumbles back, and Drea grabs the top rope, springs onto it, and flies off, catching him in a front facelock and spiraling to the mat.

 

“Springboard tornado DDT on Carnage after Andrea Montgomery played a little teeter-totter in the corner!” Comet exclaims.

 

“I think you mean see-saw, but that board caught Carnage right under the chin. That can’t be good for the orthodontics,” Riley states.

 

Drea makes a cover and Jablome slides in to count.

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

T...NO!

 

Carnage gets a shoulder up, and Andrea is already back on her feet. She fires off two quick kicks to the head before the Hardcore Gamers champ can completely sit up, and she sends him back to a supine position with a dropkick. Drea scrambles over, picks up Carnage’s baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire, and walks back towards the masked menace. She swings for his head, but Carnage’s hands shoot up and the gloves provide some protection against the cutting wire for his skin. Carnage begins pushing the bat away from himself while sitting up. He reaches his feet, wrests the bat from Drea’s hands, and drills her in the stomach with the handle. He readjusts his grip and swings the bat into her head, dropping the Mississippi cruiser.

 

“Carnage back in control of this match with a shot from his barbed wire wrapped baseball bat. Andrea Montgomery is at a serious disadvantage in this match, as her style doesn’t seem to mesh well with hardcore rules,” Comet says.

 

“That’s odd, because Wildchild, another cruiserweight, was a very dominant Hardcore Gamers champion. Andrea needs to find a way to implement some weapons into her standard offense. Perhaps a DDT onto a steel chair, or some Grind Sessions with a kendo sword. Otherwise, she doesn’t have a chance in this setting,” Riley adds.

 

Carnage hefts the bat once more, ready to land a crushing blow, but he stops and turns his head. A low rumbling is coming from all around the arena. It’s getting louder and louder, and Carnage slowly lowers the bat, wondering what is coming next. Suddenly, a figure repels down from the rafters and lands just outside the ring. The crowd cheers for the local hero, as the mysterious figure happens to be a Sasquatch! Ripping the harness from his hirsute body, the yard ape (If Tom Flesher said it, it’s got to be true!) slides into the ring and slams an ape-like fist into Carnage’s head. The masked madman reels back, composes himself, and swings for the Bigfoot. The beast ducks, picks Carnage off the mat, and slams him into the canvas.

 

“Holy crap! It’s Big-quatch! Sas-foot! A Yeti!” Comet shouts.

 

“And he’s administering a beating to Carnage. Andrea Montgomery might have just gotten saved. She’d just better hope that this wood ape chooses not to go after her,” Riley states.

 

Sasquatch nimbly leaps to the top turnbuckle and thumps his chest in a display of power and aggression. However, that display gives Carnage time to recover, and the Hardcore Gamers champion scoops up his dropped baseball bat and takes a swing for the yard ape’s back. A howl of pain accompanies the blow, and Carnage simply strikes again, the barbed wire finding flesh through the thick layers of hair. Sasquatch hops down and takes a swing for Carnage, but he manages to duck and slam the bat into the belly of the beast. Carnage straightens the Sasquatch up with a knee to the face, and clotheslines it over the top rope. The yard ape tries to reenter the ring, but Carnage swings his bat, forcing the Sasquatch to hop backwards. It circles around the ring while Carnage follows on the inside, bat ready to drive the beast back.

 

“And it looks like Carnage has restored order to this match and is keeping Sasquatch at bay with that bat. However, I’m pretty sure that he would not fair that well in a fair fight,” Comet says.

 

“Of course not! It’s an animal! Do you think Todd Cortez should fight a bear or something? Hey, that’s a pretty good idea. I’ll have to bring it up to the commissioner,” Riley states.

 

Knowing it to be defeated, Sasquatch lopes towards the rigging it came down on and quickly climbs up the rope. Hearing movement behind him, Carnage wheels around and brings the bat down on Andrea Montgomery’s skull, dropping her and putting a crack in the bat.

 

“My goodness! Carnage nearly broke that bat over Andrea Montgomery’s head! She might be out cold, and unless big brother Zutroy can intervene, this match will go to Carnage,” Comet notes.

 

“I have to agree with you, Comet. Carnage is in full control of this match, which looks to be about over. That is, unless the Loch Ness Monster decides to make an appearance or something,” Riley adds.

 

Carnage drops the bat, heads to a corner and picks up his Hardcore Gamers title. He drops it in the center of the ring and pulls Andrea up by the hair, which is just beginning to get matted with blood. He quickly scoops her up and places her upside down on his shoulder as the fans slowly realize what he’s planning.

 

“This is too much! Andrea Montgomery is already out cold thanks to that barbed wire wrapped baseball bat Carnage used, but he’s going to hit the Tombstone piledriver!” Comet shouts, indignant.

 

“On his Hardcore Gamers title belt, no less! That’s just great. True mark of a champion and a winner. Don’t let up until the match is over. He’s just adding a bit of insurance with this,” Riley says.

 

Carnage shifts Andrea slightly so he’s got his arms around her unmoving body, but he loosens his grip a bit so she slips down, putting her in a dangerous situation.

 

“No...he let her slide down so her neck will compress even more than usual...” Comet says in disbelief.

 

“That’s what former World Heavyweight champion Rane used to do! Of course, he called it the Acid Rane, but it’s the same move, and still as deadly,” Riley adds.

 

The faintest resemblance of a smile can be seen behind Carnage’s mask as he drops to his knees, driving Andrea Montgomery’s head into the belt. He lets go and makes a cover as Heywood Jablome gets to his knees in order to make the count, which just so happens to be academic in this instance.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THREE!

 

Jablome rises to his feet and calls for the bell.

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

“I have just been informed from the most esteemed referee for this brutal clash, that the current Hardcore Gamers champion and number one contender for the World Heavyweight title currently being held by the egomaniacal Englishman, the boastful Brit, the Straight-Edge Sensation and leader of Revolution Zero, Toxxic, the masked maniac, the purveyor of piledrivers, the crazed camel clutcher, Carnage, has defeated the Mississippi missile, the comely cruiserweight, the single white female of the Smartmarks Wrestling Federation, Andrea Montgomery by pinning her shoulders to the mat inside the squared circle for a count of three, which was administered by the aforementioned Heywood Jablome!” Funyon states as “Bodies” starts playing again.

 

“That was just brutal! Carnage had no right to use the Tombstone piledriver at all since Andrea Montgomery was knocked unconscious, let alone on the title belt or dropping her lower,” Comet says.

 

“Well, that might be true, but all I know is that it got him the victory, and that means he’s got one less challenger at Ashes to Ashes for his Hardcore Gamers belt,” Riley says.

 

Carnage pushes Drea off of his belt, picks it up and heads back up the ramp as Smarkdown heads to a commercial.