Promo: Doom's Dilema

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Precursory note - You'll only really get this promo if you remember back to the old IGNWF days (So I guess that means Thoth, Zed, Munich, Mags, and maybe a few others) and Outcast's similar promos (Or maybe he only wrote one like this and memory isn't what it used to be, or something)

 

--------------------

 

It’s brisk, perhaps chilly, but not quite cold. It is dark, though, and working on getting darker, if that’s possible. Jimmy the Doom and Lois the Unethical are leaving the Hilton Coliseum after another exhibition of SWF wrestling. As they make their way to a rental car in the nearly deserted parking lot, a shadowy figure stalks towards them, avoiding what little light is available.

 

“Gimme all your dough,” commands a gruff voice.

 

Jimmy turns around to see an average-sized man holding a knife in one hand.

 

“Come on, hand over the money!” demands the mugger.

 

Jimmy simply stares, as if pondering this. He slowly shakes his head.

 

“No, I’m afraid not. I would like to keep my money, as I worked hard to earn it. Perhaps if you were offering a service, or selling a good...is that it? Maybe you’re selling that knife? Tell me the price, and if it’s reasonable, I might consider making a purchase,” Jimmy says.

 

“What the hell are you talking about? Just give me your money!” shouts the man.

 

“I don’t know...if I gave you all of my money, I wouldn’t be able to buy any food later tonight, and I am hungry. Are you hungry, too? Is that it? Maybe I could donate a few dollars, or what about a ride? Need a lift somewhere?” Jimmy asks.

 

“I don’t need a fucking ride, you fucking idiot! Just hand over the money!”

 

“Hmm, no I do not think such an action would be in my best interest,” Jimmy replies.

 

“This ain’t about your best interest, it’s about you getting robbed!”

 

“I surely don’t want that to happen. But, I don’t think I can afford to give you any money right now. How about you tell me your name, and in a few weeks, once I’ve got a bit more to spare, I’ll write you a check? Would that work?” Jimmy asks.

 

“What is fucking wrong with you?!” the man screams. “Just hand over your goddamned wallet or the bitch gets killed!”

 

“I really don’t want that. Her death would bring great sorrow to my life, as I love her dearly.”

 

“Then just give me your money!” the man yells, exasperated.

 

“That’s the thing, though, I really can’t,” Jimmy says.

 

“Then she’s going to die!”

 

The mugger makes a move towards Lois, but Jimmy lunges, and deflects the knife away with his forehead.

 

Clank!

 

The man goes for another stab, but Jimmy deftly knocks the knife out of the way with his head.

 

Clang!

 

"Fuck you, then!" the mugger shouts.

 

He whips his arm back and hurls the knife, but Jimmy dives and headbutts the blade to the ground.

 

Clang!

 

"I think perhaps you should go now. I'm not ordering you, or anything, but it might be in your better interests if you were to leave," Jimmy says.

 

"You're fucking crazy, man, I'm outta here!" the robber exclaims.

 

Not even bothering to pick up his knife, the man turns around and flees.

 

“Those American kids...I rememberr the first time someone tried to mug me in Doomopolis, I must have been about six. Good times,” Jimmy reminisces before getting into his car with Lois and driving off.

 

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

 

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

 

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

 

You used to captivate me

By your resonating life

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

 

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

[devo 0]

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My favorite (?) Outcast promo was the one where he and his girlfriend got married to the tune of Lifehouse's "Hanging By a Moment", the most generic, cloying, transparently manipulative pop song written in years. Several people called him on that, and I laughed.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

It's amazing that Outcast is now a sort of respected Current/Historical Events poster. And he's engaged or married and stuff.

 

I predict he turns heel during the wedding and hits his fiance with a chair. Then his old music (Three Libras "A Perfect Circle" or vice versa since I've never heard of that group) hits and he cuts a forty minute promo.

[Toxxic 0]

A Perfect Circle - side project of Maynard James Keenan from Tool, and a few other musicians who really don't matter. They have one good album, one acceptable one and two that are utter shite.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Thanks, Toxxic. Now I know the name of the band, and thus, the song, and go on not caring about either one of them.

 

(Y)

[muzz 0]

Thanks, Toxxic.  Now I know the name of the band, and thus, the song, and go on not caring about either one of them.

 

(Y)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

You forgot my name up the top there missy.

 

I am now crying.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Yes I did. I am the worst person ever.

 

*blades in honor of Muzz being an awesome dude*