Vanhalen 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2004 Merry f'n Christmas, less than six weeks to go! Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a £5 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?? Santa of course, the other two don't exist! What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime? Sandy Claus! How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad! If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus. There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife,"Look honey. Its raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded,"I don't think so, dear. I think its snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife,"Let's step outside and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? Its true....Comet cleans sinks! 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, its price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Salacious Crumb Report post Posted November 16, 2004 Time to start avoiding stores like the plague. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giuseppe Zangara 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2004 See, I wanna insult this thread, but Czech will come along and say I'm being too negative. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vanhalen 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2004 How can you insult Santa Claus~!, have a heart my friend Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Smues Report post Posted November 16, 2004 Yay it's the few months of the year where I don't get odd looks for listening to "Let it snow" and having a santa claus hologram on my cellphone. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest El Satanico Report post Posted November 16, 2004 The only Santas I care to assoiciate with, are Billy Bob or a psycho killer. I don't know which is the worse holiday during this season..."we screwed the Indians and this is their thank you" or "shop for Jesus". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Shutterspeed Report post Posted November 16, 2004 Without Scrooges, this thread would die. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
2GOLD 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2004 Burn in hell Santa WHERE THE HELL IS MY MADDEN 93 VIDEO GAME YOU FAT FREAK?!?!?!?! Bring your overweight self to MY HOUSE you BETTER be bringing me a sack of cash or your suit will have some additional red and holes that'll make it so your blubber whistles when you walk! ...was that negative? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Nanks Report post Posted November 17, 2004 Is it just me, or is Christmas not in mid-November?? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest El Satanico Report post Posted November 17, 2004 In the US Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving, so he's only a week and a half early. Many stores change their fall decorations to Christmas decorations Thanksgiving night after closing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Metal Maniac 0 Report post Posted November 17, 2004 We changed them in WalSquigglyMart the day BEFORE HALLOWEEN. Reason number 267 why I hate my job: I will be completely sick of Christmas half a month before it arrives. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest El Satanico Report post Posted November 17, 2004 I've heard they've started to do it even sooner than day after Thanksgiving, but November 1st is bloody insane. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kkktookmybabyaway 0 Report post Posted November 17, 2004 Goddamn, first stores are putting up Xmas shit early, and now TSM Christmas threads are 1+ month premature. I'll probably go to Best Buy the day after Thanksgiving if there are any deals worth getting, but otherwise I'm staying home until 12/25... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
